Surprising numbers of boys

I slept through my alarm on my first day of class.  I had been up late, first because I was watching I Date Rejects on TVNZ on demand.  But then because I had some seriously bad reflux - I want to blame the new meds I had just started but realistically it is just my trash body being an arse.

So I got up late, had my porridge and headed in to uni just in time for class.  I got there sweaty and gross from having to hustle to get there on time.
I sat down and got out my exercise book and pencil in a room full of children with laptops.  And I was surprised by the fact there were more than a dozen guys in the class.  I think the gender ratio in what was called Women's Studies not that long ago isn't far off that of Pharmacy School when I did it.  Though unlike in Pharmacy School, the boys in GEND101 were spread out and not all hiding in a clump at the back.

Then lunch with Greer and her tiniest spawn at the Japanese place on Frederick Street.  It was very nice.  I haven't been there in ages and had forgotten how much I like their food.
Then group, which had a significantly lower turn out for session six than the first five.  Not sure if stuff was happening or if it was just that the usual people dropping out at the start thing had been delayed a few weeks.
Weirdly I felt much more comfortable talking without the only person I don't find annoying in the group being there.  May be a sign I have a bit of thing for him, which is not useful or wanted.  Thanks, stupid brain.

Walk home afterwards and I smacked into a building on Princes Street as I was too zoned out and lost my balance.  Too in my head to even walk on a footpath.

Fail human

Today was supposed to be a practice run at having a functional morning, before I start uni tomorrow.
I started breakfast two hours later than intended.
Then I did very little for a while.  Was feeling a bit achy and having that annoying heavy feeling on my chest, making breathing seem too much like effort.
But I washed and dressed as was on time to see my GP.  He thinks the chest problems are connective tissue inflammation coming after the pneumonia, irksome but not anything serious.  Hopefully he is right.  As that might mean the new meds I have started this evening will actually help.
Then the appointment went awkward, I have an attack of intrusive thoughts and in an attempt to drown then out I ended up being someone what radically honest about how poorly I am handling my anxiety and depression.  I am now getting a psych referral, with the service my counsellor said he thought I was doing well enough not to need.  I feel like I am cheating on student health, who have been dealing with my crazy, by letting my GP get involved.
But I am doing pretty badly, so the more help the better.  Maybe.

Anyway, went to town and got my meds.  Got some groceries.  Stuffed around a bit to make sure I wasn't walking through the exchange during the "danger window" (i.e. when Shitlord might be crossing my route - because I am a fucking functional adult).  I got a "real fruit ice-cream" from the Octagon two-four.  It was not good, I do not recommend.

And that was my day.

My efforts to focus more on the positive on this thing do not seem to be going great....

Wasted weekend

Friday morning I went aquajogging with Midget.  It was very pleasant, but I got home and my body collapsed out from under me.  So that was pretty much all the Friday I did.  Ended  up ordering in stewed pork belly noodle soup for dinner so I would eat something healthsome.

Saturday I was still feeling pretty sore and blaming exercise, though was also coughing up some phlegm and breathing felt like there was a weight on my chest, which means it really isn't exercise's fault.  My body is just being useless, possibly due to being sick with something transient rather than my regular chronic sickness.  Though I did go for a walk and get a fancy sandwich from a street food place.  That is almost like being a human.

Today I woke up super sore.  Muscles screaming in pain for reasons nothing to do with the exercise I did.  Either neurogenic something or just plain old seizure in my sleep.  Whichever it was I could barely move my arms.  So I have done nothing but watch some YouTube and far too much of Arrow, so that I was caught up for "Crisis of Infinite Earths".  Which I have sorted finally.
Arrow may have the worst science of all of them, which is ridiculous as it is the least super power having.  It is painful to watch.
At dinner, making instant noodles with veges, I went to put an egg in and realised I had two eggs from a pack expiring in early November and and unopened six pack expiring mid December. I tested them all and only two eggs sank, and only one sank properly enough to leave me confident it was good to eat.  But the meal only needed one.  So was all good......

I feel wasteful for letting stuff expire.
I say, while there is still cake my trans-sister made for my birthday in my fridge.  It should be thrown out but I will probably leave it to get truly disgusting first......

