Had a quiet day watching some bad TV, including all of Frayed, and playing some Zelda.
My father and sibling turned up so we could go out for dinner. And it ended up being to the awful buffet Great Taste, because I couldn't bring myself to agree to go to our usual nice dinner out place, because Shitlord works there. And I am just not ready for incidental visits into spaces that are 'his space'.
I feel a bit bad for inflicting bad food on people just because I am still feeling very betrayed. And I am about fifty-fifty certain that I am going to cave and give him a real chance to try to earn back some sort of friendship. I know I shouldn't, at least not yet. But I want to be able to semi-like him.
Anyway, I should go try and sleep again.
Tomorrow I have to miss class for a memorial service for my Great-Uncle Brian. He died about three weeks ago - I probably didn't mention it on here as I was pretty distracted by the fact I had weirdness going on with Shitlord (days before it went from my friends giving me the DTMFA speech to things being pretty thoroughly over).
Sunday, 29 September 2019
Glorious Sleep
For the first time in about three weeks I managed seven hours of sleep.
It is amazing.
Shitlord feeling that I should have forgiven him already made things settle down wonderfully. It was a view straight through the gaps in his human suit. And suddenly I am not that worried if I ever find forgiveness for him or not. I have spent all this time feeling like I have to forgive everything, out of some sort of respect for the love I have for him. But I have finally realised that the person I love may be attached to him, but is not the same guy now wanting my forgiveness.
I may be stuck loving him, but apart from that I don't really have to let him mean that much else to me.
I may end up friends with him, I may not. In the great scheme of things maybe it doesn't matter.
I think the friendship would benefit him far more than it would me - I am pretty blessed with better friends than I deserve, and his friendships seem more limited than I realised. I thought he was hiding me from the majority of his friends - but I am coming to think he doesn't actually have all that many close friends. Maybe because his dishonesty has caught up with him before.
I have been assuming the dishonesty was a special just for me flaw in him as a person, but I am really not that special.
It is amazing.
Shitlord feeling that I should have forgiven him already made things settle down wonderfully. It was a view straight through the gaps in his human suit. And suddenly I am not that worried if I ever find forgiveness for him or not. I have spent all this time feeling like I have to forgive everything, out of some sort of respect for the love I have for him. But I have finally realised that the person I love may be attached to him, but is not the same guy now wanting my forgiveness.
I may be stuck loving him, but apart from that I don't really have to let him mean that much else to me.
I may end up friends with him, I may not. In the great scheme of things maybe it doesn't matter.
I think the friendship would benefit him far more than it would me - I am pretty blessed with better friends than I deserve, and his friendships seem more limited than I realised. I thought he was hiding me from the majority of his friends - but I am coming to think he doesn't actually have all that many close friends. Maybe because his dishonesty has caught up with him before.
I have been assuming the dishonesty was a special just for me flaw in him as a person, but I am really not that special.
Fail human of all fail humans
I didn't leave the house yesterday. I just watched bad TV and sulked the Friday away.
My plans to go to the climate protest vanished away like midnight smoke as I had serious moping to do in my PJs. I just didn't have the human to go outside. Though I was eating some junkfood. Finally ate the block of the new Cadbury pineapple lump block - having bought it for myself over two weeks ago. I was too easy to eat.
The only reason I even opened my door all day was because my dad visited after dinner, he had come down for the weekend - may be mostly to check on me. He stopped in for a brief chat.
Last night I almost slept. Must have been six whole hours, though a bit broken up.
Then this morning I decided it was time to test out the new switch controller, so I played some Zelda: Breath of the Wild. It is much less frustrating with a decent controller - though feeling a bit weird that I chose the Mario themed one and not the otherwise identical Zelda themed one when I bought a controller for Zelda...
Then lunch with dad and my sibling, followed by some grocery shopping.
I am not quite sure what I did with my afternoon, I think I may have mostly zoned out - though there was also a bit more Zelda. And then dinner with dad at Mitchells in Caversham.
After dinner we sat in his car outside my flat and talked for a bit over two hours. Mostly about how much I suck as a human. The wilful blindness that allowed Shitlord to happen to me. The general being an idiot who is too open and trusting. The mind that is not my friend.
My dad pointed out I was generally unfairly harsh on myself.
When then got into a discussion about how unhappy a child I was, and at how young I had started to express my wish to be dead.
Dad is helpfully very aware of how much my parents were open about not wanting me when I was small. My mother would deny it, though she was the worse offender. Even as a child I was aware that she only showed any sort of affection to me when using it against my father. It meant I had a complicated relationship with their domestic disputes.
My father being so aware of the things they did that broke me does not really help me human though.
Shitlord and I exchanged a couple of messages. I expressed some spiteful glee about the Metallica concert being cancelled after he bought tickets without even asking if I might want to be included. And bought them in shady as fuck circumstances that I am still 80ish% certain was mostly cover for him hooking up with someone. Because he explanation of the trip he had to take made no sense and was inconsistent. But there are so many seriously dubious things that I know I will never get explained.
Which makes his message encouraging me to forgive him faster all the more infuriating. I am pretty certain he knows how much of a jerk he has been, and how much damage he has done (much of which I had told him was happening at the time - but I didn't know the context that he knew).
I am not sure if he is just used to people letting him away with stuff, or if he has just got very used to my thinking what he wants me to think.
I am finding that it is getting easier.
The pain has felt different today. Much less chest pain and less driving need to cry. The nausea has been eased ever since I brought up my interest in watching him die in a fire.
I may be making progress. Obviously still angry at him, and myself. But the painful sadness is losing its edge. Hopefully I can keep things moving in that direction.
That his texting didn't get me upset tonight is a huge improvement.
And yes, I know basically all my readers are going to be angry at me for continuing to engage with him at all.
My plans to go to the climate protest vanished away like midnight smoke as I had serious moping to do in my PJs. I just didn't have the human to go outside. Though I was eating some junkfood. Finally ate the block of the new Cadbury pineapple lump block - having bought it for myself over two weeks ago. I was too easy to eat.
The only reason I even opened my door all day was because my dad visited after dinner, he had come down for the weekend - may be mostly to check on me. He stopped in for a brief chat.
Last night I almost slept. Must have been six whole hours, though a bit broken up.
Then this morning I decided it was time to test out the new switch controller, so I played some Zelda: Breath of the Wild. It is much less frustrating with a decent controller - though feeling a bit weird that I chose the Mario themed one and not the otherwise identical Zelda themed one when I bought a controller for Zelda...
Then lunch with dad and my sibling, followed by some grocery shopping.
I am not quite sure what I did with my afternoon, I think I may have mostly zoned out - though there was also a bit more Zelda. And then dinner with dad at Mitchells in Caversham.
After dinner we sat in his car outside my flat and talked for a bit over two hours. Mostly about how much I suck as a human. The wilful blindness that allowed Shitlord to happen to me. The general being an idiot who is too open and trusting. The mind that is not my friend.
My dad pointed out I was generally unfairly harsh on myself.
When then got into a discussion about how unhappy a child I was, and at how young I had started to express my wish to be dead.
Dad is helpfully very aware of how much my parents were open about not wanting me when I was small. My mother would deny it, though she was the worse offender. Even as a child I was aware that she only showed any sort of affection to me when using it against my father. It meant I had a complicated relationship with their domestic disputes.
My father being so aware of the things they did that broke me does not really help me human though.
Shitlord and I exchanged a couple of messages. I expressed some spiteful glee about the Metallica concert being cancelled after he bought tickets without even asking if I might want to be included. And bought them in shady as fuck circumstances that I am still 80ish% certain was mostly cover for him hooking up with someone. Because he explanation of the trip he had to take made no sense and was inconsistent. But there are so many seriously dubious things that I know I will never get explained.
Which makes his message encouraging me to forgive him faster all the more infuriating. I am pretty certain he knows how much of a jerk he has been, and how much damage he has done (much of which I had told him was happening at the time - but I didn't know the context that he knew).
I am not sure if he is just used to people letting him away with stuff, or if he has just got very used to my thinking what he wants me to think.
I am finding that it is getting easier.
The pain has felt different today. Much less chest pain and less driving need to cry. The nausea has been eased ever since I brought up my interest in watching him die in a fire.
I may be making progress. Obviously still angry at him, and myself. But the painful sadness is losing its edge. Hopefully I can keep things moving in that direction.
That his texting didn't get me upset tonight is a huge improvement.
And yes, I know basically all my readers are going to be angry at me for continuing to engage with him at all.
Friday, 27 September 2019
6.2
Another night of bad sleep.
After all the junkfood I ended up eating last night, stuff that had been sitting untouched for weeks, I thought I should check my blood sugar. 6.2mmol/L.
I really should have checked it at some point when I wasn't eating junkfood, or in the bit where I was barely eating at all.
Might have been night to see how much my diabetes really is just self inflicted.
It did kick in pretty fast during some of the worst depression of my life - now coloured by the realisation of how much it had been induced by Shitlord's behaviour.
Fuck.
I have to learn to stop trying to forgive him for everything.
There is a moderate to high chance that he does not deserve any forgiveness.
But forgiving is what I was raised to do - and I have basically five years experience applying that to his behaviour already.
How am I even still alive, I human so poorly.
But at least today my first thought on waking wasn't to be disappointed that I was alive, a dream had left weird noise that it took me far too long to work out were very definitely not memories. I was too busy being horrified by the thought of a terrible mistake that I have very definitely not actually made. But for a number of seconds there was truly worried I had.
After all the junkfood I ended up eating last night, stuff that had been sitting untouched for weeks, I thought I should check my blood sugar. 6.2mmol/L.
I really should have checked it at some point when I wasn't eating junkfood, or in the bit where I was barely eating at all.
Might have been night to see how much my diabetes really is just self inflicted.
It did kick in pretty fast during some of the worst depression of my life - now coloured by the realisation of how much it had been induced by Shitlord's behaviour.
Fuck.
I have to learn to stop trying to forgive him for everything.
There is a moderate to high chance that he does not deserve any forgiveness.
But forgiving is what I was raised to do - and I have basically five years experience applying that to his behaviour already.
How am I even still alive, I human so poorly.
But at least today my first thought on waking wasn't to be disappointed that I was alive, a dream had left weird noise that it took me far too long to work out were very definitely not memories. I was too busy being horrified by the thought of a terrible mistake that I have very definitely not actually made. But for a number of seconds there was truly worried I had.
Thursday, 26 September 2019
Telling people to die in a fire
Last night I got snowed on on the way to a friends for dinner. Just the five or so metres from the car to the house had enough snow on me to be worth posting a picture of it to Facebook.
And a perfectly grown-up dinner had been cooked for me.
Three proper meals in a day, and a cheese roll at a cafe. I am like a person.
A person who very much enjoyed standing in front of a fireplace on a cold night and being around other people.
I came home and had another night failing to sleep.
And in a follow-up to yesterdays stupidity I exchanged more texts with Shitlord. I asked him to die in a fire, and he just apologised and claimed he wished he could take away the pain he cause me.
He is acting like a human, which really, really doesn't help.
When he acts decent is so much easier to believe that all his dick behaviour was somehow accidental.
But if his power games and manipulation were accidental - I don't know that that is an improvement. If the super dickish parts of the relationship were on purpose then he was an arsehole choosing to be an arsehole.
But if he did those things without realising it: maybe it means he is just so damaged it is the only way he knows how to interact and with some help can fix his behaviours; but maybe it means he is just dangerous for me to be around as he will do the same or worse again without awareness.
And I may never know which is which.
If I am sensible I will cut him off entirely. But I love the arsehole too much to bring myself to do that yet. Maybe ever.
In other news, I have had sensible meals at both appropriate times so far today and finally opened the bag of bonbons I bought myself over two weeks ago. My favourite sweets which have been sitting on my desk untouched for a surprisingly long time. I have now devoured them, like a regular me thing to do.
And a perfectly grown-up dinner had been cooked for me.
Three proper meals in a day, and a cheese roll at a cafe. I am like a person.
A person who very much enjoyed standing in front of a fireplace on a cold night and being around other people.
I came home and had another night failing to sleep.
And in a follow-up to yesterdays stupidity I exchanged more texts with Shitlord. I asked him to die in a fire, and he just apologised and claimed he wished he could take away the pain he cause me.
He is acting like a human, which really, really doesn't help.
When he acts decent is so much easier to believe that all his dick behaviour was somehow accidental.
But if his power games and manipulation were accidental - I don't know that that is an improvement. If the super dickish parts of the relationship were on purpose then he was an arsehole choosing to be an arsehole.
But if he did those things without realising it: maybe it means he is just so damaged it is the only way he knows how to interact and with some help can fix his behaviours; but maybe it means he is just dangerous for me to be around as he will do the same or worse again without awareness.
And I may never know which is which.
If I am sensible I will cut him off entirely. But I love the arsehole too much to bring myself to do that yet. Maybe ever.
In other news, I have had sensible meals at both appropriate times so far today and finally opened the bag of bonbons I bought myself over two weeks ago. My favourite sweets which have been sitting on my desk untouched for a surprisingly long time. I have now devoured them, like a regular me thing to do.
Wednesday, 25 September 2019
Stupidity
I am not sure what happened to my morning after giving up and submitting my assignment without editing. Suddenly, I was running late for class.
I got there in time. And remember almost noting of the class. My brain is just not braining today.
I also texted Shitlord. Rather a lot. A lot a lot. Because I am a giant moron.
He sent back vague apologies and by saying everything was his fault.
But he sensibly avoids any answers to things that might be disprovable, or anything that would actually inform me about what actually happened in any way.
I want to believe that he is trying to spare my feelings - as much as that is far too late. But the nagging thought is just that he wants to keep me vaguely compliant and not informed enough to know if I am being gamed again.
Midget took me out to a cafe this afternoon. I vented a lot and she encouraged me to delete Shitlord from my phone and sever all contact. I probably should, but I just can't bring myself to do it.
I got there in time. And remember almost noting of the class. My brain is just not braining today.
I also texted Shitlord. Rather a lot. A lot a lot. Because I am a giant moron.
He sent back vague apologies and by saying everything was his fault.
