Winter is here, and my thesis is shite - but very slowly starting to happen.
4th July 2005 - Trans. and Ordination of S. Martin.
Friday night was Glen's farewell at a bar in town. I went along on an empty stomach and Glen kept encouraging alcohol in to me. I ended up quite drunken. While stumbling home I had a TXT conversation with Oli, who I haven't heard from in months (as I am a shit friend). All up it was a good night.
The weekend was spent reading the first two Harry Potter books - should get through the whole series before the next one comes out of the 16th. Otherwise not much to say for it, other than having had Sunday roast with my grandparents.
Today I was introduced to someone, who seemed to be kind of hitting on me in that I'm-a-slut-and-I-hit-on-everyone kind of way, and with whom I wasn't very taken. But ever since then I keep catching my imagination planning a life together. Clear sign I am a crazy person. I also made myself an appointment to get a full STD check - though I'm pretty confident I have nothing (as I've done basically nothing) I thought I should check and be certain.
5th July 2005.
Last night, for the first time since I was given them for christmas, I wore my teddy bear pjs. Turns out they are darn sexy. No-one has ever been sexier than I was last night. Harry Potter reading is going okay - if not fantastically.
This morning I took my mink-feel blanket down to the laundromat and paid to have it cleaned, as it blew off the line when I was airing it after an unexpected change in the weather (unexpected by me, possibly expected by weirdos what listen to weather reports) and ended up wet and smelling of garden - and the darn thing is too big for the flat washing machine. So there goes some money. Afterwards I headed off to see my psychotherapist - who has an impressive memory. The examination of my brain seems to be going okay so far. It was followed by my father shouting me lunch and an afternoon of doing work - including issuing a book from the science library for the first time ever.
Anyway, as I only wrote yesterday I really haven't all that much to say. I've almost finished book three of harry potter, and tomorrow my father becomes a NZ citizen.
11th July 2005 - Trans. of S. Benedict, Ab.
I have a big ugly bruise of doom on my arm from the clap doctor's attempts to find blood. I've had many the blood sample taken before but this was the first time I've ever had one that hurt. And now, as of this morning, many days later (went of Thursday) the bruise has just gone all red and gross (after having been a mix of purple and more mild bruise colours).
Anyway, Wednesday, went to office then to my father's citizenship ceremony. Started reading The Goblet of Fire that night. Thursday, office, clap doctor and more Goblet of Fire. Friday, office, lunch with my father and a Friday night of television and finishing Goblet of Fire at about 2am.
Saturday morning I started Order of the Phoenix. Then took a break from reading for the day and played Sims2 for the first time in a while. Saturday night was an exciting and social night of staying home and reading Order of the Phoenix some more. Sunday morning - likewise. Sunday afternoon Si invited me over, so I left my house and was social and stuff. I really do need to spend more time with my friends. Si I've now seen twice all year. Oli, I have seen since Chinese New Year. I'm a shit friend, especially as that entirely covers my close male friends. The advantage of female friends being that they force the issue of hanging out a little more and much more frequently.
Today, officing didn't go so great. Brain of squishiness.
17th July 2005 - Kenelm, K. and Mart.
Tuesday was office and reading Harry Potter-y. Otherwise not much to say for it. Wednesday I went to the dentist for what turned out to be surprise oral surgery. Removal of a wisdom tooth and the tooth it had impacted in to. Much with the grossness. The victim tooth was horribly disfigured and disturbingly non-tooth coloured and squishy. It was scary and wrong. So Wednesday I ended up miserable and off food.
Thursday, when I wasn't getting out of bed due to pain and grossness, I finished Order of the Phoenix and generally lay about feeling gross.
Friday - not entirely dissimilar, but featured some venturing into the eating of food, and some screaming when movement pulled my sutures and when food bumped my swollen gum. It turned out to be a little early for solids.
