Disclaimer

Though a "Diary" my online diary is a work of FICTION.

It may at times strongly reflect actual events of my life, often how I honestly perceived them and display my genuine reactions. But not always and everything contained within should be treated as a fiction.

This is also a personal diary, so by reading it you are violating my privacy. And as it is a personal diary you are not allowed to hold anything you read in it against me, as you shouldn't have been reading it anyway.

Also, this diary is not to be read by anyone who has gone out with me, would like to go out with me in the future, or suspects I may like to go out with them.

Click Here for the old site, as backed up by Wayback Machine (I have gone with the 2007 version as it is the latest that is still before vodafone crunched a bunch of my files)

Monday, 21 December 2009

December 2009

Summer.

4th December 2009 - Osmund, Bp. and Conf.
Well, Thursday a week ago (going back to when I last wrote) I headed in for lunch with Greer. I was still achey and having some minor walking issues, so I gave myself a bunch of extra time to get there. I was still late. It was bad of me. Bridget was there as well, which ws good as I wasn't at my most awake and Bridget talked to Greer enough that I don't think they noticed how zoned out and not paying of attention I was. On the way home I swapped books with Julie. That trip was the only time I properly left the house under my own power the whole week, lunches the following two days not counting for reasons that will be obvious when I get to them.
Friday I lay in bed reading until my father and brother turned up and we went to the turkish place in South D for lunch, before I returned to bed. Was still feeling to achy to really want to do anything. Friday I got my uni results back too. For the paper I got special cirsumstances for they gave me my mark from the first essay as my mark for the paper, and in Latin I just scraped an A+.
Saturday, was pretty much a repeat expect with Great Taste instead of Turkish. Including the me sleeping much of the day away part. The weekend also went pretty much computer free, as I was being a big emo fucktard about how sick I was am didn't want to take it out on people. For some reason being in pain brings on my self hatred. The logic involved is along the lines of "what kind of loser can't even manage not being in debilitating amounts of pain all the time? This loser, that's who". It's not so productive. And some general failing on my ability to interact with people without making them wish they didn't know me score meant that I was also a little hiding from people so as to not have to admit that weren't talking to me.
Go my lack of mental health.
Sunday Oli came around and took me to Mitre 10 Mega, thus getting me away from wallowing in my crazy for a while. I got a free paring knife - it is quite sharp and I've cut myself accidentally with it a couple of times already. Stupid unco fingertips and being used to very blunt knives.
This week I have done well of leaving the house. Monday, I paid bills. Tuesday, I went to the pool and had a long chat while aqua jogging to some guy who has talked to me in the spa a couple of times. Wednesday, I had a delicious lunch at the staff club with Emily. It was great, though a felt a bit guilty about her shouting me lunch. That said money is tight at the moment and I had just enough left of the money from Canadian Mike's money to make up for not paying a summer of rent to buy myself the cheapest thing on the menu at the relatively cheap eatery I went to with Greer on Thursday. Today, I went swimming again. No talking to strangers this time though.
The week had also feature reading of the seventh and eighth Sookie Stackhouse books, and a bunch more avoiding my computer. Though this time as I'd moved to being angry and thought it best not to say some of the things I'm thinking about people to them.

6th December 2009 - Nicholas, Bp. and Conf.
I just got myself officially dumped as a friend. I'd like to say I didn't walk straight into it, but I did pretty much bring it entirely on myself. After two weeks of being given the cold shoulder, while hungover and feeling pretty impressively shite I replied with bitchy passive-aggressive retardness. Being dumped as a friend pretty much followed logically.
So many of my friendships are so broken. I think I'm broken. I just can't function as a person.
I have a nasty case of the shakes. Everything is in tremors. My meds are failing to help. I'd like to blame events of the day, but it is probably just my body hating me. Possibly as punishment for the beers I drank last night.
I would very much like to be still right now.

12th December 2009.
So, following properly from the entry of the fourth. [This entry failed to happen as guests arrived].

17th December 2009.
So, continuing from the fourth as I was. Lets see if I can remember anything..., ummmm.... On the fourth itself I was feeling pretty weird. The poking feeling in my forehead had more twisting and heat in the sensation than is usual so I was feeling quite cranky. I was also seeing some impressive floating lights. It was sort of pretty for a very bad sign. It turned out that night that I'd missed my pain killer s the night before (due to sleeping through dinner time and not realising that I hadn't eaten and thus hadn't taken my meds). So Friday night I went to bed pretty soon after dinner. Saturday was also a bit off, though I made it to the farmers' market. In the evening, after napping much of the day away, I headed to a Seven Dead Sins theme birthday party for three girls I know. I went as "Fires of Wrath", by sticking the card of the same name from the HeroQuest game (which I've had since I was a kid) to my forehead. It was a very fun night, though I drank too much and suffered for it in the morning.
The morning after was the one that led to that wallowing in self pity entry above. You know the one. Basically the hungover crankiness diminished my need to be liked enough to make a very snide and petty comment at Simon would been ignoring me for a couple of weeks (since something also covered in a previous entry - which me being unlikeable). So I curled up in bed after it blew up in my face exactly as I should have expected it to loaded up on ice cream and waited for the feeling horrible to hit me. It didn't. Well, the dairy intolerance did - too much ice cream very bad. But as I waited to have an attack of emotional bad, the only emotion that popped up was a surprising quantity of relief. Seems I'd thought get friend-dumped was coming for a very long time, and as such it actually happening mostly just left me feeling much, much better about the world. I should have been a complete unlikeable arse much sooner.... While I would have argued till I was blue in the fac ethat things were good a few weeks ago, even though we've basically had nothing to do with each other the whole time I've been sick (he's seemed uncomfortable around me the whole time, but I've no idea if that was because I was sick or for some other reason with similar timing). Grand scheme of things, time away from each other is almost certainly good. If we'll be friends again someday, I don't know. And weirdly, I don't care anywhere near as much as I'd expect to. My brain = strange place.
The week following was actually pretty awesome. I was back to only my normal levels of constant pain, which was very nice after a few weeks of less than pleasant. Monday, I went swimming with Meg. Tuesday, I don't remember at all but I'm sure I did something fun. Wednesday, I had lunch with Emily and price checked party supplies. Thursday morning, I bought 3kg of cherrios and a couple of packs of sausage rolls. After that I lunch with Greer and came home to do some cleaning. Friday, much cleaning and a bit more napping than I should have considering how much cleaning I wanted done. So after farmers' marketing with Greer and Dan on Saturday morning, I cleaned until I gave up and accepted defeat. There is a point when you realise that you can't have things perfect, and trying will just make you too tired and cranky to enjoy your own party. So I zoned out on the couch and then started the above entry just in time for Oli, Bridget and Greer to arrive (they came early as Oli and Bridget had Oli's work do to go to that evening) so the party was on. It was a good night, I had enough of a turnout to feel appreciated. I had seriously over catered. It was all pretty fun. Once it got to the point in the night when loudness would probably make the people downstairs dislike me, the party moved to town and met up with Oli's work do crowd, who were at South Bar by that stage. The night followed featuring Albar and Metro. I was far too drunk, but it was my birthday by that stage so that's okay. Come 4ish in the morning I was at Greer's eating marmite on toast and drinking herbal tea, talking crap with her and Oli. As I came home the sun rose.
So, I was tired on my birthday. The big night had really taken it out of me. I'm definately too old for that sort of thing now. I had lunch at the Turkish place in south D with my Dad and brother - mostly as I was craving salad and it was the nearest salad I could think of. In the evening it was mum's family's turn. They all gave me money, so come the next morning I got my dad to drive me around a few computer places to compare screen prices. By 10am I was home with a screen costing three times the money I'd been given, but which is awesome. Go the 1080 High Def LED screen. The only bad part is I had to loan a little money from my father to cover it and am now poor until rent from the new flatmate I've lined up starts coming in (he moves in around Christmas-ish). And to rub the poorness in my face, one of the fans in my computer is in the process of dying and it'll be a while before I can buy new bits and pay someone to put them in (I could theoretically do it myself, but my skills are too dated and poor and I'm just not confident that I wouldn't kill the thing dead). Otherwise this week has featured a nice swim on Tuesday, Emily's grad dinner at the Speight's Ale House (which was extremely nice - I recommend the Black Cherry Chicken), and having Korean for lunch today with Greer and Dan.
I also had a meeting with WINZ today. While they approved my doing one paper each semester next year, I have to go back next week as they are starting to sort invalidating me officially. Will have to see how that plans out, but I may get bumped to getting more WINZ support which may help with the getting the health system to actually do something helpful for me.

21st December 2009 - Thomas, Ap.
Friday, I went swimming and had a long chat in the spa to some random I keep talking to there. I may be making a new friend, though the last time I thought this nothing much came of it except a piking potential flatmate. In the evening, while I was blobbing, Oli dropped in to visit/kill time while he waited for Bridget to finish working. I also took my computer somewhat apart and used my vaccuum on it (exactly as you aren't supposed to) as the fans were so dusted up they weren't spinning right. Some day I should get cleaning equipment that is computer internal friendly - vacuums supposedly do them a fair bit of damage. Oh well, it still works for now.
I spent the weekend at home being a shut in. Quiet was exactly what I felt I needed, so that was what I got. I watched a bunch of Dollhouse, and am quite disappointed that there will only be three more episodes. And also that i have a bit of a wait before I can see them. Stupid Fox. Also, over the weekend, one of my friends started attempting to set me up with someone far too young and pretty for me. I was a bit thrown until I realised it was a ploy to manipulate people so that they took people she is already friends with as their plus-ones to her wedding in a few weeks time. Otherwise, I'd really not know what to think. I know Carla holds me in higher regard than I probably deserve, but I'm not young or pretty enough for what she seemed to be planning.
I've still done no Christmas shopping. I think I'll just end up doing it at the supermarket tomorrow. I'm a touch poor for real present after buying my awesome screen last week. I also spent a little on Amazon today, covering postage on stuff brought with a gift certificate I got for my birthday (finally giving me something to complain about Greer for, her and her irksome generosity - it shouldn't be allowed).
I must organise leaving the house today, I have to try not to let my runs of shut-in-dom get too extravagant.

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

November 2009

Exams is a goin'.

3rd November 2009 - Wenefred, V. and Mart.
The 21st did indeed feature me applying to be invalidated by the state. Have no idea how that will go, especially as the minister is trying to take out that benefit to get the walking wounded back on the factory floor. And I filed for special circumstances on my CHTH exam, and felt very dirty for doing it.
The next morning I had the exam. I did craptastically. I used the term heteronormative in an essay for a lecturer who hates any theoretical newer than new historicism. I shot myself in the foot. Then I jumped a bus and headed to Christchurch.
The following day I caught up with Wormgirl and wandered about Christchurch with her. Some people when you haven't seen them in years it is weird and wrong but with the worm it was just like always but with more stuff to cover in conversation. That afternoon when my dad finished work we went to Up in 3D. The new 3D technology works better than I'd expected, though it is not implemented as well as it could be in Up.
Falling asleep, will write more either tomorrow or after my final exam.