But he sensibly avoids any answers to things that might be disprovable, or anything that would actually inform me about what actually happened in any way.
I want to believe that he is trying to spare my feelings - as much as that is far too late. But the nagging thought is just that he wants to keep me vaguely compliant and not informed enough to know if I am being gamed again.
Midget took me out to a cafe this afternoon. I vented a lot and she encouraged me to delete Shitlord from my phone and sever all contact. I probably should, but I just can't bring myself to do it.
Twas a fluke
Mindfulness techniques that seemed to work on Monday night did not work on my second go trying them.
Back to barely sleeping.
In better news, I got to the word count for my essay before bed last night. Which is very helpful as typing this is proving exceedingly difficult this morning, so typing my essay would be working even worse. I still need to edit, but currently I may be better off just not editing it at all.
And essay writing got me eating a bit of snack food. Not a lot and I did skip lunch otherwise, but enough to pretend I am back to normal like a normal person.
In worse and annoying news, my brain decided to have a bit of a meltdown during the night about how much it decided that it really misses Shitlord and just wants to be near him. Not useful thoughts to have to fight myself about.
I understand all the love feelings that I have are going to take a while to ease off, but it isn't like the person I love was ever actually there - he was all just a lie, some of it that Shitlord told me and some that I told myself.
[edit]
Can't make any sense of my essay, not enough to edit it. Submitting it as is on the assumption that my brain today is the one failing. Yesterday I was much better rested.
Back to barely sleeping.
In better news, I got to the word count for my essay before bed last night. Which is very helpful as typing this is proving exceedingly difficult this morning, so typing my essay would be working even worse. I still need to edit, but currently I may be better off just not editing it at all.
And essay writing got me eating a bit of snack food. Not a lot and I did skip lunch otherwise, but enough to pretend I am back to normal like a normal person.
In worse and annoying news, my brain decided to have a bit of a meltdown during the night about how much it decided that it really misses Shitlord and just wants to be near him. Not useful thoughts to have to fight myself about.
I understand all the love feelings that I have are going to take a while to ease off, but it isn't like the person I love was ever actually there - he was all just a lie, some of it that Shitlord told me and some that I told myself.
[edit]
Can't make any sense of my essay, not enough to edit it. Submitting it as is on the assumption that my brain today is the one failing. Yesterday I was much better rested.
Tuesday, 24 September 2019
Hiding
I managed a small amount of essay then realised it was time to was and go to the tutorial.
The tutorial was a giant waste of time. I would have been much better off using that time on the essay, especially once travel time is included.
On the walk home I though I saw Shitlord's flatmates car. I realised it was exactly the weekly schedule for the only dating thing we have really done the last year. The group hang was continuing as usual without me.
I hid in a shop, and then scurried off home. Crying, like a fucking moron.
Started crying again when a friend waved from his car as he went past.
And again, in front of my neighbours, when told one of the neighbours (whom I had barely ever interacted with) had died.
So much crying in front of people who I don't know near enough to cry in front of.
Still entirely not handling the violation of trust.
Two weeks ago now I was super angry that my shit boyfriend had gone off on another surprise holiday that he hadn't warned me about and would never really tell me about (yes, looking back, it was very obvious my relationship was always terrible).
Only hours later I would discover the one person I trusted most in the world had never been remotely worthy of that trust.
That I could no longer believe that I knew anything about the person in the world who had had the most access to all of my truths and secrets.
I had been so open and emotionally vulnerable for so long with someone who turned out to be a stranger who had merely been acting a character who loved me.
I still can't understand any of it.
And everything hurts so much.
I think I need to be friends with him, just to find out who it was who I had given everything that made me me.
I should go try to do this essay.
The tutorial was a giant waste of time. I would have been much better off using that time on the essay, especially once travel time is included.
On the walk home I though I saw Shitlord's flatmates car. I realised it was exactly the weekly schedule for the only dating thing we have really done the last year. The group hang was continuing as usual without me.
I hid in a shop, and then scurried off home. Crying, like a fucking moron.
Started crying again when a friend waved from his car as he went past.
And again, in front of my neighbours, when told one of the neighbours (whom I had barely ever interacted with) had died.
So much crying in front of people who I don't know near enough to cry in front of.
Still entirely not handling the violation of trust.
Two weeks ago now I was super angry that my shit boyfriend had gone off on another surprise holiday that he hadn't warned me about and would never really tell me about (yes, looking back, it was very obvious my relationship was always terrible).
Only hours later I would discover the one person I trusted most in the world had never been remotely worthy of that trust.
That I could no longer believe that I knew anything about the person in the world who had had the most access to all of my truths and secrets.
I had been so open and emotionally vulnerable for so long with someone who turned out to be a stranger who had merely been acting a character who loved me.
I still can't understand any of it.
And everything hurts so much.
I think I need to be friends with him, just to find out who it was who I had given everything that made me me.
I should go try to do this essay.
Essays unwritten
I managed more sleep than I have, embarrassingly, by actually applying the mindfulness thing people have been suggesting all along.
The counsellor I saw yesterday explained it in a way that was more useful. Between rounds of my spiralling as I defended Shitlord to him.... But his advice seemed to help it work. I didn't sleep well and awoke a lot of times. But I got back to sleep much better than I have previously. Thus allowing for it probably being the night I have awoken the most times in many years - awaking requires have slept first and all. Waking up so many times is also so many extra occasions to be disappointed by the life I awake into.
I described Shitlord simply as my ex to someone this morning - this induced instant waves of nausea.
I thought I was past such simple things making me sick. Appears not.
Am skipping my regular trip to the pool to try and get some of the essay done.
Mostly am just crying again because I am a failure of a human.
And write from when I started writing in this blog again it has been pretty clear that enough of me knew my relationship was toxic that I should have been disengaging. But I didn't. He kept making promises and I kept believing them, even after three Christmasses where I spent the evening crying alone after he stood me up (after much postponing about when he was arriving so that I didn't make other plans).
Looking at things from this bare approximation of the outside, I still can't understand why I fell for his crap for so long.
The counsellor I saw yesterday explained it in a way that was more useful. Between rounds of my spiralling as I defended Shitlord to him.... But his advice seemed to help it work. I didn't sleep well and awoke a lot of times. But I got back to sleep much better than I have previously. Thus allowing for it probably being the night I have awoken the most times in many years - awaking requires have slept first and all. Waking up so many times is also so many extra occasions to be disappointed by the life I awake into.
I described Shitlord simply as my ex to someone this morning - this induced instant waves of nausea.
I thought I was past such simple things making me sick. Appears not.
Am skipping my regular trip to the pool to try and get some of the essay done.
Mostly am just crying again because I am a failure of a human.
And write from when I started writing in this blog again it has been pretty clear that enough of me knew my relationship was toxic that I should have been disengaging. But I didn't. He kept making promises and I kept believing them, even after three Christmasses where I spent the evening crying alone after he stood me up (after much postponing about when he was arriving so that I didn't make other plans).
Looking at things from this bare approximation of the outside, I still can't understand why I fell for his crap for so long.
Monday, 23 September 2019
Limerence
I really should be working on my essay but my brain can't focus.
Somehow I ended up reading something about limerence and self diagnosed. Then read a bit more and realised it doesn't fit that well after all.
I was coming at the hope from the wrong direction. And I didn't really have intrusive fantasies. My imagining how things could be better was entirely in the normal range. Really, all I have the made it sound right was loneliness and a constant fear of rejection from someone I had been with for years.
The counselling seemed to be going so well, and before the same day is even over I am once again trying to prove to myself that it is all my fault. Trying to prove that Shitlord was somehow just a bystander to me torturing myself for years.
Why do I keep back-pedalling?
Stupid brain chemistry keeping me all in love with someone who was never very good to me.
Somehow I ended up reading something about limerence and self diagnosed. Then read a bit more and realised it doesn't fit that well after all.
I was coming at the hope from the wrong direction. And I didn't really have intrusive fantasies. My imagining how things could be better was entirely in the normal range. Really, all I have the made it sound right was loneliness and a constant fear of rejection from someone I had been with for years.
The counselling seemed to be going so well, and before the same day is even over I am once again trying to prove to myself that it is all my fault. Trying to prove that Shitlord was somehow just a bystander to me torturing myself for years.
Why do I keep back-pedalling?
Stupid brain chemistry keeping me all in love with someone who was never very good to me.
Because of course
I spent a while working on my essay before class. My reading comprehension after all the not sleeping is basically nothing. I really should have taken that medical certificate.
Then class, where again I took in basically nothing. It might have been a class on Crete, unless I am conflating it with a story I was told at lunch.
I had a very nice lunch with Greer after class. I think I whinged a lot about everything. Because that is mostly what I do. Details are vague, later events scrabbled everything.
I went to the doctor for forms, came away with a script that I don't remember what it is for. Got the script filled and was coming home.
Then, because of course, I run into Shitlord at an intersection. I started crying the moment eye contact was made. His flatmate was a hero and made me turn around showed me the new Pokemon Go pokemon he had caught, and talked about the game long enough for me to sort of pull together. While Shitlord asked after me like an acquaintance not seen in a while.
So many years of wishing we bumped in to each other in this tiny city and somehow mostly never doing it, so of course it happens within days of no longer wanting it to happen.
Then class, where again I took in basically nothing. It might have been a class on Crete, unless I am conflating it with a story I was told at lunch.
I had a very nice lunch with Greer after class. I think I whinged a lot about everything. Because that is mostly what I do. Details are vague, later events scrabbled everything.
I went to the doctor for forms, came away with a script that I don't remember what it is for. Got the script filled and was coming home.
Then, because of course, I run into Shitlord at an intersection. I started crying the moment eye contact was made. His flatmate was a hero and made me turn around showed me the new Pokemon Go pokemon he had caught, and talked about the game long enough for me to sort of pull together. While Shitlord asked after me like an acquaintance not seen in a while.
So many years of wishing we bumped in to each other in this tiny city and somehow mostly never doing it, so of course it happens within days of no longer wanting it to happen.
Counselling
Did not really sleep again. I think I was anxious about counselling and how a profession would judge me for being a trusting moron.
And I still spend a lot of the night trying to find ways that Shitlord is somehow still a good person.
So helpful, brain.
Got up and had showered before my early alarm even went off. So pottered at home a bit before heading to the appointment.
I got there more than 20 minutes early, so a bunch of awkward waiting with the other sad people.
Session went pretty well. The guys accent forces me to pay attention or I lose what he is saying entirely. But we talked. I tried to explain the relationship I was in and had another professional suggest it was indeed abusive. Which is a mixed blessing.
Makes my confidence that it wasn't all the more frustrating.
I need to be better at listening to my friends. Much better at it.
Counsellor gave me the homework of trying to make sure I eat and sleep, sensible amounts at sensible times. And pamphlets of ways to stop unhelpful thinking.
And questioned what I would do with overly bleak thoughts.
I cried too much, and the session went rather over time because of it.
Now I have to work on my essay, as I rejected the counsellor's offer of a medical certificate to get an extension. I am not going to my lecturer and asking "can I please have an extension because I am sad".
And I still spend a lot of the night trying to find ways that Shitlord is somehow still a good person.
So helpful, brain.
Got up and had showered before my early alarm even went off. So pottered at home a bit before heading to the appointment.
I got there more than 20 minutes early, so a bunch of awkward waiting with the other sad people.
Session went pretty well. The guys accent forces me to pay attention or I lose what he is saying entirely. But we talked. I tried to explain the relationship I was in and had another professional suggest it was indeed abusive. Which is a mixed blessing.
Makes my confidence that it wasn't all the more frustrating.
I need to be better at listening to my friends. Much better at it.
Counsellor gave me the homework of trying to make sure I eat and sleep, sensible amounts at sensible times. And pamphlets of ways to stop unhelpful thinking.
And questioned what I would do with overly bleak thoughts.
I cried too much, and the session went rather over time because of it.
Now I have to work on my essay, as I rejected the counsellor's offer of a medical certificate to get an extension. I am not going to my lecturer and asking "can I please have an extension because I am sad".
Sunday, 22 September 2019
Siblings
I spent the morning failing to start my essay and chatting to some supportive friends who are being very tolerant about how miserable and one-track my conversation has been.
Lunchtime I had to go meet my family, so I walked to my grandmother's rest home to meet people there.
She is starting to seem settled, which is nice. Though it is painful to see how fast she seems to be losing basic recollection. Quite a bit of her asking a question, responding to the answer and then thirty seconds later looping the exact same again. I told her about the last couple of weeks and the failure of the closest I have got to an adult relationship. Her response was to tell me I had always been far to trusting, even compared to other little kids. By the time other people had arrived I am pretty sure she had forgotten the conversation ever happened.
Anyway, family gathered and went to Nichol's Garden Centre cafe for a birthday lunch for my trans-sister.
I ate a whole french toast cafe meal. I even, eventually, got through the slice of lolly cake that I had had added to my order because my mother thought I needed it. Totally eating like a normal person, only about 25% wanted to throw it all up. Colour me recovered.....
Also, wow. The cafe was so full of homo couples with dogs.
After the cafe, and returning my grandmother to her rest home, we went to her mostly cleared out house to get more boxes. My trans-sister finally picked up on the fact that Shitlord and I had parted ways. This lead to being told that without him in my life I have nothing to live for and should just go die. The implication was very much instructions to go kill myself.
Considering this came from someone who considers eye rolling to be an act of violence, I feel little to no urge to be forgiving and it.
And then reminding me that if I am so stupid that I didn't realise I was being cheated on for much of four years then I deserved to have it happen. Because that is something I needed rubbed in.
Since I got home I have mostly just had a bit of a cry, and watched a bit of TV.
I had a can of soup for dinner.
I am a broken person, but hopefully becoming less broken with time.
Lunchtime I had to go meet my family, so I walked to my grandmother's rest home to meet people there.
She is starting to seem settled, which is nice. Though it is painful to see how fast she seems to be losing basic recollection. Quite a bit of her asking a question, responding to the answer and then thirty seconds later looping the exact same again. I told her about the last couple of weeks and the failure of the closest I have got to an adult relationship. Her response was to tell me I had always been far to trusting, even compared to other little kids. By the time other people had arrived I am pretty sure she had forgotten the conversation ever happened.
