September 2005
Masters looking good - but I smell wishful thinking.
1st September 2005 - Giles, Ab. Middle lessons of S. Priscus.
Yesterday in the office I was hit by a migraine so bad that as I was walking home I was seriously considering smashing my head open against something. Sure it would kill me, but at least it'd let out the pressure between my eyes. I felt like my forehead was going to explode. Also turns out that walking home when if so much pain you can barely see leads to near misses with traffic. Not a genius plan. This came after a surprisingly constructive brain-poking in the morning, covering my obsessive tendencies and finally broaching my weird and wacky ex-issues - which isn't obsessive behaviour, just an obsession. Then last night, after napping my migraine off, I went to my mother's and moved furniture for her. Once again she is wasting money on her own stupidity.
Today, I did work in the office and had a two hour lunch, featuring satay with Katie and then hunting town for the cheapest energy saver lightbulbs. On the way back to the office I impulse bought the Farscape follow-up mini-series Peacekeeper War. It was on a less-than-$20 sale, so very much worth it. And gave me over three hours of viewing pleasure this evening. Otherwise the day was spent reading medieval manners book - not a barrel of monkeys.
2nd September 2005.
Had an unproductive day int he office. Morning I just got little done, afternoon lost big chunks of time to a planning meeting for the open day next week - in which I am stupidly too involved - and hanging out with Stu in the union for a bit over an hour. It was pretty good. At about 5 I went to the Postgrad lounge and partook of the free BBQ. Was pretty good, if unproductive a day.
All was sweet until after dinner when I had an attack of thinking. Now I've broken in to the beer Shiny left in my fridge many, many months ago. Just now my world needs alcohol softened edges. Which is a bad thing to need but just now things in my head are a little too noisy. Filling myself up with Grolsch. A night of drunken Sims playing lies ahead of me. Then I have swimming in the morning.
3rd September 2005.
Have just finally got Simon to actually talk about what has been up the past many weeks. Now wishing I hadn't. Looks like I'm down one closest friend I've ever had. This can be a personal growth thing, if I don't kill myself anytime soon I can probably safely assume it's not a serious worry at any later point in my life.
Right now I think I may be in shock a little. I guess this may make more sense later, but just now it really doesn't.
Most frustrating bit is that the moment I really need to talk something over with Simon my instinct is to talk to Simon, which is no longer an option at all. And ranting on here - really not as good.
Okay, have mostly stopped shaking now. Probably time to stop and go, before I say anything to him that I oughtn't. Not that it is really a point I need be worried about that, but I would still rather not say anything nasty.
There is too much noise in my head. I can't tell what I am thinking.
4th September 2005 - Trans. of S. Cuthbert, Bp. and Conf. Nine lessons, unless read in Lent.
Last night I was a bit of a mess. Fortunately Midget came around and dragged me to a couple of cafes so I could escape myself a little. By the end of the night I was actually kind of ok - okay enough to make inappropriate humorous remarks (which may have been burning the charred and ruined foundations of the bridges Simon had beaten me to setting alight).
Went to the office much later than I had intended, it was still morning though - which is okay on a Sunday. After lunch though I was too preoccupied to get much more work done. Events of the night before might have been bottled enough to not cause an attack of emotion but were still using too much of my mental processing for much work to get done. Thinking has led to my accepting much of Simon's argument wasn't wrong. Timing makes no sense, as the main reason is much less of a reason now than it has been for most of our friendship (it's arguably still reason enough though). Can't really fault it at all. Also made me realise how self involved I am. I had never even thought about the fact he may have issues, I always just assumed my issues were responsible for all the occasional unpleasantness - but it seems I was too busy blaming myself to actually pay attention to what was going on.
Turns out I'm stupid and self involved. Anyone see that coming?
I think the lesson is not to put all my friendship eggs in one basket.
5th September 2005 - Bertin, Ab. and Conf. With Nocturn.
Found myself thinking how much less preoccupied I am now compared to when I was wondering what was going on - then realised that thought had been taking up my head for hours and that I was lying to myself. The fun-ness of being inside my head.
6th September 2005.
My modem is dying. And the one person I trust to play around inside my computer is now unaskable. I am going to have to learn to trust some other geek with my hardware. This is not a prospect I like.
Yesterday work did slightly better, but still not well. I'm feeling surprisingly fine about stuff but it still has a lot of noise in my head. I have to learn to block thinking. Thinking never ends well.
Did have lunch with my father though, which was good. Went to Eureka and had stupidly expensive food. My bacon and mushroom pasta was so full of cheese. Was good to catch up with my father and a free lunch always makes me happy.
