Too warm

Tracking thins with the thermometer that Carla bought me showed that when I start to feel weird and gooey it means I am getting warm.  Sometimes only into the 37s, sometimes all the way up into the low 38s.
This made me more glad I had already made and was waiting for an appointment with my GP.

Sunday and Monday were all PJs and unwashed grossness.  After Sunday being a diet of stew and nothing but sew, Monday I justified ordering bibimbap delivered.
On Monday my patience with Pokemon finally cracked and I went back to the story so I could finish it.
Tuesday I washed and dressed and left the house.  Doctors appointment that involved over 40 minutes of impatiently waiting as he was running far behind schedule and then being sent for blood tests without any drugs for the interim - which is fair as he has no idea what is causing the temperature spikes.
The doctor was also the first time I had spoken to anyone outside my house in a week (during which time I had only had one short conversation in my house).  I am unhealthily isolated and possibly snapping.
Then group therapy.  Which I do not like and don't particularly feel is helpful for me.  Maybe when we get on to actual CBT it will seem more use.
Got the blood tests on the way home, then played the post-game of Pokemon Sword.  Am now pretty much done - can judge IVs and get angry at how the Pokemon I like mostly have terrible stats - except my flapple who is amazing and in my heart forever.....
Flapple for the win.

Kissed a boy

I got talked into meeting up with some Australian passing through the city.  I did in my attempts to be less of a pining shut-in.
It lead to such making out that I am pretty sure my lips are bruised.
First proper kissing of a non-Shitlord in the almost six years since the cheerful idiot with the wolf "spirit animal" tattoo at a friends house-warming.
Also. being kissed by someone who was clearly interested in doing it made me realise how long it has been since Shitlord had kissed me with that much passion.  Another sign I should have noticed that things weren't good.  I mean, it was not like things were chaste but I had forgotten what that sort of passion directed at me felt like.
Downside: the Australian is question, while very attractive and having a fullness of beard I will never be able to match, was 22.
I am also jealous of how his chest and back hair came up above his t-shirt collar and pretty much just ran continuously into his beard and hair.  I know a lot of people are against that much fur but I would love to be that hairy - so I could fake masculinity without having to even pantomime it....


Nice end to a day that was otherwise just Pokemon, YouTube and making slow cooker stew in the middle of summer.

Ergh

Being home sick and isolated from people doesn't do my favours.
Is making it a fight to not message Shitlord - things being left on a dumb note is annoying.  if things between as can't be fixed (and everyone tells me that they can't) then they should at least end in a tidier fashion.  but I say that in the knowledge that I won't be able to cut him off and it is probably better for me to just learn to enjoy that he cut me off (when that is probably what I needed).

I have not washed in a while as I am not the most stable at the standing upright thing.
And I am running low on my easy food.
But I have got my 6th badge in Pokemon Sword now, as I was maxing out a lot of things and needed to progress the game just to be able to keep doing anything in it.

Temperature seems to be setting down.  The doctor's appointment I made on Wednesday for the first available appointment with my GP - Tuesday next week - may be unnecessary by the time it comes along.

The leaking face

I slept under just a sheet.
I woke up utterly covered in sweat on one of the coolest mornings the city has had in a long while.
I am definitely running some sort of fever.

The pillow is disgustingly wet.

I do not like groups

I stayed in bed longer than I should have but still managed to get to lunch with Erin (a friend from high school who is always pretty nice to me but who I am terrible at keeping properly in touch with - too much of the interactions I have had with her in recent years were trying to network for Shitlord as she works in the field he trained in).
After a very pleasant lunch and walk, I had group therapy.
The only member of the group who had seemed appealing to me as a person had quit (which is good as it makes sure that finding someone immediately sort-of-likeable didn't have any chance to turn into an inappropriate attraction), and there were a few new people.
One of the new people knows both facilitators pretty well, I am assuming he has done other courses with them, and is kind of domineering over the group.
Group therapy was never going to be pleasant but this guy is going to make it much less pleasant.

I also just don't like doing anything with that many people - especially that many strangers.

I ended up giving false answers to the questions asked of me, though framed them to make it clear they were expected answers and not true ones so as to not actually be lying.  The facilitators did not seem to notice.