Anyway, family gathered and went to Nichol's Garden Centre cafe for a birthday lunch for my trans-sister.
I ate a whole french toast cafe meal. I even, eventually, got through the slice of lolly cake that I had had added to my order because my mother thought I needed it. Totally eating like a normal person, only about 25% wanted to throw it all up. Colour me recovered.....
Also, wow. The cafe was so full of homo couples with dogs.
After the cafe, and returning my grandmother to her rest home, we went to her mostly cleared out house to get more boxes. My trans-sister finally picked up on the fact that Shitlord and I had parted ways. This lead to being told that without him in my life I have nothing to live for and should just go die. The implication was very much instructions to go kill myself.
Considering this came from someone who considers eye rolling to be an act of violence, I feel little to no urge to be forgiving and it.
And then reminding me that if I am so stupid that I didn't realise I was being cheated on for much of four years then I deserved to have it happen. Because that is something I needed rubbed in.
Since I got home I have mostly just had a bit of a cry, and watched a bit of TV.
I had a can of soup for dinner.
I am a broken person, but hopefully becoming less broken with time.
Six hours
Last night, as I was finishing up watching the train-wreck that is Netflix's The I-Land (which people should definitely not watch) , I ordered myself some deliveryeasy dinner as I didn't trust myself to actually eat otherwise. And so I have a vaguely normal sized dinner.
Step by step getting back to whatever vaguely normal is for me.
Then caught up on some shows, sulked in a few messenger conversation with friends and generally was unproductive.
My plan for yesterday was to de-stress a bit about life by playing computer games. I never even managed to open one up. Just another day blown being mostly too sad to do anything much else.
For the first time in almost two weeks, I managed six hours sleep.
Eating and sleeping. Two things that I should be able to take for granted. Admittedly, sleep has never entirely been my friend. But I could pretty much always rely on eating.
Now just to get them back to usual.
I have to find out what my normal is.
Sure the last couple of weeks are clearly a miserable anomaly of awful situation awfulness.
But the time before that wasn't good either.
I have been very sad for a very long time. I even knew it was my relationship causing it. I just didn't know how or why.
My trust has been violated so hard.
I am kind of worried that I am doomed to die alone because I don't know that I will ever be able to trust again.
Why did I give so much of my trust to someone who, in hindsight, was so clearly misusing it from pretty near the start?
Step by step getting back to whatever vaguely normal is for me.
Then caught up on some shows, sulked in a few messenger conversation with friends and generally was unproductive.
My plan for yesterday was to de-stress a bit about life by playing computer games. I never even managed to open one up. Just another day blown being mostly too sad to do anything much else.
For the first time in almost two weeks, I managed six hours sleep.
Eating and sleeping. Two things that I should be able to take for granted. Admittedly, sleep has never entirely been my friend. But I could pretty much always rely on eating.
Now just to get them back to usual.
I have to find out what my normal is.
Sure the last couple of weeks are clearly a miserable anomaly of awful situation awfulness.
But the time before that wasn't good either.
I have been very sad for a very long time. I even knew it was my relationship causing it. I just didn't know how or why.
My trust has been violated so hard.
I am kind of worried that I am doomed to die alone because I don't know that I will ever be able to trust again.
Why did I give so much of my trust to someone who, in hindsight, was so clearly misusing it from pretty near the start?
Saturday, 21 September 2019
Victory
A couple of hours after a lunch of two slices of buttered toast, I managed to eat a biscuit.
This is far too much like a victory.
I realise the not eating thing has been an issue of less than two weeks, but those days have seemed to stretch infinitely.
I deeply regret the biscuit. But I ate it.
This is far too much like a victory.
I realise the not eating thing has been an issue of less than two weeks, but those days have seemed to stretch infinitely.
I deeply regret the biscuit. But I ate it.
Survived the night.
Yesterday morning Oli came around and chatted for a few hours. It was a very good distraction from how much I am failing to deal with stuff. We chatted until mad afternoon, the I washed and got ready and went for a walk on the beach with Midget.
Talking to Midget led to another round of the "dude, your relationship was toxic and why didn't you talk to anyone about that arsehole-ish stuff" that a lot of people have given me now.
There is a bit of a consensus that I was concealing from my friends how bad things were. And I think she was a bit frustrated by how well she had got along with Shitlord when she met him.
I cried a bit because that is pretty much what I do these days. I am pretty embarrassing to be right now.
Then was late to home and Firmin was far too patiently sitting in his car waiting to make sure I had dinner and then take me to roleplaying. The usual Wednesday game had become a slightly longer Friday game so the GM could wrap up the story.
After playing the same character since June 2016 it is pretty sad to be saying goodbye to Gusil. In the decade-ish since old friend got me into actually roleplaying, this is by far the character I have put the most into. Not just time, maybe even some affection. Being in a bad way with my relationship may have made me slightly more emotionally invested in this game over the years than I should have been.
I cried a bit more on Firmin on the way home. He has to put up with a lot from me. i am very lucky for the friends I have.
This morning I woke up feeling very sad. While I watched Disenchanted to try and distract me from it, it means I just cried through my watching of the entire second season.
I also tried chatting to a perfectly nice stranger from too far away to be any kind of threat on a dating app. It was pleasant, but made things very clear I am not ready to be meeting new people.
I find myself wishing I had kept blogging over the last decade.
Why did I stop blogging when my memory got highly unreliable.
And I have to wonder if I had been blogging I might have been more analytical in my thinking about my relationship. I would not only have a better notion of when it went wrong if I had recorded how it felt like it was going at the time.
But simply having a better record of when it turned unpleasant would be useful. Maybe.
I am doing much worse at cutting Shitlord out of my life than I would like. I still default to him being the first person I want to tell stuff to.
I am becoming more certain that he is not redeemable enough to be friends with, but I still really want him to be. He has been so bad to me for so long, but I still really wish I could find a way to keep him in my life.
I have never stopped caring for someone I have cared about. There are friends (I guess technically former friends) that I haven't had any contact with in almost 20 years about whom I still find myself worrying if they are well or happy.
I don't know how to intentionally cut someone out.
I blocked the new guy so that I can't see anything of their life together even if I wanted to. And also so I can never be tempted to read or reply to his attempts to contact me again.
I may not yet be able to cut Shitlord from my life, but I can cut out the guy he spent four years two-timing me with. Not that it counts, considering he is a stranger. A stranger I wish I had known about four years ago.
Before Shitlord wasted a quarter of my adult life and left me a twisted knot of self-hate.
Talking to Midget led to another round of the "dude, your relationship was toxic and why didn't you talk to anyone about that arsehole-ish stuff" that a lot of people have given me now.
There is a bit of a consensus that I was concealing from my friends how bad things were. And I think she was a bit frustrated by how well she had got along with Shitlord when she met him.
I cried a bit because that is pretty much what I do these days. I am pretty embarrassing to be right now.
Then was late to home and Firmin was far too patiently sitting in his car waiting to make sure I had dinner and then take me to roleplaying. The usual Wednesday game had become a slightly longer Friday game so the GM could wrap up the story.
After playing the same character since June 2016 it is pretty sad to be saying goodbye to Gusil. In the decade-ish since old friend got me into actually roleplaying, this is by far the character I have put the most into. Not just time, maybe even some affection. Being in a bad way with my relationship may have made me slightly more emotionally invested in this game over the years than I should have been.
I cried a bit more on Firmin on the way home. He has to put up with a lot from me. i am very lucky for the friends I have.
This morning I woke up feeling very sad. While I watched Disenchanted to try and distract me from it, it means I just cried through my watching of the entire second season.
I also tried chatting to a perfectly nice stranger from too far away to be any kind of threat on a dating app. It was pleasant, but made things very clear I am not ready to be meeting new people.
I find myself wishing I had kept blogging over the last decade.
Why did I stop blogging when my memory got highly unreliable.
And I have to wonder if I had been blogging I might have been more analytical in my thinking about my relationship. I would not only have a better notion of when it went wrong if I had recorded how it felt like it was going at the time.
But simply having a better record of when it turned unpleasant would be useful. Maybe.
I am doing much worse at cutting Shitlord out of my life than I would like. I still default to him being the first person I want to tell stuff to.
I am becoming more certain that he is not redeemable enough to be friends with, but I still really want him to be. He has been so bad to me for so long, but I still really wish I could find a way to keep him in my life.
I have never stopped caring for someone I have cared about. There are friends (I guess technically former friends) that I haven't had any contact with in almost 20 years about whom I still find myself worrying if they are well or happy.
I don't know how to intentionally cut someone out.
I blocked the new guy so that I can't see anything of their life together even if I wanted to. And also so I can never be tempted to read or reply to his attempts to contact me again.
I may not yet be able to cut Shitlord from my life, but I can cut out the guy he spent four years two-timing me with. Not that it counts, considering he is a stranger. A stranger I wish I had known about four years ago.
Before Shitlord wasted a quarter of my adult life and left me a twisted knot of self-hate.
Friday, 20 September 2019
Thoughts are hard
Blogging now because I just learnt the hard way that muting a text conversation on my phone does not mute it on my tablet.
I thought I was safe from seeing Shitlord messages until I actually built up to look, and then there was an apology and an explanation that I may think I was being manipulated but that was never happening and he never meant to hurt me.
I feel a lot like I am being manipulated into thinking there was no manipulation.
I have mentioned to a couple of people, and maybe on here before, how much Shitlord is my parents. My dad's evasive, shadiness and emotional withholding, and my mother's gift for weaving ingratiating lies and seeming to genuinely always believe them when she tells them. He is so much my parents that I should have seen what was happening. But really it just explains why I so easily normalised all of his shitlordery over the many years. Why I trusted good intentions from someone who does not seem to have had such. It is how I was raised to respond to being treated that way. It was normal...
Also, fuck. First time I fully fall for someone as an adult and it is an evil hybrid of my parents worst traits. Someone want to call Freud on me....
Maybe I am being unfair and projecting.
But his dick moves are too much like things my parents would do. Things my mother would do and then describe, if questioned, as a sign of moral virtue.
Anyway...
I had porridge for dinner last night. I still wasn't doing great at eating even before things got even less pleasant. Then Simon and Joe rescued me from myself and I spent the evening watching them potter about their house. I discovered Facebook's ignore function to block messages from Shitlord's 'new'/other/actual guy, because no good can come from that - but still lets me see how many were sent and when the most recent one was (I guess it would let me read them, but that will never be an issue - I get my selfharm with messages from Shitlord himself). It appears he has been messaging at my silence through a bunch of the night.
And then I muted Shitlord himself. I can't bring myself to block him yet. Can't bring myself to actually prune him from my life. Not yet.
I still have so much love. He never deserved it but I am not sure I can stop having it for him. At least I can learn not to give it to him. If it is so useless for me, then it shouldn't benefit anyone......
And I had a good rant at Simon while he did some housework. He explained that he has known for a long time (a couple of decades) how easily manipulated I am, and has worried about it.
He gave me little chocolates and a biscuit in case I needed them over night (I brought them home and they are now with the similar he gave me last week - I have yet to manage to eat sugary goodness)
He is good people.
Joe is probably alright too. He and I have never got along well enough for me to really be able to judge. But he seemed happy enough for me to stay over, again.
I got almost five hours sleep. Which is much better than I have been managing for most of the last while. Gads, it all only blew up ten days ago. It feels like it has been going far longer.
Ten days ago I just assumed my unhealthy relationship may eventually drive me to kill myself, but at least I was weirdly certain he kind-of-loved me and was trying as hard as he was capable of to make it work (which was basically zero).
Now I want four to five years of my life back.
I thought I was safe from seeing Shitlord messages until I actually built up to look, and then there was an apology and an explanation that I may think I was being manipulated but that was never happening and he never meant to hurt me.
I feel a lot like I am being manipulated into thinking there was no manipulation.
I have mentioned to a couple of people, and maybe on here before, how much Shitlord is my parents. My dad's evasive, shadiness and emotional withholding, and my mother's gift for weaving ingratiating lies and seeming to genuinely always believe them when she tells them. He is so much my parents that I should have seen what was happening. But really it just explains why I so easily normalised all of his shitlordery over the many years. Why I trusted good intentions from someone who does not seem to have had such. It is how I was raised to respond to being treated that way. It was normal...
Also, fuck. First time I fully fall for someone as an adult and it is an evil hybrid of my parents worst traits. Someone want to call Freud on me....
Maybe I am being unfair and projecting.
But his dick moves are too much like things my parents would do. Things my mother would do and then describe, if questioned, as a sign of moral virtue.
Anyway...
I had porridge for dinner last night. I still wasn't doing great at eating even before things got even less pleasant. Then Simon and Joe rescued me from myself and I spent the evening watching them potter about their house. I discovered Facebook's ignore function to block messages from Shitlord's 'new'/other/actual guy, because no good can come from that - but still lets me see how many were sent and when the most recent one was (I guess it would let me read them, but that will never be an issue - I get my selfharm with messages from Shitlord himself). It appears he has been messaging at my silence through a bunch of the night.
And then I muted Shitlord himself. I can't bring myself to block him yet. Can't bring myself to actually prune him from my life. Not yet.
I still have so much love. He never deserved it but I am not sure I can stop having it for him. At least I can learn not to give it to him. If it is so useless for me, then it shouldn't benefit anyone......
And I had a good rant at Simon while he did some housework. He explained that he has known for a long time (a couple of decades) how easily manipulated I am, and has worried about it.
He gave me little chocolates and a biscuit in case I needed them over night (I brought them home and they are now with the similar he gave me last week - I have yet to manage to eat sugary goodness)
He is good people.
Joe is probably alright too. He and I have never got along well enough for me to really be able to judge. But he seemed happy enough for me to stay over, again.
I got almost five hours sleep. Which is much better than I have been managing for most of the last while. Gads, it all only blew up ten days ago. It feels like it has been going far longer.
Ten days ago I just assumed my unhealthy relationship may eventually drive me to kill myself, but at least I was weirdly certain he kind-of-loved me and was trying as hard as he was capable of to make it work (which was basically zero).
Now I want four to five years of my life back.
