Crumbling

I am not handling this trip.  The intense negative emotional responses I am experiencing in relation to basically every stupid thing that is happening here is pretty unbearable.

I am getting used to the way that never getting a fucking moment to myself around my family is making me feel extremely lonely, in a way that being alone never has.  But I have been finding myself feeling genuine regret that I failed to die before this whole trip happened.  Even by my standards that is an unhealthy place for my mind to be.

I am just plain not doing OK.

And I have no idea what I can do about it.
I don’t have access to any of my coping mechanisms except food, and I have too much stress-nausea for food to help.


But at least I am keeping the travelblog all full of the fake cheerfulness. That is what matters, letting everyone who keeps telling me that I am having an amazing time believe that they are right. Because their comfort about something they only momentarily think about is the only thing that I exist for....