19 April 1999

Today I received my first bank statement ever. I was told by the bank teller a couple of weeks back that I was getting them on a very regular basis and the statement itself claimed to be the forty-fourth one I've been sent. I just want to know who has all the rest of my bank statements. Anyway, this is a kinda pathetic start to a new diary page. But, hey, it isn't like anyne reads this anyway.
Oh, and I'm just about to come out to my mother. So hopefully that will go okay. *fingers crossed*. And if your sitting there going "come out about what" or just being offended that I haven't told you in some other way then sorry but I am kinda obvious. And it is getting around anyway so I'd prefer to tell as many ppl myself as possible instead of it getting to them through the rumour mill. Well I'm off to tell Mother and hope I survive at least long enough to call an ambulance.
Well I told her. And she told me I was making stupid choices and screwing up my life. But at least she didn't kick me out of the house. Though I did get a big lecture about how I would never be happy and how all my friends would turn away from me etc etc etc
Well, if my friends are that shallow then I don't want them in my life and I think most of my friends had worked it out anyway. And those that hadn't will be okay with it all really. I hope. Otherwise it looks like I'm just end up a lonely bitter old spinster. :o(
And for those of my friends who are finding out by reading this, I am really sorry I didn't tell you in person. but I'm a wimp and I suck at confrontation. As it is I've been shaking for the last hour (since I told Mother).
Please remember I am still the same person. I haven't changed, except now I'm not hiding myself quite as much. And I would like to point out I didn't choose this, I'm not trying to cop out on life, this isn't an easy road and it isn't one anyone would choose, it is just who I am. I can only hope that you'll see past it and realise that, sexuality aside, I'm still the same person I always was and I haven't changed. I'm still just big cuddly soft-hearted easily-manipulated simple-minded Matthew. It's just now you know that my ex is, well, male.
Anyways now I'm off to bed. With any luck I'll be able to sleep. night.