Thursday, 19 September 2019
He is the second worst. The worst will be even more appealing and even more unavailable
So. So much has happened today.
It is like Tuesday of last week but with more finality.
Shitlord came around this morning as predicted, he had taken my anger but lack of actual refusal as consent (which is a thing....). Fortunately Tina arrived at basically the same time and scolded him while I did his forms.
Just after I bumped into his flatmates in town, who were pretty clear that they thought I should not even give him my friendship.
Then lunch with Oli, and some general pottering around.
Just before six I stupidly messaged the new guy - well, replied to his message, to apologise to writing off said message before I deleted him.
He felt the need to talk, a lot. So much. He just wouldn't stop even when I asked him to.
Telling his side of things and making it clear I have been second fiddle to something that was actually running the whole time. Basically 4 of the 5 years I have been with Shitlord I have been being two-timed. But the other guy got FAR more effort put in.
Also, that it all started about the same time the Shitlord started dropping L-bombs. Meaning it has all been lies. All of it, except maybe the few months at the start.
And it is making that pathological narcissist thing seem slightly more likely.
I think the new guy may have been playing me for information as once I was too worked up to understand anything he started pushing the personal questions, some involving conversations I only had with Shitlord in the last couple of days.
Anyway, my ride is arriving. Off to be babysat. I don't trust myself to be alone.
It is like Tuesday of last week but with more finality.
Shitlord came around this morning as predicted, he had taken my anger but lack of actual refusal as consent (which is a thing....). Fortunately Tina arrived at basically the same time and scolded him while I did his forms.
Just after I bumped into his flatmates in town, who were pretty clear that they thought I should not even give him my friendship.
Then lunch with Oli, and some general pottering around.
Just before six I stupidly messaged the new guy - well, replied to his message, to apologise to writing off said message before I deleted him.
He felt the need to talk, a lot. So much. He just wouldn't stop even when I asked him to.
Telling his side of things and making it clear I have been second fiddle to something that was actually running the whole time. Basically 4 of the 5 years I have been with Shitlord I have been being two-timed. But the other guy got FAR more effort put in.
Also, that it all started about the same time the Shitlord started dropping L-bombs. Meaning it has all been lies. All of it, except maybe the few months at the start.
And it is making that pathological narcissist thing seem slightly more likely.
I think the new guy may have been playing me for information as once I was too worked up to understand anything he started pushing the personal questions, some involving conversations I only had with Shitlord in the last couple of days.
Anyway, my ride is arriving. Off to be babysat. I don't trust myself to be alone.
Sleep is for the weak, but my weakness isn't helping find sleep
Last night, just as a friend* had talked me entirely out of the spiral, Shitlord texted me to ask if he could come around in the morning and have me witness his passport application. I had agree to do so back when that still made actual sense, and somehow to him it still did.
I lost my shit at him and them spent the rest of the evening violently shaking and crying.
I got to bed and may have even been asleep slightly before midnight.
I was then very awake at not much past 3am, having realised that while I had lost my shit I hadn't explicitly said no to him about it. I mean, the going off should make it clear, but the fact he thought it was still fine in the first place suggests problems with the personal logic.
I dozed on and off, but don't think I got any more actual sleep. Just a lot of running through stuff and blaming my own stupidity for years of believing someone that I should not have.
Just after 7am I texted 1737.
At first it was a bot - it may still be a bot, but now it seems like a person following a script and who doesn't really care what I say.
I am not uncertain any good will come of it, but I am not handling things as they are. And, while my counselling start proper only next week, that is not today.
*The friend who talked me out of the spiral is someone I had been text flirting with for a few weeks before I first met Shitlord, and who I told him about pretty much immediately (first date with Shitlord went so well - the first couple of months went generally great, but once things started to get less great they never recovered to that level (how the fuck did I spend so long in something so doomed?)) and have had a text chat friendship ever since. We have never actually met.
[Edit 10am]
I spent almost three hours in painfully slow text chat to 1737. There was a lot of "your feelings are valid" but not a lot else. I guess the counsellors have a lot of clients on the go at once.
Can't tell if it was useful or not.
I lost my shit at him and them spent the rest of the evening violently shaking and crying.
I got to bed and may have even been asleep slightly before midnight.
I was then very awake at not much past 3am, having realised that while I had lost my shit I hadn't explicitly said no to him about it. I mean, the going off should make it clear, but the fact he thought it was still fine in the first place suggests problems with the personal logic.
I dozed on and off, but don't think I got any more actual sleep. Just a lot of running through stuff and blaming my own stupidity for years of believing someone that I should not have.
Just after 7am I texted 1737.
At first it was a bot - it may still be a bot, but now it seems like a person following a script and who doesn't really care what I say.
I am not uncertain any good will come of it, but I am not handling things as they are. And, while my counselling start proper only next week, that is not today.
*The friend who talked me out of the spiral is someone I had been text flirting with for a few weeks before I first met Shitlord, and who I told him about pretty much immediately (first date with Shitlord went so well - the first couple of months went generally great, but once things started to get less great they never recovered to that level (how the fuck did I spend so long in something so doomed?)) and have had a text chat friendship ever since. We have never actually met.
[Edit 10am]
I spent almost three hours in painfully slow text chat to 1737. There was a lot of "your feelings are valid" but not a lot else. I guess the counsellors have a lot of clients on the go at once.
Can't tell if it was useful or not.
Wednesday, 18 September 2019
Spiralling
I make terrible choices that possibly count as psychological self-harm.
Having an attack of too many emotions I though I should get me and Shitlord's text conversation history into a searchable format.
Thus discovering pointless things like that fact he said he loved the idea of me watching him grow old a year and nine days before the first time he said that he loved me (after I had in person the day before - after we saw The 5th Wave (about 15 months into the relationship - he recently told me off for having said it too soon, I really hope that was projecting about the other guy)).
And the text logs from the early part of our relationship were so different from later years. For the first few months he was genuinely awesome, and then slowly started to get less good.
From the talk and the occasional flash of guilt before nudging the conversation away he hooked up with other people occasionally from pretty early on - though says it was only a handful over the whole time. And he promises both times he crossed into something more relationship like with someone else it was the same guy, though the first time requiring flying to Brisbane for it and concealing the trips from me.
He is such an arsehole.
Why am I trying to examine a relationship with someone who is just a terrible human.
By the time he first started saying he loved me we had already fallen into our pattern of me doing a lot of work and him mostly avoiding me. The text logs were already pretty one sided and he made big promises but was already showing little interest in spending time together or asking anything about me.
From the vague time period I was given the first time he said he loved me was pretty close to the first time he hooked up with his new guy.
I can't get these thoughts out of my head. My brain keeps finding more connections to hurt myself with.
I thought if I could logically deconstruct some of the noise in my head it would help.
I thought very, very wrongly.
I am being bad for me, and the spiral has led to texting so questions to Shitlord that if he answers will only hurt. And why did I do that.
I am not okay.
I should probably make myself eat dinner after boasting to everyone about how I am eating again - which is only semi-true.
Having an attack of too many emotions I though I should get me and Shitlord's text conversation history into a searchable format.
Thus discovering pointless things like that fact he said he loved the idea of me watching him grow old a year and nine days before the first time he said that he loved me (after I had in person the day before - after we saw The 5th Wave (about 15 months into the relationship - he recently told me off for having said it too soon, I really hope that was projecting about the other guy)).
And the text logs from the early part of our relationship were so different from later years. For the first few months he was genuinely awesome, and then slowly started to get less good.
From the talk and the occasional flash of guilt before nudging the conversation away he hooked up with other people occasionally from pretty early on - though says it was only a handful over the whole time. And he promises both times he crossed into something more relationship like with someone else it was the same guy, though the first time requiring flying to Brisbane for it and concealing the trips from me.
He is such an arsehole.
Why am I trying to examine a relationship with someone who is just a terrible human.
By the time he first started saying he loved me we had already fallen into our pattern of me doing a lot of work and him mostly avoiding me. The text logs were already pretty one sided and he made big promises but was already showing little interest in spending time together or asking anything about me.
From the vague time period I was given the first time he said he loved me was pretty close to the first time he hooked up with his new guy.
I can't get these thoughts out of my head. My brain keeps finding more connections to hurt myself with.
I thought if I could logically deconstruct some of the noise in my head it would help.
I thought very, very wrongly.
I am being bad for me, and the spiral has led to texting so questions to Shitlord that if he answers will only hurt. And why did I do that.
I am not okay.
I should probably make myself eat dinner after boasting to everyone about how I am eating again - which is only semi-true.
Nomenclature
The label the Semi-Imaginary One is both frustrating to type and ceased to be appropriate.
As I am probably going to try to be friends with him, and still have a fair bit of ranting to do about stuff that has already happened, I think it is time to move to another nickname, this one suggested by my friends some time ago and which I have only recently realised was more apt than I have given it credit for.
From now on, I intend to refer to him as Shitlord - until such a time as he proves worth of being called something nicer, or just by his actual name the way most people are.
Assuming that, when I properly talk to the counsellor about the relationship that was, I am not strongly advised against continued contact.
Class today was good at least. Crimes of Medea. Was kind of cool to see that the bit she is most famous for was a later alteration to her story. Also, was nice to see that Madeline Miller novel I read is now applicable to the course and seems to have matched pretty closely the course text.
On the walk home I spiralled a bit thinking about how much of my life I have spent smashing myself against the rocks of emotionally unavailable guys who maybe liked me for a while but then just didn't tell me to go away properly.
At least my early 20s were spent doing it to someone who was open about how we'd never be a thing. Shitlord kept lying so I would think things would be better if I kept trying.
Considering how much he was open about not explaining some things as he thought they would just hurt me, he said some really hurtful things he thought were fine. Saying he used to mean all the we will grow old together, I want to spend my life with you stuff he said and then never let develop was weirdly painful. And his refusal to say when it changed except in vague way that were confusing and possibly incompatible with each other.....
I was probably not ready. The anxiety is less now, but I am so much more confused about what I want. I so angry at myself for how quickly I forgave the power play making me sit around waiting.
I am about 54% confident that was accidental and just self-involved thoughtlessness, and not something he was even aware was happening.
But people suggesting that maybe he is a narcissist are making me more and more worried that I have fucked up in how much I assume the best of his general awfulness.
As I am probably going to try to be friends with him, and still have a fair bit of ranting to do about stuff that has already happened, I think it is time to move to another nickname, this one suggested by my friends some time ago and which I have only recently realised was more apt than I have given it credit for.
From now on, I intend to refer to him as Shitlord - until such a time as he proves worth of being called something nicer, or just by his actual name the way most people are.
Assuming that, when I properly talk to the counsellor about the relationship that was, I am not strongly advised against continued contact.
Class today was good at least. Crimes of Medea. Was kind of cool to see that the bit she is most famous for was a later alteration to her story. Also, was nice to see that Madeline Miller novel I read is now applicable to the course and seems to have matched pretty closely the course text.
On the walk home I spiralled a bit thinking about how much of my life I have spent smashing myself against the rocks of emotionally unavailable guys who maybe liked me for a while but then just didn't tell me to go away properly.
At least my early 20s were spent doing it to someone who was open about how we'd never be a thing. Shitlord kept lying so I would think things would be better if I kept trying.
Considering how much he was open about not explaining some things as he thought they would just hurt me, he said some really hurtful things he thought were fine. Saying he used to mean all the we will grow old together, I want to spend my life with you stuff he said and then never let develop was weirdly painful. And his refusal to say when it changed except in vague way that were confusing and possibly incompatible with each other.....
I was probably not ready. The anxiety is less now, but I am so much more confused about what I want. I so angry at myself for how quickly I forgave the power play making me sit around waiting.
I am about 54% confident that was accidental and just self-involved thoughtlessness, and not something he was even aware was happening.
But people suggesting that maybe he is a narcissist are making me more and more worried that I have fucked up in how much I assume the best of his general awfulness.
Balls
So I can eat again, but I still can’t really sleep.
Which is very irksome.
Much being kept awake wondering how much I got played, how much it is still lies, and if he is actually a psychopath or pathological narcissist as one of my friends was somewhat convincingly arguing.
Hopefully the night of stressing hasn’t back pedalled the being able to eat thing.
Oh, checking my morning messages I see an unrelated friend has also responded to my description of ‘the talk’ by warning it sounds like I found a textbook narcissist.
Am I describing how it went in a poor fashion, or is that a thing I really need to be legitimately worrying about.
Which is very irksome.
Much being kept awake wondering how much I got played, how much it is still lies, and if he is actually a psychopath or pathological narcissist as one of my friends was somewhat convincingly arguing.
Hopefully the night of stressing hasn’t back pedalled the being able to eat thing.
Oh, checking my morning messages I see an unrelated friend has also responded to my description of ‘the talk’ by warning it sounds like I found a textbook narcissist.
Am I describing how it went in a poor fashion, or is that a thing I really need to be legitimately worrying about.
Tuesday, 17 September 2019
I probably just got totally played...
The Semi-Imaginary one messaged four hours after the vague "today" and "your house" to add "later afternoon".
Two hours later, in what was clearly evening not afternoon. he arrived.
It started very awkward, my plans to let him explain and wait until after evaporate when he just stared blankly and sighed a bit. I went off, a bunch.
It got complicated. He really wants to be friends, I had come into it thinking I was getting some clarity before a clean break. He brought up how maybe in the distant future we could give things another go, and then later was adamant that I had brought it up. I am not sold on that part, I don't think I am that forgiving. But I think I have been won over to try friendship - though he has a lot of work to do to get that friendship. He has a lot of douchebaggery to make up for.
He came clean on a bunch of things (though not all, and he was open about that). Explained that, as I thought, both flings with the other guy were while he was dating me. The first had involved international travel that was hidden from me. So that was an extra level to the sting that I hadn't known about. Also, as I thought, I had not been intended to find out it had happened as he'd not yet decided if he wanted to end things with me. Which is douchey, but less douchey than wanting me to find out the way I did. The other guy apparently knew about me and posted the pictures partially because of it, also the message sent to me on the Semi-Imaginary One's birthday was a direct attempt to cause trouble.
