Not sure why I feel this thing needs to be a full accounting, or why I am so bad at follow through

After a Wednesday inside, I had a Thursday mostly inside until dinner at Nando's with Firmin, Simon and Joe and it definitely wasn't for Firmin's birthday.  Then I finally got to see Simon's new pellet burner when we went back to theirs for the first time in ages.  We rewatched Deadpool so as to see a movie but not have to think.

Friday I spent in PJs.  In the evening I started reading the trash teen romance novel Red, White and Royal Blue because goodreads kept telling me to.

I had a weird dream about the last person I had actually seen in person.  It was awkward and uncomfortable romantic - though not remotely sexual at all, thankfully.  I blame the trash romance novel right before bed. 

Then Saturday otherwise featured my 'special' appointment with the endocrinologist.  She seemed to believe I had discussed options with ENT and chosen surgery over a radiation treatment (which I had not, I had been given surgery as the only viable option), then she listened to my stridor, heard how bad it was and agreed it was too late for a non-surgical approach (if only the last year hadn't been wasted doing nothing about it....).  The she fat-shamed me a bit, though much more gently than the anaesthesiologist had.  It was more of the 'I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed' approach.  Though she later conceded she may have prescribed too high a dose on the metabolism suppressing meds and that that may have been a factor in my gaining a lot of weight since the dose was doubled.  My thyroid hormones are not only back to normal they are back to regular normal and in my whole life previous they had always been on the high side of normal.  Basically, I am probably more suppressed than is right for my body - so the new fat isn't all just from depression and eating my feelings.

Just mostly.

Sunday, I played some Kingmaker and watched some TV.  Spent several hours lying on my floor because my body noped life for a while.  Then had to wash and dress in the evening as my father had just got back from a work trip and wanted dinner out.  We went to Speight's Ale House and met its updated meal.  The biggest changes in many years - I don't approve except for the delicious pork belly I had.

Today I went on a supermarket junkfood run before lunch as the weather was set to turn nasty and a couple of days of pretending I was going to try and eat healthy for the sake of my surgery just had me hoping I died during surgery in a way that would seem like the anaesthesiologist's fault.

This evening I had D&D.  And also, snow.

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Yesterday someone in the USA opened 124 entries on this thing. Weird.

 Last Wednesday I didn't leave the house.

On Thursday I broke out my full date outfit.  Dinosaur boxers.  Pineapple Shirt.  Good jeans.  Merino possum socks.  Elvira Jumper.  Sexiness up the wazoo...... and then I went to town for blood tests followed by my first COVID jab.  After the jab I caught up with an old friend I haven't hung out with since later 2019 because pandemic and laziness.  We got lunch at Miga Hako on George Street and wandered to the supermarket.  Due to the excessive wetness of the day, I conned my father into taxi-servicing us back to my place so I could show off my new flat and continue to catch up.
The conversation was mostly pretty awesome, but when the topic got to JK Rowling (due to showing off my bookcase) I found out views on the transes I diverged in the years since we had last discussed them.  It felt like she had got a bunch TERFier - but in actuality I think I just got less TERFy.  But our views had diverged just enough that it was briefly super awkward and I worry it spoiled the whole outing for her.

On Friday, after a morning building a Lego flower bouquet, I only washed and dressed so I could go for Nando's with Firmin, Simon and Joe.  And got a couple of things from the supermarket before coming home and watching Netflix for my Friday night.  And in fact didn't leave the house again until my dad made me go for cheap Asian dinner with him and my sister on Monday evening.

The weekend alone was spent watching various things, best among them was the Icelandic show Katla.  Which I watched after having spent some time on the internet enjoying the reaction to Drag Race Down Under crowning the least racist queen.

Mostly I was just super tired and super depressed.  Those things may have been linked, and others have pointed out may have been my body raging at the vaccine.  The only thing I am confident was the vaccine was my sore arm, everything else may just have been my regular chronic pain bullshit.

The weekend also featured my toxic multinodular goitre releasing liquid from the cysts so loudly that the noise woke me up - but at least meant that my neck has moved more easily (and swallowing has gone better) ever since.  Though I assume it will build back up soon enough.  Also, left me feeling super nauseated for a bit - hopefully just from sudden change in the interstitial pressure or something and not actually bad reasons.

Yesterday I had brain poking.  My psychodynamic psychotherapist was of the impression my run of bad days was likely to be vaccine related, even though he has had both shots with no ill effect.  The session was mostly about nothing, though when it suddenly got hard for no logical reason (as we still weren't talking about much but it was suddenly deeply upsetting) my brain broke out what I now realise really is just a defensive mechanism of assessing the was the registrar might be attractive and making me suddenly overly aware of his physicality.  It is irksome, especially as I know what my subconscious is up to - it is not fooling anyone, just pissing me off.

I would punch my subconscious in the face except that that is my face and I have enough pain already.

Today, I have been rewatching some Gravity Falls.  Dalton dropped by to return my Good Omens and have me force him to borrow my Fiest's Magician instead.