At this stage the managing depression group is just making my feel more depressed.

Though the looking at depression over time stuff in the work book has made me realise how much less depressed I am post break compared to prebreak up.

I am much sadder now, but less depressed (sadness and depression are not actually the same and, to an experienced mentally unwell person, they feel distinctly different).
It is showing how much the gaslighting and poor/neglectful treatment was slowly killing me.
Shitlord was pretty shit to be in a one-way relationship with.....

Thank god for flaky homos

I got ditched without so much as a message, the way homos are known to when a better offer comes along.
And I am so glad.
I was making myself pretty damn sick with nervousness and something sort of like disgust that I was considering possibly slightly touching a non-Shitlord.
I am so caught up on my shitty ex and I am so far from moving on, pretending doesn't help as much as I'd like.

Weirdness is me

I have been asked out for a drink this evening with someone who has been hitting on me in a laid back way since October.
There is a chance that tonight I might kiss an non-Shitlord mouth for the first time in many years.
Maybe.
Still not confident that I am ready.  But might help me to stop missing Shitlord's kisses.  It might help weaken the urge to reopen contact - which gnaws at me, for all that I know no good would come of it.

Which makes the shower I had today more justified.  While I was washing I was being glad that Susan had made me leave the house on Friday or it would have been even longer since I had washed and I would have gone into it smelling even worse.

Still feel a bit physically weird, but temperature seems normal today so am assuming yesterday was just weirdness not the sign I am growing new pneumonia.  Hopefully.

My dinner has a lot of garlic in it.  So maybe won't try out kissing again tonight.  I am really not confident I am ready or want to.  With anyone.  But also not with a keen mostly stranger - months of pure text interaction are seeming more and more like something that doesn't actually count now that actually meeting is on the table.
Also, good chance seeing me in person will put him off the idea of possibly being more than friends anyway.  I am odd looking in a way photos don't always catch.

Slightly sick

Only two days after getting back the results that I am over the pneumonia and I was running a fever again today.  Thermometer says I am now back to 37 degrees Celsius, but my ears and neck still feel uncomfortably hot to the touch.
Stupid flesh sack.

And typing is hard today, I seem to have some sort of typing related word salad.  I keep watching completely different words to the ones I intend appear on the screen.  Or just gibberish.

Failing to write this thing.

On Tuesday I had my first session of group therapy for managing depression.  It was purely admin and mostly a waste of time to have gone in for. m I had also had plans, postponed from the day before, to go swimming with midget but they got postponed again as we both suck at time management.

Wednesday I had been told I had to be home from 9am-4pm for a visit from the landlord.  The representative of HNZ (who I was finding surprisingly attractive) and the overlord of the construction happening on the site arrived just a bit after 10, with a surprisingly generous gift voucher for the inconvenience of having no power the next day.
I honestly don't recall what I did with the day between then and dinner time.
In the evening I went for my second ever session of actually playing D&D 5th ed.

Thursday I  ha no power in my flat all morning.  At lunch time I headed off and finally did the swimming with Midget.  Which was not really swimming, just floating in the leisure pool watching my god-daughter play with a diving toy.
Thursday evening, I went to a picnic for the 10th wedding anniversary of a couple of friends.  Also meant it was the 10th anniversary of the day I first actually met Firmin, but he was too cool for the picnic.
After the picnic one of the group gave me a ride to "after party" (which was itself finished by 10pm) and gave me a good thorough talking to about Shitlord being someone that everyone should avoid always.  It was slightly awkward as it is someone I have never really thought of as a friend - or even really as a person in their own right.  It because more awkward later in the night when I sent a thank you message and he replied by calling me a good friend.
I am pretty certain I have never earned him calling me a friend, much less a good anything.  I have been told by others that I am a bit of a dismissive dick to him.  So now in the awkward position of owing him for being decent to me, and for extending friendship that I really don't deserve.

