Disclaimer

Though a "Diary" my online diary is a work of FICTION.

It may at times strongly reflect actual events of my life, often how I honestly perceived them and display my genuine reactions. But not always and everything contained within should be treated as a fiction.

This is also a personal diary, so by reading it you are violating my privacy. And as it is a personal diary you are not allowed to hold anything you read in it against me, as you shouldn't have been reading it anyway.

Also, this diary is not to be read by anyone who has gone out with me, would like to go out with me in the future, or suspects I may like to go out with them.

Click Here for the old site, as backed up by Wayback Machine (I have gone with the 2007 version as it is the latest that is still before vodafone crunched a bunch of my files)

Sunday, 28 December 2003

December 2003

I may soon have a job, currently I'm poor and unemployed.

2nd December 2003.
Yesterday I spent mostly waiting for Toyworld to ring, though I also applied for a job working for Chin, which I think he will hire me for, though i'm not sure I want to do it. I also stuffed around a bunch. Actually, the exciting (if depressing) thing yesterday was transferring $920 to Simon's bank account so he can upgrade my 'puter. Oh, and I had an attack of hayfever last night. Fie on it.
Today was quite similar, stuffing around at home hoping Toyworld would ring and going to Student Job Search to see what else is going. Mostly I've just been reading, with a bit of updating of my palladium page.

^_^..greeting from a girl in china.i came across a fun place to view...that's ur site...happy to know u and thanks for bringing happiness to me!

4th December 2003 - Osmund, Bp. and Conf.
I have my new computer. It currently has very little on it, and I need to go sleep. So I guess I'll have to write proper tomorrow, and download an FTP client so I can actually upload this thing.
Today's quote is from a message I was sent from my webpage - I feel all nice and warm and fuzzy now.

5th December 2003.
I was up far too late getting things like email going. All the basics seem to be working now, which is all good. My only big problem was neopets, the norton internet security software (which I actually legally own - wahoo) blocks neopets, so I have to turn it off to neopet. A little frustrating.
This morning I installed a bunch of games. Slowly I'm getting everything working again, and pruning out some crap I don't use. Then I headed to SJS to find out that other people got the jobs I was after - something Nina could have told me earlier but didn't - wahoo for having friends..... Then I fetched Dot for lunch and we got cheap Chinese and spent a couple of hours in town, before I headed to see Chin and be told just how much he doesn't need to employ me.

6th December 2003 - Nicholas, Bp. and Conf.
Okay, I stopped writing a bit premature yesterday. Midget turned up in a bad mental place and required my full attention. I ended up talking to her until 4 in the morning. During that time walking into town with her to buy alcohol and back again so she could sit in my room and drink it.
Then this morning I woke up too early and couldn't get back to sleep. Dash it all. I've spent the day since playing puter games or messaging at Si. And I went to my mothers and got her christmas trees and decorations down from her attic, as neither her nor my brother handle heights, and the ladder also requires a minimum level of athletic ability - which, quite surprisingly, I have. It was made even less fun my the fact my mother's attic is full of mice.
Actually, in all the new computer distraction I've left out stuff I had intended to write about.
I spent Wednesday hanging out with Meg - which was kind of fun, I'd never really spent much time with her except with Tina, and it made from an enjoyable afternoon. And we finally returned each others swapped books - after many months of my being too slack to organise it. We spent the afternoon in town, went to a Japanese restaurant (Minami) for dinner, and then came back to my place and chatted for a while longer. It was actually pretty cool.
I also met my ex's new boyfriend recently. He seems to be a geniunely nice and decent guy. Damn it, it means there is nothing I can rationally dislike him for - he seems to be entirely likeable. Which means my dislike of him is entirely based on my own creepy issues. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Life would be much easier if I wasn't all creepy issues having. Actually, I've also been being paranoid that my ex is trying to slowly ease out of our friendship - I've just sometimes got the feeling I'm treating the friendship as being far closer than it is seen from the other side. But then sometimes things between us are really good. I'm probably just being paranoid.

7th December 2003 - Oct. of S. Andrew, Ap.
It's late and I should sleep. And I especially shouldn't be talking to people. I sent a long insane rant email at Stew, and ranted a bit at my FormerBit. That was bad as I ended up basically saying "you were just a rebound to get me over my ex", which isn't true and not something I should have said. The getting over my ex thing was supposed to be merely an added bonus.
I'm too much of a head case to write, so I think I might go sleep, otherwise I'll sit be sitting here when midnight hits, and I'm tired and grumpy enough already.

New York Defender - A fun little java game. My challange to you is to beat the score of 4974 that I got first play.

8th December 2003 - Conception of Blessed Mary.
Okay, I realised this morning, while I was lying in bed sorting crap in my head, that I've been using my ex as a sort of focal point / scape goat for all the problems I've been having with quite a few of my friends. It isn't fair of me, and it probably isn't healthy for me either. I realised that I take friendship a bit seriously, and that I'm also quite paranoid about whether or not any of my friends actually like me, especially those friends I consider close. Quite a few of them, I'm reasonably sure, don't consider me to be one of their closer friends and that bugs me. I don't mind that there are people in the world who don't like me, or have little to no opinion of me, what bugs me is that their are people who are important to me to whom I am not important.
Yes, I realise this is childish and selfish and that I am a big git for thinking this way, but it's how I feel.
Wow, I started this entry over two hours ago, and haven't actually written much - TV distracted me, and chatting to Midget, and generally stuffing around. The wrong team won the Mitre 10 Dream Home, but both teams ended up in the houses they made, and that is what is important.
I spent much of today complaining that my ears were cold. I have a hair cut, the first since 12th August. I have a WHOLE lot less hair now. It looks good, it's almost the same hair cut I got last time, I like it. Number two on sides and back, shortish - but not THAT short - on top.
I still haven't worked out what I'm doing my masters on. It should all be sorted by now. I have to do it over the next couple of days, between haphazardly organising the pot luck dinner I'm having on Wednesday to celebrate my birthday. Hopefully a decent number of people will turn up. I'm having it mid-week to try and avoid clashes with graduation things, and still people are already busy. Frustrating said busy people include those graduating whose graduation things I was avoiding.
Anyway, I'm much less angry and ranting tonight than I was last night - which has to be a good thing. Though at some stage I'll have to apologise to those who bore the brunt of last night.
Wahoo, I've converted Katie to neopets.
Anyway, I might head off. Bye.

11th December 2003.
I feel gross, and my flat is full of desserts.
Well, Tuesday I didn't do that much, shopped for some supplies and stuffed around a whole bundle updating computer games and the like.
Yesterday I went in to the supermarket and bought supplies. I stopped to talk to my cousin Breffni and ended up being mocked by childrens presenters (the ones off the Saturday morning Disney thing - sad gits that they are) which I felt was entirely inappropriate. I may have to take to sleeping in on Saturday and boycott their crappy show (which I only ever watch for Fillmore anyway). Then after shopping (which after going to different supermarkets to get the best price ended up taking far too long) I came home and cleaned up the house and pruned my mp3 list to be party friendly (and then used my stereo all night and not my mp3s at all) and set things up.
People arrived and it went very well. I stressed and rushed about making sure everyone's food was heated and served and all that stuff, and their ended up being too many people for the lounge, so the kitchen filled up with people as well. It was actually a pretty cool night. There were a few people I hoped to see who didn't show - the Szetos (or is that Szetoes, like tomatoes) and Simon - but for the most part the turn out was surprisingly good. And there was SO much food. Infact all the desserts didn't get eaten, so I may have to fatten up my flatmate.
I didn't get to bed till two, yet still woken up at half seven. Today I shall be a little bit grumpy. And I'm disgustingly full of sugar.
I may see if I can convince Si to take to left over biersticks off my hands. I like them, but I can't eat many - and I still have lots.
Ergh, I was about to write some more in this but my index fingers have started to hurt (I burnt the tips of both of them last night through the use of inadequate oven-mit while cooking sausage rolls) so I think I might just go to bed. Stupid frail human flesh.

Inuit say Arctic climate change is human rights abuse
12 December 2003

MILAN: Inuit hunters say a thawing of Arctic ice is threatening their human rights in a novel bid to raise pressure on the United States to do more to fight global warming.

"The human rights of Inuit are under threat as a result of human-induced climate change," Sheila Watt-Cloutier, chair of the Inuit Circumpolar Conference (ICC), told a news conference during a 180-nation UN meeting on climate change in Milan yesterday.
The ICC represents about 155,000 Inuit in Alaska, Canada, Greenland and Russia and says that rising temperatures are undermining traditional lifestyles based around hunts of animals like seals, whales, walruses and polar bears.
In recent years, some hunters have drowned by falling through thinning ice, while thawing permafrost is destabilising buildings and triggering mudslides. UN studies say the Arctic Ocean may be largely ice-free in summer by 2100.
"These are issues of life and death," Watt-Cloutier said. "We go out to hunt on the sea ice to put food on the table. You go to the supermarket."
She said the group was exploring legal ways to link human rights and climate change to put pressure on the United States and other nations to do more to cut emissions of greenhouse gases like carbon dioxide.
She said the Inuit were likely to complain about global warming to the Washington-based Inter-American Commission on Human Rights, a part of the Organisation of American States.
The Commission's rulings are non-binding but "powerful governments do not like to be branded as human rights violators," she said. "We will probably decide exactly what to do around April next year."
ARCTIC WARMS FASTEST
UN climate models say that global warming, blamed mainly on carbon dioxide from cars and power plants, is felt first in polar regions. Most heat rebounds off white ice but when the ice thaws, the darker water and land below soak up far more heat.
"The Arctic is the barometer of global environmental health," Watt-Cloutier said. Climate change was threatening many Arctic animals while bringing new species like barn owls and ducks, as well as swarms of flies in summer.
She urged nations to sign up for the UN Kyoto protocol meant to curb global warming. Washington pulled out in 2001, saying Kyoto unfairly excluded developing nations and was too costly to implement. Russia has yet to decide whether to ratify.
Paul Crowley, a lawyer for the Inuit, said they were unlikely to try to sue the United States for global warming because it was probably too expensive. Suing is an idea suggested by some low-lying Pacific Island states that could be washed away by rising sea levels.
Reuters

12th December 2003
.
My fingers hurt less now. Which is all good. I don't feel like writing anything now, I just wanted to quote the news article on the global warming thing. Not sure why, just thought I should.

13th December 2003 - Lucy, V. not Mart.
It's my birthday, and I have no plans to do much of anything.
Yesterday I mostly just stuffed around. It was too warm and muggy. I watched the DVD my cousin Breffni gave me for my birthday (Just Married), and failed to get around to reading Pearl - which I have to read this weekend to aid in choosing my masters topic. I went to the supermarket - which was the only time I left my flat all day - so dull is my life - and ended up havign a very long conversation (well, monologue, I mostly just listened) with Katherine May about societies treatment of lesbians, and to a lesser extent women in general. So mostly it was a pretty uneventful day. My friday night was even spent watching TV and playing computer games, after having eating cheesecake with my flatmate. Crofter's Black Forest Cheesecake is very nice.
Well, it's now the morning of my birthday and I have nothing special on. I might try and get Si ti watch Whale Rider with me, as he has a bunch of home theatre-ish stuff. And a couple of my friends are graduating, so I might watch the parade. And I think I'm meeting one of them for graduation drinks this evening.