So yay, someone pretty awful was chosen over me. At least I am still wanted as someone to settle for once the Semi-Imaginary One's looks have faded....
There is no denying that the Semi-Imaginary One is a arsehole. But at least he acknowledges that.
While end results were confusing and odd, I realised that some point while we were talking I had stopped feeling nauseated and chest-pain-y.
I do worry that he too perfectly said and did the things to make me want to forgive him.
He has played me so much before, but never this well. I don't think he can lie this well as, if he could, he has no excuse for how poorly he lied at other times over the years.
I find myself believing most of what he said. And so I shall be some amount of friends with him, for a while. And see how well he lives up to his words.
All up he was here about 2 hours. And he even acted like a human when I got overly emotional.
Then I ordered and ate a pizza (Hell pizza non-dairy saviour, about as healthy as a pizza gets). It was amazing to be able to eat again.
Time I should go see if I can now sleep.
Two hours later, in what was clearly evening not afternoon. he arrived.
It started very awkward, my plans to let him explain and wait until after evaporate when he just stared blankly and sighed a bit. I went off, a bunch.
It got complicated. He really wants to be friends, I had come into it thinking I was getting some clarity before a clean break. He brought up how maybe in the distant future we could give things another go, and then later was adamant that I had brought it up. I am not sold on that part, I don't think I am that forgiving. But I think I have been won over to try friendship - though he has a lot of work to do to get that friendship. He has a lot of douchebaggery to make up for.
He came clean on a bunch of things (though not all, and he was open about that). Explained that, as I thought, both flings with the other guy were while he was dating me. The first had involved international travel that was hidden from me. So that was an extra level to the sting that I hadn't known about. Also, as I thought, I had not been intended to find out it had happened as he'd not yet decided if he wanted to end things with me. Which is douchey, but less douchey than wanting me to find out the way I did. The other guy apparently knew about me and posted the pictures partially because of it, also the message sent to me on the Semi-Imaginary One's birthday was a direct attempt to cause trouble.
So yay, someone pretty awful was chosen over me. At least I am still wanted as someone to settle for once the Semi-Imaginary One's looks have faded....
There is no denying that the Semi-Imaginary One is a arsehole. But at least he acknowledges that.
While end results were confusing and odd, I realised that some point while we were talking I had stopped feeling nauseated and chest-pain-y.
I do worry that he too perfectly said and did the things to make me want to forgive him.
He has played me so much before, but never this well. I don't think he can lie this well as, if he could, he has no excuse for how poorly he lied at other times over the years.
I find myself believing most of what he said. And so I shall be some amount of friends with him, for a while. And see how well he lives up to his words.
All up he was here about 2 hours. And he even acted like a human when I got overly emotional.
Then I ordered and ate a pizza (Hell pizza non-dairy saviour, about as healthy as a pizza gets). It was amazing to be able to eat again.
Time I should go see if I can now sleep.
None so blind as those who will not see
Got up, had breakfast, went swimming. Ranted at Tina a LOT.
The more I try to explain bits of the relationship to people the more they get all 'why didn't people know this already?'
Apparently the fact that I have never felt I was allowed to ring him is something I should have spotted was unhealthy and also something other people should have known about. I have never rung his phone. He has called me a few times, but always when I was at something with his work friends and he wanted me to tell them he was late.
It is like how he and I never facetime'd in all the long periods where we didn't see each other for months at a time. We had discussed it as a thing quite near the start of our relationship, and I asked him a lot, but it never happened and I was somehow convinced that I wasn't allowed to make the call.
And I don't even know how it happened. I don't recall him ever saying that I couldn't ring. I just never felt I had permission.
Maybe it was a me-problem all along, and he had no idea.
But the days he strung me along, from pretty early in the relationship, with postponement after postponement until I had spent the whole day waiting for him before he cancelled or just went silent and didn't show up - they were not just me imagining rules.
Perhaps if I had been more headstrong and confident and taken less of his shit he might have had any sort of regard for me. But that is not how things played out.
Now I am sitting at home waiting, for the third day running. This time for "the talk".
As the worry about how it will go has kept me awake through most of every night, I asked if we could rip the bandaid off and get it done.
Stupidly I also suggested his place, so now it is happening at mine. I would much rather it wasn't. I wish he had taken home advantage so that I didn't have to have him in my house to do this thing. I mean, I would blow a full-on Genie wish for that.
But if I fight he will just draw it out more and more.
I want to believe he is a better person than to do that, but I lack evidence for it. Like how I really want to believe all this waiting he is making me do, and made me do all though knowing him, was just thoughtlessness and not enjoying the power he has over me. On this day where the plan is another vague 'today' and 'my house' and no further details day.
How did I get so broken?
I don't know which parts I can even blame on this somewhat abusive relationship and which breaks in me have been there from childhood.
The more I try to explain bits of the relationship to people the more they get all 'why didn't people know this already?'
Apparently the fact that I have never felt I was allowed to ring him is something I should have spotted was unhealthy and also something other people should have known about. I have never rung his phone. He has called me a few times, but always when I was at something with his work friends and he wanted me to tell them he was late.
It is like how he and I never facetime'd in all the long periods where we didn't see each other for months at a time. We had discussed it as a thing quite near the start of our relationship, and I asked him a lot, but it never happened and I was somehow convinced that I wasn't allowed to make the call.
And I don't even know how it happened. I don't recall him ever saying that I couldn't ring. I just never felt I had permission.
Maybe it was a me-problem all along, and he had no idea.
But the days he strung me along, from pretty early in the relationship, with postponement after postponement until I had spent the whole day waiting for him before he cancelled or just went silent and didn't show up - they were not just me imagining rules.
Perhaps if I had been more headstrong and confident and taken less of his shit he might have had any sort of regard for me. But that is not how things played out.
Now I am sitting at home waiting, for the third day running. This time for "the talk".
As the worry about how it will go has kept me awake through most of every night, I asked if we could rip the bandaid off and get it done.
Stupidly I also suggested his place, so now it is happening at mine. I would much rather it wasn't. I wish he had taken home advantage so that I didn't have to have him in my house to do this thing. I mean, I would blow a full-on Genie wish for that.
But if I fight he will just draw it out more and more.
I want to believe he is a better person than to do that, but I lack evidence for it. Like how I really want to believe all this waiting he is making me do, and made me do all though knowing him, was just thoughtlessness and not enjoying the power he has over me. On this day where the plan is another vague 'today' and 'my house' and no further details day.
How did I get so broken?
I don't know which parts I can even blame on this somewhat abusive relationship and which breaks in me have been there from childhood.
Sleepless
After waiting since 2pm, and even checking my mailbox just before ten when it first occurred to me that he might have snuck in and dropped them, he texted at 10.15pm to as he drove away to say he had done exactly that.
For some reason his being the one that got to choose if we saw each other really hurt.
Just as I was going to sleep he texted saying he really did want to talk. At first I was, like, 'great, I will get some answers and closure' but then I noticed him wording and how he had specified it was because he wanted the talk and realised it is going to be theatre of him trying to convince me, and maybe also himself, that he wasn't a bad dude.
Actually, I am probably secondary to that too. I suspect it is all about convincing himself he is much closer to the person he has been playing than the person his actions reveal him to be.
I say this as someone who woke in a rage just after 4am (and barely four hours sleep), angry and how dishonest he has proven to be and how I won't be ale to believe anything he tells me anyway.
I could not get back to sleep, trying to was just leading to thinking. Which led to being so angry I was shaking. Though pretty much any emotion has me shaking recently so it might not have been the anger.
So now I have got up to read a PDF I was sent by the counsellor that I saw about how to sleep. Though it is basically just time to be up and accept another day of nowhere near enough sleep.
For some reason his being the one that got to choose if we saw each other really hurt.
Just as I was going to sleep he texted saying he really did want to talk. At first I was, like, 'great, I will get some answers and closure' but then I noticed him wording and how he had specified it was because he wanted the talk and realised it is going to be theatre of him trying to convince me, and maybe also himself, that he wasn't a bad dude.
Actually, I am probably secondary to that too. I suspect it is all about convincing himself he is much closer to the person he has been playing than the person his actions reveal him to be.
I say this as someone who woke in a rage just after 4am (and barely four hours sleep), angry and how dishonest he has proven to be and how I won't be ale to believe anything he tells me anyway.
I could not get back to sleep, trying to was just leading to thinking. Which led to being so angry I was shaking. Though pretty much any emotion has me shaking recently so it might not have been the anger.
So now I have got up to read a PDF I was sent by the counsellor that I saw about how to sleep. Though it is basically just time to be up and accept another day of nowhere near enough sleep.
Monday, 16 September 2019
Waiting again
I went to class. It was a waste of time, I was too zoned out to take anything in. But did manage to eat a steam bun on the way home. I should be properly eating again in no time.
Also, had a short interaction with one of the Semi-Imaginary One's flatmates. While she is still very sympathetic it is clear that one conversation with him got her mostly back to his side as she was very "it wasn't the kindest, but was entirely human."
He texted a bit over an hour ago to say he would bring my key to my flat today. No idea when.
No idea if it will lead to a bit of a talk, or even if I ever want to talk to him again.
I had said i would always be his friend, but that was when I expected he would end things in a much less arsehole-ish way.
It says a lot about me that I never doubted he would end it. But then I may have had a read on how much he had never really been in it, that I was refusing to acknowledge to myself.
But yes. Waiting again. A second day waiting on the assumption he will turn up at an indeterminate time.
Because yesterdays six hours of pacing and stomach cramps needed to be repeated - maybe for even longer this time.
Also, had a short interaction with one of the Semi-Imaginary One's flatmates. While she is still very sympathetic it is clear that one conversation with him got her mostly back to his side as she was very "it wasn't the kindest, but was entirely human."
He texted a bit over an hour ago to say he would bring my key to my flat today. No idea when.
No idea if it will lead to a bit of a talk, or even if I ever want to talk to him again.
I had said i would always be his friend, but that was when I expected he would end things in a much less arsehole-ish way.
It says a lot about me that I never doubted he would end it. But then I may have had a read on how much he had never really been in it, that I was refusing to acknowledge to myself.
But yes. Waiting again. A second day waiting on the assumption he will turn up at an indeterminate time.
Because yesterdays six hours of pacing and stomach cramps needed to be repeated - maybe for even longer this time.
Still no keys
I have to leave the house to go to class, knowing that he still has my keys.
I trust him not to use them only because I trust his laziness and disinterest. Because I can no longer trust him.
After again not enough sleep, though about five hours (which is good by recent standards (and only panicked awake once when a creak made me think he was letting himself in)), I was awake early and again my Messenger app was proudly declaring the other guy online. I should have blocked him already, as at about 6am I really wanted to message and apologise for allowing myself to be told to disbelieve everything he had said when he messaged me.
Sensibly I ignored the urge. It is not for me to tip off the new guy that I was more than a friend, or that the Semi-Imaginary One is untrustworthy. Though possibly has told the guy all about me, as the pictures suggest he likes this guy a lot more than he ever liked me.
I want my four years and eleven months back.
Also, discussed a couple of things that happened during the 'relationship' with people over the weekend that I had been uncomfortable about at the time. Seems I was probably right to be uncomfortable about them. There were times when he made it pretty clear he wasn't a good guy and I had overlooked them as hurtful anomalies.
In positive news, I wasn't immediately disappointed to have not died in my sleep this morning. Still a bit disappointed to be alive, but not directly at the failing the die overnight part.
Improving.
I trust him not to use them only because I trust his laziness and disinterest. Because I can no longer trust him.
After again not enough sleep, though about five hours (which is good by recent standards (and only panicked awake once when a creak made me think he was letting himself in)), I was awake early and again my Messenger app was proudly declaring the other guy online. I should have blocked him already, as at about 6am I really wanted to message and apologise for allowing myself to be told to disbelieve everything he had said when he messaged me.
Sensibly I ignored the urge. It is not for me to tip off the new guy that I was more than a friend, or that the Semi-Imaginary One is untrustworthy. Though possibly has told the guy all about me, as the pictures suggest he likes this guy a lot more than he ever liked me.
I want my four years and eleven months back.
Also, discussed a couple of things that happened during the 'relationship' with people over the weekend that I had been uncomfortable about at the time. Seems I was probably right to be uncomfortable about them. There were times when he made it pretty clear he wasn't a good guy and I had overlooked them as hurtful anomalies.
In positive news, I wasn't immediately disappointed to have not died in my sleep this morning. Still a bit disappointed to be alive, but not directly at the failing the die overnight part.
Improving.
Sunday, 15 September 2019
Keys
The Semi-Imaginary One is back in town, and still has my keys.
I sorted with him mid-afternoon and he agreed to return then ASAP, after I lost my shit when he said it would be a few days. I am feeling much less comfortable about his have access to my space than is fair or rational. I know he isn't actually going to use them for no good, he barely used them when he had reason to. I think the keys got more use from me checking they worked after I had them cut than they have had in the years he has had them. Events have left me feeling very vulnerable.
I waited on tenterhooks for over six hours, pacing and making myself physically unwell with the stress of it.
It is now very late and, when I threatened to walk to his and get them, I was told I would get them tomorrow.
Not ideal. It is going to be hard to sleep through the anxiety about the fact he has access.
And the fact I know I am being entirely irrational doesn't help.
Late night watching trash TV on demand is having me feeling attacked by Married At First Sight, with all the talking about how important honesty and telling people about your past.
I let the Semi-Imaginary One away with far too much telling me nothing, while I am pathologically honest. It is like my broken brain can't help but share a pretty honest, and crazily anxious, version of every thought that ran through my head.
And he was secretive. I thought he was just damaged and careful.
Seems I thought wrong.
I sorted with him mid-afternoon and he agreed to return then ASAP, after I lost my shit when he said it would be a few days. I am feeling much less comfortable about his have access to my space than is fair or rational. I know he isn't actually going to use them for no good, he barely used them when he had reason to. I think the keys got more use from me checking they worked after I had them cut than they have had in the years he has had them. Events have left me feeling very vulnerable.
I waited on tenterhooks for over six hours, pacing and making myself physically unwell with the stress of it.
It is now very late and, when I threatened to walk to his and get them, I was told I would get them tomorrow.
