The extra session my clinical psychologist called to discussed some things may have revealed that I was under sharing things that were relevant.  Possibly masking.

Still, came away feeling like I was assessed as somewhat undeserving.

No logical reason to think that.

But if I was coming at things logically, I mightn’t be trying to use NZ’s mental health system.

Also, got a rage haircut.  Not sure if I like it or not, but the barber pretty much didn’t talk at all, so that was a win.  Yay for immigrants and workplaces with limited English.

Me:  I just don’t like gay men touching me.  They’re gross.

Str8 psychodynamic psychotherapist:  This sounds like a trauma response, we need to examine this.

Gay clinical psychologist:  Seems fair, nothing to examine here.

Okay, I am unfairly positing this before we have a assessment session explicitly on trauma, but the “you’ve experienced trauma but you aren’t traumatised” line has come up on multiple occasions now.  And the very different reading of the same things from the last professional who was trying to decode my brain has me wondering which biases are where.

Maybe the psychotherapist was overcorrecting on his own innate homophobia.  Maybe the psychologist has just dated men enough to also have decided the touch of gay men is not worth it.

Maybe all the bias is mine in my interpretation of how they interpreted my interpretations….

That needs more layers.

The week has been a kick in the cheap

On Friday my change of internet provider rolled over.

It was slightly messy, because of course it was.  Mostly just for bad communication reasons.

And also my modem having an awful user interface, and refusing to let you see its manual unless it has internet access itself…..

And Orcon, like all internet providers, doesn’t seem to think it charges a month in advance when you leave the way it did when you signed up.  Knowing that people are too glad to be gone to fight.  Internet providers all being thriving companies, when it comes right down to it.

Then over the weekend the overheating issue my computer has had for a while moved up to being a constantly cooking itself problem forcing my to hire a professional (one at Firmin’s recommendation).  So my computer went away and came back slightly uglier with more fans and now no plumbing parts as the water cooling had blocked and replacement parts were going to take a while, be more expensive and are getting a reputation for being less reliable.

So spending all the disposable income that I don’t have….

Oh, and both my role playing games were off.  So I have been antisocial and haven’t left my flat since… maybe Wednesday.  I think Wednesday.

Fuck.  Just realised late afternoon that I had failed to have breakfast and thus failed to take my breakfast meds - too late to even bother taking most of then late now.

Haven’t done that in a very long time.  Haven’t missed my morning metformin in over a year (and that was from being not at home and unable to get to the pills).

Memories, likes the corners of my mind

Facebooks fucking memories feature started my day with a cheerful reminder that eight years ago was when Shitlord entangled his “best friend” into the blatant gaslighting of me (and, I guess also of me into the gaslighting of the guy he was calling his best friend).

The amount of dubious shit and obvious red flags I ignored because a nice guy was there seeing them and nodding along as if everything was fine....

Don’t trust other people’s friends 

Slaying the Spire

I have basically given the entire last week to the game Slay the Spire after it turned up on Apple Arcade (which I am still on trial membership for after buying my iPad).   Firmin has been evangelising the game for years so I went in with expectations.  It is ‘good’.

But I don’t think I enjoy it.

At least not enough for all the hours I have sunk into it.

I am not having fun.

Maybe my ability to have fun is broken.

Though I am somewhat enjoying reading TJ Klune’s In the Lives of Puppets, even if it is proven much more directly a reimagining of Pinocchio than I had anticipated.

Otherwise not a lot to say for me week.

Did feature the slightly horrific experience of choking on my meds on Monday morning, for the full physiological sympathetic panic response as I couldn’t breathe.  While my body was reacting to possibly dying my thought were just on the embarrassment of possibly dying in such a stupid way and while wearing cat themed boxer shorts I only own as a joke toward someone I used to date (who was possibly too blind to have got the joke).  My complete lack of concern about the dying part is maybe something I should talk to my therapist about - but effort.

And feeling vaguely weird about the last session for no real reason.   It was significantly spent talking about the session previous and my feeling judged by bits of paper and arithmetic.   Though he did point out I am more likely to get rejected for funding if my primary reason for needing it is deemed to be my chronic illness and thus outside ACC’s purview.  I don’t want to have to talk about my trauma.  I mean who does?  So there is that to look forward to. 

In fairness

I did actually talk about the therapy thing immediately after with some people.

I ranted about it at Simon.  Who pointed out that I am very good at tests, and giving the "correct" answer.  Here the correct answer being the one that will probably lead to ACC being able to weasel out of providing coverage for me.

But it has still left me in a pretty vile and anti-people mood ever since.

I had a weekend of repeat meals of slow cooker stew.  So much bambi and potato.  Delicious but overly repetitive  Being a poor who lives alone has downsides.

Otherwise... watched the new Witcher episodes and can kind of see why Henry Cavill left, quality seems to have slipped.  And I have been zoning out to a lot of Crash Course of things I have studied before.  Too far in my head to achieve much, so good time to watch education stuff I theoretically already know....

And twitter is making me angry.  Why is the world so awful.  NZ is being so misogynistic and racist, the media ripping into Maori women for behaviour treated as normal in white men.  America is just so America - stripping anti-discrimination laws over such a bullshit case.  Could they at least have used a case with a real incident instigating it?  United States of being dumb arses.

Therapy backfire

I have been in my head.

So in my head.

Results from the force answers questionnaires I had done at the previous therapy session declared that I have no underlying issues to speak of.

So I am actually just a vile malingerer who malingers and is wasting mental health resources (and society's resources in general) by thinking that I have the crazy.  So that is ‘good’ to know.

No trauma responses here.

Just a wasteful troll monster.

I fulfil all worse assumptions about beneficiaries made by National candidates during election cycles.  I exist solely to prove the most morally hollow MPs to be valid…..

Just a stupid bitch ruining everything, who should probably lose some weight.