Curls

I cut my hair the other day to get rid of the ringlet that was getting in my face.
Now I have a weird ringletette (I said it, thus making it a word....).
Also, I tried to clean my screen protector and it cracked.  So I will be travelling with an unprotected phone screen but can now take selfies that aren't all misted out.

I went to Alita: Battle Angel last night.  It was a tolerable action film and a pretty solid date night.  Semi-imaginary-one can be pretty amazing company when he wants to be, though the fact it is always pants-on company has me a little worried as to how long we can keep seeming like things are working.

Using young person words

I checked my credit card was good to go today.  I should really preload it with my Christmas cash but had forgotten to take it in with me when I went to the bank and now feel weird about going back - because that is normal.

And I emailed a very helpful Shona at the university who talked me through fixing my loan through the disabilities centre - and that I don't have to have it done until July, so plenty of time to procrastinate about it.
And left me thinking "Shona from Finance" is a fantastic name.  And possibly an even better drag name for a comedy queen.

And I linked my facebook to the Kalamazoo blog so I can reuse it for my upcoming trip.  It does massively increase the risk of people finding this one and seeing what a fucking mentalist I am but I haven't been careful about hiding this and I suspect anyone who wanted to could find it anyway - what with it containing all my old blog and thus being pretty googleable.

And I trust the semi-imaginary-one is too disinterested to hunt for non-travel blogs (and will likely one read the first few posts, message me about them and then use them as an excuse to ask me to not send travel pics direct).
I need to learn to talk about him without making our entire relationship sound like a trainwreck.  There are reasons I love him, I just can't articulate them to other people.  Possibly as they mostly come from inside my head, I'm not sure our actual interactions justify all my feels (I used 'feels' as a noun, like a young person, because I am cool...).

Spirals

I am spiralling for no particular reason.
I just keep walking around my house panicking about nothing in particular, feeling like I need to be doing one of a great many ill-defined tasks and achieving nothing except working myself into more of a state.
How am I almost 40 and still completely unable to do even the simplest amount of adulting.
I am such a fail human.


I do spent far too much of my life wondering if this is what a nervous breakdown feels like.

Tan on tan on me

I went to the supermarket yesterday.
It was only after I started getting funny looks from people that I realised I was wearing tan on tan.  I basically was dressed all in nude tone.  Because looking like a naked blimp is exactly what the world needed from me.

I got home and saw I had romance spam, so I reported it and thought to check my spam filter.  Gmail had been spam filtering all my important messages from Studylink and the university.  My loan was declined and everything is a bit fucked up.  So that is extra stress that needs dealt with on Monday.

Snapping

I just attacked my combover with scissors.
I have hated it since the stupid hairdresser left it on me - and now it is gone.

Four-year-old with scissors logic approach, cutting with no idea what I was doing - mostly by feel.  Such winning.  So adult.

It is a very uneven fringe, so have to remember to wear it not as a fringe.

Still in my eyes, but no longer in my mouth.

Also, I really need a better screen cover, this one makes my front camera awful with the fuzzy smokiness.

I hate my flesh-sack

I have had several days running of being too sickly to do anything much.  I guess I had forgotten just how chronically ill I am.  Nothing is happening that hasn’t a bunch of times before, but is worse than it has been for just long enough to have caught me as an unpleasant surprise reminder of how lame my life is.

So many days laying about in my filth and PJs. So much failing to do anything.

At least I am hopefully getting it out of my system now. Rather than while I am away.
In travel news, I am posting this from my phone to test that I will be able to travel blog from the phone while I am away. Though it does mean having to deal with autocomplete.

Earlier in the week, tent village at orientation week sucked. They just aren’t full of useful stuff and information anymore. They are becoming more and more just scams to milk money out of the children.

Also, my flat inspection went fine in spite of my utter failure to actually clean anything. It turns out they really don’t care. In the process they also told me that I won’t be moved out for at least a year, though from June or July onward I will be living on a building site and am likely to be moved into the new units in the back tower, so I can have multiple years in living on a building site.

Also, the Tuesday night date I thought I had - it having been planned the week before but never confirmed.  Turned out not to be a thing, and substitute plans didn't pan out.  I sort of wasted an afternoon/evening holding out for them, but I really would have wasted that time regardless [this is one of those times when I really want to use the word 'irregardless' instead, because fake words are fun - though fake words being considered real by my spell checker makes them less fun].
Several of my friends keep telling me off for being too forgiving of the semi-imaginary-one.  But I like his face, and I keep believing he means well - he is just almost as useless as a significant other as I am at being a human at all.