Not ideal. It is going to be hard to sleep through the anxiety about the fact he has access.
And the fact I know I am being entirely irrational doesn't help.
Late night watching trash TV on demand is having me feeling attacked by Married At First Sight, with all the talking about how important honesty and telling people about your past.
I let the Semi-Imaginary One away with far too much telling me nothing, while I am pathologically honest. It is like my broken brain can't help but share a pretty honest, and crazily anxious, version of every thought that ran through my head.
And he was secretive. I thought he was just damaged and careful.
Seems I thought wrong.
Memory
Why is it that I can barely remember anything from my whole trip to Canada but my brain is digging up so many "incompatible truths" that the Semi-Imaginary One told over the years?
So many tiny inconsequential lies, many of which I spotted at the time and my brain is currently parading them in front of me. I should probably be trying to write them down as I won't have any chance of remembering them if we ever actually try to talk things through.
I really thought we would always be friends, because I am me. But I also thought we were already friends enough that, for all our relationship has never been great, when it ended it would happen in a far more human way.
The worst part is that, history suggests, I will always love him. I have never entirely stopped loving anyone once they are in there.
And I am not certain the person I love existed at all. I want to think that side of him is really there, but current evidence suggests otherwise.
In happier news, the computer game I have been hunting for for days turned out to already be something I had got and installed. In the UGH of this week I had failed to notice that I was doing it.
So many tiny inconsequential lies, many of which I spotted at the time and my brain is currently parading them in front of me. I should probably be trying to write them down as I won't have any chance of remembering them if we ever actually try to talk things through.
I really thought we would always be friends, because I am me. But I also thought we were already friends enough that, for all our relationship has never been great, when it ended it would happen in a far more human way.
The worst part is that, history suggests, I will always love him. I have never entirely stopped loving anyone once they are in there.
And I am not certain the person I love existed at all. I want to think that side of him is really there, but current evidence suggests otherwise.
In happier news, the computer game I have been hunting for for days turned out to already be something I had got and installed. In the UGH of this week I had failed to notice that I was doing it.
Disappointing
Back to hardly sleeping, shaking and being all acidy and gross.
Still, even after so little sleep, my first thought on waking was once again how disappointed I was to have not died in said sleep.
I am not saying I am going to kill myself, that would be a dick thing to do to all my friends. Also it would be far too definitely a win for the Semi-Imaginary One. And he has won far more from me than he deserves already.
I am just saying that a world in which I died of natural causes overnight would have been a better world for me that the one where I woke up again.
The not sleeping, shaking a bunch and acidiness is my own fault. After sensibly hiding his pictures from myself I went back in, on purpose, to look again. More layers of stuff I had been fighting for with no success for years, but now just happening for someone.
And why am I still bothering to call him the Semi-Imaginary One when it is now very clear he was never a super private person, he just didn't actually like me. I should just be using his name, but to use it now seems like I am just going for petty vengeance. I felt bad enough including the one photo we ever got, even though he said it was okay to put it on Facebook (though with suggestion not to tag him - another red flag that I failed to see).
Okay, I know he has been about as cagey and borderline dishonest with his supposed best friend here as he was with me - but some Facebook comments from friends of his made it pretty clear that some of his old people friends knew about the new guy and approve. Which blows away any notion that he thought the holiday was going to be innocent. But then the fact he lied and obfuscated about it so much had done that already anyway.
Why do I still feel like I love him, when the kind, decent, if a bit useless, blundering and withholding, guy that I love probably never existed? Why do my feelings for a character still feel like they should apply to the liar that was playing it?
And why did I think so highly of someone that, even assuming they were who I thought they were, was never actually very good to me?
Also, why did he keep doubling down on how much we were sorting things even only days before what he must have known was going to be a very definite end to things?
[edit: later but still before breakfast]
I have been reading up on avoidant abuse, or emotional withholding. Because a couple of my friends are pretty clear that was what was going on, and have been telling me as much for years, and the counsellor I saw on Wednesday implied it a little.
I was so sure that my friends were reading things that weren't there into the situation. I would know if I was in an abusive relationship.
But the more I read, the more it was ticking all of the boxes.
I am such an idiot I didn't see it was happening even when people I deeply trust pointed it out to me.
'Think of it as a "dangling carrot" you'd never actually catch' sounds like the entire relationship I was in. And I am pretty certain I was the only one in it, for all that his best friend thought it was enough of a thing that he had invited me for family Christmas.
Okay, must stop reading these articles now. They are explain the last five years slightly too well. And I really don't understand what he was getting out of it. If his behaviour is already so demonstrably different with the new guy then it means it isn't just how he deals with people. It seems to prove he was maliciously stringing me along almost the whole relationship.
[edit: later enough that by now I should have had breakfast but haven't because so much stress nausea]
I went to see if there was an easy way to make it so Messenger stopped suggesting the new guy as someone who is online and who I might want to message - which is does because of that time he messaged me. In mousing over him I saw the url/username-thingee for his Facebook includes both their names.
I was already feeling the need to vomit up my empty stomach.
That was not helpful.
It is only 0910 and today I have already posted more than any sane person should or would, ever.
Still, even after so little sleep, my first thought on waking was once again how disappointed I was to have not died in said sleep.
I am not saying I am going to kill myself, that would be a dick thing to do to all my friends. Also it would be far too definitely a win for the Semi-Imaginary One. And he has won far more from me than he deserves already.
I am just saying that a world in which I died of natural causes overnight would have been a better world for me that the one where I woke up again.
The not sleeping, shaking a bunch and acidiness is my own fault. After sensibly hiding his pictures from myself I went back in, on purpose, to look again. More layers of stuff I had been fighting for with no success for years, but now just happening for someone.
And why am I still bothering to call him the Semi-Imaginary One when it is now very clear he was never a super private person, he just didn't actually like me. I should just be using his name, but to use it now seems like I am just going for petty vengeance. I felt bad enough including the one photo we ever got, even though he said it was okay to put it on Facebook (though with suggestion not to tag him - another red flag that I failed to see).
Okay, I know he has been about as cagey and borderline dishonest with his supposed best friend here as he was with me - but some Facebook comments from friends of his made it pretty clear that some of his old people friends knew about the new guy and approve. Which blows away any notion that he thought the holiday was going to be innocent. But then the fact he lied and obfuscated about it so much had done that already anyway.
Why do I still feel like I love him, when the kind, decent, if a bit useless, blundering and withholding, guy that I love probably never existed? Why do my feelings for a character still feel like they should apply to the liar that was playing it?
And why did I think so highly of someone that, even assuming they were who I thought they were, was never actually very good to me?
Also, why did he keep doubling down on how much we were sorting things even only days before what he must have known was going to be a very definite end to things?
[edit: later but still before breakfast]
I have been reading up on avoidant abuse, or emotional withholding. Because a couple of my friends are pretty clear that was what was going on, and have been telling me as much for years, and the counsellor I saw on Wednesday implied it a little.
I was so sure that my friends were reading things that weren't there into the situation. I would know if I was in an abusive relationship.
But the more I read, the more it was ticking all of the boxes.
I am such an idiot I didn't see it was happening even when people I deeply trust pointed it out to me.
'Think of it as a "dangling carrot" you'd never actually catch' sounds like the entire relationship I was in. And I am pretty certain I was the only one in it, for all that his best friend thought it was enough of a thing that he had invited me for family Christmas.
Okay, must stop reading these articles now. They are explain the last five years slightly too well. And I really don't understand what he was getting out of it. If his behaviour is already so demonstrably different with the new guy then it means it isn't just how he deals with people. It seems to prove he was maliciously stringing me along almost the whole relationship.
[edit: later enough that by now I should have had breakfast but haven't because so much stress nausea]
I went to see if there was an easy way to make it so Messenger stopped suggesting the new guy as someone who is online and who I might want to message - which is does because of that time he messaged me. In mousing over him I saw the url/username-thingee for his Facebook includes both their names.
I was already feeling the need to vomit up my empty stomach.
That was not helpful.
It is only 0910 and today I have already posted more than any sane person should or would, ever.
Saturday, 14 September 2019
Craziness
Seems the previous entry (well, mostly the updating it) bumped me into being a bit crazy. I texted he who I should not have. I cried a lot about the new stuff in my house even though nothing about it is a big deal except that i need to find a better way to sort my house. I probably also need help cleaning as my health, both physical and mental, has got my cleaning so far behind that my home is becoming pretty harmful for me. And I worked myself into the state I spent Tuesday night in where I am shivering and unreasonably cold. Because feeling more physically sick from stress is super helpful.
Am also having an attack of wishing I had replied to the Facebook post that set this thing off. If I am going to find out through a post that all the Semi-Imaginary One's friends can also see, part of me feels I should have called that out to all the same people. Exactly as publicly. And also warning the new one that he'd not ended things with the old.
But I am just not that much of a confrontational arse - even when I, maybe, should be.
Woot, my dad just dropped by and is rescuing me from my own company.
Am also having an attack of wishing I had replied to the Facebook post that set this thing off. If I am going to find out through a post that all the Semi-Imaginary One's friends can also see, part of me feels I should have called that out to all the same people. Exactly as publicly. And also warning the new one that he'd not ended things with the old.
But I am just not that much of a confrontational arse - even when I, maybe, should be.
Woot, my dad just dropped by and is rescuing me from my own company.
Farners Market was gone to
I managed most of a night of sleep last night.
Maybe almost seven hours - which is possibly more than I have slept all up the previous three nights.
So I went to the farmers market this morning mostly to spend some time with Greer. I am still handling my own company very poorly, last night, slightly late, I made my father come around and chat because I wasn't able to handle an evening of myself.
But the farmers market with Greer was nice for the being able to talk, forcing myself to eat something so I could take my morning metformin was less good. Third day of finding any eating at all hard to force myself to do.
Greer was good company, and bumped by chance into Simon. So I got to see people I like.
When Greer was picked up to leave her spawn got all excited to see me from the car. It is nice to be appreciated by people, even if they are toddlers.
[Mid-afternoon edit]
I managed to eat all my soup at lunch. Regret it but managed it. Meaning I am totally fine...
And my dad bought me some groceries to make sure that if I sulk ball and don't leave the house for a while I can continue to have sensible food that I can force myself to eat.
And I got the small stuff from my grandmother's house today. The furniture I have no actual room for will come later. Includes a couple of nice framed pictures of me. The nicer I had intended to give to the Semi-Imaginary One and the other I was going to pillage of the frame and use it for a copy of the nice picture of him the the ODT took at the ceremony. (So glad I had been slightly slack at ordering the print.)
Now I just have two framed pictures of myself with no use for either. I don't really want to look at me.
And the one person I still just automatically want to share this story with is the one person that I can't share it with. Well, shouldn't. I could text it to him, but that would only invite further pain.
I didn't get that much stuff from my grandmother, but it is still too much. Maybe when the furniture comes will help - but I have too much stuff in my house and nowhere to put it.
Which I am now crying about.
Except, of course, that isn't actually what I am crying about.
Only half an hour by myself and I am already losing it at my own company. And far too wanting to talk in a warm-fuzzy sharing way with someone that no longer makes sense to.
And then I think about that and remember his behaviour and how it means he never liked me all the much, and am split between wondering why he strung me along and wondering what is so fundamentally unlikeable about me that even after years of trying with someone they never came around to thinking maybe I was worth any effort.
Maybe almost seven hours - which is possibly more than I have slept all up the previous three nights.
So I went to the farmers market this morning mostly to spend some time with Greer. I am still handling my own company very poorly, last night, slightly late, I made my father come around and chat because I wasn't able to handle an evening of myself.
But the farmers market with Greer was nice for the being able to talk, forcing myself to eat something so I could take my morning metformin was less good. Third day of finding any eating at all hard to force myself to do.
Greer was good company, and bumped by chance into Simon. So I got to see people I like.
When Greer was picked up to leave her spawn got all excited to see me from the car. It is nice to be appreciated by people, even if they are toddlers.
[Mid-afternoon edit]
I managed to eat all my soup at lunch. Regret it but managed it. Meaning I am totally fine...
And my dad bought me some groceries to make sure that if I sulk ball and don't leave the house for a while I can continue to have sensible food that I can force myself to eat.
And I got the small stuff from my grandmother's house today. The furniture I have no actual room for will come later. Includes a couple of nice framed pictures of me. The nicer I had intended to give to the Semi-Imaginary One and the other I was going to pillage of the frame and use it for a copy of the nice picture of him the the ODT took at the ceremony. (So glad I had been slightly slack at ordering the print.)
Now I just have two framed pictures of myself with no use for either. I don't really want to look at me.
And the one person I still just automatically want to share this story with is the one person that I can't share it with. Well, shouldn't. I could text it to him, but that would only invite further pain.
I didn't get that much stuff from my grandmother, but it is still too much. Maybe when the furniture comes will help - but I have too much stuff in my house and nowhere to put it.
Which I am now crying about.
Except, of course, that isn't actually what I am crying about.
Only half an hour by myself and I am already losing it at my own company. And far too wanting to talk in a warm-fuzzy sharing way with someone that no longer makes sense to.
And then I think about that and remember his behaviour and how it means he never liked me all the much, and am split between wondering why he strung me along and wondering what is so fundamentally unlikeable about me that even after years of trying with someone they never came around to thinking maybe I was worth any effort.
Friday, 13 September 2019
Still too much unsaid
Finally got an admission out of him that he understands this is hard for me.
He hasn't conceded what he thinks this is.
And it is leading to my assuming pretty intense and unhelpful things about just how much I was being used all along. Though I can't see what use I was except as a backup.
I am becoming pretty sure the bursts and lulls in our relationship were when things with the guys he actually liked failed and he'd come back to poor, stupid Matthew - the gullible fool who believes stupid lies and puts up with shit treatment and being relegated to text only for months with vague "work is so busy" excuses.
This is pretty much the only explanation I can think of that the evidence over the years fits.
He hasn't conceded what he thinks this is.
And it is leading to my assuming pretty intense and unhelpful things about just how much I was being used all along. Though I can't see what use I was except as a backup.