14th December 2003 - Sun in Capricornus. Winter Solstice.
I was going to write, but I'm too tired. I had a very late night last night, well, this morning. It was after four before I got home, and almost five by the time I made it to bed, and then woken by the thunder at about nine. So I need to go sleep, well fill in details later.

16th December 2003 - O Sapientia.
Okay, on my birthday Alana fed me dinner, on the condition I played the Neopets trading card game with her. It was actually pretty cool. As TCGs go. Then I headed into town and met up with Becky and Nina at their post-graduation/farewell drinks (I had earlier taken photos of them both at the graduation parade). It was fun, though for the most part Nina ignored me, but that is something I should have got used to - ever since her bf moved to Dunedin (almost three years ago) the amount of time she has for me has steadily reduced. I ended up going clubbing with Becky and some of her friends. Well, to the pool club by countdown for an hour or so and then off to Chez Sleaze. I hadn't been to KCs in yonks, and when we got there is was dead - which was good as we had rule of the dance floor, though not long later it took off. And once it took off I realised it is still just as gross as it ever was. And I was getting bored as I was the only boy in a big group of paired-off lesbians. Fortunately Alexandrea turned up with some of her friends, so I spent the evening dirty dancing with her - I'm so glad her fiance didn't see it, he'd have hit me. I got home far too late.
Sunday I was grumpy from shortage of sleep. I went to my families, and was given Spirited Away on DVD, which was all good. And I was given an el cheapo DVD player - something I had been very vocal about not wanting earlier in the year. Then I got in a screaming match with my mother - who got pissed off at my not being grateful enough, which made me angry and entirely unlikely to ever be grateful for anything ever again.
Yesterday I had lunch with Dot at Golden Horse. It was good and cheap. I spent the evening helping Katie set up her new laptop with games. And I was good and walked her home afterward, as it was after 11, and girls shouldn't be walking around in the night - being girls and all.
Today I stuffed around a bunch, Michiel visited and returned my Zimm, and then I went in to town to buy shoes, as mine were falling apart something chronic. I bumped into Dot in town, and got her to pick shoes for me. They are navy blue with stripes that change from yellow to orange in the light, and were under $18. Go cheap shoes.
Bad part was that I banged my hand in town, and it's actually injured and VERY sore. Bugger it.
I think I might go sleep now, and rant about my crappy new DVD player not being able to playing Firefly or Buffy later. Stupid not playing Buffy. A DVD player should darn well play DVDs.

18th December 2003.
Yay, I finally got my DVD player to play Buffy. It required some rearranging of the wires connecting things together, and the sound has to go through my stereo. But atleast I made the bitch work.
Yesterday I went to varsity and did some panicking about my masters, read some articles, almost got a fine for having a close reserve book for too long and then got sunburnt walking home from varsity. And it was too damn warm. Stupid warmness.
This morning I went and saw Supervisor Greg and I am now enrolled as a Masters student, I start my masters on 1st March - after I finish summer school. Then I had lunch with Alana and came home to make my stupid DVD player finally actually work.

21st December 2003 - Thomas, Ap.
was going to write, too tired.

22nd December 2003.
Friday I stupidly realised it was the five year anniversary of the first time i got dumped, so I sulked about it. Fortunately I got Dot to come around and watch Whale Rider with me in the afternoon, and then in the evening Katie to watch Princess Mononoke. Having people around makes pretending you're not sulking much easier.
Saturday morning I attempted to christmas shop, but after picking up the photos I took of Nina and Becky's graduation (on a roll which turned out to have photos I took while doing walking tracks around the place with Si and Renate) and grabbed a birthday present for my little cousin, I gave up in disgust and returned home in xmas shopping frustration. The afternoon and evening was spent at Michiel and Cathy's wedding anniversary BBQ - where Midget picked on me lots. Then I went to Tash's going away drinks, hosted by Aaron - whose new gf seems to be rubbing off on him. I find I have less to talk to him about than I used to. The night was fun though, even if I didn't manage to steal Tim's hat.
Sunday morning I had to get up stupid early for my cousin Lucas's 5th birthday party. being awake on Sunday morning's takes effort, and is some how wrong. It was ok though. Then I came home and blobbed until dinner with my gradparents. I spent entirely too much of yesterday with my family.
Anyway, I should probably get up proper and go christmas shopping. Stupid christmas, I hate it so much.

25th December 2003 - Nativity of Our Lord Jesus Christ.
Merry Consumer-fest.
I'm really not a Christmas fan.
Monday my shopping went wrong when Tim ripped my pants and I had to buy new pants - which lead to Christmas shopping not actually happening. Stupid Tim, he could atleast have given me his hat to make up for it.
On Tuesday with the help of Dot I actually got the vast majority of my shopping done.
Yesterday I picked up the last couple of presents I'd missed and stuffed about. The phone line had been tied up for two days downloading software my beast of a brother wanted for xmas - I got it down middle of the night last night.
Today I was grumpy and had to get up stupid early for family christmas crap. And it was too busy being all busy. I hate Christmas and I'm grumpy. I might off, and return to rant later.

26th December 2003 - Stephen, Protomartyr.
Again with the too tired and grumpy to write.

27th December 2003 - John, Ap. and Evan.
Okay, on Christmas I was grumpy just from lack of sleep and too much time spent with my family. My mother and brother both get very annoying very fast - especially when they are both in the same place. I had present with them at 8:30am, followed by going to their neighbours to exchange gifts. This took till lunch time, then extended family christmas dinner lunch took up the afternoon. In the evening I went to my father's, but my brother was pissing me off, so I went home and was grumpy and wrote the xmas entry above.
Yesterday I did the boxing day sale thing, and ended up just window shopping. I was too tired and grumpy to actually feel like buying anything.
Today I actually bought something - Shadows of Undrentide for Neverwinter Nights. I'm hoping it turns out to be more enjoyable than first glances suggest. I was also tired today as I was woken in the night by nasty toothache - not a happy look. This afternoon I fed the cat on mum's street that I'm looking after - and I start looking after mum's aswell as of tomorrow. Then this evening I was getting grumpy at the game not being as much fun as it ought to have been so I went and visited Si with his christmas present and caught up for a while. Sometimes I worry that I'm a crappy friend, I'm all self involved and don't give some of my friends anywhere near the attention they deserve.

28th December 2003 - Holy Innocents, Martt.
Merry Childermas.
I spent today playing Shadows of Undrentide, I'm a little hooked. And now I should sleep that I may play some more in the morning - sad git that I am.

Sunday, 30 November 2003

November 2003

Exams suck, and I have to find a job.

manly_man got their Neopet at http://www.neopets.com

2nd November 2003 - Com. of All Souls. At Vespers, Mem. of S. Mary, Mem. of S. Eustachius and his Compp.
Ergh, I was going to write, but I got distracted by neopets, and now it's time I ought sleep, having two exams tomorrow and all, and being very under prepared.

3rd November 2003 - Wenefred, V. and Mart.
Ok, bit of catchin up to do.
Thursday I had micro - it actually went surprisingly well, I think. It's possible it'll turn out like BIOC did last semester, where I thought I'd done quite well and got a C-, but it seemed good. Afterwards I had lunch with Alana and watched her shop for a dress to where to Rachel's wedding in January. Then I came home and stuffed around. In the evening Si wasn't chatting, so I had a long chat with my FormerBit on a bunch of the stuff normal people would have talked about if the first days of going out - turns out we have some similar interests, which was scary.
Friday I split between biopharmaceutical chem study and procrastinating something chronic.
Saturday morning I had an uber evil exam. It'll be the one I fail. Then I did some window shopping, had lunch with Dot and had a nice relaxing day.
Yesterday was Physical Pharmacy study, again with far too much procrastination involved. And I went to my grandparents' for dinner, which was quite nice.
This morning I had my first exam of the day, I suck at Physical Pharmacy. I should have passed, but it's possible Saturday's exam could gain a friend in the exams I've failed box. I missed a big chunk out as I just didn't remember anything about it. And I left early. On the way home I saw Si, and waved as he was looking my way, and he turned and ran off (well, maybe a high-speed scurry is a more accurate description). I'm choosing to believe he was just in a hurry and didn't see me, as I'm sulking enough about the mornings exam, and being that I have to go to another one in about an hour, no additional sulking is required.

4th November 2003.
I should have studied today, but I had a big nasty painful sty, which is still big and puffy but has at least stopped hurting now.
Anyway, yesterday after writing the above I went to my stupid afternoon exam and just didn't have enough time. I knew how to do pretty much all of it, I just didn't have enough time - in fact it's the only exam I've stayed till the end of in a LONG time. Then I visited Ian just to chat, and a little to lament that he can't be my supervisor. Then I bowled up the stairs and visited my FormerBit. It was actually really nice, we chatted for ages, and I managed to limit my drooling to only semi-visible. Last night I looked in the mirror and realised why my eye had been hurting all day, my eye lid was all red and swollen and generally nasty. And I chatted to Si online, he was just being in a hurry, and I was being paranoid.
Today I've done nothing productive at all. Just lay around feeling miserable - as my eye was hurting. I watched Sunday's episode of Gilmore Girls again, and then watched Iris, which is a really good movie - but more than a little depressing. Mostly I just played a bunch of computer game-age. And I had dinner and mocked Ozzie Idol with Alana.

8th November 2003 - The Four Crowned Martyrs.
On Wednesday I kept playing Neverwinter Nights and not studying for my law exam. Then in the evening when I should have got stuck in I went to Midget's for a BBQ and a little fireworks before coming home and starting to do some work. But not much as it was late and I was sleepy. Sleepiness didn't help after I got woken up by fireworks at 2:30am and then again not long later by fighting cats, after that I couldn't get back to sleep, but kept trying to, so basically ended up tired and sleep deprived as well as having done no study.
Needless to say I was grumpy on Thursday morning. Though I went to the exam and it was pretty good, except that the law section just had too much stuff for me to do in the time we had - but everyone said that, so I'm probably fine. After the exam I went to The Asian on Moray Place with a group of my classmate and got drunk while eating chinese food. Always a good look to be walking home drunk through town mid-afternoon, the looks you get for it, I felt so not good, people kept judging me. Anyway, I went home and sobered up before going to Glen's to watch a DVD and hang out a bit before he buggers off to Europe for the summer. Hedwig and the Angry Inch is a weird movie, kind of cool, but weird.
Yesterday I was supposed to start job hunting, but I didn't, I wasted the day doing bugger all.
This morning I went to Whitcoulls and at 9:05am spent $255.98 on DVDs, as they were 20% off, so I saved myself $64. And now I might go start to watch them.

