Humaning or not

I started a Skype call with a friend (Midget) last night at about 2200.  It went over four and a half hours.  It was amazing.
Left me feeling more like a human than I have in weeks.

Then I got up this morning because the lecturer wanted the lecture to be on zoom and live.  Only 15 members of the class (including me) were there.

I had not slept near enough so after my utterly pointless lecture for a class I am seriously considering dropping out of.  I have until tomorrow to decide.   Ages.....

Too hot to trot

Broken down a bit, via text message, on Simon last night.  Which was awkward and dumb.  All it achieved was making him feel more helpless, which isn't how to win friends.

And realised I was running a bit of a temperature.
Because my mild head cold symptoms needed to ass fever.  It is pretty much all the COVID symptoms but very mild at this stage.  I don't want to have to get tested, especially as there is no way I have been exposed to actual SARS-CoV-2.

Not okay

I have not been holding it together.
The knowledge that I am no longer sharing this blog makes it so much easier, but also more pointless, to be honest about this.

The weeks without human contact has done me no good.  My brain has been fixating on Shitlord again.  While I have carefully been maintaining my bubble and not even allowing my father within two metres when he drops stuff at my door.  But if Shitlord had tried to get into my bubble, I suspect I would have let him straight in.  Good thing we haven't communicated in months.

I was falling apart before my grandmother's death.  Days of worse migraine has pushed things over the edge.  And that migraine seems to be moving into an actual head cold.  How did I get a cold after weeks of zero human contact.
At this point it is a struggle to just not give up entirely.

WTF

The hits from Turkmenistan going back through old entries restarted almost immediately on unlocking this thing.
I guess it is going to stop being a blog and just be a private diary stored on a blog site for a while.

Ways to become even less motivated.

Head still being extra painful and fuzzy.  Have done nothing today.  Pretty sure I haven't even opened a game, have just been half watching The IT Crowd, which I have seen before anyway.

Then while eating my dinner of Wattie's instant Sweet and Sour Pork I checked the university site and got my marks back for the assignment I did over Easter.  I did pretty shit.
Is so heard to care about a paper enough to catch up on being almost four weeks behind in the lectures when I am only getting B-s for the assessments.

I guess it is time to de-private this thing and see if the Turkmenistani weirdness has stopped after a week away.

Was also the birthday of my grandmother, less than a week after she passed.
And my other grandmother is in hospital still, but recovering.  The worry that I was going to lose them both in the same week has passed.

Mushiness of the head

Have been only slightly more migraine-y than usual today but it seems to be what is responsible for the fact I have been pretty out of it and the whole day seems to have happened without my really taking anything in. or achieving anything.
It is weirdly like being very drunk, but without having drunk anything.

Maybe I can blame the fact I have spent the week working through a bag of "emos" (possibly the worst confectionery option I have bought since "heavenly mallows".... wait, they were in the same order.
Lockdown is warping my perception of time.

Forgot to title this in time so it has a long name in my list now.

After wagging my zoom tutorial on Wednesday, because no first year wants to watch the weird mature student cry, I have gone on to do basically nothing.

I finished watching Schitt's Creek (well, the five seasons on Netflix - resisting urge to VPN cheat so I can watch the rest by pretending to be in Canada).  Got updates about my Canadian grandmother (who is rudely being sick the same week the other one died.... old people!?!).  Finished Pillars of Eternity 2: Deadfire whilst watching the last few episodes of Critical Role's first campaign (and only got a bit weirded out by the same voices being in both).  And used far too many parentheses on this thing.

I did manage to get as far as washing and dressing yesterday.  And did some laundry.  But failed to go for a walk like I had meant to, or tidy my kitchen, or even do my dishes.

And had to look up how to moisturise eyelids as mine had started painfully cracking.  I know I generally suck at autumn and drying out like a mummy, but eyelids.  How are dry eyelids even a thing.
I am seriously rethinking this whole being middle aged thing.
Should have stopped at young......

And last night while chatting to foreigners on a dating app, because new friendly-acquaintances-in-foreign-countries-that-I-know-I-will-never-meet make for a good distraction, when an obvious romance scammer started messaging me.  Though the more he talked the more I don't think he is romance scamming.  For one thing his English is too good.  For another he is actually pleasant to chat with.  Not quite sure why someone who looks that much like an Instagram model is so keen on chatting with me.  I guess I may find out in time.  I suspect he may just be someone using stolen pics.