I am becoming pretty sure the bursts and lulls in our relationship were when things with the guys he actually liked failed and he'd come back to poor, stupid Matthew - the gullible fool who believes stupid lies and puts up with shit treatment and being relegated to text only for months with vague "work is so busy" excuses.
This is pretty much the only explanation I can think of that the evidence over the years fits.
Ugh
Tiny things keep leaping out and getting me.
Like how on Wednesday after the ceremony he explicitly agreed we would see each other on Tuesday if not before - knowing full well that by Tuesday he would be off with someone else.
Who the fuck does that.
Like how on Wednesday after the ceremony he explicitly agreed we would see each other on Tuesday if not before - knowing full well that by Tuesday he would be off with someone else.
Who the fuck does that.
Before dawn
I panicked awake from a dream just after 4am. Convinced that I had crapped myself. Obviously I hadn’t.
Two hours of lying awake, crying and over thinking while I failed to get back asleep means it is now almost time my hosts will be getting up.
Well, one of them was briefly walking around about 5, but that was a very temporary thing.
I had to block the Semi-imaginary one from my Facebook feed. So many photos of someone who had somehow convinced me that I wasn’t allowed to share our relationship online, sharing the new one. While still not having actually said anything about it to me.
This whole thing has been slap in the face after slap in the face.
I wasted so much of my life on someone who never had any real regard for me, and somehow played me without really even being in my life. What I have been calling him on here should have tipped me off to the fact I was being played.
But I love him. And I knew my like for him was stronger than his for me. Though I had seriously mis-guessed the magnitude of the difference. My friends all knew it. And yesterday it was confirmed that he friends also knew it, though like me they seemed surprised at how little he had turned out to care.
I just can’t get my head around what his plan was. Not the long term why he was stringing me along one, thinking about that at all gets very painful, very quickly. But with this trip. Trying to conceal from me that he was even out of town, then proving to be romantic tripping with someone he’d been denying to my face for months and who he already knew likes to gloat. There was zero chance he wasn’t going to get busted. So why the fuck was he talking growing old together only days before he left. He had already made his choice so why keep doubling down on a bridge you have already set the charges under?
It makes no sense to me.
Also, having blogged this much before 0630, not a great sign. Especially considering I am out and typing with finger on screen.
Two hours of lying awake, crying and over thinking while I failed to get back asleep means it is now almost time my hosts will be getting up.
Well, one of them was briefly walking around about 5, but that was a very temporary thing.
I had to block the Semi-imaginary one from my Facebook feed. So many photos of someone who had somehow convinced me that I wasn’t allowed to share our relationship online, sharing the new one. While still not having actually said anything about it to me.
This whole thing has been slap in the face after slap in the face.
I wasted so much of my life on someone who never had any real regard for me, and somehow played me without really even being in my life. What I have been calling him on here should have tipped me off to the fact I was being played.
But I love him. And I knew my like for him was stronger than his for me. Though I had seriously mis-guessed the magnitude of the difference. My friends all knew it. And yesterday it was confirmed that he friends also knew it, though like me they seemed surprised at how little he had turned out to care.
I just can’t get my head around what his plan was. Not the long term why he was stringing me along one, thinking about that at all gets very painful, very quickly. But with this trip. Trying to conceal from me that he was even out of town, then proving to be romantic tripping with someone he’d been denying to my face for months and who he already knew likes to gloat. There was zero chance he wasn’t going to get busted. So why the fuck was he talking growing old together only days before he left. He had already made his choice so why keep doubling down on a bridge you have already set the charges under?
It makes no sense to me.
Also, having blogged this much before 0630, not a great sign. Especially considering I am out and typing with finger on screen.
Thursday, 12 September 2019
Weird day
While on the phone to WINZ this morning, to sort the not cutting me off for the second time this year, I realised that I had had constant tight chest pain since the moment of unfortunate revelation on Tuesday night. So I gave healthline a go. The nurse seemed very certain that anxiety attack pain I thought I had was a silent heart attack. So I had to go get it checked at my doctors office. I got Doug, who I have never had before but who seems fine. There was still some worry until I had my ECG (which cost $26). It came back suggesting that I have a perfectly healthy heart. So drama for nothing.
I went to town and got congratulated by the manager of a shop I buy too many gifts at for being called out in the paper. So weird being reminded he had publicly acknowledged me only days before running off with the guy he promised he wasn’t into.
Then I went and got my plant back. Which was actually fine. The flatmates were really nice to me and understood my side entirely. I will miss hanging with them. Only down side was how quickly they agreed that it had been pretty obvious that I liked him more than he liked me.
Then home to an afternoon of crying under a pile of blankets.
I eventually made it out of bed to go for dinner, if only after I had sent the Semi-Imaginary One a very long text that I really should not have.
As going for takeaways I made it pretty clear that I wasn’t doing okay and Simon, being awesome, came and rescued me from myself. So I spent the later part of the evening watching Simon play Racket and Clank while I whined about life.
Friends are good to have.
And his guest room is warm, even without the heater on.
I went to town and got congratulated by the manager of a shop I buy too many gifts at for being called out in the paper. So weird being reminded he had publicly acknowledged me only days before running off with the guy he promised he wasn’t into.
Then I went and got my plant back. Which was actually fine. The flatmates were really nice to me and understood my side entirely. I will miss hanging with them. Only down side was how quickly they agreed that it had been pretty obvious that I liked him more than he liked me.
Then home to an afternoon of crying under a pile of blankets.
I eventually made it out of bed to go for dinner, if only after I had sent the Semi-Imaginary One a very long text that I really should not have.
As going for takeaways I made it pretty clear that I wasn’t doing okay and Simon, being awesome, came and rescued me from myself. So I spent the later part of the evening watching Simon play Racket and Clank while I whined about life.
Friends are good to have.
And his guest room is warm, even without the heater on.
Wednesday, 11 September 2019
Trying
Had a counselling appointment. I am not sure any good came of it, but I cried a bunch and used a bunch of her tissues. Am now signed up for a course of Brief Intervention sessions, the first will be annoyingly early in the morning.
After class, and a bit of crying in class, I had a very nice lunch out with Greer where I mostly managed not to cry too much. After she'd been giving me the DTMFA speech the last time I saw her she did an impressively good job of not popping out an "I told you so".
On the way home I bought junkfood, that I don't want and can't bring myself to eat, and some lego minifigs, which are not for eating anyway.
My Facebook feed has so many pictures of the Semi-Imaginary One and the other guy popping up today. I was always given the feeling that I wasn't allowed to post or tag photos. But then I had to fight to even get him to spend a few hours in my company, and it very rarely happened. The new guy is getting an holiday of constant company.
It is making it very clear that I have had five years (well, four years, eleven months) of my life taken by someone who was never actually that keen.
Which fucking sucks.
Fighting the urge to blame myself for every part of it is very hard. Almost as hard as typing - between the shaking and the fact my fingers keep typing the wrong words (or just shakiness induced gibberish from missing keys).
After class, and a bit of crying in class, I had a very nice lunch out with Greer where I mostly managed not to cry too much. After she'd been giving me the DTMFA speech the last time I saw her she did an impressively good job of not popping out an "I told you so".
On the way home I bought junkfood, that I don't want and can't bring myself to eat, and some lego minifigs, which are not for eating anyway.
My Facebook feed has so many pictures of the Semi-Imaginary One and the other guy popping up today. I was always given the feeling that I wasn't allowed to post or tag photos. But then I had to fight to even get him to spend a few hours in my company, and it very rarely happened. The new guy is getting an holiday of constant company.
It is making it very clear that I have had five years (well, four years, eleven months) of my life taken by someone who was never actually that keen.
Which fucking sucks.
Fighting the urge to blame myself for every part of it is very hard. Almost as hard as typing - between the shaking and the fact my fingers keep typing the wrong words (or just shakiness induced gibberish from missing keys).
The morning after
After the chest tightening stab of rage when I first found out, and some ranting at people, I realise I was shaking a lot. To the point it was becoming near impossible to type. After cocooning in far too much bedding and hours later still being cold it occurred to me that i might have been having some sort of physiological shock response.
Those hours were spent running over five years of obvious red flags. The short bursts of what seemed like genuine interest (though always with far less effort than it appears he is already putting into the 'new' guy) followed by long periods of little to no contact. The caginess at the best of times. The fact he prioritised me below basically everything.
Wouldn't take time away from World of Warcraft for me, already taking time off work to dirty holiday with the new guy.
Looking back it is pretty fucking clear he was never actually that in to me (as all my friends kept telling me the whole time) and there it seems kind of likely he was cheating on and off the whole time. I mean, I caught him on a date with someone else about a week after I thought we had first agreed we weren't (technically he had agreed that I shouldn't but I assumed that was a language thing).
So friends, you were right. Happy?
It only just occurred to me in the insanity of my mind this morning that a few days ago was the 12 year anniversary of getting drug-raped by a friend after helping him move house (whiskey spiked with meds stolen from his work at the hospital - he was a bad nurse). My life is full of fun.... Also means I have been sick for over twelve years, as the being sick was why I'd not been in the office and able to help with moving. At that point I still just thought it was a regular migraine being oddly persistent.
I really ought have been euthanised when it become clear it was a chronic thing. In the long run it would have been in everyone's best interests.
So I was up to ring Student Health and get a brain-poker. You have to ring as soon as possible after their 8.30 opening to get in. Mostly they are booked out by 9 and don't let you book on other days.
So I rang at 8.30 to find that today they were closed until 9.45 for a staff meeting.....
Slightly concerned I am going to end up needing EPS.
At least the relationship ending is making it easier to acknowledge that it has been feeding my depression. Years of someone 'loving' me but avoiding my company was not great for my sense of how likeable I am.
Those hours were spent running over five years of obvious red flags. The short bursts of what seemed like genuine interest (though always with far less effort than it appears he is already putting into the 'new' guy) followed by long periods of little to no contact. The caginess at the best of times. The fact he prioritised me below basically everything.
Wouldn't take time away from World of Warcraft for me, already taking time off work to dirty holiday with the new guy.
Looking back it is pretty fucking clear he was never actually that in to me (as all my friends kept telling me the whole time) and there it seems kind of likely he was cheating on and off the whole time. I mean, I caught him on a date with someone else about a week after I thought we had first agreed we weren't (technically he had agreed that I shouldn't but I assumed that was a language thing).
So friends, you were right. Happy?
It only just occurred to me in the insanity of my mind this morning that a few days ago was the 12 year anniversary of getting drug-raped by a friend after helping him move house (whiskey spiked with meds stolen from his work at the hospital - he was a bad nurse). My life is full of fun.... Also means I have been sick for over twelve years, as the being sick was why I'd not been in the office and able to help with moving. At that point I still just thought it was a regular migraine being oddly persistent.
I really ought have been euthanised when it become clear it was a chronic thing. In the long run it would have been in everyone's best interests.
So I was up to ring Student Health and get a brain-poker. You have to ring as soon as possible after their 8.30 opening to get in. Mostly they are booked out by 9 and don't let you book on other days.
So I rang at 8.30 to find that today they were closed until 9.45 for a staff meeting.....
Slightly concerned I am going to end up needing EPS.
At least the relationship ending is making it easier to acknowledge that it has been feeding my depression. Years of someone 'loving' me but avoiding my company was not great for my sense of how likeable I am.
Tuesday, 10 September 2019
F- Life
Today I typed out the message "If you don't want to spend time with me, then just stop going out with me" to the Semi-Imaginary One. But I didn't send it.
Only in sorting where I was meeting him for our standing weekly group hang did he say it was off.
He only admitted it was off because he was out of town when I said I would just come to his flat instead. Once again he has fucked off out of town without bothering to mention it.
He is making it really hard to maintain my belief that he is just a bit crap but means well. He has been too reliably dickish lately. It is getting very hard not to snap.
[Later addition]
Why the fuck am I so in love with someone who is such a dick to me.
I sent an angry text rant to make sure he knew things weren't okay.
Am now kind of expecting to get dumped for having become difficult. I am pretty sure I am only being kept around because I quietly put up with being treated as not a person.
And I seem to have readers again. Hopefully it is just bots, but the read count being non-zero unsettles me - especially when I am extra ranty and miserable. Otherwise it is just secret voyeurs enjoying my pain - which, I guess, is their right.
I would like to believe if it was one (to three) of my friends, they would message me with a "hey douchebag, why are you being a douchebag?" and I would have to reply with "oh no, you found and my true name and can now do magic on me...."
If it is the Semi-Imaginary One reading it... that would be hellishly awkward. It would either force us to actually have a serious discussion and try to fix things, or end things.
While I would prefer to fix things, either of those outcomes would probably be an improvement on the status quo.
[SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK addition]
The stranger who messaged me on the Semi-Imaginary One's birthday claiming to be his actual partner is now off on holiday with him and posting about it on facebook. I have been told so many lies. And it now seems pretty definitive that I am being cheated on.
This fucking sucks.
[more later additions]
He is not replying to me please explain text. Which is leading me to accept that it is probably not something that will somehow turn out to have an innocent explanation.
I have messaged his flatmates to get back my plant, they didn't ask why so I guess they know.
I am really not okay.
Also, the reader count for this post keeps going up. If you are someone I know could you tell me so I stop being weird and anxious about who it is.
I should go try to sleep. Failing that, chat to the 1737 people like a weirdo.
Only in sorting where I was meeting him for our standing weekly group hang did he say it was off.
He only admitted it was off because he was out of town when I said I would just come to his flat instead. Once again he has fucked off out of town without bothering to mention it.
He is making it really hard to maintain my belief that he is just a bit crap but means well. He has been too reliably dickish lately. It is getting very hard not to snap.
[Later addition]
Why the fuck am I so in love with someone who is such a dick to me.
I sent an angry text rant to make sure he knew things weren't okay.
Am now kind of expecting to get dumped for having become difficult. I am pretty sure I am only being kept around because I quietly put up with being treated as not a person.
And I seem to have readers again. Hopefully it is just bots, but the read count being non-zero unsettles me - especially when I am extra ranty and miserable. Otherwise it is just secret voyeurs enjoying my pain - which, I guess, is their right.
