Old and the world is awful

I got older.  I am half way to two fat ladies.  My birthday itself was mostly quite though I did go to town for lunch with roleplaying Claire and bought myself a little $7 birthday cake so I could take pictures of it for instagram afterwards…. Because priorities….

Main other event of the week was days eaten up by family things around my sister’s graduation.  She has finished uni and is a qualified teacher now.  I would feel sorry for the children, but she is endorsed for the younger ones and they are stupid enough to like her.

Days of her has reminded me that I can only deal with her in small doses.  Christmas will be exhausting.

Otherwise I was been being disappointed by humanity.  As the situation in Israel continues to be awful and the Israeli government continues to commit war crimes while the US hand waves them away as acceptable because genocide is forgivable if it is Israel doing it.  It makes me wonder if humanity deserves to exist.  By which I mean it makes me near certain that it doesn’t.

And so much of the media is trying so hard not to offend Israel that is underreports everything, or reports everything in openly racist ways that make Jewish suffering important and the massively larger Palestinian suffering a side thought, dehumanised and clinical.  Even New Zealand’s media is doing it, which is saddening.

And lets not even get started on the shitshow that is the current New Zealand government.  Christopher Luxor will be remembered as the Prime Minister who mainstreamed white supremacy in New Zealand culture, and it is starting to look like that is a legacy he is happy with rather than one he fell into by accident.

At the rate they are going, there will be quite the spike in crime coming to.  That is what comes from intentionally pushing the working poor into poverty.  I wouldn’t even be that surprised if we end up with civil unrest - something I had always thought of as an ‘other countries’ thing, not something that would ever happen here.  But the self righteous mediocre white men telling people why they should suffer so more money can be channeled to their rich friends seems like it is something that will eventually end badly, for everyone.

And ACC continues to be awful.  I am becoming very certain the system is set up to make to give up and stop trying to use it.

Reminded why I am single

I have not been up to a lot.

I am sure I have done something interesting enough to mention but it is slipping my mind.  Though the last couple of days have added some weirdness that seem noteworthy.

Before that I did do dinner out with Simon, Joe and Firmin on Friday at Black Sheep in Mosgiel, which was pleasant.  After which we watched Avatar: The Way of Water which was less pleasant a use of a Friday evening.  Some of the special effects were amazing, but others were less so.  And the story was mediocre and full of plot holes.  James Cameron is spending so much money, couldn't some of it be on writers - writers are fairly cheap in the scheme of things.

Anyway, the weirdness I was to write of.

Last night I went out for dinner.  Dragged out really.  On an organised by my mother family dinner with one of my best friends from primary school, who moved away when I was a kid and I had only talked to a few times as a teenager and then pretty much never again.  One of my childhood friends now being friends enough with my mother to be shouting her family to dinner out with his is weird.

His restaurant we were at was nice though.  I should probably be plugging it since he shouted me dinner, but being that I don't currently seem to have much in the way on New Zealand readers it wouldn't achieve much.  But if anyone reading this is from Dunedin, go eat at Biggies Pizza.  And no, I did not go for a 20 inch pizza.

Upside of the evening, I managed to be seated far enough away from my mother that I didn't have to speak to her much.  So my year of hardly having spoken to her continues so.  Who knew having nothing she wanted from me would be so useful a thing.

Today's weirdness was milder.

Coming home from an appointment in town I bumped into my most recent ex, the bus driver.  And was very quickly reminded why it was never very serious.  He is a nice enough guy, but he is a lot.  And he also told me he is now engaged, and that he met his current while dating me.  Part of me feels like I should have feelings about that, but I realised I don't.  I just feel a little sorry for the woman marrying him.  Though from the context of how they met she went in with more warning of what she was in for than I had had.

Also, fucking pansexual cliches.  Date me, then go marry a woman because heteronormativity is so much easier.

5am Nightmares are unhelpful

Being able to take a pretty photo of the dawn sky might seen nice, but I would rather not have been woken before 5am by a stupid nightmare.  Especially one that has content that probably would have counted a wet dream material to a less broken person.