19th November 2009.
I suck.
Okay. My stay in Christchurch.... memory is vague. I went to Orana Park on one of the days in the weekend. Probably the Saturday as I caught up with an internet friend and was reminded why I'd stopped having internet friends on the Sunday morning, and slept the afternoon away. Orana Park seemed nowhere near as good as I'd remembered it being. I may have built it up since I was last there (when I was no older than 12). I like Wellington Zoo more, even if it is far, far pokier. On the Monday Dad and I headed off to do a road trip around the Port Hills - it didn't happen after Dad's car died out of spite. Then Tuesday morning I got back on the bus (with the same crazy driver) and headed back to Dunedin.
The following weekend I broke out a classic Halloween costume. Spur of the moment lazy costume making while drunk lead to a hilarious fake beard. It got a lot of laughs on the night, and a surprising amount of compliments from people on Facebook.
Then I managed to mostly fail to study for Latin. The exam was on the 5th. It went okay. I left over an hour early. It had a bunch of words that weren't from the vocab. But I'm still pretty confident.
The time since my exam has mostly been eaten by Spellforce and sleeping odd hours. I helped Oli and Bridget move into their new home on the 10th. Homeowners. Scary. And after months of nagging my ex to catch up, we finally did on Tuesday just been. Would have been a great night if not for my complete denial of reality and attempt to re-instigate "with-benefits" to a friendship that is on much rockier ground than I like to believe. Basically I was just destroying the "friend" part of the friendship even more. I have to sort my head out on that one. I may be on a dry spell that has got so long it is doing very bad things to my head but that is no reason to push things where I'm clearly not wanted. I'm a creep.
Also, I'm without the flatmate I had lined up. I saw him last Thursday and he offered to get the money right then for the two weeks he'd been technically my flatmate but not moved in and I stupidly said to worry about it in the weekend when he was to finally actually move in - then he moved somewhere else. He did pay me rent for the month though, and thanked me for not having got the money off him last week as then he'd not have ended up in the better place he is. Niceness was my downfall, a nice change from my usual self-destruction from creepiness.
Well, it's all full of gaps but I'm tired and realised I was never going to do it properly, so I declare this beast caught up.

25th November 2009.
It is Wednesday night, I've basically been in bed since Saturday night. Also, it's the 25th and I just realised my calendar is still on last month.
Friday Oli dropped by after work and we went for a walk on the beach to kill time until Bridget finished work. After a nice long walk along the beach we got back to mine and I had a couch surfer arrive. After we picked up Bridget and got dinner, many hours were spent by Bridget befriending Sarah the Couchsurfer. I think Bridget wanted to take her home and keep her. A pet swissperson. A bit after midnight Sarah went to sleep and the rest of us (we'd grown a Greer by this stage) headed to Oli and Bridget's to spend the next five hours going through Oli's records to help justify his keeping them (at least, that is what I think was going on - someday I'll be in a relationship and their dynamics will possibly start to make more sense to me).
In the morning I stumbled out of their house at about 9.30ish to get home in case my couchsurfer needed anything (of course she didn't), and the moment I shut the door as I left I realised I wasn't wearing my glasses. Assuming everyone inside was asleep and wouldn't want woken, I went home (via a breakfast of bacon at the farmer's market) without my glasses. This, as it turns out, was a bad plan. By the time I got home I felt like my eyeballs were burning (in that sunburnt skin sort of way). And here is where I did something very, very stupid. I decided since my eyes were already packing in, breaking out my other pair of glasses and them playing computer games would be a good use for the day. By dinner time my eyes had moved to the extremely bad sunburn (the sort that'll blister) feeling and my vision somewhat gave out. I spent a chunk of the evening talking to my couch surfer and then slept.
Sunday, my eyes didn't like me. I stayed in bed most of the day. Mostly just dozing but also reading the last short story in a book I keep meaning to return (having borrowed it in March). In the evening I got up only as I was expecting Midget. I got kebab for dinner and then hung out with her while my compuer utterly failed to do what I wanted it to do for her. Turns out the I have no technical nous.
Monday I didn't get out of bed properly at all. I woke to massive pain in one of my legs and couldn't put any real weight on it. Walking was going to be a bit ridiculous. So I spent the day sleeping and reading the new Pratchett (Unseen Academicals). In the evening I came n the computer just long enough to realise I really shouldn't be and the feeling crap and the pain had pushed me into a bad headspace. For the first time in a couple of months I was seriously thinking psych emergency services might be appropriate. Curling up in bed and sleeping it off also seems to have worked (though I may have re-made an enemy of Simon first).
Tuesday, leg still sore but walk on able. Still feeling crap though so stayed in bed and finished off the book and then read Definately Dead (which is terrible, but readable). In the evening I wased and got takeaways - just so as to have left the house for a little while.
Today, almost feeling okayish (well, as okayish as I get these days) again. Still avoiding the computer - writing this being pretty much the sum of my use of the thing today. My eyes have almost forgiven me for Saturday, they only hurt a little more than usual. The day was pretty much split between readings some of the many comics Tim from Whitcoulls lent me a while back, sleeping and eating insane qualities of carbs. Mmmmm, unhealthy eating.

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

October 2009

Exams is a comin'.

4th October 2009.
After the weekend being spent at home fighting with a super craptastic essay, I finished it in time to get some sleep and still only be ten minutes late to class on Monday morning. After my classes I printed the bitch out and went home.
Tuesday I had a Latin test and then plans to go swimming with Midget in the afternoon. The test went poorly. Worse than earlier poorly tests. I'd managed to forget almost all my adverbs, my future tense forms and the difference between 'do, dare' and 'ago, agere' (entirely different and unrelated words). Basically, I sucked the big one. After that I played a boardgame with Greer's Husband Dan for a couple of hours before meeting el Midget for swimming. We went to her house to get her stuff but the then going to the pool part never happened and was postponed until the following day.
The following day she postponed on me again, after I'd lugged swimming stuff with me again. I considering going swimming by myself, but decided I'd really rather not have to put on danp clammy shorts the following day (having only one set of useable swimwear).
So Thursday came around and after my classes I found swimming had been postponed again. I was now suspicious it wasn't going to happen this week, but let it slide as I've been feeling crap and decided a week off would probably be a good thing. I had lunch with Greer at the Taiwanese place by Eureka, it was delicious and in my price range. Woot. Thursday evening I went to my second professorial lecture of the week, it wasn't as informative but it had been showmanship and better food than the one I'd been to on Monday evening (when I should have been studying for my Latin test).
Friday I stayed in bed reading The Fifth Elephant until I finished it at about 2 in the afternoon, it was a good day. In the evening I went to Oli's work drinks so as to leave the house, but was still home relatively early.
Saturday I didn't go to the farmers market as I should have as I was supposed to be going swimming with the Midget - three guesses how that ended. It was rescheduled for the afternoon so I went on a Couplands bakery run to prepare (if very crappily having not bought the things I meant to) for next week. Then home and ready to go swimming to have her postpone again. Come dinner time I managed to literally set fire to rice risotto, stinking out my flat and meaning I had to open up my nicely warmed (by the sunny day that had now ended) flat to a very cold evening. Anson came to the rescue and shouted me dinner at the Esplanade. It was good. Later in the evening I went to town and had a drink and a long and somewhat inane chat with my token hot ex, who seems to have become some sort of missionary for triathletism. I mean, I get that people who find something that changes their life for the better want to share it with people, but I'd not think I looked like I was triathlonable. Managed to have a surprisingly good night out though, even ended up having a bit of a boogie with one of FiJohann's boarders.
Quite day in, that featured getting ready to go to the pool and being cancelled on again. Then heading to my grandparent's for dinner.
Today I'm a bit distracted with worry. I'm having oral surgery tomorrow and it has gone from seeming like nothing to being rather scary. I'm becoming quite disturbed about the pain (which is stupid considering how used to pain I'm getting) and about the chance I'll forever lose feeling in my lips and tongue (which is stupid as it is insanely rare). I worry too well.

11th October 2009 - Nicasius and his Compp., Martt.
Well, on Monday I went to my morning classes and did a last minute soup shopping mission at lunch time. Then it was oral surgery time. I ended up with a registrar (Hamish) doing the work, and it went sort of to plan. More bone had to be removed than they'd expected. But it mostly seemed to go fine. My forehead was totally numb - suggesting they had maybe over done the anaesthetic a little. I felt nothing. That night though, as things wore off, I felt very not good. I think the local and my regular meds weren't getting along as I hurt everywhere. And I had to wear a bag of frozen vege on my face for ten minutes every hour - which is less fun than it sounds. I was in enough pain that I ended up lying awake in bed until about 3 or 4 in the morning. It was not a good night to be me.
Tuesday morning I was awoken at 10 by the building fire alarm going off. The landlord having picked the best day ever to run the fire drill. Afterwards I had a day of wishing I was dead and eating yoghurt and ice cream without ever actually putting the spoon past my teeth, as I couldn't bring myself to open my jaw that much. Mostly I napped and read some of Terry Pratchett's The Truth. Tuesday night though, I was feeling utterly burnt out by all the doing nothing but otherwise pretty positive about being well enough for classes on Wednesday morning.
Wednesday morning was a lesson about hubris. I woke feeling like people had spent the night taking turns at kicking me in the face (having actually dreamed that that was happening (said dream also leading me to feeling very uncharitable toward a couple of my friends for the rest of the day)). So, I didn't make it out of bed and in to non-pajama-type clothing until Oli rang after work to say he was going to drop by. He raided my mp3 collection (which my iTunes has taken to eating (deleting whole albums, and renaming and moving others - losing them to itself in the process) - stupid crappy mac software, I wish horrible death on it and all of mac), and then Bridget made me a delicious dinner of very quishy filled pasta. I also discovered mixing alcohol with my increased cocktail of meds made me feel very, very nice to the point I didn't realise until too late that I was ripping my stitches and bleeding everyone. I are smart.
Thursday, I woke up feeling godawful again and with everything tasting of blood. So I didn't make classes I really ought to have from a passing my papers perspective. I did manage to make it out of the house though, meeting Greer and Dan to have soup for lunch and getting a hot chocolate with Emily. in the evening I had couchsurfers arrive, because I am too nice for my own good and let them stay even though I didn't want to have to have anything to do with anyone. They were Israeli. They seemed pretty nice, though I must admit I was feeling too crap to be very social. Managed to not get into angry politics though, which is the important part.
Friday, I told me couchsurfers how to get where they want to go look and went to bed for most of the day. And even after that ended up falling asleep straight after dinner and only waking at 10:30ish when the couchsurfers reappeared. At which point I realised I was getting petty and unpleasant so avoided them in the hopes they'd not notice. They left lunchtime-ish on Saturday. Since arriving on Thursday night they had each had four showers, and all of them much longer than could ever be considered necessary. My powerbill is going to notice that one. It's the first time I've had couchsurfers pay so little heed to what they were costing their host. I guess they did offer to take me out for dinner on Thursday, but I'd both already souped it and wasn't feeling up to eating in front of an audience that might be paying attention.
Also on Saturday, my dad arrived in town for the weekend, so I got so parentally sponsored groceries - which is always nice. In the evening I went to a BBQ. I pretty much just ate soft cheese and pavalova. Not the healthiest diet, but one that was very easy on the mouth of stitches. And I came home with a pile of comics I'll have no time to read until after my exams.
Today has been another of those not leaving the house days of which the last week has had many. My dad and brother visited though for about four hours and only left after I snapped at started shouting at them to piss off. Seems I'm not winning on the behaving like a human front. I've also been failing to do the Latin homework I have to get done, or any study for the Latin test I have tomorrow morning, which I've missed a chunk of the classes on so it's really going to suck. The pain was too distracting, and now overdoing pain meds in an attempt to fix it has left me dozy and zoning out constantly.

