Disclaimer

Though a "Diary" my online diary is a work of FICTION.

It may at times strongly reflect actual events of my life, often how I honestly perceived them and display my genuine reactions. But not always and everything contained within should be treated as a fiction.

This is also a personal diary, so by reading it you are violating my privacy. And as it is a personal diary you are not allowed to hold anything you read in it against me, as you shouldn't have been reading it anyway.

Also, this diary is not to be read by anyone who has gone out with me, would like to go out with me in the future, or suspects I may like to go out with them.

Click Here for the old site, as backed up by Wayback Machine (I have gone with the 2007 version as it is the latest that is still before vodafone crunched a bunch of my files)

Sunday, 24 December 2000

December 2000

Varsity is over for the year, my marks are back - though i wish they weren't as they suck, and I'm a broke bum vaguely looking for a summer job and a couple of flatties for next year.

When the
When the rhythm starts to play
Dance with me
Make me sway

Like the lazy ocean hugs the shore
Hold me close
Sway with me

Like a flower bending in the wind
Bend with me
Sway with ease

Would you bet you have a way with me
Stay with me
Sway with me

4th December 2000
Guess what?
I am still alive - if you could call this a life.
Okay, so I haven't written in AGES.
Ummm, in the time since I last wrote, hmmm. Ummmmmmmm. Where to start.
Okay. I got laid off from the job I had, as the city council cut the christmas budget, so the whole team got shown the door.
My shiny new comuter is all up and going, thanks to Simon. So now I can sit and watch DVDs. The first one I played on it was "the Iron Giant" which a pretty funky, especially when I put it into German with french subtitles and made up what I thought they should be saying.
My party went really well. I took my camera and lots of fill and then didn't take a single photo. My mother didn't get many of her camera either. Which is probably a blessing in disguise, as I'd had no money to get my hair cut the week before, and it's all big and long. Though the having no photos part kinda sucks, and it was like my one chance ever to get a photo of my ex. And it would have been a really good time to get photos of lots of my friends too. And a new one of me for my web page.
It was a great night. A whole load of ppl cancelled at the last minute, and then a clump more said they'd come and didn't, but there were still plenty of ppl there, and it was all nicely over catered. It was even only mildly brought down when my ball-n-chain went off clubbing with Nice Peter and left me behind.
All up. I have to turn 21 more often, coz I got SO many presents and a GREAT party.
I think I'll do it agian in February for all the people that missed this one.
Sunday I was SO tired, having not got anything much in the way of sleep. I did the whole clean up thing. Though most of it had been done already, I just vaccuumed. Then after tea at my Grandmothers, where they gave me a big shiny UPS to protect my puter from spikes and such like.
Today I went to town with Midget and Rachel to have coffee (well pheonix cola) with Susan, and in the process SERIOUSLY check out the gorgeous cafe wroker. And then me and the Miget did some shopping, deserted me to do her own thing, so after stuffing around a bit I bumped into Nice Peter and helped him spend lots of money on music.
And thats about me done for a while longer.
Today's song quote - Sway, as sung by Anita Kelsey.

Here comes the rain again Falling on my head like a memory Falling on my head like a new emotion I want to walk in the open wind I want to talk like lovers do I want to dive into your ocean Is it raining with you So baby talk to me Like lovers do Walk with me Like lovers do Talk to me Like lovers do Here comes the rain again Raining in my head like a tragedy Tearing me apart like a new emotion Oooooh I want to breathe in the open wind I want to kiss like lovers do I want to dive into your ocean Is it raining with you So baby talk to me Like lovers do Here comes the rain again Falling on my head like a memory Falling on my head like a new emotion (Here it comes again, here it comes again) I want to walk in the open wind I want to talk like lovers do I want to dive into your ocean Is it raining with you

14th December 2000
Well this month I'm proving to be about as bad at keeping this thing as I was last month.
Admittedly, a major cause this month is I haven't done much except play Pokemon Gold, watch TV and net geek. Last week (4-8th) about all I actually got done, other than watching my DVDs, was to apply for THEA304. On the 9th Simon took me shopping for a birthday present, he almost bought me a microwave - except I'd really not feel comfortable about him spending that much on me, I feel guilty enough that he bought me two DVDs: GATTACA and Gremlins. Then Bob, a friend of ours Raj, and I had pizza and a pseudo-party-ish-thingeemy at Bob's place which made for a pretty good evening.
This week I've done a lil shopping, spent some time bugging my friends, filled in my registration for varsity next year. I've put down 62 points worth (Chem301, Engl311, Engl314, Engl315, Engl318, Engl319, Engl 368 and Thea304) I'll drop one 8 point paper at course approval though as Engl314 and Thea304 clash.
Yesterday on my actual birthday I had lunch with Susan and Bob. Susan gave me lego :o).
Today I'm being grumpy at Becky and Kez. Who stood me up last night saying they had to have drinks with next years president of the OUSA. But then went to the berach with one of their other friends and someone he is after. I'm most unamused. Lying to get out of spending time with me on my birthday, soI end up sitting at home, while they are off at the beach. *grumbles*.
And they said they would visit this morning before they left town for the summer, and they didn't.
Though I'm actually getting very used to this sort of thing from my friends.
I think I'll just give up on having friends and get a dog trained to do tricks.
But then Nina did send down the coolest birthday present. Today's song quote - The Eurythmics - Here comes the rain again.

Would I lie to you? Would I lie to you honey? Now would I say something that wasn't true? I'm asking you sugar Would I lie to you?

21st December 2000
Okay, so it's been a week, shoot me.
Last thursday night (the 14th) I went out for tea at Pizza Hut with my Aunt Judith, Uncle Frank and baby cousin Lucas. And they gave my the birthday gift of a pocket watch, so I am most happy. I've wanted a pocket watch for ages.
Friday I spent at home having a nice and quiet with lots of phone calls.
Saturday I left early in the morning to meet Tash for some shopping. After Brunch at Planet Pancake we headed up to the globe for a lesson in tolerance - how to sit through epically acting without walking out.
After that me and Tash returned to town for some more shopping, and I ended up in the tents behind the Town Hall awaiting Oliver to come out of the graduation ceremony. The rest of the day I spent with him and his family. Four of my friends all graduated so they were all at Oli's for photos and food.
Sunday through Tuesday morning I spent in constant company with the ball'n'chain. We went to Charlie's Angels on monday, which was great, and went to a friends birthday party and stuffed around lots.
Tuesday for the main part I spent at home having some dearly needed tie to myself.
Yesterday I weent shopping with Reece in the morning, had lunch with him and one of his friends and then headed home to babysit the beastly lil brother. In the evening I went to the neighbours 3rd wedding aniversary. Yay for BBQs.
Anyway, it's morning, and I've done nothing today. Today's song quote - The Eurythmics - Would I lie to you.

Christmas Time Mistletoe and wine

24th December 2000
I hate christmas.
On the 21st I did very little. At least nothing that I remember so obviously nothing to hugely noteworthy. Though I possibly did something quite noteworthy and it's just slipped my mind entirely - though I know I was babysitting for most of the day, so probably not.
Friday (22nd) was me and the ball-n-chains 3 monthaversay, and I underestimated how big it deal it was going to be, so received some costly flowers yet had no gift to return. So I had a few moments of feeling decidedly crap, before heading off for a nice lunch together and some helping each other with christmas shopping. Making for a pretty great afternoon.
Unfortunately this afternoon was capped off by a hellish evening. Dinner with the parents of mother's pet idiot. The only saving point was a visiting Wormgirl.
Yesterday I did some last minute shopping, and that was about it.
Today I got up to find out that one of my friends had lost a baby last night, which was pretty sad, though quite surreal as I hadn't even know she was pregnant.
Then the day was spent playing Pokemon Gold. Breeding baby pokemon. And the babies are SO CUTE.

Wednesday, 22 November 2000

November 2000

End of my varsity year, and start of trying to find something to do with my summer. At least I seem to have the someone to do part covered.

As the snow flies
Well on a cold and grey chicago morning
Another lonely baby child is born
In the ghetto

And his mother cries
Because if there's one thing that she don't need
It's another hungry babies mouth to feed
In the ghetto

2nd November 2000
Okay, I left off in a DAMN weird place last time. Actually, at a point almost exactly a week ago.
Okay, Friday had a VERY crap exam as it's major feature. Fortunately the day was somewhat redeemed by the great date I had that evening. Yay for human electric blankets - now that has to be a reasonably fresh way of inducing the "too much information" response from the readers. Okay, I could throw in some graphic details, but this isn't THAT kind of web site.
Saturday I should have been catching up on the sleep I missed in the night before, but I wasn't. I was finding reason to avoid study for the exam I was to have on Monday. In the evening I watched The Craft with Amy, and ate LOTS of crap food. All was good, till Amy left and I was stuck babysitting till damn late - thus last times screwy entry.
Sunday was a mixture of study, TV and Final Fantasy V (the original Super Nintendo verion). And that was about it.
Monday's exam went quite well, I feel I may have got me a B. Then in the afternoon I had a very pleasant surprise visit - that injected something approximating romance into what may possibly be considered the relationship I'm in. So it was muchly a good day.
Tuesday, i got talked into taking a week pass for Les Mills, then walked around town delivering some more of my 21st invitations. I have about half delivered now. I also had a tarot reading done, which was pretty cool. I think i shall have to let Vishala practise fortune telling on me more often - it was fun.
Yesterday I did about 90 minutes on the weights machines at Les Mills with a personal trainer, which was pretty cool. And the rest of the day was pretty uneventful. The only other big bit was putting games onto Rob's computer to keep him busy and out of Nina's hair.
Today I stuffed around before going to lunch with Becky, Kez and my partner - who only made a cameo walk through. After me, Becky, Kez and Raj did a touch of window shopping and then I headed home, via a long chin-wagging session with Nina. And that's about my day.
Today's song quote courtesy of nowhere, I'm listening to it as I write. Damn Natalie Merchant and Tracy Chapman duet well.

