November 2004
Another month of my sad, lonely and pathetic excuse for a life.
Ophelia was a bride of God A novice Carmelite In sister cells The cloister bells tolled on her wedding night Ophelia was the rebel girl A blue stocking suffragette Who remedied society between her cigarettes And Ophelia was the sweetheart To a nation overnight Curvaceous thighs Vivacious eyes Love was at first sight Love was at first sight Ophelia was a demigoddess in pre-war Babylon So statuesque a silhouette in black satin evening gowns Ophelia was the mistress To a Vegas gambling man Signora Ophelia Maraschina Mafia courtesan Ophelia was the circus queen The female cannonball Projected through five flaming hoops To wild and shocked applause To wild and shocked applause Ophelia was a tempest cyclone A goddamn hurricane Your common sense, your best defense Lay wasted and in vain For Ophelia'd know your every woe And every pain you'd ever had She'd sympathize and dry your eyes And help you to forget Help you to forget And help you to forget Ophelia's mind went wandering You'd wonder where she'd gone Through secret doors down corridors She wanders them alone All alone
2nd November 2004 - Com. of All Souls. At Vespers, Mem. of S. Mary, Mem. of S. Eustachius and his Compp.
Today was partially eaten up by me having an attack of the sad and lonelies. Everyone else seems to be happily coupled up. And there are too many scantily dressed beautiful people around. Stupid lovely weather.
Okay, I'm a nut bar. I get that. And right now I'm being a desperate and needy nut bar. Never a good look. At least I know myself well enough to know that in a week or so I'll be back to being sad and lonely and holding out for someone perfect who will never happen. It's just that right now I think I could be easily tempted to settle.
The good thing about this, is that it actually has helped cement to my conscious mind that I am indeed over my ex. Which I guess is good enough to make the rest of it seem worth it. Who'd have guessed I had it in me to actually move on. I'll admit I'm surprised, though now that I've realised it has happened, I also realise that it happened quite a while ago and I simply didn't notice.
Okay, I have a couple of things I should probably talk out with my ex now - just to make sure everything in my head is utterly clear. But that can wait as we pretty much suck at conversations of actual content.
It's nice to know that if I break out with drunken "I love you"s to my ex now, I will actually only mean it in a friend way. I may possibly not have my ex in the small group of people I have a pretty unconditional love for. I think it's what normal people feel for their family, but as me and my family aren't such a happy thing I seem to have it for a small group of my friends. Though possibly not those as it would seem to make sense for. Me and sense being unmixing things.
Anyway, I'm tired, and possibly producing more random gibberish speak and saying things that aren't what I mean in my head than is usual. I should cut my loses now and bugger off.
Today's Quote: Natalie Merchant's "Ophelia".
I've been biding my time Been so subtly kind I've got to think so selfishly 'Cos you're the face inside of me I've been biding my days You see Evidently it pays I've been a friend with unbiased views Then secretly lust after you So now you feel rusty you're bored and bemused You wanna do someone else So you should be by yourself Instead of here with me Secretly Trying hard to think pure Bloody hard when i'm raw You're talking out so sexually About boys and girls And your friggin' dreams So now you feel lusty you're hot and confused You wanna do someone else So you should be by yourself Instead of here with me Secretly So now you've been busted You're caught feeling used You had to do, someone else You should have been by yourself You had to do, someone else You should have been by yourself Instead of here with me Secretly, secretly.
4th November 2004.
Yesterday I was Matthew, now I am reborn in the Church of Om as Harras-the-revisionist-with-youth-groups.
Last night I went to see Terry Pratchett at the Hutton theatre. He is damn funny, though I think I may have insulted him with one of the questions I asked while he was signing my book. Anyway, too lazy to finish this. Will write maybe tomorrow.
Today's Quote: Skunk Anansie's "Secretly".
Excuse me but can I be you for a while My DOG won't bite if you sit real still I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again Yeah I can hear that Been saved again by the garbage truck I got something to say you know but NOTHING comes Yes I know what you think of me you never shut up Yeah I can hear that But what if I'm a mermaid In these jeans of his with her name still on it Hey but I don't care Cause sometimes I said sometimes I hear my voice and it's been HERE silent all these years So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts What's so amazing about really deep thoughts Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon How's that thought for you My scream got lost in a paper cup You think there's a heaven where some screams have gone I got 25 bucks and a cracker do you think it's enough To get us there But what if I'm a mermaid In these jeans of his with her name still on it Hey but I don't care Cause sometimes I said sometimes I hear my voice and it's been HERE silent all these Years go by will I still be waiting For somebody else to understand Years go by if I'm stripped of my beauty And the orange clouds raining in my head Years go by will I choke on my tears Till finally there is nothing left One more casualty You know we're to EASY easy easy Well I love the way we communicate Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape Let's hear what you think of me now but baby don't look up The sky is falling Your MOTHER shows up in a nasty dress It's your turn now to stand where I stand Everybody lookin' at you here take hold of my hand Yeah I can hear them But what if I'm a mermaid In these jeans of his with her name still on it Hey but I don't care Cause sometimes I said sometimes I hear my voice I hear my voice I hear my voice And it's been HERE silent all these years I've been here silent all these years Silent all these Silent all these years
7th November 2004.