Yesterday, in the morning I went to Hallensteins and bought a couple of pairs of half-price jeans and a woolly jersey. Then I went and queued up for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I was one of the first to get it from UBS, then came home and read until about 4 in the afternoon when my ride to Oli's party turned up. Party was pretty good except for the mouth pain, making me less fun than I could have been. I got home around midnight and decided reading Harry Potter was more important than sleep. So I have finished the book just after 2pm today, and am now insanely tired. So very, very tired. Still not solids friendly either.
18th July 2005 - Arnulph, Bp. and Mart.
Going to bed at 8:30 last night and getting up about 8 thins morning has left me feeling much happier than I was yesterday. Not that I slept the whole way through - I woke up paranoid at about 2am after a dream in which I stumbled on to Simon shagging some girl who looked like she was trying really hard to pass for Liv Tyler on a park bench outside a restaurant I was supposed to be meeting my wife inside it. It was all awkward and uncomfortable. My dreams worry me. I think it was my brain extrapolating from the fact that it had lept to the conclusion he was embarrassed to know me.
Also, my brain can be pretty random, a couple of weeks ago I dreamed I was Jesus and racing paper boats down the Leith outside the university registry with a bunch of children (except it really wasn't the Leith), and I kept having to use my supernatural powers to slow my boat down so that I'd lose - out of humility.
Anyway, sleep did me lots of good but also led to a little paranoia. Got over it though. Mostly.
Went in to varsity today and dod some work for the first time since I had teeth ripped out of my face. Lunch ended in discomfort, keep thinking solids should be fine to be proven wrong. In the evening I came home and have to arsing around since, eating too much fruit and will probably come to regret it. Multiple bananas - which are harder to eat without chewing or dealing with solids than I'd have guessed - and many, many mandarins - which I suspect I'm going to make myself sick on.
21st July 2005 - Praxedes, V., not Mart.
Went to the doctor today, turns out my stressing out about my thesis over the last couple of weeks has bumped my blood pressure up almost 20 points. Not a pretty picture, and my doctor is quite unhappy about it.
22nd July 2005 - Mary Magdalen
Okay, I got distracted updating every email link on my website - the changing all the pages may have led to some dead links. Hopefully people will fill me in on these as I'll otherwise never find them.
Other than the doctor not being happy about my blood pressure, I have lost a little weight (which was a pleasant surprise). Yesterday also featured me being called to the HOD's office for the first time ever - for what turned out to be good reasons. She had heard I was panicking about things and wanted to give me some help. She is even interested in my topic. This bodes well.
On Wednesday I spent my whole psychotherapy session carefully not mentioning the fact that I was feeling terrible and wishing for a shorter life, instead I just got questioned about my family and the possibility of my being a masochist (due to my not taking painkiller much post tooth-extraction). Weirdly, while having a week on intense unhappiness, I have been finding my reflection very fetching, and would go so far as to say I currently feel damn sexy. Matthew at his hunkiness.
Today I had a long day in the office and got through a lot of reading, though got less useful stuff out of it than I had hoped. I also took a long lunch and went to Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence at the Film Festival. The plot was a lot thinner than the original, but the animation was amazing - the best I have ever seen. Shamelessly checked out someone else at the showing - and realised it was an example of my occasionally offbeat taste. I actually considered introducing myself, but wimped out.
23rd July 2005 - Apollinaris, Bp. and Mart.
Maybe my thinking I'm prettier than usual has some basis in fact, at the pool this morning old men kept crashing my lane - even when there were empty one. This in itself is not unusual as old people at the pool generally suck. What makes it not worthy is a couple of them tried to get me to stop and chat. Annoying. but possibly something I could be flattered about were I not finding it so damn annoying. Otherwise swimming went fine.
Still having a weird run of being miserable though - and it being Saturday makes it worse. For some reason me and Saturday nights fail to get along. They tend to be when I feel the mostly pointedly crappy. Atleast next weekend I'll be off at Oli's thing in central. Socialness helps.
Simon said he was proud of me for trying to sort out my craziness. For some reason this seems very important to me - not sure why, but it does.
