Wow, I'm failing varsity, I have no friends and my life sucks in general - but for once, I don't want to kill myself - I just want to be killed.
The velocity of time turns her voice into sugar water I'm on a concrete way The wind is blowing to the north-northwest It smells like sands of the southern island When a black cat crosses my path A woman in the moon is singing to the earth A woman in the moon is singing to the earth La la la, la la la la la la La la la, la la la la la la La la la, la la la la la la La la la, la la la la la la I'm riding on a camel that has big eyes The buildings are changing into coconut trees Little by little When a black cat crosses my path A woman in the moon is singing to the earth A woman in the moon is singing to the earth La la la, la la la la la la La la la, la la la la la la La la la, la la la la la la La la la, la la la la la la La la la, la la la la la la La la la, la la la la la la La la la, la la la la la la La la la, la la la la la la We are taking sugar water shower Shower
5th May 2002
Yesterday I was being such a dick, all worked up about stuff which has mostly proved to be entirely irrational in the light of this morning. I must be spending too much time around damn gay people (or possibly just Aaron - who, apart from the going for girls, is about the gayest person ever), drama-queen-ness seems to be rubbing off on me.
Anyway, chronology.
Okay, Monday, I headed off to meet the Midget, got there on time, and waited for over 20 minutes, and she didn't turn up, so I gave up in disgust and walked to the Gardens to try and get my bag, as the courier had come while I was in the shower and I had to pick it up from the Gardens post shop. I got there to be told that parcels can only be picked up in the afternoon, as they don't get them till after lunch. Joy. So I headed back into town, and cruised past the place I was supposed to meet Midget, exactly an hour after I was supposed to have met her, incase I had got the time wrong, and she still wasn't there. So I did some stuff in town, then went to Hare Krsna (that's how they are spelling it on their song board atm) lunch, stuffed around and headed to class. My Thea304 class was really depressing, this guy gave a detailed life history, and it was a total downer, that much bad stuff shouldn't happen to one person. I mean, if he was psychotically pious and virtuous, it could have made a Saint's life.
Tuesday, I tried to do translating, but I had a case of the nasty migraine that caused my to see lots of little moving points of light ever time I moved. And for some nutty reason, the tiny shapeless fast moving spots really reminded me of snails. Eventually most of Tuesday was lost to feeling crap and sleeping. Though I did go to mey one class, and just sat being miserable.
Wednesday, I still felt pretty crappy, but I guess that happens, my head was only throbbing though, so I could actualy vaguely do stuff, so long as it didn't require concentration. But then, I just didn't do anything. In the afternoon I went to my 471 class, and the one bit of eye candy in all my classes was there, so it brightened up my day a bit, even if the vid we watched, Oedipus Rex, wasn't big on the happiness front.
Thursday, I had my lab in the morning, still feeling pretty shoddy. Especially as I had got up in the morning to find my computer was possessed by a demon, it was just typing away by itself, and I was more than a little freaked. After a full virus scan and much panicking it turned out to just be an operating system bug. So I ended up slightly late to my lab, which added to the Harry Potter/Critic thing, gave them two reasons to harrase me. I think I may have even been kinda nasty to a student who kept not putting her safety glasses on. And it was mostly okay, but not entirely fun with the general level of crappiness I was feeling. Then I had a quick lunch, and tried to get some translating done before Beowulf, but it jut didn't work. Fortunately Greg took pity on me, and we had a class that wasn't on translating for once, and we talked about the manuscript. Then my hons meeting went okay, but Ian was being all worried about my health, so I must have looked almost as bad as I felt. In the evening I spent some time with Tina and Giffy, both of whom had flown in that day to graduate in the weekend.
Friday, i had my Chaucer class, which was fun, and handed in a note at the theatre department to cancel my meeting with Simon, as I hadn't written anything all week, with being sick, so didn't really have anything to talk to him about. After some shopping with Aaron to get stuff for Tash, I met up with my father. He wants me to be his next of kin now he has joined the navy, so if he dies in the call of duty, they ring me. Wahoo. He doesn't even have decent life insurance. Anyway, in the evening Aaron was being a dumb arse, so I spent the evening with him, we walked to Countdown in the rain, and then watched Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within on VCD.
