HOD breathing down my neck - thesis must start to come together -it must.
Take chekine chapped for comons, for a lord tak hole chekins
A Noble Boke off Cookry
1st August 2005 - S. Peter's Chains
Wahoo, Si was online this morning. Hasn't blocked me. I really am just paranoid. Always good to know.
The day has been and gone. Did much less work than I'd have liked, but I had lunch with Wormgirl - first time I'd seen her in a stupidly long time. It was great. She really ought visit more often. Slacker that she is. I was one of teh last out of the office today - virtue is me...
On the news tonight they showed some research of mental health, turned out I have or have had three of the four things they said I was statistically more likely of. Just lacking the drug problem - but I can handle being drug problem-less. Some days it sucks to be a statistic. Plus, details of the study were very fuzzily described, may not actually be applicable.
Now I'm being paranoid again. I might have to ring Si for a chat some night soon and check he's ok. Worrying too damn much - and it probably isn't good for me. Though ringing may just make me come across as a busy-body with no respect.
By the way, I'm the prince of the neighbouring kingdom.
2nd August 2005 - Stephen, Pope and Mart.
I woke up from a dream this morning so worked up I could feel my heart beat reverberating through my mattress. The day had a continual ominous feeling that something was all building up to explode inside me. Though mostly not in a blood pressure way. In fact I have no idea how to explain it. More physical than psychic but clearly psychic in origin. Fortunately my shrink meeting for this week has been cancelled, so I have a whole extra week to sort out all the anxiety things I'm doing myself over with.
After lunch with my father I went to a lunch time concert at Marama and heard the Midget warble it out like a pro. Then after some more work I was off to the Film Festival. Howl's Moving Castle is fantastically cute. And well worth seeing.
Came home to a $300 dental bill though, unexpectedly high and depressing. Anyway, I should go make dinner.
Braved the telephone and called Si, turned out I am in fact just insane and paranoid. After the initial weirdness of it being a telephone call and not a medium of common use it was all good and normal like. Wahoo for the having of friends.
To repress eating and hunger was the control the body in a discipline far more basic than any achieved by shedding the less frequent and essentially gratifications of sex and money.Caroline Walker Bynum - Holy Feast and Holy Fast
3rd August 2005 - Invention of S. Stephen, Protomartyr.
The last series of Angel is letting me down, we finally get it on NZ telly and it is cheesily gimicky - and gave me puppet related nightmares.
Howl's Moving Castle is fantastic. I think I'm going to have to buy the DVD when it comes out.
I had a chat to Glen last night, he thinks my paranoia is self-fulfilling and my worrying will lead to me having no friends. While I can see it making me a tiresome friend I'm mostly hoping it is still at the redeemably tiresome level. I guess time will tell.
Fighting with a bit of apple skin stuck in my socket - the partially closed over-ness means that while things still go in just as easily they are a right bitch to get out. Insaneness. Fie upon the black art of dentistry.
The demon gods of dentistry have punished my denying them. After a nice quiet morning in the office and chatting to Mike the librarian at Krshna lunch, I headed to dent school. I was expecting to get the whole root filling thing done, it started off okay until the x-rays showed I needed to have the extirpation of pulp thing from the week before redone. In the process of redoing it she went a fair way past the apex - for which the supervisor seemed very unhappy with her. This fails to make me happy, especially as they never explain a stupid thing. Also realised, not for teh first time, that being at the dentist puts my blood pressure up lots. I lie back watching little points of light dance in front of my eyes and can feel my heart beat all through my body.
Am doing readings, but for some reason I keep reading the word 'prosperous' as 'preposterous'. My brain worries me.
Margaret of Ypres so desired to join with Christ's suffering that she prayed for her infirmities to last beyond the grave.ibid
5th August 2005 - Oswald, K. and Mart.
Yesterday I went to the office and did work until 3 in the afternoon when headache, roof of mouth ache and temptations of film festival lead to my skiving off. But Breffni had forgotten to leave the pass for me, so I listened to my headache and went home, after going past Stu's (who is never home when I go past). Then I had a quiet night in medicating what had become a migraine by the time I got in with a bag of m&m's I had lying around. Somewhat a stupid plan.
This morning I am still headachey and a bit shakey. Worried I maybe have caught the lurgy off my flatmate.
