Still fucking sick

On Monday morning I had a phone call doctor's appointment.  Sorted my meds, and made some vague plans for things to look into when I didn't have a nasty cold masking my symptoms.

Then I left the house and went to a cafe for the first time in well over two months.  Birthday brunch for Tina, with Carla.  Was so nice to get my human on in a normalish way.

Later Monday and pretty much all Tuesday just went to reading and pottering about at home.  Oh, and watching The Luminaries.  A show set in, but not filmed in, my very own Dunedin.  And a show that I am not certain I liked.

This morning I was feeling recovered when I got up slightly too early considering how late I had been awake finishing off the fifth Toby Daye novel.  Was a bit concerned at how crazy high my pre-breakfast blood sugar was, as when talking about it with my GP the recent rise had been attributed to the bug that I am fighting off.  I was well, it should be back to normal.

I washed and dressed and prepared for a morning zoom meeting counselling session.  It turned out the zoom appointment, which had confused me by being for a different day to when I thought we had agreed to the meeting was, had been sent in mistake.  So a short meeting followed that was just to shift the zooming meeting back to when I thought we had agreed it would be.

Spent the day reading, and coughing a bit but wrote that off as being due to the cold.

Went to Carla and Ian's for dinner (that Ian made) and hanging out.  Sitting in their nice warm house by the fireplace and all of a sudden I was all hacking awful cough of obvious sickness and my body doing dumb fever things (like shivering while my face and scalp sweated).

So still sick and very annoyed about it.

And I still haven't heard back from uni.

I am starting to think this really will just lead to me failing out of uni and resolving that whole continuing to keep studying thing by removing it as an option.

Ugh

On Friday, I was telling myself I was over being sick, in spite of the fact my body was so cold no matter how much I wrapped up and my face and ear were so hot I was chilling bottles of water just to roll on my face.
No-one lies to me like I do.

Yesterday I had some leg pain driving me to distraction in the afternoon.  But late evening it was basically just all my muscles.  That did not make for a good night.

By this morning it had weirdly moved on to just being dull joint pain.  So... better.

I hate this sack of meat that I am living in.

Hair

Thursday night I unlocked this, the Turkmenistan bots were back within hours.

Friday morning, I think as a result of a fever dream, when I woke up to early it seemed perfectly sensible to clipper my hair by feel in the dark.  I realised from the funny look the delivery guy gave me when my dinner arrived that I had done a particularly bad job.

This morning I tried to fix it, so it is now just differently bad.

Also, fever dream me, a 40 year old who has never made any attempt at tidying up his pubes, decided the same clipper length I had done my back and sides with would work other places.
This ended very badly.  I can barely manage clippers around the obstacle of my ears.

Good thing I had no plans to let anyone see me naked ever again anyway, as they hair down there has a late 90s alternative-for-the-sake-of-alternativeness all different lengths randomly thing going on.

I humaned

I spent an evening around humans.
It was amazing.
We did not get much roleplaying done as we were too excited to be humaning.
I wasn't sure I wanted to be around humans ever again after two months without - but I had forgotten how much I like to talk.  The sound of my own voice is fantastic.  How had I forgotten how important it is to me.

Yes, I'm a dick.

I am supposed to be going to an anxiety management thing tomorrow, but an not welcome if I still have sniffles.
I somehow doubt tonight will be when my weeks of head-cold suddenly goes away.

Leaving the house

Still sniffly, but about to go to someone else's house anyway.  They were warned and do not fear my head-cold.

Sorting the backpack I wear whenever I go anywhere and realised it was last used on 20th of March.   It still had stuff sorted around going for my flu shot.
Two months of not actually going anywhere (the COVID testing places said I wasn't allowed my bag, and that is the only place I have been in literally 2 months)....

Today was spent dozing and worrying that I have still not heard back from enrolment.  Until a parcel arrived.

Last week while feverish I had decided I needed to order a box of sixty LEGO minifigures.  So today I squeezed and sorted and labelled.

Still enrolled.

Enrolment sent me an email on Thursday saying I would get a proper reply within 2 working days.  Has now been over three working days and nothing.  Which is irksome.
And made awkward by my tutor emailing me further extension on that essay I shan't do .

Yesterday morning I finished the second of Seanan McGuire's Toby Daye novels.  At about 2am this morning I finished the third one.  My eyes weren't handling screens so reading made sense.

Today I have worked my way through T.J. Klune's The House in the Cerulean Sea.  And ordered pork belly soup through DeliverEasy.

Otherwise I have done nothing as all that reading used up my brain and time (okay, the T.J. Klune was audiobook, as my eyes weren't really handling anything today).

