The morning after

After the chest tightening stab of rage when I first found out, and some ranting at people, I realise I was shaking a lot.  To the point it was becoming near impossible to type.  After cocooning in far too much bedding and hours later still being cold it occurred to me that i might have been having some sort of physiological shock response.
Those hours were spent running over five years of obvious red flags.  The short bursts of what seemed like genuine interest (though always with far less effort than it appears he is already putting into the 'new' guy) followed by long periods of little to no contact.  The caginess at the best of times.  The fact he prioritised me below basically everything.
Wouldn't take time away from World of Warcraft for me, already taking time off work to dirty holiday with the new guy.
Looking back it is pretty fucking clear he was never actually that in to me (as all my friends kept telling me the whole time) and there it seems kind of likely he was cheating on and off the whole time.  I mean, I caught him on a date with someone else about a week after I thought we had first agreed we weren't (technically he had agreed that I shouldn't but I assumed that was a language thing).

So friends, you were right.  Happy?


It only just occurred to me in the insanity of my mind this morning that a few days ago was the 12 year anniversary of getting drug-raped by a friend after helping him move house (whiskey spiked with meds stolen from his work at the hospital - he was a bad nurse).  My life is full of fun....  Also means I have been sick for over twelve years, as the being sick was why I'd not been in the office and able to help with moving.  At that point I still just thought it was a regular migraine being oddly persistent.
I really ought have been euthanised when it become clear it was a chronic thing.  In the long run it would have been in everyone's best interests.



So I was up to ring Student Health and get a brain-poker.  You have to ring as soon as possible after their 8.30 opening to get in.  Mostly they are booked out by 9 and don't let you book on other days.
So I rang at 8.30 to find that today they were closed until 9.45 for a staff meeting.....
Slightly concerned I am going to end up needing EPS.


At least the relationship ending is making it easier to acknowledge that it has been feeding my depression.  Years of someone 'loving' me but avoiding my company was not great for my sense of how likeable I am.