Spring is here - the season of lust.
And you really don't remember, was it something that he said? Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria? Gloria, don't you think you're fallin'? If everybody wants you, why isn't anybody callin'? You don't have to answer Leave them hangin' on the line, oh-oh-oh, calling Gloria Gloria (Gloria), I think they got your number (Gloria) I think they got the alias (Gloria) that you've been living under (Gloria) But you really don't remember, was it something that they said? Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria?
1st September 2000
[Enter, stage left, one very happy Matthew]
Yesterday I stuffed around all morning watching Pokemon 2000: the Power Of One on video CD. It's pretty crap. Better than the first one, though that isn't hard.
Then I was off to my lunch date - which went really well, we chatted and planned for a proper dinner date the next day (today).
Then on thursday night I found out one of my friends is quite sick and in hospital :o(, whichbput on downer on what had been a great - if very wet - day.
Today, once again started slowly. I stayed in my nice warm bed reading and listening to LPs for a while, then got up and prepared to go and help my Becky with a forum thingee she and my wicked step mother were running. Then it was off to the gyno ward at the Dunedin Hospital to do some nervous waiting. Followed by some mad rush father's day shopping, a quick spat of baby sitting and then heading in for the dinner date.
We met at tech (and yes, I'm almost over my irrational bigotry about the place - as scary as that is) and headed into town to decide where to go. Jizo - yummy Japanese food. We sat there for ages talking, annd eating, and drinking rice tea. It was really nice. And then we went to The Patriot, which was long and not overly good. But the company was great, so I still had a damn good time. And then the night wound down, a good night kiss on the cheek, me standing like a fool watching the Sheil Hill bus pull away, and then a quite walk home. And that was my night - and I'm way up on cloud nine, and shan't be down again for a while.
Today's song quote courtesy of
It feels like It feels like I'm in love
2nd September 2000
Last night when I was writing this I was really tired, so I apologise if it's grammatically insane. But that happens with me at the best of times anyway.
Today I've done very little. Had an extremely pleasant, if mildly full of extended pauses, phone conversation. I'm really holding out for this to all work. And I kind of think it might. Even if we are all cute and awkward-like around each other.
Anyway, now I really must go do the whole homework thing.
I got a phone call a couple of hours ago. Wahoo. two phone calls inthe same day, I really am in with a chance. We chatted a bit about nothing in particular and then Matthew is shot down in flames. I should have known as soon as things started seeming good that the words "I really like you and I think we should be friends" were just around the corner. And then to listen as they were followed up by "I really don't want anyone to get hurt". Why don't I get a say in this. I'd rather risk getting hurt, than never chance it at all. But no, it's not my decision so I just say that it's okay and that I understand. Yet somehow me the high lord of unconvincing liers found someone who'd believe one so obvious.
I knew it as soon as I started feeling good about it, I was setting myself up at the top of a pretty big downer. And down I go.
Okay - I could draw hope from the fact it was "friends, and see where it goes from there". But that's just what one says when giving the friends speech.
So then I went and watched a random videoed off sky movie that was sitting on the pile in Mother's room. Nervous Energy, which turned out to be one of those sappy crap arse HIV movies that always piss me off. So I spent the duration of it venting anger at the BBC for making such crap movies. And then when it finished I had to go back to being angry at myself for having let myself build it up so much.
That's the last time I'm ever being attracted to anyone. Let alone getting along with anyone or considering the possibility of a relationship. I'm going to be a lonely old bachelor who walks his stuffed cat on a leash - and I probably shan't even be sane enough to put rollerskates on it first. I'll be mostly bald, with a few stays poking out on humorous angles and children will mock me openly in the streets. That's the life I have before me. Though who knows, with the marks I'm gettng in chem - I could still be there repeating the papers I'm doing now for the eightieth time - the looney smelly old fart in the back row.
Though with any luck i'll eat myself into oblivion, dying of a heart attack before I'm thirty.
Actually, this grumpy boy should stop writing, before I say something I might regret, and I try not to edit entries after I write them and all. So I think it's better that I just don't write some things.
