November 2007
My life having taken a funny turn.
"The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it's always a cat." - Ogden Nash
2nd November 2007 - Com. of All Souls. At Vespers, Mem. of S. Mary, Mem. of S. Eustachius and his Compp.
On Wednesday, I signed the form making me not a student any more. The backdating still has to be finalised, and then, once it is processes, I have to convince WINZ to give me the sickness benefit.
Wednesday nigt was Halloween. I stayed in and my brother came around to play PlayStation while I failed to read. I may also have ranted about how Halloween night is a full nocturnal vigil in preparations for All Hallows. So Halloween festivities bump the venial sins of conspicuous consumption up to mortal sin status. That'll learn America....
Yesterday, I had dinner at Alana's while my brother helped himself to my room and played more PlayStation. Alana's bf's PS2 is getting well used while it lives in my room.
Today, I went to town and picked up a book I had ordered. I'm supposed to be going out tonight, but am yet to decide if it will happen or not.
6th November 2007 - Leonard, Ab.
I'm spending too much time alone, I caught myself talking to myself. I'm not happy about it, I'm not in a rush to be a crazy. Well, not to be more of a crazy than I already am.
On Friday night I went out. I was late, but turned out to be about an hour earlier than almost everyone else. I lasted a bit over two hours before coming home and going to bed. It was a bit of a waste all around really. Though I did help Oli build a halloween costume out of many rolls of toilet paper.
OKay, I was planning to write proper, but the screen and my eyes aren't getting along so it will have to wait.
8th November 2007 - The Four Crowned Martyrs.
Where was I? The weekend, methinks. Saturday, my dad turned up in the morning when I was getting ready to go to the pool, so he gave me a ride in in order to have a bit of time to talk to me before he headed off again. After swimming I went to Alana's to nap on her couch while she watched Hollyoaks, then I came home and slept. Sunday, I don't think I so much as left the house.
Monday, I spent almost the whole day dozing and feeling arse. The advantage of all that dozing is that i semi-survived Bridget's birthday party (only hiding in the quiet with my eyes tightly closed for a small portion of the night). And fireworks are worth a little suffering (stupid whiny fire-brigade (and possibly Progressive supermarkets), they should strap on a pair). I did pretty much pike on going to Sophie's party afterwards. I got there (as it was on my way home anyway), said hi to Sophie, went home to sleep. I'm such the party animal.
Tuesday, picked up some stuff from varsity. Didn't do all that much else.
Yesterday I napped all day so as to go to Transformers at a charity reshowing of the picture (to raise food for food banks). Turns out this was a very bad plan. I spent much of the movie with my eyes closed, but I was still in considerable pain by the end of it. Pain which has hung around like Littlewood ever since.
After a lot of sleep, I've spent most of today in bed with a pillow over my face. My head feels too small and any attempt to describe the pain in my eyes grosses even me out. So basically it's a happy day..... Also with extra weird headspace after my ex asked me this morning how long we'd technically been going out (technically, as more accurately it was a specialised form of avoiding each other entirely) and I realised I knew basically to the hour - followed quickly by the realisation that I didn't even know how long my more recent relationships had been to the month.
It's not a good look, and irksome considering how well I'd convinced myself that I'd moved on.
12th November 2007.
This thing really is degrading into a "what colour is my pain today" chart. Possibly a sign I should give up on it for the meantime. Being that no-body cares and I'm turning in to the kind of emotionally needy, fragile gimp that I believe ought be put to death. So the fact no-one cares probably isn't making me happy. Yet I would still rather that than the embarrassment of sympathy. I think my issues are fighting.
16th November 2007 - Deposition of S. Edmund, Archbp.
On Monday, after writing the above, I headed to student health for a second opinion. I got Dr George - who is awesome. While he didn't have much more idea of why I'm sick (or, technically, he had too many ideas and wasn't able to prove any one over the others) he did confirm that the meds my doctor put me on aren't doing anything positive at all, and may even be putting my blood pressure up.
In the time since, I've not done much. My brother came around one pay and played PlayStation. Otherwise I've mostly just attempted to read The World Without Us by Alan Weisman. It's interesting, but not as scientific as he is making out. I think I'm discovering why I've never been big on reading pop-science, I'm too pedantic about shit.
I've also been full of a low-grade anger at everyone. Some for actually slights (one of my flatmates swears he paid his share of the phonebill, but it's quite apparent that he didn't) and some just for existing.
I've mostly been avoiding people because of it.
I should be filling out my WINZ paperwork, I have my first caseworker meeting today and will officially become a bludger. I'm not happy.
Well, I have shiny new drugs - the same ones that Dr George suggested, so they may possibly be the right thing - and am now officially a sickness beneficiary. I don't, however, actually receive any benefit until after what will basically equate to a three week stand-down (technically a one week one, but it is amazing how technicalities can work out...). And even then it'll be paid the week after the week it covers. So basically, the money I was saving to finally get a hard-drive (the one I have is from two computers ago) is now going to be spent on rent and bills. Joy.
The good bit is that my new meds will make me drowsy and space-cadet-ish for at least a few days, if not a couple of weeks.
Is it bad that I completely understand the motivations of people who snap and take WINZ staff hostage? I'd never do it, I know they are just retarded and powerless cogs in the machine - but I still understand the impulse.