Ophelia was a bride of God
A novice Carmelite,
In sister cells, the cloister bells,
tolled on her wedding night
Ophelia was the rebel girl,
A blue-stockinged suffragette
Who remedied society between her cigarettes
And Ophelia was the sweetheart to a nation overnight
Curvaceous thighs, vivacious eyes
Love was at first sight,
Love was at first sight, love
Ophelia was a demi-goddess
In pre-war Babylon
So statuesque, a silhouette
In black, satin evening gowns
Ophelia was the mistress to a Vegas gambling man
Signora Ophelia Maraschina
Mafia courtesan
Ophelia was the circus queen, the female cannonball
Projected through five flaming hoops
To wild and shocked applause
To wild and shocked applause
Hey, he-he-he-he-hey,
Ophelia was a tempest, cyclone, a god-damned hurricane
Your common sense, your best defense lay wasted and in vain
For Ophelia'd know your every woe and every pain you'd ever have
She'd sympathize and dry your eyes
Help you to forget
And help you to forget
And help you to forget
Ophelia's mind went wandering
You'd wonder where she'd gone
To secret doors down corridors
She'd wander them alone
All alone

9th November 2000
Okay. In the last week I've done very little. Saturday I went to Marie's 21st and then did some dancing with the old-ball-and-chain. It was a fun night. I'm quite getting into this whole being spoken for thing.
Sunday I was all hayfevery and playing final fantasy all day.
Monday, ditto.
Tuesday I went into the gym and spent a couple of hours playing on the machines, having fun, and checking out the eye-candy.
Wednesday (yesterday) I had a workout with Beau, a gym instructor at Les Mills with a bit of a sadistic streak. He made me keep going until I just plain couldn't grip anything anymore. I spent the whole afternoon completely unable to reach across myself, I could even touch my shoulders till this morning.
Okay, today I started to freak out over my chem exam. It the day after tomorrow and I still know practically nothing. And my study break to visit Nina today stretched out for AGES, though was lots of fun. We went to see Boot Men at the movies. It's a fun movie, even if not particularily good. Dang, I have to learn how to spell.
Thrill of the day was seeing a big nasty spider with a red U-shape on its back crawling over the grape boxes behind the Gardens New World. I SO wished I had a jar so I could catch it and give it too my mother.
Anyways, I have serious study to do, so I can scrape though in this exam.
Today's song quote courtesy of this site.

I wanna be
Twist Barbie
I wanna be
Twist Barbie
I wanna be
Twist Barbie

22nd November 2000
Long time, no seamonkey.
okay well, 10th of November I spend in deep study.
11th in an exam and then have a hot and dirty night with the ball-n-chain.
12th - started playing Final Fantasy VIII on mum's playstation.
Monday the 13th, work and playstation.
Tuesday the 14th, work, playstation and Becky's party. Came home on the bus which left Musselburgh at 11.56pm. The driver had locked the till so the ride was free :o).
Wednesday the 15th, the Holy day of rest (ie. LOTS of playstationing). Oh and of course - it was Buffy night. Yay for Buffy. I think I'm in luv with Faith.
Thursday the 16th, playstation, work, lunch with the ball-n-chain, came home and made jelly, took jelly mold to neighbours housewarming, played trivial pursuit and got to bed well after midnight.
Friday the 17th. Ummmm, I spent the day waiting to be rung about work and then had me a nice quiet date.
Saturday. Ummm, I don't remember having done anything. the day was probably consumed by playstation. Sunday the 19th, ditto Saturday.
Monday the 20th. Work for a few hours and comp geeking.
Tuesday the 21st and today. Web geeking.
I saw the COOLest flat today, so if we can find extra ppl, me and Karen are SO gonna live there. We just need two more ppl.
Shameful thing is how few ppl have RSVPed for my 21st. But then considering how many invites I have left to deliver.....
I'm kinda worried about who some ppl are gonna bring with them though. I should have been clear and said it was invite only, and not let Andrea bring a partner......
okay, that was harsh, I should stop before I offend anyone other than she.
Today's song quote is a product of Shonen Knife.

Saturday, 28 October 2000

October 2000

Spring has sprung (is that snow?) - the season of lust has been, and lo and behold I'm in something of a relationship (okay, we haven't sat and discussed if the word "relationship" is allowed to be applied yet, but I shall anyway. Actually, even "going out" seems more than I'm allowed to say. I'm quite tempted to think I'm something of an embarrassment for reasons more than just my spelling).

Two weeks in a Virginia jail
For my lover for my lover
Twenty thousand dollar bail
For my lover for my lover

And everybody thinks
That I'me the fool
But they don't get
Any love from you

The things we won't do for love
I'd climb a mountain if I had to
And risk my life so I could have you
You, you, you...

Everyday I'm psychoanalyzed
For my lover for my lover
They dope me up and I tell them lies
For my lover for my lover

I follow my heart
And leave my head to ponder
Deep in this love
No man can shake
I follow my heart
And leave my mind to wonder
Is this love worth
The sacrifices I make

2nd October 2000
Okay Thursday (28 Sept) wasn't too bad. I had a class at 8am, did some stuff at home, went in for lunch with my significant other - who was about 90 minutes late, but that was okay. Then we parted as I had a lab, which it turned out I didn't - so we could have spent the afternoon together but didn't. Dash it all.
Friday, my theatre class didn't get to my play - so I miss out on peer feed back :o(. But I guess I'll survive. Then I went to the lunch time theatre - which was weird but pretty groovy. Then I went home to dress myself up for the dinner date we had planned, which went rather nicely if I do say so myself. Anyone who can handle lunch time theatre with me, and a dinner date complete wth me having a random bleeding nose all in one day and still seem enthuasiastic gets full marks in my books. SO I'm all happy like.
Saturday. Ummmm, I know Saturday must have happened but I don't remember any of it...... Wait, I went to my Aunt Judith's for a visit, and had my cousin Lucus squealling with laughter. He's about 21 mounths now, and SO cute like. And then we got fish and chips for tea, for the first time in ages. And I did nothing much that night - possibly played The Sims, though I honestly remember nothing of the night.
Yesterday I orgainised all my files, backed then up on zip disk (which took hours), transferred then from the zip disks on my mother puter (again taking ages) and then onto a CD. And that sucked up my day.
Today, I wasted some more of my life away. The high point was gettng my boots fixed at the shoe repair place and only getting charged $5.00.
Well, I shall return to the monotony of my life now.
Today's song quote courtesy of.

would it be wrong if I should
surrender all the joy in my life
go with her tonight? 

my love is gone she suffered long
in hours of pain
my love is gone
would it be wrong if I should
just turn my face away from the light
go with her tonight?

4th October 2000
Frustrated much.
Yesterday had a class, and a whole lot of time spent at uni achieving nothing noteworthy. I met Rachael's sister and father when I visited her on a mission of chemistry. Which was pretty cool, but otherwise the day was pretty wasted. Even if I did get through a little CHEM302 homework.
Today I slept in, as I really needed it, and still feel wasted and wishing I could have just died in my sleep. Possibly I'm not fully recovered from the last bug I had, but this sort of thing has been going on for a while noew, so I possibly have something more serious wrong, which would muchly bite.
Then after my CHEM302 lecture - the last one - and the SGM - I headed home to start slaving over a very late CHEM343 assignment I only just realised I hadn't actually done, just to discover that I'm too thick and don't get any of it. So I'm just not gonna do it, as my chances of passing the subject anyway are muchly non-existant.
So I'm having a break now before I go insane and kill people - my brain is feeling like mush, and the having just spent the afternoon getting frustrated about how little I understand Pilot-plant Distillation Columns. I am really coming to LOATHE process technology. Not that I was ever a massive fan of it, in fact - when told by Neil (one of the lecturers) to tell everything I'd learned fromt he experiment in the abstract it took all my will-power not to write "that I'd rather die than do this for a living".
Anyway, my mother and the idiot she is shacked up with are screaming about something pointless, so I'm going to sit with my ears blocked reminding myself that society frowns upon murder.
Today's song quote courtesy of.

there u go,lookin' pitiful 
just because i let u go 
there u go,talkin' 'bout u want me back 
but sometimes it be's like that 
there u go,talkin' 'bout u miss me so 
that u love me so,i let u go 
there u go cause you're lies got old 
look at u,there u go 

please don't come around 
talk about how u changed 
how u said good-bye 2 what's-her-name 
all it sounds like is new game 
and i was right when i thought 
i'd be much better off without u 
had 2 get myself from 'round u 
cause my life was all about u

8th October 2000
Okay, Thursday (5th) I got some help with my CHEM343 assignment and worked out what I was ment to do, so spent a few hours in the chem department teaching computer lab working on it. Then at lunch I got VERY annoyed with my pseudo-partnerish-thing who was snobbing me. I was NOT amused. But then it's what I get for liking an arythmic lout. After that I spent a chunk of the afternoon with my Becky-Bo and Kezia getting cheered up.
Friday (6th), from 8am to 3pm I was at uni doing work, most of it chemistry - only taking a break to go to my theatre class. Fun, fun, fun. In my next life I want to be on a world where noone ever studies chemistry. Than night I was on the gate at a Free Tibet rave. Five hours standing on a very wet Founder's Feild. To far away from the music to hear it over the generator we had. Getting splashed by the cars. Oh what a FUN night that was.
Yesterday, I spent most of the day in recovery mode. Then Amy came round and we watched a rather bitchy doco about Dusty Springfeild, and ate M&Ms. Then I walked Amy most of the way home, as I was going to Marie's anyway. After a quick stop over there it was off for a night of dancing. We met up with Becky-Bo and Kezia, both of whom - on the dance floor - I was all over like a nasty rash, once we reached the club and then it was dance, dance, dance. My ex was there, and for the first time ever, we actually danced together for a bit, with was muchly weird. It was pretty much a very fun night, and it was so nice to be able to spent the whole night dancing with rhythm, something I have been unable to do too much of lately. Damn me for having fallen for one of the arythmic.
Today was pretty much a non-event. Only good parts, tea with my granparents, and getting one of my Sims to be CEO of a computer programming company.
Today's song quote courtesy of.