Only the lonely Know how I cry
5th September 2000
On sunday i spent the day split between assignmenting and going to my grandmothers for tea, and then being forced to visit various friends of mother's on the way home - when i was trying to get back to my homework. Especially as I was extra behind after an hour long phone conversation about nothing in particular with Codename:Bob, that only ended when my mother started yelling about how I was wasting time.
Yesterday (Monday), I spent most of in the chem building and science library trying to make sense of my Chem343 assignment. Which eventually happened. On the way home I had a nice long visit with Nina, who I hadn't seen in over a week as she'd gone home to Wellington for the holidays. So that was great. I love my Nina to pieces. And I had a fair bit of grumbling to do, and she is always willing to listen and shamelessly take my side on everything.
Last night my computer was away getting a new hard drive. So now instead of a very full 6.4 GB, we have a mostly empty 20 GB. Yay for bigger hard drives. The downside was I had to entertain myself for an evening without the net, or homework - as all my assignments are on this thing. So I finished off a novel I've been reading. Darwinia by Robert Charles Wilson. As much as it has a dumb arse title, it is a damn good book. There are a couple of places where you can tell the editor was asleep, but otherwise it is very good and I'd heartily recommend it to anyone who likes scifi or fantasy type books.
Now it is morning, and rainy, so I'm fixing all the short cuts for my lil brother and stuffing around before I go to my CHEM304 lecture - though I am yet to finish my CHEM304 assignments, and I have a play to write this week. Dash it all.
I am SO considering the jumping under a bus for the extentions it'd get me.
Anyway, must go.That's it. I give up. I have no idea what is happening around me.
During my lectures this morning, one of my friends was acting exceptionally out of character and it had me really worried. I found out in the afternoon that it was because some people had done some truely horrid to her over the holidays and she wasn't handling it perfectly. I'm so glad the people I know all seem to be nicer than that. Well, atleast, as far as I know.
I spent my afternoon lab planning a lab with Rachael and John, next week in CHEM304 we shall be experimenting on the effect of pH on the colour of red wine, and extablishing its effectiveness as an indicator. Which is looking to be a lot of fun.
After the lab I went to Wormgirl's, kidnapped her, took her to the bank and paid her the money I owed her. Far too much effort just to pay someone back, but I walked around and chatted with her for quite a while which was fun. (damn I just finished two paragraphs in a row with the word 'fun' but my brain is all frozen up and I can't think of another adjective thingee)
The this evening I made a phone call I shouldn't have. Having been given the "friends" speech on Saturday, I really shouldn't have been ringing, but I did. And it's all like nothing happened. Maybe I happened to have been given the "friends" speech from the one person on the planet that doesn't know it's a nice-ish (for the person giving it) way to dump someone.
Though that seems a tad too optimistic on my part.
Anyway, I'm just not gonna think about it anymore. I'm going to go and sleep, so tomorrow I can start the ridiculous amount of assignments I have due this week. I have 20% (in the form of three lab reports) due for CHEM304 and 30% (in the form of a half hour play) due for THEA203. And I have done practically nothing on any of it. And, dash it all, I can't warp the space time continuim.
The evening breeze Shall start the trees to sighing And the moon will hide its light When you get the Blues in the night
9th September 2000
Wednesday, I did a far swag of my CHEM304 assignments, working right up to Buffy time, and even during her ad breaks. Thursday ran much the same, until 6:30ish that evening I was either in class or working on my CHEM304 work.
On Thursday evening Stew (who was once my net-stalker) came to visit, and after only a brief contact with my mother, he declared she was the reason behind all my depressive/grumpy spells. It was pretty cool catching up with him, as a hardly ever talk to him nowdays - considering before we met we'd been exchanging emails every other day for about 18 months. I even received a phone call from Codename: Bob, and felt SO guilty for ignoring Stew while he was visiting. Then I started into my play.
Friday, a class at 8am, then working on my play till my 11am lecture, then going to the lunchtime theatre with Bob. It wasn't too shabby as they go. Then I rushed home and madly finished my play, which I handed in a whole 15 minutes before it was due.
