I remembered the reason I stopped leaving the house.  The more cystic tumours in my toxic nodular goitre were pretty swollen for a couple of days and had me feeling like I had something stuck in my throat, often for hours at a time.  It was pretty damn draining.

Reminded how much my illness makes my decisions for me when when a muscle spasm and then cramp had me flailing around at D&D tonight.  Even a couple of hours later my thigh still really aches from it.

WTF, my brain? Just WTF?

Wednesday the 19th, I had lunch with Dad because he wasn't working that day and turned up to be social.  Otherwise just pottered at home.

Thursday the 20th, I had lunch with Oli before some medical errands.  Picking up repeats.  Getting bloodtests to see how my thyroid is doing.  And then getting my flu jab.  So productive.

Flu jab didn't hurt and I cockily was like "that was fine" until trying to sleep that night when my arm was hot, swollen and sore enough to disturb sleep.  It stayed hot for several days.

On Friday I was having a recovery day, but had to wash and dress in the evening for dinner out at Speights with my dad and my sister.

I spent that weekend a bit off my game, failing to play computer games or to pay proper attention to things I tried to watch.  So mostly achieved a bunch of nothing.  Only thing I did all weekend was go to the supermarket on Sunday afternoon.

And now I am only a week behind....

Ummm.  The vagueness as my brain is failing to detail.  I should go get breakfast and see if that helps.

So, last Monday I washed and dressed for roleplaying in the evening.  D&D was fun enough, and I missioned to The Warehouse with Carla afterwards.

Tuesday I only left the house to get cheap Asian dinner from Chopsticks 101 with dad and my sister.  Otherwise had spent the day failing to prepare my Pathfinder game.

Wednesday I had to catch a bus as I was late for brain-poking and had decided to take my roleplaying stuff to town so as to not have to rush back and forward.  The GMing bag is heavy - so many books.  The bus driver was not wearing a mask.... and was also Ben.  The brain poking got into some stuff I had been kind of avoiding as it was a natural follow on from the worst sessions and I had needed a break from stuff that heavy.  Session seemed fine but I have been emotionally exhausted ever since.  Went to Black Dog and chatted to Lisa while I plotted out the evening game.  Then to uni, and ran a session that went surprisingly well considering we didn't really do a lot.  They had their first semi-challenging fight and I still toned it down because I was feeling mean.....  They will never learn if I can't grow a spine.

Is now mid afternoon and I have been failing to writing this while watching YouTube (a mix of Critical Role and anti-IDF stuff (Israel has one dickish military and their propaganda war is up there with China's)).

The only time I have left the house since then was to get Nando's dinner with Firmin on Friday evening.  Otherwise it has been almost five days of sitting at home keeping warm and being too fuzzy brained to achieve much.  I think I may have a cold as I have needed my heater and been even fuzzier brained than usual.

This tab has been open since I wrote the last entry, and I have failed.

A week has happened. I am having to look up my COVID app to work out what happened and where I went, my brain is pretty blank.  Not in a fun blank way.  I think it might be depression brain - which I don't think I had seen coming but appear to have happened at some point.

Last Monday Dunedin had an "event" at a supermarket, which rather sucked.  No-one died but it still left life feeling left safe.  All I did that day was get turkish with Ian and play some D&D.

Tuesday I had brain poking.  I don't think I had slipped into depression mode by that point.  I think talking to a shrink for an hour would have led to noticing that.  After brain poking I went to the science job fair at uni - it was all IT and only IT.  Chem is for losers, it seems.  That evening I got Satay dinner with my dad and sister.

Wednesday, I prepared for my Pathfinder game.  I got Paasha on the way in and had to eat while running the game - so obviously had bought explodey messy food.  Game ran pretty well and I think my players are enjoying it.
I was having a day of vague and fuzzy brain - so possibly that was the warning sign I missed.  Or that was just me being me.

Thursday I had lunch with Oli, then made a bit of an effort to shop for a jacket before winter as I haven't had a decent one that fit in years.  The pop up store for the local company was being run by someone with tailoring experience, so was very happy to poke my body without warning or permission to explain why my weight distribution is wrong for the shape of their large jackets - and so I didn't blow $450 on a rain coat.  And I bought far more junkfood than I normally would because I was not feeling ok.

Friday was a PJ day.  Playing Underrail and doing practically nothing else.  The game is long and I haven't been enjoying it recently but that could be part of the not enjoying anything in recent days.

Also I think Friday was when I realised I hadn't really been sleeping the last couple of nights (or any since).

My brain is so helpful.

Saturday I went to Pakkers for more junkfood, and then ended up going out for hours to a party.  I am sure socialising is good for me but it really really felt like work.  Yet still I didn't realise I had hit depression brain, as much as it is pretty obvious on assessing the event in retrospect.  I have so much of the fuzzy dumbness and the all people being work.  Fortunately my fake jollity skills are grand.