It's Hard to Be Humble
Artist: Mac Davis

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way
I can't wait to look in the mirror 'cause I get better lookin' each day
To know me is to love me I must be a hell of a man
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble but I'm doing the best that I can

I used to have a girlfriend but I guess she just couldn't compete
With all of these love-starved women who keep clamoring at my feet
Well, I prob'ly could find me another, but I guess they're all in awe of me
Who cares I never get lonesome 'cause I treasure my own company

I guess you could say I'm a loner, a cowboy outlaw tough and proud
Oh I could have lots of friends if I wanna, but then I wouldn't stand out in a crowd
Some folks say that I'm egotistical. Hell, I don't even know what that means
I guess it has something to do with the way that I fill out my skin-tight bluejeans

9th October 2000
Okay, I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing today, as I have noting to say. I've done nothing all day. Well, I played a little Sims, and got Thomas to be an InfOverlord, which is a cross between Bill Gates and a deity. And then from 9:30 till sometime early this evening I was working on my play and getting nowhere fast. I suck at editing. And I really should be doing some chemistry work, as thats due on friday. Darn my life.
Today's song quote courtesy of.

Oh Starry Night

     I've waited all my life  
     For the day when love appears  
     Like a fairy tale in days gone by  
     He will rescue me from my fears  

     And now I feel him standing close to me  
     And how can I tell him what he means to me  
     My heart stands still - has he come?  

     Oh starry night  
     Is this the moment I dream of?  
     Oh starry night  
     Tell me, is he my own true love?  

     Every night I think of him  
     Here in my lonely room  
     Waiting for my prince to come  
     Wondering if he'll be here soon  

     And I sit patiently, waiting for a sign  
     And I hope that his heart longs for mine  
     He calls my name, is he the one?  

     Oh starry night  
     Is this the moment I dream of?  
     Oh starry night  
     Tell me, is he my own true love?  

     Oh starry night  
     Is this the moment I dream of?  
     Oh starry night  
     How will I know  
     Will his love show?  
     Is he my own true love?

14th October 2000
Wow. Long time, no write.
Tuesday (10th) I again got nowhere fast on the work front. In the evening I got dragged off by my dykes to see Karen Hunter playing at Arc. It was pretty impressive, she has an AMAZING voice. Downside, there were too many ppl there smoking things they shouldn't have been. So me being me, on the way home I was grumbly because I couldn't photosynthesise in the dark. I was only the next day that I thought, but wait, I can't photosynthesise anyway.
Wednesday (11th) i had a meeting with Simon (my theatre lecturer) about my play, which was pretty useful. And that evening I had the OUSA christmas party - at which I had a very disturbing game of "I have never". There are some things you just don't want to know about people. And then I dashed home in time for Buffy.
Thursday (12th), I actually did some work. In fact thursday was muchly work related.
Yesterday was most similar. Hard out work till mid-afternoon. Then after a brief stint at babysitting I was out on the town, for a date. Though there is something very fourth form about calling them dates. Anyway, we ate, then went to Saving Grace, which was a plain cool flick. I shall recommend it to all you readers (all three of you).
This morning I slept WAY in. Which was pretty nice. And I've had a quite day of Napster downloads and book reading.
I thought of something really witty to write just before, but I seem to have forgotten it. Oh, well. I think it was the sick kind of witty anyway.
Today's song quote courtesy of.

If all you've got to prove today is your innocence
Calm down
You're as guilty as can be
But as all you've got to lose alludes to yesterday
Yesterdays through
Now do anything you please

19th October 2000
I am really starting to suck at remembering to write in this thing.
Okay, Saturday night, I think I spent in book reading, though it's so long along I don't really remember. Following that was a Sunday of pure procrastination. I achieved practically nothing. Though did do some work on my THEA203 assignment in the evening.
Monday, I did a very small amount on my THEA203, then had lunch an went shopping with my Becky and her Keys. And in the evening I lamented the fact I was to be poor the next day.
Tuesday (17th) I went into town in the morning and extracted $1,200 to pay for my computer upgrade. All the bits except one I got at the time, and it will all be assembled next week when that final bit arrives. Infact it's such a complete upgrade the only bits I'm keeping are my disk drive, hard drive, mouse and screen. And the hard drive and screen will be replaced over the holidays. So considering I have a spare mouse anyway, once I replace the hard drive and get the screen I'm getting for my 21st, I'll only be an A: short of have two full computers, so once I get a replacement floppy drive for the computer I have now I'll be able to sell it off as a complete 'puter. And it isn't too bad a wee thing.
Tuesday also featured a far too short lunch date with that significant other that's tying me down :oþ. It was pretty good, but I get seriously rained on, so hide at Wormgirl's place for a while while the rain passed, and in the process stole back my Tracy Chapman CD.
Wednesday I did some homework but otherwise just wasted my life away through the day. In the evening I headed of to Nina's for her 21st celebration. And was there for a couple of hours before usng Buffy as an excuse to get away as there were too many ppl there, and I wasn't in the mood for crowds.
Today I finished my play and handed it in. Had lunch with the ball-n-chain, my Becky and Keys. And that's about my day. Damn my life is all dull and so much of it is waste. Oh well.

Trouble me, disturb me with all your cares and your worries. Trouble me on the days when you feel spent. Why let your shoulders bend underneath this burden when my back is sturdy and strong? Trouble me.
Speak to me, don't mislead me, the calm I feel means a storm is swelling; there's no telling where it starts or how it ends. Speak to me, why are you building this thick brick wall to defend me when your silence is my greatest fear? Why let your shoulders bend underneath this burden when my back is sturdy and strong? Speak to me.
Let me have a look inside these eyes while I'm learning. Please don't hide them just because of tears. Let me send you off to sleep with a "There, there, now stop your turning and tossing." Let me know where the hurt is and how to heal.
Spare me? Don't spare me anything troubling. Trouble me, disturb me with all your cares and you worries. Speak to me and let our words build a shelter from the storm. Lastly, let me know what I can mend. There's more, honestly, than my sweet friend, you can see. Trust is what I'm offering if you trouble me.

22nd October 2000
Friday, day time. Ummmm, lets see. *Thinks back*. I went into varsity at lunch time tovisit Bex, and then did some window shopping. In the evening I went to a party with Bex and Kez and Raj and Luke and that ball-n-chain of mine. It was pretty fun, though I was being one of those evil excessive PDA people. It was pretty fun.
Saturday morning I lay in bed reading and then stuffed around for ages trying to find my pencil case, which was providing no evidence it had ever existed except in my memory. Eventually I gave up and headed into town to meet up with Hans and go to Les Mills.
Okay, I am scared of gyms. Not for any real reason, but just because I am. So I got there, and even as a one time guest I had a whole big pile of paper work to half-heartedly fill out. Then we got ready and went and sat in Studio 3, at the very top of the Les Mills staircase. A big room with lots of windows, providing a beautiful view of the neighbouring building's rooves. Then the instructors come in. Sarah and Giles, both looking like immigrants from Planet Beautiful. The class got going, with it's four guys, and fifty plus women. Now that's what I call gender balance :oÞ. An hour later I was VERY sweaty and embarrased by my slow reaction times and lack of co-ordination. Though I was picked up again by the spiel of false flattery Giles gave me on the way out about what an exceptional first attempt I'd made. And I am easily won over by false flattery.
On the way home I stopped by Wormgirl's and ended up spending the rest of the day light hours with her. A fair chunk of which sitting in Woodhaugh. Which was all nice, and a good chance to bitch. Then I curlled up in bed, did a little reading and much sleeping.
Today I finished the book I was reading, Pasquale's Angel by Paul J. McAuley. And broke into another Blood Music by Greg Bear. The former was great - though not his best. The latter is pretty good so far, a very promising start anyway.
Other than that, and downloading lots off Napster, today has achieved little. I shall really have to start studying tomorrow. Or I shall become even more skilled at failure.
Today's song quote courtesy of.

Take me now, baby, here as I am
Hold me close, try and understand
Desire is hunger is the fire I breathe
Love is a banquet on which we feed 

Come on now, try and understand
The way I feel under your command
Take my hand, come under cover
They can't hurt you now 

Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to lust
Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to us

23rd October 2000
I woke up this morning and I felt great, till I moved my arms. my whole body had recovered from body Combat except my triceps, which still REALLY hurt. I finished Blood Music and now have a very favourable opinion of Greg Bear as it is a very readible novel. And a fair lot of fun too.
At some I should really start that whole study thing, as my exams are now really close, and I'm so not prepared.
Today's song quote courtesy of.

No-one on earth could feel like this.
I'm thrown and overblown with bliss.
There must be an angel
Playing with my heart.
I walk into an empty room
And suddenly my heart goes "boom"!
It's an orchestra of angels
And they're playing with my heart.

25th October 2000
On the evening of the 23rd my mother decided to make invites for my 21st. I would have used a baby photo and something witty and slightly uestionable written under it. She, on the other hand, went for random clip-art and boring text. Oh well. And then she got the list of who I'd thought up so far to invite and added LOTS of people, most of them relatives and similar understandable connections, but a few were just friends of hers whom I could see no reason to invite.
Yesterday morning I got up, and all my bits were working again. Yay for muscle recovery and the eventually fading of pain.
Well, i almost started study yesterday morning. I sat and watched my notes and almost opened them. Eventually I realised what a waste of time that was so headed into town to drop off a couple of invites to my party, apply for my Community Wage: Student and return a library book. Several hours later I found myself at home, and actually opening my notes.
Then after studying over three lectures I took a study break that ended up consuming the whole evening and with me getting stuck into an addictive emulated computer game.
Today I've done a bit more study, and have a WHOLE lot more to go. Especially given how nothing I have read in my study has made any sense at all.
Today's song quote courtesy of.

If lust and hate is the candy, if blood and love tastes so sweet,
then we give 'em what they want. Hey, hey, give 'em what they
want.
      So their eyes are growing hazy 'cos they wanna turn it on,
so their minds are soft and lazy. Well, hey, give 'em what they
want.

26th October 2000
I LOATHE BIOPROCESS CHEMISTRY.
Mental Note: I would rather die than be an industrial chemist.
Today has had too much study not going anywhere and too must frustration at my own lack of mental aptitude.
Atleast I had a lunch break that involved criminal amounts of PDA. It's amazing how much I'm not against PDA so much now that it's me doing it.
But then it was back to study. And the more I do, the less I think I'm gonna get in my exam. Wahoo for being a thick loser boy.
Today's song quote courtesy of.