Headache has been coming and going all day. Got a good bit of work done though before pain in head caused me to give up and go home. Evil Nic o'doom was being weirdly friendly and interested in my topic - this is disconcerting.
Was going to go to Steamboy tonight, but am feeling a bit too grotty. Hopefully I'm better for the pool in the morning.
Reading the lives of fourteenth- and fifteenth-century woman saints greatly expands one's knowledge of Latin synonyms for whip, thong, flail, chain, etc.ibid
9th August 2005 - Romanus, Mart. Mem. only. Vigil.
I completely failed to sleep last night. It was made up of insane amounts of lying awake even by my usual standards of insane lying awakeness. There was no reason for it, it just happened and I am annoyed by it. I have been left feeling all tired and cranky and gross for no good reason. Someday I am going to have to kill my brain - that'll learn it good. It so has a violent death at my hands coming.
The weekend was pretty good. Went to a few film festival movies, Animation Now, Banana in a Nutshell and Broken Flowers, and to a first birthday party. For the most part it was a nice no-stress weekend of laziness.
Yesterday, I went to the office and did some reading, but return of headache from Friday - which is still here now - put end to that earlier than I probably should have stopped. Then I came home and clocked the demo of Dragonshard - annoyed that it took about four times as long to download as it did to complete.
Had a good long day at the office. Though got mocked when I was leaving about the fact it was after five and people might think I was trying to make it look like I do work. Hooray for people. Actually I bumped into one of my former chemlings from years back who is now in med and has grown up to be quite good looking. It is always nice to see how well some of my chemlings seem to be doing.
In more random news, for the first time since I went to the conference last year I have changed the wallpaper on my computer desktop. After about a year of the picture off an edition of Tolkien's translation of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight I now have this [link fixed - 21/8/05] very fetching picture of Summer Glau. It makes for a pretty face staring (or possibly pouting) out of my computer screen.
The wickedness of women is greater than all other wickedness of the world and... the poison of asps and dragons is more curable and less dangerous to men than the familiarity of women(Possibly) Premonstratensian abbot Conrad of Marchtal. (I think the translation is Bynum's)
11th August 2005 - Tyburtius, Mart. Mem. only.
Lay awake the other night wondering about the eucharist. As it literally becomes the flesh of Christ, then are vegetarians really allowed to receive communion? And what about Fridays, and Lent? Should the faithful be eating transubstantiated flesh on a fast day. Okay, clearly this is only an issue for Roman Catholics. Still, it bugs me.
I seem to have somehow landed myself a russian pen friend with barely comprehensible english. Could turn out to be fun. With how much thinking is required to decode what I get I have to wonder how much what I saw is being misread at the other end. Language is crazy.
Not much else to talk about. I feel the vague urge to rant as with Si all rudely having a life I have all my daily need to talk to someone in the evening bottling up inside. Especially with the weekly brain poking. Point of this week was that I should feel more like I should expect my friends to listen to me. I think acting on that and trying it would lead to my rapidly having fewer (or no) friends.
I should go be productive, it's morning and I should be getting ready not playing on the interweb.
Word of the Day: Prurience (n). I discovered it being used in its meaning of a craving.
To be always with a woman and not have sexual relations with her is more difficult than to raise the dead. You cannot do the less difficult; do you think I will believe that you can do what is more difficult?
Bernard of Clairvaux (d. 1153)
12th August 2005.
Yesterday I got started actually writing my food chapter - the research being done and annoying not covering half what I had hoped it would. Turns out the feild is currently made up of examples and very little theory. Which is good from the prespective of hating theory but makes it harder to work out what applies to my texts and what is specific to the examples. And most of the example are of extremists and not of usual practice.
Russian emails continue to turn up, with the amusingly poor english. I've never managed to keep a pen pal more and a handful of messages - I seem to scare people off unintentionally - so I'll have to see how this goes.
Had a weird non-sleeping night last night. It's annoying. Kept waking up from a weird dream where I was helping med students (one of whom was Danny Strong) to break into the chem department (the exteriors of which were played by Plunket House and the interiors something creepily made up by my brain - far too white and prestine to be the real chem building). There was also some dodgy satay involved.
Work on chapter due next week is going slowly. A bit too slowly, but I am taking tomorrow off as I need a day not on it, will get back to it on Sunday. I should go make dinner, my brother is turning up to get some stuff off me.
