September 2009
Likes Spring, but doesn't like anything else much.
1st September 2009 - Giles, Ab. Middle lessons of S. Priscus.
I keep not writing as I've mostly just been depressed which doesn't leave me much to write. Pretty much since the Monday when I found out Chay had died I've just be working myself further down a warm fuzzy depression positive feedback cycle - nothing like being depressed to get more depressed about. Fuck my brain is awesome.....
The week following the funeral, I don't really recall anything of note being done. I went to classes, though for the first time stopped being so good on getting all the homework done. I was just feeling shit and tired all the time. Mostly I just curled up and home and wallowed in my self-pity. It's a productive life-style choice.
I also got so glum I started chatting to internet randoms - that never ends well.
And venting my not-remotely-inner-needy-bitch at Simon is entirely a way to make friends an influence people. I'm not sure that he and I are remotely friends any more. But that is mostly because I'm a bit special in the head and completely failing t reading people at all - I'm pretty much defaulting to assuming everyone would prefer a world I wasn't in. And Simon is easy to interpret that way regardless of how nicely things are actually going. I really should have learned to talk personal shit with someone like Oliver - it's just never happened. I'm a complete fuck up - but I guess that fact that I know it makes it better.
I don't know why it's getting to me so much. I spent most of the last two years with constant drug-induced depression, having the same sort of thing but without the drugs to blame it on shouldn't leave me this much of a mess.
I'm a spaz.
And tonight the muscles in my arms keep twitching, it's driving me to distraction. I may have overdone things at the pool. Or possibly my meds are starting to not work so well.
6th September 2009.
The week of is over and I've not done my Latin homework - or thought about school at all. I've pretty much just spent the week curled up trying to overcome the feeling utterly burned out and mostly failing at it.
I'm still so tired, I don't want to go back to uni tomorrow. But admitting that is a slippery slope toward having to admit I'm probably too sick to be at uni at all and I'm not yet willing to concede that one....
On Wednesday, in an effort to stop just wallowing in my own depression, I made Anson come around for dinner of takeaways. It was good, though I think I was possibly a bit annoying. Afterwards I went to Oli's and watched OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies. While it wasn't as funny as its sequel, it was still pretty awesome.
Thursday I made a proper effort to be out of the house. I had lunch with Greer and afternoon tea with Emily before curling up on my couch and watching the first six episodes of the second season of True Blood.
Friday, Dad was in town so it went to family crap.
Saturday, I went to the farmers' market with Greer, watching some more True Blood and went to Oli's for a BBQ in the evening. Turned out I had too much underlying being depressed going on for drinking to be a good idea, so I sulked off home rather early. I also vented so depressed at an entirely unresponsive Simon - always a great way to keep someone on side.... I'm a tard.
After an early night, but not remotely good sleep, I rolled out of bed and tidied up in time to go to the first showing of Up for the day with my father and brother. It was a Fathers' Day thing - me being a good son and all that shit. Up was a lot of fun. Then an afternoon of too much family followed. In the evening I went to dinner with a big group to celebrate Andrea (whose 7th form formal I went to with her about 11 years ago) and Shannon (her husband) were back in Dunedin for the first time in many years, if just for the weekend.
And now I should go to bed. I'm in no way prepared for school tomorrow - but that isn't going to change tonight. The morning could be interesting, or I may just miss the first day back.
14th September 2009 - Exaltation of Holy Cross. Middle Lessons of SS. Cornelius and Cyprian.
The first week back at classes was mostly pretty uneventful. Regardless of how much I left stupidly early for classes I was late every day.
On Tuesday, on the way home, I borrowed Club Dead from Julie. It ate spare time over the next couple of days - and is terrible in an disturbingly compelling way. Season Three of True Blood will be insane.
On Wednesday I seriously over-did things at the pool. Having just finished a set of laps of breast-stroke that I'd added to my usual aqua jogging, I then bumped into my hottest ex (who since dropping me has become a triathlete) leaving me feeling crapper about myself than usual and leading to a bunch more exercise. After an extra hour of aquajogging I gave it up and headed home, where the pain I was in just kept on growing. Seems my body was not in the mood to forgive. It lead on to a very unpleasant night and a Thursday of feeling uncomfortable.