20th October 2009 - Edmund, K. and Mart.
On Monday (the 12th) I got my stitches out. There was some debate about it as I'm not healing as well as could be hoped, but it they were left it I'd just get infected faster. Monday night it all kept bleeding.
For the rest of the week it just hurt.
On Tuesday evening I went to a Chilean film with Oli, Mi mejor enemigo. It was actually very good.
On Wednesday night I managed to eat some solids, having steak at the casino to use up old vouchers.
Friday night I went to Oli's work drinks as someone else I know there was leaving and having a farewell thing.
At some point during the week, I think either Tuesday or Wednesday, I have got my CHTH essay back. I did poorly and have a C+ internal mark. And I had a talk to the lecturer who doesn't believe I can pass the exam. He suggested I apply for special circumstances, which I was pointedly not going to do, except that this week I've been crook on top of the still uncomfortable mouth and it's become pretty obvious that I am going to fail.
I am so very sick of being sick. Which is becoming a horribly over-used refrain on my part, but my patience is just entirely gone and there is still nothing I can do to make things better.
So it looks like tomorrow I'll go in and file as officially feeble, I'll have to skip swimming as I can't afford too much time away from study, as my brain is failing to hold things in and I need all the study time I can get.
Happy side of things, I'm off to see Dad for his birthday this weekend. So I've a long weekend in Christchurch. I'm leaving pretty much straight after my exam on Thursday. Will be good to get away and not have time to wallow in self pity after how shit the exam is going to be.

Sunday, 27 September 2009

September 2009

Likes Spring, but doesn't like anything else much.

1st September 2009 - Giles, Ab. Middle lessons of S. Priscus.
I keep not writing as I've mostly just been depressed which doesn't leave me much to write. Pretty much since the Monday when I found out Chay had died I've just be working myself further down a warm fuzzy depression positive feedback cycle - nothing like being depressed to get more depressed about. Fuck my brain is awesome.....
The week following the funeral, I don't really recall anything of note being done. I went to classes, though for the first time stopped being so good on getting all the homework done. I was just feeling shit and tired all the time. Mostly I just curled up and home and wallowed in my self-pity. It's a productive life-style choice.
I also got so glum I started chatting to internet randoms - that never ends well.
And venting my not-remotely-inner-needy-bitch at Simon is entirely a way to make friends an influence people. I'm not sure that he and I are remotely friends any more. But that is mostly because I'm a bit special in the head and completely failing t reading people at all - I'm pretty much defaulting to assuming everyone would prefer a world I wasn't in. And Simon is easy to interpret that way regardless of how nicely things are actually going. I really should have learned to talk personal shit with someone like Oliver - it's just never happened. I'm a complete fuck up - but I guess that fact that I know it makes it better.
I don't know why it's getting to me so much. I spent most of the last two years with constant drug-induced depression, having the same sort of thing but without the drugs to blame it on shouldn't leave me this much of a mess.
I'm a spaz.
And tonight the muscles in my arms keep twitching, it's driving me to distraction. I may have overdone things at the pool. Or possibly my meds are starting to not work so well.

6th September 2009.
The week of is over and I've not done my Latin homework - or thought about school at all. I've pretty much just spent the week curled up trying to overcome the feeling utterly burned out and mostly failing at it.
I'm still so tired, I don't want to go back to uni tomorrow. But admitting that is a slippery slope toward having to admit I'm probably too sick to be at uni at all and I'm not yet willing to concede that one....
On Wednesday, in an effort to stop just wallowing in my own depression, I made Anson come around for dinner of takeaways. It was good, though I think I was possibly a bit annoying. Afterwards I went to Oli's and watched OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies. While it wasn't as funny as its sequel, it was still pretty awesome.
Thursday I made a proper effort to be out of the house. I had lunch with Greer and afternoon tea with Emily before curling up on my couch and watching the first six episodes of the second season of True Blood.
Friday, Dad was in town so it went to family crap.
Saturday, I went to the farmers' market with Greer, watching some more True Blood and went to Oli's for a BBQ in the evening. Turned out I had too much underlying being depressed going on for drinking to be a good idea, so I sulked off home rather early. I also vented so depressed at an entirely unresponsive Simon - always a great way to keep someone on side.... I'm a tard.
After an early night, but not remotely good sleep, I rolled out of bed and tidied up in time to go to the first showing of Up for the day with my father and brother. It was a Fathers' Day thing - me being a good son and all that shit. Up was a lot of fun. Then an afternoon of too much family followed. In the evening I went to dinner with a big group to celebrate Andrea (whose 7th form formal I went to with her about 11 years ago) and Shannon (her husband) were back in Dunedin for the first time in many years, if just for the weekend.
And now I should go to bed. I'm in no way prepared for school tomorrow - but that isn't going to change tonight. The morning could be interesting, or I may just miss the first day back.

14th September 2009 - Exaltation of Holy Cross. Middle Lessons of SS. Cornelius and Cyprian.
The first week back at classes was mostly pretty uneventful. Regardless of how much I left stupidly early for classes I was late every day.
On Tuesday, on the way home, I borrowed Club Dead from Julie. It ate spare time over the next couple of days - and is terrible in an disturbingly compelling way. Season Three of True Blood will be insane.
On Wednesday I seriously over-did things at the pool. Having just finished a set of laps of breast-stroke that I'd added to my usual aqua jogging, I then bumped into my hottest ex (who since dropping me has become a triathlete) leaving me feeling crapper about myself than usual and leading to a bunch more exercise. After an extra hour of aquajogging I gave it up and headed home, where the pain I was in just kept on growing. Seems my body was not in the mood to forgive. It lead on to a very unpleasant night and a Thursday of feeling uncomfortable.
Otherwise the Thursday was good. Lunch with Dan and Greer. Catching up with Emily. A quiz in the evening where Dan, Greer and I bet Oli's team. We didn't win, but it was a victory of sorts.
Friday, I stayed in almost all day trying to recuperate, only leaving to pay a powerbill and get Indian for lunch. Sometimes butter chicken is just needed. In the evening I was planning to go catch up with Oli but it just didn't happen.
Saturday, I went to a rained out BBQ at Oli's and then out for a night of partying. It was a great night, though I probably should have stayed away from Johann's homebrewed vodka. Also should have avoided undie500ers, as one (who went by the name of Maggot) kept grabbing my arse - it was not pleasant. Turns out I don't get flattered as easily as I thought, I mostly just get creeped out. On the walk home me and Oli went via Castle Street, but we had missed the riots and it was just a bunch of police officers milling about and not really anyone else around. We ended up at the new Bowler just before it was closing. It was odd.
Sunday, after only five hours sleep I went to my brother's 21st birthday lunch and managed to not snap at anyone. Go me. Then it was home to pre-couchsurfer cleaning and doing study for Latin. The couchsurfers came and made dinner and were awesome.
This morning, I royally fucked up the Latin test though worked out almost all of the right answers on the walk home - which makes is so very much worse than if I'd not known them at all. My couchurfers made pizza for dinner tonight, it was great though I et far too much of it.

15th September 2009 - Oct. of Blessed Mary.
Today I was late to class for a valid reason, having bid my couchsurfers farewell before heading in. Federico (Fred) and Silvia were great - and two days of delicious (if somewhat late and cheese based - thus sleep disturbing) dinners.
After classes, I came home and slept most of the day away - yet still had trouble functioning this evening and staying up to watch Outrageous Fortune took real effort. Stupidly unhelpful four hour nap.
Time I go sleep, even if my Latin homework is not done.

22nd September 2009 - Maurice and Compp. Martt.
For a bit over a week I've been feeling the pain more than usual. Basically means I'm significantly less happy with the work and running with my not very latent death wish by working toward a death by heart disease before I'm 40.
I should write more, but right now I'm not in a writing (or Latin homework doing) mood.

25th September 2009 - Firminus, Bp. and Mart.
I should be most of the way through an essay. Instead it is unstarted as I feel like crap. The whole day that was supposed to be productive has been wasted doing nothing more exciting than sitting around feeling gross. Have just ordered pizza that I can't really afford. Pizza will make everything better.
So sick of being sick.
I have heaps to catch up on on this thing. I've been slack.
Last week, other that the Argentines, the week was mostly just feeling worn out and crappy with little to say for itself. On the Friday night I went to Oli's work drinks but then snuck off home early when he went out partying as I just didn't have any party in me.
Saturday, however, I did manage Fiona's birthday and had a pleasant afternoon-night out being social and passing as hominid. Otherwise it was a weekend at home, mostly in bed.
The week that follow, also not so exciting. I went swimming a day early so as to go with Claire. I went to a Qigong class which had me feel great afterwards until all the crap I'd not been feeling came back to get me. And it is now very late on Friday night and I have got nowhere in the essay I've been trying to work on all week. My brain hates me. I keep rereading the same articles over and over and retaining nothing.

27th September 2009 - SS. Cosmas and Damian, Martt.
My iTunes has 243 songs that haven't been played in over a year. It's randomiser sucks, I have the thing running more often than not and only have about a week on songs total.
Essay writing is still of fail. And stressing about it just makes my constant migraine sharper and with more of a twisting/pulling/tearing sensation which entirely fails to be fun.
Stupid daylight's savings. I had an hour stolen from me on a weekend when I need all the hours it has. I really shouldn't have gone to Oli's for dinner last night (even if it was a last chance thing as he is rudely moving away).

Sunday, 23 August 2009

August 2009

Is trying to resist the urge to commit homicide.