Word of the Day: Myroblyte (n). A saint whose relics exude myrrh, oil or balm which has beneficial uses to the faithful who receive it.
14th August 2005 - Oct. of [the Name of] Jesus. Eusebius, Presb. and Conf. Vigil.
Friday evening my brother dropped around to pick something up and stayed for five hours. It was mostly ok, but not very subtle hints he should go home filled atleast the last hour of it - I was tired and wanted sleep. It also lead to me missing both Veronica Mars and House (well, they were on, but he talked over them so I have no idea what they were about).
It is a disturbing sign of my lack of socialness that my favourite TV night is Friday - a night I should be out life having.
Yesterday I took the stay at home day I'd been planning and just blobbed, it was needed. While I, bastard that I am, was greatly amused by the fact my Russian penpal's English seems to be getting worse rather than better. The day pretty much entirely went to unproductiveness, much of it Sims2 related.
16th August 2005.
Seem to be developing insomnia - haven't slept properly in ages. Am getting tired and cranky. In lighter news, Sunday and yesterday were both productive thesis word-count wise. Today will hopefully follow that trend.
I also seem to have scared off my pen pal - confirming that I am unable to keep a pen pal for more than a handful of messages.
21st August 2005.
This was a week of thesis work. On Tuesday I got my initial draft of my Food in Gawain section completed and in to Lyn the HOD. It's not perfect, but is a start.
Wednesday I had my theraping session (I was introduced to the verb "to therape" last week and have decided to embrace it into my own vocabulary even if the Oxford doesn't). She is trying to get to the root of my problems and it turns out that leads to talking about stuff that leaves me feeling utterly crap. Even after the massive big things I've not mentioned at all that in all fairness probably should have been. Then in the afternoon, the happy occasion of a root filling. Supposedly only one more session to go and that tooth will be finished with. It may even be the last of my current dental issues, not sure. Though she does want to extract more of my wisdoms as a precautionary measure.
Thursday I had a latish start as was feeling a bit gross post dentistry. The day was spent reading books that were due back and then starting an Early English Text Society book on manners that Greg recommended after Monday's version of my draft. After about ten minutes I went back to the library and got out the translation.
Friday I spent the morning reading and stressing out about the meeting with the HOD and another of the lecturers I was having after lunch. Then, after all the stressing, it went fine. They seemed surprisingly positive about what I had got done and refered me on to cultural theorists (I am not a theory fan). I did manage to give myself what I think was a stress-migraine though. As late Friday evening I was very unhappy feeling.
Yesterday, I was going to go for a wander up Flagstaff, even tried to rope in other people, but just as I was getting ready to leave the weather turned all foreboding like it was going to rain heavily. Come several hours later it became clear it was all threat and no liquid, by which point it was really a bit late to start walking to and up a mountain. Very annoyed that I stayed home for no reason. Though I had also started sneezing a lot from what I think is hayfever - which probably would have spoilt the walk. Then in the evening I had an attack of depression. Considering ringing people but didn't. Talking about the worry that my ringing friends is an unwelcome intrusion in to their lives with my shrink has made me a little more paranoid about it than I was before. Even though Midget had said I could ring her as she was babysitting at one of her sisters (not that I knew which, or have phone numbres for either anyway - but I do have cellphone with free txt to vodafone on weekends so problem was easily solvable). Had a passing thought of ringing Simon since he is who normally sets me back to some approximation of reality, but as much as he is not not talking to me he is not exactly talking to me. And I decided it wasn't a kill myself kind of mood (just a lying down wishing the world would swallow me one) so disturbing other people wasn't justified.
I think I might go play some Sims2. I have rediscovered the fun of playing it without any custom content or hacks. Not only does it both load and run much, much faster without any extra content, but the lack of somewhat hacked objects I had got so used to actually put some challange back in to it. I may have to remove the custom content from my main account at some stage (am currently playing a clean install on my Guest user account - who would have known operating systems with multiple users would lead to such useful things as having an automatically clean install of the game (as all custom content is store in My Documents)).
Mostly I'm off to sneeze a bunch more. Stupid allergies of doom.
Day in the office was less productive than I had hoped. Stupid hayfever. Sneezing was the winner on the day.
Had lunch with Midget though, which was good. Filled my social bar up to all green. About 4 in the afternoon I gave up on working and came home. All sneezy and gross with the associated blood shot eyes that make me look like an insano.
