The month of birthday and christmas induced bouts of depression - I am SO looking forward to it all.
Review of Firefly - my favourite TV show ever.
1st December 2004.
Ergh, getting very annoyed by one of my friends who keeps being surprised that I do work on my thesis every freaking day and keeps congratulating me for being "on the right track" - which is about as patronising as is physically possible. It is really not helped by the fact that she has no idea what I'm doing and gets the fun glazed over eye look if I try to explain it. I really don't need people who are less on to it than I am treating me like I'm retarded.
OKay, I was going to write last time, and then slept instead. So a bit of a catch up is in order.
Friday I got up, having planned to have a day off, and found my headache had finally gone away, so I spent the day at varsity doing bibliography work and reading for my thesis. In the evening I went to Michiel and Cathy's for a small party. Michiel is off to Europe for a while, some people get all the fun.
Saturday I fluffed around a bunch, and whined at Simon about crap. He was pretty good about it, and being pleasantly chatty. He even pointed out that I am always welcome to visit. Someday I should take him up on the offer - I just have to work through my issues about butting in to other peoples lives. In the evening I went to the 21st of someone I was in youth group with, all those many, many years ago in my dark and dirty Presbyterian past. It made for a fun night, I got retardedly drunk and chatted to Oli about crap, and caught up with Filz, which was all good (and damn she is pretty).
Sunday, I woke with super acidified stomach, it was not happy. Fortunately weetbix saved me from the pain and then I just spent the day feeling tired. The afternoon and evening was spent with my family. I went to my gradparents', it was pretty good.
This week has pretty much been spent between my conference paper for Vic (which is now submitted to be published) and chasing up stuff for my thesis. Have been making a bit of progress, which is good. Though I think I'll have to go and talk to the Gender department, and probably also the Theology lot.
Last night I also finally semi-organised my birthday party. It'll be on the 11th. If anyone is reading this and wasn't invited but think that you should be, drop me an email and I'll send out details.
Anyway, I should probably go do that sleep thing again. Otherwise I'll just sit online midget-stirring (and there is no sport in it, she practically stirs herself).
Rygel: "When a woman, whether she's your wife, your lover, or a slave you purchased to be your wife or lover, leaves you repeatedly, take the hint."
5th December 2004.
All my friends who didn't believe me when I said I was finally over my ex were right. Damn it. I was all nicely self-deluded for over a month and now I'm just feeling like a complete retard. I'm currently so agry with my self I'm feeling like I might cry and feeling like I might cry is pretty much top of the list of things that make me angrier with my self. It doesn't take a genius to see how unhelpful a cycle this one is setting up.
Anyway, on Thursday after an unproductive day in which I kept falling asleep in my office I went in to town and impulse bought 3rd Season Farscape. It was expensive, but cheaper than what I paid for the earlier seasons. So Thursday night went to watching it. On Thursday I also bought moisteriser (?spelling?) for the first time in my life, my dry skin had taken the step to actually cracking - and I decided that skin failing to seperate outside and inside was no longer happy skin and I'd have to do something about it. I now miss being able to scratch with the nice sharp lumps of dry skin, but the not cracking and bleeding is a big bonus.
Friday morning also went to Farscape, though the afternoon was spent quite constructively work related. Friday evening was bad TV followed by the epic mission to watch the rest of the series of Farscape before I went to bed. Though I failed by three episodes, as at some time after three in the morning my ability to stay awake abandoned me.
Saturday I finished Farscape and then generally fucked about playing sims and watching some Buffy goodness. Go the productive day. I'm trying to think if I left the house at all, and I'm becoming progressively more sure that the furthest I got from my room was the clothes line.
Today, I went to my ex's so we could go down to the satan parade in a group. It was all pretty good - the parade was uneventful but vaguely amusing and Kumari and Nick are fun company. I also finally heard bout my ex's new boyfriend, I knew there was one but didn't have any details. Then the group of us watched a DVD, Something's Gotta Give (which was ok, but nowhere near as good as I was expecting - the end dragged on a bit), and I got dropped home. It was while I was walking up my stairs that I realised how self deluded I had been.
Basically, I'm a dick. I somehow thought the fact that I'd given up on me and my ex growing old together, and had accepted it was an unrealistic goal, meant that I had stopped wanting it. I am such a retarded meat-sack.
In brighter news, looks like my birthday party will have a turn out of about four or five. Go me.
Glen is giving me a pep talk about how I should stop being friends with my ex, atleast until I have moved on. I'm not liking the idea, and getting annoyed at his tendancy to explain things in ways that make sense. Stupid people using logic to argue ideas I'm not happy about.
And I have to get Si to look at my 'puter. I have to find out if my modem is saveable or if it needs replacing. Only being able to connect through my flatmate is becoming progressively less and less fun.
