My hons project due date approaches, and yet I do no work. (To show I've started my Hons work, I'm going to list Catholic holidays according to the Sarum Missal this month).
Wesley: That's not good enough. She's not a demon Angel; she's a sick, sick girl. If there's even a chance she can be reasoned with...
Angel: There was. Last year I had a shot at saving her. I was pulling her back from the brink when some British guy kidnapped her and made damn sure she'd never trust another living soul.
Cordy: Angel, it's not Wesley's fault that some British guy ruined your... Oh wait, that was you. Go on.
3rd August 2002 - Invention of St. Stephen, Protomartyr.
Wednesday, after writing my last entry, I headed into varsity and went to ENGL225 - where Greg made me do the test even though I'm not a real memeber of the class. Then Alana took me out to Tokyo House for lunch to cheer me up. I feel so bad, because every time I'm mean to her she buys me stuff. Romanticism kinda bites. I liked the literary criticism we were doing last semester - talking about Keats just doesn't fill me with the warm fuzzies that rest of the class seem to get out of it. Anyway, after the class Midget dropped me to my mother's so I could deliver the letter, then I bought groceries at the gardens and came home for a nicely wasted evening of television and computer games.
Thursday, I got up in the morning and did homework for a few hours before heading in to varsity for Krishna lunch and then some more study before going to my beowulf class, and sucking. I am really not enjoying being the token dumb person in the paper, it's plain not fun. After that I headed to the library for a frustrating attempt to prove a couple of points, but after a couple of hours in there had failed miserably. So headed home, bumping into Susan on the way and thus landing a ride up my hill. Then I decided I was too grumpy to cook, so headed to the Garden's and got fish and chips. I came home to find Per had got my letter and added me to his ICQ. Which was pretty cool, so I chatted to him for a while and made a very tokenistic attempt to catch up on four and a half years while doing homework. It was really nice.
Yesterday, I rolled out of bed far too early to try and get The Friar's Tale and The Summoner's Tale read before my Chaucer class, and got about half way there. Then on the way to class I slid on ice, and though I didn't lose my balance, I smacked into a handrail reasonably hard, and got a huge algae mark on my trouser, and as I would later discover, a bit of a bruise. Anyway, I made it to class, and it was pretty cool - but then Chaucer classes always are. At the end of it Midget felt something pop in her hand, so I walked to Student Health with her and sat for the hour she had to wait to see a doctor. It turned out to just be a capilliary burst, which appearantly isn't too much of a worry, but it still gave her a bit of a scare. Anyway, that led to me missing my ENGL225 lecture, so I ate, stuffed around, and even did a little work and some readings before my meeting with Ian, who finally wants me to start writing. Which is a worry, I don't know I have anything to say yet. Grrrr. Anyway, then I headed home and blobbed for a while. I had pseudo-plans with Aaron in the evening but I couldn't get hold of him, so headed to Catriona's to quickly pick up some Angel discs, and ended up staying there for over three hours chatting with her and her mother. Her parent's are pretty cool, I've always wished I had those kind of parents, her mother has done a reasonable range of things at varsity, and her father is a consultant - and I think probably has a PhD too - though that's a complete and utter guess. I always wanted parents with letters after their names, or atleast the ability to talk for hours about pointlessly academic things. I think that's possibly why I always liked Oliver's parents, when they got talking it was usually pretty brain intensive. Anyway. I didn't get home until after 11pm, picking up chicken flavoured chips for tea on the way. Then I went to bed and watched an episode of Angel, before trying to sleep. For some reason my body just plain refused to do anything more than doze. And at about 3:30, but which time I was more than a little grumpy anyway, my toothache kicked in. Blast it. It'd nicely gone away for a while, grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
So at about 8am I gave up in disgust and watched some crap television and after the Justice League flicked over to my computer and watched Angel until after lunch. Then I showered and headed to the supermarket, fetching large amounts of junk food to make the tooth pain more tolerable. Sugar is all good. Then spent the afternoon killing my network - actually it'd died of reasons unknown, so me and Vaughn whacked extra nails in the coffin by trying to fix it. Oh well. I tried to get sympathy out of Simon about my toothache - but that was pretty much wasted effort. And then I tried to get hold of Aaron, who I got hold of earlier today, as he was going to visit, but I don't see that happening either. So here's me, sitting alone at home on a Saturday night being miserable and wallowing in my self-pity.
Today's quote is from the Angel episode "Five by Five".
Spike: "Beneath me." I'll show her. Six bloody feet beneath me. Hasn't got a death wish? Bitch won't need one.
6th August 2002 - Transfiguration of Our Lord.
