Failure is ever closer, as my work keeps not getting done.
Now you're coming through the backdoor How did you get there Do I mind? That's a question for the asking How did you get there Do I mind? Will you linger a little longer While I wonder Watch me wear my ruse Awake your world And run with fools Now I'm coming through the backdoor How did I get here Do I mind? In an eerie sort of way I sense you reaching Do I mind Will you linger a little longer While I wonder
3rd May 2001
I'm having a really crappy head stuff day. So really, really old and nasty baggage has decided to surface.
Anyway, I think I wrote about a week ago. Considering this used to be daily I've got really slack over the last four or five months. Mainly because my life bites and I'd rather not think about it. Oh, look, I'm writing out this whole big my life bites so I don't write about it rant again. Grow some originality Matty boy.
Friday I went to classes, and then in the evening escorted the Midget to a party at The Scarfies Flat. It was pretty cool, I chatted to a girl I had met the day before, got kinda large quantities of alcohol into my system, and hit on one of her friends, who fortunately didn't notice.
On Saturday I spent playing computer games, I was supposed to be studying but I was in a foul mood at the universe for no particular reason. Then in the evening I went to Becky's, to have pre-going out drinks before heading out with her, Kez, Bob and various others. After trying to sneak off and spend the evening with Nina, I headed off with them, and ended up hating EVERYONE. Especially all those damn gay people. By the time I stormed home (in near record time) I was quite happy to a virus to wipe out all life, human and otherwise.
Sunday, ENGL314 translation test study and doing an assignment for ENGL311, and having a visit from a sulking lil black boy. Pretty uneventful homework/procrastination day.
Monday, classes and The Sims, and that's about it.
Tuesday, as Monday.
Wednesday, as Monday, but with an added three hour Bob visitation.
Today, as Monday but with bucket loads of weird screwy head stuff going on and making me less than happy about the state of the world. I'm wishing I could go back in time and give 15 year old me a big gun and the knowledge in how to use it. Well, maybe not. I think I'm pretty much in a bad mental loop thingee.
I'm getting mildly annoyed at the world about lots of things. My lecturer in ENGL314 always treats me as if I'm dumb, and because I stuffed up the translation of my first line, me wouldn't let me translate the rest of my stanza and did it himself, when whenever anyone else stuffs up he just corrects them and lets them carry on.
And I'm nowhere near as far into my research as I want to be, which is all my own fault, I just can't get into it enough. I keep getting sidetracked, so I'm gonna fail and get kicked out of honours for my general stupidness.
Ergh, bad mental place, I should just stop talking before I complete lose all will to live.
Today's song quote - 'Backdoor' by Tadpole .
I can see it in your face Don't think that I don't recognize it, I was adored once too Soon you'll be bitter and old my dear We'll see about these feelings you have They'll be the death of you. Needy, wanting, guilty, laden... There ain't enough to go 'round in this world, It's Alright Take a good look around my dear You'll see what everyone can see You've been a fool for love. Wipe of those sniveling tears And wean yourself from this dependency, It's just not pretty.
13th May 2001
Okay. Long time no seamonkey.
Well, lately all I've done mostly is ENGL368 study, and I'm still getting nowhere. But I did do a pretty passable 386 website, have a look at mine and/or my classmates. Mine's a tad prettier than most, but has much less substance. Haven't really done much else lately at all. And still I'm not gonna be remaining in honours much longer. Though I have got A-'s for both my first two ENGL368 assignments, so who know's, I might luck out yet.
For some reason I've been pining over my 7th form crush, someone I haven't seen since the end of December 1997. Which is a tad reFRIDGerated in the head. But since Sophie's 21st I've been missing the Swede. I should really write, but I'm kinda busy, and would just end up sounding whiney.
And I had the ex around on Friday to discuss what boundries we needed as friends, and before discussing them we came dangerously close to breaking them, but we got it sortedf with minimal yelling on my part, and minimal crying on my ex's.
Anyway, I have to go read up on Sir Philip Sidney, inventor of the name Pamela, and coiner of the phrase "my better half" when refering to his wife. I have a 1,000 worder due on him tomorrow. And then I have a chem lab report due two days ago to do, so I can hand it in tomorrow. Fun Fun Fun for me. And I really have to get a bit more research done on my ENGL368 and ENGL314 assignments done, as I have to write them up over this week. And I'm yet to work out my point/arguments on either.
Today's song quote - 'Alright' by Tadpole .