Here comes the rain again
Falling on my head like a memory
Falling on my head like a new emotion
I want to walk in the open wind
I want to talk like lovers do
I want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you

So baby talk to me
Like lovers do
Walk with me
Like lovers do
Talk to me
Like lovers do

28th October 2000
I loathe my Mother.
Only Thursday night, the night before my exam she yelled that she was off to do groceries, which happens every week and I'm vaguely okay with. But then she doesn't get home till after 11, and I'm stuck awake in the house with my beastly lil brother. Not the best way to get on side with me, especially as I had really wanted an early night. Then to make matters worse Ihas a really surreal dream about one of my friends who I had just found out was in hospital, and the characters from Final Fantasy V acting out my play and then slowly crumbing into the Rayleigh equation. They also had corrected the mistake in my play that I had planned tobut forgot before I handed it in a week before. SO this lead to my waking up around 4 in the morning, as most grumpy boy. okay it's now 29th October and I need sleep.
Today's song quote courtesy of.

Wednesday, 27 September 2000

September 2000

Spring is here - the season of lust.

And you really don't remember, was it something that he said? 
Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria? 
Gloria, don't you think you're fallin'? 
If everybody wants you, why isn't anybody callin'? 
You don't have to answer 
Leave them hangin' on the line, oh-oh-oh, calling Gloria 
Gloria (Gloria), I think they got your number (Gloria) 
I think they got the alias (Gloria) that you've been living under (Gloria) 
But you really don't remember, was it something that they said? 
Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria?

1st September 2000
[Enter, stage left, one very happy Matthew]
Yesterday I stuffed around all morning watching Pokemon 2000: the Power Of One on video CD. It's pretty crap. Better than the first one, though that isn't hard.
Then I was off to my lunch date - which went really well, we chatted and planned for a proper dinner date the next day (today).
Then on thursday night I found out one of my friends is quite sick and in hospital :o(, whichbput on downer on what had been a great - if very wet - day.
Today, once again started slowly. I stayed in my nice warm bed reading and listening to LPs for a while, then got up and prepared to go and help my Becky with a forum thingee she and my wicked step mother were running. Then it was off to the gyno ward at the Dunedin Hospital to do some nervous waiting. Followed by some mad rush father's day shopping, a quick spat of baby sitting and then heading in for the dinner date.
We met at tech (and yes, I'm almost over my irrational bigotry about the place - as scary as that is) and headed into town to decide where to go. Jizo - yummy Japanese food. We sat there for ages talking, annd eating, and drinking rice tea. It was really nice. And then we went to The Patriot, which was long and not overly good. But the company was great, so I still had a damn good time. And then the night wound down, a good night kiss on the cheek, me standing like a fool watching the Sheil Hill bus pull away, and then a quite walk home. And that was my night - and I'm way up on cloud nine, and shan't be down again for a while.
Today's song quote courtesy of

It feels like
It feels like I'm in love

2nd September 2000
Last night when I was writing this I was really tired, so I apologise if it's grammatically insane. But that happens with me at the best of times anyway.
Today I've done very little. Had an extremely pleasant, if mildly full of extended pauses, phone conversation. I'm really holding out for this to all work. And I kind of think it might. Even if we are all cute and awkward-like around each other.
Anyway, now I really must go do the whole homework thing.
I got a phone call a couple of hours ago. Wahoo. two phone calls inthe same day, I really am in with a chance. We chatted a bit about nothing in particular and then Matthew is shot down in flames. I should have known as soon as things started seeming good that the words "I really like you and I think we should be friends" were just around the corner. And then to listen as they were followed up by "I really don't want anyone to get hurt". Why don't I get a say in this. I'd rather risk getting hurt, than never chance it at all. But no, it's not my decision so I just say that it's okay and that I understand. Yet somehow me the high lord of unconvincing liers found someone who'd believe one so obvious.
I knew it as soon as I started feeling good about it, I was setting myself up at the top of a pretty big downer. And down I go.
Okay - I could draw hope from the fact it was "friends, and see where it goes from there". But that's just what one says when giving the friends speech.
So then I went and watched a random videoed off sky movie that was sitting on the pile in Mother's room. Nervous Energy, which turned out to be one of those sappy crap arse HIV movies that always piss me off. So I spent the duration of it venting anger at the BBC for making such crap movies. And then when it finished I had to go back to being angry at myself for having let myself build it up so much.
That's the last time I'm ever being attracted to anyone. Let alone getting along with anyone or considering the possibility of a relationship. I'm going to be a lonely old bachelor who walks his stuffed cat on a leash - and I probably shan't even be sane enough to put rollerskates on it first. I'll be mostly bald, with a few stays poking out on humorous angles and children will mock me openly in the streets. That's the life I have before me. Though who knows, with the marks I'm gettng in chem - I could still be there repeating the papers I'm doing now for the eightieth time - the looney smelly old fart in the back row.
Though with any luck i'll eat myself into oblivion, dying of a heart attack before I'm thirty.
Actually, this grumpy boy should stop writing, before I say something I might regret, and I try not to edit entries after I write them and all. So I think it's better that I just don't write some things.

Only the lonely Know how I cry

5th September 2000
On sunday i spent the day split between assignmenting and going to my grandmothers for tea, and then being forced to visit various friends of mother's on the way home - when i was trying to get back to my homework. Especially as I was extra behind after an hour long phone conversation about nothing in particular with Codename:Bob, that only ended when my mother started yelling about how I was wasting time.
Yesterday (Monday), I spent most of in the chem building and science library trying to make sense of my Chem343 assignment. Which eventually happened. On the way home I had a nice long visit with Nina, who I hadn't seen in over a week as she'd gone home to Wellington for the holidays. So that was great. I love my Nina to pieces. And I had a fair bit of grumbling to do, and she is always willing to listen and shamelessly take my side on everything.
Last night my computer was away getting a new hard drive. So now instead of a very full 6.4 GB, we have a mostly empty 20 GB. Yay for bigger hard drives. The downside was I had to entertain myself for an evening without the net, or homework - as all my assignments are on this thing. So I finished off a novel I've been reading. Darwinia by Robert Charles Wilson. As much as it has a dumb arse title, it is a damn good book. There are a couple of places where you can tell the editor was asleep, but otherwise it is very good and I'd heartily recommend it to anyone who likes scifi or fantasy type books.
Now it is morning, and rainy, so I'm fixing all the short cuts for my lil brother and stuffing around before I go to my CHEM304 lecture - though I am yet to finish my CHEM304 assignments, and I have a play to write this week. Dash it all.
I am SO considering the jumping under a bus for the extentions it'd get me.
Anyway, must go.That's it. I give up. I have no idea what is happening around me.
During my lectures this morning, one of my friends was acting exceptionally out of character and it had me really worried. I found out in the afternoon that it was because some people had done some truely horrid to her over the holidays and she wasn't handling it perfectly. I'm so glad the people I know all seem to be nicer than that. Well, atleast, as far as I know.
I spent my afternoon lab planning a lab with Rachael and John, next week in CHEM304 we shall be experimenting on the effect of pH on the colour of red wine, and extablishing its effectiveness as an indicator. Which is looking to be a lot of fun.
After the lab I went to Wormgirl's, kidnapped her, took her to the bank and paid her the money I owed her. Far too much effort just to pay someone back, but I walked around and chatted with her for quite a while which was fun. (damn I just finished two paragraphs in a row with the word 'fun' but my brain is all frozen up and I can't think of another adjective thingee)
The this evening I made a phone call I shouldn't have. Having been given the "friends" speech on Saturday, I really shouldn't have been ringing, but I did. And it's all like nothing happened. Maybe I happened to have been given the "friends" speech from the one person on the planet that doesn't know it's a nice-ish (for the person giving it) way to dump someone.
Though that seems a tad too optimistic on my part.
Anyway, I'm just not gonna think about it anymore. I'm going to go and sleep, so tomorrow I can start the ridiculous amount of assignments I have due this week. I have 20% (in the form of three lab reports) due for CHEM304 and 30% (in the form of a half hour play) due for THEA203. And I have done practically nothing on any of it. And, dash it all, I can't warp the space time continuim.

The evening breeze Shall start the trees to sighing And the moon will hide its light When you get the Blues in the night

9th September 2000
Wednesday, I did a far swag of my CHEM304 assignments, working right up to Buffy time, and even during her ad breaks. Thursday ran much the same, until 6:30ish that evening I was either in class or working on my CHEM304 work.
On Thursday evening Stew (who was once my net-stalker) came to visit, and after only a brief contact with my mother, he declared she was the reason behind all my depressive/grumpy spells. It was pretty cool catching up with him, as a hardly ever talk to him nowdays - considering before we met we'd been exchanging emails every other day for about 18 months. I even received a phone call from Codename: Bob, and felt SO guilty for ignoring Stew while he was visiting. Then I started into my play.
Friday, a class at 8am, then working on my play till my 11am lecture, then going to the lunchtime theatre with Bob. It wasn't too shabby as they go. Then I rushed home and madly finished my play, which I handed in a whole 15 minutes before it was due.
Last night was spent stuffing around in town with Karen and Tashanaaron. Which was fun, though I spent too much.
Today is where the real spending too much came in. I went to by Bob a birthday present, and thought I should get myself some pants at the same time. So I go into Hallensteins, and the woman eventually talks me into buying three pairs, spending $130 I can't really affort to spend, and it's likely the $19 pair are the only ones that'll get much wear, as I rather like them. It's just the two full price ones which are a tad too Hallensteins-y.
And the present I got in the end were kinda crappier than what I'd planned, but my mind just could not come up with anything better. Actually, I should really go get ready for this party. Oh, and if you are bored enough to be reading this, you should read my play, it's on my writing page. Tell me what you think. Byes.

When's your birthday? Whats your middle name? Who's your hero? What's your favorite flavor ice cream can you tell me tell me this? Are you Aries, are you on the cusp of cancer? Gonna get to know you better-- What? No it's not a quiz! Well you can trust me now we'll dig a little deeper Let's trade numbers, Let's trade beepers I can find you anyplace Hey why you lookin at your watch? We haven't had desert- it's still early just 8:30 only our first date. I wanna know do you love me yet? Do you feel the same, am I your everything? I wanna know, isn't true love great? C'mon and tell me, when's your birthday?

