Life chugs along.
Texts From Last Night (416): moral of the story ? theme parties + no morning after clothes= never again. . . i just met his father in a bumblebee costume
2nd June 2009 - SS. Marcellinus and Peter, Martt.
I am very glad of my friends. My weekend would have been very, very bad if there hadn't been a bunch of rescuing me from myself going on. I'm choosing to believe it's part of the crazy I was warned would come with the coming off my old meds - rather than I unheardof new side effect from teh new meds or just my brain finally shattering under the strain of things - but my brain keeps hauling up old crap. Basically stuff I've repressed is pouring back in and catching me unawares. Regrets, hurts and imagined slights going back to childhood. Stuff I didn't really remember had happened of until it came back in surprising detail. Basically - Matthew is of crazy.
But as I said, friends are good. Friday night, Oli hosted a trivial pursuit night at his mother's (as she was away so her house was used for free heat). Saturday morning through mid-afternon I spent hanging out with Greer, first for the farmers market then just chatting at her house. Sunday, I blobbed with Oli for a while before quiz in the evening. Yesterday, Greer sorted a play date for me and her husband (Age of Mythology: The Boardgame was played, and Dan won again). Basically, yay for people.
Today is the first time I've had any alone time since before the weekend - so it's been a day of cranky unpleasant headspace. Come dinner time I decided I needed a cheering up, so went and had absolutely delicious dinner at the turkish place by Cargill's corner On the way home, after all the fixating on the headjob the drugs are doing on me, my actual issues decided to remind me that they were still there. All the pleasant of the dinner is done and gone. I hate being sick. Tonight, I'm basically just wondering why I didn't do myself in when I was on meds that gave me a decent excuse / out. Hopefully Outrageous Fortune will distract me enough to make me feel a little better about life.
Texts From Last Night (703): Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
4th June 2009.
I didn't sleep well last night. My head felt like something was trying to rip it apart. So today I'm cranky and own one fewer sets of PJs and many more rags. I was also swearing at inanimate objects within minutes of waking up. Go Matthew of Unpleasantness.
Otherwise yesterday was okay. I had a quiet one at home watching the many, many tradesmen at work on the building (I think someone had laid a complaint as a bunch of unrelated things were being done at once). The weirdest part was seeing someone look in my kitchen window.
In the evening Anson invited me over to the house he is housesitting for dinner. It was nice, and rescued me from needing to grocery shop for another day.
Today, I wrote the start of the above and then got distracted. After nodding and smiling while my flatmate talked at me for a while I hit the swimming pool. What I've not done today is grocery shop. So it's now passing dinner time and I've no food. I would just not eat, but I'm supposed to always have food with my new meds. Stupid meds that need food with them.
I probably should go to the supermarket though. With the way I'm currently behaving I'm pretty sure I'm making enemies of at least Simon (and if my current headspace has any hold on things at all I'm pretty sure he all but confirmed that it is a friendship entirely in my head and he wants out (my headspace isn't necessarily remotely based in reality right now - I'm feeling pretty not good in general - so I guess time will tell as to if it is wrong/completely bonkers or actually taking in something of the world around me)).
Time to go buy stuff. I think I might head in to a town supermarket as pak'n'save when I'm already this depressed seems to be taking things too far.
I went to town to get Indian food for dinner and buy some groceries. The Indian didn't pan out, I got cheap Japanese instead. It was very nice, but for some reason I spent teh whole meal trying not to burst into (entirely irrational) tears. It wasn't so much fun. I also found myself considering looking in to the emergency psychiatric services. I'm not sure I'm actually what they would count as crazy but I'm much closer than I am remotely comfortable with. The trip to the supermarket went better. When I was about to collapse into a puddle I bumped into someone I knew from Chem (Tash) and was pleasantly distracted into conversation. Then a short chat with a former chemling (Theo) was followed by my stalking Katie around the supermarket for a while while she vented her inner Whedon-fangirl at me. Made the evening much better than it had been.
I got home and found my flatmate had gone to bed already - unless I failed to notice, this is his first time actually sleeping here. I'm still not convinced letting him move in was a smart idea. But then, what is the worst that could happen?
Well, he could damage my books - but other than that there isn't much to worry about.