Sunday I felt destroyed so did nothing all day except get dinner with my dad.  Lacking spoons from overdoing the day before, lack of sleep and I now realise also just plain feeling depressed.

This Monday, a friend came around for a chat, otherwise it was more just feeling awful.

And today I realised how hard ignoring the urge to self harm was getting.  I was having to acknowledge and resist/reject the urge.  Which meant acknowledging how much my brain had turned on me.

So a day of doing bits and pieces but mostly nothings.  Brain can't stay on anything for long.  Nothing is fun.  Everything is hard.  Especially staying asleep.

Feeling my oats, if oats can be said to belong to anyone

Tuesday I had brain poking, which ended up very much about family.  In the evening I went to Speights for dinner with my father and sister.  I recall not what else I did with the day.  Wait, I also built my Lego bonsai then.

Wednesday, happened.... I assume.  I think I sent out flatwarming facebook event invites then.

Thursday, I had lunch with Oli but otherwise was just tidying my flat at a very slow speed.

This trend followed with more slow cleaning on Friday, broken up by a trip to the swimming pool with Tina and Midget.  And for dinner I went to Nando's with Simon and Firmin.  Was a nice night.

Saturday morning I was doing cleaning for the flatwarming until my dad and sister arrived so I could use dad for his car and go places and buy things.  Mitre 10 Mega for more 3M hooks and a toilet brush.  Frozen Direct for savouries and cookie dough.  Couplands to realise all the things I wanted from there I had already bought at Frozen Direct.  The Cheesecake Shop to realise I should never go anywhere with my sister after I got scammed into buying her some cake.  And finally to Pak'n'Save for unnecessary amounts of soda water.

I generally over-prepared in the stuff.

While under-preparing in the cleaning.

I had things just passable by the time the first guest arrived.  A couple of guests commented on how spotless I kept things - so the patches of dust I realised I missed may only have been super obvious to me. 

A bunch of people came through in slightly overlapping groups.  It was nice and never too high pressure, so I only freaked out with hosting a little bit.  The most people in my flat at one time was 10, and that included three pre-schoolers (who screamed a lot, and chased each other around with my soft toy snake, and later the octopus my father made).

I think it counts as nice.

Today has been pain.  My body is enraged at all the doing stuff I did yesterday so I am weak and made of muscle fatigue pains.

[edit, at almost midnight but still technically today so can write in this entry without feeling like it is cheating]

I forgot to explain the title.

I have been breakfasting on oats, in oat milk, sweetened with a spoon of oat-based vegan ice cream.  This has been a thing for a while.  But it was today that I realised it is the reason behind the complicated consistency of my poop.  So much oats.  Many oats?  Nope, sticking with much as am not counting the oats even if I technically should.  One doesn't count the sugar grains.   I know oats has the plural form, not a collective singular, but still...

I had a title sorted but it has slipped my mind

Saturday I did very little as I was feeling stupidly exhausted from the small amount of effort the day before.  So I did mostly nothing until dinner time.

Then proceeded to break my sister in a restaurant.  I was trying to defuse what felt like an attempt to pick an argument by pointing out she was getting worked up arguing when no-one was disagreeing.  I realised immediately it was the wrong call, and should have known better as she headed into a weepy meltdown.  My attempts to de-escalate with her always backfire in some way.  For someone who is very quick to reprimand anyone she thinks is raising their voice, she seems entirely oblivious to when she is doing it and treats anyone accusing her of it as some sort of attack.  Because of course returning a less angry version of her own behaviour makes me some sort of vile monster.  It is awkward and led to lying awake torn between feeling guilty and being very annoyed at feeling guilty considering the shit she has pulled out of me that I am just supposed to ignore and treat as perfectly fine.  I mean, this is the woman who told me I that I had no reason to live and should kill myself, but also declared that my rolling my eyes in exasperation at her was an unforgivable act of violence against her life.

I get complicated and is sometimes very hard to care.

I know it is an ASD thing, she can't help a lot of it.  But that doesn't make it any easier.

Only children are the luckiest.  Up there with orphans.

Yesterday I played some Cyberpunk 2077 until I got too angry at all the crashes (and a couple of BSODs) and gave up on it and trying playing a bit of Baldur's Gate: Enhanced Edition.  It really draws attention to how old the game is, more than just playing the original version does.  I don't know that I have the patience to play it again.

And because I was feeling extra shaky and useless, I cut my hair.....

My attempts at a swept fringe led to the most middle-aged combover that ever combed over.

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So that happened.

Today I rebuilt my dropped Lego Disney castle.  Then rearrnaged clutter to make room for it as it was too tall for my coffee table and got in the way of the TV.

And my mother briefly visited to show off my flat to school friends of hers, and I suspect make herself seem like she is doing better as a parent.