Sunday I fluffed around being generally unproductive, until mid-afternoon when I headed to my mother's to clear everything out of the sleepout, as it is now going to be rented out, and thus my brother won't just be taking over my stuff. Mum had decided to dump a pile of my stuff out on the porch, where the rain had got to it, so I ended up burning a fair bit which had been ruined. I was much less than amused. Anyway, after doing a bunch of stuff for my mother and being more than a little grumpy, I headed off for a nice dinner with my grandmother. Returning to my flat afterward expecting to see Aaron, though he never arrived. So instead I actually did homework, finally finishing Burrow. After having got it out of the library before I went to visit Tina in Christchurch, a couple of months ago. And then sleeping, if a little tooth-achey.
Yesterday, I spent the mornign skimming through another book, though it turned out to have very little of use to me in it. At lunch time I headed in and did ENGL225, for probably the last time, then had Krshna lunch, and headed to the library, where I did a little work. After heading back home again, having decided not to get my hair cut even though people kept commenting on how curly it was, I went to Alana's for dinner. And she made me cake. Then it was home to an evening of television, and chatting to Per on ICQ. A healthy change from my usual chit-chat with my ex.
Today, I didn't sleep to well, still didn't feel like getting up, so stayed in bed far too late listening to crappy radio. Then I got up, showered, and did some translation, before heading off to class. After beowulf, I had my weekly lunch with Michiel, then hit the library for some photocopying. At this point peoples commenting on my hair got to me, I'd used product to try and make it behave, but that only made it worse. So for the first time since the 12th of March, I got my hair cut. And I probably look a right dork.
I should really do something to start my honours, being I have a draft due, I just don't really feel upto actually working. For no appearant reason I'm having a wanting to curl up and die evening. Ah well, I guess it's because I'm a head case.
Today's quote is from the Buffy episode "Fool For Love".
Buffy: "You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether I was good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To give your jobs, your lives, some semblance of meaning."
Nigel: "This is beyond insolence—" (Buffy hurls the sword at him, which he must jump aside to avoid.)
Buffy: "I'm fairly certain I said no interruptions."
Xander (quietly): "That was excellent!"
Buffy: "You're Watchers. Without a Slayer... you're pretty much just watching Masterpiece Theater. You can't stop Glory. You can't do anything with the information you have, except maybe publish it in the Everyone Thinks We're Insanos Home Journal. So here's how it's gonna work. You're gonna tell me everything you know. Then you're gonna go away. You'll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary."
Giles (pretending to cough, muffling the word): "Retroactive."
Buffy: "To be paid retroactively from the month he was fired. I will continue my work with the help of my friends—"
Lydia: "I-I-I... don't want a sword thrown at me, but-but civilians — we're talking about children!"
Buffy: "We're talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon."
Anya: "Willow's a demon?!"
Phillip: "The boy? No power there."
Buffy: "'The boy' has clocked more field time than all of you combined. He's part of the unit."
Willow (quietly): "That's Riley speak."
Xander (quietly and with pride): "I've clocked field time."
Buffy: "Now. You all may be very good at your jobs. The only way we're gonna find out is if you work with me. You can all take your time thinking about that. But I want an answer right now from Quentin. 'Cause I think he's understanding me."
8th August 2002 - Ciriacus and his Compp. Martt. Mem. only.
Yesterday was not a great day. I got up and watched Alien Nation, which is a shite movie, but I was depressed and had hoped it would cheer me up. It didn't. Then after starting out hyper organised and on time, by the time I left the house I had only thirty minutes to get to my doctor's near the Warehouse (Central), so I ran/jogged/walked-puffing-and-exhausted and made it there with five minutes to spare - go slightly fitter than I realised me. Well, then I had to wait about half an hour. Doctor's are never on time. Anyway, it was mostly bad. My blood pressure is down to 150 over, ummm, somewhere around 110 I think, I was too busy thinking how much better 150 was to notice the other number. But appearantly with the pills I'm on, that's pretty bad. So I'm being tested for heart disease. Lets just say this news didn't fill my day with the warmest of fuzzies. But after a little lookign around town I had lunch with Nina and got a decent chance to sulk about it and have someone care, or atleast pretend to convincingly, as I can't know what other people are thinking and all. Then after she headed off to class, I bumped into Simon and chatted to him a bit - and he didn't notice I'd had my hair cut until John-boy commented on it. Stupid people kept being all non-position-y about what they thought of my hair. Well, either that or they said it was ugly. Yay for my ugly hair. Anyway, I chatted to Simon and Catriona (who I bumped into only a minute or two after spotting Simon) for ages, which was nice. Though it ment I didn't do a very good job of the ENGL471 homework I was supposed to be doing, as I ended up with only an hour to do it, and not the two I had planned. Anyway, 471 was kind of dull, I was about the only person who had actually done the reading, though a few of the girls had accidentally read the wrong thing- so they hadn't intended to not do the reading. The good bit of that class is the eye candy though. It's only one good looking person, but it's the only eye candy any of my classes has to offer. And it's someone I could happily be in lust with. After that I had a quick catch up with Midget, headed past the stupermarket and got milk and a cookie, climbed the hill home and made tea. After actually doing a bit more work on my hons topic, as somethign to distract myself from wallowing in self pity, and playing a bit of Civ III to fill me up with some happy, I went to Becky's to watch Buffy with a bunch of dykes, who were drinking all through it, and had brought ppl who weren't even Buffy fans - I mean - what's up with that. Buffy is like religion - it is NOT an excuse for alcohol. Especially not cheap beer.