10th November 2003.
Well, as of Sunday night I had watched all but the final episode of first season Farscape, and I watched it first thing this morning. I'm happy with my purchase, even if it means I am now poor. I didn't send the whole weekend watching, one episode on disc two didn't like my computer so I spent Saturday arvo reading 120 pages of Pratchett's Monstrous Regiment until my flatmate went out and I could watch that episode on my flatties puter. Fortunately my puter played all the other 21 episodes. And I spent Sunday afternoon with Susan and Rach. It was nice to catch up with Susan, who is about to move to London, in about 10 days, so I won't see her again for ages.
This morning after watching the Farscape final I went in to varsity and saw WINZ, they are being picky-er than usual this year, so I have to get a letter from the payroll department proving my semester one income. So I went and asked for one, and they'll have it for me tomorrow.
I might go watch some more Farscape, though it's sunny and I want to go outside and read, but my skin thing is getting worse, and my doctor said there is nothing to do about it except avoid the sun, as tanning makes it much more obvious - and it burns insanely quickly. Bugger it. So on doctors order to stay out of the sun, I really want to go out and sit in it and read. It's just a shame the pied look ain't sexy.

Stand back Superman, Iceman, Spiderman, Batman Robin too,
Don't wanna cause a ruckus with B A Barracus have I got a match for you,
She makes them look like a bunch of fairies, got more bottle than united dairies,
Hang about, look out for supergran.

You can stick your heroes, your Robert De Niro's, Al Pacino too,
Lex Galone's just another phoney, couldn't lace her shoes,
After her they're all big girls' blouses, got more front than a row of houses,
Hang about, look out for Supergran.
Sup-Sup Supergran,
She's a serious granny, 
Sup-sup Supergran,
a serious granny, she'll do the things that you never saw your granny do ... 
is there nothing that she cannot do? 

On your bike Wonderwoman, lets just say you had it coming, this one is for real,
Charlies angels pack it in before it gets embarrasing, this lady's solid steel,
She comes on strong like a Bengal lancer, she makes you all look like a bunch of chancers,
Hang about, look out for Supergran.
Sup-sup Supergran,
Hang about, look out for Supergran.
Sup-sup Supergran,
Sup-sup Supergran,
Sup-sup Supergran

12th November 2003 - Sun in Sagittarius.
Monday evening I started to feel more than a little sick. I went to the supermarket and had a shower and sat outside a bit, but still felt a little ick. I ended up havign an early night - though I'm pretty sure my ick feeling was from the gross muggy weather. Not a fan of mugginess.
Tuesday morning I got up stupid early to be online and say bye to someone before they skipped town for the summer. I'm not smart. Then I watched some more of Season Two Farscape vefore heading in to WINZ and getting my student hardship application sent in. I REALLY hope they approve it, otherwise I'm up shite creek, and paddle-less.
Today I lay in bed and finished Monstrous Regiment, then stumbled out of bed in the early afternoon, showered and headed to varsity to get depressed by the boards at Student Job Search, almost all of the jobs pay considerably less than Countdown. It looks like I may have to try and go back to the stupermarket. I hated the job SO much, so I have to hope that something else will pop up. But then there is always the chance Countdown wont take me back. I may have to turn to taking advantage of the new prostitution laws, if only I was prettier - though when I mentioned this to my FormerBit it was pointed out there is a market for uggers like me.
I'm choosing to believe that someone I've used every excuse to check out all year was returning the favour when I was going to get fish and chips tonight (yes, it's only been 6 days since I had takeaways last - I broke my 8 day rule and am going to bad person hell). I was walking down the stairs and realised I was being watched, for quite a while. There was even twisting in the chair to keep watching me involved. The paranoid bit of me is having a field day, but I'm choosing to listen to the little optimistic bit that is saying I may have a chance. I know I don't, but it's still nice to think I might occasionally.
Anyway, I think I might go and sleep.
Today's Quote is the Supergran Theme Song.

16th November 2003 - Deposition of S. Edmund, Archbp.
Ok, I suck at writing.
Thursday. I went to town and had lunch with Dot, which was all good. Then I bumped into Catriona when we were going through town, so after abandoning Dot with someone else I hung out with Catriona for a while and talked geek.
Friday I went to town and did some job hunting, got depressed, bought a file box for my pharmacy notes and talked to my future masters supervisor. When I got home I discovered I had too much in the way of pharmacy notes for just one file box.
Saturday I watched a chunk of third season Xena, as it's about time I returned the DVDs to their owner. Then in the afternoon I headed to a BBQ where Dot was performing live. After partaking of the keg and the charred meat I headed to Erin's BBQ to hang with Oliver and company. It was pretty good, I added punch to the stomachs lining of beer. I also cooked up some Tegal Real Chicken and Cheese sausages, though I only ate one and most ended up going cold and congealing on the BBQ after it was turned off. The night was pretty good, between walking around the northern cemetary being roudy at 10 in the evening, and loudly watching the rugby (lots of swearing involved as we lost horribly to the nasty ockers). I should hang out with that lot more often. Though I was flirting at someone who politely choose to ignore it, but that is probably a good thing. Being ignored is better than people actually putting the effort into rejecting you.
I was woken too early today by the cat making noise and a need to urinate. So I finished third season Xena, and then watched some Farscape. Then I went to my grandparent's for dinner. They gave me some home gym equipment that my grandmother decided she is far too old for - along with commenting on how fat I am, so I feel special. Anyway, it's late, I should go take my super-fat arse off to bed.

19th November 2003.
I should just give up on this thing, I never seem to write in it anymore. Actually. I know a copuple of people who would be damn happy if I stopped - though what they don't realise is that my ranting on here reduces the amount I need to rant at them, so though this thing may piss people off quite occasionally, it's really doing them a favour.
This week I've not done all that much. Monday was spent organising WINZ stuff - I think I'm mostly there, and they may eventually give me some money, hopefully. Then the evening was spent being annoyed at the internet because no-one was talking to me.
Tuesday I stuffed around in the morning, then was picked up for lunch by Rach and Alana. After lunch I hung out with Alana until my meeting with my probably masters supervisor and a woman down from Waikato who came to talk me into a topic. It was interesting, but I still don't think it's really what I want to do, but it's food for thought.
Today I went to SJS and went through the job lists, the only thing I could've done was working in a fish factory, but with my tendency to retch that possibly wouldn't have worked. I also was feeling more than a little depressed, so distracted myself by watching the extended FoTR in warm up for watching TTT on Friday. And now I'm online, and once again sulking as no-one is talking to me. Damn all my friends having lives.
What's kind of depressing is that recently my FormerBit has been the most willing to appear to care of everyone I know - which is just wrong. There is something wrong about the fact that someone who dumped me for reasons that weren't exactly sane and mostly boiled down to the fact I'm not sexually aggressive in the first few days of knowing somebody is the one person who has actually been willing to play the attentive friend.
Ok, I'm being a selfish git and getting grumpy about how I'm not as important to other people as I am to myself, and I do realise that makes me a complete arse. No wonder no-one is talking to me.
I should go sulk some more.
Oh, yes. I broke the filling on my tooth from hell, again.
Yay for my life.

20th November 2003 - Edmund, K. and Mart.
About two minutes after I uploaded the above rant on no-one talking to me, Midget came on and we had a long chat about nothing - as all the best long chats are.
This morning I bowled in to Dent School before the clinic opened and found out that had already stopped taking people as it was a very busy morning, so they put me in the queue and told me to come back at two, so I wandered home, on the way bumping into someone I used to quite like, but who for some reason seems to have just stopped really being attractive, it was kind of a weird thing to realise. Anyway, then I came home and had a chat to my FormerBit, who entirely admitted being a chubby chaser - which was funny after the one time I implied it while we were dating I got serious told off for it. It possibly proves I really do only date the crazy ones. Or, being optimistic, it might mean that we're actually managing to be friends.... or something like that. Then I headed back in to Dent School and got there crazily early so had a look see around town, bumping into Catriona and Michail in the process, both of whom wanted to organise catching up at some stage. Then to Dent School, and after a very short wait they whacked a new filling in and sent me on my way, no drugs and no pain. It was all good. When I returned home Si was online and chatty - for the first time in AGES. Today has been good, talking to Si is good. He's one of the only people I can talk about pretty much everything with. Not that I do, as I've always suspected he gets more than a little grumpy about my ranting and rambling, even if he is usually quite nice about it.
Anyway, I'm ranting anf rambling on here, and ought stop.

22nd November 2003 - Cecilia, V. and Mart.
Yesterday morning I went around to visit Catriona and watch the extended version of the Two Towers with her. It's better than the theatrical release, but still isn't right. Peter Jackson has some explaining to do on the one, some of the changes from the book were entirely unhelpful and didn't contribute to the telling at all. He deserves a good telling off. It was mid to late afternoon by the time I got home. Then I discovered some of my exam results were list on PIMS. After having felt quite positive coming out of my exams I got some of the worst marks I've ever had. I guess going back to pharmacy is no longer a realistic option - which is possibly a good thing, it was a bit of a life-eating trap waiting to happen. Not unexpectedly I got somewhat depressed by my marks, fortunately Si and my FormerBit were both online and ready to supply me with tokenistic sympathy. Sometimes it's good to have people there to buck you up when you need it.
Today I have done amazing amounts of absolutely mothing. About the only thing I did all day was do to the supermarket after realising when I was about to make dinner that I had nothing to make it out of, so went and got some meat and some watties stir fry sauce. Actually, on the way home I got busted checking out the hottie who lives down the street - the one who stared at me a week or so ago. Someday I should atleast say hi, or if possible exchange names. But if I could put a name with the face I might start heading in the crush direction, and that wouldn't be helpful.

26th November 2003 - Linus, Pope and Mart.
Sunday I stuffed around most of the day, and then went to my grandparents for dinner.
Monday was wet and gross. I headed in to town for lunch with Dot and ended up spending practically the whole day with her. A couple of hours in town, and then a couple of hours a Pete's (a mutual friend) flat. It was pretty cool. I haven't really talked to Pete much since high school. And Dot is always fun.
Tuesday I stuffed around all morning, then headed in to SJS to see if there was anything good going, and there was. So after buying cheap milk from the G-mart, I headed home to write a cover letter. It was when I got home that I realised I had no idea what one is suposed to put in a cover letter. So the evening was spent staring at my CV and making fiddly little changes while I pondered the cover letter.
This morning I got up and after a bit of procrastinating headed to SJS and got an ideal cover letter. Then I sat in the Uni Library and typed one up, before taking it in to Nina at SJS. I hope I get the job, summer is getting bloody boring - especially as some of my friends are practically ignoring me. Then I came home, after shamelessly checking out someone going into Smithells and getting a smile back for my efforts, to find a letter from WINZ saying that they are indeed going to give me summer student allowance. Yay for income - though hopefully I get the job. I went to my mother's for dinner tonight, and then visited Gnatacia's flat, for the first time all year, and she's not that long from moving out.
Si isn't talking again. He's not been talking a lot recently, I'm going to assume it means he's getting some hot luvin' and not just ignoring me for no reason or, worse, a reason to do with how crap I am. I really need more close friends. For the most part Si and Midget make up the conversation I have. Midget is quite open about not actually liking me, and tells me this on a regular basis, and lately Si has been too busy for me (atleast that's what I'm assuming).
I've also been revising (proof reading and making minor clarifications) the Bacobe section on my Palladium site, and think I might put some effort into actually finishing the Quartzholm section tomorrow, it's about time I actually finished it. And some day I may even finish the Bacobe section, which still needs a LOT of work.