Friday morning I got a gift from my FormerBit (who I have now been authorised to call an ex - apparently my ex pool needs the prettying up that comes from this), a snow-globe of the Kremlin. Very tackily cool. On Friday night I did firework with Oliver and company. It made for a fun night of flames and partially controlled explosive prettiness.
Yesterday I stuffed around at home doing things like laundry and reading. In the evening I went to Dot's for dinner and so she could rant about her sordid sex life. I'm becoming much less tolerant of it in my old age - I suspect I ended up being more mean than supportive. I'm a bad friend. And it's not like I have any moral high ground on the talking at people about crap they don't want to hear front. I do it to Simon all the time. SO I really should be more willing to act like I'm listening. Ah, well, it's not like everyone doesn't already know I'm a suck human being.
Today, I clean my desk and watched some manga. Wanted to spent the day playing the Sims but my 'puter started doing the funny buzz noise it makes some days when I'm making it do graphics-ee stuff. Some little speaker inside doesn't like me - I think it's a heat thing, but I have no actual knowledge to back that opinion up with.
Anyway, I should go sleep. I should try and get some work done tomorrow.
Today's Quote: Tori Amos's "Silent all these years".
9th November 2004 - Theodore, Mart.
I am too stupid to live.
After yesterday of quiet reading and procrastinating by chatting to Scott, this morning I got to work on my conference proceeding paper. It's not going well. Turn's out I'm entirely retarded. Bugger it.
11th November 2004 - Martin, Bp, and Conf. Mem. of S, Menna, Mart.
Looks like I'm going to have to look for somewhere else to live next year. My flatmate/landlord is mostly okay to live with but has started to get a little too "it's my house"ish. I'd have no problem if he set limits on what sort of party I was allowed to have but he has absolutely forbade me to have any sort of birthday party at all. Combine this with the fact he has made it very clear that I'm not to have friends stay over in my room without his permission, even if it is on nights when he's not here.
While I understand it is his house, I am paying rent.
Maybe this is just me feeling I should be allowed things my own way, but I'm pretty sure he is taking things a little too far. I mean, my control freak mother gave more leeway.
The little part of me that is always looking for excuse for me to kill myself is screaming out that I should slice myself up and bleed all over the place just to spite him.
So, anyway. Looks like I may have to move. Which will mean more expensive rent and as much as that will suck, it may be necessary.
Arse.
Anyway, haven't been up to much. Just working on my conference paper - which is going very slowly and not very well - and generally stuffing around. Who would have thought turning my presentation for the conference I went to a couple of months ago into a written paper would actually be that hard? Stupid being too dumb.
I went and hung out with Alana for a while and grumbled at her. Much easier than pointing out to my flatmate unhappy I am. Well, still angry about it but not as angry as I was. At some point I will have to mention that I'm looking at my options as to living somewhere else - but I think that can wait until I have more idea where.
OKay, I'm ranting. But isn't that what the internet is for?
Anyway, I think I'm going to head off and get some sleep.
12th November 2004 - Sun in Sagittarius.