Today I did a bunch of work on my honours project, and I mean a bunch, though it was mostly hunting down articles and tracking down stuff i had read and things that failed to actually contribute to me getting a draft written. I also fenced in my Beowulf class with Krishna lunch and a bunch of photocoping. Then headed home for tea and more work. I did So much today, but it's not going to help, as tomorrow Ian will just see that I've written almost nothing (a mere 373 of the 4,000 to 6,000 he is hoping for) and then he'll be all disappointed at me, and then I'll be all depressed at my ECG, and I'll fail it, and thus die of heart disease.
Oh, and the high point of today was failing down the stair in Burns, I wasn't injured, but I felt a right dork.
And I'm being even less rational than usual, so am off to sleep.
Today's quote is from the Buffy episode "Checkpoint".
Tara: "I go online sometimes, but everyone's spelling is really bad. It's... depressing."
12th August 2002
Okay. Friday. I woke a little later than I would have liked. And only managed to get all of the Summoner's Tale done - which fortunately turned out to be all I needed done. Chaucer was quite fun, though I can't decide whether or not I like the Summoner's Tale, I really dislike the Summoner - but Chaucer, being the annoyance he is, decided to give him a surprisingly intelligent tale, darn it. Anyway, then I hung out with the post grads in the English department for a while. Which is actually surprisingly fun. Even if Fet hasselled me about how he was unable to trust me with my hair cut. Like he is even vaguely trustable. Glass houses and stone throwing and all. And I'm rambling. Well, some photocopying and hanging around with a pack of smell second years was involved. And after chatting to my Aunt Jude and her lot I even finally registered for Dent School. So someday soon someone should be cutting up my face. At my meeting with Ian, he was actually pleased with the piss-arse little attempt I'd made, and he is now much less worried than he was two weeks ago. Which is weird, as I'm getting more worried. Then it was off to the hospital for my ECG, which was dull and the people there wouldn't tell me anything. Then some shopping to get a present for Oli, and I came home and packed, and stuffed around lots. Then at a bit after nine in the evening Oli turned up with his van load of people and thanks to Tim's amazing driving we made it to Oturehua alive. We got there, unloaded the van and stuffed around a bit.
A bit after midnight when Oli's father and stepmother arrived we decided to walk down the railtrail to the big disappointment of the weekend - the lake wasn't frozen - in fact it was entirely wet. So we headed back to the house, slowly, and sat around the fire while Oliver did ungodly things to the Duplo Bob the Builder I'd given him. Then it was sleep, as sleep is good, even if I did wake up hours before everyone else. Saturday was pretty cool, we randomly decided to walk up a hill, and generally stuffed around most of the day. Though did do a bit of basic maintainence around the place. In the evening we had a bit meal, with twelve people around the little table, and we fitted surprisingly well, mainly as I was pretty much the token fat ass. As evening came on and we had a party going in the garden around the fire, melting empty beer bottles and the like, I had an attack of toothache and ended up having something of an early night and missing all the good bits.
Sunday morning I again woke far to early, so read some of The Clerk's Tale, and watched the scenery. Eventually people got up and it was a nice quiet day, in fact we pretty much just buggered around playing frisbee and climbing rocks down by the dam. It was good. Though it was late evening by the time we left, and after stopping for coffee in Palmerston it was 10:30ish when I finally got home. Then came online and tried to get sympathy for my toothache, new heart meds and random incidental injuries from the weekend (I did an amazing job of putting holes in myself) out of Simon, but well, it was late at night, and it really wasn't a happening thing, he just got grumpy at me. Then I signed off and showered the weekend of goobers away before sleeping, for about 9 hours, Yay.
Today, I got up and stuffed around for a while before showering and heading off for my x-ray. Though the fun thing when I first got up was the rant Aaron had ICQ'd at me after I had gone to bed last night. I think it may even have been him dumping me as a friend. It was almost funny. Boy needs help. I got to the Havover Street Urgent Doctor, and had my x-ray, which was surprisingly uninvolved a process, they even let me look at the x-ray, though I don't know enough to know if I'm in trouble or not. And one staff was really hot. I mean WOW. I SO need to score, the whole it being two years since anyone has shown any real interest in me thing, it's beginning to make me check out anyone even vaguely not hideous. Anyway, then I headed into varsity and sat with the bunch of little second years I'm spending way too much time with, until it was almost time to meet Alana for lunch. It was then I bumped into Catriona, who had some Angel for me in her bag. YAY. Lunch with Alana was kind of nice, even if too much of the conversation was Aaron related. Then after walking her home, I came home and watched some Angel, then some TV, and generally made sure I achieved sweet fuck all today. Anyway, I should go, as otherwise I'll just get back into ranting about pointless things.
