31 May 1999

I had classes this morning, then I went shopping. I found somewhere that has really cheap satin-acetate roses, though I didn't buy any. I did buy some video tapes as i owe some to my grandfather. And i bought issue one of the new "NOVA the human rocket" series. Then I bought a sailor moon book and a notebook (though the notebook is for my brother).
I'm still unhappy, but retail therapy helps a little.
My theatre lecture that I just got home from (as it is now evening, as apposed to early afternoon when i wrote the bit above) was interesting, and has me a tad worried about the exam. I just posted my first third-voice message. An add for my web page in the geocities members log-on page.
I also got an email the explains what I am feeling. And I qoute:

> The following are from the Washington Post Style Invitational (a
> weekly
> contest for readers). The idea is to redefine words from the
> dictionary......

>   Flabbergasted-adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.

There were also a whole lot of other humorous word definitions, but that is the one that struck a chord.
Anyways....
Ummm, I can't think of anything much to say now. Except that I am feeling poor (yes i know it's coz I wasted money this morning) and flabbergasted (sorry, I just had to). Later.

30 May 1999

Well I went to Arc last night with some friends. Racael looked great in a belly dancing out fit she had borrowed. I danced till it closed at about three a.m. and then walked back with a couple of net friends and some other ppl they knew.
The night was fun, even if one of my friends gave me the "if you lost weight" line. And everyone I flirted with left completely ignored my existance. Actually the high point of the night was the slab of chocolate cake I had. Tragic, hah? I think i should just give up and except the fact that lust is a disease that causes intimacy, which in turn is just a way of manipulating false emotions, so in the end I can get hurt. Joy for life.
And there was something else i noticed last night. How important appearance is in circles of friends. Pretty ppl flock together and rejects like me are left at the fringes to feel pathetic. Life bites.
Now I get to go hate rehersals. bye.
I just got home from "Ka-Shue" and it was amazing. I am SO GLAD I went to it, as it is a beautiful play. Actually it was kinda inspired me to for a novel and reminded me I keep meaning to write "my" story as a play.
And if i was sounding depressed before it's just because my bead necklet spontaneous broke off my neck on friday night, scattering brown and black beads across the ground. That and the fact I'm fat and ugly and will be single forever. Night.

29 May 1999

I went to the passion comedy quest last night, it was GREAT. I went to support a friend John, who had the CHEESIEST set ever. It was great fun. But I voted for someone else, Keith, who was my next door when i was a lil kid. He was rather funny.
Anyway tonite I am going dancing at Arc. So i should go and try (though fail miserably) to look beautiful.

28 May 1999

Mother got a big bouquet of flowers yesterday from 4X0 after they rang her work on wednesday afternoon and pretended to be an indian man taking his computer apart with a screw driver to find where pac man was hidden. I wish I got flowers, for any reason, just so I could have gotten flowers. So I'll just go lose myself in dreams and whimsy.
I only had two lectures today :o).
Then after picking up my shirt from Opporunity Knox I went to see the lunchtime theatre "Cafe, Cafe" which was WEIRD *wiggly finger movement thingees*.
I so have to cut down on my sugar intake. Though I did eat a stick of raw celery before, and it was YUMMY. Then I followed it up with a Cadbury's Chunky Black Forest Bar :o).
I still haven't filled out my IR12. I think its prolly too late. Darn my laziness. I'm prolly going to end up in heck now, being tortured for eternity by some lesser dark lord. Or made to wear a kilt, or a flouro-pink jump suit *shivers in fear*.
I am supposed to go to a comedy show tonight as a pseudo-friend of mine is in it. But i lack ANY motivation. i'd rather go to "Ka-Shue" but I'll probably go to it on Sunday.
EEEEEEKKKK I'm talking to someone who went to Kaikorai Valley High School on ICQ, I am just full of pity for her.
Anyways I shall finish now, hugs and kisses, Buh-bye.