Last time I saw him He sweetly kissed my lips Last time I saw him He said:"I'll be back for more of this" Last time I saw him We were crying at the bus I knew he hated leaving But he had to set us up I gave him money I know I invested well Mamma doesn't trust him But he loves me I can tell Each time the greyhound Arrives at nine o' clock But I don't start my crying 'Till that last man's gotten off Last time I saw him Last time I saw my honey Last time I saw him He was greyhound-bound But I'm still waiting here Without a fear That bus will someday turn around I had no letter It's been six months, maybe better I try forgetting him But I love him more then ever I have decided I've waited long enough If there was nothing wrong He would return right on that bus There must be trouble So I'm leavin' on the double If he can't get to me I know he needs me desperately Last time I saw him Last time I saw my honey Last time I saw him He was looking fine And as he waved goodbye He said don't cry I'm coming back, no rain or shine Last time I saw him Last time I saw my honey Last time I saw him He was greyhound-bound And as he waved goodbye He said don't cry I'm coming back, no rain or shine La de da, la da do Do la da da, da da da Last time I saw him He was looking fine And as he waved goodbye He said don't cry I'm coming back, no rain or shine
17th May 2001
I clocked Might and Magic VII this morning. Which is REALLY helping to get the work done.
I have done little other than readings, classes, sleeping and procrastinating since I last wrote. Actually, I am quite pushed for anything to say at all.
Monday, classes. Tuesday, ditto. Wednesday, similar again. Today, I think you get the drift.
I'm sure something noteworthy must have happened. But the only thing I can think of I shan't write here out of politeness for those involved.
Today's song quote - 'Last time I saw him' by Diana Ross.
Should've known better than to cheat a friend and waste this chance that I've been given so I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you Never without your love Tonight the music seems so loud I wish that we could lose this crowd Maybe it's better this way We'd hurt each other with the things we'd want to say We could have been so good together We could have lived this dance forever But noone's gonna dance with me Please stay And I'm never gonna dance again guilty feet have got no rhythm though it's easy to pretend I know your not a fool Should've known better than to cheat a friend and waste the chance that I've been given so I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you (Now that you're gone) Now that you're gone (Now that you're gone) What I did's so wrong that you had to leave me alone
21st May 2001
Okay, Friday I had a long chem lab and then came home with a desperate need to sleep and not do any thinking at all. On the lighter side of things, my mother had knocked a bag of chocolate biscuits off the shelf in the pantry so it had fallen on the floor, and instead of looking for it decided she would accuse me of having stolen it. Gee whizz I love my family.
Saturday, I was cold and wet so I decided against doing anything that could possibly count as work, and hide in my room all day. I love Ezre Dax, okay, she's no Jadzea, but I can forgive that - she's such a peanut butter nutter.
Sunday, after lying in I spent the rest of the day reading books and then writting a 2,027 word - plus bibliography - essay, finishing it at 11:24pm, and being most unpleasant. Especially when I woke at 6 in the morning realising I'd forgotten my bibliography, and having to whack it on before I headed off to my 9am lecture.
The rest of the day was blah.......
I spent a few hours brushing up on Wulf and Eadwacer, before have a test on it, which I think went okay-ish. Then I met up with Kirsten - my presentation partner for Engl368, and we looked at our presentation a bit, but we have SO much to do, and SO little time, especially with the essay for that due on Thursday, and me yet the start writing. If I could just get hit by a bus now and die, I wouldn't have to do either.
Anyways, I'm depressing myself, so I shall go do some reading for said big nasty essay.
Today's song quote - 'Careless Whisper' by Wham.
Remember how it all began The apple and the fall of man The price we pay So the people say Down the path of shame it led us Dared to bite the hand That fed us fairy tale and moral end Wheel of Fortune Never turns again Never turns again The worst of it has come and gone And the chaos of millenium And the falling out of the doomsday crowd Their last retreat is moving slow They burn their bridges as they go The heretic is beautified Teach the harlot's child to smile Rocked again by indecision Should we make that small incision Testify to the bleeding heart inside We cut, we scratched, we rend, we slashed And when he opened up at last Found a cul de sac Deep and black Smoke and ash Deep and black Smoke and ash The wicked king of Parodies Kissing all his enemies On the seventh day Of the seventh week Tyrant's voice is softened now But just for one forgiving hour Before the rise of his Iron fist again Fist again I've come tonight I've come to know The way we are The way we'll go And to measure this Width of the wide abyss I come to you in restless sleep Where all your dreams turn bittersweet With voodoo doll philosophies Day glow holy trinities The crooked raft that leaves the shore Ferries drunken souls aboard Pilgrims march to Compestelo Visions of their saint in yellow Follow deep in trance Lost in a catatonic dance Know no future Damn the past Blind, warm, ecstatic Safe at last
22nd May 2001
My great grandmother died this morning. So I'm pretty suck all round. I have my big essay thing to write, the 50 minute presentation to give on Thursday for which I'm utterly unprepared and I get to be a pallbearer on friday afternoon, which will make me late for a lab on a 20% assignment for a paper I'm already failing.
I love to be me.
Today's song quote - 'thick as theives' by Natalie Merchant.
