Nomenclature

The label the Semi-Imaginary One is both frustrating to type and ceased to be appropriate.
As I am probably going to try to be friends with him, and still have a fair bit of ranting to do about stuff that has already happened, I think it is time to move to another nickname, this one suggested by my friends some time ago and which I have only recently realised was more apt than I have given it credit for.

From now on, I intend to refer to him as Shitlord -  until such a time as he proves worth of being called something nicer, or just by his actual name the way most people are.
Assuming that, when I properly talk to the counsellor about the relationship that was, I am not strongly advised against continued contact.

Class today was good at least.  Crimes of Medea.  Was kind of cool to see that the bit she is most famous for was a later alteration to her story.  Also, was nice to see that Madeline Miller novel I read is now applicable to the course and seems to have matched pretty closely the course text.

On the walk home I spiralled a bit thinking about how much of my life I have spent smashing myself against the rocks of emotionally unavailable guys who maybe liked me for a while but then just didn't tell me to go away properly.
At least my early 20s were spent doing it to someone who was open about how we'd never be a thing.  Shitlord kept lying so I would think things would be better if I kept trying.

Considering how much he was open about not explaining some things as he thought they would just hurt me, he said some really hurtful things he thought were fine.  Saying he used to mean all the we will grow old together, I want to spend my life with you stuff he said and then never let develop was weirdly painful.  And his refusal to say when it changed except in vague way that were confusing and possibly incompatible with each other.....

I was probably not ready.  The anxiety is less now, but I am so much more confused about what I want.  I so angry at myself for how quickly I forgave the power play making me sit around waiting.

I am about 54% confident that was accidental and just self-involved thoughtlessness, and not something he was even aware was happening.
But people suggesting that maybe he is a narcissist are making me more and more worried that I have fucked up in how much I assume the best of his general awfulness.