27 May 1999

Today started off a Thursday like any other Thursday. A warm autumn breeze blowing the leaves and a weather report for rain.
My classes were all pretty uneventful. I put a shirt on hold at OPPORTUNITY KNOX that I will pick up tomorrow. I had Krshna Conciousness food for lunch. After theatre studies I came home and threw together a site map thing as I am starting to make my web page more user friendly. So I'll start by putting it on this page. Then check it works. Then when I get home from tea at the neighbours I'll slowly add it to all my pages. Though that my take me some time. Later.

26 May 1999

I am SO TRAGIC. I have written in this thing everyday for ages. Do I have nothing better to do with my life? I so need to find someone!
i've just been hanging out washing so I won't end up in yesterdays predicament again, I had to wear my tight blue-black jeans, they make me look like a spud with pencils stuck in it.
I bought the rabbit a water bottle on the way home from chemistry, and i think she is scared of it. Which means I wasted perfectly good money on useless plastic :o(.
At the moment I am writing my web diary. And also looking a pics on a web site someone not un-goodlooking in my chem class directed me to.
I spent to much money on things I don't need, like chocolate.
Tina like her present, YAY, but it is nothing on the computer her parents gave her. Its a Packard-Bell, which I have nasty biases against that I caught from my high-school comp teacher, but seems an okay machine.
WOW. This is rather disjointed, even for me.
Later.
Well I got bored and did some web editing. So this is now the start of a new page.

25 May 1999

It was Tina's birthday today - I made her a red shiny gift, just what i thought she would want. I love putting presents together for people.
It was a good cheering up, i have been thinking about "could-have-beens" way too much lately. Especially someone how I was besotted with in seventh form, an exchange student who for some reason I still have feelings for. Talk about pathetic.
I also had my Chem202 Practical test today, and it actually worked they way it was meant to, even if I spilt some of the stuff and have no idea how much bromobenzene I used.
Anyways, I'm not being happy so i shall write no more. Today anyway.

24 May 1999

Grrrr, there is some woman on Sally Jessy complaining about being fat, she is only a size ten, and everyone is sorry for her coz she isn't a size three anymore. I hate people like that. I'm sitting here eating ice cream, feeling my thighs thicken and my belly expand, thinking of how small someones life must be if being a size ten was disgustingly fat. I pity then.
Well I think I'll go play with my Catz for a while, and then hang out washing.

23 May 1999

The ternty first i went to last night was fun-ish. I didn't know many people there and most of Shaun's friends are really scarey. I was also the only person there not getting drunk. As much fun as being sober around drunk people is,the conversation sucks.
Today consisted of Gang Show rehersals, joy for me. So later.

22 May 1999

I went to the Regent 24 hour book sale last night and bought lots of VINYL :o) YAY!!!!!!
Unfortunately I caught myself flirting with a friend of mine while I was looking for books, that and the fact i spent more time eyeing up people than books. I am SO TRAGIC.
Anyway I haven't done anything yet today so I'll leave it at that.
I just had Gang Show costume fitting, joy to the world. All of my costumes are VERY TIGHT. They would probably not look so bad if I lost 30 or 50 kilos, but are not good on me at the moment.
I SO have to lose weight. Being hugely fat is not a fun thing. I really need to score a whole lot of money and get Lyposuction. And have it done in some backwater country where they are allowed to purge my body of all it's adipose tissue.
Anyways I'm off to a friends 21st birthday party tonite, so hopefully there will be dancing, as I'm in the mood for dancing, I even danced along the street on the walk home from costuming. Later voyeuristic weird people.

21 May 1999

I had green eyes this morning. It's someting my mother does, when she is really angry her eyes look a lot greener. I knew I had inherited irises that change colour, but it is the first time someone other than me had noticed the colour change. though I am refusing to believe that they show my emotional state in any way at all. I'm not having people reading my by my pigments. I'm not a cuttle-fish.
I had lunch with Aaron (Not Tasha's Aaron, a different one) which was nice, we sat and made cheap shots about his flatmate.
I have to go around buying comic books as I have decided that is what my life is lacking. I know it is a waste of money, but if I could just stop spending so much on food I would be fine.
Anyway I shall head off to town now. Bye.

