Wagging family stuff, to still suffer too much family

On Friday night my dad got to town for weekend plans.  He arrived at my flat with my sister in tow while I was curled up playing Pokémon and feeling gross.  My sister without so much as a how do you do went into my spare room and started going through a new game I have that hadn't even been played yet.  Because while she constantly declares me unforgivable for violating made up rules in her head she absolutely refuses to acknowledge any kind of propriety.

Saturday I woke up far too sick to consider travelling to Tuatapere wedged in the back of my father's car for an overnighter with extended family for an uncle's birthday (I think it might have been his 60th).  Instead I mostly napped and wished my skull was a larger size as it was feeling far, far too small.

Sunday, middle of the day-ish, my father and sister turned up again and visited long enough to leave me extremely glad when they left.  My sister's habit of picking fights constantly and they playing the victim if anyone points out the behaviour (or gives any response to it at all, even agreeing with her just to shut her up sets her off) gets very exhausting.  The worrying part is that I genuinely can't tell if she knows she is doing it, or actually believes she is being 'picked on for no reason'.

Family is too much effort.  My family, anyway.

Last night I took my new boardgame to Carla and Ian's for its first play (also the first time I had stepped outside my building in 13 days).  It proved fun and I am less embarrassed by the kickstarter purchase.

Waking up from an afternoon nap so late it is basically a sleep, to the point that, as I throw together a quick dinner for my meds, I will be having my dinner meds and my "before bed, 2200" meds at the same time.

But counts as a victory for, though I feel dazed and a bit nauseated and have migraine pain like a heavy force trying to push my forehead back into my skull, I am in much less pain than I was when I realised my body was demanding that I nap.

Dating apps and my worst personal qualities

[CW: Oversharing no-one wants to read about my broken relationship with my own sexuality]

I have to stop being pressured into messing around with "mostly straight" guys who want a go with a guy.   Okay, is only the second time it has happened post-Shitlord, but it still feels far too much like a terrible failing that I end up dicking guys I really don't want to because they are persistent and pushy and act all sad about it.

That should not work.

It doesn't make me like them, it just makes me dislike them in a pitiful way.

And then out of awkwardness at how much they have put themselves out I have to fake being in to it.  And fake getting off, so they will leave, before just being left feeling dirty and gross and like I should maybe sandpaper my dick.

Because I am broken.

Then I was watching youtube and a channel I follow was talking about different types on the asexual spectrum and the interviewed asexual sounded too much like how I feel about things leaving me wondering if I was actually on that spectrum or if it is kind of bullshit.

My psychotherapist has been pretty clear that he thinks my general aversion to sex is trauma based, and will be reduced by better dealing with all the trauma that I am carrying around.

I am not sure how much I believe in trauma, it seems like an excuse for the fact I am a fail human.

Stop trying to steal the blame from me by giving reasonable explanations for why I am so shit.  Just hold it all against me already.

I need fewer unhealthy patterns.

My body is the enemy

The muscles of my shoulders and around my hips have been aching the last couple of days.  Like a did far too much at the gym sort of ache that is getting slowly worse, though for the best of my recollection I have done no exertion at all.

I also have strong points of pain in my face, some intermittent pins and needle in my lips and on the tip of my nose, and a bit of spasm/tremor of the extremities.

I am hoping this is because I am weaning off the pain/epilepsy meds I have been on for the last eight years.

I am not enjoyuing being me.

Also it seems to be making me ridiculously clumsy and I keep breaking stuff - like some unimportant parts of the stupidly expensive boardgame kickstarter I finally had arrive.  My US$290 of Call to Adventure versions by Brotherwise Games.

So beautiful and ought be fun to play.  Even if I broke the box and accidentally ripped one of the (mostly decorative) paper bits.  Because I am spaz.  Literally.  I am pretty sure muscle-spasming was a factor.

In lighter news, after 11 weeks and six days I finished the wholegrain study I was doing for the adorkable researcher from Otago's department of medicine.

So glad it is over.  Almost three months of poo-tastrophy.  I am hoping my microbiome isn't too upset about it and I can return to shitting more normally soon.