My brain is not good, managing selfdestructive ideation with excessive internet shopping. I didn't need that $600 that I didn't really have to spend......

I am not winning.  I may even be losing.  I am definitely losing at keeping this thing up to date and filled in - but also realise I don't have to keep this thing filled out.  If I am not needing to get this out of my head and only "paper" then I can just not use this thing.

I referred to this thing as something to be filled in and filled out in the same sentence.  Pick a preposition, Matthew.  Or learn English and use the more appropriate one (if there is such a thing).

So basically I haven't done this all month and my memory is not that great.  Time to remind myself with my COVID tracker and be rewarded for slavishly QR coding in everywhere I go (including returning to my own flat).  So much avoiding all human interaction.

On the first I have psychotherapy.  I can't remember what we talked about just that it was rough.  Wait, I do remember and it is something that even my unhealthy amount of oversharing doesn't feel the need to say that much about - mostly just following on and tidying up after the session before.  It was also when my psychotherapist made it clear that he can read my emotions through my shoulders, even when my fake jolly face it holding up flawlessly.  The important part was that this was the first time I wore my Elvira jumper for the year (I think).  And as a result I briefly thought some hot middle-aged gym bunny was checking me out until I realised it was just Elvira getting eye-fucked.

Wednesday the 2nd, I stayed home.  I recall nothing else about the day.  It probably didn't matter.  (I had a strong urge to follow that with "Like my life" but shall refrain.)

I left the house on Thursday the 3rd to have lunch with Oli.

I left the house on Friday the 4th to go to Nando's with Firmin, Simon and Joe for dinner.  Got some groceries on my way home and that was my excitement.  I think that was the night I binged Sweet Tooth the night it came out and screwed up my sleep pattern - which still hasn't recovered.

The following day, while I stayed at home, I did allow guests to enter.  Oli, Greer and their spawnlings came to visit and I entertained a four year old and fed some Lego to a ?17? month old.

The Sunday was also all at home and on I left the house on Queen's Birthday Monday to get junk food from Pakkers.  I was cooking in the evening and didn't hear my phone over the extractor fan in the kitchen so missed out on last minute D&D organisation - thus no socialising.

So we are up to Tuesday the 8th.  Only a week behind now.  I had brain-poking.  I think it was mostly just my psychotherapist trying to get me to talk about my social anxieties.  On the way home I got Japanese curry for lunch at the Miga Hako in Albany Place.  In the evening dad suggested dinner out and at Evelyn's declaration we went to the Cobb and Co in the Railway station, for the first time for all of us.  The food was actually pretty nice.  The only real downside was my family being a bit irksome.  Ev was being very Ev, while Dad was flirting with the staff far too much.  Not helped by a bored waiter call Sebastian who was playing along with the creepy old flirting far too much.

I spent Wednesday sorting my roleplaying society game, as my group wanted one last game before semester break.  I got Formosa Delight on the way in and ordered a book from UBS that comes out next month.  Then the game happened and went fine.  They are now level 3 as I am too generous a GM. 

On Thursday my back hurt so much from walking home with too many roleplaying books in my plus-sized satchel bag thingee.  I did not leave my house or do much of anything.  Ditto Friday.

The weekend followed the trend too except for Dad and Ev turning up on Saturday evening and getting dinner at Rope and Twine in South Dunedin.   It is just a worse version of Speights.  Oh and high points of Saturday, a parcel from Alana and her family and a parcel from Lego contain the three missing pieces for my Medieval Blacksmith.

Yesterday, I had D&D at Carla and Ian's.  Carla had cooked slowcooker stew, and Lisa had very thoroughly planned out a ruin map for us to explore.  I took no damage when other members of the party were making death saves, and I am just standing at the back of the room tolling the dead.

Today, failed to go to Artsenta writing group (as I have failed consistently since March).  Had brain-poking.  We talked about my fear of conflict and the unpleasant situations I let happen in order to avoid starting conflict.  I need to learn to be more assertive if I am ever going to work out this happiness thing I am supposed to be trying to do at least sometimes.

Otherwise the last couple of weeks have just been a lot of muscle spasms and aches, and some extra stabby migraines.

And the titles of today is because this evening I was feeling the bad urges and redirected them into a mighty ape shopping spree followed by a lego.com one.  Wasting money I can't really afford to waste.  Hopefully the stuff does my brain a tiny bit of good.

 I have been doing so much nothing, yet I continue to fail to write in this thing.

Pain, this is what pain feels like. Find me someone maternal..... I probably misquote

Haven't been sleeping well thanks to my brain deciding that dream noise is actual noise it needs to wake me for.

Today I have hot muscle pain, exactly as my GP had warned with the faux-Graves' disease.  Like muscle cramps that can't be stretched out and trying just causes regular muscle cramps to join in on top.

I should catch up but today is not the day for trying to put experiences into words.  English fails and I am trying to write Pathfinder material for the game tonight.