Today's quote is from the Farscape episode "Crichton Kicks".
take the "what's your dark secret?" quiz | courtesy of mewing.net. where darkness and secrecy abound.
6th December 2004 - Nicholas, Bp. and Conf.
Today I got a bit of work done, I was even in the office till about six this evening. Wasn't as productive as it should have been though. Suffering a nasty case of thinking. Thinking never does me any good.
After months of wondering why my friendship with my ex isn't as close as it used to be, my brain finally admitted some basic truths. My ex's other friends are all much more pleasant to be around than I am. Thing like last night pretty much make me difficult to be friends with. And I over react to everything. Frankly, I'm amazed we are friends at all, being how much I suck. I should be very glad of people's capacity for mercy.
Also Michel Foucault scares me. Crazy french fag that he was.
7th December 2004 - Oct. of S. Andrew, Ap.
I went into varsity this morning, bumped into someone I always thought I should make the effort to get to know better and got the "it's nice to have known you" - this time of year, when people are leaving town forever, kind fo sucks - and email contact details for the whole staying in touch. Then after a bit of work I headed off and got my mop chopped. It looks stupid, it's not quite the hair cut I usually get as the hairdresser seemed to ignore pretty much everything I said. Insult to injury, she used a styling goop that I turned out to be allergic to (had to come home and shower after lunch when I realised). Alana took me to lunch, which was good.
Anyway, I should go sleep. Being that I'm being grumpy, and if I stay up I'll probably just rant at Simon - which is not going to win me friends.
9th December 2004.
Yesterday I had icky red scalp, though fortunately the itching had passed and so long as no-one paid too much attention it just looked like sunburn (and as I'm not worth paying attention to, no-one does). It was also too darn warm yesterday, and combine that with the fact I've felt continually tired for the past couple fo months, it didn't make for an ultra-productive day.
Anyway, I should go do stuff or I'll achieve just as little today.
14th December 2004.
Friday, I did some work in the morning, then went to lunch with Alana, Rach and little baby Samantha. Made for a good afternoon, then I came home and had an evening of bad TV and unproductiveness. Yay.
Saturday went to shopping for my party - turned out surprisingly time consuming. Mid-afternoon I made some mix CDs (so my CDs wouldn't get scratched - as people at parties never seem to respect CDs), and after showering and a quick dinner, I made it to Katie's with just enough time to set stuff up before people started to arrive. The party was pretty good I think - though I was stupidly, stupidly drunk, so I could be wrong.
Sunday, I was still drunk at lunch time. Then I went to see Rebecca Greet, and a few of our crowd from school, as she was visiting town after six years(ish, memory vague) in England. Then dinner with the grandparents, and a generally nice day.
Yesterday, my actual birthday. I fell asleep in my office before lunch - not a good look. Then my father took my out for very tasty lunch at Eureka. After lunch I went to town and bought season four of Farscape and the book The Wolves in the Walls with vouchers (some for my birthday from grandparents, some I already had). In the afternoon no work was done.
Today started slow, but was surprisingly productive. It also featured a very tasty (and expensive) lunch shouted by my Aunt at the Jazz Gallery (extra expensive part of the staff club).
I know I had some extra witty things I had thought up to write in this, but I can't remember any of them now - darn it - so I shall just have to be unwitty.
16th December 2004 - O Sapientia.
Flat hunting sucks, everywhere I've tried has already been filled. Though in one case this was good, I rang for a two person place with someone who turned out to have the sexiest voice - not something that would have lead to a healthy flatting arrangement. Having a crush on someone I'm faltting with would seem to be a stupid plan, thus something to be avoided.
Yesterday I had a low productiveness day at work, fuzzy head and generally not getting anywhere with stuff. So I came home mid afternoon to rescue my washing while it was dry and before the weather got around to raining on it. In the evening I went to a theatre group meeting / potluck. A youth theatre group wanted to use some of my stuff for some performace arty thing, didn't take in all that much as one of the guys kept giving me more beer and I ended up more than a little drunk.
After a crappy sleep, disturbed by weird Farscape involved dreams and the need to pee, I decided I'd take the day off, as I knew it would be unproductive anyway. So I had a day of relaxing instead, with nothing more strenuous than lunch in town with Dot. Also started to feel very sick in the afternoon, thought it might be some sort of delayed hangover until I realised it was because I had forgotten my meds the night before. Stupid needing drugs.
I'm considering quitting my masters. I'm feeling too thick to do it.
18th December 2004.
I went to sleep last night expecting an early morning phone call with some sort of bad news, after at about 10:30 last night I suddenly started feeling extremely sad for no discernible reason. For some reason while I was going to sleep something in my head decided it meant something bad had happened. I may have gone crazy.
20th December 2004 - Vigil.