Who knows, I could get a serious long distance relationship with someone very far away.  Thus get the benefit of commitment (i.e. not having to pretend that I am trying to find someone or feel judged and unlovable for being alone) without any risk of having to get over my issues enough for making intimate physical contact with anyone....


Wait, no.  Blogging about it made me think about it so I google searched and found the Instagram the pics were all stolen from.  Ah well, should he start chatting again I shall entertain myself knowing he is catphishing.

Down to one.

After my grumbling about both my remaining grandparents being sickly, I am now down to only one grandparent to grumble about........

First thing of the morning was learning my grandmother had died overnight.  Less than a week after being moved to Ross Home for more medical care.  It kind of sucks, she was one of my favourite people on this stupid planet.

Also, nanny was like the only person in my family that I liked.

A month down.

Have now been without in person human interaction for a month.
I suspect I have gone a bit crazy, but it is not coming out in super obvious ways.  I mean all the weird shit I do is stuff I have done for years.

And I am SO far behind in class work but have no motivation to put effort in.  Depression spiralling may be winning over sensible thinking.

I have class in the morning, zoom tutorial, and I have done nothing of the readings and haven't watched an of the lectures since a week before the holidays.  I should be doing it now but all I have done all day is watch Schitt's Creek and receive some groceries Alana ordered for me.  Haven't even been feeling with it enough to play computer games.

Because Turkmenistan

I set this thing to private for a bit, which means I am actually just venting into the void and no real readers.  I mean, I probably was anyway.  But now it is certain.
I was just too weirded out by the hundreds of hits from Turkmenistan.

Otherwise have not done all that much of late.  Played some Pillars of Eternity 2: Deadfire, including a single combat that took over two hours......... reminding me why I hate games.

I went for a single walk wearing one of the new masks Alana bought for me.  It made breathing more difficult, which in turn made the walk a lot more exhausting.
I got home so exhausted that I could only move at half speed, couldn't run or charge, and had a –6 penalty to Strength and Dexterity.

And such bad eating that I pushed my morning blood sugar up by 3mmol/L.
I guess a diet of lolly cake and insane quantities of fizzy candy is bad for me.

Four weeks

I has been four weeks since Level 2 but me on lockdown.
Four weeks on no human contact.
Four weeks during which I have left the house.... only four times for short walks around the block.  Fuck, I really need to walk more.
I have not been to a shop of an sort.  I have not visited anyone or been visited, unless my father talking through the doorway as he drops stuff off once a week.

I may have gone crazy.

I have definitely gone uglier.  I am scaly and weird.  On my hands from overwashing and on my face for no reason I can determine.  But scales, like a reptile or a bird (which is really just a reptile that we are nicer about), of weird dry skin.

And after seven days I finished my lolly cake slab cake.

Hates Autumn

The changing weather, combined with all the hand washing, has led to my knuckles cracking open painfully.
Hopefully moisturising stops it getting much worse.

And WOW.  Whatever dodgy reason I am getting flooded by hits from Turkmenistan continues.  So many hits.
it is a good thing that my identity is worthless or I would have to assume it was a complicated AI based attempt to steal it.

And brushing my teeth for bed I discover I have toothache.  The tooth in question feels quite sharp edged, so I may have broken part of it.
Lock down is not the time for this.

Washed

I got up and washed and dressed like a human this morning, so I was ready for my 1030 counselling phone call.  Because Student Health checks that I am alive, less often but more thoroughly than AskOtago.
Then I went back to PJs and six hours later have no idea what I did with that time apart from listen to a little spotify, as Fiona Apple as a newish album I hadn't known about, and play a little Pokemon.  Otherwise time just seems to have evaporated on me.

I have been a bit glum this week, in part as I have been alone in my house for four weeks and in part because both of my grandmothers have had serious health complications and I am feeling extra helpless in all the ways one can be helpless.  Even if there wasn't lock down there would be nothing I could do to help either.
At least the older of my grandmothers looks like she will get through okayish, being she is out of hospital and home already.  The other grandmother has been sent to a new rest home as she is too far gone for the one she was in to manage her.  😕

Putting in half an arse

This morning I got up to finish the assignment, I worked on it unsuccessfully for a while last night but had otherwise been avoiding it since the extension came through on Good Friday.  I got angry at it fast and submitted it.  It was half-arsed and incomplete, but it vaguely seemed to be what was asked for.
I just don't care about doing well.