7th June 2009.
Friday was good. Time spent with Emily and then the evening with Oliver and co. made it all a good day. It seems at the moment being around my friends does very good things and being alone (especially with the internet) does very bad. I did, however, drink far far too much on Friday. I only realised that it was too drunk rather than pleasantly drunk when I went to pee and weird time perception had me convinced that I'd been peeing so long that I started to panic that I'd be peeing for the rest of my life. Fortunately that was one irrational jump my brain caught itself doing and went "oi, no! Stupid drunk person" at me. Then I got home at almost 3am and instead of sleeping got distracted by the internet and news that Neil and Amanda were the new alternative culture power couple - and while drunk found this both extremely important and disconcertingly wrong.
Yesterday, I mostly stayed in bed until sunset. My flatmate was being annoying (as seems to be his only setting) and so I stayed in bed and alternated between rereading Guards! Guards! and sleeping. I mostly only got up at sunset as my flatmate was playing (and singing along badly to) very crap metal far louder than was necessary. I may yet have to kill him in his sleep. Then I sorted dinner plans with Greer and got myself out of the house. We ended up meeting up with Oli later in the night (I seem to have spent the whole weekend at Albar) and I ended up quite drunk again. Being around people is good, and drunkeness isn't too bad either.
So far today I've mostly just been in bed finishing off the book from yesterday. I are lazy.
9th June 2009 - Trans. of S. Edmund, Mart. Mem. and Middle Lessons of Primus and Felicianus, Martt.
I hate having a flatmate. He's been behind on the rent for the last couple of weeks, which isn't a good start. Today, the first time a powerbill has come since he arrived, featured a discussion on how much of the bills he'd pay that really didn't match the agreement made before he moved in. Basically it is looking like he's going to as finacially irksome as the last one, if not more so.
Add to that the fact that ever flatmate I've had is progressively worse at cleaning dishes than the one before. Allan may have just failed to get dishes clean but still feel the need to wash them in tiny frequent loads. The new one does the same except seems to make some of the dishes dirtier than they'd started. Then there is the fact he goes through my stuff. Talks all the time, including trying to strike up conversations with me when I'm in the shower (which makes me extremely uncomfortable, I don't even like someone in the room when I shower if it's someone I'm "with" (not that that has happened in an extremely long time)). And he keeps helping himself to my food. Including my cheese. I can barely afford cheese as it is without someone making off with chunks of it.
Basically, I'm not happy.
And once again I have a deoderant overuserer. Admittedly not as bad, but still enough to make me feel unwell in my own home.
And then there is the dog. He brought round his kid's dog. I explained that the lease strickly forbid dogs in the building. then I find he has let the dog back in since, and that it peed in the hall and he didn't bother clean it up as "a bit of a dribble never did any harm" - so I have soaked in pee smell in my flat. I hate people so much. How hard would it have been for him to pour some disinfectant on it - I have plenty of Pine-O-Cleen around this place.
Then he has the nerve to rant about how people aren't clean enough for his tastes.
His sole redeeming feature is his having had a go at the crazy dog lady - even if it did force me to conceed that in this case she was in the right (I'm not a fan of the crazy dog lady being in the right...).
And there is the smoking. The one thing I made a definate point about when he moved in was that he wasn't a smoker. It turns out that was a complete lie. What is it about smokers and being liars.
And I won't even get started on the way he talks about women, lest I end up with an angry mob with pitchforks and flaming torches on my doorstep.
11th June 2009 - Barnabas, Ap.
My other, new complaint about my flatmate are more irrational. Touching things on my desk. Not something someone sane would find some infuriating. Putting my DVDs back not in alphabetical order. Again not something so offensive to the sane (borrowing them and taking them to his daughter without my actual permission, however, probably slides in as a sane complaint). Rearranging my stuff in the refridgerator, probably not as huge an offense as it is seeming right now, even if he has bruised all my apples in the process. And the whole leaving the bathroom light on at night thing is really only a problem because of the stupid design of my flat and the dumb ways it gets natural light in to the middle - but when it wakes me up in the middle of the night it does make me quite cranky.
But time to get back to my life and stop just venting the constant stream of anger that has invaded it.