Friday, I left the house only because Susan (a friend from high school I rarely ever see) called me out of the house to get a coffee.  I haven't caught up with her properly in a very long time, i think the last time I saw her was on one of the occasions when Shitlord had suggested he was about to move in with me and then didn't (both times this happened he didn't tell me that he hasn't taking up my offer after all until after he had already moved in somewhere else - and yes, I really should have accepted he was a anthropomorphic bag of dick years ago).  So there was some catching up and a lot of me being a rant monster.
Late that afternoon I finally got my results back for my chest x-ray (four days after ringing and asking for them, and only after going in to the office and asking in person).  Evidence suggests I bet the pneumonia and remaining symptoms are just the healing process going more slowly than is ideal.  X-ray was clear of anything worrying.
Then last night I spent the evening on the couch as an attack of neurological symptoms (something that has been getting a bit too regular recently) had me too taken out to do much of anything.

Today, was feeling a bit better so playing Pokemon (now at over 350 hours in game) and watching the whole second season of Sex Education.  Gillian Anderson is great.

Otherwise the last week can be summed up as not doing OK.  Maybe even not being OK.
The health is terrible and my brain is very caught up in Shitlord in unhelpful ways.  The not intentional way I cut things off with him sits badly, but I know that getting back in contact enough to fix that would probably do nothing but open myself up to more harm.
I am failing to human.

Not winning

The weekend was spent in my PJs - which is fine.
The worrying part is how much of it was spent swearing at Pokemon.  The fact I am snapping at a children computer game probably suggests I am not on top of things.

[edit]
Also, missing him again.  Which is never helpful.  And becoming more certain I still have a chest infection.
I showered to go do stuff today, but said stuff was cancelled so I just went to fresh PJs and playing Pokemon while not leaving the house again.

Definitely wasn't a date.

Fortunately it was definitely not a date.  We went for a walk around a bit of the town belt, then caught the bus to the beach for a walk around out there.  Bussed back to town, got satay for dinner and then went out own ways.

No chemistry, no things-are-being-romantic, just a local showing a new postgrad some bits of the city.

Not a date, probably

I have washed and left the house and bought a shitty Friends calendar because it was the only cheap calendar that I could find the right shape for my kitchen. It shall track my pills.

Now about to meet the guy from New Years.  Was for an afternoon coffee but then got pushed back to Friday evening and it seems he has planned stuff but I have been told nothing.
I hope that it has not morphed into a date, as I am not up for that yet. And don’t know what I think of the guy beyond being pretty certain there was no noteworthy chemistry.




He is very late. He did start texting apologies from only 6 minutes after he was due to arrrive, but this  is helpfully affirming the non-dateness of the situation.

PJ Day

Today put lie to how much i was telling my counsellor I had my urge to self harm under control.
I mean, I am pretty confident I will never act on it, but the urge was strong today.  Which is super annoying.

I have spent the day watching YouTube and then some season 2 Veronica Mars, while playing Pokemon.
Otherwise have just been in wallow mode, in my PJs and lamenting the lack of chocolate in my house (as I ate it all last night) but still not leaving the house to get any.


Also, I might have accidentally double dosed my meds as am feeling super weird.
I really need to get a new calendar for tracking my meds - but have failed to shop this year.  Hopefully the calendar pop-up still exists and has things dirt cheap tomorrow, otherwise will have to try luck with Typo again.

Wednesday, I think

On the way to my counsellor appointment today, while congratulation my progress in that I can now listen to "I Have Friends" without crying, I discovered that I still cannot do the same with "She Used to be Mine" - the 'she is lonely, most of the time' line breaks me.

More of a person than I was, but still have a way to go.

The counselling session also featured being congratulated for my progress.  Raging about how much of an arsehole Shitlord is in his continued attempts to keep hold of my strings while entirely failing to treat me like a human.  Apparently I no longer defend his behaviour and am just angry - and I am told this is a very good change.
And I think I convinced my counsellor to watch Crazy Ex Girlfriend - because I push the show on everyone.  It is almost at Wonderfalls levels from back in the day for how much I encourage it on people.

Otherwise today significantly was just zoning out and achieving bugger all.
At about 1630 this afternoon the delivery guy arrived with my mattress, and to take away the loan mattress.  I am so looking forward to sleeping in my bed with it being my bed again.

For all that they said nothing was wrong with it, they replaced a lot of it and it now feels much more like the sample one I tried in the store and less like the weird sloping inwards thing I had.