Well, turns out that late last night my flatmate read the entry above - which was somewhat unexpected. So all my trying to work out how to broach the subject that he was being a bit off turned out to be unnecessary. He sent me the following email (which clearly states that if I'm to be fair I should post it on here, so that's exactly what I'm going to do):
We need to clear the air, although I am not sure if doing so will be simply buying into your apparent ongoing perception as a victim, or resolve matters between us. When I had finished being indignant at your portrayal of me as the villainous landlord, I had to laugh, because I could immediately imagine wearing the stovepipe hat, cape and twirling a waxed moustache going *nyuck* *nyuck* *nyuck* That aside, your portrayal of me is not fair. But then I do not think now that this will be a consideration on your part - putting this letter up in it's entirety on your website would prove me wrong of course. This is not about you kowtowing to me for permission, or otherwise abasing yourself. As it happens, you do fairly much what you want, when you want here, with hardly any objection on my part. Your friends come and go as they please and the only time I can recall consciously grouching about that, was the few times Claire has been here, slightly tipsy, and ever so slightly loud and at a less than civil hour. You take no part in the majority of the domestic arrangements here, which is peculiar as most people would make a token effort to pick up the vacuum cleaner from time to time, or attack the toilet. However, I have simply come to accept that you will not do these things and I simply cannot be bothered expending the mental energy to convince you that you must provide 50% of the cleaning power in the house. As much as this arrangement of ours is about financial considerations, I have not increased your rent to market levels, or changed our arrangement that you pay no more than 40% of the bills we accrue here, out of respect for your financial circumstances, and what I thought was amity. There are no rules here, no chore rosters, and you have plenty of "leeway". I labour under the assumption that we are adults here. For the record, you have had two parties here, and I will not deny that you had to convince me they would be harmless affairs - I've been flatting before and seen some "quiet parties"! But you got your parties. However I got to clean up after them, and no matter how much you try to make it sound, there is no way that can be seen as a fair arrangement! I know that mess is a consequence of a good party, which is why I say to you to have them at a pub or some other place. Other people can worry about clearing up after them, you can worry about having a good time, and I don't have to worry at all! Yes, I have objected to your houseguest's assuming that they can crash here at any time they like. I object to ANYONE who makes assumptions of me, regardless of who they are. But I have also said to you, that this is simply about asking. It demonstrates a consideration for the fact that people other than yourself, live here too, and that a person when "asked" is more likely to say yes to an idea, then when he is "told". And yes, dammit, it is my house. It may not be the flashest place, and I'd be the first to admit that Martha Stewart did not give it a makeover, but it is my home that you are sharing. Perhaps this is entirely my fault - in that being too laid back about things here, in an attempt to make you feel like this is a home and not some cruddy student flat, I may have left you with the impression that anything could go here. I think that you have obviously made up your mind about where you want to go next in this, and it would be a preferable situation to TALK to you about this, rather than sending rants in the third person via the internet in order to sort out the details of how and when you want to end your stay here. We apparently are still able to converse civilly, so perhaps it's entirely possible this won't end up in some kind of festering sulk on either of our parts. Neither of us would be prepared to endure that situation for long, I'm sure. I'm afraid that I must ask you to consider acting sooner on this rather than later, as I will need the time to spruce up your room and the place in general, and whatever I decide to do with the place, I would like to have it settled well before Christmas. Vaughn.I'm not entirely sure as to which of us comes off as being at fault. I suspect it will turn out to be me. While I would contest some of his points - he makes a couple of fair ones. So I guess it is as it is.
In happier news my annoyingly temperamental bank card now seems to be declined by all eftpos machines, but still works fine in bank machines (thus making it harder to convince the bank that it is their fault). I may have to start being retro and carrying cash. I started to suspect this when I went to buy a book at Whitcholls this morning, a couple of stores later, I was convinced. Hopefully, I can convince the bank of this and get a new card.
I've talked to a few people, and opinions are somewhat split as to whether or not I was being an unreasonable and inconsiderate jerk or not.
Anyway, turns out my card still works at the supermarket, so I think eftpos machines just suck.
And Tina is in town. I spent a bit fo the afternoon helping her get job application forms sent out. I should have been flat hunting - I guess I have to get on to that over the weekend. I'm still not entirely certain that I want to move, but I have been here almost three years. Maybe I should be moving before my furniture sets roots anyway. Shaking up my life a little would probably also be good for me, get me out of my rut a little.
I've already had Alana ask if I'd like to look at moving in with her mother (to keep her company as Alana may or may not be leaving town) and Simon suggest I try for a place in his building complex. Some of the flats looking for postgrads also sound pretty nice - so I hope not to have too much trouble. When I get around to looking.
14th November 2004
- Trans of S. Erkenwald, Bp.
Yesterday I spent the day out on the peninsula with Tina, a German she has been showing around and the annoying 12yo brother of her bf. It wasn't too bad - even with Tina's car having some serious unhealthy-car-issues. In the evening I tidied up to escort Tina to some 21st she was going to, but when she hadn't turned up by 10:30, I guessed she had decided to go without me and I gate crashed Midget's muso party instead. I didn't last there that long, and soon buggered off to town and ended up at funq being dodgy with Claire from theatre studies. Didn't last too long there either as I was drunk and took to making loud comments along the lives of "no more gay people, ever" and "drag queens will be first against the wall when my revolution comes". Turns out I'm not gay-bar friendly. So I headed home not too late and slept.