28th November 2003.
Yesterday I spent stuffing around mostly, staying offline incase I was rung for the job, and tidying up old files and backups. I stumbled upon some very old log files, and stupidly read them. I was SO into my ex after we broke up, yet I'd entirely convinced myself I wasn't - but reading old logs it is bloody obvious. Yet somehow it took me a couple of years to work out that I was still carrying a flame, and a bunch of related issues. Log files can be scary things. I also found the encrypted file journal I kept when I was at high school. I was lord of the lame, my life revolved around television and "crushes" that never seemed to last more than a couple of days. I guess that's why we have a past, so we can look back and shudder.
Tina came down yesterday arvo, and dragged me to a wedding last night. It was a little culture shock - I mean, I've been to a lot of weddings, including more than a few that were done on the cheap, but this one takes the cake. The wedding was held on the back lawn of the couples flat, and guests were sipping beer through the ceremony. It was nice enough in it's own way - unique charm and all - and the couple seem to be ridiculously in love (though my inner cynic is screaming out - can people really be that in love, or is it just that they get caught up in the idea of being in love - or am I just old and bitter).
Well, I'm planning another day of sitting around and staying offline in the hopes that I'll get a phone call telling me I have a job, or atleast a job interview. I need employment. Especially as it looks like the computer upgrade I've been planning for a while may be about to happen. I can afford it, but my bank account will look much less attractive afterward, so I'd like a job and a enough hours to start to pile up some more savings. I like having money sitting around not needed or doing anything at all, it makes me feel safe.
Ergh, at the wedding reception - also in their flat, I spent over half an hour shamelessly hitting on someone who was neither attractive nor interested. I'm not sure if I was just bored, or if I'm getting lonely and desperate.
I'm just home from watching the special edition Beauty and the Beast with Dot and my god sister. I wasn't impressed, they've degraded an Ashman by adding unnecessary crud. Grrr at them.
Otherwise I've had a pretty good day. Me and Tina watched Whale Rider, then went in to town, and I'm applying for another job while I wait to hear back from the last one. The new one pays better and has more hours but will be a LOT less fun. And it's working for a slave driver I've worked for a little before - not sure how liveable it would be. I could go crazy and kill myself.
I seem to have lost Tina, she texted about two hours ago t say she was heading here, and I got here about half an hour ago to find she wasn't here, I have no idea where she is.

29th November 2003 - SS. Saturninus and Sisinnius. With Nocturn. Vigil.
Tina turned up early this morning, as I was getting ready for bed.
Today I got woken by the wind opening my door at about 7:30. So I got up and played puter while I watched cartoons and Tina napped. My FormerBit has emailed which was nice, and was online but not talking, which wouldn't be a problem except Si was doing the same thing. And I may have been looking for something to be grumbly about. Then we went and had lunch with Nina and then went back to her flat for a little while and I drooled over the owner of her flat who was there showing it to prospective future tenants. I need to get back into the habit of being single, I'm currently seeming a little desperate and it's bugging me.
Later. I've just finished reading The Wolves in the Walls, and now feel like blobbing.

30th November 2003 - Andrew, Ap.
Last night Tina made me roleplay. She bribed me with takeaways. Damn her. I spent the evening playing the "Jack Vance's Dying Earth" RPG. It was actually kind of fun. Though we were at it in the University AI lab until 2 in the morning.
Then I had to wake up at 7am to get Tina to her Bus, so I've been a touch tired today. Though it wasn't a big worry, all I've done is lots of laundry, including washing my pillows, as the weather was hot and I was too tired to do much else. I also had dinner with my grandparents.

Wednesday, 29 October 2003

October 2003

Pharmacy is nearing it's end (well, when I quit), exams are soon, and my life bites.

1st October 2003 - SS. Remigius, German, Vedast, and Bavo, Bpp. Middle lessons of S. Melorus.
I'm sulking. My former bit is still not talking to me, and I feel terrible about it. I really have to learn not to say things in anger. I'll end up with no friends at. But then I probably have it coming.
I had classes this morning. In my last class, which was on sea monkeys, Dot sms'd me and invited me to lunch, which killed time until I meet up with Tina. Tina was passing through on the way to Heriot.
Then I came home and spent about 5 hours playing the Sims. And went online, but didn't feel like talking to anyone but Simon, and he's busy so I decided I'd not rant at him.
I should go. Later.
Either my flat is falling off the hill, or there was just a third earthquake of the day. I suspect it's my flat.

Badger, Mushroom song

2nd October 2003
- Thomas of Hereford, Bp. and Conf. Middle lessons of S. Leger.
Well, today sucked. I had classes all morning, which was ok. Though between classes I passed my former bit, who wouldn't even meet me eyes. Then lunch with Alana, which was ok. It was here that the day really started going down hill. I got to dent school and my dent student was like "Ummm, I need to go get help." this would have been ok, except the specialist came and looked and made a face and then said he'd think about it and come back. So my dent student gave me an unrelated filling (replacing an old one that hadn't held up too well) and then he returned with the warm fuzzy news that I'd be getting electrosurgery. Which so far as I could tell from what I could see being done, is that they get a baby arc-welder and burn off a chunk of gum that had grown out of my gum surgery into somewhere it aughtn't have been and filled my mouth with the smell of charred flesh. So I had burnt meat breath for several hours afterward. Yay for me. Fortunately I bumped into Alana, who took me back to her place and fed me. She even had her mother make reasonably squishy chinese food. And I lay on her floor playing PS2 for a while. Then I came home, came online and I'm pretty sure my attempt at a friendship with my former bit is now over forever. Normally I wouldn't use log files against people, but if I'm to be impartial about how it happened, it's only fair I include the exact wordage of the entire conversation.
Session Start (MSN): Thu Oct 02 19:51:43 2003
[19:51] Matthew: evening
[19:51] *** FormerBit has joined the conversation.
[19:53] FormerBit: I'm only willing to talk to you if you stop being negative, trying to make people sorry for you, seeking sympathy, or putting yourself down. Your choice.
[19:55] Matthew: I don't want people to be sorry for me, and I'm not seeking sympathy
though I'll do my best at not putting myself down in any way around you
[19:56] FormerBit: oh come on, you so do. A line like sorry to have bothered you is asking for pity
[19:57] Matthew: actually, that was going to be a childish insult, but I decided against it and just said that instead
[20:03] *** FormerBit has joined the conversation.
[20:04] Matthew: if me being me isn't something you can handle, then goodbye as much as I seem to like you, I'm not changing who I am just to be friends with you
[20:04] Matthew: I hope you have a good life
[20:05] FormerBit: fine. good luck too. I wish it could be different, and I hope one day you develop enough self-esteem to actually form meaningful friendships and relationships with people without driving them away. Your biggest enemy is yourself, watch out for yourself. Good luck matthew.
Session Close (FormerBit): Thu Oct 02 20:06:31 2003
So, yes. I'm not faultless by any means, but I'm pretty sure I'm the less irrational one in that conversation. And I'm now feeling quite angry. And it's not helped by the fact I'm in large amounts of post-dental surgery discomfort (something I would have used in above conversation, except that it even seemed childish to me). And over the last few days I have either come down with something or developed an anxiety disorder (I keep shaking but feeling like I'm still and it's just everything around me that shaking, and it's becoming quite a constant sensation - not pleasant at all. In fact, it's bugging me more than the dental pain, if it keeps up I may have to go to a doctor).
I really want to say something back to that last bit, but everything I think up is either insulting or just sounds like I'm a sad little man trying to show off my meager good points. And it's probably getting too late now. If I just had the spine to actually mean horribly mean and insulting I could have replied with all I wanted to say at the time. But I know me, if I did I'd feel guilty afterward, and I don't need to be going out of my way to make myself feel any worse than I already do. Somedays I really wish I had more of a talent for actual malicious meanness - I can only be mean in jest, and usually only about people I like and have no real reason to be mean about.
I think I might head off to bed. I'm feeling more than a little hurt and angry. I'm also being a little offended that someone who I've let myself like so entirely doesn't get me. And a little annoyed at myself for having liked someone who seems to be proving even nuttier than I am. Made worse by the fact that my brain is screwed, and if I let myself actually like someone, then a part of me will always like them no matter how much later circumstance and rational thought may point out the stupidity of this (a fact proven by my ex whom I've entirely not ever gotten over (though seem to have stopped talking about anywhere near as much recently), my one high school crush that actually counted (who still gets me all happy just by chatting over the net - as sad as that it) and even by my more recent ex (of about three years ago now - who I liked quite superficially even when things were at their best, but yet still can't bring myself to actually entirely dislike, as much as I am given reason to)).
And this whole shaking feeling is pissing me off, atleast today I realise it's just me - where as yesterday I actually thought there was mild earthquakeage going on that wasn't. My flatmate suggested that it might be food poisoning, possibly the dodgy nut. I have no idea what it is, but if it keeps up I will have to go to student health. It'll probably just turn out I have another flu, or some other fun thing to make my exam period even more enjoyable. Or maybe I have just finally gone completely bonkers, it's not like I wasn't half way there anyway.
Atleast today has taught me one important lesson for the future. If things seem to good to be true, run away fast.

6th October 2003 - Faith, V. and Mart.
Okay, I haven't written in ages. I have been playing a lot of The Sims and avoiding being online a bit, as I'm too much of a goober to delete my former bit off my msn list, and as I've been informed we are no longer talking there is a great urge to talk just sitting there.
Friday someone stood on my jacket in a lecture with mucky shoes, and I didn't notice until I'd put it on - which meant I had to run home and clean up middle of the day. it sucked muchly. Then in the afternoon I had hot chocolate with Nina at the museum cafe - it was good, and made me realise (now that I was talking it over with someone) just how stupid my former bit's comments about my having no meaningful friendships were. Go Nina, she rocks. And she keeps getting even prettier.
Saturday I spent reading, 'puter gaming and sulking.
On Sunday evening, after spending the day hiding from the snow in my room, and reading the appendices of LoTR, having finished the book the night before - well, at about 3ish on Sunday morning - well, it would have been 2ish, but it was a little past, so "go daylight savings" and having had sunday dinner of chinese takeaways, Tina came to town.
Today I took Tina to my lectures, then had my last focus group while Tina lunched with Nina. After which I wagged my compulsary workshop and went to Pirates of the Caribbean with Tina. It's a lot better than I had expected, and damn funny.
I should go sleep. I'm supposed to be researching for a presentation I'm supposed to give tomorrow, but I can't find anything, so I think I might just flag it.
I seem to have suddenly become an actually bad student. I just don't want to be there, so any excuse not to seems enough.

7th October 2003 - SS. Marcus and Marcellianus.
Well, I went to my first lecture this morning, and took Tina. I then wagged a compulsary workshop - where I was supposed to be giving a presentation for terms - to go to the Chinese Dinosaurs with Tina. It was pretty cool, though after about 1 3/4 hours, Tina was sick of it and wanted to leave. I may have to go again - I might see if I can drag Si along. Then me and Tina had lunch with one of her other friends. Then I left them to it and went to my dispensing exam. I was doing okay, but they gave us an oil to mix into a cream - which was something we hadn't done before and I may have done it wrong. So I may fail on that, if I don't fail on terms from missing compulsary classes for Tina. But Tina is more important to me than pharmacy.
Anyway, I should go sleep, especially as my former bit just came online and I need to get offline. I'm dealing some much worse with the friendship blowing up than I was about the relationship not happening.
Night.
BTW: Twincest is wrong. While the US and Isreal are making acts of agression and getting away with it, they should take out those nasty twincest fanfic writers.