Otherwise the Thursday was good. Lunch with Dan and Greer. Catching up with Emily. A quiz in the evening where Dan, Greer and I bet Oli's team. We didn't win, but it was a victory of sorts.
Friday, I stayed in almost all day trying to recuperate, only leaving to pay a powerbill and get Indian for lunch. Sometimes butter chicken is just needed. In the evening I was planning to go catch up with Oli but it just didn't happen.
Saturday, I went to a rained out BBQ at Oli's and then out for a night of partying. It was a great night, though I probably should have stayed away from Johann's homebrewed vodka. Also should have avoided undie500ers, as one (who went by the name of Maggot) kept grabbing my arse - it was not pleasant. Turns out I don't get flattered as easily as I thought, I mostly just get creeped out. On the walk home me and Oli went via Castle Street, but we had missed the riots and it was just a bunch of police officers milling about and not really anyone else around. We ended up at the new Bowler just before it was closing. It was odd.
Sunday, after only five hours sleep I went to my brother's 21st birthday lunch and managed to not snap at anyone. Go me. Then it was home to pre-couchsurfer cleaning and doing study for Latin. The couchsurfers came and made dinner and were awesome.
This morning, I royally fucked up the Latin test though worked out almost all of the right answers on the walk home - which makes is so very much worse than if I'd not known them at all. My couchurfers made pizza for dinner tonight, it was great though I et far too much of it.
15th September 2009 - Oct. of Blessed Mary.
Today I was late to class for a valid reason, having bid my couchsurfers farewell before heading in. Federico (Fred) and Silvia were great - and two days of delicious (if somewhat late and cheese based - thus sleep disturbing) dinners.
After classes, I came home and slept most of the day away - yet still had trouble functioning this evening and staying up to watch Outrageous Fortune took real effort. Stupidly unhelpful four hour nap.
Time I go sleep, even if my Latin homework is not done.
22nd September 2009 - Maurice and Compp. Martt.
For a bit over a week I've been feeling the pain more than usual. Basically means I'm significantly less happy with the work and running with my not very latent death wish by working toward a death by heart disease before I'm 40.
I should write more, but right now I'm not in a writing (or Latin homework doing) mood.
25th September 2009 - Firminus, Bp. and Mart.
I should be most of the way through an essay. Instead it is unstarted as I feel like crap. The whole day that was supposed to be productive has been wasted doing nothing more exciting than sitting around feeling gross. Have just ordered pizza that I can't really afford. Pizza will make everything better.
So sick of being sick.
I have heaps to catch up on on this thing. I've been slack.
Last week, other that the Argentines, the week was mostly just feeling worn out and crappy with little to say for itself. On the Friday night I went to Oli's work drinks but then snuck off home early when he went out partying as I just didn't have any party in me.
Saturday, however, I did manage Fiona's birthday and had a pleasant afternoon-night out being social and passing as hominid. Otherwise it was a weekend at home, mostly in bed.
The week that follow, also not so exciting. I went swimming a day early so as to go with Claire. I went to a Qigong class which had me feel great afterwards until all the crap I'd not been feeling came back to get me. And it is now very late on Friday night and I have got nowhere in the essay I've been trying to work on all week. My brain hates me. I keep rereading the same articles over and over and retaining nothing.
27th September 2009 - SS. Cosmas and Damian, Martt.
My iTunes has 243 songs that haven't been played in over a year. It's randomiser sucks, I have the thing running more often than not and only have about a week on songs total.
Essay writing is still of fail. And stressing about it just makes my constant migraine sharper and with more of a twisting/pulling/tearing sensation which entirely fails to be fun.
Stupid daylight's savings. I had an hour stolen from me on a weekend when I need all the hours it has. I really shouldn't have gone to Oli's for dinner last night (even if it was a last chance thing as he is rudely moving away).