Last night I went to the Outback Inn Quiz with Oli. We came a frustrating fourth, one point of third, two off second and only four off first. Had I argued a couple of my answers a bit harder we'd have been second. First equal if I'd only been more confident about the Catalan speaking of Andorra. Just makes things a little frustrating. It is always annoying to know you ought have done better.
I just sent an email I probably shouldn't have. It only said nice things, and things I really needed to get off my chest - but I suspect even ranting on here would have been a more sensible outlet than the email as it happened. Too late now, it being done and all.
9th September 2005 - Gorgonius, Mart. Mem. only.
Tuesday, I spent in the office, though took a long lunch so that I could both eat and go see Helen Clark while she was on campus. Through surprisingly luck I ended up with someone very nice on the eyes sitting beside me at Krishna lunch and then standing beside me in the crowd to watch Helen. Did notice I was paying more attention to eye candy than usual. I think it might be a telling sign.
I realised on Wednesday morning - after failing to sleep even remotely well - that I was much less ok with events of the weekend than I had been telling myself I was. This lead to me being a bit of a wreck come my weekly brain-poking. Mentioned my blog during the session, though am not entirely sure I want my psychotherapist reading it. I'm not sure I want her knowing how ranty I am. Wednesday afternoon I had my final dent school appointment - everything that currently needs done is done. Now I just have a giant and scary bill to slowly pay off.
Yesterday, I wrote the presentation seminar thingee I'll be giving at the Open Day mini-conference thing I'm going to today. I' not exactly happy with it - but it will do. The evening I spent baking biscuits that went horribly wrong. Recipe never used to fail me but recently has always run flat in the oven. I'm left wondering if butter has a different fat content from what it once did.
Another sleepless night - this one with what sleep I had disturbed by dreams of New Orleans news footage. Over sympathetic dreams are depressing - and led to my waking up and being tired and crappy feeling today. Anyway, I should go prepare. Being that I have a busy day ahead of me and all. Must overcome my grumpiness since I'm helping run the thing today.
11th September 2005 - SS. Prothus and Hyacinth, Martt. Mem. only.
Yesterday swimming was cancelled - stupid university work getting in the way of my having a swimming buddy.... I ended up spending some of the day lazing out in the nice weather, and some of it watching Stargate: Atlantis, which is cheesy, formulaic and ridiculous.
Today, after finishing Stargate: Atlantis in the morning, I went to varsity and tried to do some work. By lunch time I was getting frustrated with it, and by midafternoon I had slipped into the mental trap of wallowing in the fact I am too stupid to be doing post grad and should just quit and stop wasting everyone's time. The lack of supervision has killed the momentum I had with the thing and I am currently wishing I'd never started it. Had I just thought with my wallet I would now be mere months from completing my pharmacy degree and this whole stupid being a postgraduate disaster would never have happened.
12th September 2005.
I appear to have psyched myself into feeling sick. When I woke up about an hour ago I felt fine, after listening to a little radio and accidentally thinking things I afterwards wished I hadn't, by the time I got up half an hour ago, I felt horribly sick. I feel very, very gross and icky. Stupid probably psychosomatic illnesses. Either that or I poisoned myself with the coleslaw I bought to have with dinner last night.
Today went okay. Felt better once I was walking in to varsity. Spotted my supervisor - now back in the country - but he seems to be avoiding me. Day was mostly uneventful. Evil Nic was glaring, but that is basically expected. This evening I headed in to the Outback Inn and met up with Oli and co for the quiz night. We won - which makes me pretty happy. Prize will go to the team having dinner there on Wednesday. Now time for me to sleep. Feel weird, didn't drink that much so not sure what it is.
15th September 2005.
Chatting to Shiny online and wondering why. I may just be extra grumpy this week, but just now I can't see why we talk at all. I just end up thinking very ungenerous things. I have to become pickier about my friends.
Anyway, Tuesday I had lunch with my father, did work in the office and went to my brother's birthday dinner in the evening.
Wednesday I had an early meeting with my supervisor, which went pretty well. He was too busy being happy with what I'd done to actual doing anything particularly supervisorish. Then I had a good solid day of working until about six when I headed to the Outback and had pub food dinner with Oli and co. Made for a great evening, even if two handles (after a rather large meal) left me feeling uncomfortably tipsy. Someday I must grow some alcohol tolerance. A good night was had, and I was still home in time for Clone High. Though I drunkenly decided I was suffering hug deficiency and complained about it to people.
Today I went in early and did a fair whack of work. I skivved off before three - which was freakishly early - but I was cranky and feeling the urge to pound the wheels of my swivelly chair into Evil Nic's skull. After deciding that violent responses would make me someone I don't really want to be I left and came home. Thus the being here to get annoyed at Shiny.
Apparently I'm a cunt. Ah well.
