Old and the world is awful

I got older.  I am half way to two fat ladies.  My birthday itself was mostly quite though I did go to town for lunch with roleplaying Claire and bought myself a little $7 birthday cake so I could take pictures of it for instagram afterwards…. Because priorities….

Main other event of the week was days eaten up by family things around my sister’s graduation.  She has finished uni and is a qualified teacher now.  I would feel sorry for the children, but she is endorsed for the younger ones and they are stupid enough to like her.

Days of her has reminded me that I can only deal with her in small doses.  Christmas will be exhausting.

Otherwise I was been being disappointed by humanity.  As the situation in Israel continues to be awful and the Israeli government continues to commit war crimes while the US hand waves them away as acceptable because genocide is forgivable if it is Israel doing it.  It makes me wonder if humanity deserves to exist.  By which I mean it makes me near certain that it doesn’t.

And so much of the media is trying so hard not to offend Israel that is underreports everything, or reports everything in openly racist ways that make Jewish suffering important and the massively larger Palestinian suffering a side thought, dehumanised and clinical.  Even New Zealand’s media is doing it, which is saddening.

And lets not even get started on the shitshow that is the current New Zealand government.  Christopher Luxor will be remembered as the Prime Minister who mainstreamed white supremacy in New Zealand culture, and it is starting to look like that is a legacy he is happy with rather than one he fell into by accident.

At the rate they are going, there will be quite the spike in crime coming to.  That is what comes from intentionally pushing the working poor into poverty.  I wouldn’t even be that surprised if we end up with civil unrest - something I had always thought of as an ‘other countries’ thing, not something that would ever happen here.  But the self righteous mediocre white men telling people why they should suffer so more money can be channeled to their rich friends seems like it is something that will eventually end badly, for everyone.

And ACC continues to be awful.  I am becoming very certain the system is set up to make to give up and stop trying to use it.

Reminded why I am single

I have not been up to a lot.

I am sure I have done something interesting enough to mention but it is slipping my mind.  Though the last couple of days have added some weirdness that seem noteworthy.

Before that I did do dinner out with Simon, Joe and Firmin on Friday at Black Sheep in Mosgiel, which was pleasant.  After which we watched Avatar: The Way of Water which was less pleasant a use of a Friday evening.  Some of the special effects were amazing, but others were less so.  And the story was mediocre and full of plot holes.  James Cameron is spending so much money, couldn't some of it be on writers - writers are fairly cheap in the scheme of things.

Anyway, the weirdness I was to write of.

Last night I went out for dinner.  Dragged out really.  On an organised by my mother family dinner with one of my best friends from primary school, who moved away when I was a kid and I had only talked to a few times as a teenager and then pretty much never again.  One of my childhood friends now being friends enough with my mother to be shouting her family to dinner out with his is weird.

His restaurant we were at was nice though.  I should probably be plugging it since he shouted me dinner, but being that I don't currently seem to have much in the way on New Zealand readers it wouldn't achieve much.  But if anyone reading this is from Dunedin, go eat at Biggies Pizza.  And no, I did not go for a 20 inch pizza.

Upside of the evening, I managed to be seated far enough away from my mother that I didn't have to speak to her much.  So my year of hardly having spoken to her continues so.  Who knew having nothing she wanted from me would be so useful a thing.

Today's weirdness was milder.

Coming home from an appointment in town I bumped into my most recent ex, the bus driver.  And was very quickly reminded why it was never very serious.  He is a nice enough guy, but he is a lot.  And he also told me he is now engaged, and that he met his current while dating me.  Part of me feels like I should have feelings about that, but I realised I don't.  I just feel a little sorry for the woman marrying him.  Though from the context of how they met she went in with more warning of what she was in for than I had had.

Also, fucking pansexual cliches.  Date me, then go marry a woman because heteronormativity is so much easier.

5am Nightmares are unhelpful

Being able to take a pretty photo of the dawn sky might seen nice, but I would rather not have been woken before 5am by a stupid nightmare.  Especially one that has content that probably would have counted a wet dream material to a less broken person.

Dream featured a booty call text from my most conventionally good looking ex.  My brains response, abject terror.

Probably a good sign that my sleeping brain is certain that Shitlord is threat and not an appealing prospect.  But I would still rather have been asleep.

Also, I do wonder if my therapy should have maybe focused more on abusive relationship, rather than entirely on the thing I was most sure was ACC-able (though also the thing I suspect is most as play for the fact I usually get either 3 or 4 on any given 5 signs you might be Ace list, in spite of the fact I am fairly confident that I'm regular and allo, just broken).

Getting hit on online and realised very quickly that the guy was really just interested in dating his way into some New Zealand residency.

People are the worst.

Then realised I can honestly say my last two serious relationships (as the bus driver was never a serious relationship) were both liars trying to secure citizenships (11 years ago the boring Wellingtonian trying to get Canadian-ness out of me and ditching me specifically because he found out it wasn't going to work well; and then Shitlord who technically didn't use our relationship for it but I am pretty certain was running me as a backup in case the fraudulent relationship visa he was using blew up).

People....

I should just give up forever.

Particularly as I am becoming more and more certain that I am not that keen on people, just anxious about dying alone.

And the at-least-in-the-right-country-and-seems-an-actually-nice-guy I have been trying to chat up over the last month-ish, I seem to have been friendzoned by.  Which is only to be expected.

Oh, and I see November has finished, thus NaNoWriMo has finished.  And I only really did a proper NaNoWriMo-ing on the first day... so that was an absolute fail.  But I have notes and a novel idea.  So maybe I will pick at it as time goes on and have a draft sucky novel eventually.

That is what I bought the iPad with the keyboard for.