Yesterday. I got up and stuffed about a bit in the morning trying to work out what I was doing for the day. And only actually got abou thalf the plans I had to organise organised. Then i headed in to head Wormgirl at the graduation parade. She is supposed to be in the USA by now, but I'm happy she isn't, as I got to see her again. There I managed to find Tina and Giffy, and get some photos so that when they are famous and I'm just some loser, I can prove I knew them. Then Worm and I watched the parade and walked it to the town hall. There I saw Si, who glared at me, and then walked off, and I got kind of grumpy about it - but it was just me being a dumb arse, as I found out later that he'd been trying to find people he was supposed to be looking after, and had tried to find me later. Anyway, me and Worm then headed to help my mother sift furniture out of the attic, since half the stuff in the house is now gone. And my grandparents were using it an an excuse to try and tidy stuff up a bit. Then we got dropped back at graduation, so we could watch the end of the ceremony, and meet up with Tina and Giffy for the post-graduation drinks and nibbles. And got a couple more photos. Then I came home to get hold of Tash for her 21st, and she said she'd ring back with the plan around 10. So after talking to Claire I kept the phoneline free - leaving me basically nothing to do that I wouldn't to be doing. So I ended up thinking. At 11, the almost two hours of thinking had rather got to me, so I had to head out, as I was in the loopy place. SO instead of waiting the extra ten minutes until when Tash actually rang, I wandered the streets. Just wandered, along almost to Arc, and then back to Willowbank, and then decided I needed to be around people, so went to Re-Feul, for about ten minutes, just long enough to find someone I knew, and then leave with her. So then I wandered with Sarelle, to Arc, to find they had already shut off and cleaned their coffee machines. We ended up buying chocolate soy ice cream, and going to her place, to eat and chat. It was really nice, and pretty much exactly what I needed. And not too long after 3:30 I got to bed, for the sleep thing, so I could get up at 8 and be annoyed at how crap sunday morning cartoons have got.
Once again I'm sitting waiting for Tash to ring, though it's only 55 minutes after when she said she would. So I think if Tina rings me first I'll go see her, and Tash will have to wait for her 21st presents a bit longer.
And I'm not going to get any homework done today. Oh well...
Today's quote is "Sugar Water" by Cibo Matto.
Top of the fold, toast of the town, everyone stops when you come around. They hold their breath for you. Heroes are born, idols are made. We're all fools for this factory fame and you've got the brand new face. You've got the brand new face, golden boy.
Beauty untamed, stupid and wild poster boy you're society's child. Cut your teeth, cut your mouth, cut it out. Meteor rise from obscurity, all it took was a killing spree and the whole world was lying at your feet, golden boy.
I know my place, stick to my lines, stay in your shadow, don't block your light so you can shine divine. So you can shine divine, golden boy
8th May 2002
Well, Sunday went okay. I stuffed around most of the day, though spent some of it with Tina, which made it all good. Then after tea with my grandmother, I came home and Tash visited. Yay for visitors. And it ment she got her presents.
Monday, I spent all morning working on my play for THEA304, so I could get a script onto a resonably easy to get to part of the site. Then my one class for the day, THEA304, went quite nicely. The girl presenting talked about how her play was dealing with Huntington's Disease. Everyone except me seems to be dealing with something, and I'm just writing Romantic Comedy. Darn it all. Everyone has somethign big to say except me. And even though I gave everyone the URL, I doubt anyone will actually read my script either. Monday evening I again worked on my play. I got a far bit done, as for once I wasn't feeling too sick.
Tuesday, I got up to do translating and felt like crap. My head was all gooey and gross. And I failed to translate much at all before heading in for the class. I got there and discovered I had big distortion patches in my field of vision and was really pushing it to read anything through them, which made the translating extra fun. Then after a drink and wedges at Re-Fuel, I came home to spend the afternoon sitting on my arse and wishing my head would implode. Until my flatmate came home, and we went to the supermarket for groceries. It was just as we were leaving that I discovered the next episode of Buffy (6.18) was online, so started the download before I left. The evening was wasted feeling grotty while curled up in front of the telly, the third to last Roswell and the second Beowulf episode of Xena. And Si convinced me I should probably see a doctor.