Weekends and being too old for people

On Saturday I helped someone set up a Pathfinder game they will start running next week.  I was generally too helpful all around.  I think the guy I was helping may now think that we are friends.
I am not sure how I feel about that.
Otherwise I fed the day to the TV.  The Umbrella Academy and then the second season of The Dragon Prince.

Sunday was going much the same.  Just TV and Civ VI, until Oli turned up and I went and hung out at his house for a while.  It was actually pretty awesome.  Time with him and Greer and their adorable spawn.
Also, they have a good view (picture was taken as The Semi-Imaginary One has a bit of a crush on the view from their house - the first two times he was willing to interact with any of my friends was there (spread over a couple of years - coz he is the worst)).

Last night I had yet another night of staying up too late with Civ VI, followed by lying awake fixating over things the semi-imaginary one said on Tuesday night.  I was too exciting about the positives at the time to follow up on the things he hedged about, or gave plain weird answers to - and it seems that is all my brain can think about since.

Today has been failing to prepare for my flat inspection.  I have done a bunch of cleaning of dumb things that can't be seen, while totally failing to do any of the stuff needed for the inspection.  And now I need a nap.

Also, while I have been writing this I have been getting super pissed off at an old friend.  It is something I do far far too frequently lately.
I am pretty sure she means well, or at least thinks that she means well, but she always manages to say exactly the least helpful thing.  She is also demanding when I don't have the energy to deal with human interaction and gets very put out when people don't play along with conversation by saying what she wants to hear.  I am being overly mean.  But today my brain just can't deal with her.

Soaked through

On Wednesday evening I went for Thai food for the first time in a very long time.  The Thai place has been rebranded for a while, as it turns out.  But I'd not been there in ages so didn't know.  Also, was the first time since... maybe, October that I have got to hang with me two best grouchy hobbits.

Thursday morning I went to my gym class, and afterwards visited the semi-imaginary-one very briefly to give him the contact details for the Hungarian couple in the gym class.  Then home to nap, feel very sore and then fall down the Sid Meier's Civilization VI: Gathering Storm rabbithole.  Until 3am.

I would like to say that was followed by sleeping in, but my brain is a dick.  I was wide awake and full of nightmare induced panic only minutes after when my alarm usually goes off.  Then I got into a thought spiral about stuff with the semi-imaginary-one, so going back to sleep wasn't going to happen.

I had a doctor's appointment and sorted my pills for my trip.
I walked around town and got angry at all the stupid children (freshers) loose on the streets.
When I got home the skip had arrived, so I started throwing out stuff that had survived earlier purges.  My building gets a skip twice a year now, and since I was be moving in the not too distant future I need to purge stuff more.
I threw out some old textbooks.
I even threw out my stockpile of old eftpos receipts.

This was not easy.  Back in 1991 when I first got an eftpos card I was told I had to keep the receipts.  Throwing them out made me feel very unwell.
I feel like I am going to get in trouble.
And considering the crazy heavy rain I got caught in going to the clothing bin later (I got very very wet - soaked through all the layers), those receipts are beyond saving now.

And now, I am up far too late again playing Civ VI and watching The Umbrella Academy on Netflix.

Warm weather is dumb

The heat is dumb
Also, I need to fix my screen protector as it is making my front camera super blurry/hazy.

Possible improvement

Yesterday, for the first time, my New Years resolution (to always have a whole day of meds with me, and not just what I expect to need) turned out to be useful.

I had an afternoon tea outing with the semi-imaginary-one and a couple of his work friends.  End of day muffins at Muffin Break.  Like adults.
This lead to us going to Glass as a group.  For some M. Night superhero action.
Then I went back to the semi-iamginary-one's flat for about five hours of having very overdue conversations and going through the photos from his trip last year.
I have a lot of residual annoyance over a bunch of things, and that trip is one of them.
Seeing the photos and finally being told where he had gone was nice, but did rub in the fact that while he was sending regular pictures back to some people and I got none over the whole month and a half.  I wasn't even told what countries he had been in.

Why am I in love with such a douche-bag?

We talked a lot.  A lot of things that needed said and a lot of my anxiety being voiced (most of which was probably better unsaid).