Anyway, current brain place not ideal for inflicting on others, I think I shall off.
Quite surprisingly, a phone call from Shiny has chased away my nasty mood - I'm now much happier with the world. It's great how life works some time. The reason it made me happy may mark me as a bad person but I can live with that.
Grrr, just found out Midget has felt the need to discuss details if my personal life with people who it is really not the business of. I really have to stop being friends with her, at least until she learns some basic decorum (and that isn't so likely to happen).
When I talk to Si, he goes into invisible mode. Arse. Yup, tested and proved. Probably a good thing - as I wanted to rant something at him so he could tell me I was insane. Instead will have to tell myself it is insane and hope that works.
25th July 2005 - James, Ap.
Midget seems to have joined the ranks of people not talking to me.
Having a moody week of grouchiness.
Somedays I think the world would be better off without me moping around the place and achieving nothing in it. It's a good thing I'm mostly good at ignoring my self destructive impulses - as I have the urge to kill myself just to spite people for not paying me attention. I'm clearly having a more self involved than usual day. And I am such an arse. I go around wondering why my friends don't like me while I'm being total unlikeable and unredeemably fucktardish. Wahoo for being me.
In lighter news I keep bumping into one of Simon's friends (whom he has forbidden me from stealing) who seems to do wonders for motivating my masters. Motivation for my masters has to be a good thing.
Anyway, I should head off - foul moodiness and the internet are not the best combo.
26th July 2005 - Anne, Mother of Mary.
If Anne is the mother of Mary and Mary is the mother of God, does that make Anne the grandmother of God?
Si's continuing to not be online need to my irrationally panicking that maybe he died and no-one told me and I was going to miss the funeral, or possibly never find out ever. Then Captain Logic came to the rescue. I'm now assuming he's found some hot loving and simply hasn't made it home in days. Which would be good, he needs some more joy in his life.
For those of you who didn't notice, suicide didn't eventuate. That said, disturbingly high readership on the above entry. Seemed to have many more readers than usual. Judging from the fact I was getting feedback on it - something almost unheard of. That said, some of the feedback was from Shiny, who seems to have ritualised reading this thing. Clearly an adventure in stupidity. And feedback consisting of telling me my friends are not worth the effort isn't the kind of thing that is going to ingratiate me to someone. That said, Michiel (a more surprising surprise reader) had a more sensible approach of promising to wear black and trying to make people feel guilty about what they had driven me to. Good work on his part.
Readings for my thesis creeped me out today. Women's mystical practices in the medieval church. Some people took it too far. Grossed out-ness occured.
Other than the paranoia and grumpiness and creeped-out-by-Christian-pietiness I have had a good day.
27th July 2005 - SS. Seven Sleepers, Martt.
Okay, having stepped out from being self-involved, and checked log files to make sure I didn't say something unintentionally offensive, I'm mostly sure Si just hasn't been online in ages and hasn't invisible listed me. That is unless he has been reading this thing, which manages to get most people annoyed at me. I'm also mostly certain he'd tell me if I'd pissed him off. He's pretty good that way.
Now I'm just hoping his not being online is for a happy reason and not because anything in his life has gone wrong. Watch as this worry developes in to an anxiety attack like my worrying he had died was beginning to.
My psychotherapist may not be wrong with the suggestion I have some anxiety problems. Here was me thinking my anxiety was just interesting colour to my personality - it never occured to me that it was a problem in of itself. Her insight today was about my lacking confidence my friendships (though this was entirely in the context of my not feeling comfortable about visiting people uninvited - she seems to think I should). Very glad I haven't mentioned my semi-regular attacks of thinking my friends all hate me.
This afternoon I went to Mysterious Skin as I wanted to see if Michelle Trachtenberg could act or not (jury is still out). Fantastic movie - though very intense. Turns out going to an intense movie about teens working through childhood abuse is not the best thing for one already feeling pretty shit though. Not only did it leave me weirdly exhausted, but the downer on top of how I was already feeling.... I'm not a happy camper. Even more fun, Si's not about and Midget's not talking to me. I so need to be less dependant on other people. The lack of Simon is bad - he's like my touchstone with sanity.