Sunday night I survived a family dinner with little actual arguing. There is always some as of me, my brother and my mother, there is not a single tolerable human being. Then off to quiz and quiz victory. Winning is good. Though the fact the quiz master keeps calling me Timmy is becoming less funny and more irksome.
Monday, I don't remember anything other than being annoyed. I'm such an angry little sphere of unpleasantness.
Tuesday, I ran some errands just as an excuse to not be in the house.
Wednesday, I spent the whole day in PJs hiding in my room reading Moving Pictures. Nothing to exciting to say for myself on that front.
Today, I went swimming and then for a playdate with Dan. Bridget was also there so for once the boardgame didn't end in Dan winning. It did, however, still end in my losing by lots. Afterwhich we headed up, with Oli and Greer, and had dinner at Jitsu. Then home to a night of my ranting at the interweb like a complete crazy.
13th June 2009.
Tonight I'm off to dine with cultists again. I don't really understand why I keep going. Each time I go just makes me more depressed at how easily otherwise intelligent people are talked into going along with complete retardedness. They are all so well meaning, but somehow fail to realise they are being tricked in to not thinking even remotely critically about what they are being indoctrinated with, all the while claiming to be free of doctrine and having on the truth of the bible. Whatever power is making often quite intelligent people so happy to turn off their brains, it could be used for good instead of evil but it never is.
Friday was a pretty busy day. I went in to WINZ and was told I was allowed to study 8 hours a week. Then the WINZ woman took me through to studylink where they required I do two papers, so by defining study time as class time I think I keep everyone happy. Then it was off to uni to enrol in Intro Latin 2, and Medieval Christian Thought and History. Both should act to make my supervisor happier with me. My supervisor was happy, but still responded by evicting me from the postgrad office. So I spent a chunk of the afternoon packing up my thesis. Then I met Emily for afternoon tea. It was mostly good, even if I did have a spectacular display of lack of internal filter. Bringing up something that is pretty much the most shamefulthing I have ever done in conversation, yeh that is how you make friends and influence people.... I need to think first and then not speak at all. It was like on Sunday night when I started conversation with my quiz team with "Don't breathe near me, I threw up on the way here. I need a mint" and then, after finding myself a mint, turning the conversation to whether or not it counts as sympathic vomit if the smell setting it off is from your own earlier illness. Exactly the way to make the quiz team like me, just when they are ordering their meals. I'm awesome.
Just back from dinner with the cultists. It was a smaller group and longer stay (due to watching the rugby (grrr at the french for winning and for being so aesthetically unappealing, they were like trolls mated with neanderthals)) than usual. The different dynamic made me realise that while they are mostly nice but deluded, some of them are just plain not people I'd really want to know. I'm a judgemental bitch. And being all full of Dandelion and Burdock (ie. sugar) probably doesn't help with that, it making brain speeds interesting.
I also ate too much dairy, between the nachoes of cheesiness and the ice cream. Tonight's sleep may not go awesomely. Cheese is so delicious.
Anyway, I'm off to watch something off the DVDs I received in the post today from Alana and then sleep poorly.
14th June 2009 - Basil, Bp. and Conf.
Cheese dreams were go. Featuring my competing in the Otago University Steam-powered Manned Flying Machine Championships. I even won for a couple of years in the dream narrative, but them I started slipping back. And when I tried to make a comeback a bunch of contestants had worked out how to make a machine from just a candle and a carafe of water that could carry their weight. My machine no long stood a chance. Ah, cheese dreams.
I have to spend today reorganising my flat to make room for all my stuff from the office without the place being too cluttered to function. Stupid actual stuff to do.
16th June 2009 - Trans. of S. Richard. Middle Lessons of Ciricus and Julit[t]a.
The reorganising didn't get so far, I ended up watching a buch of Sarah Jane Adventures instead. I did finally fix my vacuum cleaner hose, and then used the thing about the house. I also put my thesis keyboard into my computer at home, and then taking my old keyboard apart and clean out its inners. I've still got the thesis one plugged in, as it is much newer and USB (which I feel must be better than PS/2, otherwise why would they have changed). Actually using it currently has me very much unconvinced. Sunday night, casino dinner followed by an entertaining quiz. We did only come second, but we didn't lose to X-7 (the team we strongly dislike) or to Mark's team (thanks to winning the tie breaker). It was again a case of our lowest scoring rounds being the ones we had doubled up on.
