Open tabs don't help.

I have had the blogger tab open ever since the last entry but still failing to write.

Currently too tired to think back to last week, but will quick overview this week.

Only left the house twice in the last week, both times with Firmin and both times involving habing out with Joe and Simon.  Last night I got to help them build some lego.

Otherwise I have just been home and sick.  Lung pain and coughing up big balls of phlegm from my lungs are pretty much my life just now.  And being depressed by how sick I am.
Also losing sleep about whether or not to acknowledge Shitlord's upcoming birthday - because my brain is just out to get me.

So mostly all I do is read and watch unhealthy amounts of YouTube.

Wait, maybe I went to town this week.  [Checks message history] Nope, that was getting lunch with Oli on the 24th.  So not this week,

Where are my spoons?

A night of coughing (am choosing to believe the cold was responsible, it was snowing, and not being another kind of sick again) has left me utterly destroyed today.

I have catching up on here to do, but today I am not able to it.

Almost 12 hours out in one go.

On Wednesday I had the last of my horrible stress inducing "Anxiety group meetings".  Four sessions isn't enough to fix anything, especially in a group situation where discusses anything that might be triggering is not allowed.  It was not good on the whole.
Upside, I wore my Amanda Palmer concert t-shirt and it stayed comfortably tucked in.  Which suggests I did actually lose a bit of weight since the start of lockdown - something I had had no reason to assume before.

Thursday I was sore and in my PJs, I only got up properly and showered and my dad warned he was coming to take me out for dinner.  We went to Great Taste, which has somehow got even worse since we were last there.

Friday I actually did stay in my PJs the whole day, finishing my first Lynn Flewelling novel.  Better than the Seanan McGuire books, or the John Green, that I have been reading recently to the point I probably rated it too high on goodreads.  Really I should be going back and lower the marks I gave those other books.  Then for some insane reason, instead of reading the new Jim Butcher, I installed Oblivion, which is so much uglier than I had remembered.  It had been sort of pretty at the time, except for the hideous faces on all the people.

Today I took my Call to Adventure expansion out so that David and Claire could try it out with me. I had promised Claire that she got to be first to play the game, as I had kickstarted it on her behalf, sort of.  I have probably said all this before on here.
But the game went well.  We had three rounds and Claire won them all, David and I took turns at last place.  Next time we shall have to try the Co-op version of the game.

Afterward David dropped me at Carla and Ian's for dinner and getting a go at playing Gloomhaven.  I would someday like to play it properly through with people, but all the people I know who would play it are already attached to campaigns through it and I don't want to squeeze in as an extra player beyond the recommended.
By the time I got home I had been out for almost 12 hours.
There are days when I don't manage that long out of bed, but today I managed that long out and doing stuff.

And I feel destroyed.

Long day, but the wrong day....... what?!

I have been up since just after seven, had stuff to do so hadn't worn earplugs and thus was awoken the moment the builders started playing with powertools at about ten past seven.
I then made a token attempt to clean before I meeting with the landlord and the builder.  But they did not come, the surprisingly hot representative of the landlords turned up to apologise that the meets weren't happening and just told me the changes to the building conditions that the meeting had theoretically been about talking me into agreeing to.
Seems the under-duress contracts they had wanted us to sign don't actually count for anything except undermining our ability to complain, and they will continue regardless of the fact we haven't even been shown them about authorising the change.

Wasted most of the day after that doing a lot of not much.  Though did manage to burn the dumplings I was making for lunch on the the bottom of the pot.

Dinner was Nando's with David, Simon and Joe.  I am much chickened.  And then back to Simon and Joe's to watch some Disney+ and lust after all the LEGO that they bought over lockdown.  So much LEGO of which I am so VERY jealous.

ugh

My brain is so fuzzy today and being upright is difficult and a little unpleasant.

Also, I have absolutely no idea if I took my afternoon meds.  I know I got up and turned out my meds alarm before going to the kitchen.  But how sensible and productive I was after that I cannot say.

Which is annoying that I have such a gap at an awkward time.

My father and trans-sister visited later in the afternoon but too much after the meds time to be of any help in reconstructing the missed time.
Hours after they left I am still cranky.
I have spent years trying to give my sibling the benefit of the doubt when they went off at me about not having heard about why some person needs to be cancelled because of [insert crime here], none of which could I ever find support for having happened, or even having been actually accused, anywhere online that wasn't just someone implying things in a tumblr post.  It is frustrating but I mostly deal with it.  Today, however, my trans-sister let loose with the "actually, China never did anything bad to Tibetans" in what seemed to be an argument heading toward "Europeans made it up to justify anti-Asian racism".  Because apparently I am the credulous one who has opinions based on a lack of evidence....
I met enough Tibetan refugees, back when I was pretty involved in attempting good works, who had first hand experience of bad things being done before they escaped, that I ended up feeling pretty angry.

Then I remember who my mother is and just have to tell myself it is genetics involved and my sibling can't help but have a very poor grasp on consistency, or reality.

