Disclaimer

Though a "Diary" my online diary is a work of FICTION.

It may at times strongly reflect actual events of my life, often how I honestly perceived them and display my genuine reactions. But not always and everything contained within should be treated as a fiction.

This is also a personal diary, so by reading it you are violating my privacy. And as it is a personal diary you are not allowed to hold anything you read in it against me, as you shouldn't have been reading it anyway.

Also, this diary is not to be read by anyone who has gone out with me, would like to go out with me in the future, or suspects I may like to go out with them.






Click Here for the old site, as backed up by Wayback Machine (I have gone with the 2007 version as it is the latest that is still before vodafone crunched a bunch of my files)

Monday, 23 September 2019

Limerence

I really should be working on my essay but my brain can't focus.

Somehow I ended up reading something about limerence and self diagnosed.  Then read a bit more and realised it doesn't fit that well after all.

I was coming at the hope from the wrong direction.  And I didn't really have intrusive fantasies.  My imagining how things could be better was entirely in the normal range.  Really, all I have the made it sound right was loneliness and a constant fear of rejection from someone I had been with for years.

The counselling seemed to be going so well, and before the same day is even over I am once again trying to prove to myself that it is all my fault.  Trying to prove that Shitlord was somehow just a bystander to me torturing myself for years.

Why do I keep back-pedalling?

Stupid brain chemistry keeping me all in love with someone who was never very good to me.
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