Not headed to homelessness, but too tired to anything

 On Tuesday, after writing my last entry, I headed to my artsenta writing group thing.  After which, after killing some time in town, I had lunch with Oli.  He is good company as a rule.

That night I got Hell pizza for probably the last time in a while - the student discount voucher expires tonight and I was only buying it to enjoy the cheap.  And the pizza was covered in salad so almost felt appropriate for how warm the day was.

It was also during this very warm evening that I realised my fan wasn't actually blowing, so dissembled it to get at the fans and cleaned them.  Amazing how little dust stuck to the blades it takes to make a fan much much less efficient.  And led to dirty air currents that trapped themselves inside the cage.

Wednesday, I did little but dust Lego while listening to some more of Kevin Hearne's Iron Druid audiobook series.  I am not sure I like the series, but it is entertaining.  In the evening I went dinner at Carla and Ian's of Couplands family pie and salad.  Followed by some Dungeons and Dragons.

That night I was being annoyed by my tumour thing being more swollen than normal.  My neck felt the wrong size and swallowing was uncomfortable.  Fortunately it came down again over night.   I mean, it sucks but it doesn't seem like it is actually going to kill me soon, as much as it felt like it might late Wednesday night.

Thursday I got up early and made myself look human to go and talk to a psychiatry supervisor about being a training psychotherapy patient for a psychiatrist in training.  It went well, and I should be contacted soon by whoever I ended up allocated to.

As I got home I was spotted by the tenancy liaisons that I was expecting to have have a meeting with in the afternoon.  Since they knew I was home they came early and I discovered I had been given a flat on the floor I wanted, and though no-one was sure how the letters works I assumed the unit would even be on the sunny side.

Friday morning the landlords had a big open house with catering (by Precinct - so pretty 'fancy'), and reporters from several outfits, and a bunch of Kāinga Ora head office monkeys.  Everyone crowded into the lounge of one of the ground floor units and there were speeches.  Then the food.  But more important than trying the food I got the token hot tenancy liaison (I am sure I have mentioned him and his 'upside-down head' on the occasion of some other time he was in town) to show me my new unit.

My unit turned out to be the one I most wanted.  Complaining was rewarded, or it just reminded my tenancy manager of the earlier conversations.

But I couldn't just loiter with the cute guy for too long, he started telling one of his higher-ups about my Lego and also trying to explain the changes from the old building.  Somehow I got talked into taking said higher-up for a tour of my current flat, with all its half packed Lego.  Thus leaving the weirdness of paying too much attention to the cute, bald, probably-straight, boy for the weirdness of being alone in my flat with a too-well-dressed middle-aged homo.  My brain generates too much awkwardness.

And then I got my sistema container - one that came free with oranges once and thus has oranges printed on it - and went and loaded up on wraps.  Because they had over catered and I am cheap so will jump at any offer to load up on freebies.

So my lunch and dinner were both chicken and salad wraps.  In the evening I watched my important shows, WandaVision and an embarrassing CW show.  Then watched the first season of Gummi Bears, because Disney+

Saturday I am pretty certain I didn't so much as open my door.  I just dozed and cleaned Lego and watched some youtube.

And today is going the same way.

[edit] Left house for a walk and to buy takeaways.  A little sun - something I have been avoiding.  And the loose approximation of all the exercise I need but never make myself do.

Old friends mostly forgotten

 So.  Where was I?

After the anger of Thursday I went and bought far too much junk food, then came home and cooked sensible food as I had had meat out defrosting when I hadn't realised the way the day was going to do.  Silverfern Farms stirfry that Firmin got me.

On Friday, I went to town and got some blood tests done.  The phlebotomist did what seemed an amazing job, I didn't feel a thing (though it has since come out in a huge, ugly, bruise).  And I got Great Wall for lunch and the way home.  Knowing I had sensible leftovers for dinner.

