Last night, just as a friend* had talked me entirely out of the spiral, Shitlord texted me to ask if he could come around in the morning and have me witness his passport application. I had agree to do so back when that still made actual sense, and somehow to him it still did.
I lost my shit at him and them spent the rest of the evening violently shaking and crying.
I got to bed and may have even been asleep slightly before midnight.
I was then very awake at not much past 3am, having realised that while I had lost my shit I hadn't explicitly said no to him about it. I mean, the going off should make it clear, but the fact he thought it was still fine in the first place suggests problems with the personal logic.
I dozed on and off, but don't think I got any more actual sleep. Just a lot of running through stuff and blaming my own stupidity for years of believing someone that I should not have.
Just after 7am I texted 1737.
At first it was a bot - it may still be a bot, but now it seems like a person following a script and who doesn't really care what I say.
I am not uncertain any good will come of it, but I am not handling things as they are. And, while my counselling start proper only next week, that is not today.
*The friend who talked me out of the spiral is someone I had been text flirting with for a few weeks before I first met Shitlord, and who I told him about pretty much immediately (first date with Shitlord went so well - the first couple of months went generally great, but once things started to get less great they never recovered to that level (how the fuck did I spend so long in something so doomed?)) and have had a text chat friendship ever since. We have never actually met.
[Edit 10am]
I spent almost three hours in painfully slow text chat to 1737. There was a lot of "your feelings are valid" but not a lot else. I guess the counsellors have a lot of clients on the go at once.
Can't tell if it was useful or not.
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