This morning I went shopping with Tina before she skipped town, did some laundry and got sunburnt going to the supermarket for fruit juice and toilet paper (and forgetting the toilet paper yet again - we still have enough for the better part of a week so I should hopefully remember in time). It's too darn warn for me today - I think I've became much less tolerant of warm (and possibly also of cold) recently. Probably doesn't bode that well.
I've also done a bit of thinking about the prospect of living in Simon's complex - while the flats there are quite nice, I would be alone in the flat. Not sure how crazy being completely alone would make me. Also, when I feel the need to talk to someone, the only person I know in that bit of town would be Simon - and I'm pretty sure he'd get very grumpy about semi-daily visits quite quickly. Basically, it comes down to the fact it probably isn't worth risking the friendship (by eroding all of Simon's matthew-tolerance) just for a flat. Will still think about it some more. I hate thinking so much. Stupid thinking of doom.
15th November 2004 - Machutus, Bp. and Conf. Middle lessons of S. Martin.
I am such an idiot. I've gone and broke my modem entirely by trying to fix the windows induced software issues. I should not be allowed near computers. I am such a fucking retard. I really hope Simon is feeling in an overly generous mood, otherwise I'm screwed, as I can't really connect through Vaughn's computer all of the time.
Arse, this is damn annoying.
Okay, I spent the day at varsity doing work. And this evening I've been netting through Vaughn's puter. My modem still appears to be shagged beyond my abilities and Si seems to be busy tonight, as I haven't heard a peep out of him all night.
I realised that I've been a bit depressed for at least the last week, which explains my sudden desire to clean and complete inability to focus on my study at all. Someday I will have to cave on my refusal to medicalise my unhappiness by taking anti-depressants. It's just annoying that even thought I know it's just chemicals in my brain I still let it get to me.
My brain is almost as annoying as computers.
17th November 2004
- Hugh, Bp. and Conf. Middle lessons of S. Anianus.
Still only able to internet through my flatmates computer, fortunately he is being very understanding about it.
I went to HNZ to see about getting the apartment that is opening up in Si's building and found out that I'm not "high need" enough to get anywhere with them any time in the near future (and by near future I mean before sometime well in to next year). In fact, as a student I don't even count as high need enough to get an actual needs assessment done at this time. So it turns out that even Housing New Zealand likes to discriminate against students. Well, everyone else does, so I guess it makes sense.
Over the last few weeks I've picked up a bit of a tan. This is a bad thing as I can now see my weird pigment thing has got much worse - I look like I'm turning albino. I may have to whine at my doctor a bunch more - as he keeps writing it off as not worth worrying about. I'm homely enough as it is, I don't need to be getting uglier.
I've decided I want to read up on the Arian Heresy, see if I can work out why Arianism offended the church so much. I'm also thinking I should read the gospels that were removed from the new testament. I'm not sure why, it just strikes me that they must be at least kind of interesting for the catholic church to have removed them - especially as they weren't removed until the third or fourth century (I should go check when, I want to say AD 313 but I am pretty sure I'm making that up because I like 13 and because it is nice and symmetrical.
I may be getting nuttier in my old age.
I'm heading toward being a nutty old albino what lives under a bridge and is without a friend in the world. Now there is a life plan....
20th November 2004 - Edmund, K. and Mart.
I'm depressed. Not for any sensible reason, though my head is full of not sensible ones. I'm pretty sure it was trigger by my brain chemistry being fucked and is not feeding off the paranoia it is inducing.
I've spent the day sulking about the fact none of my friends like me. Which is at least partially not true. I'm reasonably confident a couple of them, such as Alana and Dot, do. But I'd almost put money on the fact Midget would prefer a world that didn't have me in it. And on the Simon front... well. I've spent years just assuming I was one of his close friends after he said it once but he doesn't really talk to me much anymore and he has never really talked to me about anything himself related. So, basically, I have no idea. In the last couple of days he has been talking to me a bit more than recently and it made me realise how much I miss that way we used to chat for hours about crap. I don't know. And I should stop thinking about it. Thinking is never helpful.
I was just distracted for a while talking to Reece. It's left me in a much, much better mood. Yay for people.
Anyway, think I might go play some 'puter game-age. Coz me being me, I'm staying in on a Saturday night.