This morning, after having not slept, and only dozed a little, I watched my finally downloaded Buffy, and rang the doctor as soon as it opened. And after showering and watching "Tabula Rasa", I headed in to see the Doctor who delivered me into the world. Mainly as I lost all faith in Student Health already,and my Doctor is good, even if he is across the road from the Warehouse and Speights. Turns out the migraines are probably because my blood pressure lives at about 180/120, which isn't as high as mine has been, but appearantly it's high enough that it's doing bad things to me. So I've been put on Metoprolol. I really don't like the idea of taking pills, but atleast it isn't the brain tumour I was getting paranoid about. Then I picked up my prescription, did some work at varsity, and came home to relax a bit before ENGL471, which as usual, I had failed to do the readings for.
Anyway, I'm fasting so I can have a blood test in the morning, and it's making me grumpy. And I'm middle aged, I'm on blood pressure pills. Like my life didn't suck enough already. And a possible side effect of the pills, depression - like I need any more of that. Yay for my crappy life.
Today's quote is "Golden Boy" by Natalie Merchant.
Saber Rider.......... Saber Rider.........Star Sheriffs Saber Rider.........and the Star Sheriffs In the sky (Drums) Can you feel the thunder inside? Saber Rider......... Make the lightning crack as you ride! Saber Rider! (Guitar solo) (*whip crack*) (Guitar riff) Saber Rider Your destiny will lead you, To wherever people need you, No danger may have found you, You have your friends around you now, Now. Now! NOW! Saber Rider, and the Sheriffs! Saber Rider...... and the Star Sheriffs, OF THE SKY! Saber Ri-i-der!!!! (*whip crack*)
15th May 2002
Well, I've been slack.
I was grumpy as anything last Thursday morning, and then the vampires sucked six vials of blood out of my arm. Having not eaten or drunk a single thing since dinner the night before, I thought that was a little excessive. They aren't doing all that many tests. So then I bought cookies and ate them before my lab, so I wouldn't be too nasty at the first years. And yet, I was still rather unpleasant, especially to the pair who were playing silly buggers with the ice. But I wasn't too bad, until I ripped my favourite trousers, which I'd been wearing to cheer myself up, so then I was grumpier. Then I failed to do any work for my ENGL480, and went to chat with Ian about how little I'd done. Then came home and blobbed.
Friday, i was all prepared to give a talk on The Prioress's Tale, but we stayed talking about the Shipman's one for the whole lecture. Sex and Money makes a far better talk than Jew bashing anyway. Then I stuffed around until my THEA304 meeting, and then headed home and stuffed around for a while, before going to my mother's to babysit my brother for the evening.
Saturday, I was busy all day, but don't remember quite what I actually did. I tried to track down Giffy a few times, and finally managed to, so in the evening went out for drinks with her and her boy, and Nina and Paddy and a couple of scary roleplayers. It was quite nice, if possibly the last time I'll ever see Giffy. All my friends are leaving me. While at the Isis Bar, I also bumped into, and had a bit of a chat with my first crush, who has grown to be SO hot.
Sunday, I kept trying to do homework and not quite managing it much. So at about lunch time I went to deliver mum her mother's day present. And spent over three hours there talking to her, her ex is being a total wanker. Then I spent the evening once more failing to do homework, managing on a little translation and a little work on my play. And ended up dozing on the floor of the lounge, in my sleeping bag, watching trash sci-fi off video with my flatmate.
Monday, I worked on my play until it was time to go to the class and give a presentation on what I was doing in my play, what inspirations I was drawing from and a little bit of workshopping. It was pretty good, the class really helped me with a few bits, even if no-one had read my play online, after I'd carefully put it up. Then I ended up babysitting for my mother again.