Today's quote is from the Buffy episode "I Was Made to Love You". (Irony and all, being how crap my spelling is, and my inability to proofread and such.)
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury -- pardon; where there is doubt -- faith; where there is despair -- hope where there is darkness -- light; where there is sadness -- joy! Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
14th August 2002 - Oct. of [the Name of] Jesus. Eusebius, Presb. and Conf. Vigil.
I am such a head case, I just spent about 15 minutes typing ICQ messages to me ex and then deleting them unsent. Everything I try to say comes out wrong, and it's frustrating. I'm trying to be a good friend, but everything always sounds like it's either coming on far too strong or far too shallow. Stupid inability to use English.
Yesterday, I finished off Season Three of Angel, which ends on such a cliff hanger. Series shouldn't do that, especially not cliffhangers, that could also function as plain old endings in a really mean world. Then after half arse rushed translations I headed into varsity and had my beowulf class. Then lunch with Michiel, and some stuffing around before returning home to stuff the rest of the day away. Though I did get a nice long chat in with Midget, and even had Si sharing atleast a superficial level of his problems - which was kind of cool. Then it was a night in front of the telly. The Xena final was weird.
Today I've stuffed around LOTS. I'm just not feeling able to do anything. In fact I opened this at about 9am this morning, and it is now 1:17 in the afternoon, and I've written bugger all. I am wasting my life away.
And I haven't heard from Wormgirl in ages. She SO owes me mail.
Today's quote is "Prayer of St. Francis" as worked by Sarah McLachlan.
There's no joy without the pain It's the pain that makes us strong But sometimes it's just so hard to carry on When you said that you don't care When you say that you'll be there Well, I wonder just how did things go so wrong With everything we've had (Oh please tell me) And you know it's just so sad But who's to blame? (I was mistaken) So who were you? I thought I knew? I guess I was mistaken But I only wanted you (I was mistaken) So say goodbye Don't tell me why I guess I was mistaken
15th August 2002 - Assumption of Blessed Mary, V.
Yesterday after writing abve I headed into varsity and did readings for 471. Then went to the class, and the only eye candy in the english department wasn't there this week, darn it. And I was the only one on the class who had done the readings, and I still come off looking like a retard. I am SO too stupid to be doing honours. In fact, I've spent the last couple of weeks thinking I should just quit now and get a job, otherwise I'm just going to fail honours. Anyway, last night I spent failing to do homework.
This morning was spent the same way, darn it. Though I did get in a nice long chat with Wormgirl, who I haven't heard from in ages. Then I did some translation, went to Krishna lunch, did some more translation and then went to class. I am SO not keeping up with it, it's too hard and we are working too fast. It's frustrating me and stressing me out. So, not entirely the best I've been, I collapsed in the Library link thing. Not long later my ex walked by, and after talking for a while I decided I should go home and do some work, but in the end, I ended up walking back to my ex's place and having a long chat about the lastest love interest - another guy who isn't me - though it doesn't look like a happenign thing, which very strangely saddened me. I actually found myself kind of wanted it to work out. Which for a moment was like "Yay, this is being over my ex type thinking" but then I realised it was just another of my wanting my ex to be happy things, and the fact I know that happiness is really never going to come from me. I am such a psycho nut bar. Anyway, I got dropped home, made a nice vegan meal - I've had vegan meals every dinner this week - and have been sitting here not actually achieving anything for about three hours. Except chat to my cousin Penelope. Today has been pretty good for catching up with people really. Anyway, I should go do homework so I don't drive Ian to kill himself.
Today's quote is from "Mistaken" by Save Ferris.
I know it's late now I know I ought to go Ride in your car now but please don't drop me home My head's so heavy, could this be all a dream? Promise me maybes and say things you don't mean Rain fall from concrete coloured sky No boy, don't speak now you just Drive, drive, drive Take me through make me fell alive, alive When I ride with you
18th August 2002 - Agapitus, Mart. Mem. only.
It's too early to be alive. Actually, it's almost lunch, I'm just too tired.
Friday morning I got The Clerk's Tale finished and then went off to a very entertaining Chaucer lecture on it. It was great. Then the english lot were being slack and hadn't put on a morning tea - most dissapointing - so I headed off to Eureka with a bunch of the Masters and my fellow honours students. After stopping to talk to Susan for just long enough - combined with the huggy way we had greeted - that the dirty minded english students thought I'd had a quicky. Then I stuffed around a bit, dropped my Chaucer stuff at home and went to the Art Gallery and watched Akira and then X, the movie at the free Manga film festival. Which took me to almost 7:15, yet somehow I still made it (on foot) to the Mayfair in time for the Midget's show. She was pretty good - it was just a shame more of the other people weren't. Though the two guys that did the duet of Lily's Eyes in it were amazing, it was kind of freaky.