20 May 1999

I am ULTRA streesed out, and its not really over anything. I'm just not in a good way. I went to bed early last night between fresh linen sheets (which I still think is the best feeling in the world) and slept. Until three am when I woke having an angvioty (?spelling?) attack. And i couldn't get back to sleep. Then I had all the joy of doing a chem report and handing it in, even though I didn't really need to hand it in till next week, I just wanted it out of the way. Now I have to do an assignment on Romeo and Juliet and it SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I am being very snappish, I just caught myself threatening to break my little brothers fingers if he touch the computer. Which scares me, quite a lot. Well I'm off to see if I can find someone elses prescription drugs to take for my nerves.
Coz i'm too poor to buy drugs as i just paid Vishala all the money I owed him for text books ($60) :o(.

19 May 1999

Today was not good. I have no been single for five months :o(. Which changes me from plain tragic to piteous. I am also failing Chemistry, I had a report due today that i so didn't understand. It was like my brain had liquified run out into my ears and nasal cavities and then congealed. In the end, Keith, my lab supervisor felt sorry for me and told me i don't have to hand it in till next week.
So in short, i'm a fat, ugly, lonely and on the road to bitter-spinsterdom.

18 May 1999

Well today was fattening and expensive. I bought so much junk food - mythinks I may be depressed - and I bought a big book (also as a cheer up). The Complete Works of Bill. i needed some of the plays anyway and worked out it was cheaper just to buy the complete works.
I had a long lab for CHEM202, and I am SO glad it is over. Now I just have to do the report, then i'll never think about whatever type of reaction it was ever again.
That was my day. So I have nothing else to say.
Except to say thanks you to that annoying southlander Stew, who pointed out a typo in my web diary. i never re-read any of it so if there are typos and no-one tells me then they will never get fixed.
Okay, luv you all, buh-bye. oh wait, i feel like saying more.

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME

(Kahn-Schwandt-Andre) Stars shining bright above you Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you" Birds singin' in the sycamore tree Dream a little dream of me Say nighty-night and kiss me Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me While I'm alone and blue as can be Dream a little dream of me Stars fading but I linger on dear Still craving your kiss I'm longing to linger till dawn dear Just saying this Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you But in your dreams whatever they be Dream a little dream of me ------ piano ------ Stars fading but I linger on dear Still craving your kiss I'm longing to linger till dawn dear Just saying this Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you Sweet dreams that leave all worries far behind you But in your dreams whatever they be Dream a little dream of me


Okay, I did just do that out of boredom.
And I thought I'd mention that i have lost all respect for Graham, a guy in my chem labs. I used to have a little respect for him, till he said " 'sup? ". Admittedly in some american sub-cultures that is acceptable. But i'm afraid it is something i can't abide by. Especially from southlanders, who I'm already biased against anyway.
I just got my Ally McBeal soundtrack back of mum, who has had it since about new years-ish. But I got it with gift vouchers from my ex, so i didn't miss not hearing it. I am too sentimental and too soppy for my own good.
Well I'm actually saying bye for real now. Bye.

[Reupload note:  I have been avoiding correcting typos as a reupload.  Seeing that I thought I was correcting them at the time but it is still as awful as it is..... I was not careful with typing or attempts at spelling]

17 May 1999

A murder of crows, an unkindness of ravens, a descent of woodpeckers, a watch of nightingales, a siege of herons, a kettle of hawks, a horde of gnats, a business of ferrets, a gang of elk, a cowardice of curs, an army of caterpillars, an exultation of larks, a tiding of magpies and one of me.
There, since I haven't added any poetry to my writing section on here in yonks I'll just throw a little bit in here. :oÞ.
Well Today has been tres uneventful. Later.