Monday, I went off to school and got a load more of stuff. Mostly just a bit load left to do now, for which I am going to borrow someone with a car - otherwise it was be many annoying little runs. I got home to a flat that smelled just enough of smoker to thoroughly piss me off, fortunately my flatmate headed off to his girlfriend's for the night and I had the place to myself. Even though it was very cold and airing the place out was an exercise in unpleasantness for me. I had a nice night in front of the TV though.
After a lot of trouble getting to sleep, due to feeling very unwell, I woke up at about 8:20 in the morning to the noise of children laughing. Turned out to be a sign of a snow day. Not bad snow considering how on the flat I am these days. Had a lived on a hill the snow might have been worth leaving the house for, instead it just led to my spending the day in bed and failing to go to the office. It was all fine until my flatmate came home. After he'd done out for the second time in about an hour and brought a cloud of smoke smell back in with him I decided it was time to discuss the issue. I had been very specific that he was only allowed to move in if he wasn't a smoker and that his having misled me on that was causing problems. he decided my problem was that I was in a mood and all that actually everything was fine. In the process I also discovered that he'd been smoking in the stairwell, something I know I had mentioned wasn't acceptable but which he couldn't see the fault in. Basically, he's a big ball of selective hearing and it seems he's not really taking in anything I say. Looks like I may actually have to sort some sort of official warning on paper if he's going to actually listen to anything I say. Which will atleast leave a nice paper trail when I finally manage to kick him out - he really does seem to be going out of his way to be difficult to live with.
19th June 2009 - SS. Gervasius and Protasius.
Wednesday I sorted official advice, from student advocacy and from Housing NZ. Seems I'm legally entitled to give him the boot on relatively short notice. I got home from finding this out to a flat sprayed so full of air freshner that it literally hurt to breathe. Unfortunately, I remain to nice for my own good.
20th June 2009 - Trans. of S. Edward, K. and Mart. Unless it shall have been kept in Lent.
Really not convinced about the new keyboard, probably should go back to the old reliable PS/2 one.
Anyway, where I was before I pottered off. Thursday I went and saw the Dunedin Community Law Centre - they are wonderful folks. Seems I have all the grounds I need for the kicking out, and have no legal responsibilty to give much notice - I was recommended two weeks. So now I'm trying to be tolerant and give the guy a chance to prove less of a cunt. Also on Thursday I finished moving all my thesis related stuff out of the office.
Friday, I went to the department and finalised the having left the office, giving back the keys and so forward. Then I had afternoon tea with Emily, who had just submitted her PhD. It's always nice when friends lives go well. Not that I'm some sort of reflected glory slut or anything... much. Then it was off to a protest for pay equity, which made me feel old. The night that foolowed was one of me following Oli around.
23rd June 2009 - Etheldreda, V. With Nocturn. Vigil.
This is filling up with gaps. That sounds so very wrong, and as a metaphor it fails. But I'm too tired to fix it. And it is only tea time.
I'm still trying to find redeeming features of my flatmate, but I'm becoming uncertain he has many, or even any. He did just offer some leftover pie to me for dinner. It wasn't goo dpie, but he didn't have to offer it. Argh, it's thinking like this that leaves me not kicking him out even after he made the place physically painful to breathe in again today.
I was good and went to the pool today, having not managed it last week with the sorting thing and the moving out of the English department. I'm so very unfit. And so very fat. I'm a blimp, but one that sucks at flying due to being seriously heavier than air (though possibly lighter than water - fat floating and all).
Yesterday I had afternoon tea with Emily at the Perc. It is was, though I realised how long it has been since I went to the Perc. When I was a teen it was one of my favourite places. I even met one of my favourite people there (well, after a bunch of mIRC time first). I guess I just don't really do cafés that much anymore. I don't really leave the house as much as I should. Hopefully my papers will work and getting me to a place where I can fake being human.
The news is making me angry - they misrepresent things to make them more shocking far more than actual news has any business doing. They aren't the New Truth and TV Extra.