Poorly thought through choices

My countdown order that arrived today included actual, honest to goodness, dairy based, ice cream.
This was not a smart order decision.
Poopin' so much blood, it is basically shark week.

Otherwise I have had another day when I intended to be reading but watched crap and played mindless computer games instead.  Today it was a particularly homo one.

And still full of snot and running intermittent fever.  Throat less sore, but hurting to breathe a bit.  My body is made of lame.

Level 2 life

Yesterday as the country dropped to Level 2 COVID alert the number on builders massively increased again.  They accidentally put a digger through a pipe while I was in the shower and the apartment building then had no water for most of the day.
It was most irksome.

Today in building related news, the token hot builder turned up first the first time since lock down just as the site was shutting down for the weekend.  he had clearly been to the hairdresser in the two days they have been a thing again.  It reduced his hotness.
His hotness had already been marred how how clearly certain of his own hotness he is.  Clear vanity on top of that is mostly undoing it all.
Such a shame when a pretty face is spoilt by its efforts to be appreciated as a pretty face.
Though this may just be my subconscious bias based on Shitlord and his possibly being a narcissist (in the clinical sense).

Otherwise today has been reading (yesterday was spent listening to TV shows that didn't need watched) because my eyes and screens are not getting alone.  Even the couple of minutes I have been at this is pushing the limits of what I can take.

Oh, and Susan, a friend from high school, brought me around an ice cream tub of homemade pumpkin soup.

Withdrawing or failing

The essay did not happen.

Then sleep last night didn't go so well.  Fever dreams, significantly featuring a misshaped and massively tall version of Shitlord (I assume as a result of his boss bringing him up to me yesterday evening).  So I woke a lot.  I am guessing every REM cycle.
Then some gastro unpleasantness at 5am.

So I also didn't do my tutorial today.

I have emailed about "withdrawal under extraordinary circumstances", as my conditional enrolment is currently blocking me from applying directly.  If it doesn't work, I guess I will just fail.

Otherwise all I have done all day in doze under some blankets and watch a bit of TV.  Mostly not even enough brain to watch TV.

And my ears are so unpleasantly warm tonight.  Stupid fever.  The hot neck and damp hair are one thing, but the super hot ears are really frustrating.

 Hopefully this is in English, brain is too shattered to tell.  But am relying very heavily on the spell check.  Everything starts up underlined in red.

Fuck

The essay is all I have been doing for days.  It is only a small 100 level thing, but I just can't get it to happen.
Fever brain.
Tiredness.
No fucks left in me.
I just can't get things to happen.  Though research readings today left me with an even lower opinion of Keith Holyoake.

And all the coughing and sneezing has done a number on my lips.  Am now just destroying chapstick trying to keep them from cracking.  I also had to moisturise my nostrils with almond oil to keep them from being overly painful.

Then my dinner I ordered yesterday for tonight arrived.  And the Speight's Ale House had sent me cold ribs.
I took to facebook to complain while I ate the deliciously hot chips and crisp salad.  And harassed the girlfriend of one of the kitchen staff on messenger while I ate the deliciously warm mudcake.

On the advice of a friend who is much smarter than I am I did the aggressively unPakeha thing of complaining to the actual restaurant instead of just bitching about it on facebook. The manager who rang commented that guys in the kitchen knew who I was - which makes me feel like I was being super petty to complain.

I should not have ordered from Shitlord's workplace.

After 40minutes in my oven (set to 200C, but without preheating) the ribs were pretty good, if not quite heated properly in the middle - should have waited a bit longer.  The manager said they were precooked regardless, and it all tasted pretty good.  But would have much preferred if things had just arrived warm.  Also sounds like I am the first one to complain.  Hopefully it means I was the first fuckup. I might just choose to believe that Shitlord did it on purpose, but I mostly doubt he even remembers I exist.

Damn it, I have written more here than I have in my essay today.  I am seriously screwed.

Fuzzy and weak

Another day of achieving nothing.  I have less than an introduction toward the essay I have to finish tomorrow and no idea where I am going with it.
But so weak, having barely been able to lift my arms all day.  Everything hurts and is made of fatigue.

I forget how much of a sick person I am until all it takes is a minor cold to push me into being utterly useless.

None for me

Got the call yesterday morning, only 19 hours after I had my test, that my results were negative.
No SARS-CoV-2 for me, probably.  I was told to act like false negatives were a serious consideration until two days after I stop having the COVID-like symptoms.  But it has been almost two weeks already.  This is starting to feel like it might go on forever.

Intermittent fever is spiking up again as I write this, making my brain extra fuzzy and my ears uncomfortable.