Weight

The last few nights I have been very dependent on my weighted blanket to keep my irrational late night panic under control.  It is something to do with Shotlord, but I am not sure exactly how.

I had a nice evening out with Simon, Joe and David, so I am hoping I prove less mental tonight.  But I will see.

Being a poor with no control of housing

My crappy apartment building's crappy ventilation is blowing a sweet chemical smell into my bathroom.
I am a bit worried it may be neighbours smoking P.
I don't want second-hand P smoke to be a feature of my life, I have enough problems already without P getting in my system and fucking my meds up even more.

Because adulting

I have been hiding alone in my PJs.
Mostly because if I interact with anyone I will have to lie and make out like I am okay.  And I am exhausted by pretending that I am okay.

So bad Netflix (I watched season 2 on You (which is more of a shitshow than the first) and am now on the third season on The Crown (which is mostly good)) and Pokemon is what I do.  While I spiral.  Wishing I had died 12 years ago.
Being sick has not been a good life, and I have done no good for anyone much around me.  My friends are very good at telling me how grateful they are to have me, but I really can't understand why.   I am human rubbish.

TV episodes are not supposed to feel like personal attacks

So, I have failed to write this year.

New Years Day I went to the supermarket under the apocalyptic sky (from fires in Australia) and after buying nothing but carbs and then determining nothing interesting was open in town I came home and slothed about in a giant T-shirt that Alana had given me as the final and most substantial part of my advent calendar, and boxers.  I briefly put on pants to answer the door for the pizza I ordered for dinner (a saviour from hells, so much salad and healthness).  A while later someone knocked on my door and I didn't think before answering.  He was looking for a neighbour, whose flat I pointed to.  He then paused and straight out offered a sexual encounter, lifting his shirt to show some full abdomen lacy piece of women's undergarment, and then only left after seeing the look on my face at that.  It occurred afterwards that my unlocking the door downstairs when expecting my pizza had probably been why the weirdo could get in.  Also, am not judging the neighbour as I suspect the guy was more after him for drugs than sex.... but so weird.

New Year's Day holiday, more playing pokemon and doing a lot of not much.  Bought a couple of 40% off digital games for my Switch.  And in the evening washed and dressed so I could go to Alana's mother for dinner.
Alana and Mike looked after me very well while they were down.

Yesterday I went out for a bit with Alana and Mike again, getting lunch at Nova in the process.
In the evening I burned my dinner, so had very over-caramelised stir-fry for dinner and then the leftovers for lunch today.

Today was much TV and Pokemon.  In the afternoon Tavendale visited for a general goodbye before he heads back north for work.  This is the weekend when everyone back in town for the festive period is heading back to their adult lives again.  I got myself into a bit of a depressive slump about my lack of an adult life.  If I hadn't got sick I fully expected to be a civil servant in Wellington, being just another fag in a suit among an army of about that.  I was mostly on track, even if I never got closer than the short list to any graduate recruitment position.
On Tavendale's recommendation I watched recent Irish supernatural comedy Extra Ordinary.  It briefly had me feeling positive about humans deserving the right to exist.  Quite a step away from my general levels of misanthropy.
The I watched the new sex miniseries of the Netflix explained series (it stylises itself all lowercase).  I felt attacked by the first episode talking about sexual fantasies.  It seems mine are far more boring and vanilla than average.  Mine seem more cliche 'girly' than what most women have.  I am dull.

Drunk. But less drunk than 2 hours ago.

Went for New Years drinks with Tavendale and Nat.
I had never been to Zanzibar before. It led to more drinks than I had had since last January combined. Which still wasn’t actually that much.
It also led to my accidentally having a New Years date.  A Latino phd student who I talked to online in a friend context and came over to meet me as such.  But then stayed for hours and was just handsy enough to be in a grey area of physically friendly and being more than friendly.
And put up with how drunk me only wanted to talk about Shitlord.

Drunk me missed Shitlord a lot.
I have a lot of positive feelings that need worked out just as much as the betrayal and damage does.
I am pretty broken.

Also, I should try to sleep and typing on my tablet is frustrating as fuck.