Who'll save the poor little girl? Henry Darger, Henry Darger Who'll save the poor little girl? Henry, Henry Oh Henry Oh Henry, Henry Who'll tell the story of her? Henry Darger, Henry Darger Who'll tell it to all the world? Henry, Henry Oh Henry Oh Henry, Henry Who'll buy the carbon paper now? Henry Darger, Henry Darger Who'll trace the lines of her mouth? Henry, Henry Oh Henry Oh Henry, Henry Who will conquer foreign worlds searching for the stolen girls? Princesses you'll never fear the patron saint of girls is here! Who will draw the cavalry in and risk his very own precious skin To make our Angelinia a free and beautiful land again? Henry Who'll love a poor orphan child Henry Darger, Henry Darger Lost, growing savage and wild? Henry, Henry Oh Henry Oh Henry, Henry..
23rd November 2004 - Clement, Pope and Mart. Mem. of S. Felicitas, V.
After a nagging head ache since Wednesday last week, yesterday it finally matured into the migraine that I'd been expecting any moment the whole time. So I ended up spending the afternoon asleep in bed.
I woke up this morning feeling an entirely different kind of gross. I'd had a freaky dream of the completely fucked up kind. It's not unusual for my to die in my dreams - possibly says something about me - but not that unusual. What made last nights dream freaky is that is kept going after I died and in my dream I could feel the warmth slowly fade out of me and then a weird tingly sensation as my nerves stopped. It was even kind of painful. Needless to say, I didn't awake in the happiest head space. My subconscious clearly hates me if it is giving me dreams that unpleasant and which involve dreamed physical pain. Not a good sign. I've since spent the morning watching Troll, to cheer myself up. Turns out that it is a crap movie, but worth watching as it's an 80's movie with a trainee wizard called Harry Potter in it.
I have also been thinking too much of late and realised I do depend on Si as a friend far more than I probably should. And it is weird, but I have a whole set of things he is the only person I feel comfortable talking about with, while at the same time there are things I'd never talk to him about that I talk to people like Alana about all the time. I suspect I have issues.
The weird dream left me in a weird mood all day. And something Tina said came back and preyed on my weird mental condition. It occurred to me that I might have actually died and that I just don't know that I'm dead and am writing it off as a dream. I mean, how would I know? And I think this is Tina's fault for having brought up the how would you know question once. Basically, I've spent the day being more insane than usual.
All up, the day was quite unproductive. I only got a few hours of work done. Especially once my lunch break somehow stretched to over three hours.
All up, not a great day but it could have been a lot worse.
Today's Quote: Natalie Merchant's "The Ballad of Henry Darger".
I hope you're feeling happy now I see you feel no pain at all it seems I wonder what you're doin' now I wonder if you think of me at all Do you still play the same moves now Or are those special moods For someone else I hope you're feeling happy now Just because you feel good Doesn't make you right, oh no Just because you feel good Still want you here tonight Does laughter still discover you I see through all the smiles That look so right Do you still have the same friends now To smoke away your problems and your life Oh how do you remeber Me the one that made you laugh until you cried I hope yo're feeling happy now Just because you feel good Doesn't make you right, oh no Just because you feel good Still want you here tonight I wonder what you're donig now I hope you're feeling happy now I hope you're feeling happy now
25th November 2004
- Katherine, V. and Mart.
Today I was not in a happy mood. My constant headache hit the eight day mark. Doesn't make for bubbly, happy Matthewage. Over the last two days pretty much all I have done is feel gross and work on getting my paper ready for publishing.
Last night I did get muffins from Alana though, she had baked to cheer me up. Yay for Alana-ee goodness.
Anyway, I should go sleep. Headache has become the least bad it has been in a week in the last hour or so, I should sleep and encourage it to keep going away.
Today's Quote: Skunk Anansie's "Hedonism".
China all the way to New York I can feel the distance getting close You're right next to me But I need an airplane I can feel the DISTANCE as you breathe Sometimes I think you want me to touch you How can I when you build a great WALL around you In your eyes I saw a future together You just look away in the distance China decorates our table Funny how the CRACKS don't seem to show Pour the wine dear You say we'll take a holiday But we never can agree on where to go Sometimes I think you want me to touch you How can I when you build a great WALL around you In your eyes I saw a future together You just look away in the distance China all the way to New York Maybe you got lost in MEXICO You're right next to me I think that you can hear me Funny how the distance learns to grow Sometimes I think you want me to touch you How can I when you build a great WALL around you I can feel the distance I can feel the distance I can feel the distance getting close
30th November 2004 - Andrew, Ap.
Ihug has been playing up the last couple of weeks. This is very annoying.
Ergh, I was going to write proper, but I'm too tired. Will try to remember to write tomorrow, am getting behind.
Today's Quote: Tori Amos's "China".
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So far as I can tell, embedded neopets images were the only possible culprits. Are neopets villains now? Maybe they were always villains. But they were just externally hosted images with links, which does not seem remotely "malware and viruses".
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