Softness and cake

The loan mattress is very soft.
Sleeping on it is weird as it kind of feels like it is trying to eat me.  Or at least smother me.

And I woke in the small hours crying (at least it was hours past being my birthday by that point) over how much my brain had decided I miss Shitlord.  Being still kind of in love with him is very very irksome.  The combination of having a creep try to guilt me into being friendlier to Shitlord and then seeing him....  it was all just a bit much for me as it turns out.

Stupid brain chemistry.

So unhelpful.

And I did such a good job of utterly ignoring the little voice telling me to hug him as I walked past, so instead it breaks my mind open in the middle of the night.

Then I had a day of listening to an audio book and playing a little Pokemon until it was time to shower and dress and go to the party that was thrown for me.

I have much better friends than I deserve.

The party was nice.   One of my Claires made me a fantastic raspberry and rhubarb cake.  My trans-sister made a rainbow coconut cake that had some issues with running colours and ended up mostly just red and green.  Very December.
I had failed to invite many people and it was all pretty last minute at the busiest time of year but was still a nice turn out.  Not a lot of people, but good people.

I ate too much, even after carefully only having a little slice of the good cake (though did eat the leftovers (slightly over a quarter of the cake) for breakfast today - like a fatty).

Grreg and Oli dropped me home, in the scheme of things pretty early.

My friends were great and left me feeling the most liked and valued that I have felt in a long time.

And I only ranted about Shitlord for like 10% of the night.



Today I have caught up on some TV, and mid afternoon i put a bit over an hour into starting the LEGO treehouse that I bought myself for my birthday.  But after back spasms kicked in I need to give up rather quick.
I hate how sickly I am.
And how much my brain still misses people it should not.