Got home and chatted to Si online for a little while, mostly about the fact he is too busy to chat online properly or with any frequency. Makes me feel a little better that he's not just avoiding the annoyance inherent in talking to me, though a bunch worse that he's working himself into a early grave (something I've forbidden him from - unheeded).
Finally got the link from Tim for the photos he took at New Years. Turns out the only photo my face is in also has my naked gut on a very unflattering angle. Not a pretty picture. All the rest I am either decapitated or have a cap down hiding my face. Thus linking to them from here will not be required. Bugger. Just showed it to Glen though, and he was practically positive about it. I so have to lose weight.
The socket from my tooth extraction has gone weird. Had finally healed over and now sharp boney bits are poking through the gum. Will have to get it checked on Wednesday when I'm filling getting.
Time for me to go make dinner.
22nd August 2005 - Oct. of S. Mary. Mem. of SS. Timothy and Symphorian.
Turns out that I am in fact an insanely stupid man.
Just found out that all the Simon-has-invisible-listed-me paranoia, that I had worked through as just being my insanity and got over nicely, was actually right.
I should just give up on living among people. I need to find a quite cell to rot away in - with only my insanity for company. People just make me get all stupidly melodramamtic about shit. I hate being melodramatic.
In future I have to remember when I ask someone if they want to catch up someday and they say they 'are really busy but may have time in two months' that what they are really saying is 'no'.
I'm being irrational. I'm just so angry at my own stupidity.
I just find it stupid that after all my paranoia I entirely didn't see it actually happening. The point of paranoia is that it is not supposed to be right.
My nice happy entry I was planning until about an hour ago will possibly happen later. Right now I need to go sort through the shit in me head and try and work out what is actually going on in there.
I had a chat to Shelley, who is also having best friend issues and it was decided that friends are in fact overrated and not worth the effort.
I'm currently liking the plan of designing a super-virus and cleansing the Earth of all human life.
Okay, I've worked through enough to be seeing the humour in it all. I'm mostly just feeling stupid for having missed the obvious brush off - and responding to it by worrying about him overworking himself. Worse, I'm still worried he's overworking himself. I suck at being angry at other people. Anger at myself I can do, but I just don't manage it against others well.
23rd August 2005 - SS. Timotheus and Apollinaris. With Nocturn. Vigil.
Lying awake last night I had a good think and realised why I'm not angry. I have no real reason to be. I'm disappointed, theres not denying that, but my lack of a right to be angry and left me, surprisingly logically, not angry. Okay, slight lie, I'm still angry at myself for being so disappointed.
Also a little annoyed. The psychotherapy is leaving me really wanting to talk things over some nights, and he is pretty much the only person left in town I feel comfortable talking about anything with. While I was quite happy to bottle it up because he was availible, the fact his inavailibility turns out to be a deliberate choice on his part is slightly annoying.
I so have to work on actually being able to talk to other people. I'm far too emotionally dependant on Simon - who clearly is needing a break from the strain of dealing with my insane nutbarness.
I think I may be one of those people who people consider friendship with a chore. Which is possibly a fair assessment, just not one I would want to be true.
24th August 2005 - Bartholomew, Ap.
I think I have been sick since the weekend. Being as hayfever seems to have gone but the headache, couch and general gross feeling remains. Could explain my ridiculous over-emotion-ness on Monday.
Next time I see my doctor I really am going to bring up the fact me immune system seems to have taken to sucking lots.
I think first though I'll bring up with my shrink a new goal - to be less of a freakishly high maintenance friend. I'd rather not be so tiring a friend that people have to hide from me.
I should go have breakfast.
25th August 2005.
Attempts to explain to my brain-poker how I am too high maintenance failed. I couldn't seem to get it across in a way that conveyed the full depths of my unlikeability. She couldn't seem to understand the scale of how self-involved I am from my attempts to explain it. I lack eloquence. It's sad that as a English postgraduate I am failed by my use of discourse. Ah, well...
Yesterday I also had a dental appointment - which I managed to convince my dentist to not use any anaesthetic in, which made things much, much more pleasant. If I had just managed that trick more times. I loathe anaesthetic so much. That said, appointment wasn't fantastic. Had to have the same filling done three times as it kept falling apart as she tried to shape it afterwards. I have been left with a funny shaped stump tooth for the next couple of weeks. What is it with dentist and wanting to cut my teeth back to stumps?