I have been so lame and sick that I haven't even kept on top of doing the stupid minor daily tasks in Pokemon Sword.  Too sick to play children's games.  I am so lame.

Random itches are irksome

So after hours of lying awake I got up once I could hear the workers outside, meaning it was past 0700.  Then pottered uncomfortably until it was time to head to group therapy.   For which I still failed to do the homework.  And because I was running later than I liked I had to walk past Shitlord's flat.
Group was weird and unfun and I got cornered into crying in front of people.
After group I failed to supermarket usefully, only buying almond milk so got home to order deliveries for dinner.  So successful at being a human....

Wednesday morning I woke early again for no f-ing reason.  So far as I can tell purely as a result of a dream that was super vivid when I woke but quickly vanished entirely.  I didn't do much, was just killing time before evening plans, but at lunch time they were cancelled.  Fortunately Carla turned up to offer me a ride to the supermarket as an excuse for her to get some vent on.  So I got to interact and pretend that I was useful for something.  Ever.

Today, my first intentional early rise, so I could be up and ready to go see my counsellor so he could follow up on how the group thing is going.
He really doesn't trust me to not harm myself.
But he is easy to talk to, even if it mostly just ends up pretty random.
Then when to clubs day where I signed up the Roleplayers and a couple of other things just so the groups would have my student ID to count toward their needing members for things.  Also signed up as a homo in the pretence that I am actually going to make an attempt to make queer friends and not just avoid all gays forever because Shitlord.....
Then I had noodles for lunch with Oli, which is always nice before pottering home and zoning out for most of the rest of the day.   I did get home to a parcel of op shop candles and a range of weird Asian grocery instant noodles from Alana.  That was nice.  Though the unused bride and groom chess pieces candles feel like they must have a story behind them.  Maybe trying to get back in to writing could be kick started by looking at op shops for things that must have sad backstories.
Otherwise I don't really know where my day went.
And I have a tiny spot on my left forearm, which may have been a hair follicle.  It is now a tiny but extremely itchy hole.

20 hours

I woke at just after 4 am this morning.  I SO much pain.  It was one of those icepick headaches where both icepicks were moving in and out and twisting, but also being pushed away from each other making the whole skull feel warped and under pressure.  They are not my favourite kind of headache.
And it came with the sort of muscle pain that I assume means I had had a bit of a seizure.

After about an hour of lying in pain I got up to pee.  It didn't go great, I had little control of my limbs and the trip only a few metres to the bathroom took a long time.

I should blog about the rest of the day but I just realised I have been awake 20 hours.  I should be sleeping.

The Darkness

This morning one of my friends died.  He has been sick a long time, but it still sucks.
I had done a pretty shit job of keeping in touch, as never got along with his wife, so can't really justify worrying about getting myself up north for a funeral.  I will just have to feel bad about it all by myself.
He was a great dude, I probably owe him my chemistry degree.  If not for him I would have need a work ethic in order to get it.


Otherwise, for the general journal aspect of this thing.  Yesterday I visited my grandmother and had the same conversation with her several times over, carefully not telling her when she was forgetting and repeating as she was getting angry enough at her self when she noticed.  Dementia... I have to make sure I die of something else first.
The walk there and back and a couple of hours talking to her took everything I had out of me.
I need more spoons.  (If that makes no sense, google spoon theory, the wikipedia on it isn't terrible.)
I got home, had dinner and zoned out.

This morning I was watching Dr Who on TVNZ on demand and pottering about getting ready for my plans when I got the bad news about my friend from chemistry.  I am not naming him as I know his wife doesn't want it mentioned on social media yet, so I guess she doesn't want it turning up in google alerts either.
Then I went for lunch with Greer and her newest spawn.  Finally meeting it, over six weeks after it entered the world.  We got Japanese while the spawn slept through pretty much everything.
Then I wandered along to the tent village for O week and was reminded how freaking old I am.  And killed enough time that it was safe to walk home without any risk of bumping into Shitlord near his work as he'd either already be at work or not passing the area.
Yes, I still try to avoid time and place combination where I might see him.  Because I am winning at being an adult......