Yesterday. I got up and went to check email and somehow ended up playing Ultima for a while and helping Giffy buy a shop, as my Ultima character has money I never seem to use. Then I headed off to the Art Gallery again and watched some Astroboy - which is just crazy, Amon Saga - which was just lame, and Spriggan - which was really good. Even if the end was a bit weak, it was a damn fun watch, and full of anti-american sentiment. Then I walked home with Aaron - who it turns out wasn't really not talking to me, he just hadn't talked to me all week. Then after stuffing around at home a bit, Midget picked me up and I went off to Elizabeth's party. Which was a lot of fun. Me and Midget got a decent chance to catch up. I got called a "very attractive young man" by someone I used to find very hot and still tend to hit on a bit - and whom I'm pretty sure is younger than me, making the "young man" bit seem vaguely weird, but compliments are compliments. And also something I very rarely hear, especially not from hot people. The night went on and it ended up a big long conversation about the most random things, and making people laugh so hard that they started choking. With comments about CompSci geek boys offering Jerky, saying the words "quivering", "moist" or "turgid" in various connotations. I was finding everything far too funny, so at some time well after three in the morning, I wandered homeward to get some sleep.
To get woken at 9am by Tina who needed to chat. Then I went back to bed for about an hour and got up much the worse for wear at about 10:30, showered, had breakfast and wrote the above.
I went and met Tina at lunch time and we chatted for a while, and then I dropped her at her ex's so she could pack and I headed off to the Art Gallery again. First was Nadesico, Chronical 1 which was pretty much shite. Then Blood, The Last Vampire, which was really good, so beautifully animated, if only it had even pretended to make sense. I suspect it was immediately meant to be a full length movie, but it never quite happened. As it never explains anything.
Today's quote is from "Drive" by Bic.
[ORIN] When I was younger, just a bad little kid My mama noticed funny things I did Like shooting puppies with a B.B. gun I'd poison guppies and when I was done I'd find a pussycat and bash in its head That's when my mama said [CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON] What did she say? [ORIN] She said, "My boy, I think someday You'll find a way to make your natural tendencies pay You'll be a dentist You have a talent for causing things pain Son, be a dentist People will pay you to be inhumane Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood And teaching would suit you still less Son, be a dentist You'll be a success [CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON] Here he is, folks the leader of the plaque! Watch him suck up that gas! Oh, my god! He's a dentist and he'll never ever be any good Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis de Sade? Oh that hurts! I'm not numb! [ORIN] Oh, shut up. Open wide. here I come! I am your dentist [CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON] Goodness gracious! [ORIN] And I enjoy the career that I picked I am your dentist [CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON] Fitting braces [ORIN] And I get off on the pain I inflict When I start extracting those molars You girls will be screaming like holy rollers [CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON] Dentist! [ORIN] And though it may cause my patients distress Somewhere in heaven above me, I know that my mama's proud of me 'Cause I'm a dentist- and a success Say ah! Now spit.
20th August 2002
Yesterday morning I got up, showered and headed in to the dent school to have my tooth seen to. Because I had toothache the woman organising the queue bumped me up, so I hardly had to wait at all, before a somewhat nervous middle eastern guy looked in my mouth and said "you've lost a filling", then his supervisor came along and checked it all again and sent me off for x-rays. Then a longest wait of my day, while they waited for a chair to open up so my little arabic dent student could watch while his supervisor assessed the x-rays and sent me off too surgery, and to fifth year dent students. After chatting to Mitten, a girl I was kind of friends with in health sci, I got passed on to the student who who be drilling my tooth. Kind of good looking. And seemed nice too. Anyway, this is when things got less fun, anaesthetic cream, followed by a needle, which I actually barely felt, and then the drilling and pulling the pulp out of my upper right first premolar. It wasn't actually to unpleasant, except with the big glass capillary rods thingees that got jabbed down, rather unpleasant. I'm not in any big rush to have a root canal again. Though afterward it hasn't hurt at all, and the toothache being gone is a nice look really. And I spent most of the procedure thinking how not bad looking my dent student was, I mean, even with bits of my tooth on the glasses, those were nice eyes. Though possibly the drugs played a part in that thought. Or just how long I've been single. After it (the first part of a three part procedure - but the other parts can be put off for quite a while) I headed off to Krishna lunch, to eat with a numb mouth and sit thinking how if I was one of the 5% who need a redressing it would be like my only chance to get my dent student again either (as the standard follow up bits are done by other people, and probably not until next year anyway), and then I realised just how creepy and tragic that would be. So I stopped. And I headed home, via the supermarket and pharmacy (to get nurofen which I was told I would probably need, but then didn't) and had a nice relaxing afternoon, just feeling kind of gross and woosey - I'm guessing from the anaesthetic - and felt no post-drilling pain at all, which means I wasted good money on nurofen I'll probably never use (a statement Simon told me off for making to him last night).