My junk food orders both arrived today.
I really don't like the lollies I accidentally included in both orders so will hopefully be able to give a kg of them away, and only have to hate myself through one kg of the stuff.
Mostly I am realising I just really don't like Rainbow confectionery's attempt at chocolate.  And I have over 4kg of it.....

Grouchiness

For some reason I woke up super grumpy today, and bacon on toast for breakfast didn't help as much as I might have hoped.

Have only been up a bit over an hour and have already nearly lost my shit at a preschooler on a videocall, for no real reason.  I just can't human today.

Outside happened

The weather got a bit nicer later in the day, so a bit after 1500, I went for a short walk to to Unity Park and back.

Then I came home and injured myself cutting a chunk off my slab of lolly cake.  A slab of lolly cake was not a sensible idea.
For dinner, I made chicken and mushroom 'burger' with chips.  I used up almost all my lettuce making it stupidly tall.

And I started playing Dishonored.  I am not sure I like it, but I keep playing.
I should be sleeping, I have that assignment to do tomorrow.  but am watching Critical Role episode 1x99.  So close to the hundredth.  Then only, I think, fifteen to go and I will get to start Campaign 2 and have some shared reference context with my nerd friends who skipped the first campaign and started with 2.

Easter Sunday is not a sunny day

I spent all yesterday achieving nothing but playing a bit of Pokemon Sword while I waited for my Kaan's delivery.

The delivery arrived first thing this morning, so I got to have bacon and eggs for Easter Sunday breakfast (along with mung beans that were looking pretty close to the point where they would turn and go brown).  Was a good breakfast, and followed by too much lolly cake.

The waiting for the delivery meant I didn't go for a walk yesterday when the weather was nice, and today the weather has turned far, far less nice.  The sky is leaking.

In happy other news, Countdown reconsidered my application and made me eligible to order there basics box.   I looked at what was in it and realised it was not for me unless things got very dire.  Too many things I don't use, or are straight out allergic to.  For a fat person, I am a surprisingly picky eater.

And I have yet to do any more work on my assignment.... because I am dumb.

Assignment day

It is Good Friday and I got up to do an assignment, but being me took a couple of hours to work up to it.  During which time I discovered Grindr is full of homos breaking lock-down and got very offended by it.  Suddenly found myself wishing there was a disease that was just killing the slutty homos for being a pack of arseholes - but then my brain caught up with my righteous indignation....
And then just as I got started the libraries e-resources stopped working.
So instead the day featured a bunch of stuffing around and a walk up to Montecillo park.
Around dinner time (broccoli soup from the slow cooker full that had failed to be ready for last night and which made a great lunch today but was beginning to taste like farts by tonight's dinner (stupid brassicas)).
So I did 2/3 of the assignment and my brain gave out.  But just as I was accepting I would miss the assignment the lecturer emailed extending the due date until Tuesday because of the library issues.

Slacking like a slacker and ordering like an orderer

Yesterday morning I rush did the little assignment due at 1100, and submitted it at 1055.  Right before my zoom based tutorial.
I do not like zoom tutorials.  I do not like strangers being let in my house, even if only being seen through my web cam.
Mostly I just strongly dislike having a webcam on.

Then I played some more Stellaris until I won a game as Inward Perfection shattered ring nerds.  That game gets so slow, I may need a better computer if I want to play it at a less frustratingly slow pace.

Today I have been making too many online impulse purchases.  Using up all my credit card on food stuffs.  Because my Veggie Boys delivery had come with some cash as they had run out of all the junk food I had ordered.  But at least lead to having plenty of fresh vege.

Otherwise today has been spent listening to an audio book and not starting the more substantial assignment I have due tomorrow.   I don't even know what the assignment is on.
An audiobook, some messing around in Pathfinder: Kingmaker and about an hour of video call that I was maybe too tired and grumpy to have been good to talk to on.

And I seem to have a cold.  Today has all been coughing and snot.  Because I obviously got a cold while on isolation.

Coupla calls

I had a semi early morning call from my counsellor.  Just to check I am surviving.  Was a nice chat, he is a good sort.

Then minutes later a nurse from my doctor's office rang me for a relatively long discussion of how my health is being managed in general.  I kept having answers that didn't fit the form she was following because of the joy of the poorly handled chronic health problems.