Always exhausted

I am so run down.
Just ridiculously run down.
Have spent the last two days in my PJs too exhausted to do much of anything.
May be being sick - or may just be being me.

Thursday morning I did go swimming with Midget after a failed attempt to get Carla and Tina to come with us.  Was good.  I need to exercise So much more than I do.  Then had a coffee and chat with her before she went off to something and I caught up with Oli for lunch.

I think lunch with Oli was the last time I spoke to a human.

Otherwise has just been me - semi-zoned out - in my house. Continuing to find even Pokemon to be too mentally exhausting.

Laziness

Finally removed Budapest from the world clock on my phone today, after noticing it was still there and realising that I shall never likely have need for it again.

Yesterday I only made it out of bed because the nurses running the group therapy texted to remind me I had a session to go to.  It do not enjoy it.

In the evening I splatted feeling too tired to do anything.  My Pokemon are neglected.  But come bed time, could I get to sleep?  Nope.  But then still slept too long and feel exhausted today.

I was planning to supermarket and visit my grandmother today.  It has not happened.  I am still in my PJs and it is now too late for visiting my grandmother to be worth it, her mind goes by later in the afternoon. And my D&D game for tonight has been called off.

I might go get Speight's Ale House lamb shank, as it should be safe tonight.


[Edit]
Carla dropped off enchiladas, I don't have to leave the house.  And I don't have to build up the courage to go Speights, even though my reason to fear it shouldn't be there today.

Paasha

Went out for dinner with a friend, not a super close friend but one I keep failing at being better friends with.  Turns out the last time I actually caught up with him was before I went to Canada last year - so pretty much a year ago.  Also turns out that even back then I was leaving people with the impression my relationship with Shitlord was a dumpster fire of suffering.
We went to Paasha, which was exceedingly full.  Everywhere seemed to be.  And then went very empty when it was time that people had to head for the Queen concert.
We ate, we talked, I got to re-vent all my continuing rage at Shitlord to someone who hadn't heard it all before. It was nice.

Warm

At 1 am I had a cold shower because I was too warm to sleep.  It helped a little but not a lot.
Today I have done nothing as feeling lethargic from the warmth.  Have further invested time and water into cold showering.  After months of it I am mostly working out how cold I can go before it gets too unpleasant the other way.

Don't get pneumonia.

Also, ban summer.

Lockes and degrees and stew

Was feeling a bit weird just now.  So I took my temperature.  About a degree above normal.
At least I have not magically got well while waiting for the hospital referral.  Which would be embarrassing and wasteful.  No idea how long that referral will take to actually come through though.

Friday, I did not wash.  I only left the house at all as Carla was dropping something off and took me to the supermarket.  Otherwise played some Pokemon and watched some YouTube and some Netflix.

Saturday, I was too mentally exhausted for no reason to even play Pokemon so my switch spent the day playing YouTube - mostly Critical Role.  Late afternoon I got a text from a friend inviting me to go and see Little Women at the cinema.  So I had a very pleasant evening out with Susan.  I also discovered how much Shitlord broke me about socialising.  I am very uncomfortable with kindness from people who I don't know I have earned it from.  I have been friends with Susan since 1997.  She was the first school friend that I came out to.  But we haven't been super close over the past decade or two.  So her shouting tickets felt really awkward and I had to run through the anxiety of working out if there was an obligation being placed on me by it.
Friends being kind should not make me uncomfortable.
Too messed up by how much kindness was used as a tool of control by my ex.  I am broken.

After I got home I started watching the new Netflix show Locke & Key.  I spent today finishing off the season after it proved to be more riveting than I had expected.  I also made stew. Once again using high quality stir fry to make stew.  Nicer meat really does lead to a nicer result, for all that I was raised on the concept that stew is for the terrible meat.  On this another day without Pokemon as it seems too much like thinking......
Oh, and Firmin visited and gifted me his most expensive boardgame.

Whatshisface is a good name; a family with a distinguished and respectable lineage.