I woke up this morning having dreamed about my dent student (Not, and I repeat, Not a dodgy dream - it was perfectly innocent), got up and found I had got an unexpexted email from That Second Year. Which was almost shock, horror inducing.
Anyway, I should shower and do some translation before my Beowulf class.
Well, I got bugger all done before class, even though I worked on it for quite a while. I went to class an entirely failed to keep up with the flow of it all. I don't know why I'm doing it, I'm too stupid for 400 level. Anyway, lunch was nice, even if the filling in my tooth is just the tiniest bit high, and it's pissing me off. Then I stuffed around at varsity a bit, and came home to fail to do the homework I had entirely ment to do. I am running out of time, it's seriously bad. I should probably just kill myself and be done with it. Actually, I'm just getting bad as I've realised how crap a friend I must be. I have heaps of friends, but bugger all close friends. I mean, when I'm feeling really down, there is pretty much no-one around who I can actually talk about it to. Simon, Midget and Nina are usually busy, Tina is in Christchurch, and Wormgirl in the states. And there isn't actually anyone else I feel comfortable to talk about all that much with. In fact, even my really close friends I feel really weird about talking about a lot of things to. Like I almost managed to do something today, that was a big step forward for me, but by the same point, it's not something I actually feel comfortable talking about on here, and I don't want to bother my friends and their busy lives with somethign that is a big deal for me, but to everyone would just make them look sideways at me and not get why it is even something worth mentioning, and would entirely not understand why I don't feel comfortable with just saying it. And I doubt they'd really care to listen either, for a long time I've been quite sure I'm not anyone's best friend, and I'm pretty sure I never have been. I mean, people get on with me okay, but I don't think I've ever been all the important to anyone, I'm always just a friend for when they are having a bunch of people about, or someone to spent time with when their other better friends are busy. And this is going to turn into an even more of a self-pitying wallow-fest so I guess this is where I stop.
And just to prove my point, in the hours since I completed the above no-one was replied to my messages. Okay, I'm being a dork, and I realise this. I'm just getting myself upset over really stupid things. I think I should go sleep.
Today's quote is "Dentist" from Little Shop Of Horrors.
Buffy: "We having a marching jazz band?"
Oz: "Yeah, but, y'know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be goin' off in all directions, bumpin' into floats... scary."
Willow: "He's just being Oz."
Oz: "Pretty much full time."
23rd August 2002 - SS. Timotheus and Apollonaris. With Nocturn. Vigil.
I was just about to start and saw the time. I'm late. Ah well, I should have started getting ready to head out ages ago, I'm going clubbing with the future mother of my children (Becky). Though I just came on to try and bait Si out of his house to come with us. And I should go.
Today's quote is from the Buffy episode "Beauty and the Beasts".
Buffy: I don't want any trouble. I just want to be alone and quiet in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cozy. I don't even know what a tea cozy is, but I want one. Instead, I keep getting trouble, which I am more than willing to share.
24th August 2002 - Bartholomew, Ap.
Ummm, Wednesday, I was feeling rather crap, for no real reason. I tried to do work, but got bugger all done as I was just depressed. After lunch I headed down to varsity, I had some reasoning, but I think it may have just been for food, then I did readings, talked to Ainsley, and went to my ENGL471 lecture. It was kind of fun, especially as Dr Nick did his fmaous vanish off from the lecture and leave us to teach ourselves routine he's become so good at, we've decided he has a net-buudy he goes off to send messages to. After the class I went and had a drink at Re-Feul with Midget, and then came home, made fried rice and settled down for an evening of TV, and avoiding any possibility of thinking.
Thursday, I got up, did some hons work, then translated some Beowulf until Aaron came up, as it was his birthday, so we headed into varsity for krishna lunch. On the way there we got money out at the Willowbank and Aaron hassled me about having a girlfriend - as he was sure the girl there was flirting with me. Anyway, after a quick lunch, I did some more homework, went to class, was mocked for my not-brightness and then went home and worked on my hons for the rest of the day, and got bugger all done.
Yesterday... meh, I'm too tired to write... I'll have to write something tomorrow.
Today's quote is from the Buffy episode "Anne".
Buffy: You know, I just... I woke up, and I looked in the mirror, and I thought, hey, what's with all the sin? I need to change. I'm... I'm dirty. I'm, I'm bad with the... sex and the envy and that, that loud music us kids listen to nowadays. W...Oh, I just suck at undercover.
25th August 2002
I have got so bad at finishing what I start.
