Drug dealer school still bites.
The unforgiving mind is torn with doubt, confused about itself and all it sees; afraid and angry, weak and blustering, afraid to go ahead, afraid to stay, afraid to waken or go to go to sleep, afraid of every sound , yet more afraid of stillness; terrified of darkness, yet more terrified at the approach of light....The unforgiving mind sees no mistakes, but only sins.It looks upon the world with sightless eyes, and shrieks as it beholds its own projections rising to attack its miserable parody of life...It wants to live, yet wishes it were dead. It wants forgiveness, yet it sees no hope. It wants escape, yet can conceive of none...
The unforgiving mind is in despair, without the prospect of a future which can offer anything but more despair. Yet it regards its judgement of the world as irreversible, and does not see it has condemned itself to this despair. It thinks it cannot change, for what it sees bears witness that its judgement is correct. It does not ask, because it thinks it knows. It does not question, certain it is right.
Forgiveness is acquired.It is not inherent in the mind, which cannot sin. As sin is an idea you taught yourself, forgiveness must be learned by you as well......
3rd May 2003 - Invention of the Holy Cross. Mem. of Alexander and Eventius, Martt.
Thursday I went to my morning classes, then went to town planning to buy season one Farscape but everywhere I went had sold out of it. Then I headed back to varsity and helped the Student's for a Free Tibet to tidy up after their hunger strike, which I had been bad and not done. Though for helping out I got myself blessed by a local tibetan religious leader. So I felt pretty special. In the afternoon I hung out with Midget for a while.
Yesterday, after having gone to bed early - to be woken up by multiple late phonecalls - and to just plain not be able to sleep, I went off to my classes extra tired, but for the first time all week stayed awake through my lectures. Then after classes, I did a crap job of present shopping before coming home and crashing for a while. Then I went to mum's to pick up some mail they had for me. While there I visited Becky, my childhood neighbour, who is on home detention. And I realised I was speaking gibberish. The sleep deprivation had kicked in. So after a couple of hours visit I headed home and watched cartoons until it was time to start getting ready to go to Gnatacia's twenty-one-st. It was a fun party, though I drank far too much. I really should have started with a jug - it's just a recipe for drunken git.
Anyway, I'm now sitting around my room wallowing on a random crush I have on someone I met at the supermarket, who's name I don't know and whom I'll most likely never see again. If only I had the guts to have made some kind of move. Atleast then I could have been rejected and know that I didn't have a chance. But then, we had quite a nice chat about pretty random stuff, and if I can keep someones interest that long, maybe I did have a chance. Ah well, too late now.
Today's quote is from A Course on Miracles, p210 (this was sent to me in an email from my aunt, and I thought it as good a quote as any).
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately pleasure-dome decree : Where Alph, the sacred river, ran Through caverns measureless to man Down to a sunless sea. So twice five miles of fertile ground With walls and towers were girdled round : And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree ; And here were forests ancient as the hills, Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
6th May 2003 - John before Port Latin.
Well, my weekend was pretty much just wasted on computer games and wallowing in self pity. Though on Sunday I did go to the library for a while and got out a few books for an assignment I then failed to start.
Yesterday, I got up and started reading for the assignment, went to classes, had lunch with Alana, and then came home and did the assignment (a 15% essay on Anglo-Saxon medicines) and got it handed in with ten minutes to spare.
Today, after my mornign lecture I had a day off biochem, so I spent the time downloading Buffy, only to find some prick had posted a fake file, I was quite peeved. Then afternoon classes, and my evening lab (where I got an acid burn, and mocked about my easily distractedness) and now I'm about to go to bed.
Today's quote is from "Kubla Khan" by S T Coleridge.
'Stars! your balmiest influence shed!
Elements! your wrath suspend!
Sleep, Ocean, in the rocky bounds
That circle thy domain!
Let not a breath be seen to stir
Around yon grass-grown ruin's height!
Let even the restless gossamer
Sleep on the moveless air!
Soul of Ianthe! thou,
Judged alone worthy of the envied boon
That waits the good and the sincere; that waits
Those who have struggled, and with resolute will
Vanquished earth's pride and meanness, burst the chains,
The icy chains of custom, and have shone
The day-stars of their age;--Soul of
Ianthe!
Awake! arise!'
8th May 2003.
People keep avoiding me. Over the last week, almost everyone I know who I've seen around varsity has avoided me. A fair chunk of them have just plain not acknowledged that I even exist, at least a couple of them had the common decency to wave before scurrying off. I think it is the proof that none of my friends even remotely like me.