10th September 2000
I was all ready all dolled up to head to Bob's birthday dinner at Bennu. I grabbed the present and didn't even make it over my lawn before I was lying on my back in inch deep thick mud. My brand new microfibre cargos coated and my jacket a mess. So I had to change, into second tier clothing and my DAMN ugly jacket. Typical Matthew's life. And then I was half an hour late by the time I cleaned up. Though there were other's who were later, which mildly redeems things.
I had convinced Bob the present from me was going to be a chocolate phallus. So I carefully wrapped the candle and soft toy frog into a tapered cylinder. The look of absolute "no - please don't have done it" terror made it ALL worth while. I am such a meany.
The pizzas we got at Bennu were SO yummy. A tad on the expensive side, but you expect that. After eats we headed to Feul to do some cake eating and some dancing.
And through clubbing I realise what a screwy pseudo-relationship I am in. I have no idea where it's going, every time I try to move it forward I hit a wall and every time I give up on it, it suddenly heats up. Though I'm pretty sure it'll never actually happen. It'll just taunt me with it's own possibilty, but I shall be left alone. Though it's what I get for falling for someone so much better looking than I.
Today's song quote courtesy of

Am I dreamin' or stupid? I think I've been hit by Cupid But no one needs to know right now I met a tall, dark and handsome man And I've been busy makin' big plans But no one needs to know right now I got my heart set, my feet wet And he don't even know it yet But no one needs to know right now I'll tell him someday some way somehow But I'm gonna keep it a secret for now I want bells to ring, a choir to sing The white dress the guests the cake the car the whole darn thing But no one needs to know right now I'll tell him someday some way somehow But I'm gonna keep it a secret for now We'll have a little girl a little boy A little Benji we call Leroy But no one needs to know right now And I'm not lonely anymore at night And he don't know only only he can make it right And I'm not lonely anymore at night And he don't know only only he can make it right I'm not dreamin' or stupid But boy have I been hit by Cupid But no one needs to know right now No one needs to know right now...

12th September 2000
Yesterday I did crap all. I went to my eight am lecture, met up with Codename:Bob and Tina in passing and walked them to their respective classes, then headed home to do my CHEM343 poster. And ended up playing Theme Hospital till it was time to run in for my 11am lecture. I am such a slacker.
Then my afternoon lab was kinda fun. I was teamed up with a couple of complete flakes, I mean, they were almost as flakey as me. And one was quite shaggable. Not that I should be thinking those sort of thoughts in a Chem lab.
I visited Nina on my way home, and spent some time dumping the screwy little problems of my screwy little life on her. Then last night I made a super human effort at not doing my lab assignment, which by then was already quite late.
Today I spent in bed till about 9:30. Wrapped up warm and listening to Natalie Merchant, Tracy Chapman and Cass Elliot. The perfect was to start a day.
Then between my one lecture and my lab class I went shopping with the Midget. Getting a birthday present for someone. That was followed by a lab playing with the UV-Vis spectra of wine at extremes of pH with Rachael and Jon. And then heading home and actually starting into my CHEM343 thing, which is only a day and a half late. Though it'll be about four days late by the time I get it done.
And thats about all I have to say right now.
Today's song quote courtesy of, and dedicated to Wormgirl.

I know I'm not the only flower you see But what could I expect You are a good looking bee

14th September 2000
Yesterday was my beastly lil brother's birthday. Which meant we did the whole present opening ritual in the morning. Whoop, whoop - getting got out of bed in the morning so I could give a present to my brother, oh, so many flavours of fun. Then I lazed about for a while playing Theme Hospital before heading off to my last CHEM304 lecture - which was SO cool. I feel quite ripped off about how few lectures it has as the stuff is all SO cool.
Then I visited the Wormgirl, who'd already read my diary entry from the day before - how tragic is that. And stuff around for a few hours with her, even thouh the plan had just been to drop off her decidedly late 21st present and come home to do my CHEM343 poster (which still hasn't happened).
Last night I had the Chemistry Department Third Year Dinner to attend. It was great. Lots of yummy lebanese food mostly paid for by the department. And yummy cake afterward. MMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. The company could have been improved on though - too many people talking chem *shudders*.
Today I had an 8am lecture. Have pity for me. And it was nasty CHEM343, which has too much math and which I am too thick to understand. Then I came home and watched Dharma and Greg and Ally McBeal which I videoed since I wasn't home last night. Then it was back to uni to lunch with my Becky. Yay for my Becky - future mother of my children. I love her to pieces.
This afternoon was filled with four hours of Organic lab - in which I found I had made the wrong product - again. I am yet to actually get the correct product for anything in the CHEM302 labs. Somehow fits in my life. Nothing ever quite working out quite how I plan, even though I seem to be doing everyting right.
Anyway, I really must do my CHEM343 poster tonight.

If at first you don't succeed

17th September 2000
Friday I was feeling kinda crappy, so other than classes I spent the day at home stuffing around and generally doing nothing. (okay, my brain isn't working and I can't think how to spell anything so i'll be keeping to little baby monosyllabic words wherever possible). Though I spent a big chunk of the evening trying my hand at Final Fantasy VIII, which is okayish I guess. I also had a serious crampy thing going on in my foot.
Yesterday I stuffed around some more. I was feeling even crapper - and my foot was so sore if I put weight on it I saw spots. Not exactly pleasant. Then it was my brother's birthday party in the afternoon, so I hid in my room with The Sims: Livin' Large extension pack. It is SO cool. Then that evening, my foot totally numb and just feeling vaguely warm, I went to the movies with Marie (a friend what I done have). Scary Movie is funny, in the cringe sort of way. Quite worth seeing - though not even a remotely good flick.
Today has been playing The Sims, feeling sick and sore and trying to get my head around a whole pile of homework thats already late and which I don't get. With any luck it'll turn out that what I have is terminal - and i'll be too dead to need to worry about stupid chemistry.

How many tears do you cry If love should break your heart in two? How many tears will I cry Now that I know I'm losing you? I can't stop wanting you And no matter what you do You're still a part of me Even though I'm losing you, oh

20th September 2000
I've been sick all week so far. And it sucks big monkeys through a small straw.
On Monday, I was completely zoning out in my lecture, and then realised I had done half my poster on one lab and half of it on another. Not a great sign. And when I got back to uni after going home to fix it, I was feeling like death warmed up. And I realised my balance was gone and I couldn't stand all that well, i could walk okayish, just not stand in one place. SO I went and asked nicely and was excused from my lab, so I could come home and sleep. After about 20 minutes nap I suddenly woke up and felt all energetic. It was SO screwy. SO then I played some Sims before having a early night.
Tuesday, I was feeling okayish, just a bit vague. I went to all my classes and then got dragged out to the movies in the evening. Hollow Man is a REALLY CRAP movie. Okay, there is a slight chance I only think that because I was sick when I saw it. But it did seem just plain CRAP.
Today I only had one class, and don't remember any of it. The rest of the day I've just been lying around zoned out. Pretty productive. I did spend three hours being completely unable to do a simple titration equation. So my homework is REALLY behind. But with any luck whatever I have will be fatal.
Now I'm just enjoying intense migraines and random stabbing pains throughout my body. Fun for me.
Today's song quote courtesy of.

I've been having dreams and visions In them you are always standing Right beside me I reach out for your hand To see your arms extending outstretched towards me

24th September 2000
Okies, Thursday I was beginning to feel vaguely alive again. At lunch I was making a bit of a PDA display with my pseudo-partner, and then getting seriously mocked about it. And in the arvo I had my last organic lab for the year (and hopefully ever). Then Thursday night I curled up at home and played Sims, and got feeling properly well.
Friday morning I went to my chem lecture, walked Tina to english, then went to met Rachael so we could do the lab that didn't quite happen on Tuesday arvo, but it didn't happen then either, and we just stuffed around until it was time for me to head off to my theatre class. Which was pretty fun. And then I headed home and destressed before my date.
A nice quiet dinner date. All nice. Then some shopping - getting Kane something cheap and tacky for his birthday. And eventually drinks at Marie's place, and hitting the clubs. All lots of fun.
Saturday I slept, did a little (and I emphasise the word little) work, went to my father's for lunch and generally acheived not much from the day.
In the evening I dolled up, as another night with my pseudo-partner was on the way. And it was the six week aniversary of us getting drunk and all over each other. So we met up and talk for a while in my room, and it finally looks like I'm not going to being getting the friends speech too often anymore - even if my pseudo-partner is very dismissive toward the possibilty of us being a couple.
Kane's party was kinda fun for the time we stayed. The music was a tad dodgy, but for a 21st it was very well catered. And the company wasn't TOO bad, even if everyone i've ever gone out with was there, even the one I was allergic to.
I could tell you what I got up to after Kane's party, but I shan't.
Today I slept lots. As I didn't get to bed till really late for the second day in a row. And then I watched a couple of movies Pat and Margaret which was actually very good, for a drama. And Still Breathing which was a kinda miscellaneous romantic comedy starring Brendon Frasier. And thats my day.
Today's song quote courtesy of.

(sound of silence)

26th September 2000
Too much homework for me :o(
Yesterday I realised just how much I am behind on the homework. So thats about all my life has featured. I had classes pretty much all day yesterday. And today I was at uni at 9 to meet up with my lab partner, and then was hard out at uni almost all day, until about 5pm. I loathe chemistry.
Then I got home and was dragged out for tea (at the Woolshed) by my mother and then to one of her miscellaneous friends houses. So my evening was totally consumed by crap. And by the time I got home it was too late to ring my pseudopartner. So I'm all sulking and exceptionally grumpy like, which is why I'm not writing much tonight.

