So much rant in me, but I should sleep instead.

Weird dreams (about doing dishes with Carla in a kitchen I had never seen before, in a supermarket carpark and which seemed to belong to former local MP Hilary Calvert, only too be interrupted by my 3rd form maths teacher to tell me she had found a wife) woke me up too early.

It has been a thing recently.  Not enough sleep, too many dreams.

And about the first thought after waking up is the disappointment that I didn't die in my sleep.


Every time I talk to anyone I know, and they ask me how I am, I hear the little voice screaming at me for being such an awful liar when I say fine.  But I'm a New Zealander, 'fine' is the only socially acceptable answer to the question.


I should try to sleep.

Ranting can wait for another day.

So

On re-reading my last post it came across a lot more like a suicide note that it had seemed when I wrote it.  Which left me really wanting to never blog again and leave anyone who stumbled over my blog to wander if the worst had occurred.

But I have SO MUCH rant to vent and don't dislike any of my friends enough to vent it all at them.  And I am too lazy to go off and start yet another blog.


On Tuesday I went to a Public Sector job fair, as well as getting a bunch of free pens I also realised that if it wasn't for my health I would actually be pretty employable.  I have complex feelings about this.

During the time I was there I also got a text from my GPs office that my GP (the guy my mother claims was the doctor in the delivery room when I was born) has retired and been replaced.  The GP I thought I was training up to shift to moved to an Associate Dean position at the Med School - so I guess I will have to deal with this new replacement stranger.
In thinking about it, I have realised that my GP is more than a bit terrible in a lot of ways and having a new primary GP might mean that I get something more diagnostically for the first time in a decade.  A disinterested doctor was not helping with the chronic illness thing.  Bring on the new disinterested doctor......


Then I had my tutorial.  It was not great.
The tutor has just finished his PhD and seems like a pretty likeable guy but also seems like he has a very specific interest area and the content of the course doesn't match with it that well.  His theory knowledge is far below mine, and mine was poor even before I left it rusting for over a decade.


After the pointless tutorial of wasting my life, I went to town to meet up with the semi-imaginary-one and his flatmates for our regular group hang in town.  I felt a little like he was using his flat as human-shields to stop me forcing a conversation about the elephant in the room.  After some pleasant hanging out we went to the the supermarket as a group and my surprisingly better than expected knowledge of physiology and nutrition was used to help them pick things to be functional with their whole flat decision to all go 'keto'.

Before we headed back in to town to watch the new Lion King, we finally got to have some serious conversation.   It does seem like before being edited the pictures had been pretty innocent. and he assured me there was nothing to worry about.  We had a pretty thorough conversation about it and I went from being pretty certain I was ending things with him to being confident enough that it was all just malicious third-party bullshit.
The real problem is that he never does anything to build an trust, which means every time something comes along to question it there is no buffer.  I have told him he needs to start including me in things more if I am going to be able to keep this up.  So we will see how that goes.

Lion King was perfectly fine, but just the old film with fancier animation (and not necessarily better, traditional animation has stuff going for it - like seeming less soulless than the new version).  I mostly didn't see the point.  But it least it wasn't just an exercise in worse storytelling like Beauty and the Beast's remake was.


Yesterday, I got up, breakfasted, and started getting for ready for uni a bit early, and ended up late for class having forgotten a bunch of the stuff I was supposed to take.  After class I got satay soup to kill time before a hospital eye clinic appointment, hopefully the technicians quick assessment was right and there is no change from last year.
On the way home from the hospital I fell multiple times.
I just seemed to have lost the ability to control my feet and they kept falling out from under me, or my shoes would catch on each other somehow.  It was all just pretty unpleasant.  So I curled up with bad TV and then did nothing but the same today until Dad took me out for dinner and some groceries.  My sibling being back in hospital for the same thing, which is starting to suggest Dunedin's public system is not quite on top of managing stuff.

I should go to bed.  I might have to try and pass as human tomorrow.  Maybe.

My brain

I did not really sleep last night.  The awkwardness of the evening (an evening that was supposed to be spent doing my assignment) led to much lying awake.
Then my everlasting migraine decided that 1am was the perfect time to add sharp stabby and twisting elements to itself.   That is not the kind of migraine easily slept through.
And then a had a long, drawn-out, guilt spiral about having not topped myself when I was younger.  Whether it be one of the times I wanted to as a kid, or a teenager, or at least when I first found out I was almost certainly chronically useless.  My existence is just a burden on everyone who knows me, especially with how self-involved being in pain all the time has made me, and on the stretched resources of the planet.  And any difficulties my death would have cause friends and family would have been gotten over and probably forgotten by now.  Instead I just keep being a burden.
I seriously considered a 3am text to the 1737 thing.