6th August 2009 - Transfiguration of Our Lord. Mem. of Martt. Sixtus, Felicissimus, and Agapitus.
The Latin test seemed to have gone very badly. Then I came home to my flatmate pointedly not moving out. On Friday, after my family visited, I packed up and headed off to Oturehua for the weekend with Oli. His annual birthday trip. The trip up went well, though it is disconcerting travelling through the country side in the dark and only seeing the little bubble lit by the headlights. With my head the way it is I kept seeing shadow animals on the road which made the whole thing more surreal that I was prepared for. Otherwise it was all sweet. We got there to find the place light and warm, Oli's dad having got the fires going and got everything set up and running. It was very nice. Then we settled in for a quiet night of talking shit with Oli's dad, step mother amd one of her friends. While we didn't really do anything much else, but still ended up having a very late night, which I made later by chatting with Greer for quite a while after we'd curled up in our sleeping bags.
On the Saturday, after a breakfast of Coco Pops, we went walking along the river and a bit of the rail trail. There was mocking of livestock, some climbing up the side of bridges, some almost killing myself and some unsucessfully jumping over small streams (splashing Oliver in the process). The dam was a little frozen, but we watched as it cracked and moved under the weight of a couple of swans walking across it (walking swans have absolutely no grace at all) so it was pretty clear that we'd not be going on it. Then we headed back to town and pottered around there for a while. In the evening we dined on roast goat - which was wonderful. I decided to stop after only a couple of beers, and thus was token sober for the night. Articulate was then played - but people (and by people I here mean Bridget) were too drunk and it ended up getting a little on the messy side with insults and general bitterness about the result (my team having won and, thus, not Bridget's). Otherwise it was another good night, though I snumck of well early and slept while the rest of them had the good night without me.
Waking on Sunday morning, rolling over and seeing Greer in my jersey was entertaining. She was punishing me for being chivalrous by keeping the jersey I passed her when she'd been shivering. Sunday was pretty relaxed. A very long breakfast turned afternoon tea, followed by a nice quite wander up a hill and then the drive home.
Monday I had classes. Getting up for them didn't go great and I ws a bit late, but that happens.
Tuesday much the same. Except for having to deal with my flatmate being drunk and stoned. That guy really has to leave my house. He is pissing me off so very, very much but is convinced that we're getting on great and that if he just keeps trying I'll take back the whole kicking him out thing. And smoking up in my flat and them making out like it was some divine right was pretty much insult to injury. The guy really does have to realise that just because he doesn't agree with limits doesn't mean that he is magically immune from people holding his breaking of said limits against him. Then after the being annoyingly over friendly, he started doing such fun stuff as going through my stuff, including dumping out drawers to see what was in them. And still he can't see why he isn't good to live with, and even gave a big speech about how respectful of other people's privacy he was. Complete fucking pillock. He also started demanding I give him various things he'd picked up and decided I didn't use enough. He also demanded I give him my Gameboy - which I have since realised I've not seen in over a month and that both it and my small stash of games for it are very much missing. I was having a bit of trouble resisting the urge to call the cops on him for smoking up in my house, and the more I think about it the more I regret not having done it.
I was woken in the night by him bashing around in the kitchen, and singing about making baked beans. He'd also helped himself to a bit of my food, thawed out a box of frozen fish I'd bought and generally made a mess of my stuff.
Wednesday this week was even harder than normal, thanks to my sleep being disturbed by the great fucktard. My class was followed by a nice long relaxing swim. Then dad took me out and I got properly fitted shoes. turns out my foot is a 4E (fancy code for too wide footed for wide fit shoes) - which means the store only stocked one style wide enough and it is pretty damn ugly, and stil pinches and feels too tight. After a nice long nap and a half arse attempt at cutting my hair I had dinner with Aaron and the Lord's Recovery lot (after they turned up while I was in PJs about to flag eating and just go back to bed - having completely forgotten I'd agreed to dine with them).
Today, classes, followed by a weeks worth of being properly social. I caught up with Mike the Canadian, after several months of being "technically friends" we've now talked in person twice ever. It's a bit odd and reminds me why I don't do new people, especially internet people. Then lunch with Greer, which was very nice even if I forgot to give her the heavy book I'd carried around for her the whole day. And after doing my Latin homework, I had a nice afternoon tea with Emily. I got home to relax and my dad and brother turned up, dad baring takeaways - which is always a good thing. Then my git flatmate came home and started smoking up again, getting the smell through the whole place and leaving me feeling quite sick. I'd been feeling shit enough without that. So I've had an evening of the shakes, pins and needles in my hands and wishing horrible death on my flatmate. He also couldn't pay the rent, but them got cranky at me for not appreciating the awesomeness of the $150 worth of fancy dope he had (oh, and I was threatened in the thinly veiled way by one of my neighbours about my flatmate owing her money for drugs). I really don't know why I haven't just called the cops on him. I'm too freaking nice for my own good.

16th August 2009 .
Friday and the weekend went to my CHTH essay on the comparative Greatness of the saint, Pope Gregory I. Well, apart from a Friday night out with Oli and Greer, and a quick sunday afternoon trip to catch OSS 117 - Lost in Rio at the Film Festival. It was freaking awesome, and much better than I'd ever expect from the French. I also used my study break to prove my gameboy stuff was nowhere in my house.
Oh, on the Friday i'd also been to a lawyer and been suggested to get a trespass notice and serve it against the great git.
Monday I ended up sitting in the library finishing up what in the end was a very shit essay. The rest of Monday and all Tuesday I don't really remember anything of at all apart from being very tired.
Wednesday I seriously considered wagging class, due to being too tired to think. I ended up only going as my flatmate had come hmoe and his being there was making me want to be elsewhere. So I went to Latin and failed to take in anything before heading to the pool and all but falling asleep in the aquajogging lane. Then home to a nap and much Latin study.
Thursday morning I was late to CHTH for the third time this week. Then I had a Latin test which was again less than ideal. My brain is failing to hold declension tables.

23rd August 2009 - SS. Timotheus and Appollinaris. With Nocturn. Vigil.
I'm just going to carry on from the last as a semi-continuous as I keep getting distracted.
That Thursday, after my Latin test, I went to the police station to report my stolen Gameboy Advanced and games. They were all, sucks to be you fill out this form until I mentioned my flatmates name and suddenly the receptionist pulled the form back and made serious "oh" face. So I was sent to talk to an officer and they were all pretty much of the "get him out of your house" opinion. It was a bit full on, and I was feeling a bit like I was throwing around accusations a little readily and they were being too quick to jump on them - I had nothing to say it was him rather than someone he'd let into my house though the police were pretty confident it was my flatmate. After lunch with Greer and catching up with Emily I came home and noticed the empty game boxes had been moved. The two so old they were un-sell-on-able had been put back into the wrong boxes. So I asked my flatmate what the fuck was going on - turns out this was the wrong thing to do as it just gave him a chance to get rid of any evidence before the police arrived. He even snatched the boxes and made a big show of putting his finger prints on everything - confirming in my mind that he was entirely at fault. As such I served a trespass notice on him and he came back on the Saturday and moved his stuff out. I may be several hundred dollars out of pocket (not even counting stolen stuff) but it's worth never getting the money to have him gone. Though I did discover later that while he was moving out he stole some more stuff, mostly some food and all my clean tea towels. Complete cockface. And still had the nerve to give a big speech about how good he'd been to me. I think I'll go sans-flatmate for a while.
On Monday I got my Latin test back - and had genuinely earned myself an A in it, which was a relief (the CHTH essay came back later in the week, with much less flattering results). Then I had my locks changed, just to be safe. That night I found out one of the guys from the soccer group (as not so much a team) I was in before I got sick had died over the weekend.
All the excitement of de-creepy-flatmating my flat meant that by Tuesday I was already tired and failing to get things done. Though on Tuesday night I went to a movie - which I really shouldn't have as it left me feeling very unwell (District 9 is pretty awesome though and was probably even worth how sick it left me feeling).
Wednesday, I came very close to wagging but somehow made it in and to the pool afterward (where I just soaked and didn't actually swim at all (no-one tell Canadian Mike)). Then I slept the afternoon away and still ended up having an early night.
Thursday, after classes I ended up going home much earlier than I usually do on a Thursday, which was very much needed as I needed another day of mostly napping. And in the evening I had the arrival of couchsurfer. So I spent the evening chatting to him and making him watch Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog before a reasonably early night.
Friday morning, funeral. I missed the fact everyone was supposed to wear green, so I dressed tidy and respectful in the usual funeral way. It was a nice service though, for all that I really hate funerals and really would rather just pretend death didn't happen. There were more people than could properly fit in Hope & Sons, and the speeches were pretty good. After the service there was a wake of sorts at the Kensington. I wanted to go home and sleep but ended up staying and getting horribly drunk. It then moved to the Botanical Gardens were we ate takeaways and got drunker still. I was home and wasted off my head by about 9 - when I ened up drinking more with my couchsurfer and then tumbling in to bed too far gone to go out again as I was sort of supposed to (having come home to get the meds I'd forgotten to take with me).
The weekend following has pretty much been spent curled up at home recovering. I'm feeling very burnt out - which is weird as I've not actually done all that much. I'm not looking forward to waking up for class in the morning.

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

July 2009

Probably about to start failing undergrad.

2nd July 2009 - Visitation of Blessed Mary. Mem. of the Martyrs.
Tuesday, I went to see teh new Transformers movie with my dad and brother. It was entertaining, if more than a little terrible. It proved that complete crap can be a lot of fun to watch. In the evening I blobbed at home and got an email from an italian PhD student with an out of date flatlist, so the room shouldn't be empty too long when I get cranky.
Wednesday morning I was cranky and all up to give Eamon marching orders, but he didn't get up until I was heading off to the swimming pool. The exercise was good, though I have to go more often as I'm spreading out into a giant blob of lard. I got home to the flat full of spray making it nasty to breath in. I guess some things don't change - I was just glad I had left my bedroom door closed. Much of the day was spent hiding in my room while I aired out the rest of my flat. In the evening I headed off to dinner with Oli (as he and Bridget had just got back from Wellington), meeting up with Camilla as she was passing through town. It ended up an expensive night - awesome food though. I also got myself invited to Queenstown for the weekend, though I really can't afford to go. Stupid being on the dole. Someday I need to find out if I'm eligible for the invalids benefit as I'd then at least be less poor. I also didn't get home till one in the morning.
Today, I pretty much spent entirely in bed finishing off Soul Music. Will now have a break and read some library books I have out before getting back to Pratchett.
Right now I'm more than angry enough to kick my flatmate out, but as I may be going to Queenstown, I think it'd be better put off until I get back - I don't trust him not to steal or trash my stuff while I'm away as it is.
And tonight I'm feeling more neurotic than usual, so I'm off for an early night before I start entirely fucking people off ('people', here, probably just meaning Simon).

5th July 2009.
Kicking out my flatmate went much easier than expected, as soon as I started steering the conversation that why it turns out he feels I've been being an arsehole to him and was pretty keen to move away, so I didn't end up actually having to do any kicking. The thinking that I'm an arsehole thing explains why he has been avoiding me so much recently. It seems that by not stopping to talk to him in town or to introduce him to my family, I had offended him horribly. I guess it works out well for everyone then.
Wait, he just came out to rant some more about how unpleasant I am in general and how I make everyone uncomfortable. I supposedly scare his daughter so much they don't like visiting him. Go me.... or something. I think I have more proof on the being a monster front.
So, other than the being a monster, what've I been up to. On Thursday night I curled up and read Gifts by Ursala Le Guin, which I finished on Friday morning. After finishing it I went to the library and swappedit for a grown up book. While I can reread books, and am mostly okay with kids books, new grown up books aren't going so well. I like Paul McAuley's books a lot (well, maybe not a couple of the more recent ones), and this one features most of the things I most like about his writing. The problem is that I'm comlpetely failing to follow the story, my brain is just sucking. I don't think it is even that complicated. I'm just too darn stupid.
On Friday night I was all packed and ready to head off to Queenstown for the weekend when Oli rang, about when I was expecting him to pick me up, to say they'd cancelled it due to road conditions (which is probably a good thing both for safety and for stopping me bankrupting myself). I ended up spending the night watching TV at Oli's instead.