Ah well, atleast I now know for sure.
Anyway, yesterday I had one class and then after doing some stuff at varsity I came home and curled up in bed to feel miserable and try to cheer myself up by reading Paul J. McAuley's Eternal Light (the sequel to Four Hundred Billion Stars, which I read over the weekend) until my chem lab in the evening. After the lab I went to pint night (having been told by two different people that they would meet me there) to end up sitting all alone for a while before heading home because absolutely no-one I knew was there, and in my old age that has started to bother me. So I came home and rang a couple of people, before geeking and going to bed just a touch later than I had intended to.
Today I had only one class again, Pharmacy seems to like randomly cancelling things, and it finished at 8:50am. I went shopping for a mother's day present afterward and generally just stuffed around.
I'm just back from abandoning writing the entry for a surprise dinner out with Renate, we went to the New Satay Noodle House, and I'm now all slooshy and full of nice cheap noodle soup.
It's still a week until I have my doctor change my meds - hopefully to something that won't make me all depressed and wishing I was dead. My doctor is away on holiday, so I've put the change off later than I had intended.
Anyway, before I left I was just about to rant about how mean the chem department is. Well, I went in to the chem office to ask about organising a replacement for next weeks lab, as I have a physiology test to fail that night, and they were all mean and then sent me on a wild goose chase. I was amused, I was almost tempted to bring up the fact they the chem department hasn't invited me to their graduation thing, even though I'm graduating with my chem degree next week. I am not a happy camper.
I think I might go off and be sulky again.
bye.
Today's quote is from "Queen Mab" by Percy Bysshe Shelley.
9th May 2003 - Translation of S. Nicholas. With ruling of quire.
I have to live for atleast two and a half more weeks. Being that I've now seen 141 episodes of Buffy, I'm darn well going to see the final three. I've been talling myself that all day, to reisit the urge to just curl up somewhere dark, and stop.
I've also filled myself with so much comfort food that I feel quite uncomfortable and I have a migraine from the sugar - though, strangely, there is something about the throb of the pain in my forehead which is quite relaxing, a relief from something. I keep thinking I should throw up. But I doubt it'll happen.
Ok, I'm not at my happiest. I should go and ring people or something, but I doubt anyone would actually want to talk to me anyway, so I think I'll just go play puter games while I try to download some more Buffy.
Today's quote is from "".
13th May 2003
- Sun in Gemini.
My head hurts. Lots. In fact I'm supposed to be in a Biochem lab, but I left as there was no way anything productive was going to happen, I'd probably have just broken a bunch of stuff. My skull and the crap inside can't seem to decide what size they are in respect to each other, and my vision keeps blurring and going double. Yay for me.
I have chronological gaps I should fill, but my head hurts, and my weekend was mostly just me staying in bed and wallowing a bunch, so not worth mentioning. Though I was good and did the whole visiting the evil hag for Mother's Day.
I think I might go to bed, I have three hours till my next class.
Well, it's now night. I'm just home from teaching my lab. Anyway, I should go back and actually write something for the weekend.
Saturday morning I watched Buffy s7e20 "Touched". So I now only have to watch two more episodes and I'll be at peace with the world and ready to die. After that Saturday was just me lying around and eating junk food.
Sunday was mostly the same until the afternoon when I visited my mother for mother's day, and then went to see my grandparents for tea - an experience that would have been much nicer had my mother not been there.
Yestreday after my first class I went to dent school expecting to get a broken filling fixed, but getting de-tartar-ed and a couple of fissure seals instead. Appearantly my dodgy tooth is more than she could deal with in a 1 1/2 hour session, so she's put it off till July. At this rate I may just have to take it to the dental school emergency room. Then in the afternoon I had a dispensing lab before visiting Becky and Kezia on the way home. It was kind of nice, as I had nicely convinced myself that none of my friends liked me, and it was nice top hang around with someone who was all nice and friendly to me.
Today I was mostly feeling pretty miserable. With my head being too small for the crud inside it and all. Anyway, after my morning nap I went to my workshops and then after a long chat to one of Tina's friends while I ate dinner in the link, I went and taught my chem lab. It was actually ok, even with the slight throb I still have. My students were all pretty well behaved and mostly asked questions I could actually answer.
And I'm sulking as it seems my best friend is mostly not talking to me, and I have no idea what I've done to piss him off. Well, not anythign recent anyway, but he seems to mostly be avoiding talking to me, and when he does it's only a couple of words.