Last night was spent stuffing around in town with Karen and Tashanaaron. Which was fun, though I spent too much.
Today is where the real spending too much came in. I went to by Bob a birthday present, and thought I should get myself some pants at the same time. So I go into Hallensteins, and the woman eventually talks me into buying three pairs, spending $130 I can't really affort to spend, and it's likely the $19 pair are the only ones that'll get much wear, as I rather like them. It's just the two full price ones which are a tad too Hallensteins-y.
And the present I got in the end were kinda crappier than what I'd planned, but my mind just could not come up with anything better. Actually, I should really go get ready for this party. Oh, and if you are bored enough to be reading this, you should read my play, it's on my writing page. Tell me what you think. Byes.
When's your birthday? Whats your middle name? Who's your hero? What's your favorite flavor ice cream can you tell me tell me this? Are you Aries, are you on the cusp of cancer? Gonna get to know you better-- What? No it's not a quiz! Well you can trust me now we'll dig a little deeper Let's trade numbers, Let's trade beepers I can find you anyplace Hey why you lookin at your watch? We haven't had desert- it's still early just 8:30 only our first date. I wanna know do you love me yet? Do you feel the same, am I your everything? I wanna know, isn't true love great? C'mon and tell me, when's your birthday?
10th September 2000
I was all ready all dolled up to head to Bob's birthday dinner at Bennu. I grabbed the present and didn't even make it over my lawn before I was lying on my back in inch deep thick mud. My brand new microfibre cargos coated and my jacket a mess. So I had to change, into second tier clothing and my DAMN ugly jacket. Typical Matthew's life. And then I was half an hour late by the time I cleaned up. Though there were other's who were later, which mildly redeems things.
I had convinced Bob the present from me was going to be a chocolate phallus. So I carefully wrapped the candle and soft toy frog into a tapered cylinder. The look of absolute "no - please don't have done it" terror made it ALL worth while. I am such a meany.
The pizzas we got at Bennu were SO yummy. A tad on the expensive side, but you expect that. After eats we headed to Feul to do some cake eating and some dancing.
And through clubbing I realise what a screwy pseudo-relationship I am in. I have no idea where it's going, every time I try to move it forward I hit a wall and every time I give up on it, it suddenly heats up. Though I'm pretty sure it'll never actually happen. It'll just taunt me with it's own possibilty, but I shall be left alone. Though it's what I get for falling for someone so much better looking than I.
Today's song quote courtesy of
Am I dreamin' or stupid? I think I've been hit by Cupid But no one needs to know right now I met a tall, dark and handsome man And I've been busy makin' big plans But no one needs to know right now I got my heart set, my feet wet And he don't even know it yet But no one needs to know right now I'll tell him someday some way somehow But I'm gonna keep it a secret for now I want bells to ring, a choir to sing The white dress the guests the cake the car the whole darn thing But no one needs to know right now I'll tell him someday some way somehow But I'm gonna keep it a secret for now We'll have a little girl a little boy A little Benji we call Leroy But no one needs to know right now And I'm not lonely anymore at night And he don't know only only he can make it right And I'm not lonely anymore at night And he don't know only only he can make it right I'm not dreamin' or stupid But boy have I been hit by Cupid But no one needs to know right now No one needs to know right now...
12th September 2000
Yesterday I did crap all. I went to my eight am lecture, met up with Codename:Bob and Tina in passing and walked them to their respective classes, then headed home to do my CHEM343 poster. And ended up playing Theme Hospital till it was time to run in for my 11am lecture. I am such a slacker.
Then my afternoon lab was kinda fun. I was teamed up with a couple of complete flakes, I mean, they were almost as flakey as me. And one was quite shaggable. Not that I should be thinking those sort of thoughts in a Chem lab.
I visited Nina on my way home, and spent some time dumping the screwy little problems of my screwy little life on her. Then last night I made a super human effort at not doing my lab assignment, which by then was already quite late.
Today I spent in bed till about 9:30. Wrapped up warm and listening to Natalie Merchant, Tracy Chapman and Cass Elliot. The perfect was to start a day.
