Closing of the worst year I have had

After Cats, I went for dinner at Oli and Greer's in the insane weather of that evening.

The following day I pottered about home and then the south end of town with an out of town friend and ended up having dinner with Alana's family at her mother's house.

Apart from friends feeding me, I have mostly just sat around my house feeling a bit miserable.  Still even more tired and run down than my usual.

Yesterday, I went to the supermarket for the first time in over a week and forgot the things I actually needed.  I am really not doing or achieving anything.

{edit}
Trying to motivate myself out of the house to be social for a New Year's, after several in a row at home, when I noticed Shitlord had turned up on dating apps - meaning he is either single or back to being a cheating arse again.  I texted like an idiot and he confirmed he efforts to be friends were the result of his relationship ending.
I suspected it, but having it confirmed wasn't great.
Why do I keep expecting better from him when he only ever lives up to my worst suspicions?

I have slid into a internet news cycle celebrities DMs

So Christmas happened.

Christmas eve I was too worn out from the day before.
I spent the earlier part of the day being a lazy fuck.  In the evening I got myself washed and dressed and went to a Christmas Eve dinner at the house of friends.  It was mostly nice but reminded me why I have made no effort to keep in touch with someone I may technically be friends with but who I find interaction with very, very hard.
Also, with the being sick and antisocial for so long it was the first time a few of my friend have properly had the chance to be mean about Shitlord to me...

Christmas day involved over ten hours of family.
A lunch and a dinner.
So much family.

Boxing Day, I could barely stand.
In the evening when i didn't have the energy to heat a can of soup I got sad about how many of the regular delivery things weren't running.  Ended up getting Dominos pizza, delivered by a surprisingly chatty Mason.  I assumed from how late he was running and that they seemed to be the only delivery food running that he should have been rushing but was still much more personable than DeliverEasy ever is - will have to keep that in mind should I be a shut in hermit craving human conversation again.
Then Alana and Mike turned up with some instant food to have me prepared for the future.  And then they ignored my pleas for them to stop and did a bunch of the housework that I was behind on.
My kitchen looks much more like it is safe to eat food from now.

After they left I read a news story passed on a twitter post and to much just following its links lead to the insta account of the person involved, to whom I sent a message - because trying to cheer up strangers is normal.  There has been a small amount of chatting since.
It is my first sliding into a strangers DMs.
I am now an instagram creeper.

Today Alana made me and Mike go to Cats with her.
It is not a good film.

Sleepiness is weakness of character.

As I had an alarm set for 0700, I went to bed at 2315.

Then came so much lying awake fuming about Shitlord and mentally adding him to the now two people list of people I would like to timetravel to avoid meeting and would do so even if the only way the process worked was to prevent their ever being born.  The other on the list being my problem with Anglicans.
Bunching Shitlord together with that monsters is maybe unfair to Shitlord, but both are manipulative creeps who use people with little regard to the effect that has and play the victim afterwards (suggesting no actual remorse).

I flipped my phone over to see that it was past midnight so I could get angry at myself for failing to sleep.  It was past 0200, which tracked as I had done a lot of fuming.
I got to sleep not too much after that as I needed to pee and in getting up to discovered I had soaked the pillow in nightsweats from the gross face - which I am assuming required I had been asleep for it to happen.

Very tired.  And have multiple appointments.
Stupid failing physical and mental health all needing follow ups.

The weird last dream of the night probably didn't help.  Was like captain planet but clearly cBBC, being a mix of different British girls with elemental powers coming from sort -of-heart shaped talismans.  The Scottish girl had powers of creating chocolate....

And then I get up, shower, write the above and then discover I have run out of porridge.  My breakfast plans....
And now I am making myself late.

In other news I briefly thought I was have a brain aneurysm earlier tonight when I have a sudden, intensive and extremely localised increase in my migraine.
It was very unpleasant.  But also something that I used to get a lot, my meds mean I mostly forget that it gets that bad - except on the, now far rarer, occasions when it does.