Damn my life. I really should just curl up somewhere and stop living it.
Today's quote is from "".
14th May 2003
.
I have a nasty internal assignment test in a few hours, and I have done absolutely no study. Instead I finished reading Eternal Light, damn it's good. I like sci-fi written by actual scientists.
I realised what a self tosser I've been being lately. It's no wonder none of my friends are all that full of the desire to talk to me. I'm probably to full of my own depression to actually listen to anything they had to say anyway. I really should just become a complete hermit and stop inflicting my existence on other people.
Well, the test seemed really easy. But that could just be some weird defense mechanism of mine - I was possibly so lost from my complete not studying at all that my brain just made stuff up and told me it was true while I stupidly believed it. Actually, my brain has a habit of coming up with complete lies that I'll entirely believe at the time and only realise days later that it was just random crap to have dropped out of my brain - usually after I've said it to a few people thinking it was just some fact I knew. it's almost as bad as when I am talking and something blatantly untrue and obviously illogical comes out of my mouth before I realise it, but which I can't take back as whoever I'm talking to will think I'm just a big liar - or insane. Anyway, my point was that a bunch of my classmates came out complaining about how hard it had been. Which either proves my brain was lying to me, or that there are a chunk of people in my class who are stupider than me. I had to cheat the system to get into Pharmacy (as any tosser could get hons in English without too much effort provided they were willing to sacrifice four years that could be better spent doing somethign actually useful), so I should be the thickest person in the class. I also worry for the health sciences if there are people even thicker than me doing them. I wouldn't want to be trusting my health to anyone as stupid as me.
Anyway, I should go.
Today's quote is from "".
19th May 2003
- Dunstan, Bp. and Conf. Mem. of S. Potentiana.
Wow, I remembered today that I have a guest book on my website. It turns out people have actually "signed" it. Including total strangers, which is just a little scary, as it means people have read all the drivel I rant off about. I should probably be polite and actually reply to the comments, but some of them are getting onto a year or so old, and it would just be weird. Oh, and I've lost my password so can't actually read the private messages.
Anyway. Where was I?
Thursday I had my morning classes, then met up with Alana and we had lunch before I went to the doctors and after he checked and my blood pressure was exactly what it should be, we changed my meds. I'm now on an ACE inhibitor. Go me.... Anyway, after that I went and got my drugs. I went to the hairdresser and said "Give me something my grandparents will like for graduation photos" and got a slightly fluffier version of my usual cut - my grandfather was happy, my grandmother complained that I'd cut all my hair off. Then I met up with Alana again so she could help me pick what clothes I bought with my gift vouchers. She got frustrated with me and ended up dressing me for graduation and then making up the considerable difference between my gift vouchers and the cost of the clothes with her own money, so at some point I am going to have to find a subtle way of paying her back. Anyway, on the way home from that I stupidly blew a bit over $160 on Season Six Buffy on DVD. I had bumped into two of my friends who already had it, and I was feeling left out. And, I'm a dumb arse.
Friday, I had morning classes then blew an hour in town - mostly talking to my father, before meeting my Aunt Jude at lunch time to get my regalia. Then I went home for a while before dressing up in my scary orange shirt, my waistcoat and my brown discoball tie, and heading down in my regalia to be in the big group photo for the paper. Then I stuffed around until the English graduate drinks and nibbles. It was kind of fun but the turnout was embarrasingly low. Even my honours supervisor wasn't there. Which was a bit of a shame, as I mostly only went so I could catch up with him. Then I went to Eureka with Midget's family for dessert before having an early night.
Ergh, I have to go to class, I'll have to write up about the weekend when I get back.
Ok, where was I?