20th November 2007 - Edmund, K. and Mart. (Hmmmm, Edmund on the pentad of some other Edmund - odd.)
The new meds have helped enough that I can sort of watch TV. This has led to me getting pissed off at the shitness of whats on. Quite surprising as I'm finding myself entirely not caring about some things, I guess the meds are only fucking with some bits of my brains capacity to crankiness. Does my bum look big? is not only bad TV, it's bad a being bad TV. All it is is a fugly woman and her handbag sized pet homo telling people that they are ugly if they don't all try to look the same. I really have to not let other people hold the remote.... Possibly I'm just irked that the superhero show of entertainingly crapness has been bumped for a Justin Timberlake special. I mean, it's not like he's Fiona Apple.
Otherwise, I'm sleepy. I've spent the last few days either sleeping or wishing I was. I guess the threat of drowsiness wasn't kidding. Seems the phototoxicity wasn't kidding either, which may prove annoying.
Hopefully the insane amounts of sleepiness doesn't go on for too long, as some point I have to find somewhere to live for next year. I was supposed to have finished my masters and be all job getting so I could live somewhere I actually wanted to, but instead I'll be just another sad freak bludger scraping for whatever he can get.
Hmmm, this seems less linear than it ought be....
Saturday, I went to a wedding. It was my day off the old meds but before I started the new, which I decided meant it was my one chance to drink in ages. The wedding was great, but I got drunk off very little alcohol and may have made a slight tool of myself at the reception. I know I was hitting on a hot (far, far out of my league) cousin of the groom (who politely chose to take it as just friendliness).
Sunday, I started the new meds. Then went to the butterfly house at the museum. The fake rainforest was too freaking warm and damp. I felt a bit unpleasant. Several of the things landed on me though, which was entertaining (if only as Alana wanted them to land on her). Close up, and when rather large, butterflies have extremely ugly faces - leaves me thinking I should be more generous about my exs.
In the afternoon I was picked up by Lyall in a taxi and taken to Meg's birthday party. I was a little suspect at the generosity of the offer, I suspect Alana made him do it - though I'm definitely not complaining. The party was nice, though I was feeling a bit mank and probably being a bit antisocial. Afterward, I taxi'd back to Lyall's and went to walk home only to have him decide he had to walk me. I felt rather awkward and embarrassed about this. I didn't think I was coming across as that obviously sick (though again, it may have been fear of Alana rather than pity of my sickliness). Walking up the stair of Bank St, however, I suddenly appreciated someone being there. I had an attack of subjective gravity (my freshly coined term for 'dizziness' - one without the unmanly connotations) and was glad there was someone there who could call an ambulance before I had bled to death should I have spazzed out and fallen backwards down them.
Anyway, as much as I think the new meds are helping, I still have limits and as the unpleasantness is kicking in, I think I shall off and sleep.
23rd November 2007 - Clement, Pope and Mart. Mem. of S. Felicitas, V.
My meds are making me depressed, which struck me as odd considering how they were designed as antidepressants before they realised they were good for pain. Though I looked in to it, as I'm a med geek, and found that the reaction is entirely normal. The first week or two sucks for side effects, but afterwards I should hopefully just be a touch slow witted. At least they are helping with the pain, taking the edge off. Though everything else seemed to be getting worse to compensate....
In not-Matthew's-boring-health-shit news, I'm a shut in and I'm driving myself crazy. I'm being extremely cranky but not mentioning it to the parties involved about my groceries "accidentally" being stolen. Generally, it's probably a good thing I see little of my friends as I suspect I'm quite unpleasant to be around. Alana tolerates my grumpiness surprisingly well though, so I spent last night eating her mother's delicious food and faking being human.
28th November 2007.
In the first week on my new meds I gained 10kg. Admittedly, I'd been dropping weight (though becoming visibly tubbier) on the last meds. I think I'm now the tubbiest I've ever been, if still a few kilos below my dating Shiny peak weight. Stupid being too sickly to do all that much. With the pain in my head dropping back to the levels of about six weeks ago, I can once again feel that my muscles all hurt all the time.
I was going to write properly, but my and computer screens still aren't getting along and I've just spent ten minutes doing random internet crap. Sometime soon, I'll do this first and once my eyes and head are already complaining about it.
30th November 2007 - Andrew, Ap.
Public embarrassment, thy name is Matthew.
I managed to fall over (fortunately on to a chair and not the floor) after an appoinment at Housing New Zealand today. I feel very retarded.
I'm sure I had stuff to actually write about, as I kept meaning to do this thing, but now that I come to do it I can't think of what any of them were. I'm mostly just sleeping far more than can be good for me, and reading children's books (as my brain isn't really retaining anything or processing particularly well, so reading anything else would be a bit of a waste).
Damn it, I entirely can't remember what I was intending to write about.
Weird thing happened on the way home today though, I heard someone yelling abuse and threatening someone outside the supermarket. I was about to do the stupid thing and try to break it up when I realised I knew the guy being abused and the accusations seemed a little too plausible. Just because someone struck me as the sort of person who could grow up to be a kiddy-fiddler when I knew him ten years ago-ish, doesn't mean that he did. But did lead to me proving my bad personness by pretending not to notice what was going on and making myself scarce. So, I'm heading for the fiery pits of bad person hell.
I think I need a nap.