28th July 2005 - Samson, Bp.
Shiny commented last night on the "smug satisfaction" I display in the entry two above. This somewhat concerns me. Having gone back and had a look I can see how it could be read that way - but such a reading would require the entire not knowing of me at all. Considering the effort Shiny has been putting in, it is a little disappointing (disappointing isn't the right word, but it will do for now as I can think of no better).
Worrying about what is up with Si to lead to his off-line-ness is building. Trying to shoot it down with logic. So far I'm losing to anxiousness. Also, he stuff is up in his life and he has chosen not to share then it is none of my business anyway.
Ranting. Probably a sign I should breakfast and go to varsity. And I have the dentist this afternoon, my dent student has realised I still have a root canal unfinished. My meagre money, how my wallet shall ache. Tis life though I guess.
Dentist visit has left me feeling like I've been kicked in the face and smacked around the head with something heavy and solid. Bugger it all.
Have decided it is time I learn to make good friends. I have a large semi-social circle but very few people I feel comfortable talking to about stuff. Being that currently those few people are all either living far, far away, unavailible or being a non-communicating Midget it strikes me as time to diversify. Whether this ever works or not is a whole other issue. For someone with a giant compulsive web diary and who talks too much all the freaking time, I suck at sharing.
One of my friends had a big go at me about being depressive. I think the moral was either that I should just kill myself aready or find the happier, and 'truer to myself', path of recreational drug use. Okay, I'm exaggerating, but not as much as one might suspect.
Hopefully my weekend in Central will cheer me up a bit. Oli's company is usually pretty good that way. Ergh, I leave tomorrow afternoon and still haven't got him a present, or thought about packing at all. I are slack.
29th July 2005 - SS. Felix and Faustus.
As I was getting ready for bed last night the midget started speaking again, wahoo. Now just have to find where Si has got to and my attempts at human interaction will be back to usual.
Also, for no real reason except that he exists, I'm very much appreciating Glen at the moment. He definately makes the top ten list of people I'd most want a clone army of (Dr Jamieson - husband of the former bishop Penny - is first on the list for obvious reasons).
Anyway, I should go pack, as might go to a movie this arvo. Or not. Depends on my cousin coming through with a free pass - so far she's only got me ones for things I can't or don't want to go to or have already been to. And the tooth that was worked on hurts a lot on contact today - bodes less than ideal for the weekend.
Am leaving in a few minutes, eating dinner, haven't packed. 9 Songs was a let down, a bad movie and not even good porn.
31st July 2005 - Germanus, Bp. and Conf.
The weekend in Oturehua was fantastic. Okay, there was a desperate shortage of ice and snow. Friday night the drive up seemed to take forever. Once there we had a quiet night drinking and chatting around the fireplace. Saturday we had a late start, went to Falls Dam, which was pretty cool, and back at the house some air rifle pot shots ensued. By dinner I was a little drunk, so after feasting on goat and buckets of vegetables I abstained from the alcohol for the rest of the night. One of my friends, who was there, tends to suffer from too much of my attention when I'm drunk so I thought behaving was in order. Anyway, made for a good night. Today we slept in, cleaned up and came home. I'm so tired now.
Worrying that within only a couple of hours of being back I'm feeling crap. Had a chat to one of the few mutual friends me and Si have who made some comments about my and Si's friendship being over. While I'm mostly just sure it's conjecture, as it was portrayed, I'm a bit paranoid that there may have been some knowledge I don't have involved. Really not likely the prospect of losing one of my cloest friends. Hopefully I'm just being paranoid and insane. Okay, I'm making far to much of an issue out of one of my friends leaving me incommunicado - shrink having commented on my lacking confidence in my friendships seems to have eroded said confidence and made me more paranoid than usual.
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