Spiralling

I make terrible choices that possibly count as psychological self-harm.
Having an attack of too many emotions I though I should get me and Shitlord's text conversation history into a searchable format.

Thus discovering pointless things like that fact he said he loved the idea of me watching him grow old a year and nine days before the first time he said that he loved me (after I had in person the day before - after we saw The 5th Wave (about 15 months into the relationship - he recently told me off for having said it too soon, I really hope that was projecting about the other guy)).

And the text logs from the early part of our relationship were so different from later years.  For the first few months he was genuinely awesome, and then slowly started to get less good.

From the talk and the occasional flash of guilt before nudging the conversation away he hooked up with other people occasionally from pretty early on - though says it was only a handful over the whole time.  And he promises both times he crossed into something more relationship like with someone else it was the same guy, though the first time requiring flying to Brisbane for it and concealing the trips from me.

He is such an arsehole.

Why am I trying to examine a relationship with someone who is just a terrible human.

By the time he first started saying he loved me we had already fallen into our pattern of me doing a lot of work and him mostly avoiding me.  The text logs were already pretty one sided and he made big promises but was already showing little interest in spending time together or asking anything about me.

From the vague time period I was given the first time he said he loved me was pretty close to the first time he hooked up with his new guy.

I can't get these thoughts out of my head.  My brain keeps finding more connections to hurt myself with.

I thought if I could logically deconstruct some of the noise in my head it would help.
I thought very, very wrongly.

I am being bad for me, and the spiral has led to texting so questions to Shitlord that if he answers will only hurt.   And why did I do that.

I am not okay.
I should probably make myself eat dinner after boasting to everyone about how I am eating again - which is only semi-true.