Saturday morning, I got up and dressed and went for graduation photos. Unexpectedly my parents were not polite but even managed to be polite to each other. Then after an hour of photos we had lunch at the museum and then I headed off and did the whole parade thing. I had caved in and wore my pink hood, as I knew Judith would kill me if I wore the much nicer blue one - it being technically a less important degree. Then there was the lining up and all the checking that we were in the correct order. I was number 12. Then the filing into the town hall and the waiting. Then at about 3:15ish, I got nine letters whacked onto the end of my name. In fact, nine letters whihc can be rearranged to spell "bach snobs" (found with the help of wordsmith.org). After the ceremony, and free nibbles in the tent, I visited Becky on her home detention so she could see me all overly dressed up. At 7:30 came the dinner at Tokyo Garden. It wasn't bad, though we booked over two months early and still got split between two tables, and they weren't exactly great tables either, but it wasn't a huge worry, Mum's family took one table, Dad's and the assorted others (including me) took the other. The service was very slow, but the food was good and they were very busy so it's all okay. This was followed by dessert (of Banana Splits) at The Governor's. Then Oli, Briget and I went to Isis, where I was supposed to meet up with Midget. She wasn't there, so I added Long Island Ice Tea to the wine already sitting around in my stomache, and then after chatting to Oli for a while, bade him good night and went off to Refeul and found the Midget, and Becky and Kez - whom I'd also promised to meet. I started on the beer then, and was soon a bit to drunk to put up with the antics of someone who was hitting on me for humour value (atleast, I hope it was for humour value) and got grumpy and mean. I also chatted to my most recent ex for the first time in about a year and a half, in the process reminding myself why it was never going to work. When I started getting too unpleasant Midget walked me home and then chatted to me for about an hour before she left me to sleep.
Sunday I woke up and after years of trying, finally knew what a hangover felt like. Only a couple of minutes after I woke, the phone rang and Midget kidnapped me off to her graduation lunch - only just had time to shower while she drove over to fetch me. After lunch with her family I came home and collapsed in bed for the rest of the day. I didn't actually feel that bad, just a little headachey and quite tired.
Today I had uneventful morning classes, came home for a couple of hours, rediscovered my guestbook and wrote the start of the entry, went back down for a a group meeting whihc turn out to be a complete waste of time, came home and played some Baldur's Gate II.
And now I think I shall go and sleep some, while my puter tries (and most likely fails) to download some Buffy.
oh, and I forgot to mention. I had the biggest Trencher (the hat with the square board on top) that the academic dress hire place has, appearantly it is the biggest that is made, and it was very tight on my head. And I am even practically hairless. I guess I really do have a freaky giant head.
Today's quote is from "".
21st May 2003
.
I am SO fat.
Over lent I lost a fair whack of weight, I was still an ugly blob, but I was hinting at the possibility of potential. In the month since i've not only put it all back on, but found some extra flab aswell. I'm not far off being that fattest I've ever been - in fact, I may be there by now. Which has to be a good look for my graduation photos. But then again, in the future when i'm all skinny and hot, when people get grumpy about me for being mean to fat people I can say "look, I used to be just as big - so I'm allowed to be mean at them about it". Who am I kidding. My graduation photos will be the "look, I used to be only kind of fat" evidence photos when I'm so huge I need a metal hoop on wheels holding my stomach up in order for me to even walk. The only way I'll ever get skinny is if I rob and bank and use the money for LOTS of lyposuction, or if I start abusing speed, or street xenical (okay, I'm pretty sure theres no such thing, but a fat boy can dream - even if he can't run), or so much thiroxin that I end up skinny, hyperactive and having of the most bulging out goldfish eyes.
Ah well, if I keep putting on weight like this I'll have my heart attack far too young to care about having spent my life alone.
Ah well.
That will learn me for validating my existence with food.
Or not.
Atleast my neck is recoving from the weekend. I hadn't washed my graduation clothes, so they would still be all clean and fresh and nice. Unfortunately where my nice shiny new shirt touched my freshly shaven throat, my allergy to detergenty things kicked in extra hard and on sunday morning my throat was pretty much a giant purple zone of ickiness. And now it's still a little lumpy and discoloured, but it's a lot more neck looking.
Tuesday classes were pretty dull, and in my lab in the evening I was shamelessly flirting at someone I know nothing would ever happen with. It was kind of fun and, more importantly, safe.
My classes today were very dull, and now I'm killing time until my evening lab.
People must hate me, I got 39/42 in the physiology test which I successfully managed to do absolutely no study for at all.
I stupidly cooked tea and when I went to put half of it in the fridge as left overs, I realised I already had left overs in the fridge. Ah well, atleast I won't have to cook for the next couple of days.
And my chem lab was pretty uneventful. Though did prove my organic chem know-how is a touch on the rusty side. And one of my students - whom I had a long chat with while drunk on saturday night - gave me a ride home, as it is all rainy out. She's kind of cool, and if she thinks I'm crazy, she atleast thinks I'm harmless.
Today's quote is from "".
