End of the month I'm off to Wellington,
to present research I haven't done yet.
Human beings fashioning gods: this sin is inexcusable. It undermines religion by raising the scandalous possibility that gods (and by implication God himself) might be human constructs, rather than the other way around. Idolatry is an abomination, not in the first place because idolaters do not worship the proper God, but because their invention of a god might set believers thinking about the origins of their own.
3rd August 2004 - Invention of S. Stephen, Protomartyr.
Friday evening I went to Super Size Me at the film festival. Way to feel fat - especially as the guy sitting beside me was unnaturally skinny. That said it's good to know I still weight less than the average american. Amercians are so fat. This was also after Dot had fed me an insanely large vege pasta dinner.
Saturday, I mostly just stuffed around at home, enjoying the sensation of having beaten Morrowind and doing the side quests I'd left out and beginning in to the expansion packs. And in the evening, Fluffy came around for a few hours.
Sunday, again was quiet. Pretty much the high point was going to my grandparents for dinner.
Yesterday I did some time in the office, went to lunch with Dot, then went to Anatomy of Hell. I ended up sitting with Katie - who seemed much less grossed out by the film than I did. turns out I'm entirely not man enough for french art-porn. Just porn is fine, but the french art side of it made it a bit too intense and gross. Then last nigth I bought plane tickets online, it's a bit exciting, I've not left the south island since I was a kid - it's my first real trip as an adult (at the embarrasingly old age of 24).
I should be being productive, but instead I'm sitting around in my pjs watching the american version of The Ring. I should have saved myself for the japanese.
Anyway, I should off. Todays Quote is from p.217 of Ad Putter's An Introduction to the Gawain-Poet. (London: Longman Medieval and Renaissance Library, 1996).
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4th August 2004.
Bad point about Monday - my bank account shrivelled by $500. Not fun.
Yesterday I went in to the office after somehow missing the end of The Ring, it was on, but I got bored and now have only a fuzzy idea as to how it ended. Day was pretty average, I finally finished Putter's An Introduction to the Gawain-Poet, chatted to some other post-grads (one of whom I think I might be hitting on, and if not I atleast get stupid around), and got very grumpy trying to read some Caxton (which was entirely without glosses and horrible to read). The day was also made weird as chunks of both the morning and evening went to a strnage conversation with my ex (who I really need to get over - the friendship is made awkward by my still bearing large affection).
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9th August 2004 - Romanus, Mart. Mem. only. Vigil.
Wednesday, I went to the office, I achieved only a little.
Thursday I finally got sick of waiting for the CD to fix my office 'puter, so I went to Si's office and got one (something I should have done two months ago - except I was using the dead 'puter as an excuse to not do work) and about half an hour later I had a fully functional computer once more. I was quite amazed and the efficacy of WinXP's ability to actually repair itself.
Friday, I went in and did some work when mid-afternoon I suddenly felt really tired and decided to go home, just as I was finishing packing up I was hit by a nasty headache, so I stumbled home and slept the afternoon away. It also ment that I missed Shaun on the Dead, which I had hoped to go to that night.
Saturday I spent being lazy and playing Morrowind whilst watching Farscape series II. Then just when I was about to make dinner, Fluffy turned up and took me to watch some Farscape with him, and Oli. It was an okay night, but by the time I got home I was tired and ended up skipping dinner.
Sunday morning I went to The Triplets of Belleville with Glen. It was good, almost redeems the french for Anatomy of Hell. Otherwise my day was pretty uneventful.
This morning I bet the werewolf mainplot of Bloodmoon, then headed in to varsity, had lunch with Dot and did some work toward my thesis.
And now it's late, and I think it's time I go sleep.
Cute Comic Strip about playing Morrowind. It's very nicely animated by someone who strikes me as a slightly insane MODer. (In fact the guy responsible for the Mog*Mod, explaining in part how it happened)
12th August 2004.
On Tuesday, Rachel popped her sprog. I went to visit it on Wednesday arvo. Samantha is a very red little baby. Cute though.
Not much else to say for my life. I'm currently being insanely grumpy because one of the girls in my office screamed at me today because my stomach was gurgling (I'd had too much lentil curry for lunch and my stomach was making a little noise, though it wasn't exactly loud). It's not like I had any control over the fact. And I already had a less than high opinion of her - now I just think she's an entirely self-involved bitch. And as much as I know this makes me a bad person, ever since I came home (as I was angry and didn't want to end up saying anything back incase it was rude) I've been thinking that if she ever chokes on anything on the office and is dying on the floor I'll politely tell her to keep the noise down and not disrupt my study... unlike some rude bitches, I wouldn't feel the need to scream about it when asking politely for someone to suddenly develop supernatural powers of bio-feedback in just as effective.