Dream featured a booty call text from my most conventionally good looking ex.  My brains response, abject terror.

Probably a good sign that my sleeping brain is certain that Shitlord is threat and not an appealing prospect.  But I would still rather have been asleep.

Also, I do wonder if my therapy should have maybe focused more on abusive relationship, rather than entirely on the thing I was most sure was ACC-able (though also the thing I suspect is most as play for the fact I usually get either 3 or 4 on any given 5 signs you might be Ace list, in spite of the fact I am fairly confident that I'm regular and allo, just broken).

Getting hit on online and realised very quickly that the guy was really just interested in dating his way into some New Zealand residency.

People are the worst.

Then realised I can honestly say my last two serious relationships (as the bus driver was never a serious relationship) were both liars trying to secure citizenships (11 years ago the boring Wellingtonian trying to get Canadian-ness out of me and ditching me specifically because he found out it wasn't going to work well; and then Shitlord who technically didn't use our relationship for it but I am pretty certain was running me as a backup in case the fraudulent relationship visa he was using blew up).

People....

I should just give up forever.

Particularly as I am becoming more and more certain that I am not that keen on people, just anxious about dying alone.

And the at-least-in-the-right-country-and-seems-an-actually-nice-guy I have been trying to chat up over the last month-ish, I seem to have been friendzoned by.  Which is only to be expected.

Oh, and I see November has finished, thus NaNoWriMo has finished.  And I only really did a proper NaNoWriMo-ing on the first day... so that was an absolute fail.  But I have notes and a novel idea.  So maybe I will pick at it as time goes on and have a draft sucky novel eventually.

That is what I bought the iPad with the keyboard for.

Stress and anxiety and insomnia

I am not doing well.

Mostly for stupid life reasons.

Like trying to sort a review through ACC and having the staff member I have been working with give me the brush off as it not being anything to do with her and ever piece of advice I could fine, including the information she sent while fobbing me off, saying I had to do it through her.  Making the whole situation more stressful and unpleasant than it needs to me.

So emailing has had to be done.  Or get locked out from ACC funding I might be eligible for forever.

Annoying emailing where I feel like the bad guy as I am emailing about a thing to a person after they have already given the brush off to my earlier email.  And, thus, making me feeling like I am being a pushy Karen. 

 

Also had to be a similar Karenesque emailer to Brotherwise Games support.  I love their games but have terrible luck with the Australasian local redistributors for their kickstarters.  With the last one I didn't get my add-ons.  With the one I should have got this year I am yet to get anything at all.  Even for this part of the world if should have arrived several months ago, but someone on the support team in on it and at least my backerkit addons have been sent from the US.  It is just the main kickstarter game itself that I still have no sign that a copy is heading my way.

I came pretty close to just quietly accepting the loss and being bitter about it but not drawing attention with the company.  Because I am Kiwi and complaining to the actual source of the complaint makes me deeply uncomfortable.  Bad mouthing them behind their back forever but never mentioning the problem to their face seems far more socially acceptable......

I just find the whole thing uncomfortable and awkward.

Not helped by being tired.

In part, because I haven't been sleeping the best.

And, in part, because I was a bit rundown for a few days after getting a COVID vaccine booster on... I think it was the 15th.  As I realised I was a bit past due for it.  While it didn't affect me much it was a good reminder that my current pain meds have me only just in the range of functional.  It only takes a very small increase in illness and I become too sick to get basics done.  It is rather embarrassing.

Not having the best of times.

Haven't been playing computer games in a while.  All month really.  Migraininess that derailed my NaNoWriMo attempt never entirely cleared.  So have been limiting my screen time.  And listening to some terrible audiobooks.  Too much Seanan McGuire for one thing.  My eyes are just too readily linked to pain for gaming or binging TV.

Bill Bailey was seen, by me even

I have not been the wellest.

Migraine continues to kick the arse of my NaNoWriMo attempt, and my attempts to do much of anything else really.