I'm feeling weirdly offended by National's "mainstream" slogans. Something about the marginalisation it implies makes me very uncomfortable. The "if you don't agree with Don Brash then you're not a normal person" attitude is just rude. It worries me I live in a country where it looks like a party that is promoting itself on marginalising those who don't agree with it might win the election.
19th September 2005.
I have consumed of the beer at quiz night - which we conquered again. And have an alcohol induced temporary crush on a hottie from teh team that came second. Such a nice body and a face to match. In my alcohol inducedness I was openly drooling - fortunately no-one seemed to notice.
Anyway, time has passed since I last wrote. Friday went to reading Michael Carden's Sodomy: A History of A Christian Biblical Myth - which is filling me with the need to burn all the faggots of the world so they stop writing queer theory.
Saturday morning I voted, went swimming and then had lunch with Meg. Then the rest of the weekend went to the Sims2 Nightlife expansion. Not as good as University but still fun. Sunday afternoon I baked biscuits and fattened up my flatmate with them while I ate apples.
Today, started late due to avoiding of coldness and playing of Sims-ness. Did some reading, had lunch with my father, discovered that I'm a ill-hearted, hateful little man where I had always thought I was at the kind-hearted end on the hateful little man scale. Queer theory really brings out the hateful bastard in me. In lighter news, my father gave me a wad of cash, which was surprising and out of character. I've since blown it on extravagences like outstanding power and phone bills. I came home before 4 as I had stomach pains of the food allergy sort. It was like I'd drunk two litres of flavoured milk and the diary monster ws getting me, but I'm pretty sure I'd not dairied up so I have no idea what brought it on.
And then it was this evening and quiz night and my being a lecherous man of wandering eyes.
25th September 2005.
Tuesday I decided the weird stomach thing was sickness and not food reaction. That said, I pulled a full stint at the office. Getting work done is good.
Wednesday I slept in. Sleeping in is pretty damn rare for me - thus worthy of mention. I was almost late for my weekly brain poking by the time I got myself up and ready (and arsed around a lot as I often do). Then worked in the office till almost six when evil Nic started going out of her way to make me feel extremely unwelcome in the office so that I would leave - the hypocrisy of her is irksome, especially her chatting away on her phone in the office after how much she is a psychotic noise nazi about anything done by the rest of us. As such I ended up stupidly early to meet my quiz team and buy food with our winnings.
Thursday, went to doing work. I just wish the work I was doing was leading more directly to results.
Friday, I went in to the office at lunch time having decided I would take the morning off. I got lunch and a tiny bag of lollies (milk bottles), at my lunch in the staff room while getting occasional evils from the evil Nic - so I decided to take my lollies back to the office. I'm technically allowed to eat them in there and she was pissing me off. So I go in and take a couple out of the soft plastic (and thus not very rustley) plastic bag and am quietly chewing away on one when she demands I go to the tea room and eat there. I decided it was time to say no - and as such a shouting match ensued. During which she said a few thing I'm sure she didn't intend to which revealed a lot about just how self-righteous she really is. Especially her declaration that she was the only person in the room whose research was in any way important. I was also impressed by her declaration that I am "always eating lollies", being that it was the first time I had had any such thing in the office in many months. It is always nice when people prove to be as irrational, vindictive and self-involved as you had suspected they might be. Knowing this I no longer have to even pretend she's actually an okay person just not handling stress well - as she really isn't. Icing on the cake, though, was the "apology" she gave later. At the time I accepted it, ut realised a few minutes later that it wasn't an apology at all - it was a list of justifications for why she thought anyone her isn't her doesn't matter. It was purely an exercise in her own self importance. I am actually quite impressed that someone could be that shameless and actually expect people to take her seriously. Friday evening, after a chat to Scott in the library, I headed to Hoyts and took some photos of Alana while she worked and then headed home to watch TV, play computer games and blob. Friday was also a nicely internet free day.
Yesterday, Meg piked on swimming. Midafternoon I went to a BBQ to celebrate the Mothras, and ended up drinking much more than I had intended and hitting on someone I probably should but who is just so damn funny to hit on. I headed home about tea time to be picked up by Fluffy, Oli and Bridget to go of to Fluffy's and celebrate his birthday with takeaways and DVD watching. Was a fun night.
Now I'm arsing about preparing to go and spend my Sunday working in the office. it is usually the best day for Evil Nic-free working conditions, but knowing my luck she'll be there with horns and pitchfork, possibly eating baby.
26th September 2005.
Well, my luck was my luck and evil Nic was indeed in the office all day on Sunday. Weirdly though she was being insanely false friendly. It was creepy and disturbing. Had a long day working and finished a book though - productivity is always good.
Today, I wagged to hang out with Oli. Made for a good day. In the evening we had picnic dinner with his girlfriend and headed to quiz night where we sucked. Fourth place. My 3rd/5th form math teacher in the winning team.