When I said I needed you You said you would always stay It wasn't me who changed but you And now you've gone away Don't you see That now you've gone And I'm left here on my own That I have to follow you And beg you to come home? You don't have to say you love me Just be close at hand You don't have to stay forever I will understand Believe me, believe me I can't help but love you But believe me I'll never tie you down

27th September 2000
Today I'm in much less of a bad mood. Even though I spent all morning working on my presentation just to blow it. And I blew it amazingly well. I got tongue tied, forgot my speech, confused my overheads, misplaced one of them and generally shone through with an incompetent light.
Then I was to met Rachael and do some homework, but she wasn't at her room when she said she would be, so I watched some Olympics in Ali's room, and then came home (via Nina's were I stopped for a quick chin wag).
Oh, my meeting with my THEA203 lecturer went quite well, considering what a lazy non-work-doing boy I am. He really liked my play, though thinks I need to give it more weight.
Actually, I'm mainly in a good mood because I'm all stuffed full of chocolate junk food, and because my relationshippy thing is looking pretty good all up. So I'm a something of a buzz.
Today's song quote courtesy of.

Wednesday, 30 August 2000

August 2000

And my life continues, slowly but surely towards its inevitable end.

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses

1st August 2000
Yesterday it was back to the grindstone. Back to my mundane life - attending all my classes and trying to stave off death by boredom. Eight am lectures seriously bite. Then between my lectures I curled up on a big comfy chair on the top floor of the new library and read some more of "The Princess Bride". then after my other lectures and lunch with the Krshna Conciousness I had a lab. Three hours of taken samples of a yeast culture as it slowly grew. As much as I thought it would be really dull - I was too busy to notice. And the lab smells SO good. Yeast and alcohol.... Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
This morning I slept in till after 9 (I know most people don't consider that much of a sleep in - but it's damn impressive for me). And then played Diablo II till it was time to jump through the shower and head into uni. Then classes happened, over lunch I had a meeting with my playwriting instructor which wasn't perfect - but that's life aye. Then I had a nice short computerised titration lab. And that was about my day.

I'll just love you anyway
Today, and everyday

2nd August 2000
This morning I woke at about 7:30 and lay in bed reading "The Princess Bride" till it was finished. Which got me to about 9. Then I played some Diablo II and went to Uni. My classes happened and I came home via the library as I need another book to fill in the time until my brother gets around to finishing the fourth Harry Potter book. And then I played some more Diablo II. I'm over half way through the quests. So hopefully I'll have won before I head off for the weekend. Oh, yeh, that. I'm going out of town for the weekend. YAY. Escaping Dunedin to do something fun. Anyway I have nothing much to write about, so LATER.

 There would be psalms sung by a choir
I would have a white robe a halo newly acquired
I'd be at peace and I'd have no desire
If I'd lived right 

There would be cherubs with tiny harps arrows and bows
I'd have a halo and a flowing white robe
I'd be enfolded by a celestial light
If I'd lived right 

But I'm feeling hot and bothered under the collar
I feel the sweat breaking out on my brow
I feel the heat and I know it's the passion
The love I can't disavow 

If this is a dream wake me up now
If this is a movie let's edit these scenes out
It would be a PG instead of an X-rated life
If I'd lived right 

Some would call me a cheat call me a liar
Say that I've been defeated by the basest desired
Yes I have strayed and succumbed to my vices
But I tried to live right 

But I have no regrets no guilt in my heart
I only feel sadness for any pain that I've caused
I guess I wouldn't bother to worry at all
If I'd lived right 

Do you live by the book do you play by the rules?
Do you care what is thought by others about you?
If this day is all that is promised to you
Do you life for the future the present the past? 

If there is one thing I know I know I will die
If anyone cares some stranger my critique my life
I may be revered or defamed and decried
But I tried to live right 

There would be psalms sung by a choir
I would have a white robe a halo newly acquired
I'd be at peace and I'd have no desire
If I'd lived right

4th August 2000
Yesterday was rather fun. After my icky 8am lecture I spent three hours with Tina going to her classes. Then I had Hare Krshna lunch and headed into my Organic lab. I am SO far behind. It's just plain scarey. And then I wasted ages hitting on a cute southlander. Who completely didn't notice I exist.
From the lab I headed straight into the Rialto and saw Castle in the sky. It was pretty good, considering it was voiced by Anna Paquin and James van der Beek.
Then last night was spent finishing my playwriting assignment.
today was just a tad quiter. Classes, shopping for Oliver's birthday and packing for his birthday trip. I'm off for the weekend, to have fun in central. YAY.
Later alligater.

Young and strong Hollywood son
in the early morning light
this star fell down
on Sunset Boulevard 

young and strong beautiful one
we embraced so close
is gone
was torn away 

let the youth of America mourn
include him in their prayers
let his image linger on
repeat it everywhere

7th August 2000
Friday night we (me and all Oli's lot) headed off to Oterahua. A couple of hours later we were there. And so I had a weekend of Bunce. Pointlessly destructive fun. Minimal sleep. Large amounts of fun if not entirely healthy food. On saturday night - after a failed trip to go ice skating in Naseby, and having spent the afternoon trashing the Idaburn ice rink - while out walking I saw the biggest shooting star I've ever seen. it was huge, and so bright one of the group thought it was car headlights. Sunday we returned and I got home just before eight in the evening to find all my surviving grandparents, and my grandmother's partner all in my lounge. As that evening my paternal grandmother and her partner were bussing upto Christchurch as today they flew back to Canada - possibly forever.
Today after my eight am lecture I had hot chocolate with nice Peter at Feul. And then afterward with Jared (whichever way he spells it - strange little OUSA lackey that he is) in the union. Great for my nigh non-existant self esteem to be able to pretend at having friends. Then a bit of a false start, I went to my CHEM304 lecture before remembering that lectures had been cancelled for the week and we'd been told multiple times last week. Yes, I know I'm a dork. though that atleast gave me a chance to catch up with Karen, one of my friends who I very rarely see anymore. Then a lecture, Krshna lunch and FIVE HOURS of biochem processes lab. We were not amused.
Then just now Wormgirl visited, and got annoyed at me when i said I was being visited by "Jenny Shipley's Mini-Me" and someone clicked that I meant her. Typical bloody female.

You say you don't feel like yourself 
Does that mean you're somebody else 
How would I know 
Oh you say you just don't feel quite right today 
Does that mean that you're slipping away 
How would I know 
You might believe there's a paradise 
In the next hello 
How would I know 
If you don't tell me so 
If you wanted to go 
How would I know 
You say you don't know what you're doing here 
Does that mean you might disappear 
How would I know 
You might feel that there's something real 
In the next hello

8th August 2000
Yay for sleeping in. My first class was at 12 due to the cancellation of my aquatic chem lectures. I was most pleased. When I finally woke I lay in bed reading for a while then tumbled out and went to classes. I was gonna go to Hare Krshna cooking lessons at lunch, but when the time came I was on serious brain freeze and my whole body just wanted to collapse into a bundle and die. Though I've been feeling like that a lot lately, if it keeps up I shall have to see a doctor. And for those of you who haven't noticed, I'm not a big fan of health professionals.
So instead I had a nice quite wander in town. And then had a nice long lab, in which I felt like I was about to fall over through most of it. But I got through, and now I'm only two weeks behind.
And that is about all I have to say for now.

Mama I'm strange 
The thoughts and the wants are the locks 
On the back of my brain 
I'm descending pretending I'm blending 
I'm going insane 
And they want me to change 
Mama I'm strange

10th August 2000
Yesterday I did a whole lot of laundry, most of what I had to do. So now I have clean clothes. And I got VERY frustrated with Diablo II, which I was getting seriously stuck in. But then I worked out what I was doing wrong, so now I recon I should have it all sorted in no time, and the game beaten. Then last night I went to visit my Becky, who had just gone to the central library to study when I got to her flat. So I followed suit. Not to study, but to chat to her, and then watch Barbarella. I was SO much fun watching scifi softcore porn in the library. the looks on the faces of passing people who saw the nude scenes, it was classic. Then to Susan's non-event party and back home to bed and Buffy.
Today was pretty much just classes and more classes. I'm SO far behind in organic chem - it's just plain scary. I am SO going to fail.

Scarecrow 
Showers of your crimson blood 
Seep into a nation calling up a flood 
Of narrow minds who legislate 
Thinly veiled intolerance 
Bigotry and hate 
But they tortured and burned you 
They beat you and they tied you 
They left you cold and breathing 
For love they crucified you 

I can't forget hard as I try 
This silhouette against the sky 

Scarecrow crying 
Waiting to die wondering why 
Scarecrow trying 
Angels will hold carry your soul away 

This was our brother 
This was our son 
This shepherd young and mild 
This unassuming one 
We all gasp this can't happen here 
We're all much too civilized 
Where can these monsters hide 

But they are knocking on our front door 
They're rocking in our cradles 
They're preaching in our churches 
And eating at our tables 

I search my soul 
My heart and in my mind 
To try and find forgiveness 
This is someone child 
With pain unreconciled 
Filled up with father's hate 
Mother's neglect 
I can forgive But I will not forget 

Scarecrow crying 
Waiting to die wondering why 
Scarecrow trying 
Rising above all in the name of love

13th August 2000
Friday classes were pretty usual. Between them I bought Manchester (as I only have one sheet, and the having to wash and dry in the same day bites, so now I have three). I also saw someone I had been checking out at lunch the day before - but more on that later. The four hour lab on a friday afternoon was kinda nasty. But afterward I spent some time with Becky and Kezia - got Satay with them and then went shopping for a present for the Wicked Step Mother. I got him a mug with his catch phrase on it. Then the girls dumped me in town, so I hung out with Kane for a while until it was time to meet up with some friends and go to the incredibly strange film festival. While waiting at Rialto, I accidentally crashed a date between my ex and the new boyfriend. Added bonus I feel :oþ.
Zardoz is a weird movie. Sean Connery should keep his clothing on. After the movie we stuffed around for a bit and then eventually I got home at about three, all full of caffine and unable to sleep.
Saturday I pretty much stuffed around till Becky and Kez came and kidnapped me so I could put stuff on her 'puter. And then we went to the Wicked StepMother's 38th birthday party. Which was pretty cool, and I ended up chattng to the talent I had been checking out at Thursday's lunch. And we ended up talking for AGES, and drinking Rum and Coke. Then in a big group we headed off to the EAG (Educational Action Group) party. $10 door charge and then it was all you could drink. So we ended up a tad not sober. By the time we started clubbing, I was all over someone VERY gorgeous - who I also quite like as a person. So now I'm being VERY much of a smitten kitten. I haven't fallen for anyone this hard since my great seventh form crush. though I have a nasty feeling this is karma getting back at me for what I did to the last person who liked me, ie using them as ego fodder. And falling for someone this far out of my league is really just courting calamity. But I shall be hopeful, and this coming Thursday hopefully even exchange phone numbers.
Am I just tragic? Or am I possibly onto a great thing?
Am I worthy of someone that gorgeous? and nice?
I'd like to hope I am. But I guess I shall just have to see.
Added Note: On Saturday the 12th I clocked Diablo II. (Inserted 20 August)

-I dreamed about Ray Charles last night and he could see just fine... 