I would like to believe if it was one (to three) of my friends, they would message me with a "hey douchebag, why are you being a douchebag?" and I would have to reply with "oh no, you found and my true name and can now do magic on me...."
If it is the Semi-Imaginary One reading it... that would be hellishly awkward. It would either force us to actually have a serious discussion and try to fix things, or end things.
While I would prefer to fix things, either of those outcomes would probably be an improvement on the status quo.
[SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK addition]
The stranger who messaged me on the Semi-Imaginary One's birthday claiming to be his actual partner is now off on holiday with him and posting about it on facebook. I have been told so many lies. And it now seems pretty definitive that I am being cheated on.
This fucking sucks.
[more later additions]
He is not replying to me please explain text. Which is leading me to accept that it is probably not something that will somehow turn out to have an innocent explanation.
I have messaged his flatmates to get back my plant, they didn't ask why so I guess they know.
I am really not okay.
Also, the reader count for this post keeps going up. If you are someone I know could you tell me so I stop being weird and anxious about who it is.
I should go try to sleep. Failing that, chat to the 1737 people like a weirdo.
Monday, 9 September 2019
Digging holes under myself
I mentioned to the Semi-Imaginary One that I had posted the picture of the two of us online because it was a decent picture of me, but that I hadn't tagged or identified him and that wouldn't show up to his friends (including the one who claimed to be his actual partner). He declared this a good idea. Both the showing my friends part and the not showing it to his people part (through one word texts, and not many of them - we have a mostly text based relationship that is so one sided that I can't scroll back through messages without depressing myself because well over 90% of the textbox is blue).
This led to going to bed last night and lying awake wondering if I am only letting things slide because we are approaching something that could be considered the five year mark. There are things I really have to push him on answering but, as I am weirdly certain he will dump me the moment I make things hard, I might be putting them off so I can afterwards say I'm not long out of a five year relationship, rather than an almost five year one. Semantics, they are powerful....
Or I am just shit scared of confrontation and hurting myself but putting off the hurt that will come.
After his explaining away the other guy claiming to be his partner with 'friend who he almost dated years ago but the guy had too much baggage', when they guy had given a context for their meeting that put it after the Semi-Imaginary One and I had taken to exchanging occasional L-bombs.... (something the Semi-Imaginary One himself seemed to have missed when I showed him the entire conversation with 'his partner').
Thee is no way the actual explanation isn't going to be fucking painful.
And because I have no self-respect at all, I am still going to wait around for it.
I may even 'forgive' it.
I am worthless trash proving how worthless I am.
Go me.
Also, it has become a little clear, especially after having a bit of a rant at Tavendale, that my blogging into a void that isn't intended to have readers is basically just an extra unhelpful echo chamber. The only noise is the chamber is the sound of how much of a fuck-up I am.
A noise that has too much 'why haven't you killed yourself yet' hiding in its confusing whispers.
I really need to get back into counselling. And with someone less useless than George, the last one I saw.
This led to going to bed last night and lying awake wondering if I am only letting things slide because we are approaching something that could be considered the five year mark. There are things I really have to push him on answering but, as I am weirdly certain he will dump me the moment I make things hard, I might be putting them off so I can afterwards say I'm not long out of a five year relationship, rather than an almost five year one. Semantics, they are powerful....
Or I am just shit scared of confrontation and hurting myself but putting off the hurt that will come.
After his explaining away the other guy claiming to be his partner with 'friend who he almost dated years ago but the guy had too much baggage', when they guy had given a context for their meeting that put it after the Semi-Imaginary One and I had taken to exchanging occasional L-bombs.... (something the Semi-Imaginary One himself seemed to have missed when I showed him the entire conversation with 'his partner').
Thee is no way the actual explanation isn't going to be fucking painful.
And because I have no self-respect at all, I am still going to wait around for it.
I may even 'forgive' it.
I am worthless trash proving how worthless I am.
Go me.
Also, it has become a little clear, especially after having a bit of a rant at Tavendale, that my blogging into a void that isn't intended to have readers is basically just an extra unhelpful echo chamber. The only noise is the chamber is the sound of how much of a fuck-up I am.
A noise that has too much 'why haven't you killed yourself yet' hiding in its confusing whispers.
I really need to get back into counselling. And with someone less useless than George, the last one I saw.
Sunday, 8 September 2019
Fail humaning, as usual
I got up at weekday time today, even though it is Sunday, to catch up a bunch of things.
It is now dinner time and i have realised that I have done nothing but eat more of those pinwheel scones. I am still in my PJs and haven't even had the energy to play computer games.
Have got way too caught up in my head about a multitude of the tiny problems with the Semi-Imaginary One (and a few of the actual real why-the-fuck-didn't-I-run-screaming-for-the-hills-immediately ones). It has left me with no brain space for anything else. Or even for it itself.
I am not okay, but I put all of what little effort I have in me into convincing people that I am. Which is why I didn't leave the house on Friday, as I knew I'd end up crying in public - which I did in the supermarket on Thursday (while buying a newspaper for the photo, and then later in the day at a worse supermakret after accidentally walking into someone (who I don't think even noticed my walking into him (and incidentally was exactly what single me would have stranger crushed on to, looking far too objectifiable in that corrections uniform and seeming more than a little on the spectrum...))).
I am too broken to be sensibly filtering my thoughts.
Probably a sign I should not be blogging, especially as attempting to use it as free therapy is not really doing anything that helps with my broken brain.
It is now dinner time and i have realised that I have done nothing but eat more of those pinwheel scones. I am still in my PJs and haven't even had the energy to play computer games.
Have got way too caught up in my head about a multitude of the tiny problems with the Semi-Imaginary One (and a few of the actual real why-the-fuck-didn't-I-run-screaming-for-the-hills-immediately ones). It has left me with no brain space for anything else. Or even for it itself.
I am not okay, but I put all of what little effort I have in me into convincing people that I am. Which is why I didn't leave the house on Friday, as I knew I'd end up crying in public - which I did in the supermarket on Thursday (while buying a newspaper for the photo, and then later in the day at a worse supermakret after accidentally walking into someone (who I don't think even noticed my walking into him (and incidentally was exactly what single me would have stranger crushed on to, looking far too objectifiable in that corrections uniform and seeming more than a little on the spectrum...))).
I am too broken to be sensibly filtering my thoughts.
Probably a sign I should not be blogging, especially as attempting to use it as free therapy is not really doing anything that helps with my broken brain.
Saturday, 7 September 2019
Friday, 6 September 2019
Staying on task
Last night I got distracted from the entry I was writing by rewatching Please Like Me. It became weird enough to watch after the incident with my mother, but rewatching now that I have the Semi-Imaginary One in my life.... it just leaves me wanting to call him 'Geoffrey'.
Though I think I am clearly on a more different level of ugly than Josh Thomas. He is much more acceptably homo shaped, just with a 'character' face. Also, the Semi-Imaginary One is realistically probably more of a Patrick......
Anyway, Wednesday night I had my first Into the Darkwoods pathfinder game in months. The GM is trying to wrap it up so he can move on to the pathfinder 2nd edition. So the plot is moving very fast. Story points he has been working up to for... it must be going on three years now... and now getting rushed together. Between getting my first +6 item (a belt of CON getting Gusil up to a Constitution ability score of 34) and dying in a plot event I didn't role a single dice. It was a temporary death, but very much set the tone for how rushed things were.
Good game though.
Yesterday I went to town for lunch with Oli and to pick up a copy of the newspaper for the picture in it. Then visited my grandmother in her rest home that she still seems thinking she is only staying in briefly before she goes home. Senility is awful. I have to remember to die before I go senile.
Otherwise I mostly spent the day being weird and conflicted about the pictures from the ceremony. So many years of my life before we got any pictures and he seems much less keen on being in pictures with me than the ones he took with the guy he claims nothing happened with.
At some point I have to finish that conversation with him without letting him change topic out of it.
My 'relationship' is probably irreparably broken, but I am all stupid in love with someone who is probably a bit awful.
Also, I really want Josh's astronaut and princess bedspread. Because watching TV shows makes me want stuff like the good consumer that I am.
[Edit: late in day]
It was the wrong show to be watching. It turns out I am not doing great and a show that would make me cry was a bad plan.
In other news, it turns out my haircut is much better without styling product in it - if only I had known that on Wednesday.
Also, too many photo on this thing. I'm wasting all my gmail storage space on this blog, especially as I seem to have lost all the photo shrinking apps I had when I first travelblogged back in the dawn of blogspot.
Though I think I am clearly on a more different level of ugly than Josh Thomas. He is much more acceptably homo shaped, just with a 'character' face. Also, the Semi-Imaginary One is realistically probably more of a Patrick......
Anyway, Wednesday night I had my first Into the Darkwoods pathfinder game in months. The GM is trying to wrap it up so he can move on to the pathfinder 2nd edition. So the plot is moving very fast. Story points he has been working up to for... it must be going on three years now... and now getting rushed together. Between getting my first +6 item (a belt of CON getting Gusil up to a Constitution ability score of 34) and dying in a plot event I didn't role a single dice. It was a temporary death, but very much set the tone for how rushed things were.
Good game though.
Yesterday I went to town for lunch with Oli and to pick up a copy of the newspaper for the picture in it. Then visited my grandmother in her rest home that she still seems thinking she is only staying in briefly before she goes home. Senility is awful. I have to remember to die before I go senile.
Otherwise I mostly spent the day being weird and conflicted about the pictures from the ceremony. So many years of my life before we got any pictures and he seems much less keen on being in pictures with me than the ones he took with the guy he claims nothing happened with.
At some point I have to finish that conversation with him without letting him change topic out of it.
My 'relationship' is probably irreparably broken, but I am all stupid in love with someone who is probably a bit awful.
Also, I really want Josh's astronaut and princess bedspread. Because watching TV shows makes me want stuff like the good consumer that I am.
[Edit: late in day]
It was the wrong show to be watching. It turns out I am not doing great and a show that would make me cry was a bad plan.
In other news, it turns out my haircut is much better without styling product in it - if only I had known that on Wednesday.
Also, too many photo on this thing. I'm wasting all my gmail storage space on this blog, especially as I seem to have lost all the photo shrinking apps I had when I first travelblogged back in the dawn of blogspot.
Thursday, 5 September 2019
Most couply couple photo ever
I am in a couple photo, for the first time since boring Dan.
It looks like two librarians who work on different floor have been forced to pose together by a boss who keep yelling 'bunch up'.
And pretty much says everything that needs said about my 'relationship'. We are basically strangers who act like we know each other. Also, it took almost five years for us to be in a photo together (discounting group shots) and this is what we managed.
Anyway, forgot my meds on Tuesday night because I am dumb. As was very apparent at 0300, when I was feeling attacked by my bedding and I really wanted to experiment in amateur trepanation.
So I started Wednesday feeling pretty shit, not helped by a workman turning up to do work and demanding I be home later at a time when I was not going to be home (and made little effort to be). Then discovered the shirt I had ready and looking nice was not a shirt I could sit down in. Had to change to my second nicest shirt.
On the way to class I bought something from The Tart Tin again. And it exploded in my backpack at some point during the day - I didn't want to risk eating it before the ceremony and getting it on my shirt. Somehow I had forgotten that I am the personification of scruffiness and was going to look like crap no matter what.
I had the safest from staining lunch I could think of after classes and then wandered slowly toward the town hall for the Semi-Imaginary One's citizenship ceremony.
The ceremony was a bit long and dull, as one expects. We were sitting behind the local National MP and the Semi-Imaginary One's other guest is an elderly leftie who spent a bunch of the time audibly grumbling about what an arse the guy is. It was entertaining and satisfying. The nibbles after the ceremony were nice, and I got the above photo. Also, the ODT pounced on my foreigner as the most photogenic and exotic white person at the ceremony...... So there was a nice photo in the paper which I think I might have to buy a print of from the paper. It may be time that I cross to being one of those people that owns a framed photo of a loved one.
Tuesday, 3 September 2019
Typical
I really need to pee, but as is somewhat too usual there are workmen in my flat poking around.
I also need to finish this assignment that I wanted to have done days ago but which my brain melted over. I'm at 1400 words of the 1500 to 2000 required, and so far they are mostly about the right words so a waffling conclusion and I should be set to sent it in for marking.
Also, just home from getting my haircut. The long time spent shaping my beard didn't achieve much and I probably should have just said to clipper it off.
[Edit] At 3pm I submitted it. The assignment is terribad, but it is submitted.
I shall never stare at Greek pots with interest ever again.
I also need to finish this assignment that I wanted to have done days ago but which my brain melted over. I'm at 1400 words of the 1500 to 2000 required, and so far they are mostly about the right words so a waffling conclusion and I should be set to sent it in for marking.
Also, just home from getting my haircut. The long time spent shaping my beard didn't achieve much and I probably should have just said to clipper it off.
[Edit] At 3pm I submitted it. The assignment is terribad, but it is submitted.
I shall never stare at Greek pots with interest ever again.
Sunday, 1 September 2019
I vanish from myself
My assumption that my brain was being too much of a jerk has been confirmed. Have spent much of today staring at the sheet for my assignment and failing to work out what I am supposed to be doing. I just can't get the words to make sense.
Also, I realised I can remember nothing of the plot of characters from Carnival Row or of the Dark Crystal series. My brain is just holding nothing.
I should have done the assignment at the start of the holiday, but I had no way of knowing my brain was going to abandon me so hard.
[edit: later]
I managed to make the day worse. I realised I had been ripping out chunks of my hair so vacuumed them up. In the process of putting the vacuum away I managed to blunt-force-trauma gash open my ankle. So much blood and hurt.
I am too much of a spaz to exist.
And my attempts at my assignment still go nowhere.
Also, I realised I can remember nothing of the plot of characters from Carnival Row or of the Dark Crystal series. My brain is just holding nothing.
I should have done the assignment at the start of the holiday, but I had no way of knowing my brain was going to abandon me so hard.
[edit: later]
I managed to make the day worse. I realised I had been ripping out chunks of my hair so vacuumed them up. In the process of putting the vacuum away I managed to blunt-force-trauma gash open my ankle. So much blood and hurt.
I am too much of a spaz to exist.
And my attempts at my assignment still go nowhere.
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