8th October 2003.
Argh, by the time I finish this sentence it will be the 9th, oh well, I haven't gone to bed yet, so it's still the 8th to me.
I had classes this morning, which were mostly pretty revisiony, but still not too disinteresting as pharmacy goes (ie. they only sucked lots). Then lunch with Dot of Satay, followed by ice cream while sitting on the union lawn and watching the eye candy. Then my PHCY255 lab, I lasted 50ish minutes before walking out, it was just too sunny and nice outside to be in a lab, and I'm getting used to wagging. Walking out of class I bumped into my ex, who I then walked home and invited myself in for a visit. It was actually really nice, we haven't seen much of each other this semester. I grumbled about my former bit for a little, and my ex talked about the new boyfriend, and I didn't get bitter. In fact, I feel no bitterness about it at all. I seem to have stopped being bitter about other people touching my ex. It either means I have finally gotten over it, or that I'm only capable of being bitter toward one target at a time.
Anyway, then I had dinner with Alana and we went to the Mothras together. Which were fun, though I admitted to one of my friends afterward that I thought his flatmate, who was in his movie, was quite hot. I expect I'll be mocked.
Anyway, I have go to make my bed and sleep - I got up at 6am and washed all my linen and hung it out before class, now it's dry and waiting to go back on to my bed.

9th October 2003 - Denys and his Compp.
Too tired to write. Just saying that I passed my prac exam and have now finished all my pharmacy labs forever - I SO don't plan to go back.

13th October 2003 - Trans. of S. Edward, K.
Okay, I suck at keeping this upto date recently.
Thursday I had classes all day, with my lunch break spent at a Satay house with Katie. The lab in the afternoon was my last pharmacy lab unless I ever stupidly go back to pharmacy - but if I do, I give you permission to kill me for being a dumbarse. In the evening I went to a cafe in town with midget and Katie, it was mostly nice.
Friday, I had classes till a bit after 1, including a stupid test on crap I'm sure we were never taught. Then I had lunch with my father - always an enlightning experience - he is such a dirty old man. The evening I spent at home nursing wounds I got thanks to one of the neighbours having done some pruning and leaving a branch on the steps and my having discovered this while carrying groceries and then rolling down the stairs, crushing my groceries in the process. Grrrrr.
Saturday I spent playing The Sims until about 2pm, when I headed to a friends BBQ. I was pretty good, celebrating an almost complete dissertation. Then I came home and stupidly decided to go out to town, as one of my friends was preforming in something. My Former Bit was there, and decided to pretend that I didn't exist. I didn't handle this particularily well. I also realized I have very few friends in the crowd, and feel absolutely no need to make any more.
Sunday I spent sulking. I had really thought that my Former Bit would have atleast been civil. I guess I don't deal with plain old meanness very well at all. Ok, I'm not handling things great. I think the lesson is that I should never get involved with anyone ever again.
Today I had two lectures, then came home for a long lunch. But when I was getting ready to head back in it started to rain quite nasty and heavily. Fortunately just at the corner of my street a stranger pulled up and offered me a ride into varsity. Go random acts of kindness - the world would be a better place if more people were like that. In my incredible rudeness I sat scratching his terrier's ears and pretty much ignored the guy, his dog was just so cute. I really have to learn some manners.
Actually, Midget seemed to think my accepting rides from strangers was wrong. But I'm pretty sure no psychopath would have such a cute little dog, or nice car.
Well, I should go sleep, it's late and I'm already grumpy and tired enough.

17th October 2003 - Etheldreda, V., not Mart.
Tuesday I had a class in the morning, bought some shorts and then wasted the day away. I think it was tuesday that uninstalled the sims - which was crashing a bit too much and I decided I needed a clean install. Turns out one of my sims discs has died, so I'm now sims-less. In the evening I had dinner and played much Kingdom Hearts at Alana's.
Wednesday I had a class, and then lunch with Dot, and then stuffed around a bunch.
Yesterday I had a lab, and used the journals in the med library for the first time all year. I should have taken to using them earlier - the med library has a fair bit of eye candy. I also passed my Former Bit on campus, twice. So the afternoon ended up being mental health time. I really have to stop caring, it's fucking me up. Then last night, at about 10:30 I finally started writing my biggest essay of the year - only about 14 hours before it was due.
This morning I got up, finished my essay, and went to a day of classes. In a break between classes while talking to Midget and Tash I passed my Former Bit again, today I actually handled it ok. This arvo I blobbed.
I'm also in a weird mood as I've heard only two words out of my ex since the weekend. And for one of my best friends, and usually the only one I actually talk to, this is adding to my usual wacky. Not the best combination went added to my current Former Bit issues. It's led to a lot of this week being wasted by my sulking.

18th October 2003 - Luke, Evan.
Last night I went to Eureka with Midget and Rachel, it was kind of fun, though Tash never turned up, so we didn't end up going dancing. That girl is one famous piker. We tried to fetch Katie from the OUSA xmas dinner, but she was drunk and didn't want to leave. Actually, she had invited me to it and then cancelled at the last minute for reasons which were outside her control - which I was still just a little grumpy about. just as I was going to bed last night Tina arrived down from CHCH, so I had a long rant to her about my former bit.
Which gets me to today, which I'll have to write later, as I'm going to be late to Dot's.

19th October 2003 - Fredeswide, V., not Mart.
I was going to write today, but I left it too late, as I've been talking to my FormerBit all night and forgot. It'll have to wait.

21st October 2003 - Eleven thousand holy Virgins.
Okay, I suck at writing in this thing.
On Saturday I had Nina's birthday at 11:30am, a nice quiet classy brunch deal. I'm going to miss Nina when she leaves dunners. After Nina's thing me and Tina (who had also been there) and her little brother (who met us afterward) stuffed around in town for the majority of the day. A chunk of it we spent shopping for Dot's birthday with Midget. In the evening, after I'd left Tina and her bro to go to the Rugby, I wrote the above and then headed in to Dot's party. It was a lot of fun, though I really ought to have drunk more - being the bar was subsidised. I did hit on Dot an awful lot though. At the end of the night I made sure my god-sister got home safely. And made it to bed after 3:30am. Which would be fine except I was suddenly very awake at 8am.
Sunday me and Tina watched a couple of movies and then went to town so she could do a bit of shopping. Then dinner at Alana's before I put Tina on her bus and came home to collapse in fron tof my puter. At that point my FormerBit messaged me and offered to give being friends another go - which is so far working really well.
Monday morning I spent playing SimCity 3000 Unlimited, until I headed to Midget's voice exam. She was pretty good. After if we went to the beach and I got just a little burnt while checking out the beach dwellers. Mmmm hot sun bathers.
Today I had a tutorial at 9am, then I shopped, and stuffed about around varsity for a while and entirely failed to do any of the things I was semi doing, like applying for jobs and for a masters thesis scholarship. I had lunch with Dot and generally spent the day enjoying the warmth, until it got too much and I hid from it for a while.

25th October 2003 - SS, Crispin and Crispinian. Middle lessons of S. John of Beverley, Bp. and Conf.
Wednesday also started with a chem tutorial, followed by my doing absolutely nothing noteworthy for the rest of the day. Though I did go and borrow a lab book off one of my classmates and then just not get around to copy it at I spent the night making dodgy comments to my former bit (for reasons which were entire acceptable at the time), this after I'd had dinner with my family.
Thursday I went to the doctors, 118/60, go me of the healthy blood pressure. So long as I keep taking my pills, it looks like I shouldn't explode my vascular system and die horribly. It means when I die horribly it'll be for some other reason. After my doctor's visit, I had lunch with my father - as it was his birthday - and then went to the med library and actually copied the lab book out. If I'd just done the damn examinable labs, it'd have saved a bunch of effort. I don't remember, but I think I spent the evening procrastinating and watching bad TV.
Friday I went to the English Department morning tea, as I was supposed to meet Elizabeth there - but she didn't show, so I just talked to Luke and Dr Finney instead. And had a short conversation about possible Masters topics with Greg - not the supervisor I wanted, but Ian can't take me :(. Then I stuffed around for the rest of the day, doing such random and non-study related thing such as send "An absolution for the not eating of cake" off to Vic again in the hopes I'll land myself a place in their masters script writing course.
Today I have once again failed to study much at all. My flatmate went to Wellington yesterday, and combined with the fact it's been study week - I'm feeling more than a little starved for human interaction. i'm also being a childish git about the fact that Simon is busy, and keeping messaging him - even though he's entirely not responding. Somedays I feel a bit sorry for him - I'd hate to be my best friend, I'm so whiney and whingey.
I might go get fish and chips for dinner, and then properly start to study. I am so screwed, I have six exams over the next week and a half, and currently my head is lacking any useful knowledge. Watch while I fail horribly, or get so randomly stressed at the prospect of failing a course I've already quit the I go insane and kill myself.
I am such a freaking headcase.
And I'm somewhat wanting my Former Bit back, which really isn't an option. I could possibly get some meaningless - but this is me, I don't really do meaningless and if I did I'd probably try and make it deep and meaningful and things would blow up horribly. And making it worse is my suspicion that I only want my Former Bit back as this is the first time I've met someone who I think might be able to get me over my ex.

26th October 2003.
Last night I had fish and chips for tea, watched Small Soldiers and said something to my former bit that I realised afterward had been interpreted to mean I'm a lot more emotionally attached than I actually am. Then as night rolled on I escaped a re-run of the freak head thing I did to myself in the weekend before my exams last semester by meeting Elizabeth and some of her friends at the Outback for an evening of catching up, drinking and bad dancing to worse music. I also hit on and virtually drooled all over one of her friends, who was very drunk and didn't seem to notice. And one of her other friends, Lauren, was trying to set me up with someone - though my predictable response to this put her off the idea.
This morning I got up and procrastinated a while, then studied a bit before falling asleep in my notes, then studied some more, then chatted to Tash for a while, then studied a bit more, then watched Gilmore Girls, then made tea and studied some more before being distracted by Miss Congeniality. I'm upto April 1st in my notes, and the exam is on Tuesday. Tomorrow is going to suck - lets see just how much I can cram in one day. Come Tuesday, I'm failing horribly.