And then after that the daily call from AskOtago, where I conceded I have lost motivation and stopped doing much (or any) study.  I have two assignments due this week and do not know what either is on.  One is due at 11am tomorrow, will have to get up in the morning and pull finger.

An I got rejected for the Countdown Priority Assistance service, so I am not realistically going to have much chance of getting Cuntdown delivered groceries during lock down.  Which is irksome, especially as the reason they gave was nonsense.  I guess they have had too many sick people apply and have to be harsh cunts.  Will need to hunt and find other services, or keep making my dad leave stuff at my doorstep.

7.1

I must be mostly over that random cold, as my morning blood sugar is back down to 7.1 mmol (and so far as I can tell having an infection raises it more than my food choices do) in spite of my having eaten all of the carbs yesterday.  Yesterdays eating was all pies and hash brown sandwiches, because I am out of fresh greens so have ordered a vege delivery which will hopefully arrive today.  Veggie Boys was not clear on the delivery timetable.

Tiger King

I wish I did not watch Tiger King.  It has done little for my brain but make me even more certain that humanity deserves a real pandemic to come save the planet from us.

Otherwise my weekend has just been Stellaris and a walk around the hill.  During which I forgot to open Pokemon Go so got no credit for the distance walked.

Isolation is making me a bit more mental.  So that will be fun.

Finally

Just finished the game of Stellaris that is all I have done since Wednesday.  Will have to use a smaller map for the next one - so much new content I have still not tried.  The origins thing appeals to me, even if it is kind of cheap and lazy on the part of Paradox Games.

And still have no idea what is with the flood of Turkmenistan pageviews flooding this blog and in the last few weeks outdoing everyone else for the entire history of it.  My English is unpredictable and poorly proofed even when I am using it right.  My identity isn't worth stealing as all I am is poor.   So freaking poor.  And I really can't think what I ramble about that could be interesting to anyone.

 

It is weird.  This is just the recent hits.  And so far as I can tell nothing about those entries being opened over and over (and the page views are spread evenly over the week) is remotely interesting.

Orangey-yellow

So the night sweats didn't just stain my pillowcase, also the pillowcase protector and the pillow below that.  The pillow was the most orange of the lot.  I guess the pillowcase protector doesn't achieve much.

After writing my Wednesday entry in this i started playing some Stellaris.  Am still on the same game 48 hours later.  It gets very slow late game, my PC is not really up to the map size I chose.

On Thursday morning I slept through my alarm and two phone calls, but was then woken by the quick vibration of an email arriving (asking why I hadn't answered my phone). I guess the phone calls had done the lion's share of the work (stupid Aesop causing stupid idioms) and I managed to reply to the email quickly so still ended up getting a chat with my counsellor.  The joys of being high risk for more than just COVID and thus high on the list of people who need checked up on.

My dad dropped off some snacks, as when he texted asking if I needed anything from the shops my mind blanked and I forgot about the actual list stuck to my fridge.  So I ate a lot of grapes and some biscuits while I played Stellaris.

Today I rage cut my hair, I had been meaning to get in cut for weeks before that stopped being an option.  So I went back to the #4 over the top and #2 on back and sides that I always used to give myself.  I did a terrible job if it but still like it more than most of the hair I have had in recent years.  I spent too long letting someone else encourage me into having more hair than I really like.  It is nice to not have to feel bad about not being annoyed by my hair....  I really did bad things to my brain for the benefit of someone who probably didn't care either way.

Ignoring things too close

I outsided for the first time since 21st March.  The moment I stepped out the door I felt like I was a criminal, but it had been so long since I had left the building at all - the downside of having mailboxes in the foyer, less excuse to be under sky.

I crossed my street and went up the stairs.  It occurred to me that in the 12 years I have lived here I don't think I have ever gone to the end of that path - normally I'd turn off and head toward the shops up the hill.  Instead I stuck to the path to the end, by the rugby club, and swung left down through the cemetery.  Another place I don't think I have been in the 12 years I have lived across the road from it...

There were a lot of families doing essential tidying of graves that clearly had had no-one attend to them in years.  I guess people were looking for any excuse to justify bending the lockdown rules.

And I was short of breath and coughing and sweating like a fever sufferer.  Generally speaking, I was looking about as COVIDish as possible.  Because that is just how I roll anyway.

And I did the whole walk without touching anything until the door handle to get back into my building.


Next time I should probably walk the whole way around the block.  The hill would make it a bit of a substitute for exercise.