I had a panic spiral tonight. Realised it was happening when I noticed I was eating a bunch of feelings and had to back engineer from there. My psychotherapist is trying to get me to be better at naming my feelings - but it is still very much a work in progress.
It sort of makes sense, but there is stuff to catch up on for that.
I went to Central with Oli and his family. It was mostly good though his four year old did punch me in my freshly exposed and very tender throat. Twice.
Four year olds are arseholes. Which may be why I didn't actually feel as bad as I ought have been I accidentally caused his to faceplant from a height. It was an accident, but part of me thinks I might have done it on purpose if I was smart enough to realise how easily it could've been done. My tolerance was worn out.
I may also be a bad person.
The four year old also gave everyone germs.
So I got back on Monday and then didn't leave my flat for a week. First the sore throat, then the ocean of snot, and finally a cough that I still sort of have. I was bad and didn't get tested as other people from the weekend who came down with the same symptoms on the same timeline had been tested and were non-COVID.
On Sunday I had a guest. The invalid friend I mentioned meeting a couple of weeks earlier. This time the conversation headed in a slightly different direction. I still thought it was friend-building, but had just moved to 'flirty friends'. After he left he texted suggesting we get fish'n'chips some Tuesday - which seemed fine.
Monday, I left the house for the first time in a week to got to D&D. Carla picked me up and we got Japanese on the way. It was a good night, and I finally got a copy of More Purple More Better so that I can set up my character sheet for the game more effectively.
Tuesday morning it became clear that my new friend had meant this Tuesday. And I rolled with it. I did not bring it up at psychotherapy as it is exactly the approach to dating that my brainpoker is trying to train me out of. He would not approve of my going along with a date because I was told it was happening, rather than from some sort of certainly that I want to. The psych session ended up mostly feeling like being judged for allowing my health to reduce what I do with my life. There seemed a heavy implication he thought that I was simply using it as an excuse, possibly even faking it as an excuse. It left me slightly grouchy (though in fairness, it may have been more me looking for insult than what he was actually intending to say).
So Tuesday evening I got picked up and taken to Port Chalmers to buy takeaways. On the ride we discussed that his situation was complicated and he didn't want me to have any expectations - I mostly avoided pointing out that I didn't have any.
This was immediately followed by meeting his children, and his mother. And being introduced as someone he was dating - which seemed a big step from someone who until 20 minutes earlier I had had zero physical contact with, we'd not even shaken hands, And then after only a pretty innocent moment of him touching my thigh, I was being introduced to his family, and it became clear he expected me to sleep over.
And so followed a night of making out his in bedroom while his tween daughter was only a wall away.
He dropped me home in the morning, and I spent most of Wednesday napping and utterly failing to clean for my flat inspection.
Thursday morning - flat inspection. The only comment on my cleanliness was a positive one. Otherwise he just commended my view and my lego, and grumbled about how many of the flats had basic safely features incorrectly installed. By the power of Cook Brothers....... this building is slightly shit. In the afternoon, my date from Tuesday came around and I discovered he was now describing me to his friends and family as his boyfriend.
So I guess I have a boyfriend now.
And fortunately I have a week off from brainpoking, so I have time to think up a way to honestly describe the situation that will still imply I had exercised some agency or intention in it. Or I might get a slightly judgemental look.
My apparent boyfriend came around again this afternoon.
After he left I messaged to suggest things were moving a bit fast. So we obviously have plans for tomorrow.
And the fireworks going off remind me too late that I have gone yet another year without making Guy Fawkes plans.
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