Limerence

I really should be working on my essay but my brain can't focus.

Somehow I ended up reading something about limerence and self diagnosed.  Then read a bit more and realised it doesn't fit that well after all.

I was coming at the hope from the wrong direction.  And I didn't really have intrusive fantasies.  My imagining how things could be better was entirely in the normal range.  Really, all I have the made it sound right was loneliness and a constant fear of rejection from someone I had been with for years.

The counselling seemed to be going so well, and before the same day is even over I am once again trying to prove to myself that it is all my fault.  Trying to prove that Shitlord was somehow just a bystander to me torturing myself for years.

Why do I keep back-pedalling?

Stupid brain chemistry keeping me all in love with someone who was never very good to me.