Okay, I'm a bad person and I'm getting all stupidly angry over something stupid - I just don't particularly like being screamed at for stupid reasons. And it's just as much my office as it is hers - for all she seems to think she's the queen of fucking sheeba.
Well, I'm off to be grumpy.
Rachel's Baby Album - There is a pic of me holding the baby in there.
17th August 2004 - Oct. of S. Laurence. Mem. only.
I'm an idiot. A complete and utter idiot.
I made a stupid joke to my ex and have now got and got all depressed about the reaction and the fact that I somehow convinced myself in a matter of seconds that my ex's sole requirement in a boyfriend is that he not be me.
I really have to stop doing this too myself.
I am SO stupid.
I'm fat and ugly and stupid. I should just move under a bridge and become a crazy hermit now and save the universe from having to drive me to it.
Anyway...
Friday, I spent in the office still being very grumpy at a certain woman in my office and kind of hoping the earth would open up and swallow her (I'm mature like that). On Friday evening I went to Meg's farewell, some time at The Governor's and then I discovered where Toast is. By the time we got to Toast everyone but me was drinking. So while it was nice, I was sober and tired and came home before 10. I'm such a sad old fart.
My weekend falls into the too unnoteworthy to say much about category. I mostly just sat around at home and did bugger all.
Monday was a snow day. I got up early and went up to Clifford Street to get a decent look at the city coated in snow. Then after a few hours warm inside listening to the insanely long cancellations on the radio, at about 11 I headed out to enjoy the sun and build a snowman that was taller than me. turned out that when you compact snow together it doesn't go as far as you think it will, and while I got him tall enough he was WAY too skinny. Ended up more of a snowpenis than a snowman. Anyway, it was a fun if unproductive day.
Today I went in to the office, did far too little work, got my hair cut (which was noticed by the one person in the office I quite wanted to notice it - which made for a little buzz of happy) and got grumbled at by the noise nazi again, this time for opening a plastic bag.
Anyway, I'm off. Stuff with my ex has got me in a mood. Almost feel like I might cry - which is stupid. If I do, I'll have to kill myself out of shame at being that stupid.
Perhaps I should just kill myself out of pity. Pity is a virtue, which means killing out of pity shouldn't be a sin, so I might not burn in the deepest pits of hell for all eternity.
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18th August 2004 - Agapitus, Mart. Mem. only.
What was I saying last night, I'm not going to become a hermit. I am becoming a hermit. I hardly ever leave the house. I'm already mostly crazy (as last night's entry will testify). It's not long now until I'm living under a bridge in self-imposed faithless monastitude, eating rats and miscellaneous river crud.
Until I waste away and day.
I could so with some wasting away.
Anyway, depressive rant over (for the moment).
It occurred to me a couple of hours ago, in that weird state when waking up is becoming an option but where dreaming still happens, that my social group has become much less friendly. In high school and the early stages of varsity I had a group of friends who were all huggy and extra friendly. Now days what few friends I have are all english and stand-off-ish. There's that whole thing about how people are supposed to have physical contact with other people however many times a day in order to maintain their well-being, well, I'm definately failing on that one. Though I'm not going to be such a git as to blame my crazy on that. My crazy is entirely its own. But it probably doesn't help.
And I have to stop promising to kill myself. It just gets my hopes up, but I always wimp out. Too useless to even kill myself, as sensible as it seems. Not like I'm doing any good in the world. Okay, I said I was stopping my depressive rant - so I'd better just bugger off and not say anything more.
Got checked out by my FormerBit on the way to varsity today, who hadn't recognised, with the hair cut, until afterward. It made me feel much better about the world. As much as my emotions can be very intense, they are also very changeable.
Otherwise not much to say for myself. I had lunch with Alana and Aaron. Did some work on my presentation (being that I leave in a week). Developed a hatred of Macs (stupid mac won't show my medieval characters right - grrr). Otherwise, not really that much to speak of.
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19th August 2004 - Magnus, Mart. Mem. only.
