Essays unwritten

I managed more sleep than I have, embarrassingly, by actually applying the mindfulness thing people have been suggesting all along.
The counsellor I saw yesterday explained it in a way that was more useful.  Between rounds of my spiralling as I defended Shitlord to him....  But his advice seemed to help it work.  I didn't sleep well and awoke a lot of times.  But I got back to sleep much better than I have previously.  Thus allowing for it probably being the night I have awoken the most times in many years - awaking requires have slept first and all.  Waking up so many times is also so many extra occasions to be disappointed by the life I awake into.

I described Shitlord simply as my ex to someone this morning - this induced instant waves of nausea.
I thought I was past such simple things making me sick.  Appears not.

Am skipping my regular trip to the pool to try and get some of the essay done.
Mostly am just crying again because I am a failure of a human.

And write from when I started writing in this blog again it has been pretty clear that enough of me knew my relationship was toxic that I should have been disengaging.  But I didn't.   He kept making promises and I kept believing them, even after three Christmasses where I spent the evening crying alone after he stood me up (after much postponing about when he was arriving so that I didn't make other plans).
Looking at things from this bare approximation of the outside, I still can't understand why I fell for his crap for so long.