I think I got upto Friday. Umm, well. Friday, I got up, did some reading and headed to Chaucer - which as always was lots of fun. Though Chris was trying harder than usual to drag it down, someone should just shoot him so he stops cluttering up the class. Anyway, then I went to English morning tea for a while, did a little homework with Elizabeth in the library, had lunch with a pack of weirdo second and first years (Gnatacia and her friends), and then went to my meeting with Ian. He's not over happy with the progress, and pointed out I had a lot to do in the next week, he also sent me off to the Catholic Book Store to get a Douai Bible. They sent me on to the Catholic library, which turned out to be shut as the librarian was away on holiday, so I tried the public library. There they had one, but it was the original 1609 edition. Against all good sense, Ian the librarian-guy went off and got it and let me read through bits of it. I felt so special, and paranoid and nervous. Me and a four hundred year old book, alone in a small climate controlled room. But that isn't the most sensible way for me to use the book, I need one I can actually use. And the University library doesn't even have one, and the only online one I can find the university only has one subscription too, and it's only availible from one computer in the library. Dash it all. Anyway, I eventually went home, via having Catriona's help to buy a birthday present, and getting fish and chips on the way. After eating I was feeling really good, and after writing Friday's little entry, I headed off to hang and eventually go clubbing with some dykes. They somehow had me consuming reasonable quantities of some green liquor, that was much stronger than what everyone else had in their cups through the drinking game. Then we headed off to Karaoke. And I sang Crimson and Clover, appearantly not too badly, and somehow ended up doing a duet of Stand By Your Man with Richard Marlow - which is just plain wrong. Then me and my entourage of lesbians headed off to Bath Street, and stuff. Anyway, it was about 4:30am when I got home, and stumbled into bed.
Then I woke too early and lay in watching cartoons, till 10:30ish, when I got up and spent most of the day stuffing around and playing Ultima. Then in the evening I showered, dressed up tidy and headed to Si's for a surprise birthday party he was throwing. On the way I bumped into Katherine and Nick - two people I spent a large amount of my childhood around, as our parents are close friends - to the point that out extended families have even all become friends. They've both been overseas for a while, so it was cool to have the little catch up I got. And I still made it to Si's on time too, actually a little early. The party was fun, and I got good eats in me. Though I felt really stink at the end that Renate, the birthday girl, drove me home - which is amazingly out of her way, being that she lives in the same building the party was in. And I got a hug out of Si, Yay, even if it wasn't exactly willing on his part.
Today I visited my family for a while, stuffed around a bit, and had tea with Alana, who gave me the first half of Season Three Buffy, for no real reason, but on the condition she can borrow it when she feels the need to see it. Yay, I have Buffy, which I think I will up and watch. I'll have to find quotes next time I write, as I'm getting a little behind in them.
Random Fun Links
The Lego Mini-Mixer - design your own Lego person - funnier than it sounds... really.
Perpetual Bubblewrap.
Today's quote is from the Buffy episode "Anne".
Willow: 'Kiss rocks'? Why would anyone want to kiss... Oh, wait. I get it.
27th August 2002 - Rufus, Mart.
Yesterday I woke to get up, and looked out my curtains to see snow falling. So I decided not to get up. Instead I lay in till 1pm watching Buffy. Then I rang Aaron who visited for a while until I headed off to my mother's for dinner. It turned out the dinner was a not-to-subtle ploy to make me babysit this morning. Anyway, then I headed home and spent last night failing to do homework. Go Me.
I got up this morning, having slept rather well and not only on fresh linen, but some of it even new. I watched the last of the Buffy eps in my box set (Gingerbread), then went around to babysit my brother who was...
Today's quote is from the Buffy episode "Band Candy".
i'm trying to tell you something about my life maybe give me insight between black and white and the best thing you've ever done for me is to help me take my life less seriously it's only life after all yeah well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable and lightness has a call that's hard to hear i wrap my fear around me like a blanket i sailed my ship of safety till i sank it i'm crawling on your shores i went to the doctor, i went to the mountains i looked to the children, i drank from the fountains there's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line and the less i seek my source for some definitive (the less i seek my source) the closer i am to fine the closer i am to fine
28th August 2002 - Augustine, Bp. and Doct.
Okay, I randomly vanished yesterday. But well, I had a sudden need to not even being living my life, much less re-living it, so I installed The Sims Vacation, and now a fair whack of my life shall be wasted away.
Where did I get up to?
Yesterday morning, I babysat my brother, fixed up some stuff for him on his computer, and sat by the fire failing to get any Chaucer homework actually done. Then I headed in to the university library and wasted a couple of hours, mainly getting frustrated at how user-friendly The Bible in English failed to be. I am such a crappy student, hours and hours at the library (I headed there at twelve and didn't get home till a bit after five), and entirely failed to get anything done. Then in the evening, The Sims happened. So another day wasted.