Bad people are bad, as it happens.

The one mutual friend I have with Shitlord's other guy was all "at least he finally came to his sense".

Shitlord's sudden forceful overtures of friendship are just because he got dumped.  After months of ignoring me he wants to be friends because he has lost everyone who likes him and needs someone to feed his narcissism.

How did I forgot how much he uses people enough to think it was worth investigating the possibility of friendship.

The worst thing for me is me

Have been spiralling a little, which is all my own stupid fault for thinking I could human around Shitlord - especially when I was already spiralling a bit about having turned forty.
When I first got sick I was very certain that I would not just be a lingering waste of resources and now more than twelve years later I still haven't politely killed myself - which I understand was an unhealthy thing to be spiralling about but it was happening and, frustratingly, almost makes the return to Shitlord spiralling an improvement.....
He who destroyed what mental health I had through years of gaslighting, and paid so little attention that I am pretty sure he has zero concept of how damaging he is to people.  Though took blame for the pneumonia pretty quickly, before I even actually got to the blaming him part of the explanation.

I am pretty much just fucked up.

On Thursday I had a pleasant lunch outing with Midget and my goddaughter, which I had intended to Christmas shop after but was so exhausted from late night movie that it was all the spoons I had.

Friday I had lunch with Greer and then met a internet friend for a cafe beverage.  I don't think I was fun to meet in person, but he was polite about it and I may have briefly mentioned non-Shitlord topics.  Probably not a good few days to meet me in.
And again I failed to Christmas shop - did look in a few stores trying to find something for my mother, but after the go to things I know she likes don't seem to exist any more I was too exhausted t manage anything more.

I  have not been sleeping great since Shitlord texted to ask about the movie.  So much anger at myself and disappointment in him.  And confusion at my brain.

The weekend has been in my PJs, playing a mix of Pokemon Sword and Tales of Maj'Eyal while watching Netflix.  Finishing off Crazy Ex Girlfriend and then binging all of The Witcher in one go.
Unable to nap and still not sleeping so good.

And I have my follow up hospital appointment tomorrow, to check the pneumonia isn't still visible inside me.  And my actual final counselling apointment - my counsellor will be so very disappointed in the harmful decisions I have made in the last week.  Mostly the going to Star Wars.

Oxytocin is a bitch

I didn't enjoy the movie that much.  The Jedi stuff was too magic.  It was a fantasy move but with really ugly random elves.  JJ Abrams and the team with him was too keen on spectacle and making everything bigger and they did a terrible job of making it consistent with the series.  Also, the plot holes....

And I should not have hugged Shitlord good night.  It was an awkward turned mostly out of the way hug that was almost closer to a shoulder barge, but the moment we were in contact I just melted.
Three months of not interacting in person, I wasn't expecting the feelings to still be at full strength - which is stupid as we had a relationship of regular months long gaps.
He really was bad to go out with.

It was all just so awkward.
That he is still sticking with his "I never meant to hurt you, I kept things going to avoid hurting you, even though that really just made it all much, much worse" argument doesn't help.
I am not sure if he is lacking in self awareness or just hoping that he can appeal to my overly trusting nature enough to play me again.

When I challenged it by saying it seemed a lot like he was just keeping me around in case the other guy didn't work out (something I had asked a couple of times if that was a thing long before I actually knew there actually were other guys) he went silent and avoided eye contact.  So yeah, that was a part of it, and he knew it was wrong.  Wrong enough he didn't even attempt his usually dismissive defensiveness.

Why do I have so many positive feelings for someone who is such a dick.

Mostly today I am just angry at myself for my feelings.  And angry at how much I enjoy his company still.
I would really like him as a friend, but after the shit he has done I am not sure if that is something I can ever really do.

Getting home at 0330, after a long post movie chat with Shitlord.  Yes, I am an idiot.  I am far too in love and far too angry to be trying to be friends that much yet.