28th October 2003 - Simon and Jude, App.
Yesterday all I did was study pretty much all day, except for a quick break to go to the supermarket and buy some food, and a couple of hours to destress in the evening.
This morning I got up and crammed until 12, at which pointed I'd gone through all of my notes. It was 2 1/2 hours until my exam, so I had some brain relaxation time, played some neopets, went to varsity for lunch and then off to the exam. It didn't go as well as I thought it would. Bugger it all. Oh well, I only needed 22/64 to pass, and I'm pretty sure I managed better than that. I hope. Gawd, how will I feel if I didn't. Sucks to be me.
Anyway, I'm having a night off - the whole post exam icky brain thing is going on, so study wouldn't be hugely productive. And TV good. I've got hooked on America's Next Top Model. Elyse Sewell kicks arse. I want her to bear my tiny thin androgenous babies.
And my former bit is mocking me about my ex issues.
I'm also being hyper-aware of the fact the the MA I intend to do next year will never get me any kind of job, and I'm porbably going to have to go back to pharmacy if I ever want to actually find a job. And then spent the rest of my life being miserable.
I know I have my whole MFAT dream, but I am way not smart enough for the Ministry to hire me. They turn down first class hons students, and I'm quite clearly second class. Stupid stupidity.
If only I was smarter - or actually studied.
I ought go do something.

29th October 2003.
I've spent pretty much all day studying micro. It's not going great. It turns out there is a whole bunch of notes and I remember less than I expected to. I also went to the supermarket and spent far too much money on sugar foods which I'll not actually eat much of as I quickly gave myself a sugar headache. Stupid not smart shopping. For dinner I had nice sensible honey, soy and garlic stirfried silverside with veges on rice. It was very good. And it's now almost 10 at night, and I'm 27/48ths of the way through my notes. I'm screwed. Actually, I'm not, it's microbiology, I think I can wing my way through it. Hopefully.
I've also spent the day being grumpy that I blew my chance to have Ian as my masters supervisor by doing pharmacy - if I could just go back in time a year.
Bugger it.

Tuesday, 30 September 2003

September 2003

I'm on holiday, so can temporarily not be hating pharmacy.

Meet Mittens the Cute Kitty

1st September 2003 - Giles, Ab. Middle lessons of S. Priscus.
I have sucked at keeping this thing informed recently. But I think my life is dull enough a full reprisal can be skipped without you missing anything.
Thursday and Friday I had morning classes, and mostly wasted afternoons. Though Thursday did feature lunch with Alana and a quick visit to my bit's office.
Saturday and Sunday were mainly me sitting around my room like a sad fart. Though both days I went to a free movie at the art gallery, and both days I failed to enjoy them. My grandparents also fed me last night. Being fed is all good.
I've also been rereading Terry Pratchett's Wyrd Sisters and think I might start rereading Witches Abroad on the morrow.
And that is about all I have to say for my life. Oh, and I'm in pain again as the dressings have finally started to disintergrate, and the freshly exposed gums are extremely tender.
Yay me...
Go Nun Bowling

Meet Mittens the Cute Kitty

2nd September 2003.
Today I had Yum Char lunch with Alana, then visited Catriona and borrowed Xena, before coming home to watch Yu Gi Oh before going to Alana's to try and fail to retune her mum's tv.
Go my exciting life...
Actually, yesterday I was too busy bitching about the stupid stitches that keep poking my cheek from the stupid gums they are sticking out of, to mention the fact that I bumped into my Aunt Sheena (currently Margaret, or possibly even Maggie). This was something as a surprise as she lives up north, though it turns out she is in dunedin farmsitting.
Anyway, I'm gonna go watch some season three Xena.

3rd September 2003.
Well, I ended up not watching Xena DVDs last night, as the copyright protection software on the DVDs clashed with my video card. For the first time in days I had a moment of hating all computers.
This morning I had a doctors appointment that lead to me having skin scrapings done. I'm having a reaction to something, and my doctor is having some trouble working out what. Afterwards I made a token attempt to find something for my brother birthday present, with no luck. On the walk home I bumped into my most recent ex, and somehow ended up having an actual conversation - which I think is the first one we've had in about two years. Okay, that's sad. My most recent ex is a feature of well over two years ago. I need some short actual relationship so I have a new ex. But instead I just have a bit that probably isn't going anywhere or ever going to count as anything.
Oh, and my latest "I have no friends", which was one of the last entires last month, has got me in trouble with Midget. Actually, those ones usually do.
I've also finished Witches Abroad and am currently getting into rereading Lords and Ladies.
Well, that's me out of things to say. Especially as people keep reading this thing. Which is bloody rude of them really. Being my personal diary and all. Some people have got no respect, and you haven't got anything if you don't have respect. Can't abide people that just feel they can go and read other people's personal diaries all over the place without a thought for whether or not it's polite or even morally acceptable.

4th September 2003 Trans. of S. Cuthbert, Bp. and Conf. Nine lessons, unless read in Lent.
I am a crappy person, I got all snarky at Simon this afternoon when he cancelled what were quite tentative plans to start with. It wasn't even entirely about him, Nina had cancelled on me earlier in the day, which was fine. It was just having all my plans for the one day in the whole week that I had any cancel on me made me just a little grumpy, and less nice than I should have been. And I really shouldn't take things out on people, especially not my friends.
Okay, my day. Well. I played puter games for a while after having received an email from Nina cancelling my lunch plans. Then I made lunch plans with my father, who decided he'd just visit me at home and bring food, which worked out pretty well. Though some days he really shouldn't be allowed to speak, I don't really need to be told about his sexual escapades. It's bad enough both my parents have busier sex lives than me, I don't need to be told about it. Anyway, then I spent quite a while trying to get my DVD player going, as it turned out to not be a Xena specific thing, but that my DVD drive just wasn't playing anything. Eventually I managed to fix it with the help of the latest drivers from the nvidia, though it seems to be more processor resource hungry, as my DVDs don't play as well as they used to. Then I spent a chunk of the afternoon watching some Xena before coming online and being mean at Simon about the fact that he was overworked and cancelled on watching DVDs with me (as I said early, I'm a crappy person). In the evening I went to my mothers as she wanted me to come pick up her old cellphone, which is now mine. So I am now txt msg capable, and sent my first one to my bit, as I realised my ex would probably get grumpy about being the first person I txted. On the way home I visited Higgins and borrowed a computer game off him, which I might spend tomorrow playing, and Alana who is recovering from being made horribly sick by a meal she ate at The Hungry Frenchman.
And now I should probably go to bed.

5th September 2003 Bertin, Ab. and Conf. With Nocturn.
I've been in a weird mood all day. I think I may still be grumpy about the fact no-one I had plans with yesterday actually wanted to see me.
I spent the morning playing Planescape: Torment. Then after lunch I went into town to pick up the repeat of my drugs, and ended up wandering the streets with Aaron for a few hours. It was pretty good. Though depressingly over my week off, I've only spent time with two people, Alana and Aaron, and have seen basically nothing of anyone else. I really do need more friends of the tragic variety, so there are a couple more people in the world who actually want to spend time with me.
And it's friday night and I've spent in sulking online - which got Simon pissed off at me, and playing Torment.
A while ago I worked out what part of my problem is - and I know I told Simon when it occurred to me, and he mostly ignored me, but I don't think I ever mentioned it on here. Basically, I decided that when it comes right down to it, I am a high maintainence person, yet for some insane reason I surround myself with people who have neither the spare time nor the inclination to pander to my needs in any way whatsoever, leaving me the bitter twisted little freak of an attempt to be a man that I am.
Go me.
Oh, and I haven't shaved since Saturday, so tomorrow I will have a weeks worth of whiskers. And it turns out I grow facial hair in quite well. I'm tempted to have a beard, being that I basically already have one.

7th September 2003.
Ok, yesterday I was having one of those days when I entirely felt like I should curl up and die just to prove that no-one would care, or possibly even notice.
I'm putting it down to the fact that I'm a childish git who takes personally things that most likely have nothing to do with me.
Fortunately I then received an email from Wormgirl - whom I hadn't heard from in ages. It was good, and muchly well timed. It also turned out that an e-greeting card I'd sent from neopets had got to her on her birthday, by pure luck, me not having the vaguest memory as to which day her birthday actual is - as I am the world's crappiest friend - so that was pretty good too.
Then last night I split between playing Planescape: Torment and annoying people over the net, all while watching videos of Lexx. Eva Habermann has the ultimate female form. Mmmmmmm, Eva Habermann.
Anyway, it's almost lunch time on Sunday, and I'm grumpy again. I might go back to playing Planscape and wallowing in my lack of a life.
It's now after 10 in the evening. I wasted the middle of the day watching more Lexx and redoing a chunk of Planescape Torment, as I realised I had missed something and couldn't go back easily, so just went back to an old save. Then I went to my grandparents' house for dinner, before visiting Simon on the way home. I hadn't seen him in ages. I really should be better at keeping in contact with my friends.
And now I think I should go and sleep, as I'm not in the mood to read the readings I'm supposed to be doing. I have classes again tomorrow, and I'm entirely unprepared. Oh well. It's not like I like pharmacy at all.
My bit is back tomorrow, so I can hopefully soon find out if I'm going back to being properly single, or if things are going somewhere and I'll get a chance to be properly unsingle. I'm hoping for the latter, my bit should make a good tool for getting over my ex.
I'm going to bad person hell.
Anyway, I should go sleep.

8th September 2003 - Nativity of Blessed Mary, V.
It's Monday morning and I'm not doing the last minute catchup work I should be doing. I'm just not caring about pharmacy enough. I'm too busy pondering about how my bit coming back into town is going to turn out. And being just a touch bitter as my ex is currently seeing someone. I know there is no way I can really justify that, but still...
Actually, on semi-related news, I looked at Midget's website for the frist time in months as she said she was badmouthing me on it. And she was, as I shall now quote.
I still think it would be cool to have someone along for the ride, but frankly I worry sometimes that dragging someone along for the ride, is, well a bit selfish really. I'm don't want to be like Matthew. You know, it stuns me that when he's apparently in love with someone for so long, he can just forget about it, to go out with someone else purely on the basis that they are incredibly good looking. I thought liking someone was supposed to be about who they are, not whether they look good for show and tell. I'm not sure if this shows that she just entirely doesn't get me, or if it's something broader.
I was even considering being offended about it. But I'm too busy trying not to be bitter about my ex having someone to have time to be offended at the Midget. That and trying to decide if I miss me bit or not, and what said uncertainty means. If it means anything.
And I'm not allowed to be bitter, I kind of have someone, and it's not like my ex is even remotely recent, even if I was all single I don't have any right to still have bitterness issues about someone I haven't been going out with in 4 years, 8 months and 20 days. Wow, I think I can do math in my head. Or I may have that number entirely wrong.

9th September 2003 - Gorgonius,Mart. Mem. only.
Well, I'm now officially single again. I got the "I think we should just be friends, I should say this in person, but I am a chicken" speech at about five to ten tonight. So I can't say I'm exactly the world's happiest camper right now.
Why do people always feel the need to dump me over the net?
Okay, I may not be all that great a guy, but why is it that people ask me out and follow this up by giving me the just friends speech over the net.
Life sucks.
Though I suppose I'm just not worth anyone putting the effort into saying it to my face.
And what makes it worse is that I had promised myself I didn't care if it worked or not, and that I wasn't going to emotionally invest at all, and then I did. I am such a fucking idiot. Especially after it was made quite clear at the start that we weren't a couple and that there was no commitment.
I should get a cat, as bitter old spinsterhood is where I'm headed, I may as well get some practise.
And had I known this was going to happen, I'd have kept my beard.
Ok, I was going to talk about other things, but then this happened, and now I don't feel up to it. I might go sleep, or sulk.