16 May 1999

Last night I went to a party at Gan's, which was fun even if I was the only guy there and all but two of the girls were lesbians. It was a great chance to sit and talk about how great Lucy Lawless is, and about the whole Xena/Gabrialle relationship thingee.
Then I went dancing at Fuel's backbar with Debbie. it was great, though there was a drag act, and the queen picked on me. She tried to make me sing, and when I tried to get out of it she threatened me :o(. I had lots of fun dancing so it was all great.
When i finished dancing I walked home with Aaron and Vaughn and discovered the folly of eating wedges from Pizza-to-go-go right before trying to go to sleep at 4 in the morning.
Today I had gang show rehersals, JOY FOR ME. And I feel SO single because all the 18 years and older members of the cast were given invitations for themselves and a PARTNER to a pot luck dinner at the producers house. Like I'll have a partner, and even if i did manage it somehow it prolly wouldn't be someone i could take to a scout association function. Anyways I'm off to complain about how tragically single I am to everyone on IRC.

[Reupload note: I have zero memory of who Gan was - though context suggests it was one of the lesbians that I was friendly with through Bex]

15 May 1999

I am SO FAT. i had two super-thick shakes from the Rob Roy Dairy yesterday. I am on another depression binge, which is So not good for my waist line.
I went to "life is beautiful" last night. And this time I won't use irony, which Andrea scolded me for anyway. I'll just say there was a lot of dust in the theatre during the climax of the movie and I got some in my eyes.
Anyway it is now 2:24 on Saturday and I am only just out of bed. So I shall go breakfast and stuff.
PS. Has anyone else ever noticed how alluring it is when a norwegian uses their knowledge of french to read aloud italian movie credits. talk about a great accent blend. *drool*

14 May 1999

Dear Diary,
Chad from the track team like ask me to the like prom, it's like so like cool :oÞ
Actually I started today doing my engl assignment and got it in on time. Then after my two lectures I had lunch with Karen and Vishala. Then at one I went to the lunchtime theatre with Vishala. The play was called "Airport" and was very funny. It had dance sequences, incredible parody and Maggie Barry not only being worshipped but also performing miracles. then I did my Chem lab report on my marmite-like substance that was supposed to be a white powder. I think i failed this one. After handing it in I went shopping and bought myself some new shoes, coz my socks were showing through the souls in the old ones.
On the way home from town I looked at the sky above Opoho and there were the most beautiful lines of light and darker blue in it. It was like the sunrise in a cutsie cartoon, except that is was real and in the east at 5 in the evening.
Anyway I have email addresses to check. And being tragically single to do :oÞ. Later.

13 May 1999

I had a not bad day today. i started out being depressed so i wore colourful colours and had chocolate for breakfast. After that the day wasn't too bad. Theatre tutes are still fun, even if I'm doing horridly in the subject. The all you can eat Krshna Conciousness food is always good too. My english tutes are quite good too, and not just because my tutor is cute :oÞ Actually I have lost any attraction to my tutor, finding out someone has already bought tickets to five showings of StarWars Phantom Menace can really destroy their mystique :oÞ. My Theatre lecture was fun too, trashing hollywood movies :o).
Interesing thing happened, i was standing outside the castle lecture theatre flirting with one of my friends when one of my ex's friends gave me the evil-est look ever. i have no idea what I did to deserve it either. i didn't think the guy even knew me so maybe he was just being evil at everyone he walked past. or maybe I'm just evil-look deserving.
Anyways i have a cast function for gang show tonite. A team building all you can eat at Tull. I am going to be so sick. And I have a English assignment to do by tomorrow morning. Later.
I ate too much, i feel so sick. And it is now late and i haven't started my ENGL assignment that is due tomorrow MORNING. And I am WAY too bloated to thick now. I guess I'll have to rush it in the morning. But it is all my own fault for being a lazy bugger I guess. I should really go sleep. Bye.