Today, I slept in, played a little more Vacation - I can't get my Sims to marry each other, even though they are completely in love, it's frustrating to the point I'm considering killing the both of them. Or just doing the world a favour and topping myself. Eventually I got up properly, and after showering, headed into the Catholic Library. The woman there was really helpful, and ready with the prayers. She actually let me borrow a book from their reference section, but only for a week. Then I went back to varsity and spent some time failing to do work in the library, set up an interloan and then came home.
You know that feeling when you just find yourself sitting thinking where you could stab yourself to end the dull pain of life the fastest? Well, maybe it's just a me thing. I'm doing a pretty amazing job of hating myself at the moment. My mind is doing stupid things to me, and as such I'm wasting time wallowing and never getting any homework done.
My head is just being mean to me. And I keep thinking things I'd really rather not be thinking. Like I had a really racist thought on Friday when I was getting fish and chips, and entirely disgusted myself. Well, it wasn't that I actually thought anything bad, but somewhere in my head the words "those people" come out, and my concious minds went - Oi, no - but by then I'd thought it and it was too late.
I'm being overly random, I should probably just go to bed. But I'm probably too grumpy to sleep.
I hate being me. I think the only good bits of today were getting email from Wormgirl, and spending a few minutes with Becky and Keys while they were mean about my most recent ex (actually that was over about 18 months ago - so I'm not sure how much 'recent' applies - but the definative 'ex' title is already held, so the most recent might just have to be forgotten and never mentioned again ever - to save on having to think up a title). I need to find someone new, but then last time that didn't work too well - being how hooked I still am on my definitive ex. I really have to stop that. I mean, I still tidy up, and even wear first tier underwear if I expect we'll see each other. I am So not dealing.
And on that note, I really must go. Otherwise this rant will go on forever. And I doubt any of this is actually making any sense.
Today's quote is "closer to fine" by Indigo Girls.
Missus, Will ya Make me tea? Make love to me? Put on the teley? To the BBC! To the BBC, Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! BBC 1! BBC 2! BBC 3! BBC 4! BBC 5! BBC 6! BBC 7! BBC heaven!
29th August 2002 - Decollation of S. John Baptist.
Today has been spent in the reasonable successful avoidance of lacrimation. I still don't really know why my head is doing what it is to me.
I've been trying to write my Chaucer essay all day, I even cancelled my lunch plans to work on it, but I'm getting no where. Just slowly filling myself up with the intense desire to just quit varsity, I already have one degree, the BA can just be incomplete, it's not like an Hons degree in English is actually going to help me in life. But then with all the crap in my head, I doubt I'll have all that much life to worry about. Not that I'm that likely to kill myself any time soon. To kill myself would require actual decision making and committing to the decision made. That and courage. And skill. Knowing my incompetence I'm pretty sure I'd stuff it up and not even manage to kill myself right.
I knew I'd be a wreck tomorrow, but I had been somewhat hoping today could have been all work related, and not bogged down by any of my crap. Maybe getting it out today will make tomorrow a bit easier.
Well, it's now 10:30pm and I have achieved bugger all in a day of complete work relatedness - admittedly my mood had something to do with it, but I've been working all day and written a third of my Chaucer essay, and all of that about the Prioress. Okay I did get a couple of loads of washing done, and vacuum my room. But still, this essay was supposed tobe quick and easy and finished by yesterday lunch time so today could have been Beowulf related and tomorrow Hons topic, but instead I'll have nothing to show Ian, and he shall be most displeased with me when I see him tomorrow. And it's not that I meant to not do work, I've been most working all week, I just have got bugger all done. Damn it. I'm actually trying and achieving far less than I have in the past on no work. Well, I want to get this essay finished tonight, but I think I'll work till midnight and see what happens.
Today's quote is from "BBC" by Ming-Tea and Mike Meyers.
If you're feeling sad and lonely, There's a service I can render. Tell the one who loves you, only, I can be so warm and tender. Call me. Don't be afraid, you can Call me. Maybe it's late, but just Call me. Tell me and I'll be around.
31st August 2002
- Cuthberga, V., not Mart.
As of yesterday, I've spent four years hooked on the same person. Go crazy me. In fact, I'm pretty sure over that whole time... wait, that a more information than I need to share thing...
Anyway, yesterday I got up early and finished my Chaucer essay, which to be fair is pretty shite. Then after fighting with my printer I headed off for lunch at Friendly Satay with Nina, it was nice, as I almost never see her any more. Then I went to the library fpr a while until my meeting with Supervisor Ian. He's not happy with my progress, not happy at all. Then I headed back to the library, picked up some books for my Beowulf essay,and headed home. Then Alana msg'd me and invited me out to dinner and DVDs. So along with Aaron we got Evolution (which is a shite movie) and Shallow Hal (which was actually pretty good). And there went my night.
Now it's morning, and I think I need to go play some Sims.
Today's quote is from "Call Me" by The Mike Flowers Pops.