Then between my one lecture and my lab class I went shopping with the Midget. Getting a birthday present for someone. That was followed by a lab playing with the UV-Vis spectra of wine at extremes of pH with Rachael and Jon. And then heading home and actually starting into my CHEM343 thing, which is only a day and a half late. Though it'll be about four days late by the time I get it done.
And thats about all I have to say right now.
Today's song quote courtesy of, and dedicated to Wormgirl.
I know I'm not the only flower you see But what could I expect You are a good looking bee
14th September 2000
Yesterday was my beastly lil brother's birthday. Which meant we did the whole present opening ritual in the morning. Whoop, whoop - getting got out of bed in the morning so I could give a present to my brother, oh, so many flavours of fun. Then I lazed about for a while playing Theme Hospital before heading off to my last CHEM304 lecture - which was SO cool. I feel quite ripped off about how few lectures it has as the stuff is all SO cool.
Then I visited the Wormgirl, who'd already read my diary entry from the day before - how tragic is that. And stuff around for a few hours with her, even thouh the plan had just been to drop off her decidedly late 21st present and come home to do my CHEM343 poster (which still hasn't happened).
Last night I had the Chemistry Department Third Year Dinner to attend. It was great. Lots of yummy lebanese food mostly paid for by the department. And yummy cake afterward. MMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. The company could have been improved on though - too many people talking chem *shudders*.
Today I had an 8am lecture. Have pity for me. And it was nasty CHEM343, which has too much math and which I am too thick to understand. Then I came home and watched Dharma and Greg and Ally McBeal which I videoed since I wasn't home last night. Then it was back to uni to lunch with my Becky. Yay for my Becky - future mother of my children. I love her to pieces.
This afternoon was filled with four hours of Organic lab - in which I found I had made the wrong product - again. I am yet to actually get the correct product for anything in the CHEM302 labs. Somehow fits in my life. Nothing ever quite working out quite how I plan, even though I seem to be doing everyting right.
Anyway, I really must do my CHEM343 poster tonight.
If at first you don't succeed
17th September 2000
Friday I was feeling kinda crappy, so other than classes I spent the day at home stuffing around and generally doing nothing. (okay, my brain isn't working and I can't think how to spell anything so i'll be keeping to little baby monosyllabic words wherever possible). Though I spent a big chunk of the evening trying my hand at Final Fantasy VIII, which is okayish I guess. I also had a serious crampy thing going on in my foot.
Yesterday I stuffed around some more. I was feeling even crapper - and my foot was so sore if I put weight on it I saw spots. Not exactly pleasant. Then it was my brother's birthday party in the afternoon, so I hid in my room with The Sims: Livin' Large extension pack. It is SO cool. Then that evening, my foot totally numb and just feeling vaguely warm, I went to the movies with Marie (a friend what I done have). Scary Movie is funny, in the cringe sort of way. Quite worth seeing - though not even a remotely good flick.
Today has been playing The Sims, feeling sick and sore and trying to get my head around a whole pile of homework thats already late and which I don't get. With any luck it'll turn out that what I have is terminal - and i'll be too dead to need to worry about stupid chemistry.
How many tears do you cry If love should break your heart in two? How many tears will I cry Now that I know I'm losing you? I can't stop wanting you And no matter what you do You're still a part of me Even though I'm losing you, oh
20th September 2000
I've been sick all week so far. And it sucks big monkeys through a small straw.
On Monday, I was completely zoning out in my lecture, and then realised I had done half my poster on one lab and half of it on another. Not a great sign. And when I got back to uni after going home to fix it, I was feeling like death warmed up. And I realised my balance was gone and I couldn't stand all that well, i could walk okayish, just not stand in one place. SO I went and asked nicely and was excused from my lab, so I could come home and sleep. After about 20 minutes nap I suddenly woke up and felt all energetic. It was SO screwy. SO then I played some Sims before having a early night.
Tuesday, I was feeling okayish, just a bit vague. I went to all my classes and then got dragged out to the movies in the evening. Hollow Man is a REALLY CRAP movie. Okay, there is a slight chance I only think that because I was sick when I saw it. But it did seem just plain CRAP.