10th September 2003.
I am a git.
What was I thinking allowing myself to emotionally invest is someone who had been quite clear on wanting no commitment at all. I was just far too big a sucker for the blatant lines. Well, that's it, I'm never emotionally investing in anything more than friendships ever again.
Romance is an invention of disney and teleflora to make money off the stupid. And heres me, one of the stupid.
Anyway, I was a little grumpier last night than I am now, now I'm mostly just annoyed at my own stupidity.
This improvement in mood is almost entirely due to Tina ringing me up and a two hour conversation going into the itty bitty hours of the morning. I had a bit of ranting to do, and then so did she. Actually, I'm pretty sure she entirely out ranted me, but that was fine. I should keep in better contact with her, but I'm a somewhat crappy friend.
Ah well, I should go to school.
My stitches came out this afternoon, which is good, as my mouth now feels a lot more normal. I am also serious wallowing in self pity.
Tina saved me from getting too miserable last night, so now it's happening tonight instead, and Simon is too busy to care, so I'm wallowing and feeling all good and miserable.
I really have to either become more emotionally self-sufficient or become better at having close friendships. I mean, I have no real trouble getting along with people, but I have a whole lot of trouble becoming close friends with people, though I'm sure I didn't used to. In seventh form and first year I made a bunch of good friends, and since then I've mainly just had the same ones, though the group has been slowly getting smaller and smaller. So I really am going to end up with no friends.
And I feel like I've been dumped, which is stupid, as that would have required a relationship to have been dumped from, and that never quite managed to happen. I can't even managed to get dumped, because I can't even get a relationship far enough for that. I suck. Muchly. Atleast it isn't as bad as the last time I got dumped, though that was four years and almost nine months ago. It's a very similar feeling, but this time I'm not all wanting to kill myself over it. Which has to be a step up.
Damn, I was dating someone photo worthy and didn't get a single photo to prove it. Okay, trying to find the humour in it isn't helping. Buggerit, it was supposed to.
I hate how weak I am.
Why do I care about someone I barely know this much, especially after I had promised myself I wouldn't. I am such a fucking retard. Someone should just kill me already.
If I had just kept my stupid optimism in check, I wouldn't be in this stupid mess. Why do I do this shit to myself. I was fine until I let myself start to think it might work. I should have learned that lesson already. My thinking things might work is a sure sign things will blow up within the next few days.
Damn, my former bit is online, and being all self-blaming and trying to make me feel better about it. And now, I'm feeling like crying might be an option. Damn it. I was doing so well being too angry at myself to actually be sad.
GRRRRRR AAAAARGHH

12th September 2003.
I'm still entirely failing to to handle things particularily well at all.
Yesterday I had micro in the morning, followed by a couple a lectures. Then I had lunch with Alana and I moped and complained at her. Then I had a freakishly long chem lab, came home and stuffed around and then went to Arc for a Ramones tribute concert. I wouldn't have gone to it expect that Aaron was playing at it. It turned out the band playing immediately after his also had someone I know in it. The night was ok. Alcohol was a nice change from the sugar migraine I'd been continually feeling for the past two days. And I caught up with someone who I was friends with when I was a kid. Actually, for a while there I was even distracted enough to stop wallowing in my misery for a little while. Though only a little while.
Why the hell did I let myself care about someone that way. I'd carefully not let anyone under my skin in almost five years (and ok, I still have more than enough issues with the last one), so why the hell did I go and make that mistake again. I am such a fucking retard. Especially when I had fair warning that it wasn't going to work and that I was dating someone with the morals of a cat.
And my stupid pancreas didn't even let me put myself into a diabetic coma - which was pretty much all I wanted from life for most of yesterday, and some of today.
I had classes this morning, then at lunch time I visited Ian and gave him a couple of books I had which I knew he wanted more than I do. Then I stopped home to hang out washing and be online just long enough for Simon to get pissed off at me for asking how he was. I'm assuming some previously action of mine had got him annoyed, but it's possibly a fair call to say I should avoid speaking to him for a while, as he doesn't seem overly happy with the fact I exist right now. Anyway, I went back to town as met Nina at the museum. For the first time this semester we caught up, it was really good. I miss spending time with her, and that's not something that is going to happen much less year as she is all overworked, and then she is moving to Auckland. All my friends are slowly moving away. While sitting with Tash I got a txt from Tina, which I'm pretty sure means she should be here sometime soon. Which will hopefully be good, though I am very grumpy and sleep deprived, so it is entirely possible we'll just end up annoying each other. When I got home my former bit was online and stupidly I was honest when asked how I was, it led to a long and uncomfortable conversation, which got me even more down than I had been previously. And I kept apologising, which got me angrier at myself which made me less rational and it was all just a big cycle of badness. And to add insult to injury Midget got pissed off at me for no rational reason I could see.
So now I'm eating supermarket pizza and sitting in my room feeling sorry for myself. I think I'm going to go write one of those venting letters of the sort you write with no intention of actually sending. And then I'll decide if I'll send it or not.

14th September 2003 Exaltation of Holy Cross. Middle Lessons of SS. Cornelius and Cyprian. Autumnal Equinox. Dog Days end.
Well, after my recent grumbling, I have to admit, Simon has been being a very good friend in the last few days, even Tina reading messages over my shoulder every time I forgot to hide them from her was willing to concede as much. So if he ever reads this - it should be considered a nice big thank you.
Tina has been staying with me since Friday evening. It's been good, as I have been a bit of a headcase, and it's good to have someone around. Though, Tina may not be the most sensible choice of people to keep me level.
Anyway, Friday night I spent chatting to Tina. Saturday followed this, I went shopping with Tina and we spent the day in town while she shopped for clothes to wear to meet her gimp boyfriend's parents. Okay, I dislike her boyfriend, he comes across as a complete arse. In the evening she went off to hang with his family, and I headed to Cathie's birthday party, which was fun. Following this I went to re-feul becaused I'd promised Becky I would, and it was far from fun. Okay, a girl I did theatre with was more than a little while back was all hitting on me something chronic. It might have been ok, but I'm really not ready for that kind of attention from people yet. So I just got really weirded out and not good. It wasn't helped by the fact I went because Becky had made out that she really wanted me there, and then when I got there she couldn't care less. I have to remember she is only really interested in being friends when her other friends aren't around. After that I went to Karen's for a PJ party. I felt very very drunk, which was weird, being that I hadn't drunk anything. It may have been sleep deprivation, or emotional stress stuff or something, as I'm pretty sure no-one would bother to slip anything into my coca-cola.
Today I spent mostly with Tina. We stuffed around a bit, went to town and watched Finding Nemo, which is very enjoyable. Then I came home and had a surprisingly productive chat to my former bit. Which was good, I think.

(kow`) "There are 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary and those who don't."
(SpaceRain) That's only 2 types of people, kow.
(SpaceRain) STUPID

15th September 2003 - Oct. of Blessed Mary.
I am an idiot. I just stupidly asked my former bit why I got the heave. Not the smartest thing to do, but wondering has been keeping me awake at night. Okay, it was mostly fair. I got dropped for being a prude, and to a lesser extent the fact that I'm always running myself down. I'm assuming the reasons were honest, and to be fair, they aren't anywhere near as bad as what I was expecting. What with prudence being a virtue, and depression being my accepted natural state.
I'm not happy. But I'm not as sad as I was.
Anyway, I think I might be dealing. And hopefully I shall soon be able to get over wanting to get back together, and go back to my unnatural interest in my ex.
Damn it, this one was supposed to work long enough that I could deal with my crazy ex issues.
Ah well.
Anyway, I went to classes this morning, as was a little annoyed I'd abandoned Tina to go to them and then got there to find my first lecture cancelled. After my classes were over I had lunch with Tina at Tull, went window shopping and then I put her on the bus back to Christchurch. And then I came home and stuffed around. And eventually made the stupid mistake of wanting deep meaningful answers from someone who has just dropped me.
Someday I might learn how to function in human society.
Anyway, I'm all sleep deprived, so might see if I can cure that now that I have answers, or if something else will keep me awake. Today's quote from bash.org

(DavidGilmour) Some people are like Slinkies... generally useless, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

16th September 2003 - Edith, V., not Mart. Middle lessons of Euphemia, Lucia, Geminianus, Martt.
Okay, today I had classes, which were mostly wasted effort. I had lunch with Alana, which was nice, as I'm still in acute ranting mode and she is reasonably good at listening to ranting. Or atleast pretending to. After my last class I saw my former bit in the distance and decided I needed to go home and not socialise with people at all. Well, home via the supermarket, as for the first time since before Tina came down, I was craving sugar. And then I spent the afternoon lying in bed reading.
Well, I chatted with the former bit this afternoon and had the realisation that once again I'd fallen for someone who entirely doesn't get me - but then no-one I've ever had anything with ever has. Okay, not many people ever get me - but that's not the point.
Ah well.
Anyway, I'm going to try to sleep again, I'm yet to have managed even remotely decent sleep in the last week. So hopefully tonight will be it.
And Simon isn't talking to me. Damn it. Okay, he is probably just too busy. But I'm a selfish jerk and expect my friends to care about me when I'm feeling crap. Damn it.
Today's quote from bash.org

There's a chair in my head on which I used to sit
Took a pencil and I wrote the following on it

Now there's a key where my wonderful mouth used to be
Dig it up, throw it at me
Dig it up, throw it at me

Where can I run to, where can I hide
Who will I turn to now I'm in a virgin state of mind

Got a knife to disengage the voids that I can't bear
To cut out words I've got written on my chair

Like do you think I'm sexy
Do you think I really care

Can I burn the mazes I grow
Can I, I don't think so

Can I burn the mazes I grow
Can I, I don't think so

Where can I run to, where can I hide
Who will I turn to now I'm in a virgin state of mind
Virgin state of mind
Virgin state of mind
Virgin state of mind

17th September 2003
- Lambert, Bp. and Mart.
My classes this morning were all pretty dull, though getting up was more interesting, for some reason my alarm just plain didn't go off. At lunch I met up with Dot and went for satay noodle soup followed by Wendy's milkshakes. We also had a very long chat, and I think it may have been the first time I've ever spent a significant portion of time with just Dot. It was kind of fun. then I came home and watched Galaxy Quest on DVD, as I'm giving it to my brother for his birthday - though he'll be getting it slightly late, being that his birthday was last Saturday.
I also had a chat over msn with my former bit, who was rather drunk. I said a few things I shouldn't have, but I think a few things I said needed saying, and I got away with them - possibly due to the drunkeness.
Somedays it is good to be the sober one.
Though the fact I've entirely fallen for someone who is now pointly being "a friend" and that I am now flirting harder than I was before hand is possibly not the best look. I guess I should learn to avoid wet dreams made flesh in the future, especially when at first they seem interested in me.
Ok, I really want to get back together, and I'm pretty sure it's not an option.
Oh, and Si was talking, a little, tonight. I was right, he's not been talking because he's all busy and overworked. So I guess I should nag at him for attention less. Today's quote is "Virgin State Of Mind" by K's Choice.