Yesterday, I got up early to get some translating done, as I was behind, and I just can't translate fast enough. I'm finding it really hard and slow. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. So I went to the class, and found out that I my translation had not only taken me forever, but it was also a piece of crap. Go me. So after lunch with my classmate, I wandered home being all freakishly depressed, and thought I'd curl up in bed and watch the new Buffy (s6e19 - Seeing Red) and it was working for a while, and then it really didn't. I don't like Joss anymore, he is a meany head. And from then on I spent most of the day sulking and feeling like shite. And headachey, which was especially annoying, as the stupid pills I'm having to take everyday are supposed to be helping with that.
Today, I spent the morning trying to do ENGL471 readings, and just getting sidetract by NetHack, so I went to varsity to do it in the library. And that didn't work either, as people kept talking to me, but I got it done eventually, and even tried to start doing some translation work. But as usually I got nowhere with it. Then went to 471, and paid more attention to my one cute classmate than to the lecturer, as Dr Nick wasn't having one of his more interesting days - but that might just be due to my complete lack of interest in Alexander Pope. And now I'm sitting at home, with a nasty case of the sneezes, panicking about how much work I have to get done and can't realistically do, and thinking how just plain killing myself could solve SO many problems, and Si doesn't feel like talking tonight, and the only other people I feel comfortable to talk about the sort of stuff I want to attempt and then fail to talk about are either overly busy or have skipped town on me. I want my Tina back, she was never too busy when I was being all useless and crappy.
I've done no work on my ENGL480 all week, and Ian is going to be so peeved at me.
And my translation is going to be way behind, coz I just can't do it.
And I'm tired and sick and sleepy and hating myself.
And I have the sneezes.
And the only personal email I got recently was a nasty one from a complete stranger telling me to get over myself. Wahoo.
I should just go, curl up under something, and die.
Today's quote is the theme song from Saber Rider and the Star Sheriffs.
Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new Worry, why do I let myself worry? Wond'ring what in the world did I do? Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying And I'm crazy for loving you Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying And I'm crazy for loving you.
19th May 2002
Well, Thursday went vaguely okay-ish. My lab was horrible, it was on Galvanic cells, which I have never understood at all. The students were being mean too, one girl went all PMS at me about how I was helping the other table more than I was helping hers. And one prat of a guy, whom I'd vaguely like to see drawn and quartered, drew on my lab coat. Then after a slightly rushed lunch - that wasn't the Hare Krishna one I should have been having - I did some rushed translation in the library before my Beowulf class. I was SO behind, and still am, JOY. Then a rather pleasant meeting with Ian, who is being very forgiving of how not well I've been doing at getting work done. And then home to a quiet evening of homework and vege satay.
Friday I was late to Chaucer, though only a couple of minutes, though it was bad as I was presenting to tale we were working on. The Prioress kicks arse. Though we got rather stuck on the Jewish issue and if the tale was especially heavy on the anti-Semitism, or if that was just part of the culture it was written in, or an instrument for the story. So we didn't get on to a bit of the other stuff. And the whole two hours was spent on it, so Sir Thopas as been postponed till next week. Then after English department morning tea, I went through town to get my blood test results back. The queue at the book sale was huge when I went past, but my cousin Breffni was standing outside in a Gandalf costume, so I had to stop and mock her. Anyway, I went and got my results, turns out I'm perfectly healthy blood-wise, except I have very low HDL cholesterol, though I still have a good lipid ratio, as all my lipids are pretty low (they're too busy being adipose tissue and making me look like a big bucket of lard). So then I headed back to varsity, and ended up having lunch with Aaron and Tim, and Tim paid for me, so all was good in the state of Matthew. Then I picked up my first ever interloan, The Sarum Missal. Then I had a long meeting with Simon O'Connor, and realised I have a LOT of work to do on my play in the next week. Like give it an actual plot. And an ending. As it's due in its final form in under two weeks. I should really be working on it instead of writing this. Anyway, after tea and lots of stuffing around I went to the booksale, getting there not long after 10pm, and I stayed about four hours, without buying a single thing. I kept bumping into old friends and spent the whole time being all social, infact, my social bar was right up in the green again... wait... I'm not a Sim, I don't have a social bar...