On Tuesday I did, however have a very enjoyable evening out with Role-playing Claire and Jesse.  Dinner at Craft Bar & Kitchen (after all the places we had thought to go had been full - Dunedin had a lot on on Tuesday), then went to the town hall for the Bill Bailey show.

Turned out we had front row seats.

I was only metres from Bill Bailey.

Who is a very entertaining old weirdo, with a satisfyingly large amount of negative things to say about NZ's upcoming new Prime Minister.  The show was very good, the seats were great until the very end where they proved far too close to the strobe lights which I really don't think helped with the levels of migraine I have had since.

Also, quite weirdly, the week has featured multiple people trying quite earnestly to get one night stands out of me.  One of them even someone extremely good looking.
Almost has me wishing I was a less broken person who was more up for giving that sort of thing a chance.  Maybe a tumble would make me a bit less bitter.  But bitter I remain.  The touching new people factor being too off-putting.

This month has mostly been a lot of waste.  Haven't even been playing computer games as my eyes have been fairly screen averse so neither gaming much nor having done anything on my NaNoWriMo since the first (fairly successful) day.  Mostly just podcasts and audiobooks, and even then not paying the best attention.  Not sure why my brain is generating more pain than usual, but that slight increase is enough to render me fairly useless.

Weird upside though, the extra misery on the physical side seems to have brought relief from the run of my mood disorder dragging me down.  So swings and roundabouts.  Or maybe the therapy that seemed unhelpful was even more unhelpful than I had realised.  It is hard to tell which thing causes what.

Have also realised that I keep missing limited time Pokémon on Pokémon Violet because I haven't been playing and thus have been missing forever things I won't be able to catch later.  The limitedness make me kind of hate the game and regret having bought the DLC, and even sort of regret having bought the game at all.  Games should be there when you want to play them, and not chores that penalise you for not playing them on their schedule.  I have to learn to not give Nintendo any more of my money.

Oh, and yesterday The Wild Beyond the Witchlight campaign I was in reached the end.  After what must be about two years or very irregular play.  So Kevin the emo fairy-dhampir aberrant mind sorcerer is now retired, having grown from strictly non-combatant to someone who kept hunger of hadar running an extra couple of rounds just to make sure the enemies would stay down...

 Insomnia

After the sort of flashbacks that I had told my clinical psychologist that I don’t get, because I mostly don’t.  If I had them regularly, well I wouldn’t for long.  There is unpleasant and then there is a level of unpleasant at which point you start to wonder if the existence if your brain is really justified if it is doing that to itself.

Cold continues
Wrote a bit for my NaNoWriMo yesterday, if not enough, but today my head is all squishy and I am failing to write at all.
NaNoWriMo failure here I come already....

Head has too much snot and not enough thoughts

Last day before NaNoWriMo

 I still can't seem to throw off the end of this minor cold, and it has me ruined.

I spent most of the weekend hiding under my duvet listening to unholy amounts of the YouTube channel Todd in the Shadows.

Yesterday I watched the English supernatural comedy series Count Abdulla, went to the pool for some aquajogging and had some D&D in the evening.

Today, well behind the trend, I finally watched the first season of Elite on Netflix.  So many pretty Spanish people.

Otherwise, just still producing comical amounts of snot.  And failing to do prep for NaNoWriMo.

I had such good intentions.

I joined Bluesky last week

Even posted with some identifying personal information, just being me.

 

Too lazy for secret identities in my old age.  And starting it up with advertising my failed attempt at NaNoWriMo so it encourages me to actually try again this year.

Is nicer than X/Twitter but so far less content.  And about three quarters of my feed in Neil Gaiman.

Otherwise just slowly recovering for that cold.

Abs still pretty sore, and sitting up is still problematic.  Cough has mostly stopped though.  Mostly.

Have heard from others that cold fitting the same symptoms has been going around town for the last month or two, and seems to be linked to a bit of younger people getting some mild pneumonia - so have to try to avoid that one.  Being that I have already proven prone to it.