18th September 2003.
Having finished Maskerade yesterday morning, I went to bed and read The Sea and Little Fishes. Though I have finally started sleeping again, so today should be reasonable good. Yay for sleep. It seems the fact I've now got to the stage I can shamelessly flirt, I've also got to the stage I'm ready to sleep.
My mind is a weird place.
And I should go make myself breakfast and get ready for class.
My lab was pretty pointless, and neither of my lectures were all that interesting either. While walking between two of my classes I saw and waved to my former bit, and I was mostly ok, if momentarily lust-struck. I think I'm beginning to deal, though I'm still a little (read "very very very lots-of muchly") bitter that it's over. Then after classes I met up with Alana to help her hand out free samples for her job, but she didn't feel like it so we went to lunch with her bf instead. Then I came home and spent the arvo reading Carpe Jugulum, though very slowly for some reason, I've hardly got into it at all.
You are The Cap'n!

Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!
I went to my mother's for dinner, to give my brother his birthday present, and then came home and stuffed around a bit more.
I then accidentally offended my former bit with a throw away comment that was taken way out of context, and lead to my former bit throwing a snit and going offline.
I'm feeling really bad about it, as it wasn't what I meant at all. Though it is possibly much healthier than the getting back together I'm craving. I am such a git - I really have to learn to accept rejection, and not trying to talk things back to where I want them to be. Especially as I suck at it.
I think I may have to spend tomorrow wearing a newspaper pirates hat and saying Arrrrrrr.

21st September 2003 - Matthew, Ap. and Evan. Mem. of S. Laudus.
Okay. I'm a dirty piker. I didn't wear a paper pirate's hat, didn't dress up at all, and barely even said "Arrrr" all day. I just went to classes and kept apologising for a comment I made that my former bit took out of context and blew way out of proportion and was all offended and annoyed at me about. Then after my classes I came home and did laundry and generally just stuffed about. In the evening my flatmate decided I was whining too much, so feed me a bunch of some gin cocktail he'd whipped up. After drinking far too much of it, I ended up meeting Midget at the Reclaim the Night march in town, and then I sat at the concert aftre Midget buggered off to the movies and left me there. So I sat with Di until she played, and then talked to Aaron for a while before pottering off home to read a bit and then sleep.
Yesterday, I watched cartoons and played computer games for most of the day. In the evening I chatted to Si for a while, and then curled up in bed and spent the evening finishing off Carpe Jugulum - which ends my Granny Weatherwax fest, having reread the whole set.
Today I got up and played some puter games. then my aunt rang and said she was coming around for morning tea / lunch and then arrived with two of my cousins as a pleasant surprise. I haven't seen Anita or Duncan in years, so it was nice. And they've both grown up to be quite tolerable human beings. If only I'd managed the same. Ah well. After they left I watched Ghostbusters II on telly, stuffed around on the net and generally achieved nothing. Then after going to the supermarket for fruit juice, milk, bread and marg, I came home and stuffed around some more.
Wahoo, I just had one of my best runs ever on neopets. I won on all the free games. Go winning stuff for no expenditure of NP (meaning neopets money). I am so sad.
And my former bit was complimenting me on my looks, so I'm randomly happy.
It's now Sunday evening, and I'm yet to do my chem assignment, or write the letter to the dean of pharmacy I really should have had in by now.

22nd September 2003 - Maurice and Compp. Martt.
I hate pharmacy, so I'm finally writing the letter to apply for withdrawal from study.
In lighter news I heard the midget sing today - she's not crap. And I saw Nina, who reminded me to hurry up and quit pharmacy, and Catriona. It was an okay day except for the pharmacy bits. Oh, and my workshop of public health was taught by my little brother's standard four teacher.

23rd September 2003 - Thecla, V., not Mart. With Nocturn.
I have now quit pharmacy. I handed in my withdrawal from study letter this morning. It felt SO good.
This morning I was running late and almost got myself run over by my former bit at the Willowbank corner, and ended up getting a ride to varsity. It was a bit awkward, I kept not knowing what to say, coz I'm a git. And even with the ride it took longer to get to my pharmacy class than usual, I'm blaming my stupid dress shoes I had to wear for dispensing. They always give me blisters, even with the thickest of socks. Though I suspect the ride didn't act speed up my getting there at all, what with campus parking being the way it is, but it was nice. I think we will actual manage to be friends - so long as I don't screw it up. And I possibly will. Then I had classes, between which I printed out my letter and took it to the associate dean while I was supposed to be in a chem workshop. She was actually very nice about it, and told me that since I had a passion, it only makes sense that I go with it.
At lunch time I bought all Season One of Xena on DVD.
Then after lunching I had a pharmacy dispensing practice prac exam. I had to make suppositories and a suspension. No fun at all, but atleast I finished early and my preparations seemed pretty good.
Anyway, I'm stuffing around. I have solid classes from 9 till 5 tomorrow.
Oh, other fun thing that happened. My cell phone was possessed by the devil. I took it out of my bag and found it was already in a call to my former bit. I'm guessing I bumped it about in my bag, and it dialed the last directory entry I used (in my constant txting). I felt like such a goober - and must have come across as a complete gimp.
Anyway, I should go do something.

25th September 2003 - Firminus, Bp. and Mart.
Wednesday I had classes all day, though the focus group was fun and had a goodly supply of free food. And I walked out of my lab about half way through, as I was feeling the decided need to smack one of my classmates, and thought leaving would be a better solution - she was feeling the need to lecture me about how unhealthy my lifestyle must be, appearantly the fact I'm fat in her concern. Then last night I had a weird conversation with my former bit, who is appearantly worried about me and how down on myself I am. It's not like I took a major blow to the ego recently or anything. Ok, I'm being weird about stuff.
Today I had another full day of classes, including two labs. Go Thursday. But the first lab finished half an hour early, so I got to enjoy a little of the sun, and also to have a bit of a chin wag with That-First-Year (whose now a third year), whom I keep intending to ask out but know that I never will. I've never asked anyone out, ever. I'm going to be 24 in a few months, and I've never asked out a single person ever. I really should, and when I do I want it to be someone worthy of rejecting me - thus my thinking it should be That-First-Year. Someone I quite like, and whom I have a high enough opinion of that the rejection wouldn't be too embarrasing for me. Anyway, I had another focus group meeting and then a chem lab that went to five. So if it wasn't for micro finishing a little early, I'd have been inside in class all day and missed the sun shine.
I should go sleep, I just spent the evening trying to help Alana with an assignment. I'm not sure if I did, but I had to help. Especially with how well she fed me a couple of weeks ago when I was miserable and depressed.
Oh, and my neopet is sad, join neopets through this button so she can win some referral prizes.

And I did the shower personality test this morning and got:

What was funny / vaguely disturbing is that my former bit is an "A (Chest)".
Not that these things reveal anything even approaching relevant information, or anything that even resembles accuracy. I am SO not that picky about my friends - I have too few to be picky. And judging from my crappy love life, I'm guessing the good sexual partner thing is entirely wrong as well. I'd put money on my being lousy in the sack.

Fertility Pacman

D. Hair:
Artistic type. Daydreaming is your hobby, but you can achieve what
most other people cannot. Dedication is lacking, but you will work
tirelessly towards goals which are to your liking. Money is not
important. Friends are but only intellectuals and fellow artistic
types. Make the best sex partners as you are most willing to explore
and please ther other partner. Talent is your main strength. Your best
partner in life will be those who chose A (Chest) and E (Privates).

26th September 2003 - Cyprian, Bp., and Justina, V.
My classes today were all pretty unnoteworthy. The 257 is crap and the lecturer should be killed painfully.
Today was made weird by my former bit - we had a chat covering stuff we probably should have talked about while we were going out, and it just left me feeling really weird.
I think I may also be a problem gambler in the making, I've got hooked on neopets slot machines and dice games. All my neopets money is being lost to my gambling habit.

Actually, I'm just being kind of weird in general.
And I had fish and chips, followed by Mr W's for dinner.
I should go sleep. Night.

27th September 2003 - SS. Cosmas and Damian, Martt.
I should write, but I just spent the evening with Midget, so I'm tired and grumpy and will write tomorrow, or Monday.

28th September 2003.
I broke my evil tooth again.
If I had just had it pulled it'd have save all this trouble.
Anyway, yesterday I mostly just buggered around, I went to Harvey Norman's to buy some CDs, and am in the slow processes of backing up my stuff, and sorting all my old backups to be more use. Then last night I went to coffee with Midget and Co. It wasn't too bad, but she was being somewhat snarky at me. Then she turned up just when I was going to bed to look at stuff on my computer. I choose to take it as an apology.
Today I stuffed around, broke my tooth while having a marmite sandwhich for lunch, stuffed around some more, went to my grandparents and came home to stuff around some more.
I was supposed to have spent the weekend writing my portfolio to apply to Vic with. I am bad.

29th September 2003 - Michael, Archangel.
My former bit just gave me the "I see no need to read stuff about myself that is completely partisan, and misconstrued I am sure", after I made a reference to possibly not reading my poetry. Though I had actually meant because my poetry is bad, and I didn't want to be judged by it. Somedays it's nice to realise people think they know you, but have you entirely wrong.
I'm beginning to think that our being friends isn't going to last. It's one thing to patronize me about things I actually do but I tend to get quite snarky at people who feel the need to assume things about me and then patronize me for them when they aren't even things I do. And the one slightly bitchy comment I made has now led to a rant about how much I play up the "poor matthew" card. Ah well, that friendship may be over before it even started.
I am so socially retarded. It's like a super power.
Damn, I had a bit of chocolate as chemical cheer-up, and the brazil nut in it tasted a little funny. I now have turpentine breath. It's not the best look. With my luck the nut will probably have decomposed just enough to brain damage me with cyanide, but nowhere near enough to actually kill me, so I'll just get stupider.
I should go get ready for class.
Oh, and Happy Michaelmas to all and to all a good day.

Well, pharmacy classes sucked as usual. I am so glad it's almost over. Though I did come very close to having a mental health day, fortunately Simon talked some sense into me when I was being all screwy this morning. He's a good friend, someday I really should around to telling him how much I appreciate it, I just need to come up with a way that doesn't just seem corny.
Alana fed me dinner, and I came very close to moving in to her lounge. She is currently looking after her boyfriend's PS2, and it has Kingdom Hearts. What makes it worse it that she doesn't even use it. I want a PS2, I may have to find a summer job and buy myself one.
And my former bit is still pissed off at me and not talking. Which is possibly fair, though I feel I'm the one who has more right to be offended and upset. But then I'm a selfish git with no regard for other people. And I'm constantly playing the "poor matthew" card and trying to get my own way based on the immense power of my projected uselessness.

30th September 2003 - Jerome, Presb. and Doct.
I'm not entirely happy about the fact my grumpiness has killed the friendship with my former bit before it even started. I feel guilty, but since we are no longer talking (not my choice), there isn't that much I can do about it. Bugger.
I had a couple of classes today, and another focus group meeting. but for the most part I just wasted the day away doing nothing. I'm not feeling crash hot - it's not that I'm ill, I just have too much stuff going on in my head. I can't get motivated to actually do anything much.
I think I might go sleep.