I am just hurting and confusing myself.

Stupidly nervous - probably a sign I should not go

I have been a ball of nerves all day and have eaten my entire strategic junk food supply.

I don't want to see Shitlord.  I really should not have agreed to this.  I am an idiot.

Definiately an idiot

Every single one of my friends who has heard of my "going to Star Wars with the same group I went to those other four Disney Star Wars films with" plan has strongly disapproved.

I should have said no, but then I'd have had to sort going with someone else and effort....
Much better to have stayed awake last night stressing over it and probably be left with a bunch of emotional turmoil afterward.   Definitely better than having to ask around to find a group that doesn't involve Shitlord to go with.....

Had been planning out an entry in my head about home weird and ham-fisted Shitlord's old landlord was - to the point it almost seems like he wanted it to look like he was trying to fix things but really just trying to make me stay away.

But then this evening Shitlord sent me an invite to go to Star Works with the people from his work.  He claims it was the ticket bought for me, so either he avoided letting on to his workmates at all that he no longer needed two tickets or he was planning on taking someone else and I am a last minute replacement.

I seem to have agreed to go.  Partially as I had been drafting him a complaint that I never intended to send about how I had seen all the Disney Star Wars films with him and now he was forcing me to break the pattern on the 5th one.
Partially as I like a lot of his work friends.
Partially as I couldn't think of a reason not to beyond not being sure if I think he counts as a human.
Partially as I make bad choices.


Otherwise today was mostly uneventful.  I had an appointment with my doctor's office to have a nurse give me my Annual Diabetes Review - about 18 months after my last one.
All my test results were like they came from someone much healthier than I am, as they always do.
Only number on her list she could complain about was my weight so she lectured me on eating healthier for a while.

I should be more careful with my health, but I will still be chronically ill regardless, which makes it so much harder to justify the efforts.

Softness and cake

The loan mattress is very soft.
Sleeping on it is weird as it kind of feels like it is trying to eat me.  Or at least smother me.

And I woke in the small hours crying (at least it was hours past being my birthday by that point) over how much my brain had decided I miss Shitlord.  Being still kind of in love with him is very very irksome.  The combination of having a creep try to guilt me into being friendlier to Shitlord and then seeing him....  it was all just a bit much for me as it turns out.

Stupid brain chemistry.

So unhelpful.

And I did such a good job of utterly ignoring the little voice telling me to hug him as I walked past, so instead it breaks my mind open in the middle of the night.

Then I had a day of listening to an audio book and playing a little Pokemon until it was time to shower and dress and go to the party that was thrown for me.

I have much better friends than I deserve.

The party was nice.   One of my Claires made me a fantastic raspberry and rhubarb cake.  My trans-sister made a rainbow coconut cake that had some issues with running colours and ended up mostly just red and green.  Very December.
I had failed to invite many people and it was all pretty last minute at the busiest time of year but was still a nice turn out.  Not a lot of people, but good people.

I ate too much, even after carefully only having a little slice of the good cake (though did eat the leftovers (slightly over a quarter of the cake) for breakfast today - like a fatty).

Grreg and Oli dropped me home, in the scheme of things pretty early.

My friends were great and left me feeling the most liked and valued that I have felt in a long time.

And I only ranted about Shitlord for like 10% of the night.



Today I have caught up on some TV, and mid afternoon i put a bit over an hour into starting the LEGO treehouse that I bought myself for my birthday.  But after back spasms kicked in I need to give up rather quick.
I hate how sickly I am.
And how much my brain still misses people it should not.

What a way to celebrate being basically a corpse now

The day has featured too much family.
After seeing Shitlord and him 'living up to expectations' had set the day off to a pretty shite start, I then just saw too much of my family.

Lunch with dad and Ev, then shopping with dad, then an evening of going to a Naval Reserve event for dad, with Ev.  Then a late dinner out with them.
Too much family.