The use of the word 'alleged' is getting insane. When I see a headline saying "which left a man dead after he was allegedly shot with a crossbow", I can't help but think "a crossbow bolt imbedded in someone means they were shot by a crossbow, it's a fact, the only thing that can be 'alleged' is weither or not it was intentional and/or malicious".
Saturday I was lazy and good for nothing for most of the day, and mistimed my trip to the supermarket to conincide with the heaviest rain and hail storm of the day. Joy. In the evening I went to drinks with Gnatacia and her chem lot. T'was good, though I'm clearly becoming an alcoholic. This is slightly concerning.
I spent yesterday with my ex. I'm continually unsure as to how one sided our friendship is. I know I'm a lot more invested in it than I should be, but I can never work out how invested in it my ex is. Sometimes I'm sure it's all one-sided, as I'm pretty much left out of everything in my ex's life - but by the same token, the leaving me out can clearly be explained away as protecting me from things that would just upset me in my context as creepy, obsessive ex. I'm confused. Confused and retarded. I think being quite besotted with someone I also treat as my best friend is a recipe for craziness, if only moving-on would prove more do-able. I know I'm never going to be good enough for me ex, so I should just accept that it's not going to be a happening thing and move on. If only it was easy.
This is of course not helped by my intense dislike of feeling emotions. Many years of successfully suppressing all feeling has lead to me being entirely unable to actually deal with stupid emotions - and pretty much an emotionally frelled adult (gorram, I'm using sci-fi tv swearing without meaning to - I watch too much tv). I think my teenage years all so depressed I wasn't actually able to feel anything has pretty much left me with problems. Ugly, fat and having of problems - I think I can see why there aren't people all a-queuing-up.
21st December 2004 - Thomas, Ap.
Yesterday I spent with Catriona, watching the extended RotK - which is a crime against the book. I think we spent almost as long debating what punishment Peter Jackson deserved as we did watching the film.
Spent today at varsity trying to get some work done - not hugely productively. At lunch I realised how sad and lonely I've become, I had chronic wandering eye.
I still haven't found a flat for next year - at this rate I may have to suck up to Vaughn and see if I can stay here.
Haven't even done my xmas shopping. I am so useless.
Also haven't been invited to any New Years things yet, may end up being a sad git and spending it at home.
Have also realised my ability to not talk pointlessly at me ex isn't so hot. I really have to stop being so emotionally dependant on contact with someone who gets grumpy about me saying anything without a clear point.
26th December 2004 - Stephen, Protomartyr.
Christmas leads to me being SO extra lardy and gross feeling.
Well, on the 22nd I went to the office, did a little work, before going shopping for christmas presents - I hate shopping.
The 23rd followed a very similar pattern. On one of these two days, I'm not sure at all which, I hung out with Midget for a while and got invited to a New Years party, so I no longer have to sit around alone like the loser I am for New Years.
Can't remember what I did on Christmas eve except that I went shopping for a short while with Tina, and got covered in Cat fur during my short ride in her car - her cat sheds when stressed (by such things as being in a car).
Christmas morning I woke very early after very disturbed sleep, not the best start to the day really. I headed off to my mother's place to wake them up and do the whole present thing (though they were already awake and getting impatient for me to arrive when I got there at 7:30 - which was half an hour earlier than I had said I would be there). Then after a morning of presents and catching up with various family friends, we headed to my aunts for the big family christmas dinner. It was pretty good. Though I felt stupidly full and didn't even try most of the desserts. In the late afternoon me and my git of a brother walked around and visited my father for a couple of hours, which was nice in the lack of me having to eat anything - I was feeling very ill after the lunch. Then it was home to a night being a sad git in my room and watching Buffy DVDs (2nd season with all the evil Angel tension).
This morning I watched more Buffy then headed in and had a peruse about the Boxing Day Sales, which proved uninspiring. Then I came home to and afternoon and evening of feeling intensely depressed for no discernible reason. I'm having one of those fun days when I wish I'd just die already. Someday I should grow a spine and follow through on my death wish.
And on that bright note, I'm off to bed.
30th December 2004.
The days since christmas I have spent doing massive amounts of bugger all. Playing on the net, playing some Neverwinter Nights Mods, rediscovering how addictive Transport Tycoon is. Not all the much worth writing about, really.
I had been asked out by someone over the net, but it didn't pan out. Mainly as I was openly not that enthausiastic (I'd agreed to meet only in the hope the unnaturally skinny freak would turn out to have attractive friends), plus it turns out my picture was less appealling than my description as fat and ugly.
Anyway, tomorrow I am off to Kingston for New Years. It's my first New Years out of town in ages. Also the first in a while that I won't spend doting on my ex - this part of the plan I am a little less happy about, as it is usually my favourite part of New Years (I'm bad, I know).