Anyway, 2am-ish I head to Countdown and get oddfellows and fruit juice for the walk home, and go home and sleep for about five hours, before getting up, watching Zeta Project, showering and returning to the booksale. This time I actually found a couple of books, and a pile of records. And then at noon, when it was closing up, I wandered over to Si's for a quick visit to put off homework with. And had a very nice visit, that lasted about three times as long as I'd planned, before returning home to homework. And to find Buffy 6.20 online. YAY. SO I did some work while Buffy downloaded, and then got myself all grumbly because Si was upset about something, and never talks about anything, so I assumed I'd done something that'd hurt him in some way (because I'm a nastily arrogant self-centred male who assumes that when his friends are upset and don't talk about it, that it's his fault). And had a vaguely grumpy early night, after watching the pilot of Enterprise and thinking there was no way that its tech was that much more primative than Original Series, as it looks so much prettier.
Today, well, I did some work, watched some Buffy, did some being paranoid, had a visit from Tash to get Buffy, went to my Grandfather's for his birthday dinner and that's about it. Buffy 6.20 is SO good. And it's late and I'm tired, so that's probably all I have to say.
Today's quote is "Crazy" by Willie Nelson and made famous by Patsy Cline.
Scatterbrain You've been crying in the rain You've been drowning in your pain Ain't gonna die Do the right thing Win or lose Don't confuse Wednesday's child Pa-pa-pa-pa pa pa-pa-paa Pa-pa-pa-pa pa pa-pa-paaa Pa pa-pa-pa pa pa-pa-paa Pa-pa-pa-pa pa pa-pa-paaa Walk on by me Don't deny me Anytime Scatterbrain You've been crying in the rain (crying in the rain) You've been drowning in your pain (drowning in your pain) Ain't gonna die Do the right thing Win or lose Don't confuse Wednesday's child
22nd May 2002
I'm having one of those nobody like me, I have no friends and I should just go and die somewhere moments (read "days" or could possibly even be heading into "weeks").
Well, I spent the last few days being paranoid that I've done something to screw up my friendship with Si, as things have been weird since Saturday (as I was being paranoid about last entry). It's entirely possible he's just been busy, but I've been taking everything overly personal lately, and I don't want to lose him as a friend. I don't have enough friends to lose any, especially not Si, he's special, he's one of the few people in the world I even vaguely trust.
Anyway, Monday. I worked on my play a bit. Stuffed around. Went to class. And that was mostly it. Except for the dinner at Alana's, which was all good, filled me full of yummy free chinese food. And then Aaron came around to watch some Buffy.
Yesterday. I spent the morning translating, then after some time at varsity, I headed home, and worked on my play some more. It's due next week, and as yet still doesn't have an ending. Then I watched TV in the evening, and got rather worked up over something, though I don't remember what, just that I was very unhappy for a while there, before I headed off to bed.
Today. I worked on my play until it was time for ENGL471, which wasn't too bad - Dr Nick is sick of us all staring blankly at him, so the second half of the course is going to be on something else. Which should be weird. I have to admit, I was actually looking forward to one or two of the planned lectures, but hopefully the new schedule will be fun. Unless it explodes and kills us all.
Anyway, general overview of my life at the moment. I'm stressing out over how crap my play is. And I'm depressed. And the only person online is Si, and he isn't being quite as talkative as I'd like. I'm craving people, and yet there are none to be found. I'm actually kind of tempted to ring Aaron and make him visit, but I've already made him visit this week. I need conversation. And I can't even ring Midget, as she is on stage being all musical.
Go the friendless wonder.
Well, I'd just finished writing, and was shutting the window, and Si started talking. Proving I was just being paranoid. Me=freak. I really have to stop being such a self-centred jerk. I don't deserve the friends I have (which is probably why I'm always paranoid that none of them like me, they're all too good for me).
Today's quote is "Wednesday's Child" by Emiliana Torrini.
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