Sleepless

After waiting since 2pm, and even checking my mailbox just before ten when it first occurred to me that he might have snuck in and dropped them, he texted at 10.15pm to as he drove away to say he had done exactly that.
For some reason his being the one that got to choose if we saw each other really hurt.

Just as I was going to sleep he texted saying he really did want to talk.  At first I was, like, 'great, I will get some answers and closure' but then I noticed him wording and how he had specified it was because he wanted the talk and realised it is going to be theatre of him trying to convince me, and maybe also himself, that he wasn't a bad dude.

Actually, I am probably secondary to that too.  I suspect it is all about convincing himself he is much closer to the person he has been playing than the person his actions reveal him to be.

I say this as someone who woke in a rage just after 4am (and barely four hours sleep), angry and how dishonest he has proven to be and how I won't be ale to believe anything he tells me anyway.

I could not get back to sleep, trying to was just leading to thinking.  Which led to being so angry I was shaking.   Though pretty much any emotion has me shaking recently so it might not have been the anger.

So now I have got up to read a PDF I was sent by the counsellor that I saw about how to sleep.  Though it is basically just time to be up and accept another day of nowhere near enough sleep.