Saturday, attempts to pack led to me getting stuck under a mattress as I wrote an entry to admit already.  Somehow in the evening I got talked into going on a sort of date.  I had said I was only after a friends thing, which he turned out to be less okay with that he had suggested.  The whole thing ended up much awkwardness, with his being pushy while saying how he wasn't being push, and especially when I noticed the wedding ring as asked about it - revealing a married man who seemed to think the men his wife will never know about don't count.  Like there is a gender line on what is cheating badness.

I am reminded why I mostly avoid people.  They are often terrible.

I don't think I did anything much on Sunday.  Watched some Netflix while dusting some Lego, and then Russell T Davies' It's a Sin, which is VERY good television if very depressing.

Monday was again dusting Lego and not doing much else.  Had dinner plans to go to Nando's with Simon, Joe and Firmin.  I got there and received a big, genuinely warm, hug from Simon's friend Nic - who I don't think I have spoken to in about 12 years.  He even shouted my dinner while we caught up.

For someone it would never have occurred to me that he would even remember that I exist, it was pretty amazing.

I was reminded why I used to have such a very high opinion of him.  It wasn't just because he was one of the other people that put up with Simon back when he was less easy company than he is now.

Then I got home and Facebook popped up Nic at the front of the "People You May Know" list - one of those times that reminds you that Facebook is tracking far more than the information that you give it.

Embarrassingly stuck

 I spent a while today stuck under my mattress.

I have started the process of packing my Lego.  Even though I don't know where or when I am moving.

Part of this involved getting boxes containing the stuff I never got around to unpacking last time.  Then were under my bed, which is held together by gravity.  Lifting things up and out led to things falling apart when I accidentally knock things out of place.

That was when my body decide to feeble out.  So I was suddenly weak and slow moving with a heavy mattress wedged on top of me.  It took far too long to get the bed reassembled, and has left me utterly shattered.

I need to learn to never trust anyone.

Warning: Contains a rant of rage.

 

Had a meeting with my tenancy manager to find out about the move today.  The whole crowd got shown one of the mostly finished new units, and then we were told our allocations.

I spat the dummy.

Over several conversations throughout the earlier part of the process, the tenancy manager had said she probably wouldn't have control over who got allocated to what but said she would do what she could to either keep me in the same relative place I am or into one of the other two positions I found tolerable.  This was all in aid of making me put up with the many frustrations of the process and be complaint to the various demands and interruptions.

So the allocation happens and it turns out she got to make the decisions entirely herself.  And she moved me out of the range of places I had conceded I could work with, putting me in what is pretty much the worst unit (at least for my needs).

I am not happy.

I am very not happy with the tenancy manager herself.  Not just for putting me in a unit that is poorly suited, which could have just been bad luck and would normally require overlooking.  But for having misled me to manipulate my behaviour of the previous couple of years.

And as "I spat the dummy" might have implied, I made my unhappiness pretty clear in front of everyone.

She said she would look in to it, but that someone else had asked for the equivalent on my spot and someone having asked for it was more important than anything agreement she had ever suggested.  In fact she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about when I said I thought we had come to an agreement on it.  Maybe she forgot, or just didn't both to remember as she had said it when she didn't think she would have direct power and had never had any intention of following through.  She explained that she couldn't make everyone happy and had to take people's disabilities into account.  I was left wondering what disability requires you to live at the very top of the stairs or, in the case of the flat I most wanted, be the literally least accessible unit.

It ended up looking a lot like she was giving preference to people that sucked up to her.  She was even allocating better units to the new people who she 'can't name as they haven't signed tenancy agreements yet'.  Which is pretty damn disrespectful to the people who have had to put up with living on the building site for the last year and a half.

I will be demanding all interactions I have with them again be in writing.

My tenancy manager has proven herself untrustworthy and tainted the entire agency in the process.

I will see how her rethink goes first.  But I get the feeling I will be making some formal complaints and maybe having to interact with my MP (as unappealing as that is).