10th July 2009 - Seven Holy Brethren, Martt.
This morning I finished Voices, the sequel to Gifts which I read this time last week. I should have been doing Latin study but it is going so badly that it's making me physically unwell. Turns out that I'm sick enough these days that it takes bugger all to push me across in to not being able to keep food down. It's just plain unpleasant. My tolerance for being sick is very much running out. In the next couple of weeks I have to sort an doctors visit and go yell at his irrationally a little - it'll make me feel better. I may even have to find out if I'm eligible for the invalids yet - for while it would be accepting defeat a little, it'd make me less poor and take the sting out of the finacial unpleasantness of the last flatmate. He hasn't been here since Monday morning but hasn't moved out. I suspect I'll be stuck with him for a couple of weeks with him not paying rent. And I'm guessing there is no chance of geting money for the power bill out of him (especially as I've yet to get the money for the last one - and he couldn't see how he wasn't the perfect flatmate...).
Otherwise the week that was. Saturday night I went to a party with Oli and forgot that I'm a complete light weight these days. Thus I was still a bit drunk heading in to Sunday afternoon, when dad took me to Couplands. Passing the flatmate when on the way to dad's car was one of my great crimes. Crazy people who think it's rude for me to not introduce my dad... anyone who has met my dad know's it is the introduction that is the unkindness. I think all that followed is covered above.
Monday, I spent in bed reading Paul McAuley's The Quiet War, while I enjoyed it a lot I had significant trouble following it. It had too many intertwined narratives for my crappy sickly brain to keep track of. Tuesday followed much the same. I finished the book just in time for How I Met Your Mother on Tuesday night.
Wednesday, I spent attempting Latin study. It didn't go well. It didn't go well at all. Basically I just made myself sick and got nowhere. It was basically a day of bad. In the evening I went to South D and had mixed grill from the Turkish place just to get away from myself a bit before I went completely bonkers.
Thursday, I went in to uni with Bridget and course approved. Mine went much slower than hers, between the classics line moving insanely slow and everyone generally being confused by CoP students and not knowing which boxes to tick. This was followed by stalking Greer to work and going to lunch with her and Bridget. Frank Sandwhiches in the link are actually pretty good. After getting an ID photo where I look like I've been slapped upside the head, I abandoned Bridget at UBS (where I bought my overpriced Latin textbook) and went on a delivery mission passing DVDs from Alana on to their intended target. Then back to English where I borrowed Emily from her office and was social for a good chunk of the following afternoon. Come dinner time I couldn't bring myself to cook so conned my father into shouting me dinner out. It was good, though I ate far too much salad.

15th July 2009 - Trans. of S. Swithin & Compp.
The being up and at it every morning with classes is taking it out of me a lot more than I'd like. Seems there is a limit to how much I can trick my body in to forgetting how sick I am and that I've passed said limit. I'm feeling burnt out and very gross.

23rd July 2009 - Apollinaris, Bp. and Mart.
On Sunday (the 12th) I had grandparent dinner and spent it trying to no argue with my mother who seems to be going out of her way to be disagreeable. After which I headed to quiz for a night of winning and putting the other teams in their place. Then sleep in preparation for classes.
The following morning was freaking cold. The iciest day of the year so far by a lot. And while I left with an extra quarter of an hour to get in, I was too cocky to take my bright red fuzzy over socks, so I ended up almost twenty minutes late to class after things proved much slipprier than I'd have believed possible when I set out. Fortunately, both my classes the first day were just prelim introductory sorts. I seem to recall going a bunch of other stuff at uni that day before coming home, but can currently remember none of it.
The Tuesday morning was frostier but not as icy, and with my fuzzy red socks on I ended up a class a bit on the early side.
It turns out my Christian Thought class is very much aimed at Theology students and takes modern Anglican style Christianity as true and mocks everything that disagrees with it. It may not prove as useful as I had hoped. Meanwhile Latin is proving hard with homework for every class, some of which he takes in but all of which needs done as you never know which ones he is going to take it. I also suck at remembering to check number for verbs - which is stupid as it changes in English so it shouldn't be that big a thing. So basically, I Latin to English semi-ok but my English to Latin is shocking.
Wednesday I ended up running the SFT table at Clubs day for pretty much the whole day, even after being quite clear I was there for an hour at most. I am too much of a soft touch.
Thursday Greer surprised me by shouting me lunch at the Food Department, which was very nice.
Thursday night and Friday afternoon/night both ended up being spent with my father and brother. Free dinners are all good, but me and my brother do continue to grate on each others nerves.

27th July 2009 - SS. Seven Sleepers, Martt.
Okay, the last entry stopped midway as I had couchsurfers arrive, and writing this thing while I had company would be rude.
The weekend following where I left off (that of the 18th and 19th) was mostly pretty uneventful. I went out to FiJohann's to watch the rugby on Saturday night and on Sunday we won the penultimate casino quiz night.
Second week of lectures was frosty morning free. It was however far too busy for me. Being slightly social with Meg and Tavendale (both were down from Wellington to check in on their respective mothers (both of which had some health issues going on)). I did manage to get myself to the pool twice, making Mike my internet friend happy with me for the first time ever (for some reason he is very invested in my exercising, but not at all in having anything to do with me - it is very, very weird). The general amount of stuff done meant that I pretty much spend all the rest of my time in bed feeling like shit. Over the last couple of weeks I did get Powers (the sequel to Voices mentions a few weeks back) read. Yay childrens books - the only things I can actually read. I also made it to the new Harry Potter movie and to Coraline at the Regent (thus on a screen of awesome).
Last night was the final casino quiz (now cancelled as a cost cutting thing), we came second. The important part is that X-7 came third and that as we'd won the penultimate and antepenultimate quizes there is no way that X-7 can feel they had any claim on anything prestige wise.
I'm too sick to be doing as much as I did last week and I'm suffering for it now. I'm also having a lot of trouble keeping up with my papers, two weeks in and I feel like I'm about a week and a half behind.
Today, I went to my doctor. Seems the neurologist I had is pretty much the best in the country, so I've pretty much been dumped into a diagnostic dead end and nobody cares anymore. Out of frustration and a bit of accepting defeat I've applied for the invalids benefit. unfortunately it seems had I allied for it before the uni thing it'd have all worked easy and made sorting going to uni much easier too but having signed up to uni already may make me ineligible. While the extra money isn't that big a deal it would help with things - especially as the prospective new flatmate I had lined up has pulled out due to having signed up somewhere else weeks ago and having forgotten to tell me. And Eamon will be gone soon - he had mostly already gone but then reappeared (paying 5/9th of the backrent (which is about 5/13th of the total money he owes me - most of which I know I will never see)) on Thursday when my couchsurfers meant I couldn't make a big scene about it.
The couchsurfers were awesome. They cooked for me and cleaned up after themselves.
I should be doing Latin homework, so as to hold off failing the course a little bit longer.

29th July 2009 - SS. Felix and Faustus.
Latin sucks. Studying for the test tomorrow is going very, very badly. My head just seems to be refusing to hold anything much in.
Yesterday on the way to uni I was shat on by a seagull - it set the tone for the day. I may have only have two hours of classes but by the second of those I was feeling very gross and just wanted to be in bed. So pretty much, once class was done, after a quick detour to advertise my soon to be spare room (the Italian Marine Science student decided it didn't sound suited to his needs - weeks ago but didn't bother to tell me until I emailed to confirm his arrival date and see if he needed anything sorted) I came home and napped most of the day away. In the evening I did my Latin homework, managed to stay awake for Outrageous Fortune, and then slept. Through the night I also pulled out my crazy and took it out on Simon to the point I'd pissed him off so much he wasn't even willing to give me enough of the time of day to tell me to fuck of. I suck as a friend.
Today I almost didn't make it to class for the second Wednesday in a row. It seems the third day in a row of classes is the point where my body just starts to refuse to work right. I don't think I took in anything at Latin today. Not helpful with an assessment test tomorrow. Then I went to the pool for a quiet soak posing as exercise. For about forty minutes of my aquajogging I had someone talking gospel at me, which while it stopped it being boring did make it a bit annoying. Since getting home I've napped, attempted to learn some Latin, flooded my kitchen by completely zoning out while filling the sink to do dishes, and eaten soup.
Time I go study some more. Though if the Latin test goes badly, it may be time to conceed that I've bitten off more than I can chew and drop one of my papers.

Monday, 29 June 2009

June 2009

Life chugs along.

Texts From Last Night (416): moral of the story ? theme parties + no morning after clothes= never again. . . i just met his father in a bumblebee costume

2nd June 2009 - SS. Marcellinus and Peter, Martt.
I am very glad of my friends. My weekend would have been very, very bad if there hadn't been a bunch of rescuing me from myself going on. I'm choosing to believe it's part of the crazy I was warned would come with the coming off my old meds - rather than I unheardof new side effect from teh new meds or just my brain finally shattering under the strain of things - but my brain keeps hauling up old crap. Basically stuff I've repressed is pouring back in and catching me unawares. Regrets, hurts and imagined slights going back to childhood. Stuff I didn't really remember had happened of until it came back in surprising detail. Basically - Matthew is of crazy.
But as I said, friends are good. Friday night, Oli hosted a trivial pursuit night at his mother's (as she was away so her house was used for free heat). Saturday morning through mid-afternon I spent hanging out with Greer, first for the farmers market then just chatting at her house. Sunday, I blobbed with Oli for a while before quiz in the evening. Yesterday, Greer sorted a play date for me and her husband (Age of Mythology: The Boardgame was played, and Dan won again). Basically, yay for people.
Today is the first time I've had any alone time since before the weekend - so it's been a day of cranky unpleasant headspace. Come dinner time I decided I needed a cheering up, so went and had absolutely delicious dinner at the turkish place by Cargill's corner On the way home, after all the fixating on the headjob the drugs are doing on me, my actual issues decided to remind me that they were still there. All the pleasant of the dinner is done and gone. I hate being sick. Tonight, I'm basically just wondering why I didn't do myself in when I was on meds that gave me a decent excuse / out. Hopefully Outrageous Fortune will distract me enough to make me feel a little better about life.