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance for a break that would make it okay there's always one reason to feel not good enough and it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction oh beautiful release memory seeps from my veins let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight in the arms of an angel fly away from here from this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear you are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie you're in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort there so tired of the straight line and everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back and the storm keeps on twisting you keep on building the lie that you make up for all that you lack it don't make no difference escaping one last time it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees in the arms of an angel fly away from here from this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear you are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie you're in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort there you're in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort here
27th May 2001
My mother is an evil heartless cow.
Anyway, in stuff that is news instead of old truths:
Wednesday I spent preparing my presentation. And doing a little work on my essay.
Thursday, I had a handset printing exercise, which I think I passed - actually, I think I did quite well in it. Then came my presentation, and I was shot down horribly by the evil mac, and it's evil crap Mac-ness. One major part of my internal assessment down the gurgler, thanks to my failure to cover for just how crap computers can be, especially those horribly macs running pc emulators. the rest of the day I spent recovering from the psychological walloping it had dealt me.
Friday, one early class, then came home and prepared for the funeral. The funeral was kinda nice, even if old "Father Jack" did go on, and on, and on about nothing in particular. And pallbearing at the cemetery was uneventful enough.
Saturday and today I spent doing my ENGL368 essay, which is now done and printed. Leaving only one internal assesment to go before exams. A big nasty for chem, due on Wednesday. Yay for my life, NOT.
My mother is an evil heartless cow. A couple of hours back she just went off her rocker about nothing at all, to the point an hour later my brother was still crying. At the rate she is going, and how the cow is treating my brother, I'm getting quite worried he's going to end up a suicide statistic. And if it happens the cow will just find some way of pinning the blame all on Dad, or knowing my luck, me.
I can actually see why my mother is with the stupid toad-boy, because no-one truely human could ever want the cold beast.
Today's song quote - 'Angel' by Sarah Mclachlan.
I'm an effigy A parody of Who I appear to be Put your flaming torches under me I'm an effigy A parody of Who I appear to be Put your flaming torches under me I'm an effigy A parody of Who I appear to be Put your flaming torches under me Endless so far in myself, follow me
30th May 2001
Monday, got my essay handed in, and went to my classes, and all was normal. Then I came home and played FF8 for the rest of the day.
Tuesday, played FF8 some more. Went to classes, came home, played FF8.
Today, early lecture, followed by a day spent in the chem computer lab doing chem homework, and finishing it with only 20 minutes to spare. Then I came home and played some FF8. Today's song quote - 'Effigy' by Natalie Merchant.
I once loved a sailor Once a sailor loved me But he was not a sailor who sailed on the wide blue sea He sailed in an airship -- sailed like a bird on the wing -- and every Friday at midnight, he would come to my window and sing: Chorus: Come take a trip in my airship Come sail away to the stars We'll travel to Venus We'll sail away to Mars No one will see as we're kissing No one will know as we swoon So come take a trip in my airship, and we'll visit the man in the moon One night while sailing away from the crowds we passed through the milky-white way While idly drifting watching the clouds he asked if I'd name the day Just by the dipper I gave him my heart The sun shone on our honeymoon We swore to each other we never would part, and to teach all the babies this tune Chorus
31st May 2001
The universe hates me.
I was kind of considering buying a playstation memory card today, so wouldn't have to share, when my brother. But I didn't because I decided getting a ahircut tomorrow was a more important appliction of my meager funds. So guess what happened tonight!?!?
My borther accidentally saved over my FF8 game, I was on disk thee, it had taken me forever to get there. :o( I was at the 74 hour mark, and with how often I die it'd probably taken me twice that long to get there.
Though I did get quite a nice chat with a classmate I have some lustful desires toward after our English class at lunch time, and this morning I did quite well in my handset printing assessment class - me and Joyce got 60 pages printed - so the day wasn't ALL bad. The general gist of it all still leaves me feeling like shite. I quite want to just curl up somewhere and die, and watch from the afterlife to see if anyone ever realises I'd died.
Anyway, I remembered an important thing that I forgot to say last time. On the night of the 27th I realised I was pencil-case-less. After years, my big Sailor Chibi pencil case has vanished, at some point on Friday afternoon/evening it came out of my school bag and didn't go back in, and for all my looking I can't find where it's gone. On monday morning I even retraced everywhere i'd been after my chem lab - where I know I had it. i am most unamused, as it had all my favourite pens and pencils, and my glasses case. It was just lucky I was wearing my glasses, or I'd be in trouble.
I was also declared a "High Priestess" by Chickclick today, after getting 90% in there world religions quiz. Oh well, the wonders of my life. I'm outta here before I depress myself further.
Today's song quote - 'Come take a trip in my airship' by George Evans and Ren Shields, introduced to me by the vocal stylings of Natalie Merchant.