Though late afternoon I had the distraction of my mattress finally being picked up, hopefully to get fixed.
Left in its place in a Loan Mattress.
The concept of a loan mattress is not pleasant.  It does seem super clean, but still....

Am still so annoyed about seeing Shitlord and the way he behaved.
After having received all that nagging about how I owe him continued friendship, he really wasn't backing that up.

Less of a Santa

Hair and beard trimmed back.
I look more human now and less "festive".

Because I have all the luck, I bumped into Shitlord in the street on the way to get my hair cut.
He ignored me, which might be my birthday present from him or is more likely a sign he forgot and just doesn’t care to even make polite greetings in passing.

Very nearly decrepit

Today I went to my counsellor for what was supposed to be my last appointment with him.  I ranted a lot about the messages from Shitlord's old landlord.
I ranted a bit about some spirals of dark thoughts.
And I rambled a bunch about basically nothing.

He decided I will get another session, though that will be mostly about following up on a referral to another service he is making for me.
He also explained that the service I had found advertised online was for people far worse than I am.  I am too sane for its DHB funded services.

Otherwise not much for the day.  Apart from hearing that the surgery my grandmother was waiting for, itself the reason I had avoided her in case I was germy, was cancelled as they found some irregularities.  She may just be sick, but it may also be cancer.

Annoying I have avoided her so long for no reason.

More of them

Yesterday featured more messages from Shitlord's old landlord.

Apparently I was never going out with Shitlord and that withholding my friendship over my misunderstanding is unfair of me.
I don't think this guy realises that all he is doing is confirming that Shitlord and the truth have an unconventional relationship.

It is just unpleasant for me, and is in no way making me want to make any more effort.  I have already put more effort into the possibility of my friendship with Shitlord than he deserves.


Last night I had subway for dinner and played some D&D 5th ed with friends.  I don't understand 5th ed much at all, but it is simplified so I should be okay.  First time playing actual D&D in almost a decade.  Normally when I tell people I am off to D&D it is just an easier way of saying Pathfinder.

And in happier news, Shitlord's flatmates (who I want to steal as friends) remembered my birthday without any reminder from me.  Am really hoping Shitlord himself does not remember it.
Or that as a present to me he would move to Wellington for the guy he was most cheating on me with (that I know of) and leave my city be - also making it much easier to keep those of his friends who I get along with.
But if his old landlotd is right he is staying in Dunedin.  Not that I suspect he tells the truth to anyone and that is the answer the old landlord (who also confirmed himself to be someone else Shitlord was sleeping with) would have most wanted to hear.

People....

Checked a dating site, in fact the one I met Shitlord on all those years ago, to find a message from a month ago (I had not checked in well over a month, it is almost like a signed up for things again to show I was moving on but had no interest in using them) from one of his old people friends (one who had been pretty open about disliking me) asking me to extend my friendship because clearly my believing I had ever been anything more than friends with Shitlord had just been confusion on my part.

I do not like Shitlord's old people friends, and this has just added to that.
I should take up religion so I can pray that they all get cancer and die.
Or pray that a sniper shoots off Shitlord's junk (as I can think of nothing else he would actually care enough about to feel real loss).
Because spite is what religion is for, right?

Was semi-helpful to someone. I have a use.

Today I left the house, I went with Carla to help her shop for Christmas present for her husband.
And we had lunch with him and another friend.
I was a person.  I interacted with people.  I had a break from isolation so crippling that I have enjoyed my sibling visiting recently.
And I got blood tests taken to check on my diabetes, they were supposed to be taken around the time of my missed exam but with the pneumonia it ended up very late.
By the time she got me home I could barely stand up.  I had basically just had a day of watching, I didn't even walk all that much, but it left me destroyed.  I stumbled up to my flat and had a nap.

There are a bunch of things I meant to sort for this week, but they probably will not end up happening as I am lacking the spoons to be that much of a human.