Texts From Last Night (703): Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

4th June 2009.
I didn't sleep well last night. My head felt like something was trying to rip it apart. So today I'm cranky and own one fewer sets of PJs and many more rags. I was also swearing at inanimate objects within minutes of waking up. Go Matthew of Unpleasantness.
Otherwise yesterday was okay. I had a quiet one at home watching the many, many tradesmen at work on the building (I think someone had laid a complaint as a bunch of unrelated things were being done at once). The weirdest part was seeing someone look in my kitchen window.
In the evening Anson invited me over to the house he is housesitting for dinner. It was nice, and rescued me from needing to grocery shop for another day.
Today, I wrote the start of the above and then got distracted. After nodding and smiling while my flatmate talked at me for a while I hit the swimming pool. What I've not done today is grocery shop. So it's now passing dinner time and I've no food. I would just not eat, but I'm supposed to always have food with my new meds. Stupid meds that need food with them.
I probably should go to the supermarket though. With the way I'm currently behaving I'm pretty sure I'm making enemies of at least Simon (and if my current headspace has any hold on things at all I'm pretty sure he all but confirmed that it is a friendship entirely in my head and he wants out (my headspace isn't necessarily remotely based in reality right now - I'm feeling pretty not good in general - so I guess time will tell as to if it is wrong/completely bonkers or actually taking in something of the world around me)).
Time to go buy stuff. I think I might head in to a town supermarket as pak'n'save when I'm already this depressed seems to be taking things too far.
I went to town to get Indian food for dinner and buy some groceries. The Indian didn't pan out, I got cheap Japanese instead. It was very nice, but for some reason I spent teh whole meal trying not to burst into (entirely irrational) tears. It wasn't so much fun. I also found myself considering looking in to the emergency psychiatric services. I'm not sure I'm actually what they would count as crazy but I'm much closer than I am remotely comfortable with. The trip to the supermarket went better. When I was about to collapse into a puddle I bumped into someone I knew from Chem (Tash) and was pleasantly distracted into conversation. Then a short chat with a former chemling (Theo) was followed by my stalking Katie around the supermarket for a while while she vented her inner Whedon-fangirl at me. Made the evening much better than it had been.
I got home and found my flatmate had gone to bed already - unless I failed to notice, this is his first time actually sleeping here. I'm still not convinced letting him move in was a smart idea. But then, what is the worst that could happen?
Well, he could damage my books - but other than that there isn't much to worry about.

7th June 2009.
Friday was good. Time spent with Emily and then the evening with Oliver and co. made it all a good day. It seems at the moment being around my friends does very good things and being alone (especially with the internet) does very bad. I did, however, drink far far too much on Friday. I only realised that it was too drunk rather than pleasantly drunk when I went to pee and weird time perception had me convinced that I'd been peeing so long that I started to panic that I'd be peeing for the rest of my life. Fortunately that was one irrational jump my brain caught itself doing and went "oi, no! Stupid drunk person" at me. Then I got home at almost 3am and instead of sleeping got distracted by the internet and news that Neil and Amanda were the new alternative culture power couple - and while drunk found this both extremely important and disconcertingly wrong.
Yesterday, I mostly stayed in bed until sunset. My flatmate was being annoying (as seems to be his only setting) and so I stayed in bed and alternated between rereading Guards! Guards! and sleeping. I mostly only got up at sunset as my flatmate was playing (and singing along badly to) very crap metal far louder than was necessary. I may yet have to kill him in his sleep. Then I sorted dinner plans with Greer and got myself out of the house. We ended up meeting up with Oli later in the night (I seem to have spent the whole weekend at Albar) and I ended up quite drunk again. Being around people is good, and drunkeness isn't too bad either.
So far today I've mostly just been in bed finishing off the book from yesterday. I are lazy.

9th June 2009 - Trans. of S. Edmund, Mart. Mem. and Middle Lessons of Primus and Felicianus, Martt.
I hate having a flatmate. He's been behind on the rent for the last couple of weeks, which isn't a good start. Today, the first time a powerbill has come since he arrived, featured a discussion on how much of the bills he'd pay that really didn't match the agreement made before he moved in. Basically it is looking like he's going to as finacially irksome as the last one, if not more so.
Add to that the fact that ever flatmate I've had is progressively worse at cleaning dishes than the one before. Allan may have just failed to get dishes clean but still feel the need to wash them in tiny frequent loads. The new one does the same except seems to make some of the dishes dirtier than they'd started. Then there is the fact he goes through my stuff. Talks all the time, including trying to strike up conversations with me when I'm in the shower (which makes me extremely uncomfortable, I don't even like someone in the room when I shower if it's someone I'm "with" (not that that has happened in an extremely long time)). And he keeps helping himself to my food. Including my cheese. I can barely afford cheese as it is without someone making off with chunks of it.
Basically, I'm not happy.
And once again I have a deoderant overuserer. Admittedly not as bad, but still enough to make me feel unwell in my own home.
And then there is the dog. He brought round his kid's dog. I explained that the lease strickly forbid dogs in the building. then I find he has let the dog back in since, and that it peed in the hall and he didn't bother clean it up as "a bit of a dribble never did any harm" - so I have soaked in pee smell in my flat. I hate people so much. How hard would it have been for him to pour some disinfectant on it - I have plenty of Pine-O-Cleen around this place.
Then he has the nerve to rant about how people aren't clean enough for his tastes.
His sole redeeming feature is his having had a go at the crazy dog lady - even if it did force me to conceed that in this case she was in the right (I'm not a fan of the crazy dog lady being in the right...).
And there is the smoking. The one thing I made a definate point about when he moved in was that he wasn't a smoker. It turns out that was a complete lie. What is it about smokers and being liars.
And I won't even get started on the way he talks about women, lest I end up with an angry mob with pitchforks and flaming torches on my doorstep.

11th June 2009 - Barnabas, Ap.
My other, new complaint about my flatmate are more irrational. Touching things on my desk. Not something someone sane would find some infuriating. Putting my DVDs back not in alphabetical order. Again not something so offensive to the sane (borrowing them and taking them to his daughter without my actual permission, however, probably slides in as a sane complaint). Rearranging my stuff in the refridgerator, probably not as huge an offense as it is seeming right now, even if he has bruised all my apples in the process. And the whole leaving the bathroom light on at night thing is really only a problem because of the stupid design of my flat and the dumb ways it gets natural light in to the middle - but when it wakes me up in the middle of the night it does make me quite cranky.
But time to get back to my life and stop just venting the constant stream of anger that has invaded it.
Sunday night I survived a family dinner with little actual arguing. There is always some as of me, my brother and my mother, there is not a single tolerable human being. Then off to quiz and quiz victory. Winning is good. Though the fact the quiz master keeps calling me Timmy is becoming less funny and more irksome.
Monday, I don't remember anything other than being annoyed. I'm such an angry little sphere of unpleasantness.
Tuesday, I ran some errands just as an excuse to not be in the house.
Wednesday, I spent the whole day in PJs hiding in my room reading Moving Pictures. Nothing to exciting to say for myself on that front.
Today, I went swimming and then for a playdate with Dan. Bridget was also there so for once the boardgame didn't end in Dan winning. It did, however, still end in my losing by lots. Afterwhich we headed up, with Oli and Greer, and had dinner at Jitsu. Then home to a night of my ranting at the interweb like a complete crazy.

13th June 2009.
Tonight I'm off to dine with cultists again. I don't really understand why I keep going. Each time I go just makes me more depressed at how easily otherwise intelligent people are talked into going along with complete retardedness. They are all so well meaning, but somehow fail to realise they are being tricked in to not thinking even remotely critically about what they are being indoctrinated with, all the while claiming to be free of doctrine and having on the truth of the bible. Whatever power is making often quite intelligent people so happy to turn off their brains, it could be used for good instead of evil but it never is.
Friday was a pretty busy day. I went in to WINZ and was told I was allowed to study 8 hours a week. Then the WINZ woman took me through to studylink where they required I do two papers, so by defining study time as class time I think I keep everyone happy. Then it was off to uni to enrol in Intro Latin 2, and Medieval Christian Thought and History. Both should act to make my supervisor happier with me. My supervisor was happy, but still responded by evicting me from the postgrad office. So I spent a chunk of the afternoon packing up my thesis. Then I met Emily for afternoon tea. It was mostly good, even if I did have a spectacular display of lack of internal filter. Bringing up something that is pretty much the most shamefulthing I have ever done in conversation, yeh that is how you make friends and influence people.... I need to think first and then not speak at all. It was like on Sunday night when I started conversation with my quiz team with "Don't breathe near me, I threw up on the way here. I need a mint" and then, after finding myself a mint, turning the conversation to whether or not it counts as sympathic vomit if the smell setting it off is from your own earlier illness. Exactly the way to make the quiz team like me, just when they are ordering their meals. I'm awesome.
Just back from dinner with the cultists. It was a smaller group and longer stay (due to watching the rugby (grrr at the french for winning and for being so aesthetically unappealing, they were like trolls mated with neanderthals)) than usual. The different dynamic made me realise that while they are mostly nice but deluded, some of them are just plain not people I'd really want to know. I'm a judgemental bitch. And being all full of Dandelion and Burdock (ie. sugar) probably doesn't help with that, it making brain speeds interesting.
I also ate too much dairy, between the nachoes of cheesiness and the ice cream. Tonight's sleep may not go awesomely. Cheese is so delicious.
Anyway, I'm off to watch something off the DVDs I received in the post today from Alana and then sleep poorly.

14th June 2009 - Basil, Bp. and Conf.
Cheese dreams were go. Featuring my competing in the Otago University Steam-powered Manned Flying Machine Championships. I even won for a couple of years in the dream narrative, but them I started slipping back. And when I tried to make a comeback a bunch of contestants had worked out how to make a machine from just a candle and a carafe of water that could carry their weight. My machine no long stood a chance. Ah, cheese dreams.
I have to spend today reorganising my flat to make room for all my stuff from the office without the place being too cluttered to function. Stupid actual stuff to do.

16th June 2009 - Trans. of S. Richard. Middle Lessons of Ciricus and Julit[t]a.
The reorganising didn't get so far, I ended up watching a buch of Sarah Jane Adventures instead. I did finally fix my vacuum cleaner hose, and then used the thing about the house. I also put my thesis keyboard into my computer at home, and then taking my old keyboard apart and clean out its inners. I've still got the thesis one plugged in, as it is much newer and USB (which I feel must be better than PS/2, otherwise why would they have changed). Actually using it currently has me very much unconvinced. Sunday night, casino dinner followed by an entertaining quiz. We did only come second, but we didn't lose to X-7 (the team we strongly dislike) or to Mark's team (thanks to winning the tie breaker). It was again a case of our lowest scoring rounds being the ones we had doubled up on.
Monday, I went off to school and got a load more of stuff. Mostly just a bit load left to do now, for which I am going to borrow someone with a car - otherwise it was be many annoying little runs. I got home to a flat that smelled just enough of smoker to thoroughly piss me off, fortunately my flatmate headed off to his girlfriend's for the night and I had the place to myself. Even though it was very cold and airing the place out was an exercise in unpleasantness for me. I had a nice night in front of the TV though.
After a lot of trouble getting to sleep, due to feeling very unwell, I woke up at about 8:20 in the morning to the noise of children laughing. Turned out to be a sign of a snow day. Not bad snow considering how on the flat I am these days. Had a lived on a hill the snow might have been worth leaving the house for, instead it just led to my spending the day in bed and failing to go to the office. It was all fine until my flatmate came home. After he'd done out for the second time in about an hour and brought a cloud of smoke smell back in with him I decided it was time to discuss the issue. I had been very specific that he was only allowed to move in if he wasn't a smoker and that his having misled me on that was causing problems. he decided my problem was that I was in a mood and all that actually everything was fine. In the process I also discovered that he'd been smoking in the stairwell, something I know I had mentioned wasn't acceptable but which he couldn't see the fault in. Basically, he's a big ball of selective hearing and it seems he's not really taking in anything I say. Looks like I may actually have to sort some sort of official warning on paper if he's going to actually listen to anything I say. Which will atleast leave a nice paper trail when I finally manage to kick him out - he really does seem to be going out of his way to be difficult to live with.

