Disappointing

Back to hardly sleeping, shaking and being all acidy and gross.
Still, even after so little sleep, my first thought on waking was once again how disappointed I was to have not died in said sleep.
I am not saying I am going to kill myself, that would be a dick thing to do to all my friends.  Also it would be far too definitely a win for the Semi-Imaginary One.  And he has won far more from me than he deserves already.
I am just saying that a world in which I died of natural causes overnight would have been a better world for me that the one where I woke up again.

The not sleeping, shaking a bunch and acidiness is my own fault.  After sensibly hiding his pictures from myself I went back in, on purpose, to look again.   More layers of stuff I had been fighting for with no success for years, but now just happening for someone.

And why am I still bothering to call him the Semi-Imaginary One when it is now very clear he was never a super private person, he just didn't actually like me.  I should just be using his name, but to use it now seems like I am just going for petty vengeance.  I felt bad enough including the one photo we ever got, even though he said it was okay to put it on Facebook (though with suggestion not to tag him - another red flag that I failed to see).

Okay, I know he has been about as cagey and borderline dishonest with his supposed best friend here as he was with me - but some Facebook comments from friends of his made it pretty clear that some of his old people friends knew about the new guy and approve.  Which blows away any notion that he thought the holiday was going to be innocent.  But then the fact he lied and obfuscated about it so much had done that already anyway.

Why do I still feel like I love him, when the kind, decent, if a bit useless, blundering and withholding, guy that I love probably never existed?  Why do my feelings for a character still feel like they should apply to the liar that was playing it?
And why did I think so highly of someone that, even assuming they were who I thought they were, was never actually very good to me?

Also, why did he keep doubling down on how much we were sorting things even only days before what he must have known was going to be a very definite end to things?



[edit: later but still before breakfast]
I have been reading up on avoidant abuse, or emotional withholding.  Because a couple of my friends are pretty clear that was what was going on, and have been telling me as much for years, and the counsellor I saw on Wednesday implied it a little.
I was so sure that my friends were reading things that weren't there into the situation.  I would know if I was in an abusive relationship.

But the more I read, the more it was ticking all of the boxes.
I am such an idiot I didn't see it was happening even when people I deeply trust pointed it out to me.

'Think of it as a "dangling carrot" you'd never actually catch' sounds like the entire relationship I was in.  And I am pretty certain I was the only one in it, for all that his best friend thought it was enough of a thing that he had invited me for family Christmas.

Okay, must stop reading these articles now.  They are explain the last five years slightly too well.  And I really don't understand what he was getting out of it.  If his behaviour is already so demonstrably different with the new guy then it means it isn't just how he deals with people.  It seems to prove he was maliciously stringing me along almost the whole relationship. 



[edit: later enough that by now I should have had breakfast but haven't because so much stress nausea]
I went to see if there was an easy way to make it so Messenger stopped suggesting the new guy as someone who is online and who I might want to message - which is does because of that time he messaged me.  In mousing over him I saw the url/username-thingee for his Facebook includes both their names.
I was already feeling the need to vomit up my empty stomach.
That was not helpful.

It is only 0910 and today I have already posted more than any sane person should or would, ever.