I don't remember doing anything much on Tuesday night.  Netflix history says I spent it watching Harlon whatshisface's The Stranger, so mostly I was playing Pokemon while everyone else was at Elton John.  That and Queen are concerts I would have tried to sort Shitlord for if that was still a miserable thing.

Wednesday I watched Bojack Horseman and had a surprise flat inspection (the letter came long enough ago that I had forgotten) that I am very glad I had pants on for. 
I left the house to got to D&D and have a subway sandwich for dinner (chicken bacon ranch).  Game was okay though I was very sleepy and kept almost dozing.  I got home after to suddenly be annoyingly awake.
About when I should have been going to bed I started watching Ragnarok (a Netflix show from Norway) and lusting after a 46 year old Icelandic actor.

Today I had intended to be able to sleep in.  Stupid asbestos removal people still working on the public holiday and starting just after 0700.  Though as the regular builders were not there I am not sure they had health and safety or even first aid.
And I spent much of today feeling gross and finishing off the Norwegian show.  Also realised I admitted my high school crush on the Norwegian on Facebook, where I have said Norwegian as a friend (who I believe doesn't read my posts but I don't actually know that).  Many, many years ago I was told to come clean on the crush but I never did - and now it is so far in the past to mean nothing except as a flush of embarrassment.
Had dinner with Firmin, Simon and Joe.  It was nice.  I took my switch and gave Joe some harder to get Pokemon in Sword in my awkward attempts to be friends at him.

Fainting goat

I am failing to stand up today.  So wobbly and faint.
I am blaming the asbestos removal team who woke me with banging and swearing at quarter past 7, but I ear plugged up and went back to sleep after that.

I guess it is a public holiday so there isn't a lot to do today anyway so it is okay, though it means missing out on going to Taieri Mouth with Oli and his lot.

I am a bad person. Which is the opposite of the affirmation I am supposed to be saying (I'm a good space-octopus).

One of the guys in therapy group, the only person there that I don’t find annoying, reached out a hand of friendship. Which, on reflex, I metaphorically slapped away.
I am bad at group therapy and bad at being a human.

Also, I picked a very bad day to reject a ride home.  It is VERY wet.

I got very soaked through, navigating the insane Elton John related crowds in town as I worked my way home.  The city just had SO many older people being jerks.

I keep autopiloting to oil my beard after I shower.
Oil goes on my hand and then the realisation that I am unhelpfully on autopilot hits.

Still alive, unfortunately

Heard back from my GP.  All my tests came back clear so am being referred to the hospital.  While the chest pain is a bother, the temperature thing seems to be happening less frequently and only into the low to mid 37s - so barely at all.

In other news it is Monday evening and I have not left my unit or interacted with a person since getting back from hanging with Midget on Friday night.
I should, but effort is hard and I have been feeling exhausted all the time.

What do I oil now?

Wednesday night I was up later than intended when roleplaying turned into chatting well into the night.

Thursday morning I had a counselling appointment too early for me, but I made it.  My counsellor was pretty proud of things I didn't feel were pride worthy, but apparently I am doing surprisingly well.  He no longer considers me an imminent suicide risk.

I had lunch with Oli as a distraction from entirely failing to buy a birthday present for Simon.  At the satay restaurant Oli was doused in soup when a staff member fumbled the delivery of a bowl.  He was super chivalrous and made out like it was all good and no big deal.  I think Oli is almost certainly a better person than I am.

In the evening I went to Nando's for dinner with Simon, Joe and Firmin.  And then made Firmin go to something roleplayers were doing - because it is his fault I am in the group and just because he is escaping doesn't mean I can't hold old commitments against him....  because I am a worse person than many of my friends.

Friday I was not handling my brain.  Couldn't computer game because my attention span for it was nothing.  Same for watching TV - trying led to discovering piles of beard around where I had been sitting.  Anxiety based distraction seemed pretty likely after that evidence.  Ended up reading a graphic novel (Big Hard Sex Criminals vol.1).

In the evening I went for a drive and chat with Midget.  A few hours of easy conversation.  It was very nice.

Today I was pretty out of it.

All I did was watch some cartoons and then decide my beard was too patchy and gross, so I shaved.

Shaving was probably a horrible mistake.