Today I only had one class, and don't remember any of it. The rest of the day I've just been lying around zoned out. Pretty productive. I did spend three hours being completely unable to do a simple titration equation. So my homework is REALLY behind. But with any luck whatever I have will be fatal.
Now I'm just enjoying intense migraines and random stabbing pains throughout my body. Fun for me.
Today's song quote courtesy of.
I've been having dreams and visions In them you are always standing Right beside me I reach out for your hand To see your arms extending outstretched towards me
24th September 2000
Okies, Thursday I was beginning to feel vaguely alive again. At lunch I was making a bit of a PDA display with my pseudo-partner, and then getting seriously mocked about it. And in the arvo I had my last organic lab for the year (and hopefully ever). Then Thursday night I curled up at home and played Sims, and got feeling properly well.
Friday morning I went to my chem lecture, walked Tina to english, then went to met Rachael so we could do the lab that didn't quite happen on Tuesday arvo, but it didn't happen then either, and we just stuffed around until it was time for me to head off to my theatre class. Which was pretty fun. And then I headed home and destressed before my date.
A nice quiet dinner date. All nice. Then some shopping - getting Kane something cheap and tacky for his birthday. And eventually drinks at Marie's place, and hitting the clubs. All lots of fun.
Saturday I slept, did a little (and I emphasise the word little) work, went to my father's for lunch and generally acheived not much from the day.
In the evening I dolled up, as another night with my pseudo-partner was on the way. And it was the six week aniversary of us getting drunk and all over each other. So we met up and talk for a while in my room, and it finally looks like I'm not going to being getting the friends speech too often anymore - even if my pseudo-partner is very dismissive toward the possibilty of us being a couple.
Kane's party was kinda fun for the time we stayed. The music was a tad dodgy, but for a 21st it was very well catered. And the company wasn't TOO bad, even if everyone i've ever gone out with was there, even the one I was allergic to.
I could tell you what I got up to after Kane's party, but I shan't.
Today I slept lots. As I didn't get to bed till really late for the second day in a row. And then I watched a couple of movies Pat and Margaret which was actually very good, for a drama. And Still Breathing which was a kinda miscellaneous romantic comedy starring Brendon Frasier. And thats my day.
Today's song quote courtesy of.
(sound of silence)
26th September 2000
Too much homework for me :o(
Yesterday I realised just how much I am behind on the homework. So thats about all my life has featured. I had classes pretty much all day yesterday. And today I was at uni at 9 to meet up with my lab partner, and then was hard out at uni almost all day, until about 5pm. I loathe chemistry.
Then I got home and was dragged out for tea (at the Woolshed) by my mother and then to one of her miscellaneous friends houses. So my evening was totally consumed by crap. And by the time I got home it was too late to ring my pseudopartner. So I'm all sulking and exceptionally grumpy like, which is why I'm not writing much tonight.
When I said I needed you You said you would always stay It wasn't me who changed but you And now you've gone away Don't you see That now you've gone And I'm left here on my own That I have to follow you And beg you to come home? You don't have to say you love me Just be close at hand You don't have to stay forever I will understand Believe me, believe me I can't help but love you But believe me I'll never tie you down
27th September 2000
Today I'm in much less of a bad mood. Even though I spent all morning working on my presentation just to blow it. And I blew it amazingly well. I got tongue tied, forgot my speech, confused my overheads, misplaced one of them and generally shone through with an incompetent light.
Then I was to met Rachael and do some homework, but she wasn't at her room when she said she would be, so I watched some Olympics in Ali's room, and then came home (via Nina's were I stopped for a quick chin wag).
Oh, my meeting with my THEA203 lecturer went quite well, considering what a lazy non-work-doing boy I am. He really liked my play, though thinks I need to give it more weight.
Actually, I'm mainly in a good mood because I'm all stuffed full of chocolate junk food, and because my relationshippy thing is looking pretty good all up. So I'm a something of a buzz.
Today's song quote courtesy of.
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