I dreamed about Ray Charles last night. 
And he could see just fine, you know. 
I asked him for a lullaby. He said, 
"Honey, I don't sing no more." 
No more, no more, no more, Ray don't sing no more. 

He said, "Since I got my eyesight back, my voice has just deserted me. 
No 'Georgia On My Mind' no more. I stay in bed with M.T.V." 
Then Ray took his glasses off and I could look inside his head. 
Flashing like a thunderstorm, I saw a shining spider web. 

Spider web, spider web, spider web in Ray Charles' head. 

I dreamed about Ray Charles last night. 
He took me flying in the air. Showed me my own spider web; Said, 
"Honey, you had best take care. The world is made of spider webs. 
the threads are stuck to me and you. Careful what you're wishing for, 
'cause when you gain, you just might lose." 

You just might lose your spider web, spider web, spider web Ray Charles said. 

When you're feeling lonely, when you're hiding in your bed, 
don't forget your string of pearls, don't forget your spider web. 
When I go to sleep tonight, don't let me dream of brother Ray. 
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he sees. 
Just like him best the other way. 

Spider web, spider web, spider web Ray Charles said. 
Spider web, spider web, spider web Ray Charles' head. 

All I got's my spider web, keepin' me alive. 
All I got's my spider web, keepin' me alive. 

- come on Ray...

14th August 2000
OMG! I'm becomong such a drama queen. That last entries "same bat time, same bat channel" ending was SUCH a pathetic display. Could I be screaming for attention any worse if I tried.
Yesterday arvo I went to Nina's and watched "The Buffy Marathon" and had Turkish Takeaways. It was a great way to spend an afternoon/evening. And three guesses what I made her listen to me talking about. Little Smitten Boy and the One Track Mind (penguin, london, 1942 :oP). It was all lots of fun though, Nina is tres butt-kicking.
Then last night I sat and got more and more frustrated about how my mind seriously wasn't managing to stay on my work well enough for me to even pretend to do my chem report. I am such a dreamer, someone should slap some sense into me (and NO! that is NOT an invitation).
After getting a days extension on my chem report, which prolly still won't happen, and my 8am lecture I did some referencing for Tina. Chatted with Jenny Martin - a friend from school, whose father is principal of some high school out mosgeil way - and stuffed around a bit. After dropping the references off to Tina I was walking through the Archway and saw some little university staff woman wearing her uniform, and I was sure it said "Nail Service" and I was trying to work out why the uni had a nail service when I realised it said "Mail Service" and I felt like such a total dork, I was just glad I hadn't said anything out loud. Then I headed into the art gallery to pick up some tickets for the Andy Warhol films, just to have them look at me as if I was mad. So then it was back to uni for some more lectures, and a trip to the film department to get the tickets, which the guy happily supplied, and seemed a little too enthausiastic about my wanting to go, and very friendly. He was even more than happy to supply me multiple tickets, though I only got two for each of the ones I randomly selected. I have NO IDEA about Andy Warhol and was only getting the tickets in an attempt to land a date. And yes, I still know how tragic I am.
My lab this arvo was LONG. Me and my lab partner Miriam, were working on it till well after 6. And now I should be doing the report I got the extension on. But I'm not. I'm dreaming.

He's the greatest
He's fantastic
Wherever there is danger
He'll be there
He's the ace
He's amazing
He's the strongest, he's the quickest, he's the best
Danger Mouse

15th August 2000
Well, i got up this morning and spent a few hours getting frustrated about how thick I am, I could just not get my lab report to come together. Then I rushed in to take back my shoes which had fallen apart back to the shop. The replacement ones I got are DAMN UGLY. And I was late to my lecture. After my lectures I went to the Union to get lunch, and while having an ugly clothes day, and feeding my face with chinese food, guess who walks past. And then brushes me off. Why after days of building myself up to it going bad, did it's going bad still surprise me, and make the rest of the day suck???
I'm such a lame freak.
But here I was, lighting up with hope, just to be faced down by a great wall of apathy. Actually, it wasn't quite apathy. It was weighted, and more alive. Like lots of cats who'd had their back legs glued together and were now a big wall of teeth and claws. But then again, this is just be doing my usual over-reaction to everything.
My lab this arvo was long and smelly. But I'm slowly catching up.
Look how bored I got - I took a weird net test on bloke-ness. And got a 4. 0 being the blokiest and 10 being a queen. I'm not sure how happy I am about getting a 4. I would have placed myself as a 2 or 3

There's a science fiction in the space between You and me A fabrication of a grand scheme Where I am the scary monster I eat the city and as I leave the scene In my spaceship I am laughing In your remembrance of your bad dream There's no one but you standing

16th August 2000
I did CRAP all today. I'm such a lazy freak.
I stumbled out of bed and went to my 11 o'clock lecture. After my lectures I went and bought a tripillow, as my old one has gone VERY flat. Then I came home and acheived NOTHING. Dr Addison is really gonna bite chunks out of me, my lab report is SO late. I should really go work on my assignment now until Buffy time. But I doubt it'll happen.
If there was a special hell for bad chemistry students, then it's demon lab demonstrators will be preparing a whole new lab wing that I can spend eternity being tormented in.
In lighter news, me who has never asked anyone out, is going to change that tomorrow. Even though I know I'll be rejected. But it's someone I REALLY like. And getting this first time asking someone out thing out of the way will be a reward in itself. And worst comes to worst, it'll be character building.
And that's all I can think of to say right now.

I've been having dreams and visions In them you are always standing Right beside me I reach out for your hand To see your arms extending outstretched towards me

17th August 2000
Public Announcement One - I take back all the harsh comments I made on Tuesday
Public Announcement Two - I have been SERIOUSLY over reacting about this whole thing. It's one of my two Sagittarian traits, an ever so slight tendency to very occasionally mildly adjust the emphasis on things (ie. exaggerate something chronic - an unfortunately suck myself in in the process) - the other is to think with the less logical head. Such is the life of a Sagittarian - not that I believe in any of the zoodiac stuff or anything though.
Public Announcement Three - I REALLY have to start to do some work. I am SO far behind in ALL my chem papers.
Okay, this morning I had an 8am lecture. then went to talk to Dr Addison about my already three day late lab report - which was pretty much just an unhappy thing. it may possibly happen, he wants it in by tomorrow - or else.
Then I came home, started to freak out, watched Office Space to calm myself down, and then headed in for my lunch date-thingee. Though I quite suspect it was meant just as friends, something I'm me really wanted it to be a lot more. And after Tuesday's encounter my hopes weren't all that high. And then it went quite well. In fact it even went so well I walked to the polytech campus just to extend it a bit. And having someone I like ask for my phone number is SO great. Big warm fuzzy. So I went of to my organic lab and the biggest natural high. Almost five hours later I stumbled out tired and sore, yet still happy and glowing. (Spot who is WAY too easy pleased.) And then came home to tea and an email from my lunch-date. Massive warm fuzzy. I hadn't expected an email so soon. But here is where the catch came. The email was sweet, but kinda neutral. And I can't decide if it just came out that way, or if it's a gentle way of brushing me off. Though this is possibly me just being paranoid, as good things never happen in my life.
Admittedly, I'd prefer to be friends than nothing at all, but that doesn't mean I'll give up hope that it might be something more.
PS: I LOVE rain. I got rained on, onthe whole walk home and my hair has miraculously gone great. It popped into a shape I could never make it do by choice - no matter the hair product I used - and it all silky and smooth. It's darn good work on Mother Nature's part, if I do say so myself.