19th June 2009 - SS. Gervasius and Protasius.
Wednesday I sorted official advice, from student advocacy and from Housing NZ. Seems I'm legally entitled to give him the boot on relatively short notice. I got home from finding this out to a flat sprayed so full of air freshner that it literally hurt to breathe. Unfortunately, I remain to nice for my own good.

20th June 2009 - Trans. of S. Edward, K. and Mart. Unless it shall have been kept in Lent.
Really not convinced about the new keyboard, probably should go back to the old reliable PS/2 one.
Anyway, where I was before I pottered off. Thursday I went and saw the Dunedin Community Law Centre - they are wonderful folks. Seems I have all the grounds I need for the kicking out, and have no legal responsibilty to give much notice - I was recommended two weeks. So now I'm trying to be tolerant and give the guy a chance to prove less of a cunt. Also on Thursday I finished moving all my thesis related stuff out of the office.
Friday, I went to the department and finalised the having left the office, giving back the keys and so forward. Then I had afternoon tea with Emily, who had just submitted her PhD. It's always nice when friends lives go well. Not that I'm some sort of reflected glory slut or anything... much. Then it was off to a protest for pay equity, which made me feel old. The night that foolowed was one of me following Oli around.

23rd June 2009 - Etheldreda, V. With Nocturn. Vigil.
This is filling up with gaps. That sounds so very wrong, and as a metaphor it fails. But I'm too tired to fix it. And it is only tea time.
I'm still trying to find redeeming features of my flatmate, but I'm becoming uncertain he has many, or even any. He did just offer some leftover pie to me for dinner. It wasn't goo dpie, but he didn't have to offer it. Argh, it's thinking like this that leaves me not kicking him out even after he made the place physically painful to breathe in again today.
I was good and went to the pool today, having not managed it last week with the sorting thing and the moving out of the English department. I'm so very unfit. And so very fat. I'm a blimp, but one that sucks at flying due to being seriously heavier than air (though possibly lighter than water - fat floating and all).
Yesterday I had afternoon tea with Emily at the Perc. It is was, though I realised how long it has been since I went to the Perc. When I was a teen it was one of my favourite places. I even met one of my favourite people there (well, after a bunch of mIRC time first). I guess I just don't really do cafés that much anymore. I don't really leave the house as much as I should. Hopefully my papers will work and getting me to a place where I can fake being human.
The news is making me angry - they misrepresent things to make them more shocking far more than actual news has any business doing. They aren't the New Truth and TV Extra.
They are almost as bad as John Key.
My brain is all over the place. Attempts to actually write this thing proper aren't going to come to anything so I shall accept defeat and leave even more gaps.

25th June 2009.
Tired and cranky, that's me. I've spent a few nights recently awake and feeling sick. During those night's I've realised that I've nothing to complain about, as I'm better than I was this time last year. I can pretty much spent a day in bed reading now without too much problem (except for very fizzy memory of what I read) whereas a year ago that much using my eyes would have ended badly. Part of me wonders if this is just a sign I'm getting better at ignoring things rather than being any better. Must try to be positive though. Not quite sure why, just know it's what I should be doing.
Yesterday I went to Starbucks in Dunedin for what I am pretty sure was the first time - and based on how crap the hot chocolate was it shall likely also be the last, the stuff was grainy and vile. I was there to finally meet the internet friend I mentioned in this thing back in April. I was pretty sure the whole thing was basically a long chain of me making bad impressions and generally coming across as someone noone would want to know. Which is a shame as I was pretty much won over and think I'd entirely found someone I could put up with adding to my social group. I guess time will tell. After that the day was uninteresting (ie. I don't recall anything worth note). I did stay up for the Terminator: Sarah Connor final. It wasn't a bad way to end a show, I guess. Though cliffhanger season enders work better when the show isn't cancelled.
This morning, having slept in until a little too close to lunch time, by the time I'd had my breakfast and breakfast meds and a shower it was time I headed off to a lunch I'd RSVP'd to. I got there in time though, and had a pleasant lunch with some PhDers from English. On the way home I picked myself up a copy of Pan's Labyrinth on DVD. I like it.
I need to go sleep, while books and me mix better now, me and screens still have issues and this thing does require screen time.

29th June 2009 - Peter and Paul, App.
Friday, I don't remember at all, so I'm going to assume I mostly just stayed in bed and read Lords and Ladies. In the evening I took Tavendale out for dinner since he was down from Wellington and I'd finally given up on saving casino vouchers for Simon. The dinner was very nice, the casino throwing me by having an entirely new menu with none of the things I was expecting on it except the steak - which I got as to ease myself in to the change. After a rather nice dinner, and doing the hot beverage thing at Nova, I inflicted Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog on him as he had somehow missed it last year when I was inflicting it on everyone else. Was a good evening.
Saturday morning I rolled out of bed and down to the farmers' market to meet Greer. I didn't end up buying much except an expensive and unhealthy breakfast. Mostly I just talked Greer's ear off. Somehow a surprisingly social few days still had me ranting at people as if I was a people starved as usual. Then after a bit of blobbing at home and reading, I arranged my father as transport and headed to Sawyer's Bay for a midwinter christmas thing with my godsprogs. It was a big organised pot luck thing, and while it was mostly very good there were just too damn many children there. My children tolerance isn't all it could be. And as I get older it seems to be getting less and less. After the party Midget and her minion dropped me home, so I could curl up in bed and finish Lords and Ladies and completely forget to watch Louis Theroux.
Sunday I dozed until I realised I was running out of time to get to a celebrating diversity (ie. gay rights thing) that my friend V (she who had her birthday at the strip club earlier in the year) had helped organise and threatened to disown any of her friends that didn't turn up. So I got myself there. It was mostly pretty forgettable, though I had a nice long chat with Emily of Oli's work, who I don't talk to all that often. There was a capoeira performance that was pretty awesome, it made the whole thing worth while. Though dragged down a little by Pont being part of the group, making its folk-dance-ness a bit too obvious - some people are just nature's Morris dancers. After the thing, I headed to Nova with Emily from Oli's work, and Salena (who I know through Rachel). Afterwhich I somehow ended up going to the I was Russia thing at the art gallery with one of Salena's friends. Quiz in the evening went okay. It was just Greer and me - which really means it was just Greer. We still tied for second though, even after somehow getting zero in a double up round.
Today, I've mostly been in bed reading Men at Arms. That and worrying about going back to undergrad. With the way my brain is going I'm getting pretty worried that I have signed up to publicly embarrass myself. And I think I picked up a cold of some sort over the weekend - which fails to make me happy.

Friday, 29 May 2009

May 2009

Feeling the cold the way people not me do has put me off winter.

8th May 2009.
I've been leaving the house even less than usual of late. The big dose change of two weeks ago was followed by two weeks of feeling sicker than I've got accustomed to. In the last week I went to X-Men Origins: Wolverine with my dad and brother (I was a bit disappointed and my expectations had started pretty low), had takeaways from Little India with Oli, Bridget and Greer, and then today actually left the house under my own power for the first time all week, for fasting blood tests and then morning tea with Emily. Otherwise I've done very little except prove that my head space is not compatible with trying to make a new internet friend. So apart from today, if other people hadn't sorted me I'd have spent the whole week in PJs, and even today it took the combination of Emily and bloodtests I kept putting off to actually get me up. I'm ceasing to be people.
The week previous, I got the filling fixed (by a properly right handed dentist and it all went quickly and smoothly). In the weekend (other that was significantly antisocial (I was holding out for the possibility of things that were never going to happen - I'm less realistic than I'd like to believe I am)) we won quiz comfortably, which made up for the previous week.
Last night I dropped my dose down for the last time before I'm off completely. Combined with the fast for the bloodtests I've been pretty damn unpleasant today. I am pretty sure I didn't take it out too badly on Emily though and haven't really seen anyone else, so I guess it's okay.

17th May 2009.
I've not been writing as for the most part I've been curled up in my flat feeling fucking aweful. The coming off painkillers, for all that I'm sure it is worth it, is going out of its way to make it suck to be me.
The weekend after I last wrote, I went to Ian's 31st birthday. While I really enjoy the company of Ian and Carla, I always forget when they invite me to things that I tend not to enjoy the company of many of their friends. So while it was good to get out of the house, and there were a few people it was good to catch up with, I mostly spent the night feeling like an unwelcome outsider. On the Sunday I went to the library and picked up Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which I will get read soon and so far am very much enjoying.
The week was pretty quite, though I managed to not dinner at home once all week. Monday, Wednesday and Saturday were all Jesus-over-kill (my cult tolerance got stretched a bit far, I may have to avoid them and their free food for a while so as to not snap and kill them all). Tuesday and Friday both went to getting takeaways with Oli and Bridget - before seeing Star Trek and the before going to the 24 hour booksale respectively (English fail, but I'm too tired to correct). Thursday I had dinner with dad before he shipped off to the tropics, and tonight was quiz (we came second after the dastardly Mark Forbes turned up with a team and picked their double-up rounds better).
For all my nights of out of the houseness, the week was pretty quiet. Have got a new flatmate, though am yet to really interact with him in any way. He's dropped off his stuff but has been staying with his partner and kid so far. I'm a little suspicious he may only be living here so his partner is eligible to get the DPB. But that is just my cynicism talking (being I know nothing about him) and I'm not too worried anyway.

