None so blind as those who will not see

Got up, had breakfast, went swimming.  Ranted at Tina a LOT.
The more I try to explain bits of the relationship to people the more they get all 'why didn't people know this already?'

Apparently the fact that I have never felt I was allowed to ring him is something I should have spotted was unhealthy and also something other people should have known about.  I have never rung his phone.  He has called me a few times, but always when I was at something with his work friends and he wanted me to tell them he was late.

It is like how he and I never facetime'd in all the long periods where we didn't see each other for months at a time.  We had discussed it as a thing quite near the start of our relationship, and I asked him a lot, but it never happened and I was somehow convinced that I wasn't allowed to make the call.

And I don't even know how it happened.  I don't recall him ever saying that I couldn't ring.  I just never felt I had permission.
Maybe it was a me-problem all along, and he had no idea.

But the days he strung me along, from pretty early in the relationship, with postponement after postponement until I had spent the whole day waiting for him before he cancelled or just went silent and didn't show up - they were not just me imagining rules.
Perhaps if I had been more headstrong and confident and taken less of his shit he might have had any sort of regard for me.  But that is not how things played out.

Now I am sitting at home waiting, for the third day running.  This time for "the talk".
As the worry about how it will go has kept me awake through most of every night, I asked if we could rip the bandaid off and get it done.
Stupidly I also suggested his place, so now it is happening at mine.  I would much rather it wasn't.  I wish he had taken home advantage so that I didn't have to have him in my house to do this thing.  I mean, I would blow a full-on Genie wish for that.
But if I fight he will just draw it out more and more.

I want to believe he is a better person than to do that, but I lack evidence for it.  Like how I really want to believe all this waiting he is making me do, and made me do all though knowing him, was just thoughtlessness and not enjoying the power he has over me.  On this day where the plan is another vague 'today' and 'my house' and no further details day.

How did I get so broken?
I don't know which parts I can even blame on this somewhat abusive relationship and which breaks in me have been there from childhood.