12 May 1999

Someone should confiscate my eftpos card, or atleast fllow me around and hit my when I try to buy useless stuff. I spent another four dollars at Morning Glory today, and that was after having lunch at Khmer Satay with Peter. it is obviously all Peter's fault coz I never would have bought a blue bear pencil sharpner if he hadn't made me. I had a fun lunch with him though, so i guess I can eventually forgive. he's an alright sort for a southlander :oÞ. A Tuatapere southlander to boot.
I had an really long and boring chem lab, made bearable only by RachAel loving herself to pieces and making everyone around agree and by Kris practising Tiekwon... umm I don't know how to spell it, the martial arts-ish thing... between the laboratory benches.
My brother's Furby is being REALLY annoying, it woun't be quiet. GRRRRRRRRR.
I had the weirdest dream last night. I got sick and while I was in hospital they noticed I was getting a lump on my forehead. When it was scanned they found a huge brain tumor that had somehow removed the front of my skull to extend itself out of my forehead. And it was completely in-operable. then it kept growing and I kept needing to eat more until eventually i was stuck lying sideways with this huge thing attached to my forehead. Then it detached leaving a thin seven-pointed star-shaped scar of my forehead. After it detached it split to reveal a baby girl, who was named Athena (for quite obvious reasons) and grew up healthy and normal. Well not really normal she was freakishly bright and had started life knowing everything I know so her early learning built upon a fair chunk of useless knowledge. THE LESSON IN THIS DREAM: don't eat huge amounts of sugar at night. And that I have a screwed up little subconcious.
Anyways, i should go and start thinking about my ENGL assignment as I have plans tomorrow night and it is due on friday. Later.

11 May 1999

I have a MEGA sugar migraine, I just watched "The English Patient" in the red lecture theatre, with Tina. She keeped saying "i miss Rob" and I only just resisted the urge to slap her. That movie is not too bad, just WAY too long. Though I ate lollies the whole way through it.
I also spent WAY too much money today. i got a Sailor Moon clip-board and Sailor Moon post-its. A great way to blow money.
Anyway, tis late and I need sleep so buh-bye. PS. If you saw someone who looked like me around campus today with a pirates hat made from a page of the critic - it may have been me :oÞ.

10 May 1999

Scary thing. I actually spent a hour last night chatting to someone who seems quite nice on IRC. The fact that there was someone nice online was almost as scary as the fact there was someone my age online. And that they should be one and the same person, it lead to a great conversation about nothing in particular, though I really don't see it going anywhere, or even it leading to a second online chat.
Well this mornings classes were dull, I sat feeling all paranoid about my friends. i think it is still in the aftermath of "northanger abbey", I'm trying to work out which of my friends are Isabella Thorpes and which are Eleanor Tilneys or Mrs Allens. I think I should learn my lesson and stop reading. Or at least stop being so paranoid about my friends.
Anyway i'm off to see if geocities will let me change my username, and then I'm going to start my web pages new look.
Well the new look is underway, not finished yet, but well underway. And they let me change my username, though with the rewrite i should spend some time fixing up all the pages who novelty have worn off.
I just discovered one of the world little known pleasures. removing ingrown hairs with a pin. not pleasant at all. i can just pray that i never get another of those again. Tis horrid. :o(. Well I'm off to keep working on the site.

9 May 1999

Skin Tight is one of the greatest plays ever, it is definately one of the best i have ever seen. I am SO GLAD I went. It was so powerful. the girl i went with cried. though obviously I didn't, coz men don't cry. I would recommend everyone to go to it but it has finished now and the lead female actor has been signed by shortland street. It was just so great. it's the best spent $6.50 I ever spent. Even better than lego, just. I should listen to my theatre studies lecturer more often when he recommends a play.
Anyways I'm off to pick up stranger on IRC :oÞ.

8 May 1999

I got home at 4am from a party that did nothing but rub in how single I am. Then i had to hours sleep before doing my paper run. Then after a lil' TV watching I slept for about 10 till 2, so I'm not quite so tired anymore. After listening to the Aqua picture disk and discovering it has all of what should be on the double CDs on the one disc I now feel guilty for ripping them off. As opposed to yesterday when i felt they had ripped me off. But i'll survive.
Anyway I'm off to feel single.