Today started well, I did some laundry and headed in to varsity at about 10 - much closer to my planned going in time that I've managed in the last week. On the way there a taller, bogan-er version of one of midget's friends chatted to me in the street (about the weather - I've got so used to strangers not talking to each otehr, that when it happens it now weird me out. What happened to Dunedin). I did some work on my presentation and went to Krshna lunch with Dot. After lunch I was reading a book on representations on the sexuality of Christ, when I heard this annoying high pitch noise. No-one else in the office seemed to notice it, so at first I thought it was just me going crazy. I quickly realised it was the screen I'd borrowed off Simon. So I ended up turning off the screen and just using my office 'puter as a giant mp3 player. The office computer gods obviously just plain don't like me. Now I not only have to pick up a second hand screen of my own for the 'puter, but I also owe Simon one. Later in the afternoon I picked up some interloaned books sent down from Auckland Uni. They have only been issued three times ever, and everytime it has been by interloan, which I find very funny, over the ten year period. Bede's Homilies in English.
About 4:30, after attempting to test the waters toward asking someone out and setting up a just-as-friend possibly lunch date for tomorrow instead (having wimped out), I headed home. Though I bumped into John and Eva downstairs in Burns and chatted to them for a while. Then I stopped at Lyall's to pick up blank CDs to copy something for him, and ended up chatting to him and his flatmate (whom I know from Latin) for about an hour before ending up going to Alana's for dinner. Weird how afternoons can play out.
Anyway, not much else to say for myself. Bye.
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21st August 2004.
I suck. I leave for the conference on Wednesday, and I'm entirely not sorted. My paper is still no entirely written, and I'm not hugely happy with what I have. I have no idea how I'm getting to the air port, or from wellington air port to the Bunce's. I have no idea what I have to pack. It's my first real trip as a adult (which should be something that happened years ago - 18 year olds are allowed to be panicky and stupid) and I'm starting to stress. And people who stress out annoy me a lot. I hate to be people that annoy me, it means I can't get away from said source of annoyance - this is bad.
I'm too stupid to be presenting. I'm basically just doing a lit review - as bugger all of the ideas are my own, I've just mixed good bits of other peoples stuff.
And basketball is much less fun to watch than women's diving. Diving is so cool, artistic like. Basketball is just sport.
And I'm eating uber-fat-making food. Already had a cadbury king size today, and have now ripped into a pack of chocolate chip biscuits. My doctor is not going to be happy with me. I'm such a fat bastard.
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22nd August 2004 - Oct. of S. Mary. Mem. of SS. Timothy and Symphorian.
Forgot to mention, the lunch thing I had planned. Didn't happen. I guess it's good I don't ask people out considering I can't even make new friends - trying for more than friends is plain stupid thinking. Especially as I knew from the start that friendship was the best possible outcome, and it seems I have even failed at that.
It's sunday evening and my paper still isn't written. I am so self-destructive like. Well, not so much self destructive as easily destracted and procrastinatey and stupid headed. Ok, my word count is probably long enough - it just needs tweaking to sound sane, and my powerpoint presentation still needs work.
And I still have no idea how I'm getting to the airport - I was hoping my grandparents would take me, but that didn't pan out. I have to look in to getting a shuttle tomorrow.
Plus, I'm panicking, which isn't helping get the paper written. Panicking is very time consuming. And I think panicking probably doesn't have the "k" in it - but I can't spell at the best of times, so I think I might just go panic at my paper some more.
25th August 2004.
Okay, my paper is written. I'm not happy with it, but my supervisor said nice things (though I think he is just shell shocked from my having done work) so I might be ok. I sent a copy of what I'm going to be saying to Glen, who was entirely confused - so maybe I'll be ok.... if it's making that little sense who'll know to say I'm wrong?
Anyway, I leave today, so it is a bit late to change things now. I shall finally be leaving the south island for a reason not scout association related. About bloody time.
I have everything I need on CD, on my website incase the CD dies, and on OHP transparencies incase all technology dies on me. Slightly paranoid (a quality I've mine which, yesterday, I was told wasn't endearing - craziness I say, paranoia is darn sexy).
I'm now almost as nervous about the flight as I am about the conference. So long as I don't throw up from nerves on the plane - then it should be fine.
I have almost everything worked out, except how I'm getting home from dunedin airport on the thursday afternoon I get back on. I may well txt people and ask for volunteers on the day (sure to make me popular....). Or look pitiful so stranger will feel sorry for me and give me a ride in o town.
Anyway, I should go keep getting stuff ready. Will write again on the 2nd (or later if I'm tired/busy/slack) and say how things went.
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