There is a medium to fair chance that I am not doing ok.
But I got the info from student health today to use their counselling service.  Will try later in the week as they only do assessments on same day appointments and so I can't book ahead.

Today I made it to class.  I even did the readings for the lecture first.  But it is now approaching time I go to bed and try to sleep and I still have not started the reading for the assignment that I have due tomorrow.

Blogging about procrastinating as a way to procrastinate.  What did people do without the internet?


Also, I have a lip pimple.  Will make me so much prettier and more confident for the probable fight with the semi-imaginary-one that I suspect is coming tomorrow evening.


In lighter news, the neighbour I most get along with in the complex and with whom I have been friendly for 11 years now, came into my unit for the first time today.  To get me to witness his passport photo.
He was only semi-wowed by my Lego.
People should be more impressed by it.  It is good Lego.
(And the company would want me to spell it 'LEGO' but all-caps is dumb.)

WTF

I was just about to to an entry about how I am too sick and how only two weeks or very light study has reminded me that I am on the supported living allowance for a very valid reason.

But then I started getting anonymous messages from a stranger, with pictures of the Semi-Imaginary-One looking pretty fucking couple-y- with someone else.

So my whole spiel that I was planning about what a gimp I am has been pushed out of my brain by a LOT of relationship anxiety and the disturbing realisation that for all that it upsets me it doesn't manage to disappoint or surprise as I always knew something bad was coming.




In other news, since the last tie I wrote the building had a meeting about the renovations (and a couple of days of all the tenants getting f-ed about by the contractors for no reason).  We will soon enter two years of living on a building site and it is being made very clear that we are supposed to feel super grateful for al the inconveniences.

And there is a lot of anger as they had promised to find more appropriate housing for those who wanting to leave but that has now been reneged on, and we will all be moved to the back building once it is done.
The whole thing is being poorly managed.  And there cheerful woman down from Christchurch continues to be very patronising like we are all too stupid to understand anything.  And they have been very careful to make all their actual promises only spoken, it is only their demands that come in writing.

Housing New Zealand is not doing their best work.

But at least they are massively reducing the number of windows on all my north facing walls, so my flat can be dingy and claustrophobic.....
Such a win.



And even before today I have been failing to sleep at night and have been left fairly useless (so have done nothing of my readings or upcoming assignment).
Not loving my life.

Feeling Loved

Once again the Semi-Imaginary-One has cancelled on me because his flatmate had other plans and I am not worth socialising with unless it is a group hang.

So fucking special.




In other news, started uni yesterday.  The effort of going to class led to a six hour nap immediately after getting home.  And then still sleeping a full night.
My body is lame.

The night before I had also sleep well, especially considering it was on Simon's guest bed.  I had had dinner with him, seeing him for on the second time since I got back from Canada.  And it was the first proper catch up I'd had with him in a very long time.

I seem to be falling back into very hermit-y patterns.

Relative warmth

Yesterday was Dunedin's warmest July day on record.
I can't say I noticed, I spent the day wrapped in a blanket.  I guess I am not yet well.  Stupid germs.

Though, waking up from a terrible night's sleep, I realised this morning was the first morning in almost three weeks with no sign of fever and night sweats.

I may be tired and feel awful, but I am possibly on the way to eventually being well again.  Or, more accurately, back to just being chronically ill.

At least I have food in my house, thanks to Carla taking me shopping on Tuesday and then buying me a bunch of random extras.  So I have been snacking.  Such snacking.

I have better friends than I deserve.

Never getting better ever

Friday and Saturday I slept.  Well over half of each day was spent sleeping.  I was just so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open.

Because it is how my body works, Sunday and Monday nights were then spent significantly lying awake.

Last night (Monday night) I spent lying awake convincing myself that my diabetes had spiked to the point of being symptomatic  - I had to get up three times to pee.
This morning's pre-breakfast blood glucose test was at the lower end of where it would normally be expected to be, with a perfectly respectable 6.3mmolL^-1.  No diabetes flare up for me.

I also planned out a super engaging and witty entry for this thing.  I remember thinking it was so good and being confident that I would remember it all to write in the morning.  I do not.
I am sure it would have been literature for the ages.