18th May 2009.
There were a bunch of things I'd intended for the last entry to contain, but I was too tired and cranky for it to have happened. Now I'm having issues remembering what exactly they were - possibly proving I really should have written them. It's a bit alarming how much this thing is now written for me to refer back to to fill myself in rather than just a way to vent. Stupid crappy Matthew brains - probably wouldn't even make good zombie food.
On the Tuesday before I saw Star Trek, I watched a bunch of Disney's Gargoyles. The show has aged better than most of the things I remember from my childhood. It is good, but not as good as I'd thought. Star Trek was also less than awesome. My opinions may be coloured by how gross I was feeling through it. And the combined screen time that day lead to a Wednesday that was mostly spent in bed feeling miserable.
On the Thursday I stalked Emily a bit so as to be around non-cultists (which seemed important after Wednesday evening), and picked up the end of Joss Whedon's Dollhouse off Robin.
Friday night the booksale was a very unproductive exercise. I spent about four hours there late on Friday night and stopped through quickly on Saturday morning. in all that time I bought not a single book, and mostly was focused more on not falling on the books I was flicking past than actually taking in much of what they were. I think it was probably all the elbowing from strangers that set it off, but I was having a night when people touching me was pissing me off a lot. Normally I'm pretty comfortable with physical contact even from people I barely know, but on Friday everyone seemed to be touching me and it was fucking me off (especially someone rubbing my belly while commenting on how much fatter I'd got). I'm an irritable old git, but at least I'm self aware.
Today I've been in PJs all day, and mostly in bed. The only time I properly faked being out of bed was when my new flatmate's parole officer came to check he actually lived here.
Sleep time.

23rd May 2009.
Tuesday I ran errands, played 'puter games and read in bed. Nothing exciting at all.
Wednesday was extremely cold so I literally didn't get out of my PJs the whole day. In fact I didn't get out of bed until dinner time (other that quick missions to the kitchen etc.). I stayed in my nice warm bed (winter and being soft and both making me appreciate the awesomeness of my expensive mattress - it is proving worth it) and finished of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. The book, while entertaining, has a frustrating number of Americanisms and could very much have benefited from an English editor. Wednesday night I was bad and ordered pizza, mostly out of laziness and a little out of celebration it was my last time taking the pain meds I've been on since late 2007.
Thursday I went to the pool, walking there and about town after in shorts and jandals even though there was snow on the hills about town. It wasn't actually that cold, and I'd soaked up extra heat from the spa.
Thursday night/Friday morning was a little unpleasant as my body realised it'd had no painkillers since Wednesday. Not a great feeling. Still, on Friday morning I rolled out of bed, through the shower and into too many layers of clothes and went to varsity for morning tea with Emily. I'd never been to the Fix in the Centre of Innovation, it turned out to be a pretty good use of the space and relatively free from dirty undergrads. All one could ask for. And I had a nice chat with Emily, who semi-knows both the people who have been attempting to befriend me via the internet and was giving her opinions. Afterwards I walked her back to her hall and then pottered home. Late afternoon I headed to Oli's work drinks - a little too excited that I was now allowed to drink for the first time in going on 18 months. So I nursed a bottle of Greenman Stout over the two and a bit hours I was at Oli's work before we headed to town and ended up watching the rugby at Ra Bar and eating beer battered chips. Then after sitting around at Oli's and me polishing off a bottle of Greenman's whisky oak aged bock (also over a couple of hours - I was taking things slow to be sensible) and having a disagreement with Oli's couch (which pushed me off on to the floor - really) we headed off, a bit after midnight, to the party that was our official like plans for the evening (and my third a final Greenman). I should not have drunk what I did. Being unused to drinking the beer hit me stupid hard. I'm hoping I didn't do/say anything too embarrassing. I know I was oversharing at Greer a bit much (she was getting the sort of stuff I usually bottle and only vent at Simon). Hopefully she is forgiving enough, or was drunk enough, that it doesn't leave her all judgey at me. by the time I got home, at almost 4am, I was feeling extremely unwell.
Sleep, fortunately, can do wonders. All that feeling unwell from not really that much alcohol lead to waking up feeling a bit tired by otherwise pretty fine. Significantly better than the morning before anyway.
Sleep needed, and today wasn't that interesting.

25th May 2009 - Aldhelm, Bp. and Conf. Middle Lessons of S. Urban.
I feel like a great big dirty liar every time someone asks me how I am. I'm like some monster of falsehood. That I come from a culture where the correct answer to "how are you?" is always "fine, and you?" doesn't seem to reduce how much the ritual makes me feel like I'm perpetuating some great falsehood. This has been bugging me slightly more and more every time I've been asked over the past year or so and I'm getting to the breaking point. And it is all so ridiculous.
On the topic of ridiculous, the last two nights I've pretty much not slept at all. It seems I had very much underestimated what that last tiny dose of my pain meds was actually achieving. And there is no lack of trying - being just now up from an eleven hour marathon of failing to sleep. So basically I lie awake feeling shit. The bad part of lying awake is that it leads to thinking. No good ever comes of thinking. Then add in the fact that it is thinking while everything hurts and that thinking that can never end well gets a taint of extra crankiness. At some point over the recent nights of sleeplessness I realised that while coming off the drugs has taken away the emotional impetus to top myself it has also taken the logic impetus against doing such away with it.
Basically, I've swapped one lot of unpleasant for another. Which I knew I was doing I just didn't realise quite how the levels of unpleasant were going to compare.
I should push off and get food before this rant gets dire.
Lunch was had, then the afternoon was spent watching some Q.I. that Simon gave me a month or so back when I saw him and dozing on the couch feeling crap. Against my better judgement, and based mostly on needing to get away from myself, I went with Oli to another quiz tonight. It turned out to be a pretty awesome evening at the University Oval. We managed second in a quiz significantly about cricket, which was a pleasant surprise and Tim, the guy I didn't really know who we were helping out, was very happy with us.
I'm sure there was a bunch of other stuff I intended to write earlier today but didn't trust myself not to go all crazy person about at the time, but it has for now slipped my mind so is probably nothing too important. I should head off and see if sleep goes any better tonight. It now has the extra problem of having two long nights of very bad sleep giving my bedroom a bit of sick person smell - which is off-putting at best.

26th May 2009 - Augustine, Apostle of the English.
Last night I caved and dug up my sleeping pills. So I slept last night it made things much less shit this morning they they have been. The only real downside was that it left me feeling well enough that I went cycling. Turns out I'm still just as not well enough for cycling as I've been in ages. I came off the bike multiple times, once tumbling slightly closer to traffic than I was even remotely happy with - and as such I don't see cycling happening again any time soon, the streets have got all the Matthew skin I'm willing to let them have for a while more.
I seem to be doing a good job of avoiding cult dinners so far this week, which I'm guessing is a good thing after having worked out why I go to them last Saturday while talking to Simon. Which is too complicated for me to explain right now. It is also another example of Simon making me realise things. It'll be the one advantage if he should dump me as a friend again (I've had a slightly irrational conviction that exactly that has been coming grow over the last year (possibly just as he has a life and thus I don't really ever see him - I'm pretty sure I've only caught up with him socially twice in the past year, not counting when he fixed my computer, and the first of those two times is pretty close to being a year ago)) is that it will make it much easier to lie to myself.
Time I sleeping pill it up again, hopefully after tonight I'll feel like I've actually caught up on a bit of the missed sleep and can then try doing without chemical help to get there. I hate feeling like I need drugs.

Texts From Last Night (215): i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"

27th May 2009.
Pills or not, sleeping last night wasn't so productive an activity. On top of the normal pain my shoulder was sulking about it's introduction to the intersection of Andy Bay Rd ond McBride St.
My body sucks and my brain isn't doing much better. Talking to a friend who has come off the drug I just came off, I've been warned I could have up to six weeks of bonus levels of crazy as it slowly gets purged from my system. That wasn't something my GP thought to mention. Stupid doctors (on which topic I have an appointment this afternoon).
The doctors visit happened. My blood tests results all came back very good except for my liver which is struggling under all the meds I've been on. So I guess, though my doctor says it should be fine, I shouldn't get trolleyed too often. My cholesterol, being the biggest surprise, is back were it was years back, making me look all healthy or, possibly, part sheep. He also ruled all my bicycle tumbling injuries to be non-serious, though suggested that I stick to walking for a while. And I'm stating on new meds which will leave me dozy and off my game for at least the first few weeks. Up side, my blood pressure is entirely not high any more. In fact, maybe it's getting a bit low.
I guess so long as I sleep then I shouldn't complain too much.
I'm a little worried by the way my new flatmate went through my meds cupboard on Saturday when he was here. I don't think I have anything worth stealing, but the way he was going though the stuff still put me on edge. Mostly I just have views on space that is mine versus space that is shared, and it seems my views are not shared by my flatmate on the issue. He also started throwing out stuff on my desk. My desk may be a mess but everything on it is on it for a reason and it's my freaking desk. Basically his hanging out on Saturday was an exercise in making me wish I'd not let him move in.

28th May 2009 - Germanus, Bp. and Conf.
One or both of the lack of sleep and the changing of meds hit me much harder than I was prepared for last night. A comment no more snide than people make to and about each other all the time sent me entirely over the edge. I was pretty much at the limit of how angry it is possible for me to be. I had to pace around my flat concentrating on calming myself down to not punch my computer screen and even when I'd got past the urge to do violence on my own property I could think of nothing to say that wasn't an irrational string of the sort of four letter words that are generally frown upon in polite company. So, with me still being me it seems, I apologised (having not actually said anything to give a context for apologising) and went to bed. Did make me glad I rarely see actual people, as I'm not confident I could have resisted the urge to punch him in the face has his comment been spoken rather than typed - and I'm going to be a friendless old git fast enough without doing anything like that.
I suck as people.
Basically on all fronts.
I've a best friend and closest confidant (the spelling has no 'e' when it's a dude, right?) who I'm pretty sure wishes I didn't exist, or at least they we'd never met. Most of my other friends are only friends with me because they are either likers of everyone (like Oli, who does seem like like freaking everyone) or those who go out of their way to be tolerant (which possibly makes me a charity friend).
My brain both hurts and fails to work. I should give up on this whole trying to use words thing.
I have to stop fucking apologising all the time.
And I have to stop being such a self-involved cunt. While I've always been far more wrapped up in myself than I've any right to be, spending so much time alone and sick has made me so very, very much worse. It seems everytime I talk to anyone all I talk about it myself, even in mixed company. I'm becoming entirely unlikeable.

29th May 2009.
Okay, so opening this thing three times before lunch yesterday. Not the best look. Then I distracted myself with toasted pita bread - scalding myself biting into it and leading to a blister on the edge on my lip - looked terrible yesterday today it just looks like herpes (making it novel, as I've never had a coldsore). Then, come lunch time, I headed up to the pool and aquajogged until everything hurt, and then a wee bit longer. Turns out exercise made the whole sulking about falling off a bike thing my shoulders were doing hurt a bunch more. Sometimes muscle pain is good though, it distracts nicely from the pain I have all the time. I then wobbled home to spent the afternoon zoned out and uncomfortable. As cooking dinner I realised I was going to end up repeating the night before if I stayed anywhere where communicating with people was a possibility, so after dinner I watched Futurama and then, at 7:30, headed off to bed to read stuff I'd borrowed off my brother (a bunch of Season Eight Buffy, and issues 25 through 30 of Runaways - something I think I will have to buy myself the set of, or at least read all the earlier ones).
Today I've had a lazy one pottering about at home and doing absolutely nothing. I've not really read anything or watched anything. I'm actually at a bit of a loss as to where the day went. Anyway, I'm about to head out and be social. It being Friday, Oli is making me go out and act like a human.