7 May 1999

I finished my THEA101 essay this morning and handed it in before English. After English and Chem I had lunch with Karen and then talked to Midget for a while. then after visiting Nina I went to town and bought bubble-bath to give Mother for mother's day from Humphrey's Pharmacy Ltd.
Then i was in need of some retail therapy so i bought "Dusty in memphis" and "Aquarium". I can't affort either, but that doesn't matter.
I've also noticed I'm suffering depression again, i have diagnosed clinical depression and it seems to be playing up. i have lost all worry about passing my papers or even having enough money in my bank so things won't bounce. I'm also getting bad at telling fantasy from reality. I'm like Ally McBeal that way, I respond to things that I only imagine being there, though I only do it when i'm depressed. i might have to start organising seeing a shrink again. JOY.
Anyway i have CDs to listen too.
GRRRR, the dizzy wench at Echo put the wrong guts in one of the CD cases. The Aqua one was supposed to be the double Cd but it is two copies of the picture disc instead. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. And i can't find the receipt so it looks like I'm stuck with it :o(.

6 May 1999

I got my ENGL Chaucer test back today, I got 71% :o) Which is so much better than the fail I was expecting. Considering i never read the chaucer text.
I also got my Theatre Studies performance theory assignment back, which i got 65% for. I had hoped for better as i thought my short story was quite good, but obviously my justification essay was a little sub-standard.
Put with the high B average I'm getting in Chem this year isn't looking too bad so far. What a shame I suck at exams :o(.
I have started my essay that is due tomorrow though. I'm almost half way through it. though i'm not doing anymore tonite as i have a killer headache, so i'll just have to finish it tomorrow.
I also realised i have to start paying more attention to what my ENGL tutor is say, and less time taking in the view. i must admit if I had the chance to sleep with my ENGL tutor, weither it be for marks or just for fun, i would actually think about it, and maybe even do it. Well actually, i don't think i would if it was for mark, coz that is kind gross. But for fun I might :oþ. AND STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!!!!! What? You've never thought someone was totally shag-able? It's just kinda tragic that i like my tutor. if it was someone elses tutor it would be entirely different :oþ. But then I wouldn't have a chance with anyone that good looking :o(.
Anyway I am rambling, so G'Night.

5 May 1999

I have a 20% essay due on friday that I am yet to start. And it is now bed time. Which means tomorrow will be SO much fun. And I don't know the first thing about theatre studies critical comparison. I'm not going to be a happy chappy.
Anyways, thats all for now.

4 May 1999

After spending the WHOLE weekend either reading Northanger Abbey or at Gangshow practice I got up on Monday morning and wrote the essay on it. Three guesses who will fail. And i missed my first lecture for the day to get it finished. I am SO bad. It is the first lecture I have missed all year. And now i feel so guilty.
This morning I made a great card for a friends birthday, using a character from the comic QueerNation. Tasha loved it, which was all the mattered. And I am slowly getting quite good at the cartoon female form. I also made Tash a great present out of some satin-acetate roses, a jingle bell and a plastic potted plant. I feel like quite an artist (yes that was an invitation for you to laugh and point).
Then this afternoon I had an organic synthesis lab. Lets just say this, the desired product was a fine white powder, i got something the resembled marmite. Talk about not fair. As it had been going really well till the final recrystallization.
Now I am home working on my web page and watching Metro (which is terrible), I think I might have to borrow "The Princess Bride" off Bex and watch it again one day soon, coz I LOVE that movie.
Hmmmmm, I'm thinking maybe I should write an entry in my password protected encrypted word diary, i haven't written in it at all for months, and before i got the internet I used to write quite a lot in it. Though admittedly now i would probably shame myself out if i read it. i have a nasty feeling it is mainly just a list off all the many crushes I have had.
Anyways, I should go find something real to do, like a chem report. BTW: Northanger Abbey isn't actually that bad a book, the first 150 pages suck, but the last 50 almost make up for it.

1 May 1999

It is now 6:14 on saturday night, and I am 140/204ths of the way through Northanger Abbey, and I'm expected at a farewell tonight, so i'm off to read some more of it now and then try and finish it before gang show rehersals tomorrow, before returning home to write an essay. So now I am feeling considerable self-condemnation for my folly of not reading the novel before the essay was due. And in for a frightfully busy weekend of amazingly horrid activities.