We still have a long way to go.  Especially as he claimed ignorance of things I had definitely talked at him about before.

Attempting romance is too awkward.
I should have just died alone.  Things would be easier that way.


Also, there was discussion on monogamy.  While it seems we are both in favour of it, the fact I had not explicitly demanded it means it was expected....  This conversation will need returning to.  It may end badly.  Considering it has been a number of years since he agreed that I shouldn't see other people - and which I wasn't sure if it was language failing him or him being an arsehole.  He claims to not remember that conversation at all.

Yum Cha was et

I was invited out for yum cha lunch with some people.  I knew it was going to be costly, but the food would be good so I went along. 
The food was very good, and there was plenty of it.
But I went without a drink as I was spending too much money just for my share of the food, and then the guy who'd had the most drinks went up to pay first and made the unorthodox call that the drinks should be included in the averaged costs.
I realise it is a tiny thing, but it left me kind of fucked off about it all.

I am too poor to socialise.

Also too tired and sore.
And too warm.  (I am hating the warm weather.)

I done saw Bohemian Rhapsody

For Waitangi Day, I kicked a preschooler into a la-z-boy chair.
I had gone to hang out with some friends for the afternoon, and while their daughter had me kneeling on the floor to look at something for her her jumped on the back of my leg, somehow hitting a a nerve that caused some uncontrolled flailing of the leg - straight into her.  And right when I was feeling extra bad about it, her parents told her off for it.
Then I wandered down to Firmin's to eat some takeaways and use him as transport (because I am awful) to roleplaying.  Roleplaying featured an awkward conversation about how the game was going to end in July - before the GM had to deal with high level play.  I like Gusil, he is the character I have played longer than any other.  I don't look forward to finishing with him.

Thursday happened.  Trying to remember what happened in it....
Oh yes, I went to my first gym class of the year.  Did very little exercise beyond the walking across town and back to get there, but the very little I did still has my shoulder sore and tight.

[Left without publishing for many hours, should be a new entry from here, but isn't]


So, on Friday I managed to leave the house late morning to hang with a friend and her spawn (the one I kicked on Wednesday) for a while.  Then after dinner I headed out with midget and went to Bohemian Rhapsody.  It was a movie.  I am not so convinced that I liked it.  But it did remind me that Farrokh is a good name.


Saturday/Today.  I had so many plan.  All of the plans.
I did nothing.  For the whole day.
I only washed and dressed just in time to go to my mother's birthday dinner.
It was an evening of too many people I didn't know.  Though some pleasant catching up with old family friends who I'd not seen in years.
There was not enough pavlova (there were more than what is shown).

 But there was birthday cake as well.

 Fondant woven to look like knitted wool.

Stood up again, naturally.

Left the last entry as I realised I was running a bit late to somewhere where I had agreed to meet the semi-imaginary-one (though was still safely going to beat him there).  The Chinese New Years thing.

I got there and quickly bumped into some friends I hadn't seen in a while and watched street food encourage their preschooler to meltdown, forcing them to go home early.

Then as I was starting to wonder when the semi-imaginary-one was going to get there, I bumped into my other favourite Claire (both my Claires in one day is a very good thing).  So I hung out with her and her spawn while I waited.  Finally getting a text that he would be a bit late.

Long story short, it was about two hours after that, and after the fireworks had finished and everything had closed up leaving me going to Countdown as it was the only place open to waste some time, that he finally admittedly he wasn't coming and that when he got home it would be to sleep so I should go home myself.

He didn't apologise, or acknowledge at all that he had fucked me around, again.

The thing is I am not even disappointed in him.  This is pretty much exactly how he has always treated me - if a bit more on the nose because when we were making plans earlier in the day the fact he tended not to consider me in his priorities had come up.  (I can read the sentence to make sense, but it is awfully constructed, but my brain is too frazzled to fix it.)

I am disappointed in myself for having grown up to be such a stupid fucking twat that I continue to hope that things will work and believe the best about someone who has spent years treating me poorly - when he bothers to acknowledge me at all.

I don't know why I love someone who has done nothing to deserve it.
I am pretty angry at myself for it.

I am not sure I have the mental strength to survive him but I don't seem to have the strength of character to walk away, either.  (I moved commas in that sentence several times and nothing seemed right.  I really should read that Eats, Shoots and Leaves book.)

What had been a pretty good day (mostly due to Claires) ended with me walking home at 2300ish, crying the street the way the manliest of men do.