8hrs

I spent the weekend watching stuff and occasionally playing short bursts of Horizon Zero Dawn.  But mostly I have been feeling too run down to do much of anything.  So it was that I watched Staged season 2.  And a bunch of recent netflix releases.  Disenchantment seems to be holding together better this season.

And in the bits where even watching stuff was too hard, I continued with that audiobook series.

Monday followed the same.  I was so shaky and wobbly I could barely stand.  So obviously this is when I decided to cut my own hair.  The results were not fantastic.

Tuesday, I washed and went outside for the first time in rather a while (since Thursday I think).   I had washed in between, but just so I could don fresh PJs or justify fresh bed linen.  But leaving my flat... I'd rather not.  But Tuesday I went to my writing group.  And got told off for being too harsh on my own work.  Afterwards, I did some window shopping, got rained on while unprepared, got to the checkout out the supermarket while there eftpos was down forcing me to use a $50 note that my late grandmother gave me before I went to Canada and which I have had in my wallet as emergency back-up cash ever since.

On the way home I tried out the newish Indian place (it might be a year old, 2020 has done weird things to time perception and going places) in the old Brimstone.  It was a pretty good meal for $12.

Then I have been home watching movies since (including double featuring the Happy Death Day movies - they have problems).  Oh and the 8hr YouTube video about Morrowind that I watched today.  I rather enjoyed it, though appreciate actual humans have more valuable uses for their time.

Warmth

 I spent the weekend recovering from Friday.

Monday, I also failed to dress or leave the house.

On Tuesday evening, after a day of not doing the other Tuesday plans I had due to excessive wobbliness, Firmin picked me up for Nando's dinner with Simon and Joe.  Was nice acting like a human.  Was a pretty short outing as Firmin had plans for the rest of the evening and is too cool for the likes of me.

Wednesday evening, after another antisocial day this time beaten by excessive warmth rather than wobbliness, I was picked up for dinner by Bruno and Lisa and we went for dinner with Ian and then played some of the newer version of Gloomhaven, the one with the maps in the book rather than assembled.  I played the demolitionist.

Thursday, I braved the warm and left the house for lunch with Oli.  We got Hungry Hobos as the Satay place me usually go is still closed for the whole post-Christmas thing.  I should have done more stuff in town, but I was having an attack of anxiety about bumping into people.  So other than lunch with Oli, all I did was drop past my landlord's office in a failed attempt to find out when I would be moving.  And so of course on the way home from that I bumped into one of Shitlord's friends - though had a very pleasant short exchange and neither acknowledged it was all of awkwardness or that he had unfriended me from the book of face and I had been somewhat relieved by it.

Then I got home and spent the rest of the day feeling uncomfortable from the amount of cheese in the lunch, and otherwise just trying to be cooler as I blobbed on the couch too warm for anything.

Today, I lay in a cross breeze listening to more Iron Druid audiobooks.  I don't think I actually like the series, but it is entertaining enough to distract me from the unpleasant warmth.  Also, had a countdown delivery arrive this morning, so have spent the day eating too much.  Even having a mouth full of ice cream when my dietician rang to follow up[ on how well I was following her instructions.

Time to watch WandaVision.

Alcomahol is not my friend, no matter how I try. I guess I am not good at making friends.

On Thursday I washed and dressed purely so that I could go for a late dinner with Shiny and his partner (whose name I never remember even after a bunch of years).  Was a nice dinner but left me very glad I didn't date him any longer than I did, back in 2005ish.  And very impressed by his partner's patience.   We then did a bit of a drive around town and went to one of the lamer lookouts to look down on the city for a little while.