25th May 2003 - Aldhelm, Bp. and Conf. Middle Lessons of S. Urban. (Tina's birthday)
Thursday I had my morning lectures, then met Nina for morning tea before her classes. It was a great catch up, the first time I've spent with just her since last year. And we had a nice long chat about how much I wish I wasn't doing pharmacy. She even agreed that being a pharmacist would drive my stir crazy - and that I should try to be a crazy old english academic. Then I killed a little time, before meeting my aunt Jude and going to the photographer and getting my graduation photos back. I look so fat in them all. All multiple chinned and with the added bonus of looking super pastey. then I came home and hid form the rain until I went to tea with my family, so Mum could go through the photos and work out which ones she wants to get copies of. Then I came home to having Tina stay here for the night. We watched Buffy and chatted, and it was pretty cool. Except for the fact she decided to snore all night.
Friday morning, I was quite tired, so I slept through the entire biochem lecture, I think I even dribbled on my lecture notes a little. By talking to pepole I managed to stay awake through my other two, and then met up with Tina and went into town for lunch, and a quick look at the 24hr booksale. I bought myself a copy of The Elvenbane, which I have read a bunch of times, and like. Then I bumped into Susan in the street, as she was in town for graduation, so I had a cuppa with her before heading to my physiology lab. We were giving ourselves blood tests. I got a B. Then I went out for tea with Tina and Nina, before hitting hte booksale again, this time for a few hours, but still only buying one thing. Then about midnight I came home to do some sleeping. And Friday night, Tina didn't snore.
Yesterday, I had a family lunch. It was the grandfather's 70th birthday party. it was pretty cool, though my grandmother kept trying to feed more to me. I suspect she wants me to stay fat so I'm too unattractive to make a great-grandmother of her. In the evening I went to dinner with Tina, her family and bf.
Today I stuffed around playing Baldur's Gate II: Shadow of Amn all day, and after several weeks of playing it, I've finally won - as of 9:30 this evening.
I have a whole bunch of homework I should be doing. but I just don't care enough. If I fail it, I can justify not staying in pharmacy.
Or I could save a whole bunch of effort and just die already.
Today's quote is from "".
26th May 2003 - Augustine, Apostle of the English.
It's now going on nine, and I still haven't started my 20% which is due tomorrow. Tomorrow in which I also have a biochem assignment to do, and a history of pharmacy test thing. Basically, tomorrow is going to suck the big one. And I keep putting things off and making it worse.
The fact I entirely don't want to be doing my course isn't exactly helping. And I think pharmacy is making me even fatter, as I'm finding myself craving a nice protective layer of comfort food a lot more than I used to.
I really am going to have to look into doing something else.
or I could just die, and then not have to do anything.
Sorry. I'm not feeling all hugs'n'puppies-ish.
But I should be. I made Calamine Lotion in dispensing today. Though I went on to get it on my graduation shirt, which I'd worn as everyone (except the class's token Maori guy who seems to be excused) has to dress up class for or get horribly yelled at.
Though other than the Clamaine Lotion thing, my day was pretty uneventful. Just classes and avoiding of study. I have SO much internal assessment tomorrow. Bugger it.
Today's quote is from "".
29th May 2003.
Tuesday after far too much work preparing my stupid presentation, it was cancelled as the lecturer was ill. I was not impressed. Especially as I had two other assessments that day, both of which suffered because I was too busy with the presentation, which I now have to give next week, when university policy says there isn't supposed to be any assessment. Atleast a student got her dad to give me a ride home from my lab in the evening, as it was very chilly.
Wednesday was a little better, classes all day, and my last chem 112 lab for the year in the evening, I am looking forward to having my evenings back.
Today after my classes I went to dent school, as my 1 4 (dent jargon number) has been very painful for quite a while, and in the last few days eating had become quite unpleasant. So I sat for two and a half hours reading Robert Charles Wilson's The Chronoliths, until I was examined, at which point I was skipped pretty much to the top of the list, as it something that appearant would have been considered emergency-ish a few weeks early. When I left a bit after one, I had very numb face. Go the stroke victim look, so I bought chocolate and a pile of fruit and went home to bed. The rest of the day I've spent feeling like someone kicked me in the head. My mouth feels okay-ish, but the whole rest of my head is in a very unpleasant way. And, as makes perfect sense when one is feeling unwell, I convinced myself that all my friends hate me. Then ranted about this to Simon until he got pissed off and stopped talking to me. Go self-fulfilling prophecy. At this rate I really will drive off what few friends I have. Though to be fair, I think they are mostly only friends with me out of pity, and will be relieved by my giving them an easy-out from being friends with me - with my being such a freak and all.
Anyway, I'm off to bed to feel crappy some more.
Today's quote is from "".