I have failed to do any of my essay.  Still.
I have spent the weekend failing to do anything really.
Except eat too much after a poorly thought out Countdown delivery arrived.  I am not good at ordering the things I need.  But got multiple of the overpriced packs of stir fry vege with beetroot noodles.  Healthy and weirdly tasty.  Well, 5+y, if not necessarily healthy.  I feel beetroot has the sugar.

Nasal sex?

The Ask Otago lady I got today was angry the my notes said i had a cold but i hadn't talked to student health or not tested.
So I talked to student health.
They made me get tested.

The test is not fun.  The brush tipped plastic wand rammed in the back of my nose had my eyes pretty wet.  Losing all manliness points in front of the health care professional who I think might have been attractive, based on the tiny sliver I could see past all the PPE gear.

Ears of warminating

My ears are too warm, but thermometer says I am still just within the normal range (though at the top of it).

I have done nothing today but be a bit zoned out.  My head is not with it and I really intended to spend the day working on that essay but have done nothing.

I really need to get sorted, this essay needs done.  Especially as the lecturer emailed today to say it was now worth more, as the weightings for the class's assessment have been changed.

I really, really, regret not withdrawing.

In other news, people talking about sleep makes me think about the sweet release of death.  And when I actually sleep I have had a running dream of knocking on my door that mostly wakes me up in the middle of the night.  On the occasions that I sleep long enough for the dream to get past the knocking it is police accusing me of bombing Shitlord.  And in the dream I get too upset at the possibility of his being hurt.
I know I have complex and mostly angry feelings about him, but it still annoys me that my dreamself has that much affection and concern for the wellbeing of dreamShitlord.

Broken shell keeping on keeping on

I don't think I am winning at sanity.

My random and pointless anxiety is all over the place.  And tonight my ears are burning so much.  So I am split between wondering if I am feverish and falling in to the magical-thinking trap of wondering what unpleasant thing I did to make someone talk about me.
Just took my temperature and it is the lowest it has been in over a week.  Maybe warm ears are my body failing to accept it is over the slight fever of the past too long.

On Sunday my countdown delivery arrived.  A couple of slightly annoying substitutions but also one that was fine, they swapped my diabetic friendly bread with  the ploughman's soy and linseed.  It may be less good for me, but it tastes so good.

I can't really speak to what I have done with my week.
Continuing to be headachey is making me a bit vague.

And have done a little stressing about possibly getting an inheritance now that it has been mentioned to me.  I have to talk to WINZ about what I am legally allowed to get.  It may work out that I would be better off just not getting a share of the inheritance.

Tonight I am watching Normal People.  It might be a good show but my broken brain is reading too much of my last relationship into things, which sours the show.  And probably isn't even fair to the show.  My brain.....

And I have my largest assessment due in a few days and have not started it.  Too overwhelmed by nothing to focus, or care.

Saturdays are like other days but somehow even sadder.

I got carried away and ordered too much stuff from Countdown.  Yet forgot to check my actual shopping list and buy things I knew I needed.  Because I am dumb.

Tried to entertain myself by chatting to scammers off Growlr, but the cut and pasted responses and bad English made it impossible to suspend my disbelief enough to play along at all.
People are awful and without use.

Otherwise I have just been watching Netflix.  Haven't even had the energy to open a game.  (Still feeling pretty extra unwell and still not ringing Healthline even though AskOtago told me to.)
I am not taken with the new Ryan Murphy, Hollywood, show.  And watching some The Haunting of Hill House is just reminding me that I don't love horror.  I only like horror when it is also comedy.

Also, I may have gone completely crazy.  I have very distinct memories of having watched the entirety of a movie, a couple of weeks back, that only came out today.  But my brain is very certain I have seen it all.
I remember not liking it much and playing Pillars of Eternity 2 while I was watching it.
I am assuming I saw the trailer and then dreamed the movie.
My brain is a broken piece of trash.

Thus I am the guy that blew all his money on a Countdown order without looking at my actual fucking shopping list.

Laziness wins

Too lazy today to achieve anything.  So I missed the window where withdrawing from uni was easy.

I got my delicious dinner from Shitlord's work, and it was delivered by a front of house staffer who didn't know me (which was a relief).  Shank was very good, though the takeout version had significantly less veggies than they did onsite.
Cheesecake was disappointing and didn't agree with me.  Which may be why my bathroom smells distinctly of lamb shanks, though I also seem to be having an attack of.... I think my old GP called it hyperosmia... where my nose and brain decide between them that smells are much. much stronger than they actually are.  Because everything smells so much just now.