They are almost as bad as John Key.
My brain is all over the place. Attempts to actually write this thing proper aren't going to come to anything so I shall accept defeat and leave even more gaps.
25th June 2009.
Tired and cranky, that's me. I've spent a few nights recently awake and feeling sick. During those night's I've realised that I've nothing to complain about, as I'm better than I was this time last year. I can pretty much spent a day in bed reading now without too much problem (except for very fizzy memory of what I read) whereas a year ago that much using my eyes would have ended badly. Part of me wonders if this is just a sign I'm getting better at ignoring things rather than being any better. Must try to be positive though. Not quite sure why, just know it's what I should be doing.
Yesterday I went to Starbucks in Dunedin for what I am pretty sure was the first time - and based on how crap the hot chocolate was it shall likely also be the last, the stuff was grainy and vile. I was there to finally meet the internet friend I mentioned in this thing back in April. I was pretty sure the whole thing was basically a long chain of me making bad impressions and generally coming across as someone noone would want to know. Which is a shame as I was pretty much won over and think I'd entirely found someone I could put up with adding to my social group. I guess time will tell. After that the day was uninteresting (ie. I don't recall anything worth note). I did stay up for the Terminator: Sarah Connor final. It wasn't a bad way to end a show, I guess. Though cliffhanger season enders work better when the show isn't cancelled.
This morning, having slept in until a little too close to lunch time, by the time I'd had my breakfast and breakfast meds and a shower it was time I headed off to a lunch I'd RSVP'd to. I got there in time though, and had a pleasant lunch with some PhDers from English. On the way home I picked myself up a copy of Pan's Labyrinth on DVD. I like it.
I need to go sleep, while books and me mix better now, me and screens still have issues and this thing does require screen time.
29th June 2009 - Peter and Paul, App.
Friday, I don't remember at all, so I'm going to assume I mostly just stayed in bed and read Lords and Ladies. In the evening I took Tavendale out for dinner since he was down from Wellington and I'd finally given up on saving casino vouchers for Simon. The dinner was very nice, the casino throwing me by having an entirely new menu with none of the things I was expecting on it except the steak - which I got as to ease myself in to the change. After a rather nice dinner, and doing the hot beverage thing at Nova, I inflicted Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog on him as he had somehow missed it last year when I was inflicting it on everyone else. Was a good evening.
Saturday morning I rolled out of bed and down to the farmers' market to meet Greer. I didn't end up buying much except an expensive and unhealthy breakfast. Mostly I just talked Greer's ear off. Somehow a surprisingly social few days still had me ranting at people as if I was a people starved as usual. Then after a bit of blobbing at home and reading, I arranged my father as transport and headed to Sawyer's Bay for a midwinter christmas thing with my godsprogs. It was a big organised pot luck thing, and while it was mostly very good there were just too damn many children there. My children tolerance isn't all it could be. And as I get older it seems to be getting less and less. After the party Midget and her minion dropped me home, so I could curl up in bed and finish Lords and Ladies and completely forget to watch Louis Theroux.
Sunday I dozed until I realised I was running out of time to get to a celebrating diversity (ie. gay rights thing) that my friend V (she who had her birthday at the strip club earlier in the year) had helped organise and threatened to disown any of her friends that didn't turn up. So I got myself there. It was mostly pretty forgettable, though I had a nice long chat with Emily of Oli's work, who I don't talk to all that often. There was a capoeira performance that was pretty awesome, it made the whole thing worth while. Though dragged down a little by Pont being part of the group, making its folk-dance-ness a bit too obvious - some people are just nature's Morris dancers. After the thing, I headed to Nova with Emily from Oli's work, and Salena (who I know through Rachel). Afterwhich I somehow ended up going to the I was Russia thing at the art gallery with one of Salena's friends. Quiz in the evening went okay. It was just Greer and me - which really means it was just Greer. We still tied for second though, even after somehow getting zero in a double up round.
Today, I've mostly been in bed reading Men at Arms. That and worrying about going back to undergrad. With the way my brain is going I'm getting pretty worried that I have signed up to publicly embarrass myself. And I think I picked up a cold of some sort over the weekend - which fails to make me happy.
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