I should have been a much more annoying child and stopped my parents having any more.

Dreams and visions

I woke in the night somewhat certain I had actually be shouting, after a dream about how humanity was being manipulated and controlled by Big toilet-paper (watching The Old Guard, the new Netflix movie where Big Pharma is the villain may have been the cause).

I have collapsed out of the day and into bed only ten hours after I woke up. Probably not a great sign.

But I did human today.  Had my first proper catchup with Firmin since before lockdown. Maybe the first all year (he has been avoiding me a little, I think).  We went for a walk I. To see the winter festival, which in its post-COVID form sucked balls, I got some Paasha and then he walked me home.

It was the most human I have been in ages

Brains

I have lost a couple of nights sleep recently, lying awake unable to sort through the urge to message Shitlord for his upcoming birthday against the urge to never interact with him again.
Very strong contrary things are fighting it out inside my head.
And mostly it just frustrates me.

How am I supposed to unexpectedly die in my sleep if I'm not sleeping?

Otherwise, I have been up to little.

I had lunch with Oli before my stupid group on Wednesday.  Which may be the total of my human interaction for the week.

I finally got around to watching Fleabag, which I have had ready to go since Greer told me to watch it last year.  It is the best TV that I have seen in a very long time.

I am reading a John Green novel and getting annoyed by his writing sounding a bit too much like he talks in his vlogs.  I only really watch vlogbrothers for Hank.

And I suspect I may have been low-key spiralling for a while now, as I realise I have been avoiding people for a while without having really thought about it.   That and the slight disappointment at not having died in my sleep.

Dreams are weird

On Sunday night, showing I had watched too much LeftTube while playing Terraria, I dreamed a dream inside the 2D Terraria setting where I was unable to use any of the tool and terrain alteration because I wasn't of a worthy class to affect the world.

Last night I dreamed I was scrambling to climb up Frame St (part of my childhood paper run) but it was too steep and my fingers couldn't get a strong enough grasp to get up it.
There were also people watching and mocking from a house, at the time I knew who they were and what unkindness they had planned, but that part of the dream has faded past remembering now.

Once I woke properly this morning I found I had slept over ten hours.  And woke still feverish.

My body hates me.

So broken

I spent today failing to do anything, thinking it was just laziness that had me feeling kind of off.  Tonight I have chest pain and a very fuzzy head.  Bit of nausea too, but I think it is dizziness based rather than more physical.

Why am I so fucking broken?

I basically didn't do this weekend.
After accidentally agreeing to a dinner with my mother and sibling on Friday, I mostly spent the weekend in my PJs until my dad took me for Sunday dinner.  Fancy Chinese food.  So much duck.

So much achieving nothing because I feel run into the ground.

[edit] got a few hits from countries that aren't Turkmenistan, though can't tell what they looked like as my pageview stats are so utterly flooded by the Turkmenistan hits that continue.  I do suspect, however, that the two hits from the US were to entries particularly focused on by the Turkmenistan hits.  Maybe someone is romance scamming posing as me and has started linking to entries on here so as to prove that they 'exist'.

And oral temperature of 37.4, so I almost certainly am running a little bit of a fever again tonight.  Which maybe explains the fuzziness.

Dire beats

Yesterday, I went aquajogging for the first time since lockdown.  Was good, the only disappointing part was that I turned out to have used up the swims I had already paid for and arrived on the very day the price to refill the card had increased.

After aquajogging, with Midget, we went for lunch before I had to head home for a plumber.  My bathroom sink finally has a hot tap again after a whole lockdown of having to wash my hands in cold water.

Then last night while watching some terrible Netflix, Warrior Nun, my body started doing some weird diabetes symptomatic stuff.  And this morning I had a fasting blood sugar higher than I have ever recorded, fasting or not.
My body is being a jerk.
How is it fair that it rewards exercise and sensibleness with a spike in diabetes?
So dumb.

Bad Friend

I forgot one of my closest friend's birthdays.
Worse, I remembered and asked him about it a few days before but then forgot on the day and until days later.
I am a terribad friend.
He deserves better.

Otherwise my week so far.
Monday and Tuesday were both spent at home in PJs.

Today I finally left the house.  I had satay soup lunch in town before my second anxiety group meeting.  I really don't like it, but it was improved by a significant drop in number of people there.

I got home just in time for my ride for dinner and D&D.
We broke tradition and had dinner out,  at Eureka.
I had the pie of the day, it was surprisingly nice.

For some reason my brain decided that only drinking water while around people getting drunk was the perfect excuse to go super weird and fuzzy so I could be just as giddy and useless as I would have been if I'd been drinking.
What the fuck is wrong with my body.

Hours later, after dozing through the whole D&D game, I am still super fuzzy.

Also, after a group therapy session about sleep hygiene I shall be staying up too late watching TV because I feel to weird to sleep.

I am watching an Australian kids show called Itch, it is loosely about science.