Like the previous, but with more flesh on it.

Today was weird.
Didn't sleep well because I was worried about the counselling session I had booked in for today.

I got up earlyish, had breakfast and started keeping the food diary I need for something tomorrow.  Then watched some TV until Midget finished with something she was doing and we went off hang out for a bit.  We had a drive, I had a rant about the discoveries of the weekend, and it was generally very nice.  Followed by lunch out at a cafe I had not been to (and hadn't been to the venue through probably multiple cafes in the space).  It was pretty good, though I realise it is going to make food matching for the next time I have to do the food diary thing much less of a thing that I will succeed at.

Then the counselling session.  I went in with a worry she would want to talk about things I didn't want to, but she was willing to skip over the thing I thought I had been referred for.  She is a specialist in counselling victims of relationship abuse and domestic violence, which was not exactly what I had assumed from what I had heard the day before but meant she was much more help than I expected.

I tried to explain how Shitlord has been a bit weird and evasive and kind of neglectful of me, and how I had projected extra weirdness on that to the point I was pretty much abusing myself.
She asked some pertinent questions, the sort that in answering them I surprised myself a lot.
I mean, I have spent more than a month complaining about how much he manipulated me - but she brought up things I had utterly missed but which she had correctly predicted from what she had heard.  Seems much of it was pretty textbook manipulation.
She was clear that I had not deserved the treatment he had given me, she declared him a 'dick' and that he was unworthy of the concern I still hold for him.
She was also careful to explain that most of it is very hard to see from the inside so I shouldn't be blaming myself (thought I still will, obviously) and that it didn't deserve it (though I will persist in suspecting that I did).

But all up she did a very good job of making me briefly feel like I didn't bring it all on myself through stupidity, gullibility and credulousness.

I wandered home, weirdly shaken up and anxious that I would bump into Shitlord in town, but I did not.  Fortunately.

His existence still has so much power over me.

And this evening I texted him to tell him he did not appear to have given me any STIs, but that he should really still go get himself tested.

He appears to be avoiding replying to me.  Not sure if it is revenge for my ignoring him for the better part of two weeks, or if there is an actual reason.
Probably better not knowing.

I think I need to cut him off entirely.  My sanity may need me to not have the ability to contact him when the mood unhelpfully strikes.


Made a dinner that was semi-healthy (mostly veges, but also meat and noodles) but not something I will have the ingredients to repeat.  I am going to be very bad at matching food on the days before all the days I do this study.
Am now fasting, so of course now I am super hungry.
Why did I sign up for science?