Also, a bunch of young people are very thoroughly cleaning a neighbouring house at this time of night.  I am assuming it is a murder scene that will never be found.



Also WTF, Scoop.it has some of my blog entries.  Even I am not interested in my blog - why the hell is some content curating site linking bits of it.

One morning, two packages.

I got up this morning and checked the parcel tracking on my Canadian passport to find it had not only been sent but was already with a courier in Dunedin.

My new passport, my old one (though now with a corner chopped off - which I assume is for reasons) and my citizenship certificate (which seems to have expired and be mostly useless now anyway) have all been returned to me.

Canada can't keep me out now.  In fact, if I end up illegally in a third country, I could even get deported to Canada (which I guess has been true since 2006 (and possibly for my whole life, but less certainly)) but having the valid passport makes it seem more likely.

Then I went to shower and another package arrived.  Food and random candles from a friend.
It may also have slightly led to accidentally flashing an elderly mailman - who seemed maybe too happy about the outcome as he tried to get me into a conversation when I just wanted to get back in my house.

Then I left the house, visiting the semi-imaginary-one briefly (first time ever just inviting myself over like a normal person in a relationship would) on the way to town to get my glasses adjusted by the awkward man made of elbows at the optometrist.

I bumped into one of my favourite people (also, one of my favourite Claires) and had a nice chat and wander.  Friends are good to have.  I hate people, but the few people that I don't hate are pretty damn amazing.

Being a statistic

I just read a HuffPo article about the real causes of depression and other common mental health problems.
Too much of the information applied.
There is something unsettling about fitting the statistics so well.  I am just missing the intravenous drug habit/addiction issues that it suggests I am massively likely to have.

Such fun.

In other news, I failed to human today.  I washed, but never finished getting dressed and sat about the house all day in t-shirt and boxers.

At least Friday saw a quick trip out to get some groceries, and waste some voucher by accidentally buying the wrong thing for too much, after I had spent the afternoon waiting for the plumber to come work on my hot water.  Hopefully the cylinder now behaves until I am out of the place.

Weird Science

I'm watching a documentary about science done on homos.  The epigenetic argument has a lot more support now than it did last time I looked, which is nice.

The fact that there is science showing highly intelligent men are significantly more likely to be homos has left me wondering how I have dated so many retards.
Just so many retards.

Bob, my second longest relationship ever.  Possibly my most serious (as I don't think the semi-imaginary one counts as serious yet, even after all these years).  And he was dumb.  Mostly decent, I think (sometimes the dumbness made it hard to be certain), but so very dumb.

Summer is too warm. We hates it.

I have not been up to much in my life at all recently.

I picked up my new glasses on Monday, and have pretty much just spent the whole week since sitting about my house.  The heat messed with me a little and I had an extended run of not feeling so good about standing up.  But mostly I have just be curled up in a ball of grouchiness.
I am so angry at the semi-imaginary one.
So angry.
Mostly even for reasons that other people seem to think are valid, which is making it much harder to handwave all my concerns away as my just being ridiculous.
It is not a good place to be, but I have no idea how to fix it as I have way too many warm fuzzy feelings that are making the complete lack of trust feel pretty unimportant in comparison.
Brains are dumb and emotions are the worst thing brains do.

I did get rid of the last four big boxes of children's books.  I finally have the table in my spare room back, and thus can finally dry my woollens on a flat surface - so will wash them for the first time in..... that's best not thought about.

I also offloaded all of my ripped, worn or just randomly disliked towels on to Martina.  With her horde of monsters she seemed to think all towels were welcome.

Less stuff is good, considering I will be moving at some point soonish.  Possibly even before June, and only later than that if my part of the complex is the bit they decide to do last.  They do seem to be emptying out the other end much faster, while claiming to have no information at all about how things are going to be done.

I guess I will see.

I am looking forward to living in somewhere less of a goldfish bowl - my bathroom/laundry is the only room in my house that can't be seen straight into from the street or carpark.
If I am lucky I may even manage somewhere quieter at night (since new years my street has got a bit louder than last year, but far from the loudest it has been - at 5am this morning I was sorely tempted to call noise control except that being awake enough to do that would have destroyed any chance of getting back to sleep).

And my hotwater cylinder has started boiling over.  Again.
Over the last few years it has been boiling over more often than not.
It is pretty much the bane of this flat.  And this flat was pretty terrible even when the water just worked.