Earlier I realised I was crying and based on how wet I was had been crying without noticing for a while. This was a bit of a surprise as my mental health has been pretty reliably too good for random crying since I stopped having a Hungarian in my life. So I stopped and thought about what could be setting it off.
It wasn't emotional.
On thinking about what was up with me I realised I was in a lot of physical pain. I am too good at ignoring it.
I had sort of realised earlier in the day that I was migraine-y enough that my vision was being distorted. Reading a book and the text looking like it was under a layer of moving water. But, again, I am very practised at ignoring such things.
I may have got cocky with how fast I thought I could wean down my pain meds (to make sure I am off them by the time the neurology appointment rolls around - which will happen at some point). For the last several weeks my permanent headache has been joined by unpleasant facial pain: inward-pushing pressure pain around my checks and behind my nose; low throbbing of the eye sockets; and a squeezing sensation of the eye balls themselves (the old eyes too big for their sockets feeling).
Such fucking fun.
I am SO BLESSED.............
Writing about it leaves me wondering how living could possibly be good for my quality of life...
Anyway, when did I last write. Might have been two weeks to the day, which seems unlikely but evidence points that way.
The Thursday after that Oli came to visit at lunch time and then in the evening I went for dinner with Simon, Firmin and Joe. After which we watched something, but I am blanking on what it was. [edit on 9th Feb to say the movie was the 2022 Scream]
Since then I have only left the house for roleplaying things.
I did have a bunch of social plans for the long weekend but was feeling too awful to actually go to any of them. And was fairly glad that long weekendness had led to all the roleplaying being off too.
Being sickly is exhausting.
And I wish my house had junkfood.