Tonight, I am too drained to find the energy to play Pokemon.  Will watch a bit of TV before bed even though I don't trust myself to remember much of anything tonight.

Damn those brains

I went to bed before 2230 last night as I was falling asleep in my chair.  And got to sleep pretty quickly (for me).

Then woke a few hours later coated in sweat and became very anxious that the fever was back, and thus the infection of the pneumonia.
The rest of the night then when to dozing broken up with fits of anxiety.  First about the infection and then just about all the things I am anxious about.

Fortunately the sweating stopped so hopefully it was just from unexpected warmth and not fever.

Those Brains

As my brain continues to fill the social isolation with unhelpful thoughts there is a bunch of missing Shitlord popping up.
All of it just leads to being reminded how miserable he made me even when things were 'good'.

Why did I give five years of my life to someone who was so not good to me?



The being all pneumonia and post-pneumonia stuck at home this close to a big depressing birthday has generally just done very bad things for my mental state.  I am not doing okay but I have no idea how to describe what exactly is going so bad and no idea what could help - which means I can't ask for help because I have no idea what help I need.

Brains

Woke in the middle of the night, super angry at Shitlord.  And lay awake for hours seething in said anger.  Because I am exhausted all the time even when I succeed at sleeping decently.  So helpful stupid Matthew brain.

Then I woke early thinking about the first person I ever thought i might have been in love with, back in high school.  I am pretty sure he didn't know, though was convinced everyone could tell at the time.
I messaged him on facebook when I got up, though in all the years I have had him on facebook he has never replied to any of my messages.

In the last five minutes it went from dry out to significant surface flooding - this is not Dunedin weather.  Stupid climate change.

I turn 40 in less than a week, and I still don't really expect to live to be 40.

There is no particular reason why I won't, it just seems like making it to 40 is an unlikely outcome from a life as shit as mine.

Lungs are the enemy

Going down my stairs and then back up was enough to leave my lung hurting more than it did from the walk to town and back yesterday.
My body is a jerk.

So little done today, is evening and I have not managed to wash or dress myself.  Because I have spent the whole day feeling exhausted and weak.

And now my chest is so fucking sore.

Muscle cramps

As has been an annoying pattern over the last month, after any physical anything I get muscle cramps.

I should be sleeping, but my legs are cramping so bad. 
Walking to town at a lazy pace should not be able to do this.

Shattered

I went for lunch with Oli today.  I was feeling pretty good so thought I should walk to town, I am supposed to be getting in daily light exercise and am mostly not.
It was nice, I went to the supermarket afterwards which was less nice.  New World had some December 5th one day Christmas themed sale with all the staff in costume and many many reps giving out free samples of things.  It was too loud, had I ASD then it would have been awful.  Times to be glad I am mostly neurotypical.  Actually, that might be all the times, I have enough problems as is.
On the way home I jumped into one of Shitlord's friends who I think I am successfully stealing.  Yay for new friends and for Shitlord being left friendless and alone.   Okay, I am feeling the hurt still and sometimes I need to vent that as pure bitterness.  All that bottling has had me pretty tender on the whole subject.

I got home and everything started to really hurt.  Even my neck muscles are angry about holding up my head.  It is their one job and they are still acting like it is an unreasonable request.

This extra level of fatigue is deeply frustrating.

Bottling

The weeks of being too sick to think, so mostly forgetting about Shitlord were not moving on.  They were bottling up.  unwanted thoughts have come back with a vengeance.

I am not a fun person to be just now.  My body still hurts a lot and now my brain is adding its level of less tangible pain to everything.

Don't get pneumonia

I had a very weird dream last night where I became the most hated man in the country after getting an All Black busted as a serious criminal - the AB in question was a certain Hungarian I know who I don't think has even watched rugby in the years I have known him.

After that I was very awake.

So I have spent today extra exhausted and sore.

Pneumonia sucks.

And I have done basically nothing with my day, though after a weekend at it I am now three gym badges in to Pokemon Sword.