Friday I had plans with Tavendale.  We had intended to go to Promising Young Woman but the timings clashed with other plans.  So late lunch cafe-ing turned into a sitting in pubs until New New New closed for the night and sent us home.  While I mostly stuck to the non-alcoholic, the three drinks I had over the many hours people were drinking left me pretty shit faced.  I have no tolerance.  That said I picked drinks that were all very nice.  A chocolate stout at Duke of Wellington, a new new new stout and a hard soda that was all berry flavours and really didn't seem like alcohol at all.

I got home and was annoying at people.

I went to bed too late as I was too wired to sleep.

And then I still didn't sleep for ages.

And when I finally did I was awoken soon after by the nastiest leg cramps.

And more leg cramps.

And loading up on magnesium supplements at 5am, just to go back to bed for more leg cramps.

When I gave up on trying to sleep I headed to a day of wearing PJs and just lying on the couch as I have been too tired to focus on anything and my left leg is so muscle fatigued from all the cramp that I couldn't straighten it for hours and even now, well into the evening, it won't hold weight.

So winning.

All I have 'achieved' today is watching all the new season of A Discovery of Witches.  It is trash, which I knew from the first season.  But was exactly the sort of trash I expected.  With a non-ended to feed into the next season.

I aren't dead

I thought I had written more recently.  Seems I hadn't.

28th, I am pretty sure I spent at home achieving nothing.

29th, I left the house, going for lunch, some bookshopping (stalking his crush), and cafe beverage with Tavendale.

30th, my dad arrived in town for a visit.  So had lunch, some shopping, dinner and going to WW84 at the theatre with my dad and sister.

31st, I spent the entire day in my PJs.  Watched the New Year's Eve fireworks from my bedroom window.  I was feeling kind of gross and had no energy for anything.

New Years day, I started the year by leaving the house.  Tavendale took me to the new Monster Hunter movie.  It is not good.  Then we got a late lunch at Golden Harvest.  So much Chinese.  It is stupid expensive but the serving size is huge.

Then I did not wash or dress again until the 5th.  Feeling mostly too exhausted to even play computer games.  It was mostly just watching youtube and Netflix.

Monday my laziness was broken up with sulking.  I realised it had been a year since I stopped making any attempt to have things with Shitlord end on a friendly note.  When I realised there was nothing there to save.  Though I remained convincible for an ebarrasingly long time after - not that any attempt to convince me would ever be made after I failed to follow to order he gave that I immediately forgive him and be his friend again already.  I spent so long trying to justify that was his being bad at emotional stuff or it being a language thing.  Really, it was just him reminding me that he is not a person who should be in my life.  I'm not even entirely confident he is a person any more.

Yesterday I shower and dressed to go to South D to pick up a parcel that the courier didn't leave on the 30th - even though it didn't need a signature.  Apparently they didn't think it was safe to leave a Y stickered parcel on my doorstep (though they have before).  My cans of air for cleaning the Lego before I pack it up.  On the way home I bought too much junk food at Puk n Slave.  And was horrified by how no-one was checking in on their COVID tracer app as they went in.  Fucking South Dunedinites, being trash......  I can as a massive classist.

Then David messaged me about going out to dinner, so I went for Nando's with him and Claire in clothes picked assuming I was only going to South Dunedin, not around actual people.

Today that decision worked out, while zoning out on the couch having a lazy day (interspersed with brief windows of playing Cyberpunk 2077), I unintentionally picked apart the shirt - the one Shitlord gave me, the one I later found out he had bought for someone else and then given to me as he'd got the size wrong.  So now it is unwearable.  Good riddance I guess.  Was too good to thrown out just for reasons of association but now can be acceptably got rid of.

Then when checking outside my flat for my delivereasy dinner I heard a weird noise so stood in the stairs for a bit until I realised it was someone quietly asking for help.  That led to drama of calling the police and watching them kick in a neighbours door.  He had fallen and couldn't move, and was not particularly lucid.  But that was some drama and excitement - if only it hadn't been for such a depressing reason.  And such a reminder that some day I will fall and then die of dehydration on the floor, not found until the smell annoys the neighbours.