Mustang Sally Hah Hah Guess you'd better slow your mustang down oh lord

20th August 2000
Friday morning, alarm goes off seven (well, six, but I slept through it for an hour) and you start uptown, to put in your eight hours for the powers that be, till it's five pm, then you head downtown..... sorry, sidetract, darn Ashman as his catchy lyrics :oÞ. I stumbled out of bed just after seven, madly got ready and left the house at 7:30. The joys of eight am lectures. After my lecture, I ran home in the rain, did some more work on the four day late assignment, emailed it to myself at uni, ran into my theatre lecture - soaking wet and dripping on the carpet, went to the chem 'puter labs and finished the assignment, and then handed it in - crap half-arse job it was - and came home to babysit. (If only John Dolan was dead, an ENGL124 student writing a sentence like that would have him rolling in his grave :oÞ.) While babysitting my brother I found a great sims site - 7 Deadly Sims and downloaded a GREAT Elvira: Mistress of the Dark skin, it looks so much like her and even has different PJ, swimsuit and nakid body.
At some stage on Friday I realised I had left my email signature turned on, and that it has my web address in it. Which means I have probably done irreversible damage to the meagre chances. As who would be interested in me after reading this thing and discovering what a total freak I am (as yes, there is a heavy implied cheap shot at wormgirl, and possibly a couple of others, not so very well hidden in that statement). Sometimes I REALLY wish I thought before I did things.
Friday night I went to my Becky's and played drinking games and such forth. And then I came home and net geeked for a while, as I was worried that had I drunk too much more I might have made a phone call in the early hours of the morning, that really wouldn't help my chances at all.
Saturday, I bummed around a bit then rang around till I found someone willing to go to Andy Warhol's Blow Job with me. In the end I got Wormgirl to. It was such a pointless movie. I know it was art and all, but still.... It was during this time that I realised it's all wormgirl's fault. I caught being a scary and obsessive infatuation machine off her. If she hadn't spent a bit over a year having a bit too much of a thing for me I'm sure I'd have a much more sensible and down to earth approach to showing my attraction.
Then I met up with Nina, and went to see Andy Warhol's My Hustler, which was too long, pointless and had dialogue even less believable than Dawson's Creek. It was terrible.
The lesson: Warhol pop-art good, Warhol movie bad.
Then Nina made me fried rice for tea, and I shall really have to let her cook for me more often, she does it with muchly goodness.
Then we (Nina, Tina, Becky, Kez and I) went to see the new movie take on Mansfeild Park. Quit to my personal surprise I found it was most pleasing. Frightfully enjoyable a piece. And this is coming from someone who is FAR from being a fan of Jane-bloody-Austen. Infact, my perfect world isone where Jane Austen lost her hands in a freak childhood accident, thus never wrote a thing. Still, I shall recommend this movie, it's pretty good.
Well, I'm not long up today. I got a bulk sent email from the victim of my lust, which means my email has been received - but not replied too. Which is probably a good thing. It means I can keep pretending something is going to come of this, and building myself up to a bigger disappointment when it doesn't. Though I'm seriously over thinking about it, which can't be a good thing, as my mind finds faults and wedges them open a little too well. Let it be said that I am a dork, and when it is said I shall not deny it. And let it also be said, I blame Wormgirl.I have stooped most lowly. I wrote a personal reply to a bulk sent email, giving thanks for the nifty attachment. Am I too tragic to be allowed among others? I believe there is ample evidence toward that, and little against.
Anyway, I just got back from Beauty No. 2, which was a good deal less pointless than the other Andy Warhol's I saw, but still not something I would have paid to see. It's just good that they are on free. I went to it with Susan Arcus - a friend from high school who I see only on rare and random occasions. And also met up with Tashanaaron - who've been at all the Warhol's I've seen. So it wasn't all bad. And I dropped off the trash fantasy novel I'd been reading - whose name I've already forgotten, but it was by Andre Norton and Rosemary some-one-or-other and was actually quite good. About a girl who gets summoned by faery magic into a parrellel world where the Stuarts still ruled England and America hadn't got it's independence. Okay, so the setting wasn't rivetting, by the story wasn't too bad. A bit pro-feminism though.
Back to the kitchen, I say.
I'm gonna get hit for that, I just know it.
Anyway, this is getting pointless even by my usual standards of pointlessness. So, I'm out of here before I say any more exceptionally stupid things.

I know what you're hiding from me. You know what I'm hiding from you. I know that you hurt me real bad. You know that I hurt you bad, too. Let's just get naked, just for a laugh. Let's just get naked. It's a trip and a half.

22nd August 2000
Monday. Well, I was at uni from 8am till after 5, and only had a single twenty minuter break from working the whole time, in fact that was the only time I left the chem building - other than the few minutes for the fire alarm in the morning. Talk about a long hard day.
Though the evening was a bit more fun. Nina, Rob, Becky, Kez and myself went to the X-men movie. It was SUCH a crime against the comic - but I feel if I had never read the comic I would probably have enjoyed it.
Though I realised last night, after flicking through the diary I kept in my pre-net days, a bit about how my heart works. Okay, I admit that I tend to fall hard and fast in lust - but I realised yesterday as much as it always seems really serious at the time, within a couple of weeks it moves on to being either a What the hell was I thinking? thing or a friend, who I guess could be kinda good looking in the right light, but I wouldn't go there thing. Only once did it even pretend to move onto being a vaguely healthy attraction - and even that one was kinda questionable.
I think life would have been so much easier if I'd just been asexual and lacked the ability to find anyone attractive.

I remember to this day The bright red Georgia clay And how it stuck to the tires After the summer rain Will power made that old car go A woman's mind told me that so Oh how I wish We were back on the road again Me and you and a dog named boo Travellin' and livin' off the land Me and you and a dog named boo How I love being a free man

23rd August 2000
Tuesday proper. My lectures were all pretty uneventful. I came home and started to avoid my chem assignment.
In the evening I headed off to Filadelphios for Wormgirl's birthday supper thingee. And got seriously mocked about how I've liked the same person for almost two weeks, and how much of an achievement that must be for me. Damn Worm and Rob knowing me just a tad too well. Then I came home to check for an email I knew wasn't coming - damn i'm tragic.
Today I spent avoiding my chem assignment by tidying my room till it sparkled. And I'm so tempted to ring, or send another email, but I've already sent two emails, a third would make me look obsessive. Which I'm not really, compared to certain personages I could mention.
Actually, my interest is beginning to wane. Though I think it's more that I've been waiting and building it up so much the anticipation is fighting itself.My email server screwing up, just saved me from doing something stupid. Send this - a third email to someone who is yet to respond to the first.
Hey (name with-held to protect the innocent - damn i wish I could do something about that part),
I was bored, and thought "hey, I could ring (name still with held)", but then realised you are probably studying, and the distraction probably wouldn't help your efforts.
And when it comes to it I don't really have anything to talk about. I'm just looking for excuses to procrastinate and not do my organic chemistry assignment.
So now that I have inflicted this overly pointless email on you, I'm off to write an equally pointless one to someone else.
bye,
Matthew Okay, I'm a loser. Shoot me now.

Mouth M.Bainbridge (Sapphire Music) I feel like i've been blown apart There are pieces here I don't know where they go I don't know where they go Kiss me on my salty lips I bet you feel little crazy but for me We'll be famous on t.v. Would it be my fault if I could turn you on? Would I be so bad if I could turn you on? When I kiss your mouth I want to taste it Turn you upside down, don't want to waste it I jump on you, you jump on me You push me out and even though you know I love you I'd be inclined to slap you in the mouth When I kiss your salty lips You will feel a little crazy, but for me I'll be famous on t.v. Now, will it be my fault if I take your love and throw it wide? You might restrain me, but could you really blame me? And you will feel you're blown apart All the pieces there will fit to make you whole And I know where they go

24th August 2000
Talk about irony. If I'd actually managed to send that email last night, it wouldn't have been so bad, as if my email server had been in a happier place then it would have been in reply to the email i would have just received. But instead I got the email today when it was too late to carry out the plans it contained. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.
I spent most of today getting frustrated about how terrible at organic chemistry I am. And humming Mouth, by Merril Bainbridge - which I've had stuckin my head all day.
My frustration really wasn't helped by the queue for the one text book I knew I needed, and the fact Tan (my lab supervisor) didn't turn up to the lab to assist us poor, stupid and confused little third years. And whatelse didn't help was, upon getting said textbook, to find it was exceptionally useless. So now I've got an assignment due in 20 hours, no idea how to do anything much of it, I'm tired, frustrated and a tad full of a cold. Joy to the world.
And now, to avoid fixating on how miserable my organic mark is going to be, I'm going to sit and build myself up about how an email suggesting exceptionally neutral plans is a sign of interest and that I am in with a chance.

Can't run fast enough Can't hide I can't fly I'm struggling with the limits of this ordinary life I'm just a Just a Just a first try

29th August 2000
Thursday night and all of Friday were spent doing my chem assignment. I got it done, it wasn't great, but it's over which is what counts. It's also dragged down a bit by the fact my product was an acetate when it should have been a ketone.
Friday night I was feeling sick so blobbed out and started into Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
Saturday morning I was up and packing bright and early. I was already by 9, as I was supposed to be picked up about 9:30. And then, well, Wormgirl was late. And then I spent four hours sitting in a car on the way to Te Anau, long road trips in crowded cars are always such fun. Having left home at about 10:30, and not being finally out of the car till almost 5. Te Anau could so handle being closer.
Wormgirl's 21st party wasn't TOO bad. Only one of her friends was openly hostile. The rest mostly just didn't acknowledge I existed - which was fine. I drank a bit much though - and was paying a little bit more attention to one of Wormgirl's siblings than I should have been. Though it wasn't anyhting too bad. Actually, on the Matthew Scale, it bearly even counted as being friendly. But still, anything that shares genetic material with Jenny Shipley's Mini-me......
The next day after we cleaned the place up - and it was a great little spot, a lodge near the Malvora (?spelling?) lakes - we headed up to the Homer as Rob had never seen snow. The drive there was actually really nice. Fiordland is rather pretty. And the last bit of the trip having big avalanche warning signs everywhere just made it fun. And then stopping in the Homer Tunnel car park - which had a big "No Parking - Avalanche Risk" sign in it to have a snowball fight. It was a far bit of fun. And then playing with, and feeding (yet another of that trips little illegal activities), a Kea which was threatening to eat the car. It was just then the whole place rumbled. It was SO loud, and then the avalanche came down, and it was so small. Talk about a let down. All that noise and so little snow. It still scared the crap out of me though. Then it was back to Te Anau to get pizza for tea and have a nice quite night in the doc house in the wilderness park with Wormgirl, Rob and Wormgirl's flatmate Kim.
After tokenistic sleep we got up showered and headed to Q'town to spend the day being touristy. And actually that pretty much covers Monday. Travelling and miscellaneous low budget touristing. Kim broke her arm skiing though, which gave the day a little excitement. And then we got back to Dunedin about nine.
Today I didn't get out of bed till 3pm.
Though I did finish off Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire while in bed. And that is about all I have to say. Night all

We shared words Only lover speak How can it be We are less than strangers

30th August 2000
YAY, I just got asked out-ish. After two weeks of stressing out about whether it was just me being an obsessive little freak - it appears my hope was atleast partially justified. So now I have a date-ish thing on friday to stress out about.
OKay, stuff I did today.... *thinks back*
I got up this morning, stuffed around, played a little Sims and Diablo II, then headed in to town and got my mop mowed. Then grabbed a couple of books from the library - one of which turned out to be not what I'd thought at all, as I discovered when I started into it today. Philip K. Dick's The Transmigration of Timothy Archer turned out to be a little more theological and a little less outrageous sci-fi than I was expecting. So I doubt I'll read it - I'm out for a trash sci-fi fix.
And that was about it, until the two and a bit hour phone call. Yay for big warm fuzzies to make the day. I am on SUCH a buzz, even thought I'm probably over reading things to make it seem better than it is.