The happy news things for the week, which I've kept being too busy wallowing to mention, are as follows. On Monday, my missal finally turned up. My supervisor ordered it from a print on demand company about this time last year, they printed it 11/9/2004 (I'm assuming American 11/9, which would be 9/11 in English and would make it only just getting here atleast a little more acceptable). How it took so long to get here afterward is concerning. Tuesday, one of my former chemlings (hot 'mature' student lab-eye-candy from years been) stopped me at varsity with an invitation for a free meal. I will have to take that up some day. Nice, friendly, hot people are great. May possibly have redeemed humanity for a while.
I think that is all I have to say for now, I should go breakfast.
Yay, was online at the same time as Tina for the first time in what seems like forever. I miss her so much that it is ridiculous.
Grrr, though I should start replying to some emails from other overseas friends I never talk to and my email client crashes. Arse.
I'm also sick. Evil sore throat kicked in yesterday and today has been followed by continual coughing and grossness. I mentioned the being sick days ago - but then I was still hoping I was imagining it - now it's like real.
27th August 2005 - Rufus, Mart.
I have been coughing so much my upper abs and the bottom of my ribcage hurt. So much pain that it has actually become pretty damn funny. I'm hoping it counts as a thorough ab workout - helps in my unrealistic goal of getting hell sexy.
Yesterday was fantastic weather wise, so I sat in the sun at varsity and read some 1930s cultural theory. I don't get cultural theory - but atleast I eventually worked out why I was being made to read the book I was, it started to refer to the 15th century book my supervisor email recommended. Possibly time to ignore the HOD and focus more on the stuff Greg recommended. Then last night the weather went wet and cold and possibly a little snowy for a while (as there is some on the hills - making flagstaff tempting again were it not for the coughing fits and pain) so I stayed in and made a mask for the masquerade I'm going to tonight. I overcooked the flour glue I was making so it didn't work to plan. Ended up having to bake the thing dry and it was too gooey and gross to ever dry on it's own.
This morning I spray painted said mask and decorated it - should be ok.
I think I might go buy something unhealthy like for lunch. Walk will do me good, and I need more cough drops anyway.
28th August 2005 - Augustine, Bp. and Doct.
The masquerade ball was fantastic. Though my mask was uncomfortable and a bit too heavy. The food was good, there were lots of people I knew there and Tavendale was subsidising my drinks - he seemed to want to get me drunk, which is a stupid plan as I am an unpleasant drunkard. After the ball a big group of us headed to The Vatican - I am not sure I am comfortable about people dancing-clubbing in a converted church, seems sacriligious - and I somehow ended up dirty dancing with my Latin lecturer. After that we went to ReFeul for a while before I pulled an old man and went home first of the group.
Today I was very tired, didn't get near enough sleep. Also still sick, and a night out in the cold doesn't seem to have helped. I spent a fair chunk of the day in the office doing work and coughing my lungs out. All fun for me.
29th August 2005 - Decollation of S. John Baptist.
I'm still sick, and while the physical sick of it isn't so bad (just enough the the post-grad rep told me to go home) it is making me all over emotional. I finished the Elias book today and then did come home, I was being too preoccupied with noise in my head to do anything very constructive anyway.
Simon is actually showing up online for once, and I'm feeling too shit to actually be able to think of anything non-angry ranty to say. As much as all the ranting on here must count as pour petrol on my bridges, I'm not in a huge rush to light the match. And currently talking to him would just lead to saying things I'll likely regret. May have already lost a friend here - but would like to keep to 'may' and not any certainty for a bit longer. Stupid being sickly and cranky like.
Otherwise life is lifelike.
I think my plan of eating a whole pack of Squiggles instead of just growing a spine and talking to Simon may also be flawed.
30th August 2005 - SS. Felix and Adauctus, Martt.
Today work in the office was going a bit subaverage, evil Nic was bugging me more than usual. She kept giving me the evil eye. Which gets annoying fast. So when Meg turned up midafternoon to skiv off I jumped at the opportunity. We came back to my place and read comics and she has a look at the Sims2 and I converted her to Firefly. Made for a great day. We went to Filadelfio's for dinner, and it was great, but I'm realising now that the calzone had far too much cheese for me to handle and I'm feeling very uncomfortable from the dairy-ness. Stupid cow products.
Anyway, I should go and sleep. Or try to.
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